


California Waiting

by ballsdeepinwinchesters



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Humor, Best Friends, Brief Dean/Lisa - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Panic, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, the Cas/Meg isn't obtrusive do not be discouraged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-04-22 11:29:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 172,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4833686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballsdeepinwinchesters/pseuds/ballsdeepinwinchesters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[<b>Update: 1 Mar 2016:</b> Rewritten/Remastered! Please reread if you've already read it because this is the final version I've been dying to turn this into. <i>This</i> is how I wanted this story to be, and how I imagined it, and I changed enough for it to be a new experience. Thanks!]</p><p>Dean and Castiel's relationship has evolved over time- from strangers to roommates, roommates to friends, friends to best friends. The most troublesome evolution came to pass when they went from being best friends to "We're just friends."</p><p>Previously "It Happened One Night (And A Few Times After That)"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. August 19, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for some brief Cas/Meg at the end (outside POV)

Dean and Cas are friends. It didn't start off that way, of course.

When they met as freshmen at UCLA, Dean Winchester played football for the school and liked his music and his cars loud. With classic all-American good looks and enough charm in his smile alone to make anyone swoon, it was easy to see why people saw him as the typical “ladies’ man.” Castiel Novak, however, was quiet and reserved, content with being alone with nothing but a good book to keep him occupied. His features were sharp, and the contrast of his dark hair to his light eyes paired with the usual look of intensity on his face often to mark him as the “dark and mysterious” archetype. Though, as everyone knows, there is always more to someone than meets the eye.

The first time Dean saw Castiel was during the mandatory freshman function. Dean was surrounded by a boisterous group of talkers doing what they do best, going on about nothing in particular. Finding himself unattached to the conversation, Dean let his eyes wander over the crowd of students before landing on a boy with glasses and dark hair, sitting at a table by himself. As if he could sense a stranger’s gaze, Castiel peeled his eyes from the pages of _Anna Karenina_ and looked up to see Dean watching him. Dean caught his eye with a small smile and an acknowledging nod, to which Castiel simply furrowed his brow before returning his attention to his book. They both immediately disregarded the other nameless boy and carried on with their lives.

Castiel did exceedingly well in all of his classes, and being the responsible student he was, never missed a lesson. He did all of his work as he was expected and still had time to work at the café/bookstore, For Whom the Coffee Brews. The two friends he made rather easily shared most of his classes and coincidentally worked with him at ‘Brews, but otherwise Castiel kept to himself.

Dean, on the other hand, spent most of his days skipping class and hanging out with his friends in the pool hall, or sleeping through a majority of the classes he actually did attend. In his spare him, he worked as a mechanic at a family friend’s auto shop. On the weekends (and admittedly, some weeknights), Dean could be found wherever there was booze flowing and music blasting. Dean and Castiel were practically on different hemispheres.

That was, until, Dean’s initial roommate filed for a room switch because of Dean’s constant misbehavior. At the time, Castiel had been situated in a room by himself- his first roommate having dropped out relatively early on in the year, and the school hadn’t assigned him a new one. After essentially being kicked out of his room, Dean was reassigned to live with Castiel, and as to be expected given their obvious differences, the first few months were awkward.

Over time, they gradually became fonder of each other. Dean exposed Cas to the world of leisurely activities (for which he happily made room in his life) and college sports (not a fan, turns out), and Cas got Dean to limit his partying to twice a week (to which he reluctantly agreed) and attend most of his morning classes (definitely not a fan). The fondness developed into a friendship, which in turn led to best friendship. When the boys returned for their sophomore year, they requested to be roommates again. They expected nothing out of the ordinary, but the tangles of destiny had other plans.

**& &**

Cas was droning on about something related to reference angles, or referee dangles, or _what the fuck ever_ Dean wasn't paying attention to, and he couldn't take another second. " _Cas_ ," Dean groaned, trying to accurately portray his  _agony_.

Castiel gave him an exasperated look. The men were sitting at the study table in their common room, and Cas was trying to help Dean with his lessons. They'd barely been studying for an hour, not even long enough for Dean to begin to grasp the concept of the lesson. It wasn't Dean's fault math was boring and should be used for torturing war criminals. Cas was a good tutor, but not _that_ good of a tutor. "You're never going to get this if you don't pay attention," Cas warned with a stern look from over the top of his glasses.

"Can't we just take a break or something? We've been at this for _six hours,_ " Dean griped as he stretched with closed eyes.  _Alright, maybe that’s an  exaggeration, but it feels like six hours._

"Dean, it's only been an hour; you're just whining." Dean knew Cas didn't want to take a break, but he put down his pencil and sat back in his chair anyways.

Dean tried his best to give him his little brother's signature puppy eyes. " _Please_ , Cassie, can we take a break?" He pouted his bottom lip out and batted his eyelashes animatedly.

Cas rolled his eyes and shook his head with a smile. He put up his hands in mock-defeat. "Whatever." He slotted his eyes and pointed a warning finger at Dean. "Just don't ever call me Cassie again."

Dean grinned. "Deal."

"This is just a break, so don't throw a fit when we come back to this in fifteen minutes," Cas mentioned to Dean as Dean stood up from the table.

Dean let out a laugh as he headed to the refrigerator, ignoring Cas's warning. "You want a soda?" He called over his shoulder. Cas accepted the offer and followed him, leaning against the kitchen island. Dean tossed him a can and opened his own, sitting on top of the counter across from his friend. "So, you going to Jo's party tonight?"

Cas scoffed inwardly into the can. “Oh yes, as per my long-standing 'party boy' reputation, _I’m_ going to a party,” he said sarcastically. “That's a terrific idea."

Dean ignored his friend's sarcasm. "There's nothing wrong with taking a night off once in a while, man. You work way too hard." Dean wasn't lying. Cas was the hardest-working guy he knew- aside from Sam- and he _never_ took a break. Always had to keep pushing, keep studying, keep working, keep reading. Seriously, Dean was convinced Cas would snap from over-exertion one of these days.

"I know, but parties aren't my thing," Cas replied with an excuse that Dean expected.

"What is there not to enjoy?" Cas was about to respond to the rhetoric question, but Dean continued his argument. "Come on, dude. Music, games, loose women... Granted, the beer is pretty shitty, but it gets the job done."

Cas stared into his can and hesitated. "I wasn't invited." Dean groaned and rolled his eyes.

Getting off the counter, he walked over and placed a hand on Cas's shoulder. "Nobody's invited, Cas. It's college. You just… _go_." When Cas opened his mouth to reply, Dean cut him off. "Please come. I promise you'll have fun. Besides, there are a ton of chicks that I _know_ will want a piece of that. And what kinda guy would I be to deny them of that privilege?" Dean winked at him. "Trust me."

Cas sighed with the last of his resolve giving in. "Fine. I'll go." Dean smiled victoriously. He could always wear Cas down from his infinite supply of excuses. He had maybe two seconds to imagine what their night would be like before Cas was changing the subject. "But since I'm going, you have to get back to studying." Dean scoffed incredulously. _Bastard._

**& &**

"Triple grande skinny caramel latte for Jenny?" Charlie called out from behind the counter. A cute girl with short blonde hair claimed the cup and smiled at Charlie. Charlie pretended to blush and looked down shyly, a move Castiel was more than familiar with by now. As the girl walked away, Charlie looked back up and shamelessly checked out the her butt.

Chuck snorted and shook his head. "Damn, Charlie, how long has it been?" Charlie sighed wistfully in lieu of responding.

"You need to get laid," he observed. 

"I'm not arguing with that," she agreed as she moved to get back to work. Castiel laughed and started cleaning the counters while they didn't have any customers.

Chuck and Charlie were his two best friends- aside from Dean, of course. Chuck Shurley was a shorter, skinny guy who generally looked disheveled and lost. Being a writer, he was usually jotting down ideas or lines on napkins and shoving them into his pockets for later. Cas always thought of him as a fairly decent writer, but his stories usually consumed him a little too much to be considered healthy. On the other hand, Charlie Bradbury was more than just the cute, nerdy lesbian she appeared to be. She's fun and sassy, quick-witted, and a complete genius, all of which made her so appealing to Cas. Her bright red hair and flamboyant outfits paired her personality perfectly; there was no darkness- literal or metaphorical- that Charlie couldn't light up. Castiel's friends were definitely unique, but he loved them for it.

"Why don't you come to Jo Harvelle's party tonight?" Castiel offered to the conversation.

Chuck gave Castiel a skeptical look. "A party? Since when do you go to parties?"

"Dean begged me to go," he explained. Chuck shrugged knowingly. Cas turned back to Charlie before adding, "He also said there will be lots of loose and inebriated women."

"Well, then you can count me in. I might even try to hit up the hostess. That Jo sure is one fine piece." Charlie grinned and waggled her eyebrows. “Know what I’m sayin’?”

"A _baby_ would know what you’re saying," Chuck retorted.

Charlie punched him in the arm, and Chuck mumbled something about Charlie being easy under his breath. "Am not! I just have an appreciation for butches in femmes' bodies, is all. Excuse me for wanting to actually _socialize_ instead of sitting on my computer all night writing about some dumb brothers who fight monsters and have sex with each other."

Chuck's face was as red as humanly possible, much to Castiel's amusement. A few customers had actually turned around and watched, but Cas held up a hand to them apologetically. "They do not have sex with each other! Why does everyone think that? They're _brothers_ ," he explained for the millionth time even though he knew by now that Charlie was just giving him a hard time.

"Exactly, Chuck! Maybe you should stop writing it that way, and people would stop thinking they're fucking."

" _But they-_ " Chuck looked like the vein in his forehead was about to pop, and Castiel decided it was time to break it up.

"Okay, come on. Chuck, your stories are fine, but there is a level of... sexual tension in the subtext." Cas held his hand up to Chuck when he tried to interject. Charlie stuck out her tongue at him. "And Charlie-" Cas tilted his head and gave her a knowing look.

"I can't just turn this off, Cas," she explained, putting her hands on her hips. "What can I say? I'm irresistable."

Cas huffed a laugh and shook his head, moving past the subject. "Anyways, are you two coming with me tonight? I could really use some friends that will stick with me."

"Yeah, totally," Charlie accepted.

They both looked at Chuck, who seemed as reluctant as before. "I guess I could go, but if it starts to get weird, I'm reserving the right to leave early."

"Naturally," he yielded. "Meet me at my dorm tonight around ten, and we can all walk over together." Castiel didn't know how exactly how Dean was at parties, so he didn't want to follow him around like a lost puppy. Knowing his other friends would be there gave Cas more confidence in his having a good time tonight.

**& &**

They'd only been at the party for ten minutes, and Chuck was already trying to leave. Sure, the music was probably louder than necessary, and there were couples making out around every corner and on most surfaces, and maybe the floor was sticky with spilled beer, but it wasn't _that bad_. Cas gave a pleading look to Dean, who was unfazed by the "lack of class," as Chuck put it.

"Dean, maybe Chuck and I should just go, and you can have fun with your friends..." Cas started hesitantly, his voice barely louder than the music. 

Dean stopped guiding them through the crowd and put a hand on Cas's shoulder as he leaned in to his ear. "No, dude. I invited _you._  We _will_ have a good time, I promise." He pulled back to see the feeble smile on Cas's lips before he leaned back in. "I'm going to get you to relax if it's the last thing I do." Cas nodded concedingly and met Dean's grin with his own. Dean clapped him on the shoulder and began walking again. "Let's start off with drinks!"

"Yeah, let's get wasted!" Charlie shouted enthusiastically.

"Is that such a good idea? Last time you got drunk, you hooked up with a guy," Chuck reminded her. Charlie rolled her eyes and accepted a cup of beer from Dean.

"We live and we learn, my good man." Charlie tipped her cup to Chuck. "Let loose for once, spaz." Chuck made a face at her and snatched a cup from Dean. He walked off into the crowd and disappeared. _Probably going off to find a mouse hole to crawl into and feel more at home._

"You want one?" Dean asked Cas who was still empty-handed. Cas smiled and accepted. When he took the first sip, he cringed a little. "What's wrong?"

"You really weren't lying when you said the beer was shitty," Cas answered with a pained expression. Dean laughed loudly and clapped him on the back.

"How about we get this party started?!" Charlie yelled, raising her cup. The overhearing crowd cheered along with her, and she started dancing in place. Something must've clicked in Cas because he immediately chugged his beer and hooted triumphantly. Surprised by his enthusiasm to join the party, Dean's mouth fell open, and he laughed to himself. _Fuck it._ Dean downed his beer right after him and joined in the whooping.

"Shots!" Someone yelled from the crowd that had gathered around the kitchen. Charlie shouted her approval, and Dean found the liquor and some plastic shot cups. He poured the three of them four shots each before handing the bottle to another group of people.

"Are you ready for this?" Dean asked in Cas's ear, only loud enough for him to hear. Castiel grinned and downed his first shot. "I'll take that as a yes." Dean, instigating a battle, took one shot in both hands and gulped them one after the other. He winced and hissed at the sensation, but let out a holler after the taste passed.

Castiel smiled darkly at him. "You really have no idea who you're messing with." He swiftly picked up and downed the rest of his shots, and without missing a beat, reached over to Charlie's neglected shot and drank it down. He slammed the cup down and gave Dean a smug, triumphant look. The crowd hurrahed and a few people gave approving slaps to his back.

"I guess I don't," Dean admitted quietly. He grinned and downed one shot, sliding the other over to Charlie. She gladly accepted and took Cas by the hand.

"Come on, let's dance!" She tugged him to the connected room where everyone was packed in. Cas threw him a helpless smile and shrug over his shoulder. Dean gave his friend a thumbs-up and poured himself a beer.

He leaned back against the wall and watched the crowd enjoy themselves. He was always fine with sitting by himself and waiting for others to approach him- as they always did. Dean scoped the room out for some girls with the usual "potential." There were a few decent looking girls, but none that really stuck out to him. _Not like that's ever stopped me before._ They usually start being handsy and ready to take him home around the second hour of a party, and Dean rarely found himself saying no.

Dean looked back to his friend who was trying to survive a lady-sandwich consisting of Charlie and some girl with black hair- _Tessa or something_. Dean smirked and felt happy that he could bring Cas out of his element and show him some fun. And he was right: the ladies' eyes were practically glued to him.

"Who's that hot piece of ass you came with, Deano?" A woman's voice called out from behind him. He looked over and smiled at the two girls walking over, both a little tipsy.

"Meg! I didn't know you were into redheads," he teased as he pulled Jo into a side-hug. Meg and Jo had this weird, new friendship that Dean figured he wasn't ever going to understand. They were complete opposites. Meg was dark-haired, devious, sassy, and the school's token "good-time gal." Jo was blonde, good-hearted and down to earth. She was feisty, but had a good head on her shoulders. He'd known both of them since their freshman year, but the girls hadn't gotten to know each other until they were assigned to be roommates this year.

"Oh, Deano, you know I don't judge," Meg returned with a wink. "But I was talking about Mr. Long-Lean-and-Sexy over there."

" _That_ is Castiel Novak. I'm pretty sure you've heard me talking about him. We're roommates, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I've never seen him before, but I like what I see." She was very blatantly scanning Cas up and down like she might literally eat him up.

Dean cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Anyways, Jo, I need to ask you something for a friend."

Jo turned her attention from the crowd to him absently. "Yeah, what is it?"

"Are you into chicks?"

Jo shrugged nonchalantly, barely paying attention to him. "Yeah. Why?" Dean smiled to himself and shrugged back the images that came to mind.

He nodded over to Charlie and Cas. "Charlie Bradbury is looking for some love, and I hear she thinks you're something special." This information obviously piqued her interest; Jo blushed and shifted her gaze first to the ground and then over to the redhead across the room.

"Really?" Dean grinned and nodded. He caught Castiel's glance and waved. Cas waved back, and Dean motioned for him and Charlie to come join them. Cas nodded and said something to Charlie before they walked over together. Jo was blushing even harder and messing with her hair to straighten it out. Dean had never really seen Jo lose her cool before; it was kinda cute.

"Hey. What's up?" Cas and Charlie were out of breath and shiny with perspiration. The alcohol had obviously caught up with them, and their cheeks were flushed.

"I wanna introduce you guys. Cas and Charlie, this is Meg and Jo," he said as he pointed to each of them respectively. Cas smiled at them and swayed on his heels. Charlie put on her best I'm-here-to-fuck-bitches grin and extended her hand to Jo.

"Nice to finally meet you officially," she purred. Jo nodded in agreement. Charlie asked if she wanted a drink, and they immediately walked off together.

"That was… impressively quick," Dean observed.

Cas laughed and hiccupped. Meg saw her opportunity to get her claws into him and put her hand on his arm. "So what about you, Clarence? You wanna get outta here?" she offered seductively.

"You don't even know me," Cas returned with another hiccup. Cas made a funny face that he apparently only made when he was drunk because it was foreign to Dean. " _Plus_ , that's not even my name."

Meg let her hands run up Castiel's chest. "Don't you watch movies?" Cas shrugged, not understanding. 

"She's calling you an angel, bud," Dean offered, leaning in closer to Cas. Cas nodded slowly, sending Dean a knowing wink and thumbs-up. Dean chuckled at his dork of a roommate. "Hey, be careful with him. He's a virgin, after all," Dean warned Meg.

Cas looked at him with confusion, and Meg raised her eyebrows. "What? No, I'm not," he argued like it should've been obvious even though the last time Dean checked, Cas's V-Card was still in tact. Granted, that was back when they first moved into the same room, but Dean was positive there was no way Cas could have time for all of the work he did  _and_ still have time to pull some tail.

"Cas, what-" Dean was cut off by Castiel taking Meg and pinning her against the wall and kissing her passionately. He had one hand on her hip, pulling her closer, and one wrapped in her hair. She moaned in surprise and kissed him back, running her hands up his back. Dean's jaw was practically on the floor, and all he could do was stare. Somewhere in the back of his head, he passively observed the fact that Cas looked like a pretty good kisser.

When Cas finally pulled away and turned back to him, his smiling lips were more pink and swollen, and his messy hair was even more disheveled. Meg stayed leaned against the wall and grinned. With a heaving chest, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Just because you never asked, doesn't mean it never happened," Cas put simply. Dean tried to reply, but all he could do was open and close his mouth around words he couldn't find.

“I feel so… clean.” Meg teased as he ran her hands all over Cas. "God, Deano, I don't know how you can keep your hands off him.”

"I'm not-" Dean started.

"Uh-huh, yeah, that's nice,” she replied with disinterest. “ _We_ are going back to your room. You have fun," she called over her shoulder and she pulled Cas with her out of sight. _Well, okay then. I'll just sit here, I guess._

An hour later, Dean stumbled back to his dorm alone. Apparently all of the decent girls were either taken, gay, or too drunk to stay awake. When he managed to get the door open and shuffled inside, the lights were off and the only source of light was the moon outside of the window. He heard Cas's bed creaking and two sets of moans. Before he knew what he was doing, Dean shut the door quietly, and they apparently hadn't heard him enter the room.

The moans became dirtier and wetter, and Dean was frozen in place. Making out the dark shapes, he could tell Cas was on top, his skin of his back reflecting the moonlight- _and yep. That's his ass. Oh God._ Neither Cas, nor Meg could see him. "Nnn… _god_ ," Cas groaned. Dean's jeans felt tighter, and he palmed the growing bulge, willing it to go away. He chewed on his lip pensively. _I shouldn't be here._ He saw Cas dip his head down and hoist one of Meg's legs up over his shoulder before shifting the angle of his hips- a movement Dean definitely didn't miss.

"Yeah, harder, baby. Mmm, like that," Meg purred. Cas moaned, and the creaks from the bed came faster and louder than before. Meg gasped and moved her hands from Cas's back to hold onto the headboard. "Oh yeah! _Fuck_ , it's so good."  _I_ really  _shouldn't be here._

Dean couldn't take it anymore. He was painfully hard, and if he didn't do something, he might come in his pants. Instead of interrupting, he sneaked into the bathroom connected to their dorm room. Without turning the light on, he freed his erection from the confines of his pants and began to stroke himself while he leaned against the door. The walls weren't very thick, and he could still hear the noises from their room.

Cas groaned something unintelligible loudly and there was a thump. It sounded like someone banging something on the headboard. Meg screamed and laughed simultaneously. Dean held a whimper to himself and began to stroke himself faster. For some reason, he was glad Meg's noises weren't the only things he could hear. Cas's deep, throaty sounds were... inexplicably hot. Their voices became faster and louder, the thumping noise repeating with the loud creaks of the bed springs. As soon as Cas let out a guttural groan, Dean tweaked his wrist and came with a small whimper.

"Holy shit, Clarence. You really weren't kidding, were you?" Dean overheard Meg comment breathily. Cas didn't say anything, but he heard the bed spring some more. Dean cleaned himself up as much as he could for being in the dark and waited to hear something else before he walked out.

After a few more minutes, he heard the pair's voices on the other side of the bathroom door where it met the doorway to their room. "It was nice meeting you, Meg. I, uh... hope we can do this again sometime," Cas slurred hoarsely. 

Dean heard Meg chuckle. "You can bet that sweet ass of yours we will." A few moments later, he heard the bed creak again, along with the door opening and shutting. Dean wanted to wait until Cas was sleeping before he emerged. Remembering how drunk Cas was, Dean figured it wouldn't take him very long.

After waiting a good five minutes, he crept out of the bathroom and over to his bed. Sure enough, Cas was laying on his stomach, snoring lightly. Dean pretended not to notice that Cas hadn't been bothered to even put his boxers back on. And Dean _definitely_ didn't take a few seconds longer than necessary to admire the slight muscles in his back. He took his jeans off and crawled into bed, purposefully laying on his right side and facing the wall. He could worry about whatever it is that just happened in the morning; for now, all he had to do was go to sleep.


	2. August 20, 2013

The next morning came very suddenly and very loudly, startling Castiel out of his deep slumber with the blaring noise of his alarm clock.His eyes were so heavy, he couldn't even open them to see his alarm clock as he effetely tried to switch it off. He groaned helplessly in his efforts.  _Why the hell do alarm clocks even exist? Just let me live,_ he silently pleaded with the clock. "Jesus-fucking-Christ! Just-shut-up!" He growled at the alarm clock as he slammed his hand down on his enemy in a desperate attempt at victory. Suddenly, a hand caught his wrist midair, and within a second, the noise stopped. "Thank _God_ ," he mumbled and buried his face back in the pillow.

"You're real pleasant this mornin'," Dean mumbled. Cas huffed a laugh into the pillow. "I'll tell your professors and your boss that you're sick," Dean added. The sunlight that was trying to permeate its way through Castiel's eyelids was blocked and the room went black; obviously Dean had put up a spare blanket and fastened it to the wall. "I got you a, uh- bottle of water, some Alka-Seltzer and some migraine tablets for when you decide to get up. There's a trash can beside your bed if you gotta hurl and can't make it to the bathroom. Don't worry about the work you're gonna miss either; I'll pick up what I can and bring it back later."

Cas smiled weakly, eyes still closed. "Thanks, Mom," he mumbled.

"Shut up, dick. Go back to sleep."

Cas made a noise of thanks and rolled back over to sleep facing the wall. Sometimes Castiel was really glad Dean was so familiar with hangovers because no matter how many times he got them (predictably, not that often), Cas could never figure out how to get over them. When he heard Dean leave the room, he hummed contentedly and fell asleep.

**& &**

In all honesty, Dean was pretty relieved that Cas was feeling indisposed. He certainly hadn’t been drunk enough to forget what happened last night, and he didn't want to have to face his friend about it.  _And_ _seriously, what the fuck? Since when do I jerk off to my best friend having sex? Maybe it was the booze... Yeah, I must've been more wasted than I thought._ Of course, he knew that last part wasn't particularly true, but he was going through a crisis- and goddamnit, he was allowed to comfort himself with a little lie.

Dean was grateful there was nobody around to read the thoughts plastered all over his face because all morning, his mind kept going right back to last night. The kiss-  _the kiss_ \- was practically on a constant loop in his head- well, aside from when Castiel's naked ass was busy haunting him. It seemed like he couldn't escape any of it, and Dean was feeling about ready to just blow his brains out any second now. 

Not like he'd ever admit to it out loud (he could barely admit it to himself), but if he was honest, he didn't totally know who he was jealous of. That was definitely freaking him out to say the least. Meg's far from unattractive, but  _God..._ Cas's back just looked so firm as his muscles moved with his thrusts, and... The  _noises_ that came out of him- just deep and guttural noises that Dean didn't know Cas was capable of- Dean figured they would find a home permanently embedded in his spank bank whether he liked it or not.

 _Fucking Christ, what is going on?_ Dean was going crazy. He suddenly became very aware of his obvious erection and all at once decided he was skipping class this morning. The first thing he did was go to the bathroom and relieve himself of his current dilemma.  _And since when did I regress into this fucking hormonal teenage boy having to jerk off everyday? Seriously, Winchester, get it together._

Dean remembered he had promised Castiel he would take care of things for him, and called his boss. "Hello?" The man on the other line huffed. "Who is this?"

"Mr. Zachariah, this is Dean Winchester, Castiel Novak's roommate-"

"What do you want?" Dean rolled his eyes. Zachariah was probably the biggest asshole in the history of assholes. Luckily, Cas didn't have to work with him too much since Zachariah was the regional manager and only had to work in the store from time to time.

"Castiel came down with the flu and can't make it into work today, so I'm just calling a few hours ahead to make sure there was time to find someone else to work his shift," Dean answered, trying his best to remain calm and polite. He didn't want Cas to get fired for him being his usual dick self.

Zachariah sighed tiredly into the phone. "Will he be better by tomorrow?"

"Hopefully. He's ridin' the bench today, though."

"Okay. Thank you, Mr. Westchester."

"It's Win-" He was cut off by the other line hanging up. “-chester.” _Dick._ He shoved his phone back into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper with Castiel's classes and teachers on it. On Tuesdays and Thursdays he had four classes, starting from 8 am and ending around 3 or 4 in the afternoon.

"How in the hell has he not collapsed from exhaustion? This is fucking ridiculous," Dean mumbled to himself as he started walking towards Cas's classes. His friend's overwhelming drive to keep himself busy with school never failed to impress him.

**& &**

_I am never leaving this bed for the rest of my life. I will give up everything and die here._  Cas could practically feel his head throbbing, his throat was dry and sticky, and the old sweat on his skin made him feel disgusting. He reluctantly picked his head up to make sure the promised items were actually on the bedside table, not to his disappointment. He heaved himself up to the edge of the bed and took the pills before he put the seltzer in the rest of the water.

Wiping a heavy hand over his face and wiping his eyes, he looked back over at the alarm clock only to see it was already nearing two in the afternoon. Thanks to the blanket covering the window, he hadn't even been aware of his sleeping for 12 hours. Naturally, he groaned as he began to worry about the classes he was missing and the work he wasn't coming in for. _I'm going to be so behind._ Cas huffed a humorless laugh to himself and rested the side of his face in his hand, hunching over lazily.  _Drinking at parties, hooking up with women I just met, and sleeping in until the afternoon... I am turning into Dean._

Dean wasn't all delinquent, though. He was going out of his way to make sure Cas had the whole day to recover after all, and Castiel was very grateful for that. Despite Dean being usually rough-around-the-edges and generally not "in touch with his feminine side," he had a side to him that was more gentle and caring, and he had protective instincts that could rival a mother bear's instincts to care for her cubs. Albeit, this side didn't come out very often, but occasionally Cas caught a glimpse of it.

Castiel drank the seltzer water and stretched, still sitting up in bed. The intense pounding of his head was lessening, but the swirling vortex of nausea that had invaded his gut still remained. He couldn't stand feeling so filthy anymore, and decided to take a shower.

Standing up slowly and deliberately, he hunched his back over to stretch the tight muscles. He then became very conscious of how naked he was.  _I am never drinking ever again,_ he thought with a miserable groan. That probably wasn't true; he had that thought every time he had a hangover, and yet here he was. Again.

As he eased his back upright, he made sure to crack every individual joint of his vertebrae. One last round of quick stretching, and he trudged his way into the bathroom. Cas yawned and turned the shower onto the hottest setting he could stand. Castiel could already tell the difference in the air temperatures and shivered before climbing into the steamy shower.

For the first minute or so, all he could do was stand under the water and let it sink into his skin. The heat felt good- it seemed to wash away all of the grime from his skin, while also relieving his head and stomach aches.

As he washed his hair, his thoughts traveled to Meg. _Should I call her? I've never hooked up with someone before we were dating. Are we dating?_ Should _we be dating? Am I supposed to call the next day, or do I wait a while? If I call today, maybe she'll think I'm clingy. If I wait, maybe she'll think I'm not interested and then she'll end up resenting me._ Am _I interested?_ Castiel rubbed a hand over his face and let out a deep sigh. _College is hard._

He decided to postpone those thoughts for later. For now, he savored the rest of his shower. College was hectic, and he didn't get very many chances to just indulge in a long, hot shower, so he was in no hurry to let it end now.

Humming softly, he stepped out of the shower and toweled off. He roughly mussed his hair with the towel, relishing in the way it made his head tingle. He wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out of the bathroom to find Dean standing in the bedroom by Castiel's desk and apparently startling him.

"Cas! You..." Dean blinked quickly a few times before he turned around pointedly, throwing his hands up beside his face to act as blinders. He cleared his throat pointedly. Cas furrowed his brow in confusion.

Cas walked over to the dresser and took out a clean change of clothes. "What's wrong with you?" 

"Dude, you're naked," Dean stammered, still facing the wall.

"I have a towel on," he pointed out.

Dean choked. "Just, uh... seen a little more than I wanted to," he mumbled.

Cas could feel his frustration and confusion rising. "Are you calling me fat or something? I mean, I know I don't have a whole lot of time to spend in the gym, but-" Cas grunted and gestured with his hand to try and finish his sentence.

Dean turned back to face him and heaved a frustrated sigh. "Cas, that's not what I meant." Castiel watched as Dean's gaze fell from his face to his still bare, damp chest. He hesitated under the scrutiny and cleared his throat to bring Dean's attention back. Dean cleared his throat and looked away again.

"Well if you're not telling me to go on a diet, why is my body bothering you?" He was genuinely baffled, and Dean's stubbornness wasn't helping.

Dean threw up his hands. "I don't know. It's been a weird day. Just… I got all of your shit and put it on your desk. I've got to go to work," he said as he made a determined line for the door. He hesitated in the doorway and looked back at Cas, who was still stunned in confusion. His tone changed from urgent to milder and more sincere. "Just... Call me if you need anything, okay?"

Cas nodded, and Dean gave him a small, tight-lipped smile before he left and shut the door behind him. Castiel just stared at the closed door, bewildered. _What just happened here?_

**& &**

Dean drove the normally forty-five minute commute to work in less than twenty minutes. Thankfully, he didn't get caught speeding; he really couldn't afford to get his license revoked. Again. He drove into the back side of Turner's Auto Shop and threw the car into park. With a grumpy huff, he slammed the door and entered the shop area.

"What the hell is wrong with you, boy?" The older man called from underneath a rusty car.

"It's nothing, Rufus. Just school," Dean replied as he ran a hand over his face and sighed. "What do we have going on in the books today?"

Rufus rolled out from under the car and pointed towards his office. "I don't remember what car it is, but just work on the oil and filter change with routine checkup. She should be here in a couple'a hours to pick it up. I've been too busy with this hunk of junk to start on it."

"Not a problem." Rufus resumed his work, and Dean went through the door to skim the appointment book.

 _Name: Lisa Braeden_  
_Car: Green 2010 Ford Fiesta_  
_Service(s): Oil/filter change, state inspection._

Dean could do these in his sleep. He was grateful for the easy job because there was less of a chance he would screw up from being distracted. He wandered off to the yard with the keys and drove the car into the shop. 

The car in question was uncommonly clean and smelled faintly of citrus. All in all, it was a little too prissy for his taste- his baby was his lean, mean pride and joy. _But pretty cars usually belong to pretty girls_ , he reminded himself. And that was exactly what he needed to keep his mind off of… _whatever_ it was he seemed to be stuck on.

Dean got right to work under the hood. Cars had always been his passion. Growing up, he always spent time around them and eventually worked in his uncle Bobby's auto shop and salvage yard. Dean wasn't blessed with the brains his brother had, and he didn't really have many other talents to speak of, but cars were something he’d taken to naturally. Cars felt like home.

One of the scariest parts of going away to college was the thought that he might not be able to have a connection to his life back in Kansas. Bobby, however, had planned ahead; he and his old friend from the war still kept in touch, and Rufus was kind enough to promise Dean a job for as long as he would be out in California. Dean never would be able to thank either of them enough, so he works as best as he can to make it worth the trouble.

Truly, the only reason he chose to go to UCLA was Sammy. Sam had been planning on going to Stanford University ever since his freshman year of high school, and they'd shown their interest in him, too. They'd be dumb not to be interested; Sam was always at the top of his class- a natural whiz kid- _and_ participated in way too many school activities across the board from soccer to Spanish Club.

Cas and Sam were actually more similar in those means than they were to Dean. Dean hadn't been the school type. It wasn't like he was an idiot- he could sustain a B or C average with the best of them- but he just didn't care. He hadn't found the passion for something that urged him to pursue it, and subsequently hadn't really cared enough to apply to college. He took a year off from school to work before he let Sam convince him to apply to schools.

He applied to most of the public universities in the cities surrounding Stanford. UCLA was the closest one to Stanford that accepted him. A five hour drive from LA to Stanford was way better than the 24 hour drive between California and Kansas, and he readily enrolled. With their calculations, he would be entering his third year at the same time Sam would enter his first year, so Dean only had to suffer through two years by himself.

As it turned out, college had been great for him- something he never would have expected. He fared pretty well in most of his classes (admittedly thanks to Cas), he had made enough friends rather easily, and he still had spare time to work for Rufus. Dean missed his brother more than he would ever let on, but he was never really lonely. Cas had proven to be one of the best friends anyone could ask for; if it weren't for him, Dean might have failed or found a way to get himself kicked out by this time.

Before his thoughts had the chance to get away from him, he heard a bell jingle from the office area. _Has it been two hours already?_ He looked down at the car and noticed he'd apparently done the entire job in a daze, only leaving him with two things left to check before he was done.

"Just a minute," he called out. Dean hurriedly finished the inspection and drove the car around front. When he got to the office, he didn't miss the girl standing in front of the desk- a total knockout: long brown hair, tan, slim but with some curves. The brief moment of appreciation didn't last long because she turned around when the bell jingled. Always quick to recover, he flashed her his best smile and went behind the desk. "Are you Lisa?"

She smiled brightly at him. "I am. Is my car ready?"

"I just finished," he said. He printed a paper off of the computer and handed it to her. "This is just to tell you everything passed inspection, and it's been sent off," he mentioned as he pointed to the list. Lisa thanked him as he rang up her service. She paid her bill, giving him side glances and grins in the process. He studied her for a moment, trying to decide if she looked familiar. "Do I know you from somewhere?"

She raised an amused eyebrow at his apparently dumb question. "We're in British Lit together."

Dean, a little embarrassed at his lack of observation skills, laughed it off. "Yeah, of course. I was just... seeing if _you_ remembered," he clumsily recovered. She laughed and nodded sarcastically. He stuck out his hand to her. "I'm Dean, by the way."

She looked at his hand, which he didn't realize was covered in grease. She smiled awkwardly and pointed it out. He huffed nervously and wiped his hands on a spare towel. "I know who you are," she put simply.

He raised an eyebrow to her and smirked. "Oh yeah?" She gave him a single nod with a tiny smile that made Dean figure she knew some things. "I take it you've heard some things from the grape vine."

"I've heard things, but I believe in giving people a chance before judging them." 

Dean grinned and put his elbows on the counter. "So you don't judge a book by its cover?"

She leaned forward over the counter just a little. "It's more like not judging a book based on the reviews." She gave him a long once-over before she added, "The cover looks pretty interesting."

Dean smirked again with an impressed eyebrow raise before jotting his number down on a scrap piece of paper. "Let me know if you ever feel like checking this book out sometime."

Lisa took the slip of paper from between his first two fingers and held it up. "I'll be sure to do that." She gave him another look before turning away and sashaying out the door. She was obviously swaying her hips on purpose, but Dean wasn't complaining. She turned her head and exchanged a flirty smile with him before she disappeared.

Dean bit his lip and nodded to himself. "Damn, son,” Rufus voiced from behind him, giving Dean a jolt. “I hope you had protection.” Dean gave him a questioning look. “For all that eye-fucking you just did," Rufus remarked from the door behind him. Dean laughed and shook his head. This was exactly what he needed to distract himself from his… other distraction _._

Dean got back to his dorm at around 11 that night. He was careful not to make much noise, since Castiel was typically asleep by then; plus, he still wasn't exactly ready to face him after all that'd been going on that day. His stealth was pointless, though, because there wasn't a body in his bed. There was, however, a post-it note on his desk. " _Meg called. We're going to a movie. Don't wait up. –Cas."_ Dean sighed in relief. Maybe this wasn't going to be so hard after all.


	3. September 11, 2013

For the most part, Dean had returned to acting like his usual self. The boys' relationship went back to normal- though Cas wasn't even aware that it had changed in the first place. Sure, Dean occasionally still had the lingering memory of Cas's lips or his body, but it was nothing to worry about. Definitely not.

Dean was grateful for finding Lisa. She immediately proved to be an effective distraction- Dean likes to refer to a specific incident as the "bendiest weekend of his life." Sure, Lisa wasn't entirely what he was looking for; she wasn't very subtle when she hinted about wanting to be in a committed relationship even though that was _far_ from Dean's mind, but she was a sweet girl. Plus, any distraction from the thoughts Dean kept hidden in the shadows of his mind was welcomed with open arms. 

Castiel and Meg's situation was a little more confusing. Castiel still wasn't used to her free spirit or sexual brazenness, and he had a less than easy time keeping up with her. Dean encouraged him to embrace it and to be grateful for the "blessing," as Dean referred to the situation, so Cas gave it a try. Obviously, academics were still at the top of his list of priorities, but when he had a free night, he didn't turn down quality time with the brunette. Cas wasn't too attached to her personally due to the fact that they never talked about anything deeper than the shallow end of a kiddie pool, but he enjoyed her company. He and Meg were both really closed-off people, so sharing was kept to a minimum, which neither of were in a hurry to change. Dean liked to joke around and call them "emotionally constipated," but Cas resented that because he knew Dean was the same way.

A routine formed over the course of three weeks. Cas spent his nights working, doing homework, or studying- occasionally taking some time to relax in the company of Meg. Dean would usually leave to visit Lisa's apartment anywhere from 10 pm to 2 am, and he was always back before 3 am. The boys saw each other in passing, fleeting moments where they'd ask how the other's day was going, but otherwise their routines naturally avoided the others'. Both guys figured this was a sustainable contentedness, not expecting anything to change any time soon.

 

**& &**

Dean was walking to the cafeteria with his friends Adam and Victor, carrying on a loud conversation about nothing in particular when Dean's phone chimed from his pocket. The caller ID read 'Lisa.'

Dean shushed them as he answered the call. "Hey, Lis'." Victor made a kissing face at him, and Dean punched him in the chest. 

"Hey, handsome, what are you up to?" Lisa asked cheerily.

"Well, pretty lady-" Dean had this problem where he flirted on the phone like he did in person, grinning and raising his eyebrows like a moron. Naturally, the guys never stopped giving him shit for it. "-I'm just on my way to lunch with Henriksen and Milligan. Why, what's up?" 

She sighed deeply. _Here it comes._ "I wanted to eat with you."

Dean scratched his head. "I mean, you could still sit _with us_." Lisa had tried to fit in with their group for a while before, but it was to no avail. Dean was pretty sure it's just Victor and Adam that rubbed her the wrong way, for whatever reason. "I kinda promised the guys I'd hang out with them. We haven't-"

"Dean, I'm your girlfriend. I should be the one you're making time for." He choked out a surprised noise and pinched the bridge of his nose.

'You okay?' Adam mouthed at him.

Dean nodded and signaled for them to give him a minute. "Baby, we've talked about this," he replied pleadingly as he turned around.

"Please don't 'baby' me right now. You've talked, and I listened. I need something more than whatever it is we have going on."

Dean sighed while he tried to compose his thoughts. "Can we do this later?"

"How's tonight?"

He grunted. "You _know_ Cas and I have plans for a guys' night."

"Jesus, Dean. It's 'guys' this and 'guys' that- you know, if you're not careful, you're going to be sending the wrong _message_." Her tone was punctuated by the clicking of the call ending.

"I'm not gay, you-!" He quietly growled into the phone before gripping it tight in his fist and aching to hit something out of frustration. He shook his head and snapped the phone shut before shoving it back into his pocket. Dean ignored the look Victor and Adam exchanged, just rolling his eyes and shoving past them and into the dining hall.

The boys piled up their plates in silence before sitting at their usual table. The cafeteria was crowded, and their table was filled with the usual suspects- with the exception of Jo, who had been up Charlie's ass ever since they started talking more, and Ash, who pretty much tagged along with Jo most of the time. The people at his table weren't the greatest, but he was used to them by this point. Today, though, he just couldn't be bothered to even make an attempt at conversation with them.

Adam cleared his throat after the silence became intolerable. "So, uh..." Dean glanced up at him. "Lisa still boycotting our table?"

Dean huffed a laugh and picked at the fries on his plate absently. "Man, she hates us. I already told you that," Victor answered through a mouth full of food. "She still givin' you shit?" He directed at Dean.

Dean let out an exhausted groan and rubbed a heavy hand over the top of his head. "She's just so frustrating sometimes. Like, I told you how she acted and talked when I met her, right?" The guys nodded and Dean gesticulated his point. "So, I _assumed_ she was cool with going no-strings. I'm _not_ looking for someone to tie me down." _And I'm not gay._

"Crazy chicks, man..."  Adam shook his head lazily with a smile.

"Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em," Victor finished for him.

Dean ran his hands over his face. "She's not crazy. She's sweet, but she just… expects more."

"Code for crazy, man," Victor returned. Dean looked down at the table and rubbed the back of his neck. "If I were you, I'd cut my losses and find someone who knows how it is." Adam nodded in agreement with Victor.

Dean sighed and pushed his plate away, not finding himself very hungry anymore. "Yeah, you're probably right. I'll just talk to her tomorrow or something. If she's not willing to go no-strings, I'll end it."

Victor and Adam changed the subject to football, and Dean decided to tune out. He didn't feel any sort of _real_ mind-blowing connection with Lisa, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to give up whatever distraction she was providing. Dean had gotten pretty good at ignoring his thoughts about Cas that were anything less than wholesome- or at least telling himself he was ignoring them- and whenever his urges were out of his control, Lisa was always willing to give him release. She never asked questions when Dean didn't look at her sometimes, or when he would kiss her just to muffle her voice. _But really, how could she even think I wanted to be with her for real? Dean Winchester does not settle down._ Dean rubbed a hand over his face and pushed his fingers into the corners of his eyes.

"Hey, man, is Lisa still bothering you?" Victor asked.

Dean returned to reality and gave him a side smile. "Nah, just thinking about school and stuff."

Adam laughed and clapped him on the back when they got up to leave. "Yeah, right. Just don't let her get to you. Try thinking about all the other hot pieces of ass you can get when you cut her loose." Dean nodded and tried to smile. _That's exactly what I_ don't _need to think about._

****

**& &**

 

Wednesdays around three in the afternoon were always slow at 'Brews. Castiel was sweeping the dining area for the second time since his shift started three hours prior while Chuck was deliberately wiping the counters, and Charlie lounged over the register, mindlessly picking at a straw wrapper.

"Y’know, I think I actually prefer working during the rush. The boredom is sucking my will to live," Charlie said after a long silence. Cas leaned against the broom and opened his mouth to reply when he heard the familiar clacking noise of heels against the tile approaching the cafe from behind the aisles of books. Charlie and Chuck stood up from their slouching positions and tried to seem professional. " _Finally_ ," Charlie mumbled.

"Hey, Clarence," Meg called as she came into sight. The friends behind the counter sighed in disappointment, slouching back over and resuming their fidgeting.

Cas smiled at her and pulled her into his side. "To what do I owe this surprise?"

"I was just thinking about you…" She ran her hand up his bicep. He grinned and raised an eyebrow at her. "And me… So I decided to come see you just to tie me over until tonight, when you can do the tying." She winked at him suggestively, and he chuckled.

He heard his friends make disgusted noises and he cleared his throat. "It’s actually _tide_ you over, not tie-“ Meg rolled her eyes. “-But as fun as that sounds, I already have plans with Dean. He's calling it a guys' night."

Meg stared at him incredulously. "Dean's your roommate. You see him all the time."

"Not lately- if I'm in the room, he's working or out with Lisa. If he's in the room, I'm usually out with you or already asleep. We've barely seen each other this past month."

Meg still looked skeptical. "So you'd rather have a romantic night in with your boyfriend than have sex?" Meg clarified slowly, as if Castiel was somehow missing her point. "I just wanna make sure I'm getting my facts straight."

Castiel tilted his head out of confusion. "Dean is not my-" Cas started.

"Hey, don't worry about it. It's just kind of surprising that anyone would choose a _guys' night_ ," she calmly emphasized the words with heavy sarcasm. "-Over having awesome, kinky sex with me."

Cas reached out for her apologetically. "I didn't mean-"

Meg laughed lightheartedly and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Calm down, big boy. We're not exclusive or anything. Don't you worry about me." Cas nodded, and Meg kissed his cheek before turning to leave. "Have fun tonight. Drop by if you change your mind," she directed at him with a wink and the smallest of smiles. "Later, Sketch. See you tonight, Red," she called over her shoulder with a wave.

"Bitch," Chuck mumbled to himself.

"Jo's coming over to my room tonight," Charlie called out to Meg before she got too far. Meg turned to look back at her. Charlie gave her an unsure wave. "Just, uh... You won't see me tonight."

Meg gave her a look somewhere between confused and amused, and nodded. "Whatever," she said with a mostly indifferent expression. She nodded to them one last time before turning back and leaving the shop.

"Why are you even with her?" Chuck questioned as soon as she was out of earshot.

Castiel walked back behind the counter and put the broom back in storage. "We're not _together_ , necessarily. And it's just easy, I suppose," he replied honestly with a shrug.

" _It's_ easy or _she's_ easy?" Chuck remarked flatly. He snorted before adding, "Probably both." Charlie slipped out the smallest of laughs before slapping Chuck in the chest with the back of her hand. Chuck made a pained grunt and rubbed the spot.

"Don't be like that. It's just easier to..." Cas fidgeted around in search of the words. "-Go with the flow," he decided on. "And she's... _fun._  I never have _fun_."

Charlie scoffed in mock offense. "I'm _right here_." 

Cas looked at her pointedly before continuing. "You know what I mean. Plus, it's not like I have any other options," he trailed off the conversation. Before waiting too long, he changed the subject. "Anyways, how are things with you and Jo? I didn't want to ask at lunch."

"We're totally great." Charlie beamed a bright smile as her cheeks reddened. "She's so awesome. She doesn't always get my references, but I _really_ like her." Cas found himself smiling at Charlie's enthusiasm. "Okay, like, we were out on a _date_ \- How cool is that? A _date_?" Charlie made a little squeal over the concept. "Anyways, we were out, and I kept talking and talking like I tend to do-" Chuck let out a laugh, but Charlie just rolled her eyes. "-So I was just talking because I was embarrassed about something- I don't remember- and you know what she did? She just kissed me. She just pulled me in for a kiss and whispered 'Shut up.'" Charlie reenacted the gesture and sighed dreamily. Castiel shook his head with amusement while Chuck scribbled something on his hand. "I'm going to ask her to be my girlfriend tomorrow."

Charlie was practically bursting at the seams, and her happiness made Cas smile. "That's amazing, Charlie. I'm really happy for you." And he was happy for her- if even just a little jealous.

**& &**

 

When Dean made it back to the room around 5 pm, Cas was already lounging on the bed in his glasses, a worn long-sleeve shirt, and sweatpants, reading _Cat's Cradle_. Dean sighed inwardly. _One of my favorites. Naturally._ When he was doing work in his room, Castiel always wore this pair of big, bulky, thick-rimmed glasses that Dean teased him for wearing.

Dean would never admit it, but the glasses in combination with his messy hair made Cas look like some kinda rockstar-meets-sexy professor hybrid. _Sexy? Damnit, dude, stop!_ Dean shook the thought out of his head. "Hey, Poindexter. I see you're finally reading a good book for once," he teased as he tossed his bag onto the floor beside his desk.

"Shut up." Cas threw his extra pillow at Dean. Dean hit it aside and laughed. "Guess what."

Dean sat on the bed and unlaced his boots. He pursed his lips, trying to look thoughtful. "Mm, we're re-entering Vietnam and I'm being drafted?"

Cas gave him an unamused look, and Dean grinned playfully. "Lisa stopped by. You were close, though," Cas added sarcastically. "She figured you were here, but when she was _finally_ convinced it was just me, she said to tell you to call her." Dean let out a deep sigh and rubbed his face. Cas set his book aside, noticing Dean's attitude. "Is everything alright between you two?"

"She's just so damn _clingy_ , man."

"She could probably take a lesson from Meg, then," Cas mumbled.

Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas. "Something wrong in Megstiel land?"

Castiel stared into space and shrugged. "I'm not sure... This whole 'casual' thing was a mutual agreement, but today... I don’t know. It's just not what I expected." Cas sighed and set his lips tight before meeting Dean's eyes. "I don't know what I expected."

"Too casual?"

"Sort of, but not necessarily. For example, I told her I couldn't come over tonight since we already had plans, but she just didn't really _understand_... That probably doesn't sound like much of a problem," he added quietly. "I'm not even sure what the problem is. The sex is great-" _Don't even think about it, Dean._ "-But there's something missing. It just feels... off."

Dean nodded. "I know exactly what you mean. Well, kinda. You just can't... click. Right?"

"Yes. There's just something missing- I don't know how else to put it." Cas shook his head again, watching Dean as he waited for Dean's input.

Dean felt himself start smiling, absently staring at Castiel. _He's such an attentive listener._ Cas's look changed to confused, and Dean cleared his throat before turning away. "Uh, yeah, anyways. That's what it's like with me and Lisa. So, I feel your pain." He laid back in his bed and licked his bottom lip, mindlessly chewing on it. "Y'know, I'm actually thinking about just calling it quits." Dean nodded to himself briefly before looking back to Cas. "You should talk to Meg if you really think it isn't workin' for you."

Cas sat up straight and hesitated. "Tonight?" Dean shrugged. "But we have-"

Dean stopped him. "Dude, it's cool. We can have guys' night whenever. Go talk to her. Or you know... _Don't_ talk to her." Dean bit his tongue and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Cas grinned and looked down.

"Yes, I suppose you're right. I'll _talk_ to her," Cas clarified as he stood up to retrieve his discarded jeans. Dean shrugged passively and stared at the ceiling while Cas changed in the bathroom. When he came out and went to leave, Dean wished him good luck. "Thanks. You should call Lisa and talk to her, too," he said as he closed the door.

Dean sighed to himself. He was definitely not calling Lisa tonight, but he knew exactly what number he did need to call.

 

**& &**

 

The walk over to the Meg's residency hall wasn't too long, but the solitude gave him time to think. _Should I just break things off, or should I stick it out? I mean, neither of us are exactly relationship material, but still... Maybe I should just try to make a real connection before giving up._ He sighed and dug his hands into his coat pockets.  _Go with the flow, Castiel. Flexibility is key._

He took the elevator up to her floor and cautiously proceeded to her room. He took a deep breath before knocking on the door. There was a faint thump from inside the room, and after what seemed like a minute, a man- with nothing on except for a pillow held to his crotch- opened the door.

"Are you the pizza man?" The- apparently British- man asked impatiently. "Where's the pizza?"

Cas furrowed his brow. "I'm looking for Meg-"

" _Hey_ , sweetcheeks," Meg cheerily greeted from inside the room. He peered around the man only to observe that Meg was stark naked and had her hands tied to the bed railing with underwear.

"Oh, uh…" Cas found himself suddenly becoming overwhelmingly aware of all of the nudity around him and turned to leave.

"No, don't go!" She beckoned. He stopped and waited to see what she had to say. "Do you wanna join us?" The guy looked at him expectantly, and Cas tried to just focus on her.

 _Am I really supposed to answer that? Is she serious?_ "Um, no. Uh- thank you for the invitation, but I think this," he pointed from himself to Meg. "-Is not exactly what I'm looking for right now."

She nodded understandingly. "Well, baby, you've got my number. Don't lose it." He gave her a small smile and waved goodbye.

Before he could leave, the guy grabbed his arm and leaned in closer. "Let me know if you'd be interested in doing this..." The guy raised his eyebrows pointedly. "-Some other time. Perhaps alone?" He gave Cas a tiny smile and extended his hand in invitation. "Balthazar."

Cas stared at the hand before reluctantly shaking it, ignoring his imagination telling him of all the places the hand could've been since it last saw a sink. Cas tried to smile pleasantly and held back the obviously awkward expression he could feel coming up. "Castiel." Balthazar nodded and grinned, leaning against the doorway to watch as Cas shuffled away. Out of all the things that just happened, one thought really stuck with Castiel:  _Why were they ordering a pizza?_

 

**& &**

 

Dean was sitting at the desk with his laptop open to a download screen when the door opened. He peered over to see Cas coming in. "That was fast. How'd it go?"

Castiel fell onto his bed. "It was... interesting." He told Dean all about the situation with Meg and Balthazar. "-And then she invited me to join them."

The image of Cas being propositioned to join an orgy was too much, and Dean busted out laughing. "I'm sorry, but wow. Just…" Dean shook off the rest of his laugh. "What did you do?"

"Well obviously I had to decline due to my prior engagements, but the guy was really very nice." Dean stared at him with amusement as Cas pondered quietly. "He asked me out for a later date. I think I'll take him up on it sometime next week."

Dean's laughter died in his throat immediately, and he stared at Cas's unreadable expression. "You..."

"My workload is just too busy this week," Cas mentioned monotonously. He looked over to Dean and set his lips tight. "I don't think I'd have time to squeeze him in."

Dean choked on words he couldn't grasp, and his mind was definitely going places he swore to never let it go. He tried to speak before watching a grin slowly spread across Castiel's lips. "You're kidding," were the words Dean finally landed on. He wasn't sure if it was an observation or a question.

Cas let out a small laugh. "You're too easy sometimes."

"Yeah, well you're… too easy... all of the times," he stumbled out clumsily.

"The Master of Comebacks strikes again! You have slain me," Castiel teased with another laugh. "How'd it go with The Lady Braeden?"

Dean squinted at Cas's lexicon for a second. _He doesn't know about the LARPing... Does he?_ Cas made an expectant face, slightly bewildered by Dean's hesitation. _Okay. Safe for now._ Dean shrugged the suspicion away. "I didn't call her, _but_ ," he stood up and started rummaging through his desk drawer. "I did call Ash."

Cas looked even more confused. "Ash? Why?"

Dean turned around and held up a brown lunch bag folded up. "I got us something extra special for movie night."

"Dean… is that-?" Cas started, moving to sit on the edge of his bed.

Dean nodded suggestively. "Hells yes it is. Come on, let's roll this bitch."

"Dean, no."

"Dude, yes." Cas's expression remained apprehensive. Dean sighed before sticking out his bottom lip and batting his eyelashed. " _Please_?"

Cas rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "How is this going to improve our evening?" he questioned exasperatedly.

"It's just fun, I don't know. Just  _relax,_ " Dean mentioned, walking over and putting his hands on Cas's arms. "Look, we'll order a pizza, get comfortable, put on some _Empire Strikes Back..._ It'll be a good time." He waited a few seconds to see if Cas's expression would give. "Aren’t you always talking about how stressed you are? And we're both about to be ending our consistent hook-ups, so..."

" _Dean_ -"

"Just once, Cas. Trust me."

Cas rolled his eyes again. He let out a sigh that Dean identified as defeat, and he inwardly celebrated. "Fine, _b_ _ut_ the pizza is going to be meat lover's, and I _will_ get the last slice."

Dean grinned victoriously. "Deal. This is going to be awesome, I promise. Go do whatever you gotta do and I've got the rest." Cas accepted and went about his business while Dean ordered their pizza.

Setting up their usual movie seating situation, Dean put the laptop on the edge of his bed so they could sit on the floor with their backs to Castiel's bed and have the computer at eye-level- all without having to actually _share_ a bed. Dean made himself comfortable sitting on his pillow and began to roll the joint in his lap. 

Cas emerged from the bathroom and sat on his own pillow by Dean's side. "Shouldn't we wait until we get the pizza?" Dean glanced at him in question. "I'm pretty sure it would be suspicious to have a smoke cloud billow out of the room when we get it."

Dean grinned and returned his attention back to his lap. "You worry too much, Cas. It's not like anyone would care anyways, _but we'll wait if it makes you feel better, princess_ ," Dean added mockingly. Cas glared at him lightheartedly and Dean met the glare with his own.

The pizza didn't take long getting there; Dean paid for their food and set it in front of their pillow-seats. "Hey, open the window," Dean directed with a nod of his head. After Dean shut off the light and Cas opened the window, they settled back down in their spots. Dean started the movie and picked up the joint and his lighter. Cas watched him intently. Dean put it between his lips and pulled a drag from it as he lit the opposite end, inhaling deeply. Holding the smoke in his lungs, he pulled it away from his mouth and extended the joint to Cas.  "Your turn," he insisted after waiting a few seconds to blow the smoke out of the corner of his mouth.

Cas reluctantly snatched the joint and put it up to his mouth. "Don't make fun of me, or we'll never do this together again," he warned upon his hesitation. Dean grinned silently. Cas copied Dean's demonstration, but when he inhaled, the smoke obviously burned his throat. He tried to hold it in his mouth, but ended up snorting and coughing it out.

Dean held back a laugh and handed him a bottle of water. "That was... good. But, uh, don't be surprised by it. When you inhale, you need to breathe it in, not just suck in the air- know what I mean?" He motioned the movements on his chest. He took a quick pull from it before handing it back to Castiel. This time, Cas almost did it correctly, but the look on his face was disappointed confusion. "Still?"

"It's harder than it looks," Cas defended with a weak expression. "Is there another way to do this?"

Dean imagined taking the joint back from Cas and lighting it up between his lips. He imagined holding onto the back of Castiel's neck and bringing their lips less than an inch apart so he could gently blow the smoke between Cas's lips. He imagined feeling the air on his lips as Cas sucked in his smoke. He imagined the inevitable lick of Cas's lips, and how Cas's tongue might accidentally touch his own lips-

"Dean?" Cas's voice startled Dean out of his transfixion, and Dean inwardly shook the dream away. 

"Uh- um, maybe just-" Dean licked his lips hesitantly, refusing to look at Cas and somehow still glancing at his lips anyways. "Just, uh, try it again. Here, I'll light."

Dean pushed back his train of thought as Castiel had another go of it. Despite his reluctance, Cas took the joint between his lips and leaned close enough for Dean to shakingly- _with a steady hand, not shaky_ \- light the end of it for him. Cas inhaled the way Dean showed him, judging by the way his chest rose, and Dean let the flame die. Cas hissed with a tight face and handed the paper back to Dean as he held the smoke in his lungs for a few moments. Dean hit the joint with a small smile as he watched Cas blow the smoke out and awkwardly try to bat it away from his face.

"What?" Cas asked, noticing Dean's gaze.

Dean exhaled away from Cas with a dismissive shrug. "Nothing. That was good- I think you got it." Cas smiled like he was proud of himself, and they turned their attention to the movie. The boys passed the joint back and forth until it was gone, which neither of them remember finishing. Dean could feel the high finally come on, and he relaxed further into his place. Dean sighed contentedly. _This is nice._ He zoned out, letting himself get sucked into the movie.

After a long time spent in silence, it was Cas's small cough that pulled Dean from his partial-unconsciousness. Unaware of how much time passed, he hazily glanced around the room and noticed they'd already finished the pizza and two liter bottle of soda. Dean relaxed his head back against the bed and peeked at Cas from the corner of his eye.

Cas had his head leaned back all the way to the bed, while his arms loosely wrapped around the knees that were drawn up to his chest. The room was completely dark except for the faint light coming from the laptop. The lights danced across his features: the curves of his neck and Adam's apple, his sharp jaw and cheekbones, his half-lidded eyes made to look an even brighter blue than usual.

Dean's head was swimming, and he felt like he was moving fast and being still at the same time. Cas paid him no mind, though, completely unaware of Dean looking at him. Dean watched closely as Cas's tongue darted out and wet his chapped lips, mirroring the movement and licking his own lips unconsciously. The action left the faintest sheen of saliva on Cas's lips that reflected the light from the laptop, and Dean's eyes immediately fixed on them. Dean couldn't be bothered to care about how long he'd been staring at Cas, as the drug washed away any worries he’d had earlier.

"How do you know if you're high?" Cas mumbled, still looking at the screen lazily. His voice was scratchy and quiet after having been silent for so long, and brought Dean out of his fixation for the most part.

Dean cleared his throat as he thought of an answer. "Uh, I guess you just know. Like, everything feels like the opposite. You know you're sitting, but you feel like you're swimming. You know you have control over yourself, but you feel like your body has a mind of its own," he whispered, unconsciously growing quieter. "Y'know what I mean? I'm sitting here, and like... I _know_ I'm not moving, and I know I'm probably gonna sit here with my hands... Right here in my lap, but my body feels like it could just..." Dean's voice eventually stopped coming out completely, and he stared at Cas harder, wondering where his own sentence was going. Cas finally turned to look at him, and Dean's heart pounded in his ears, bringing his practically silent ramblings to a full stop. "What?"

Cas squinted at him for a second. "Were you talking?" The faintest of smiles played at the corners of Castiel's lips as he blinked slowly before turning back to the movie.

Dean didn't turn away, though, but found himself smiling weakly in return before it died down. Dean let his eyes trace over Castiel's profile deliberately. His dark brown hair was noticeably longer than when school started, and it was disheveled, curly where it landed at the nape of his neck- Dean couldn't see it at the moment, given the room's darkness, but he knew it was there. Cas hadn't shaved in two days, and the scruff of his jaw was darker than he usually kept it. Cas's tongue darted out again, leaving a fresh shine on his plump upper lip. Dean could feel a lump build in his throat, and he tried to swallow around it.

" _But you cannot control it. This is a dangerous time for you, when you will be tempted by the Dark Side of the Force_ ," he heard Obi-Wan advise. Unfortunately, he was too busy focusing on Cas to listen.

"Hey," Dean whispered to Cas before he knew what he was doing.

Cas turned his head, sedated expression still covering his face, and looked at Dean. Dean could see Cas's eyes faintly trace from his lips up to his eyes, and the loser in the back of his mind screamed. "Yeah?" he mumbled back. Cas licked his chapped lips one more time, and Dean's restraint broke.

Dean leaned in slowly, before he was totally aware of what he was doing. Cas didn't move away, but his wide eyes darted from Dean's eyes to his lips nervously. Dean suddenly became aware of the heaviness of his breaths, knowing Cas could probably feel them on his lips because he could feel Castiel's shaky breaths on his own.

They stayed an inch apart for what seemed like an eternity before Dean finally tilted his chin and closed the remaining distance. Cas's lips were stiff against his, and all signs pointed for him to stop, but Dean's an idiot, apparently. Dean slightly parted his lips before fitting them more comfortably with Cas's, wondering if he could learn the shape of Cas's upper lip this way. It wasn't until he made his lips a little more firm- just in case Cas _didn't_ know what was happening at the moment- that he felt Cas's lips soften ever so slightly. That stupid geek in the back of his mind screamed again, and Dean shakingly parted his lips again. Feeling Castiel's lips fall slightly apart in return, Dean tilted his chin into the kiss and hesitantly reached up to touch Cas's jaw as their lips finally connected in the best definition of a _kiss_.

Dean felt his lower lip graze Cas's bottom row of teeth, and Dean tilted his head to kiss Cas more confidently. Cas's lips tilted in return as he pulled his lips back only briefly before reconnecting with Dean's, their bodies slightly swaying with the movements. Dean could practically feel his skin vibrating as one of Cas's fingers hesitantly touched his forearm. Dean sighed into the kiss when he felt Cas's tongue touch his lips, immediately meeting it with his own. Cas made a soft moan and slid his hand up over the swell of Dean's forearm, holding on and kissing Dean like he _definitely_ knew what was happening. 

Cas shifted- or Dean shifted, he wasn't really sure who was who at the moment- and brought their bodies closer together until they were more comfortably facing each other. Cas brought both of his hands to Dean's sides and tugged him lightly until their abdomens bumped together. Dean moaned at the touch and used both of his hands to frame Cas's jaw as they kissed eagerly. He could feel blood rush to his groin, and he knew his sweat pants weren't going to be hiding anything.

Cas pushed his body forward until they were both on their knees, and he slid both of his hands under the hem of Dean's tee shirt and up his back. The lean, strong fingers of Cas's large hands felt so foreign compared to the dainty ones he was used to feeling on his skin. With a very light pull of Dean's lip between his teeth, Cas faintly dug his nails into Dean's back, sending shockwaves through Dean's nerves.

Dean pulled his mouth back and rested their foreheads together. Both of their eyes stayed closed while they caught their breath, neither of them able to move from their positions. Dean opened his eyes slowly and locked onto Castiel's no longer timid expression. Dean swallowed thickly, finding himself lost and not sure of what to do. "I'm not gay," he whispered for some reason- maybe to convince Castiel that this was totally just... normal straight dude-on-dude kissing.

Cas nodded almost imperceptibly. "Okay," he answered. As his eyes honed in on Dean's lips, he added "Me neither." Dean nodded in agreement. Still, they stayed pressed against each other from forehead to heaving chest, until one of Cas's fingers inched from its place on on Dean's back.

As if that somehow shattered what was left of Dean's resolve, Dean pounced back onto Cas and pressed their mouths together roughly. Cas practically mewled against him and dug his fingers deep into Dean's back. At the same time Cas's teeth found Dean's bottom lip, one of Castiel's hands moved to Dean's stomach as the other scratched down Dean's spine.

Dean shifted forward to lay Cas on his back and slipped one leg between Cas's thighs. Cas made another moan and slid his hands so that one was cupping Dean's ass and the other barred across Dean's back. Dean groaned and rocked his whole body up against Castiel's, pointedly sliding their clothed groins together. A moan fell from Cas's lips while they were parted and Dean quickly chased the sound with his own lips.

Using one hand to hold himself up on top of Cas, he used his other to explore the skin under Cas's shirt. As expected, Cas's stomach was flat and rigid with muscle. This wasn't the usual sensation he was used to when it came to sex, but for some reason, he felt like it turned him on even more. He splayed his fingers widely across Castiel's stomach and dug his fingertips in, pushing Cas's body down into an upward rock of his own body.

" _Uhn_ ," was the rewarding sound that fell from Cas's fallen open mouth and landed on Dean's jaw. Dean's eyes rolled back and willed that note to his memory. Dean reconnected their mouths quickly, moving his hand up Cas's chest and sliding over his pecs. Cas's mouth kept falling open with delicious noises as Dean's hips rocked at a particularly good angle, and Cas squeezed Dean's ass over his sweatpants firmly, pulling their hips even more tightly against each other.

It was Dean's turn to groan this time, rutting his hips quicker until their bodies were sliding so hard, the pillows under them were pushed away. Not daring to spend more than a moment away from Cas's lips, Dean hurriedly pushed the pillows across the floor and situated Cas's thighs on either side of his hips, bringing their whole bodies together and holding on with both hands. " _Cas_ ," Dean breathed heavily, bumping his forehead with Castiel's before kissing him again. With the sliding of Cas's cock against his thigh and the constant friction to his own erection, he could feel himself building closer to something more.

Learning that the rougher movements earned a bigger response from Castiel, he rubbed his thumb over the nipple and then slightly tugged on it with his thumb and index finger. "Oh, _fuck_ ," Cas gasped as his head fell back against the tile with a thud. Dean grinned wickedly down at him and began to suck marks over his jaw. He scratched down Cas's sides and into his hips, pulling them even closer- if at all possible- and digging into the meat of Cas's hips while he pushed and pulled their groins in a rhythm. He sucked on Cas's neck and pressed biting kisses into his skin, enjoying all of the ragged breaths and moans from Cas. " _Dean_ ," he moaned, fingers digging into the meat of Dean's back and the swell of his ass.

Dean kissed his mouth again, and Cas moved both of his hands underneath the waistband of Dean's boxers, digging his nails into the skin of his ass. Dean's hips faltered at the sensation. " _Shit_ , Cas!" Castiel grinned a smile Dean had never seen on those lips before, and he rotated his hips, rolling his ass against Dean's groin as he pulled Dean in tighter. "Jesus Christ," Dean breathed. To get him back, Dean twisted Castiel's nipple again and dug the nail of his other thumb into Cas's hip bone, eliciting a mewl from Cas's lips that he quickly chased with his own.

Dean was almost certain he was about to fucking lose it when there was a knock on the door. Both of the men froze immediately, Dean's face glued to the door in question and Cas's wide eyes fixed on him. They didn't move a muscle until the knocking sounded again.

"Oh _shit_ ," Cas cursed, pushing Dean off of him with both hands.

"Fuckfuckfuckfuck," Dean panicked under his breath. Neither of the boys looked at each other as they hurriedly scrambled apart. Cas scurried to his feet and into the bathroom, and locked the door behind him. Dean touched his lips hesitantly as he stood, his mind travelling a million miles per hour. The knocking came again, and Dean quickly wiped his face and tried to fix his clothes. "Just a minute!" He called out hoarsely. He looked down and realized his cock was still obviously- _and painfully_ \- hard. "Damnit," he muttered to himself. He walked over to the door and opened it, shielding his lower half behind the door and only showing his face and part of his torso.

Adam was standing in his pajama pants and zipped-up jacket, holding a spiral notebook in one hand. He wasn't looking when Dean opened the door, so he spoke while looking at the object in his hand. "Hey, you left this in class, and I guess I thought it was mine, so-" Adam was taken aback when his eyes finally landed on Dean. "Whoa, you look like…"

"I was sleeping," he lied shortly.

Adam grinned knowingly and shoved Dean's shoulder. "Sleeping my ass! You and Lisa made up?"

Dean rolled his eyes and lied, "Yep. All good. You need something else?" Adam shook his head and opened his mouth to speak again, but Dean grabbed the notebook and told him goodnight as he shut the door.

He leaned back against the wood panel and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. _What have I done? Seriously, what the_ fuck _did I just do?_ He pushed himself off of the door and tossed his notebook onto his desk. His mind retracing the events that led to this moment, Dean cleaned up the crime scene. He shut his laptop, set it aside, and retrieved his pillow from across the floor. Shivering with adrenaline, he took a few more deep breaths as he crawled into bed, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders and facing the wall.

After what could have been five minutes, ten minutes, or half an hour, he heard Castiel finally come out of the bathroom and rustle around in his bed. The room was painfully silent, but both men lay in their respective beds, too afraid to move and disturb the silence. Neither of them could fall asleep until the new day was practically dawning.


	4. September 12, 2013

To say Castiel was freaking out would be an understatement. His mind was racing a mile a minute, and it didn't help that he didn't get any sleep whatsoever. How could he possibly sleep after what happened?

Sneaking a quick glance over his shoulder to the alarm clock, he noticed it was a quarter 'til five. There was no use in pretending to sleep for three more hours when all he wanted to do was get out of the same room as Dean. He quietly slinked out of bed and pulled out one of his few pairs of gym shorts. After quickly changing in the bathroom and slipping on an old hoodie, he snuck out the door. Though he was fuller of nerves than he was of energy, he bounded down the stairs and out the dormitory main doors. The crisp autumn air smacked him like a freight train, but it was fresh and exactly what he needed. He finally took a long, deep breath and shook the nerves out of his limbs.

As he stretched, he observed his surroundings. It was mostly dark out, but the first rays of sunlight were shyly peeking out from the horizon. Aside from a runner and a single car that drove by, he was completely alone in the world. He sighed, grateful that he could have some solidarity and room to think on his own. Cas bounced on his toes in place and shook out the last of the stiffness in his bones before taking off on his jog. The cold wind stung his nose at first, but a numbing sensation bloomed and he tried to ignore it.

When he was younger and had more energy at his disposal, he would run out his frustration- and with all of his frustration, it's no surprise he always stayed lean. Now, college had consumed the large majority of his entire existence. He was taking _so_ many classes, working most days, and had enough homework to last for hours on end. _Still, I can't blame school for what happened last night._ He inhaled sharply through his nose and let it out of his mouth. Last night was the real reason why he was outside, running for the first time in months and trying to escape his thoughts.

Cas wasn't even entirely sure why he'd been so willing to do the things he'd done lately.  Cas never really had any desire to try drugs- he wasn't against them, but he never cared enough to try. The same could be said for partying; he didn't necessarily dislike it, but it definitely wasn't one of his regular activities. He mostly just didn't want to let Dean down, so he tried his best to immerse himself into the activity and have a good time. And when Dean asked him to trust him, he did- Cas didn't even have to think twice about that. The last thing Castiel wanted to do was disappoint him because Dean worked hard to improve himself for Cas's sake; he wasn't ignorant enough to miss that. Cas figured that if Dean was willing to make an effort to improve academically, Cas could handle taking more chances socially and relax a little.

 _But last night… was surprising on many levels._ Dean had never given him any reason to think he was gay, or even bisexual. Not really, anyways. Sure, he made casual remarks that Cas was attractive- probably just to reassure him or make him feel better. And granted, Dean sometimes honed in on Cas's lips instead of looking at him in the eyes like he did to most other people. Cas was still sure Dean wasn't gay, and Cas was _positive_ he'd never given Dean any reason to think he was either. So why did Dean kiss him? _And why didn't I try to stop him?_

Maybe it was because he was high. That happens, right? When someone gets high for the first time, surely their inhibitions are lowered. Why else would Cas be okay with Dean kissing him? Why else would Cas be okay with Dean touching him? Why else would Cas be okay with kissing Dean back and rutting their bodies together? With... Running his hands over Dean's skin and feeling Dean's hands paw at him... Dean manhandling him and pushing Cas's body down to meet every upward push of his hips... With-

Cas suddenly became very aware of how fast he was running and practically ran right into a bench on the sidewalk. Cas stopped running and braced himself on the back of the seat, closing his eyes and trying to steady his breathing and his rapidly pounding heartbeat. From the angle of his body hunched over, he  _also_ became very aware of his own half-hardness. Cas inwardly scorned himself and pushed himself off the bench. He slowly turned in circles and rubbed his hands over his eyes.  _What is happening to me?_

Cas shook the thought away and rested his hands on top of his head. After taking a few deep breaths, Cas turned around and trudged his way back in the direction of his dorm. Obviously, he was in no hurry to get back to his room- or his roommate, for that matter. When he finally did get back to the room, he crept inside to avoid waking Dean up. Thankfully, Dean was still in his bed facing the wall and remained still. Cas took a deep breath before quickly finding a change of clothes and taking a shower. By the time he was done, it was hardly even close to 7 am. Though Dean still hadn't moved or spoken, Cas still felt like he was suffocating in the room, so he gathered his things and left as quickly as he could.

 

**& &**

****

Dean had been in a weird semi-conscious type of sleep all night and was easily awoken when he heard Cas leaving the room, returning to get ready, and leaving again. He didn't move or speak, barely daring to breathe loudly in fear that it would shatter whatever glass they were tiptoeing on. By the time 8 am finally rolled around, Dean was sure he'd studied and learned every single detail of the square footage of wall in front of him. After a drawn-out debate in his head, he decided to try to make this day as normal as he could.

He mostly slept through his 10 o'clock History lecture, for which Gordon offered to let him copy the notes. Dean didn't care- he didn't have the energy to care. All he could fucking do was sit there and mope like a loser, worrying about how he definitely just ruined the best friendship he had going on in his life. Dean really wished he could punch himself without causing a scene or becoming the school's Tyler Durden.  _I am Jack's insatiable desire to fuck up every single thing he touches._ Dean chuckled humorlessly to himself.

 _God, why do I always fuck everything up? I can't just leave good things alone._ Dean mentally scorned himself as his Art Theory lesson began. Different pieces of art flashed on the projection screen, and his professor was discussing them with a few students. Naturally, Dean wasn't paying any attention in the slightest. His mind was preoccupied with playing last night on a never-ending loop, replaying over _and over and over, again and again-_ just to drive him to the brink of insanity.

He could blame his behavior on the drugs- _Ash probably gave me some weird sort of marijuana strain that makes you horny. That asshole._ He could even blame it on his frustration with Lisa, but he knew there was an actual reason why he'd kissed Castiel. The only thing he could honestly blame was himself.

Thinking of his friend made him feel even worse. Cas wasn't gay; Dean had never assumed he was- because Cas had never given him a reason to think that- so why did he not push Dean off? Why didn't he at least make an effort to stop Dean's advances? _Maybe he was just being polite._ Dean rolled his eyes at his own thought. _Nobody is polite enough to make out and dry hump on the floor just for the sake of not being rude._ And who was he kidding? Cas might not have instigated the kiss, but he certainly _felt_ like he was interested.

Castiel's lips felt like Dean had always suspected they would: slightly rough but soft enough to make up for it. Dean had never experienced a wave of relief wash over him quite like the moment he could feel Cas's lips soften against his own; he'd never experienced the rush of adrenaline that coursed through his system like he felt when Cas actually kissed him back with enthusiasm. Every second his lips were touching Cas's, he could swear every nerve in his entire body became raw and exposed, leaving him way too sensitive to the touch. It was easy to lose himself in the heat of their bodies, in the friction of their movements. It was all too much, made only more overwhelming by the sounds Castiel was making.

Dean felt his throat getting dry at the thought and licked his lips. He wanted to stop thinking about it- _needed_ to stop thinking about it- but the stupid fucking loop just wouldn't stop. He could still practically feel the pleasurable sting of nails to his back, could still remember the lustful moan of his name. " _Dean_." He closed his eyes. _Cas_. The voice came to him louder, " _Dean_." He fought back a sigh and bit his lip.

"Dean!" A female voice hissed in his ear. His eyes shot open, and he looked around expectantly. The room was mostly silent, and a few students were looking at him- as was his professor. Ruby slapped him in the head and pointed at the professor.

"Mr. Winchester, would you like to answer the question?" Professor Darrow questioned patronizingly.

Dean shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. "What, uh..." Dean licked his lips to try and regain some moisture in his mouth. "What was the question?" A few students chuckled and the professor rolled his eyes. He used a laser pointer to direct Dean's attention to some painting with lots of weird looking people all over the place and some other nonsense going on.

"Can you tell us what Peter Paul Rubens was trying to portray in this piece?"

Dean studied the painting for a few moments to no avail. "Well, uh, maybe he was just, like…" He cleared his throat again under the pressure. "Well, there's the light and then the dark... And then there's the people..." He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat again. "And there's people _in_ the light… and the dark…" he stumbled out, losing confidence with every word.

A couple more students giggled, and Dean glared at them as he lowered in his seat. Professor Darrow gave him an unamused look. "Maybe next time you should reconsider studying your eyelids and make better use of your time by studying your lessons," he advised. Dean forced a nod and an uncomfortable smile. The teacher moved on and asked someone near the front for the correct answer. Dean slipped lower in his seat and rubbed a hand over his face.  _Get a grip, Winchester._

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ruby whispered into his ear from over his shoulder.

Dean hesitated before replying with a simple "It's complicated."

"Well, get over it and pay attention. Seriously, this biblical stuff is the easiest part of the entire class," she quipped. He shot her an annoyed look and turned back to the front of the room. Ruby waited a few moments before adding, "I know your boyfriend would be pretty disappointed in you if you failed."

Dean opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't think of a comeback, so he shot her a menacing glare. "He's not my boyfriend," he mumbled. She gave him a sarcastic nod and wink. Dean grumbled as he lowered in his seat. He was really going to have to get new friends soon.

****

**& &**

 

The surprise test in French Literature caused a lot of dismay amongst the students, but none so much as Castiel. He was exhausted from the lack of sleep, his muscles were starting to ache, and his head was way too busy with other things to focus on something as ridiculous as literature. He was having a crisis, for God's sake- the _last_ thing he needed was to take a test for which he had no warning, and consequently hadn't studied. _Of course_ \- because his life wasn't perfect enough- that was exactly what happened.

Before he dismissed class, the professor announced the tests would be graded in an hour and should be picked up at that time. Cas yawned and took his time leaving class. He had an hour and a half before his next class, and he wanted nothing more than to go back to his room and get some much-needed sleep. Life, as to be expected, had other plans. Before he could start heading in the direction of the dormitory, he was stopped by Charlie.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked as she stood in front of him, blocking his way.

Cas sighed. "I'm just really tired." He tried to move around her, but she moved accordingly to keep him trapped.

"Let's go get some coffee, then. We can talk about it." She tugged on his arm, and he followed helplessly. There really was no use in ever trying to tell Charlie no.

"There's nothing to talk about. I just didn't sleep last night," he grumbled as they walked up to the coffee stand nearest their building.

"I'm not an idiot, Cas," she offered. Charlie turned her attention to the cashier. "Two large coffees, please. One with three shots of espresso."

"Three shots? Are you trying to kill me?" The question was rhetorical, but Castiel was beginning to have his suspicions.

Charlie smiled at him and paid the cashier. "You _said_ you were tired. This should do the trick." He muttered a thanks. "Maybe the caffeine is all you need to get you talking."

"I already told you there was nothing to talk about," Cas mumbled as he took a sip from his cup. Charlie rolled her eyes as she added cream and sugar to her cup. They walked over to a large tree and sat underneath it, Cas with his back resting against it and Charlie in front of him.

"Is it Meg? She said you stopped by last night."

Cas let out a weak sigh. "You're really going to make me talk, aren't you?" She grinned and nodded eagerly. "It's not really her. I mean, I stopped by for a minute, but she was a little…   _preoccupied_."

"I'm guessing she was naked with at least one other person in the room?"

Cas squinted at her suspiciously. "How did you know?"

"I'm psychic, obviously," she said like it really _was_ obvious. Charlie laughed and waved her hand dismissively. "I've walked in on her before."

"That makes more sense."

Charlie shrugged. "Okay, so what happened?"

Castiel took a sip from his cup and frowned. "Nothing... I just broke things off with her and left."

"So it's not Meg..." Charlie seemed to be trying to put a puzzle together in her head. "What about Dean?"

Cas was in the middle of taking a drink from his coffee and snorted it up gracelessly. He coughed a few times and tried to wipe the coffee from his face. Charlie watched him, amused but her question unwavering. "What _about_ Dean?" Cas tried to ask passively.

"Well, you said you two were supposed to have a _guys' night_ or whatever." Charlie paused and peered at him, waiting for a response. "How did that go?"

"It didn't," he offered.

She looked at him skeptically. "What do you mean _it didn't_?"

"I had forgotten about a project and had to work on that," Castiel lied.

"Was he upset that you bailed on him?"

"No. Charlie, nothing is wrong. Nothing happened, alright?" The espresso was making him jittery, and his reply came out snappier than he intended. Thankfully, she didn't take offense to it, just nodding in acceptance of his answer.

Charlie tried to change the subject to something about class, but Cas's mind started wandering back to Dean. _Why did she have to bring him up? Can she tell? I must have it written all over my face. "Castiel Novak made out with Dean Winchester last night" is written in neon letters on my face._ He wiped at his forehead subconsciously. Just in case.

She must have been able to detect his bemusement and stopped talking to study him. "Cas, you're sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied again. He wanted to talk about it, and he trusted Charlie, but he really didn't want anyone to know. He tried to put the words together before he spilled completely. "I'm just thinking about a dilemma my friend Curtis is having."

"Curtis?" she asked suspiciously.

"Curtis, yes."

"Since when do you have a friend named Curtis?"

Cas shook his head with frustration. "I have friends, Charlie," he griped. Charlie nodded slowly and he continued. "So, Curtis is straight- or at least, he'd never considered the possibility of being with a guy before-" Castiel stopped rambling and mentally scorned himself for getting off topic. "One night, he and his other friend became under the influence-" Charlie squinted at him. "They smoked pot." Charlie motioned for him to continue. "Anyways, so one thing led to another, and Curtis' friend kissed him. His friend is straight, so it confused him a lot. Curtis told me they weren't even talking anymore because he doesn't know what to do. I... I guess they're both really freaked out about what happened. He asked me for advice, and I don't know what to tell him."

Charlie nodded and remained silent, but studied his face thoroughly. He squirmed under the scrutiny and took a sip from his coffee, trying to appear nonchalant. "Well, I'm thinking it was either just the drugs or maybe his friend isn't as straight as they think he is. Did Curtis kiss him back?"

 _That is a trick question. She’s trying to throw me off._ "I don't know... He didn't tell me."

She peered at him skeptically again. "Why wouldn't he tell you that? It seems kind of vital to the topic."

"Curtis is straight- was straight- or-" Cas winced. "He probably just didn't want it to seem like he wasn't. I mean, I've never- he never-" Cas sighed and rubbed his face, trying to slow down his mind. "He never told me," Cas enunciated slowly. "-If he's even been attracted to another guy before, so to my knowledge, he is straight." Cas said each word deliberately so as to not get ahead of himself again. He swallowed thickly before adding. "Maybe this was his first experience with... something like this."

"Still, I feel like his participation in the whole thing is important." Cas opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. She nodded, seemingly accepting the answer anyways. "Okay, well, here's what I think: Curtis’ friend is either really handsy when he's inebriated or he might be harboring some feelings or attraction to Curtis. And if Curtis didn't kiss him back and just dismissed it, I think they just need to talk it over and have Curtis tell his friend that he doesn't feel the same way. But if Curtis _did_ kiss him back, I think they need to have a completely different discussion."

Cas nodded, mulling her advice over. "But guys are different. Guys like D-" Cas choked on the word and shook his head. "Like _Curtis' friend_ don't like talking about their feelings; admitting to even being attracted to another man would be a whole other thing. I think if they just don't talk about it, it will eventually blow over and everything will go back to normal. I mean, Curtis even told me he's never thought of his friend that way- the friend definitely isn't unattractive, but the idea never really _occurred_ to Curtis," Cas babbled on, staring at his hands as he talked. "So maybe it was just a one-time thing and there were no feelings involved to begin with?" The coffee was making him especially nervous, and his words came out quicker than he intended.

Charlie smiled inwardly and nodded. "I just know what I would do. You tell Curtis whatever you think is best suited for their _situation_." She winked at him. Before he could reply, she stood up and threw away her empty cup. "Come on, our tests should be posted soon."

When they made their way back to the classroom, a group of students were already there and comparing grades. Cas took a deep breath before looking at his grade, feeling the sense of doom swirling in his gut. He saw Charlie had made a 94%, and she demanded to see his. He finally looked at the grade, and it almost knocked the wind out of him.

" _54_?" he exclaimed incredulously.

"What? You're kidding!" She snatched his paper from him and looked for herself. Cas stood, unable to move, and tried to steady his heartbeat.

"Damn, Africa, what happened?" Kevin Tran asked playfully.

"I'm not sure what happened. Why are you calling me 'Africa'?" Cas questioned him with a curious stare.

" _Mean Girls?_ " Kevin explained. Cas squinted at him, and Kevin shook his head for Cas to disregard the reference. "Nevermind. Just... If you need help, text me or something," Kevin offered.

Cas nodded, not really intending on taking up his offer. Castiel knew exactly why he'd failed that test- and it had nothing to do with not being intelligent. He just didn't know why life kept insisting on beating him to death with new ways to stress him out.

 

**& &**

 

Dean headed back to the dorm after his last class, determined to talk to Cas about what happened. He knew Castiel's classes ended sometime around 3 pm, and he usually came back to the room before doing whatever else he had to do.

When Dean entered the room, Cas still wasn't back. He let himself breathe and slowly paced the floor; he still hadn't even thought about what he wanted to say. He wasn't one for sharing or expressing feelings- _Feelings? There aren't even any feelings. What the fuck am I thinking about?_ \- but he knew Cas deserved an explanation, at least. Is _there an explanation? I'm_ not _gay, so it's not like I'm warm for his form, or anything..._

He searched for possible reasons to explain why he'd kissed Cas- none of which were very accurate, but he decided to go with the "I was just frustrated with Lisa, and you were right there, and the drugs made me not think clearly" excuse. He just had to explain to Cas that he was straight, it was a fluke, and it wouldn't happen again. Dean really wanted their friendship to go back to normal. He would hate to lose Cas just because Dean couldn't keep it in his pants. Dean was sure that eventually he'll be able to stop sexualizing Cas in his mind, and he'll be able to forget just how _fucking amazing_ he felt underneath him.

Just when his thoughts were about to get away from him, Dean heard the door open and turned around expectantly. Cas stood frozen in the doorway, his wide eyes stuck to Dean. Dean tried to clear his throat, and Cas immediately started looking everywhere but him.

"Cas-" he started.

Castiel flinched in panic. "I'm going to the library," he said, the words spilling out of him quickly. Just as quick as his words, Cas turned around and shot right out the door.

Dean tried to follow him- or, he meant to follow him, anyways- but his legs didn't cooperate. "Cas-!" Dean stopped when the door shut completely. He sighed and kicked the foot of his bed. "Son of a bitch," he mumbled. _I'll try again tonight after work. He has to come back sometime._  

Five hours later, when Dean got home from work, Cas _still_ wasn't in the room. Dean let out a disappointed sigh, shrugging off his jacket and throwing it on his desk. He took a shower and got into bed, too exhausted to do anything else besides sleep. He wrapped himself in the blankets and fell asleep facing Cas's bed so that he could talk to him when Cas inevitably came back.

When he heard the door open and shut, Dean woke up and looked at the clock. Cas was just getting home at 10:45. _God, I really fucked up._ Dean watched silently as Cas put his stuff away and went into the bathroom. Castiel never even so much as looked in the direction of Dean's bed before settling into his own. He pulled the blankets over his shoulders and laid down with his back to Dean.

Dean closed his eyes and took a breath before trying to speak. "Cas," he whispered. He wanted to wait for Castiel to reply before he would continue. When no reply came, he sat up on his elbow and cleared his throat. Still, the blanketed lump in the neighboring bed didn't budge. "Please, Cas, I-"

"Goodnight, Dean." Cas’s reply was quiet and dismissive, subsiding the conversation. Dean could tell Cas's words didn't have malicious intent, so he settled back into his bed, accepting Cas's decision to not discuss anything further.

Dean needed to fix this as soon as possible, but he was willing to give his friend time. He wanted his friend back, but he knew his actions probably caused a lot of problems for Cas; hell, Dean had a lot of crap he needed to think about, too. _I am_ not _gay... So why do I want him so badly?_   Dean pushed the thought away with a sigh. "Goodnight, Cas."


	5. September 13, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for brief Dean/Lisa (kissing) with mildly dubcon vibes

When Dean woke up the next morning, Cas was already gone. He huffed and rolled his eyes. _This son of a bitch is going to be the death of me._ Dean slid out of bed and got ready in his usual morning daze. He could already tell this day was going to suck. _I need grease. A nice big plate of food will fix everything._

On his way down to the lunch hall, he stared at his phone with Cas's number highlighted. Dean mulled the idea of texting him over and over in his head. He hesitantly typed out _"Cas, please talk to me."_ His finger grazed over the send button for a minute or two. _What the hell am I doing? Get your shit together, Winchester!_ Dean nodded to himself and snapped his phone shut resolutely. He was so distracted by his phone, he accidentally ran right into someone.

"Hey, man, watch where you're going." He looked up to apologize when he recognized the light brown mullet and plaid shirt with cut-off sleeves. On the surface, Ash was just a laid-back, drug-dealing Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie lookalike, but to anyone that knew him, he was a genius by any means of the word. He was usually one of Dean's favorite people to be around, but right now he was just the guy who sold him dick-betraying weed.

"Don't you _'man'_ me, man," Dean snapped. Ash raised his hands defensively. "Just... What the hell, man?"

Ash looked at him like he was crazy. "Whoa whoa whoa there, buddy, hold on." When Dean made a face that implied calmness, Ash continued. "Where's the beef?"

"You sold me a bad bag! It was laced with, like, ecstasy or something."

Ash tried to hold back a laugh. "No, I didn't." Dean opened his mouth to object, but Ash put his hands up innocently. "I swear. Why? What happened?"

Dean sighed and ran a hand over his mouth. 'Uh, I don't know. I..." He wanted to get some insight, but he definitely wasn't about to let everyone know just with whom he was having problems. "Can I ask you something?" Ash nodded. "Say you have this friend, right? And you don't really _like_ them that way- like, they're... y'know, attractive or whatever, but it's just not _like that,_ you know? And-"

"Did you try somethin' with Jo?" The smaller man interrogated suddenly. "Because she's spoken for now."

"What? Dude, no. And she's never needed to be spoken for." Ash nodded, satisfied with the answer. " _Anyways_ , just, like, out of nowhere, you kiss them. And, thinking back, they don't like you in that way either, but they kiss you back. And then it turns to full-on making out and groping and just... Why wouldn't they push you off, right?" Dean didn't realize how fast he was babbling until Ash stopped him.

"Okay, I am really high and you're talking really fast." _Naturally._ "Here's what I'm getting from you: you macked with a good friend that you don't see in a romantic manner- and that doesn't see you that way either- that sound right?"

"Yeah. But-"

Ash put his hand back up. "Not finished." Dean shut his mouth. "Alright, so did you two talk it out and see if there actually _is_ more there?"

"No. H- _She_ won't talk to me." _Nailed it._

"Well if she didn't push you away, maybe she does like you-" Dean panicked at the thought. "Or she's just really horny- _like you, dude_ ; and she just needs some of that sweet lovin'."

Dean looked at him suspiciously. _I never even considered that. I mean, that's why I was suddenly okay with kissing anyone within a mile's radius, right? Of course. Wow. Cas is a horndog, too._ He laughed inwardly before realizing how stupid his thought was and shaking it out of his head. "Yeah... Yeah, you're right. Sorry for running into you… and for accusing you of selling me bad weed. Thanks, man."

Ash smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "Not a problem." Ash then pointed a finger warningly at Dean, still holding onto his shoulder with the other hand. "Keep your friend-molesting hands off of Jo. Dig?"

Dean gave him a forced smile. "Yeah, I gotcha, Dr. Badass."

His friend's smile spread into an ear-to-ear grin. "You remembered!" Dean laughed and excused himself to go to breakfast. _Cas isn't just some breathing encyclopedia, after all. He's as horny as I am._ Dean nodded to himself briefly. _…And now I can't stop thinking about Cas having sex. Great._  Dean decided he needed to see Lisa again after class before he exploded.

 

**& &**

 

Castiel was trying really hard to focus in class, he really was, but Chuck's incessant babbling was making it difficult. Sure, it was at a hushed level, but it just _wouldn't stop_. Castiel pushed through it and kept his eyes either on the projection screen or his notes.

"And to make it worse, I think I have writer's block. I'm at the part in my story where Sean and Dan are hunting and Sean gets electrocuted so badly, he gets heart damage." Chuck paused- probably waiting for input Cas didn't give. "Okay, so the doctors are telling him he only has a few months left, but he _can't_ die- I don't know why I wrote myself into this corner." Cas squinted at a word he couldn't quite make out on the projection. "What do you think about Dan trying to find some spiritual healer, and he heals him, but it turns out that Reapers are killing _other people_ to give life back to the dying ones?"

Cas kept scribbling down notes, long past ignoring Chuck. The smaller man looked at Castiel expectantly and waited for a reply. When he didn't get one, he sighed like he was incredibly put-upon by Castiel's lack of participation. "Castiel?"

"Huh?" He didn't look away from his notes and the PowerPoint on the projection screen.

"I said what do you think about Dan-"

"Yes, it's a great idea," he said dismissively.

"You weren't even listening, were you?"

Cas finally looked at Chuck, who had his arms crossed. " _Please_. I am trying to focus. Can't we talk about this at work or something? I feel like I'm drowning in all of this schoolwork, and I really need to get this." Chuck's expression softened and he nodded understandingly. "Thank you. I will be more than happy to listen to your musings when we're not in class."

Two hours later, he was doing just that. Chuck had continued his thought at practically the same place he left off earlier.

"-back to the dying ones? Does that sound good?" Chuck asked. Castiel was making a mocha frappuccino for an order Charlie took while Chuck stood by him, shuffling awkwardly to shift out of his way.

"It actually does. But- hold on." He turned the blender for a few seconds before pouring the contents into a cup and handing it to Charlie. "Why would the Reaper work for the preacher? That doesn't make any sense. Aren't Reapers, um- Death's 'worker bees,' as you called them?" Cas moved back to the counter and had to clean behind Chuck- who moved around clumsily again, mumbling his apologies.

"Yeah, I guess I didn't think of that," he said.

Done with taking orders, Charlie turned around and joined the conversation. "Hey- didn't you say Reapers could be 'bound' or whatever you called it?" Chuck nodded. "Why don't you just have them find out that the old dude had the Reaper under a binding spell?" Charlie suggested. Chuck mulled the idea over. Before he could reply, Charlie lit up with another idea. "Or- _or_ his _wife_ is the one that was doing the spell because she didn't want to lose her dying husband?"

“That’s even better," Cas noted with a nod. “Deep.” Charlie tipped her head, accepting the compliment.

She looked over at Chuck who was still visibly thinking the idea over. "What do you think, _Mr. Carver Edlund_?" she added sarcastically.

"That's actually a really good idea," he mentioned as he reached for a napkin. He pulled the pen from his smock and scribbled something down. After shoving the napkin in his pocket, he thanked them and went about some other business.

Turning her attention to Castiel, Charlie asked, "So, did you talk to _Curtis_ about what I said?"

Cas felt the heat rise in his chest, but he kept his poker face. "I did. He said thank you, but he's going to try to ignore the problem. He's... stubborn."

Charlie gave him a suspicious once-over before dismissing it. "Alright, well, when things go wrong, I'm not going to be here to give you advice to give to him," she said.

_How could things possibly go more wrong than they already have?_

**& &**

 

When Dean finished his last class, he immediately dialed Lisa's number. It only rang once before she answered. He grinned. _Gotta love easy chicks._

"Dean! Have you called to apologize and beg for my forgiveness?" Lisa teased. 

He rolled his eyes and ignored her question. Using his best charming voice, asked, "What are you doing right now?"

She giggled. "Mm, well I'm on my way back to my place."

"Is that an open invitation?" He inserted flirtatiously.

"This early? Wow, Dean, it's-"

"Is that a yes?" Dean interrupted.

Lisa laughed lightly. "You must _really_ want to see me." Dean wished he was in a better mood to deal with her. Lisa didn't deserve the amount of times Dean had rolled his eyes during their short conversation, but man... He just couldn't help it. "Yeah, come on over."

"See you in a minute," Dean said as he hung up.

He walked at a brisk pace, eager to get his mind off of Cas. He should probably feel guilty for using Lisa like this, but he just couldn't find it in him to care right now. He had a dilemma, and Lisa wasn't exactly pushing him away. _So, why should I feel guilty? If she didn't want me, she wouldn't let me come over._ When Dean arrived at her apartment and knocked on the door, he leaned against the door frame. She opened the door with a friendly smile, and Dean's mouth widened into a bright grin.

"Hey-" Dean pounced forward and kissed her before she could finish her greeting. He put his hands in her hair and moved so they were further in the room, kicking the door shut behind them. She mewled and he bit her lip, silently hoping she would stop making it hard to imagine over her voice. He put his hands on her waist and the tops of his fingers under her shirt. She giggled a little. "Dean-" 

He pressed his lips to hers harder. "Shh," he cooed. He lifted her shirt off and grabbed her hips roughly, placing her on the edge of the desk. She kept making muffled noises, so Dean tried to imagine a different voice in his head. He could almost hear the gravelly voice and ragged breathing. He pressed into Lisa more firmly, one hand on her small of her back, and with a failed attempt to tug her closer, accidentally pushed the back of her head into the top shelf of the desk.

Lisa made an uncomfortable moan and brought her lips off of Dean's. "Ow," Lisa panted breathily with a tiny wince. They both blew past it, and she sighed with a small smile. "What's gotten into you?" He began to suck and nip at her neck as he dug both hands on her thighs and brought their hips closer together. He ignored her question and started grinding his hips, seeking for that firmness- that reciprocated feeling he wanted so desperately to feel. "Dean," she whispered softly. He pretended to hear the other voice, deep and rough.  _"Dean." That's more like it._

Her hands rested on his back gently, small and soft. What Dean wanted was powerful, urging hands digging into his shoulders and his back. He wanted to feel long fingers not afraid to grope him, push and pull and tug on his skin while they rutted together. He groaned at the image and sealed their lips together again. He dug his nails into her hips and bit at her bottom lip, wishing to hear the broken moan he had gotten in return for rough touches the other night.

" _Dean_ ," she started, her tone turning questioning. Instead of listening to her, he replayed the other voice whispering his name. The other voice, the other body- _Cas_. When he admitted the name to himself, he moaned. _Cas_ is the one he wanted to make scream his name. Cas's hands were the ones he wanted gripping him tightly. His mind flashed to the thought from earlier. _Cas is just as desperately horny as I am._ He pulled her legs around him suddenly and she banged her head again.

" _Ah_ , Dean, hold on," she interrupted. Dean immediately pulled away and rubbed his thumb to his forehead. _I can't do this. This isn't what I want._  He started pacing. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._ Lisa got down and approached him cUruguay. "Dean? What's wrong?"

He stopped moving and looked at her. She looked more debauched than he'd ever seen her, which was saying something given the fact that debauchery was one of his specialties. "I'm sorry, Lisa," he offered with a soft sigh.

"What's gotten into you? You've never been that rough." She put her shirt back on. Flatly, she added, "You know I don't like that."

 _What's_ _gotten into me?_ He laughed to himself humorlessly, wishing he knew the answer. "I know; I'm sorry." Dean rubbed a tired hand over his face and put the other on his hip.

She studied him for a few moments before speaking. "Just tell me what's wrong, Dean."

 _I can't do this anymore._ He took a deep breath before admitting it out loud. "I just... I can't do this anymore, Lis'."

She bit her lip and looked down, nodding. "I know," she whispered, barely audible.

"You know?" He found himself asking urgently. _What does she know?_

She nodded again and looked back up. "There's someone else. You-" Lisa shook her head and smiled sadly to herself. "And now you're stuck in whatever mode you're in when you're with her. The way you looked at me, touched me- it wasn't the same at all."

He sighed. "I’m really sorry, Lisa."

"Dean, stop apologizing. It's okay, really. I know I expected too much from you, and I should've guessed that you'd find someone who was better suited for what you're looking for."

"So we're-?" She nodded. "And you're sure you're-?"

She gave him a bittersweet smile. "Dean, no offense, but if you don't walk out that door, I'm going to shoot you."

He gave her a feeble smile and hugged her. "Thank you," he mumbled before giving the side of her head a quick kiss.

When she opened the door for him, she stopped him for a moment. "Dean..." He looked down at her expectantly, and Lisa gave him a soft look. "Just- make sure she knows what you're looking for. Set some clear guidelines." He nodded and exchanged a brief wave with her as he left. Dean knew exactly what he wanted, but had no idea how he was supposed to get it- or why he wanted him in the first place.

 

**& &**

 

Castiel made the decision to be in the room when Dean was expected to be coming back. Dean might not deserve the cold shoulder treatment Castiel was giving him, but Cas had no intention of bringing the conflict to light. Cas was going to sit here and do his homework, and hopefully not have to talk at all- at the very least, they could talk about something else. _"_ _Hello, Dean. Yes, I do find myself concerned with the current events in Syria. I'm afraid Syria's hesitation towards developing a peace treaty and disposing of their weapons will lead to an unnecessary military strike. Yes, that would cause global upset. You're very right, Dean, that wouldn't be good for anyone."_

Cas hoped that Dean would accept his unspoken wish and never bring that night up ever again. Then, all will be forgotten and they could get on with their lives.

The room was colder than usual, so he slipped on his most worn-in hoodie and sat on his bed, bringing his full backpack to rest beside him. He picked up his glasses from the edge of the desk and put them on so he could start his homework. All was going well for an hour until Dean came back.

When the door opened, he immediately felt himself stiffen. Cas refused to take his eyes off of his textbook when Dean walked into the room.

 _I_ _f a(x)=3x+2, find a(x 3-2x2+4x-7)._

In the back of his head, he knew this was probably the easiest thing in the world, but for the life of him, Cas just could not get the numbers to sit still. 

_If a(x)=3x+2_

"Hey," Dean greeted after an awkward silence.

Cas flinched inwardly. _Damn you, Dean Winchester._ He kept his eyes fixed on his paper as he tried to seem busy. "Hello, Dean."

He could sense when Dean pursed his lips and nodded, trying to seem casual- the expression was something Cas was beyond used to seeing. Castiel tried to write the problem down on his homework sheet, but he kept feeling like he was messing up and erased the whole thing multiple times. Dean let out a long sigh and flopped down on his bed, grabbing his hacky sack from his desk and tossing it in the air above him. Dean made a few more noises and clicked his tongue. Even the rhythmic  _shck-shck-shck_ noise from the hacky sack being tossed in the air was eating at Castiel's nerves. Dean pushed air past his lips in some crude noise, and Cas was about to explode if he didn't shut up. Another exaggerated sigh.

" _Dean_ ," he growled warningly.

Dean looked over and cut him off. "Lisa dumped me," he said.

Cas furrowed his brow and looked back at his book. "I'm sorry," he said. Another awkward silence swept over the room. Without looking back, he added, "I thought you said it was casual."

"It was, but she wasn't really down with that, so she ended up calling it off." Cas nodded wordlessly in response. Dean stayed quiet, but Castiel could practically _feel_  the gears in his mind working. When he finally decided to talk again, he said, "I just wish everyone could just have sex and not care about feelings or commitment or whatever. Y'know? Just sex." Cas felt his face get heated, but he tried to ignore it. Cas nodded and gripped his pencil tighter.

 _If a(x)=_  

"We could, you know."

Cas whipped his face to Dean's so fast, he felt a joint crack. The grip on his pencil was making his whole hands shake. Surely, he must’ve misunderstood him. “What?”

Dean looked over nonchalantly. "We could have sex."

 _Snap._ Cas broke his pencil in half, sharp pieces sticking into his palm, but he just clenched harder. His face was probably as red as the beanbag in Dean's hand, and he felt like his skin was scorching. " _What?_ " he repeated louder.

Dean sat up and looked him dead in the eye. _I'm going to die. I am literally going to have a heart attack and die._ "You-" He pointed at Cas. "-and I-" He pointed back at himself before enunciating "could have sex."

"I know _what_ you said," Cas replied slowly. "I do not know _why_ you said it. Dean, I'm not-"

Dean stood up and walked over to his bed, more excited. "You're not gay, I know." Cas backed himself up as far as he could into the corner with his knees to his chest and his book in his drawn-up lap. "Neither am I. Listen- just hear me out, okay?" Dean was sitting on his bed and right in his face, looking like he just escaped from a psychiatric facility. 

Cas started mumbling uncontrollably about _What did you tell me about personal space? Oh my God. I've never been with a guy. What? You're so close. What? No. Dean, I'm not. What?_ Without thinking or listening to what Dean was saying, just chanting it over and over, darting his eyes all around the room.

"Cas, shut up and listen," Dean interrupted. Cas was breathing hard, but he stopped talking and stared at Dean helplessly. "We're best friends, right? Some weird _profound bond_ shit, right?" Cas nodded and opened his mouth to reply, but Dean stopped him. "So then why can't we have sex? That's all it is: sex."

Cas shook his head, not entirely sure of what to say. "We're- I'm... I've never-"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Neither have I, Cas. Obviously," he added with a scoff. Cas wouldn't have thought that was as glaringly obvious as Dean apparently thought it was. "Okay, hear me out: school is stressful, work is stressful, and we don't have many outlets for our stress, you know? And I don't know about you, but I hate trying to seduce women. You gotta go through the whole ordeal of even  _meeting_ a chick who's interested- then you gotta look nice, say the right things, and then  _maybe_ she'll let you get to second base. And then you have to keep doing it for every girl- _that's a lot of girls_ , Cas."

"Yes, I'm well aware of your exploits, I don't understand why-"

"You know what else? The sex?" Dean shook his head with an expectant expression in his wide eyes. "Not that good, Cas. Girls just... They don't get it. They don't know what we want, and it's not like you can just  _tell them_ -" Cas would've interjected and told Dean that's  _exactly_ what he could do, but Dean just kept going. "You know who knows what guys want? _Guys_."

"Dean, it's okay if you're bisexual or bicurious or whatever you're trying to come out as-"

"Shut up, Cas! I'm not-" he snapped. Cas's heart skipped a beat, and Dean took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. "Look, we're both straight, right?" Cas shrugged; if he was honest, he wasn't really sure of the right answer to that question anymore. "Is it _that_ gay if we're just fucking? _Really?_ Think about it: we don't have feelings for each other, we're not in a relationship, we're not going out and trying to get married or something. All it'll be is two buds knockin' boots."

Cas winced at the weirdness of his phrasing, and Dean corrected himself. "You know what I mean. It's just two friends who are taking full advantage of their friendship and not depending on women to get us off. We're not going to act _any different_. We’re going to act the exact same way we did _because nothing will have changed_. Just... like, when we get stressed out, or if we're just really horny, or if we just want to fool around..." Dean shrugged and tried to gesture his implication. " _W_ _e can_. And we won't have to worry about anything! This is what friends _do_ , man. They help each other out."

Dean paused and looked like he was physically trying to grasp the words he was looking for. "Okay, we said the problem with casually hooking up with the girls was that things weren't clicking, right? They just don't get us, right?" Cas nodded hesitantly, and Dean nodded wildly. " _We_ get it! We have that friend thing, you know? We click."

Castiel closed his eyes and tried to calm his heartbeat down. _What is going on right now? Dear God, if you’re listening right now, please help me get through this without having an aneurysm._ He put two fingers between his eyebrows and willed his head to stop spinning.

"Cas?" He opened his eyes and gave a pleading look to Dean. "At least just talk to me about it."

Cas let out a frustrated sigh. "I don't know what to say."

Dean reached out, and Castiel unconsciously flinched away. "So you didn't enjoy it?" Dean asked suddenly, expression unreadable.

Cas sucked in a sharp breath. _Of course you're going to talk about it_. "Dean..."

"Because you seemed pretty _fucking_ into it the other night, Cas," Dean spat angrily as he stood up, looking down at the ground with an expression of... _something,_  and he walked over to his side of the room. "You know what? Just... forget I said anything." He laid back down on his bed and resumed tossing his hacky sack around.

Castiel closed his eyes and put a hand over his face. _"_ _Is it gay if we're just fucking?" God, isn't that the most ridiculous question of all time?_ Cas took his time wrapping his head around the idea of being with a guy. He'd never really been attracted to a man before (which wasn't necessarily their fault- he didn't find himself gravitating towards anyone _enough_ for him to really consider it an 'attraction' in the truest sense of the word). And Cas had only ever been with two women in his life ( _three if you count that failed experience with Hannah back in high school_ ), so he  _definitely_ never had any experience with a man beyond platonic interactions.

 _But it's Dean._ Cas rubbed his eyes. _But it's Dean,_ his mind repeated. And that's really what it came down to, wasn't it? It's Dean. 

 _It's just two friends having sex- nothing will change. Nothing romantic, not a relationship..._ He sighed and looked over at the other boy, who was busy staring daggers into the ceiling. "If it's just sex whenever we want, however we want, and no feelings or strings… It’s not weird, right?" Dean practically shot up and stared at him. "This could just be written off two friends helping each other out?"

Dean nodded frantically. "Yeah, yeah, that's all it is. Y'know, we can tell each other openly what we want, and-and if we want to try something-" Dean stood up and walked over to his bed, his words getting jumbled on their way out. "But there's no pressure to do certain things, and we're not obligated to do everything-" Dean sat down next to Cas and took a shallow breath. "It's just a-a-a mutual friendship thing," he said finally. Cas was finding it hard to look away from the hopeful shine in Dean's eyes, but he didn't miss the insecure bobbing of Dean's Adam's apple as he swallowed thickly. "Trust me."

He searched Dean's eyes for answers- _any answer_ - only to realize that he didn't even have a question. Cas took a deep breath before he was prepared enough to speak. "Okay."

Dean's face lit up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Cas returned with a falter in his voice. Cas licked his lips, trying to regain some moisture in his dried-out mouth. "But we need to set up rules first."

"Yeah, of course," he paused. Dean scooted just a little bit closer, and though Cas's heartbeat sped up, he didn't move away this time. "Uh, rule number one: We have to be completely open and honest with each other. Full communication. We can tell each other what we want, or correct each other's form or something if it's not working for us. And if we don't want to do something that the other one suggests, we don't have to." Cas nodded understandingly. "But the honesty thing goes for every part of our friendship, though, not just the, uh- sex."

"Yes, that's a good rule," he agreed. "Rule number two: No telling _anybody_. Nothing can change about our dynamic or the way we act in public, either."

Dean nodded, inching closer again. "Rule number three: no getting feelings for each other. If one of us starts to, y’know, catch the feelings- and we _have_ to tell each other because of the first rule- we stop." Dean gestured resolutely. "We stop and just go back to being plain vanilla friends."

"I don't think I'm going to be falling for you any time soon, so that's fine with me," Castiel teased with the beginnings of a smile playing at the corners of his lips. Dean let out some noise that was probably a playful scoff, but faltered. "Rule number four: Nothing can change, okay? I mean that. You're my best friend, Dean, and I can't lose that." Cas looked at Dean earnestly, hoping Dean understood where Cas was coming from. Dean gave him a weak half-smile, showing Cas he understood how important it was. "We're not going to start being... romantic, or going on dates, or acting strange. We're friends, and we're going to be the same way we always have. I don't want this to make things awkward or strained between us. We're just... experimenting with recreational sex." Dean laughed a little, and Cas felt himself smile. "But we're best friends above it all."

"Yeah, man. Of course. I don't wanna lose our friendship either. Best friends above it all." Cas nodded and licked his lip, biting it on the inside. "I've got a good one. This is probably the most important." Cas nodded, sitting up straighter until they were less than a foot away from each other. "Rule number five: no blue balls." Dean's smile broke out and Cas huffed a laugh. "You start something, you finish it. That goes for both of us." The boys relaxed a little, subconsciously leaning in. "Dude, seriously. I almost exploded the other night. I can't do that again."

Cas nodded in agreement. Though the joke was over, Cas found himself still smiling at the bright grin on Dean's lips. Glancing up into his sparkling eyes- _not sparkling_ , he corrected.  _Normal, green eyes-_ Cas swallowed. "What about kissing? Is that too... intimate?"

Dean licked his lips absently in thought, and Cas found himself hoping the answer was no. "I think kissing is okay if it's to get us going."

Cas ignored the tiny sense of relief he felt at the words. "So, this is..." He inched closer, his eyes flashing between Dean's eyes and his lips. "This is happening." It wasn't really a question, but it came out like one.

"I think so." Dean was inching closer, too- with his hand on the bed beside Cas to hold himself up. "Do you..." Dean's voice was quiet, both of their eyes glued to the other's lips. "Want to... Um..."

For a while, it was like the other night: lips timidly hovering an inch apart and the only air being breathed in was from the lungs of the other boy. But there was no slow-motion, almost undetectable feather-light pressing of lips together, and it wasn't Dean who closed the distance this time. Instead, a surge of excitement swelled inside Castiel's system that pushed his body forward, onto his knees, and sealed his lips to Dean's.

The sheer force of it knocked a surprised noise from the back of Dean's throat, and he faltered slightly before regaining his composure. Afraid he'd done something wrong, Cas pulled back, only to have Dean's hand come up to the back of his neck and hurriedly bring them back together. Dean softened his lips and parted them to slide closer between Castiel's, and Cas flowed into it with a sigh. Dean's hand held onto him tighter as their bodies relaxed into the movement of their kiss, and Cas brought his hands to Dean's hips, fingers gripping the hemline of his shirt.

Cas's hands gripped tighter and pulled Dean closer, bringing him to his knees until he was leaning over Cas. Dean gently bit down on Cas's lip, and Cas fought back a moan. He pulled back enough to yank Dean's shirt up and off, throwing it to the side of the room, before grabbing Dean's bare waist and bringing them crashing back together. Dean smoothed his hands down from the sides of Cas's jaw and down to his neck where he fisted his hands in the collar of Castiel's hoodie.

Their lips slid and sucked with hurried pecks, and Cas mewled into the kiss. "Yeah," Dean breathed heavily, pulling back and quickly yanking Castiel's hoodie off, sending his glasses flying off with it in the process. He ran a flattened hand up Cas's flushed abdomen and over his hips, appreciating his collar momentarily before attaching his mouth to Cas's jaw. Cas let out a pinched-off sigh and rocked his body into the touch, digging his fingers into the meat of Dean's arms.

Dean's lips bit kisses down his neck and onto the sensitive skin of his collar, and Cas felt like he just needed everything  _right now_. " _God_ ," Cas groaned, scratching over Dean's skin as Dean dragged his thumbnail over Castiel's nipple. "I need-" He was cut off by Dean sucking marks over Cas's chest and grazing his teeth across his nipple. "Oh,  _God_." 

Dean quickly chased his voice with his lips, tasting the words on Cas's tongue and framing Cas's face with his hands. Dean made a noise that was probably supposed to be words, but he couldn't detach their lips long enough for it to make sense. Instead, he just pushed forward, moving his hands to hurriedly slide Castiel's school things off his bed and onto the floor with a loud thud. Cas's hands immediately went to the button of his own jeans to try and work them open as Dean kissed over the sides of his lips and over his jaw, his hands trailing down over the swell of Cas's ass and squeezing. Cas let out a whine and let Dean lift up and pull, letting Cas fall flat onto his back. 

Cas tried to work his pants off while staring at Dean, who was making quick work of standing up and shucking off his own jeans. Cas's eyes glossed over the blush that had spread over Dean's chest and shoulders, over the pink swelling of his lips, over the obvious tenting in his boxers. "You okay there, Cas?" Dean's voice startled Cas out of his transfixion, and he looked into his eyes expectantly. Dean's lips spread into a curious smile as he kicked his jeans across the floor. 

"What?"

The mattress dipped as Dean got to his knees and straddled either side of Cas's shins. "You gonna leave your pants on?" Cas looked down and realized he'd gotten distracted from his task. He went to say something, but Dean just ran his hands up Cas's thighs. "Is this okay?" Cas tore his eyes away from Dean's hands to see the genuine expression on Dean's face, and he nodded. Dean slid his hands the rest of the way up Castiel's thighs and watched Cas's face as he let one hand rest on his bulge.

Cas sucked in a sharp breath and clenched his fists, watching Dean work his hand- pressing down firmer and running his palm up and down slowly. Cas's eyes slipped shut as he rolled his body with it. " _Dean_ ," he moaned. Dean leaned over and pressed his lips to Cas's chest, dipping his fingertips between Cas's thighs and dragging his hands up as he bit a mark onto Cas's skin. Cas let out a groan and brought his hands to either side of Dean's neck, letting his head fall back onto the pillow as Dean worked. Dean's hand rocked Castiel with a quickening rhythm, and Cas rolled along with it. " _Fuck_ , Dean, I-"

Dean moved both of his hands to the waistline of Cas's pants and lifted Cas as he tugged them down, sitting up only long enough to yank them the rest of the way off and throw them over his shoulder. Dean slid between Cas's legs and fit their bodies together in one long motion, roaming his hands over Cas's thighs and pushing them apart in the process. He brought their lips together and Cas's hands found their way to his back to hold on as they started rocking against each other. 

The pace of their bodies quickened almost immediately, making both of their breaths speed up. Dean rested his forehead on Cas's as he pushed and slid their barely-clothed groins together using his hold on the back of Cas's thighs to manhandle him, causing arguably the best friction Castiel had ever felt in his life. Cas's nails bit into Dean's back as he dragged them down, and Dean's eyes slipped shut as he grunted. " _Jesus_ , Cas." Cas grinned and took Dean's lip between his teeth, tilting his chin and sliding their lips together again.

Dean hummed and hastily moved his hands up Cas's chest and to his pecs, squeezing before he teasingly pinched Cas's nipple. Cas couldn't stifle the moan that escaped him, wrapping his calves around Dean's knees and tugging him closer. Dean kissed down his chin and sealed his lips on Cas's neck as his hands roamed back down Cas's stomach and the tips of his fingers dipped below the band of his boxer briefs. Cas nodded quickly, answering the silent question, and Dean sat up and yanked Cas's boxers down. Cas let out a heavy breath as the air hit him, and let Dean pull them the rest of the way off and toss them aside.

Dean's eyes traveled down Cas's newly naked body and chewed on his bottom lip. Cas normally would've felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny, but he was just so ready for release, all he could do was run his hands over Dean's skin. Dean's hands ran up and down Cas's thighs and over the planes of his hips as he kept staring at Cas's body until Cas got impatient and slipped his hands down Dean's ass under his boxers. He pulled Dean forward onto him and bit his nails into the skin of Dean's ass as he squeezed appreciatively.

"Jesus, Cas, you're killing me," Dean whispered with a smile. Cas grinned and pecked his lips again before pushing down the material of the boxers as much as he could from the angle; he moved his hands to the front of the boxers and tugged them down to his knees. Dean's cock slapped up against his stomach when it was released, and he sucked in a sharp breath at the new air hitting it. Dean adjusted to slide the material all the way off, and Castiel rested his hands on the sides of Dean's hips, his legs still wrapped around Dean's knees.

Cas looked at Dean's dick very carefully, noticing that it was only a little lighter than the tan from the rest of Dean's body. It definitely wasn't porn-star-huge, but Dean certainly wasn't lacking. He was probably the same length as Castiel, but he was undoubtedly thicker. Cas licked his lips in thought. "Cas?" Dean asked after noticing Cas's fixation.

Cas subconsciously rubbed his thumbs in circles on Dean's hips. "Honesty... Yes?" Dean nodded. "You have a very nice dick." Dean huffed a laugh and leaned down to kiss him and place his hands on Cas's hips.

"Back at ya," he whispered into Castiel's neck as he grazed his teeth on Cas's skin. Dean moved his hand and lightly grasped the base of Cas's cock. Cas moaned his name and pushed his hips forward into the touch. Castiel opted to fist around the top of Dean's cock first, gathering precome on his hands before gliding down his shaft. "Cas," Dean breathed. He brought their bodies flush together, and Cas wrapped his legs around Dean's waist like it was the most natural thing in the world. Dean stroked more firmly now that they'd gotten used to the new touches, and slid their lips together again.

Dean thumbed at the slit of Cas's cock before spreading more precome over the head. "Dean," Cas mewled brokenly. This wasn't going to last very long, but he didn't worry because Dean's breath was coming quicker, too. Cas used his legs to move Dean's hips closer as he stroked his dick faster, setting up a rhythm to roll their whole bodies into. Dean rolled his hips into Cas's, their hands and cocks brushing up against each other and moaned softly into his mouth. "Faster, Dean," he urged. Dean nodded eagerly and tried to kiss him, but their deep kiss turned into a series of desperate pecks, not always landing on their lips.

Cas worked in a snap of his wrist and grinded his hips up into Dean's hand simultaneously. He brought his other hand to the back of Dean's neck and dug his nails into his scalp. Dean shivered and fisted Castiel's cock faster. "DeanDeanDean _fuckDean_ ," he chanted loudly, his voice growing hoarse.

Cas thumbed at the head of Dean's cock with every upward stroke, and Dean's hips sputtered erratically. "Shit, Cas, oh- oh  _god_ , I’m-" His words slurring into a long groan, Dean came hard over Cas's hand and painted the bottom of his stomach. Cas slowed his hand to work Dean through his climax, while trying to keep it together from Dean's hand stroking faster and faster, cocking a little at the top of the stroke.

He let out a loud, long moan and squeezed his eyes shut. " _Dean_ -!" Cas choked out loudly. Cas surged his hips forward into Dean's fist repeatedly as he toppled over the edge of his climax. " _Oh_ , Dean- Dean-  _uhn_ ," he mewled, still shaking and pulsing through his orgasm. Dean pressed his lips to Cas's in a long, slow kiss as he stroked him softly.

Eventually, they pulled their mouths apart and rested their foreheads together, chests heaving with effort to catch their breath. They stayed with their bodies intertwined, neither of them having the energy to move yet. Then Dean kissed him again, a slow and nearly chaste drag of his lips, pulling one last sigh from Cas's chest. "Did we really just do that?" Dean breathed the question against Cas's lips. His voice would've been inaudible if they weren't pressed so close together.

Castiel grinned. "I think we did."


	6. September 14, 2013

_Thank God for Saturdays._ Dean cherished the weekends because he didn't have to wake up early, didn't have to sit through boring lectures, and he had time to do whatever he wanted when he was off work. He woke up around 9 am, his brain fortunately or unfortunately stuck in the habit of getting up around then, and looked around the room as he stretched lazily, still laying down. Cas was already showered and dressed, sitting at his desk and working out of a textbook.

Again, his mind was rolling the same film on repeat: Cas's body, his lips, his voice- _his fucking voice._  Unlike before, it was actually a good thing this time. He wasn't filled with regret or shame, and he could actually _enjoy_ the memories. He could enjoy remembering what it was like to touch Cas the way he wanted, kiss him the way he wanted, and hear his name fall from those lips. He could enjoy it because Cas wanted it, too.

Putting his idea out in the open to Cas was a shot in the dark at best, and he’d been worried sick that Cas would've immediately turned him down. All night, he had the sinking feeling in his gut that Cas was going to be too disgusted or weirded out by him to continue being friends. Maybe worse- who knows? The reaction that came to pass, though... It was way better than he could've imagined. Cas had been hesitant at first, as to be expected- sex with your dude best friend isn't exactly something most guys jump headfirst into- but when he accepted, Dean was relieved to say the least.

When they started kissing, Cas wasn't just present like most girls he'd been with; he was _active_ , enthusiastic even. Cas was by far the most receptive person he'd ever been with, or maybe it just seemed that way. The way Cas was moaning and mewling delicious noises, his muscles tensing and relaxing with every touch, and _screaming_ his name was definitely something Dean never wanted to forget. In the back of his mind, he thought about how thin the walls actually are, and made a mental note to do something about it.

To make a perfect story even better, it wasn't even awkward afterwards. They'd gotten up and gathered their clothes that were scattered all over the room and laughed easily. Dean had whined about needing a shower, and Cas just gave him this flat look and pointed to his own stomach, causing them both to laugh again.

Judging by Cas's presence this morning, he was still okay with what happened. Dean rolled onto his back and put his hands behind his head, looking at the back of Cas's head and smiling to himself. Cas must've sensed his being awake because he turned to look at him and smiled before returning his attention back to his work. Dean's eyes didn't waver, feeling too awesome- too sated and relaxed- to care that he should move or look away. "Mornin'," he greeted as he crossed his ankles underneath the blanket.

Cas turned his head slightly, crossing his arms on the desk and resting his head on his shoulder to look back at Dean. "Good morning," he returned with an easy smile.

"What're you doin' up already? Thought you didn't work till later."

"I don't. I went to eat breakfast and needed time to work on the homework that you prevented me from doing last night." He raised an eyebrow to Dean and smirked before turning back to keep working.

Dean grinned and made himself more comfortable on the bed. " _Yeah_ , well, I didn't hear you complaining." He heard Cas huff a laugh and put his chin on his hand. "Did I miss breakfast?"

"Yeah, it ended about a half-hour ago." Dean frowned disappointedly. Cas wordlessly reached into his backpack and pulled out a blueberry muffin encased in napkins, pushing it to the edge of his desk without another word.

Dean rolled off the bed with a happy groan. "You are the _best_ , man," he thanked as leaned against Cas's desk and bit into the muffin. Sure, it wasn't eggs and bacon, but he was starving- and Cas couldn't very easily have smuggled a full meal out of the dining hall- so he wasn't about to complain.

"I know," Cas replied simply, writing down on his paper. Dean scoffed and shoved him playfully in the shoulder with the last bit of muffin in his mouth. "What time do you go to the shop today?"

"Noon," Dean tried to say through a mouth full of food. Cas furrowed his brow at him, and Dean help up a finger as he tried to dryly swallow around it. "I should probably get ready. Thank you for the food." He walked towards the bathroom and turned to add "among other things," with a wink.

Cas grinned widely and looked away. "Shut up and go get ready." Dean laughed and closed the door. _Maybe this really can work._

 

**& &**

It took Cas  _hours_ before he finally finished his seemingly endless pile of homework. It was already passing one o'clock by the time he closed his laptop. Cas grumbled and let his head fall to the desk, resting his eyes. He spent maybe a whole two minutes with his eyes closed before his cell phone beeped twice from its place on his bed, and he let out a deep sigh.  _I have two hours until I need to go into work. Please don't be asking me to come in early._ Cas silently begged as he unlocked his phone.

_New Message: Charlie:"Z-man's here. He wants to leave and said you need to be here in 30."_

"Naturally," he mumbled. He typed out, _"Of course. Be there soon."_ Cas put his uniform on morosely and dragged himself out the door.

As soon as he got to 'Brews, Zachariah went off on him. "What took you so long?"

Castiel tried to remain polite despite his desire to be rude; the last thing he needed was to lose his job. "I left as soon as Charlie texted me, but I have to walk here," he said as he clocked in.

Zachariah rolled his eyes and tossed his smock into the closet. "You're still scheduled to work until 7, so don't get any ideas about leaving early." Cas nodded silently. The manager clocked out and stormed out of the shop.

Zachariah really reminded him of his eldest brother, Michael. Zachariah was impatient, rude, and thought himself holier than the world around him- just like Michael. Of course, Michael was probably worse, but Cas didn't like to think about that, so he quickly derailed that train of thought.

Castiel crossed his arms tiredly and relaxed against the counter. "I was actually having an okay day and then that... _ass_  has to go and ruin it."

" _You_ had an okay day?" Charlie asked incredulously.

"Well, I had a lot of homework to get caught up on, so it wasn't _great_ …" Cas replied automatically. He squinted at Charlie's expression. "Why? I'm not allowed to partially enjoy my life now?"

She studied his face a little longer before a knowing grin spread across her face, and she punched him in the shoulder. "You little shit! You got laid last night and weren't going to tell me!"

Cas's face immediately felt hotter. "I did not!" _Lie._

"Who was it? Meg?"

" _No_ ," he answered quickly. Charlie's grin widened, but he cut her off before she could say anything. "It wasn't anybody."

"Okay, Cas." She winked at him. He blushed even darker and looked away pointedly. Unconsciously he wiped at his forehead just in case the neon letters were back.

 

**& &**

 

Dean glided through work effortlessly. His good mood earned some extra attention from Rufus and the other mechanics, but he deflected their questions easily enough because _nothing_ was going to ruin his mood today. He was still feeling pretty fucking awesome, and he wanted this contentedness to last forever.

When he got off work at six that evening, he decided to call Sam; he'd neglected to call him even once that week because of all the crap he had going on. It rang through twice before Sam picked up. "Hey, Dean."

"Sammy! How's it hangin'?" Dean greeted cheerily as he got inside the Impala and started her up.

"Well you would know if you'd bothered to call this week," Sam retorted mockingly. "Not that I care. I just know how much you need to talk about yourself, and I'm the only one who will listen."

Dean laughed and let out a sigh, letting Sam's comment slide. "Been busy," he explained. "But I'm not busy now, so talk to me."

"I'm fine," Sam answered plainly. "What were you so busy with?"

 _Cas_. "School stuff, friend stuff, other stuff- none of your baby brother beeswax."

Sam huffed a laugh. "Were you busy with whoever is making you so annoyingly happy right now?"

Dean grinned to himself. "Maybe."

"That girl? What was her name- Lisa?"

"I called to talk about you, not me- so dish. What's going on at school?"

"School’s same as usual, but I did meet a girl a while ago."

"Oh?" Instead of heading back to campus, Dean drove toward the department store. _I almost forgot to deal with Cas's noise problem._ Dean nodded inwardly, remembering how much he actually enjoyed hearing Cas's voice. _Okay, scratch_ _that: definitely_ not _a problem. Just something that might attract a little unwanted attention, is all._

"Yeah. Her name is Madison. She's really smart and funny. She even likes those soap operas you watch all the time-"

" _Daytime dramas_ , little brother," he corrected.

"Yeah, whatever," Sam chuckled. " _And_ she's a dog person, like me."

"Dude, you had one dog a million years ago." He didn't wait to hear Sam's comeback before he continued. "So you like this girl, huh?"

"Yeah. I really do," Sam said sincerely.

Dean then did what big brothers do best, and sabotaged the moment. "You gettin' any?"

"What?" Sam blurted.

"Ah, come on, Sammy. You said she was nice- how nice is she?"

He could practically _hear_ Sam turning red. "Shut up, Dean."

"Can I take that as a yes?"

"You can take it as a that's none of your business," he said pointedly.

Dean laughed. "That's my boy." He pulled into a parking spot and started walking into the store.

"So, how's Castiel?" Sam asked, changing the subject.

 _Awesome kisser, really good with his hands._ He laughed to himself, deciding it would probably be best to _not_ tell Sam all that. "He's good. I guess he's been wound a little tight lately- he almost snapped when he failed a test the other day."

" _Castiel_ almost snapped?" Sam inserted skeptically. "Dude, I haven't even met the guy, and I can't believe someone as quiet as him would snap."

"Ah, he's quiet sometimes, sure, but he's definitely loud when he wants to be," he mumbled with a smirk. He walked over to the electronics section and browsed the speaker equipment.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing," he answered with a shrug. "Hey, what kind of iPod do I have?" 

"I got you a nano, like, two years ago… Why?" 

Dean picked up a box and examined it. "Would I be able to use the iHome thing, or do I have to just get one of those individual plug-in speakers?"

"You can do both… The speaker is cheaper, but the docking stations usually have better sound and come with a remote." Sam paused before adding, "Y'know, you could just join the 21st century and upgrade that ancient flip phone for a smartphone," but Dean ignored it.

"Remote could come in handy… And we need as much volume as possible, so," he mumbled to himself mindlessly.

"What?" Sam repeated.

"Nothing, sorry. Thinking about having a party, and I need something for music," he lied. Dean picked one out and wandered in the direction of the personal aisle.

"You _do_ know that not everyone listens to music that came out forty years ago, right?" Sam jibed.

"Bite me." Sam snorted lightly. Dean looked at the long line of condoms and paused. He avoided thinking of Cas as best as he could. _A chick might come along, and what will I do if I'm not prepared? I should be prepared, right? Just in case._ "Hey, Sammy, think I should get ribbed?" he taunted. He'd stopped being uncomfortable around Sam a long time ago, but Sam still hadn't, so he enjoyed teasing him as often as he could.

"Get ribbed?"

Dean grinned. "Rubbers, Sammy. Y'know, _ribbed for her pleasure_ \- ooh, or flavored?"

He heard Sam let out a disgusted groan. "Dean-!"

"Both it is. Okay, strawberry or grape? Sour apple is a little too hard, right? Then again, I guess she wouldn't be too put off by something hard in her mouth, am I right?" Dean teased relentlessly.

" _Dean!_ " Sam yelled, voice cracking.

Dean chuckled. "Okay, _okay_. I'm done."

"Thank you," Sam sighed.

Dean looked over at the lubricants. _Girls like that stuff, too, right? Yeah. I should just be prepared, right? Yeah._ It gave him an idea and he couldn't resist embarrassing Sam further. "Alright, Sam. Ladies' man to ladies' man: KY or flavored lube?"

Sam screeched unintelligibly. "I'm hanging up now." Dean couldn't hold back his laughter. "Jerk."

"Bitch."  _Oh, he's too easy._

Dean flipped his phone shut and turned his attention back to the purchase in question. _Not for Cas. For the ladies. Yeah._ He nodded reassuringly and went with the standards for both items. _Could come in handy._

**& &**

 

Castiel was leaning against the counter, trying not to fall asleep and feeling completely exhausted from all of the homework and the relentless rush of customers. Charlie's shift ended half an hour ago, right before Chuck showed up to take her spot. Chuck seemed to be in a cheerful mood, though- which is completely out-of-character for him- so Cas hoped that maybe Chuck would take over most of the duties and let Cas relax until the end of his shift.

"Hello, Castiel. Wonderful evening we're having, isn't it?" He greeted with a wide grin as he put his smock on. Cas hummed in silent response. "You will never guess what happened." Cas gave another monosyllabic reply; Chuck either didn't notice Cas's current state of disinterest, or he just didn't care. "I met a fan."

 _People actually read his stories?_ "Uh-huh?" 

"Yeah. Her name is Becky- Becky Rosen." Chuck shook his head in disbelief. "So there I was: typing on my laptop at the Starbucks across the street from the library- and you know how I have the anti-possession symbol drawn on there in sharpie, right? Well, she noticed it and asked if I had read my stories, too. And- oh my God- you wouldn't _believe_ the look on her face when I told her I'm the writer. She totally wanted me."

Cas hummed again. Castiel had tried to read some of Chuck’s stories before, but it just wasn’t up his alley. Chuck was great and all, but Cas didn't see the appeal in the chronicles following two ghost-busting brothers with daddy issues and unresolved sexual tension. He didn’t care what Chuck said- Charlie was right; the incest was definitely ‘canon,’ as she put it. This girl's interest in Chuck  _and_ his stories didn't instill Castiel with much confidence in her character.

"Yeah, I know, right? So, I asked her out. _I actually asked her out._ And she said yes! Could this day get _any_ better?"

"I can think of a few ways it could improve," he mumbled rhetorically. _Most of which involve Dean's hands._  Cas smiled inwardly at the thought. Chuck didn't seem to notice his comment and continued his ramblings. To his pleasure, Chuck was in such a blissed-out mood, he took care of all of the work by himself with ease. To Cas's _dis_ pleasure, however, that didn't stop him from running his mouth endlessly. _Seven o'clock, please come quickly._

 

**& &**

 

When Dean arrived back at the room, Cas was still at work. Thankfully, that gave him time to hide his two "just in case" purchases and set up the docking station. Admittedly, he took longer than necessary to fruitlessly fumble around with the cords before deciding to look at the directions. When he finally got it all set up, he plugged his iPod in and tested the remote. After turning up the volume to the perfect loud-but-not-too-bothersome level, he turned it back off. _That should keep people from putting their nose in our business- that way only I can hear the way Cas screams my name._  Dean smirked to himself, feeling incredibly pleased with his purchase.

He heard the door open and he turned around to see a completely disheveled Cas walking into the room. "You look like shit," he observed.

Cas squinted at him menacingly. "I am beyond done with today," he mentioned as he trudged in and removed his shoes. "First, I had almost 4 hours' worth of homework, then I got called into work two hours early- two hours I did not get relieved early for, by the way- and _then_  I had to listen to Chuck go on and on about some girl who reads his homoerotic-” Cas stopped griping when he finally noticed the stereo. "What's that for?"

"For music." Cas gave him another unamused expression, and Dean grinned. "Actually, it's for you."

"For me?"

"Well, _you_ have a very loud mouth." Cas scoffed defiantly, but an embarrassed blush crept up under his collar. Dean approached him from behind and put his arms around his waist. "I like it," he whispered into Cas's ear. Cas's lips danced around a tiny smile, and he put his hands on Dean's forearms as they swayed slightly. Dean kissed his neck softly, earning a pleasant hum from Cas. "Don't want anyone else to hear the sounds you make for me," he murmured between kisses.

A small moan formed in Cas's chest. "How much do you like them, Dean?" He asked softly, reaching a hand back to run through Dean's hair as he encouraged him on.

"So much, Cas- _fuck_ so much," he murmured, putting his lips to the sensitive patch of skin under Cas's ear, nibbling on the lobe.

Castiel grinned and made a slightly deeper groan. "Really?" Dean nodded with his face pressed into the crook of Castiel's neck. "So what would you do if I did this?" Cas parted his lips to let out a breathy moan. Dean rubbed his clothed erection into the small of his back and lifted Cas's shirt off.

Dean returned his hands to Cas's bare chest and roamed the expanse of his skin. Cas continued his research. "And if I did this?" The whine Cas made this time was louder and more confident. Dean turned Cas's face enough kiss his lips as he barred one arm across Cas's chest and used his other hand to gently slide down Cas's abdomen and under the waistband of his slacks. Cas's lips parted with a genuinely heavy breath as Dean cupped his slowly growing bulge over his boxer briefs. Cas rocked into the touch, and Dean kissed the side of his mouth, his cheek, and his jaw before returning to Cas's lips.

Cas grinned even wider. "Mm, I'll make a note of that," Cas teased against Dean's lips. "Alright, how about-" The next groan that rippled from Castiel's chest was so loud, Dean's eyes widened. Cas didn't stop at just one this time- he breathed exaggeratedly over and over and made little moans between them, biting his lips and using one hand to press Dean's southbound hand down on himself harder. Cas held onto the back of Dean's neck tighter, rutting up against him and throwing his head back onto Dean's shoulder. "Oh, _yeah_!" Cas cried out. " _Uhn, yes!_   _Fuck yes_ , right there! Oh, _Dean_!  _Fuck me-_ "

Dean whipped Cas around quickly and took his face in his hands, bringing their lips crashing together. Cas made a tiny surprised noise and wrapped his arms above Dean's shoulders with a satisfied grin. Dean softened his lips and tilted his head to kiss Castiel deeper as he pushed Cas up against his desk and brought their bodies together. "You're gonna be the death of me, man," Dean said breathlessly when he finally pulled away.

"You'd better hurry up and turn on that music," Cas threatened, raising an eyebrow at him mischievously. Cas leaned his head back and shut his eyes. " _Oh! De-!_ " Before Cas could finish screaming his name, Dean claimed Cas's lips with his own, making a point of shutting him up. Dean moved his hands to the Castiel's ass and hoisted him up onto the desk, fitting between his thighs and rolling their whole bodies together deliberately. Cas's small groan was sincere this time as he grabbed Dean's shirt to bring them closer together.

Dean clumsily tried to find the remote without parting from Cas, his hands flailing around and blindly roaming the desk. When his hands finally landed on it, Dean regretfully pulled his mouth away. Naturally, Cas started moaning loudly again, so Dean covered Cas's open mouth with the palm of his hand. He and Castiel laughed breathlessly while Cas tried to lick his palm. "Ew, you freak," Dean griped with a playful nose-scrunch, making Cas chuckle.

Dean stared at the remote, trying to find the on button while Cas took the opportunity to take off Dean's shirt, removing Dean's hand from his mouth in the process. Cas threw the shirt off to the side and leaned forward to kiss and suck on Dean's neck and chest. Dean still couldn't figure out where the damn button was, and Cas was being very distracting. When Cas grabbed his ass to pull his hips closer and mouthed at his nipple simultaneously, Dean let out a shaky laugh. " _Fuck_ , I am never going to get this thing on if you keep doing that," he breathed. Cas kept Dean close, but went easy on him, gingerly kissing the skin of his collar and massaging his sides.

 _Finally,_ Dean managed to turn the music on. The first thing that blared from the speakers was ACDC's "You Shook Me All Night Long," which made Cas raise a questioning eyebrow at him. "Totally coincidental," Dean explained. "I hope you're good with this- 'mood music' might be a little suspicious."

"Dean, believe me when I say, I really could _not_  care less about music right now," Cas promised in a murmur as he kissed over Dean's jaw. Dean finally got his hands back on Castiel's skin where they belong, and tilted his chin down to recapture Cas's lips in a less-than-chaste kiss. Dean rocked their bodies together, lightly scratching down Cas's sides and into the muscle on his lower back. Cas whimpered and moved his hands down to the front of Dean's jeans to work them open. When he got the button undone and the fly down, he slid one hand down both layers of material and grasped Dean's cock. Dean breathed in deeply and rested his forehead against Cas's. "Good?" Castiel asked, bumping Dean's cheekbone with his nose.

Dean nodded eagerly, letting Cas stroke him and breathe against the sweat on Dean's temple. Cas used his fingers to spread the wetness of his precome along Dean's shaft and slid his hand on him easier. "Oh my God," Dean sighed, briefly resting his head on Castiel's shoulder and digging his fingers into Cas's skin with restraint. Cas grazed his lips on the skin of Dean's shoulder, biting kisses and subtly marking him as he deftly worked his hand in Dean's pants.

Gaining a new wave of momentum, Dean made fast work of undoing Cas's slacks, manhandling them off of Cas by picking him up get them down, and yanking them down his legs roughly. Cas made a breathy groan when his ass fell back down onto the hard desk. Dean hurriedly pulled down his own jeans before Cas wrapped his legs high around Dean's waist and pulled them closer again. With his hands on the side of Dean's neck, Cas dragged him back into a heated kiss and used the new angle of his hips to rut his ass on Dean's cock, just two thin layers of cloth separating them. Dean groaned and wrapped his arms around Cas's lower back, losing himself in the new friction of their bodies.

Cas's hands fell from their place on Dean's neck, over the swell of his pec muscles where they briefly rested before they made their way to Dean's boxers and tugged downward. Dean pulled his lips from Cas's with a gasp, and Cas leaned up to suck at his jaw and neck, kissing his Adam's apple wetly as he yanked Dean's boxers down further. "God, sex turns you into such a different person, you know that?" Dean breathed as he stepped back just enough to pull down his boxers and toe off both of his previous layers of clothes. "You're kind of a slut," he teased as he returned his lips to Castiel's.

Cas grinned and nibbled at his lip affectionately. "Hurry up, Dean," he urged. Dean nodded and hoisted Cas back onto his waist to lift him up again and tug his boxer briefs down. He let Cas fall back down (mostly because he really liked the tiny grunt Cas made as his ass hit the table) and slid the material down Cas's legs before discarding it over his shoulder.

Dean brought their bodies flush together again, and their dicks grazed each other, earning a moan from Cas. _Shit, this is really not going to last long._  Without thinking, Dean reached his hand up in front of Cas's face. Without even a moment of hesitation, Cas pulled the hand to his mouth and licked it; he licked the palm and each individual finger while staring Dean straight in the eyes. Dean bit his lip, fighting back the urge to moan just at the sight and the feeling of Cas's  _fucking amazing_ mouth. 

Cas wrapped his lips around Dean's middle finger and took the digit into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the top of it before sucking slightly and pulling off with a wet _pop_. "Holy shit, Cas," Dean groaned hoarsely. Cas grinned and let go of his hand. Immediately, Dean replaced his hand with his mouth because there was no way Cas's lips didn't need to be occupied at all times.

Dean reached between them with his slick hand, grasping both of their cocks together. Cas gasped into his mouth and let his head fall back against the top shelf of the desk. " _Dean_." He put his hands on the top of Dean's shoulders at the sides of his neck and dug his nails into the skin. Dean stroked their dicks faster, running his thumb over the slit of Cas's on each upward movement. Their bodies naturally found a rhythm together, bumping and sliding with each other to match the strokes of Dean's hand.

Cas began unconsciously thrusting his hips up even harder into Dean's fist for extra friction. Dean planted kisses and little bites to Castiel's exposed neck, willing himself to not come just from the sounds Cas was making. Glancing up, he was blessed with the sight of Cas breathing heavily and whispering Dean's name encouragingly, his head still resting on the top of the desk with his eyes squeezed shut. Cas wrapped his thighs around Dean tighter and pulled his shoulders in closer, his nails biting into Dean's skin and making Dean's nerves light up. Cas was moaning loudly and whispering unintelligibly against his temple, dragging his lips on his skin and barely managing to press kisses to him.

Dean moved his hand on their cocks faster and added the little twist at the end he knew he liked- hoping that Cas did, too- and leaned up to kiss the side of Cas's face frantically. The other hand placed on the small of Cas's back dug into Cas's roughly, forcing their bodies as close as they could get. Cas groaned even louder and scratched down from Dean's shoulder blades and into his pecs. " _Shit_ , Cas," he groaned.

Dean was teetering on the edge of losing it, but he didn't want to come before Cas again so he bit his lip and tried to fight it back. Cas’s face was red from restraint, and Dean could tell he was trying not to be too loud. Dean tugged more pointedly at Cas's cock, and Cas rewarded him with breaking his restraint. "OhfuckDean- _Dean_!" Cas shouted helplessly, toppling over the edge of his climax. Cas let out a long, shaky groan and thrust his pulsing cock up into Dean's rapidly moving fist. " _Uhn, f-f-fuck_ , oh-h-h," he breathed as his body trembled in Dean's arms.

Cas used one hand to reach down and join Dean's own hand and rolled Dean's balls with his fingers as Dean jerked himself quickly. Cas slid his lips over Dean's gaping mouth and tasted his own name on Dean's tongue as Dean came, spilling over his fist and onto Cas's hand. " _Cas_ , fuck-" Dean slurred into a long groan as he finished shaking, closing his eyes and leaning into the feeling of Cas's lips pressing into his hairline.

The boys relaxed then, Cas falling back against the top of the desk with a dumb, sated grin and Dean with his forehead pressed to Cas's shoulder. Cas must've noticed how hard his one hand was biting into the skin of Dean's chest, and he unhooked it. "I'm sorry," he mumbled as he briefly rubbed his fingers over the spot soothingly. Dean huffed a laugh and pressed a single kiss to Cas's chest.

Dean lifted his head up to Cas's face. "Don't be," he murmured against Castiel's lips as he kissed him again. "I like it when you lose control like that." Cas leaned back and went to run his hand through his hair when he barely realized in time that his hand was dirty. Cas let the hand fall back down onto his lap, and Dean chuckled. "Sorry." Cas gave him a lazy half-shrug and licked his lips, a movement Dean studied thoroughly. Dean fought back a whimper at the thought of all the things that mouth could do. _Next time._


	7. September 20, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mentions of past abuse, alcoholism, implied past self harm.

The sunshine and fine weather couldn't last forever, unfortunately. It had been bright and dry for weeks, and this was the day all of the pent-up rain decided to pour down mercilessly. Dean was sitting through an especially excruciating History lecture, the sound of rain beating down on the roof adding to the monotony of the class. His professor- some man he still hadn't bothered to learn the name of- was so boring, he could probably put Ferris Bueller's teacher to sleep.

Dean was leaning back in his seat, switching between scribbling mindless circles and writing down lyrics. Gordon was asleep in the seat next to him, resting his head on his fist next to Dean's shoulder. Every few seconds, he would snore in Dean's ear and smack his lips. Dean squirmed in his seat and tried to tune it out. Gordon's head slipped out of his hand and landed on Dean's shoulder. He didn't seem to notice and cozied his face onto Dean's shoulder and smacked his lips again before breathing loudly.

"Dude," Dean grumbled, pulling his shoulder away from Gordon. His head fell and he inhaled suddenly, waking himself up.

Gordon squinted and peered at Dean from the corner of his eyes. "What?" He sat up straighter and wiped some drool from the side of his mouth.

Dean couldn't hold back his disgusted look. "You were trying to get all cuddly with me, man," Dean answered snidely.

Gordon smirked lazily and settled back down in his seat. "Oh, I'm sorry, Princess; you save all of your snuggles for your pretty boyfriend, ain't that right?" Gordon teased quietly.

"What?" He whipped his head to stare at Gordon straight-on.

Gordon chuckled. "I _said_ you only cuddle up with that pretty boyfriend of yours- Cassie."

Dean elbowed him sharply. " _Cas_ is not my boyfriend. We're just friends, dude."

Gordon snorted again mockingly and rested his head back on his other hand and closed his eyes. "Whatever, man. Wake me up when he dismisses class." Dean rolled his eyes.

He returned to his slack position in his seat and started writing again. Back at home, Dean had taught himself how to play the guitar when he was 13. He started writing when he was 16 or 17, mostly just random thoughts or ideas that struck him on occasion. Sometimes they had more meaning, and he wrote them in the form of lyrics- _because only bitches write in frilly little diaries._ The past two years, though, he'd had a pretty bad dry spell. He never felt inspired enough to write anything halfway decent, and he left his guitar back in Lawrence instead of bringing it back to LA for his sophomore year. Today felt different, though. He stopped writing and studied his paper.

 _I always dreamed of somewhere over the rainbow, a dream of something more._  
_A different life was calling to me- one I didn't know._  
_The day came with dust and wind; a tornado took me by surprise._  
_I didn't know that this would be the end._  
_But we're not in Kansas anymore. The dusty trail turned to yellow brick._  
_Now I'm all alone, and all I wanna do is get back home._

He chewed on the inside of his cheek while he scrutinized his work. It's still pretty jank, but at least it's better than the stuff he was penning this time last year. Dean was feeling a little homesick lately, and it probably didn't help that he just watched _The Wizard of Oz_ with Ash and his roommate, Andy, while listening to Pink Floyd and testing some of Ash's new products.

It's not that college wasn't great- it'd been fun and he's met some pretty cool people- but family was the most important thing in his life. It was the only reason he was in college in the first place, to be honest- just so that he and Sam could be close when Sam inevitably went to Stanford. Being so far from his little brother was really hard on him. He couldn't talk to Sam whenever he wanted, couldn't see how he was doing, couldn't make sure he was safe and happy. He just had phone calls every now and then when they would go over the basics, make a joke or two, and then go about the rest of their day.

It wasn't like it was back home; Dean and Sam would wake up together, get ready for school together- Sam would hog the bathroom too long and Dean would pick the lock and call him a pretty boy for primping so much. They went to school together, saw each other between classes, ate lunch together. On days when Dean didn't have football practice, he would hang out at school with his friends or go home and watch TV until it was time to pick Sam up from soccer or Debate Team practice; they would go to the diner and talk about whatever. Dean would pick on Sam for getting a salad, Sam would tell Dean he was going to get fat for only eating burgers and fries- and then they would go home. His mom would cook dinner, and it was always something amazing. John would get home right before dinner, and they would sit at the table and talk about their day.

Life back in Kansas was easy; it was normal and safe. Still, Dean had always had a lingering desire to get out and do something different. He didn’t know what it was exactly he wanted to do, but he knew he wouldn't find it in Lawrence. But life 2,000 miles away was way too unexpected, too different, and he didn't have any of the comforts of back home to keep him grounded.

He was lucky to have Cas, though. He kept his mind off of what he was missing, and turned it onto what he had here. His new life in California wasn’t _all_ bad. Really, his classes weren't too hard. He had decided against going out for the football team this year; turns out, he'd much rather _watch_ a football game than actually participate. He still hung out with his football friends, though; Dean had plenty of friends- he wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, so he never really needed many in the first place. Castiel was awesome, though. He understood Dean better than most people, and didn’t expect or want him to be anything other than himself.

He and Cas hadn't changed at all, really. They hung out as they usually did; nothing had gotten romantic or too much to handle. Whenever one or both of them was in the mood, they would crank up the stereo and take care of business with kisses, licks, and touches that left them happy and sated.

Hands were nice, and Cas was pretty fucking good at what he did, but Dean wanted to take it further; he just hadn't been able to figure out how to introduce the idea yet. He thought about how soft and pliant Cas's lips were, how they got a little swollen when they kissed, and how they glistened when he licked them. Not having his cock between those lips was probably the biggest injustice in the universe. Dean squirmed in his seat again and bit his lip. _Tonight. There's no way I'm not getting it tonight._

The rest of the students in class stirred and began standing up and leaving, so Dean assumed the professor had dismissed class. He sat up and looked at Gordon who was completely knocked out and snoring. He smirked and decided not to wake him up. _That's what you get for being a dick, Walker._

**& &**

**  
** Castiel loved rainy days. He was naturally an inside type of person, and rain gave him an excuse to stay indoors. He could always find a nice book, get comfortable and just sit, read and listen to the rain. It's a soothing sound, repetitive in every way. The rain was always a sure thing; it never lasted forever, but you could always expect it to come back eventually. Cas was too used to things in his life not being that way, so he found comfort in the eternality of the rain.

Generally, his family wasn't a subject Castiel really liked to think about, but he had no choice but to face his memories head-on today because when he got back to the room after classes and checked his email, he found a message in his spam box labeled with an address from which he'd never received messages before. _From: trickster69 ; Subject: long time no see._ Castiel rolled his eyes. He knew exactly who the email was from and was reluctant to open it. Nonetheless, he couldn’t very well ignore the only brother who still claimed him, so he read it.

_“Hey, baby bro! It's been a long time. Almost a year, right? I hope you didn't change your email address, or else I don't know when I'll ever be able to talk to you again._

_Anyways, Mike called me the other day. Said he and his wife don't want us over for Thanksgiving to ruin his house like last year.”_ Castiel rubbed a hand over his face. Last year's Thanksgiving was far from a pleasant memory. _“What a dick, right? Well I know we haven't seen or talked to each other since then, but I'd really like to change that. We can get together for the holiday if you want. Just us two- drinking, being merry, some quality bro time. I know you might not really want to see me after so long, but I'm hoping you're willing to forgive me._

_I miss you, baby bro. If I don't hear back from you, I'll totally understand. But even if you're not ready to meet up again, please just message me back. I need to at least know you're okay._

_Damn that was a sappy ending._

_-Gabriel Novak  
_ _professional trickster/love-maker extraordinaire_

_PS, Have you heard from Anna?”_

Cas sat back and stared blankly at the screen. He really should have figured the day would come when one of his siblings would contact him and ask for forgiveness. Even if he was hoping it would have been one of his other two brothers, Gabriel's was more expected- which wasn't saying much. This completely took him off-guard and old memories forced their way into his head.

 _“…don't want us over for Thanksgiving to ruin their house like last year.”_ So Michael wasn't even going to celebrate the holidays with his siblings at all? Luke was the second oldest, and a raging alcoholic with violent tendencies who was practically homeless in the slums of Chicago, so his place was definitely out of the picture. God knows where Gabriel was living right now. As far as Cas knew, nobody had even heard from Anna in two years. _No Thanksgiving at all this year. I guess that's not very surprising after what happened._

The year prior, Michael had insisted everyone at least try to be civil to one another, even if he was averse to exposing his new house in the suburbs and his beautiful trophy wife to the disaster that is the Novak family. Luke took a month to finally be convinced, Gabriel had agreed to go only if everyone else was going, and Anna couldn't be reached. Castiel was the most hesitant because of the way his family felt about him and how he was treated, but he had allowed himself to hope that they'd changed their minds and would welcome him back with open arms-  _which was probably the dumbest notion I've ever had._

 

When Cas arrived at the airport in Illinois, he got a call from Michael saying he couldn't pick him up. He used some of the little bit of money he had for bus fare and got to Pontiac two hours later. The raised voices could be heard from the driveway leading to the house. After knocking and waiting to be let in for almost five whole minutes, a tall blonde woman- Michelle, he later learned- answered the door wordlessly and rushed him inside with a nervous look on her face before retreating back to the kitchen.

Castiel waited just inside of the door, used to being told what to do and when to do it when he got home. Luke was drunk already, swinging his half-empty beer bottle around with every word. Michael was scorning him for not having any decency to be sober for just these two days- that he didn't have any alcohol in the house and he didn't know where Luke had gotten it. Michael mentioned something Cas didn't hear about their father and Luke threw his bottle at Michael's head. The bottle missed and shattered against the wall, earning a shriek from Michelle from the kitchen.

Michael approached Luke offensively, but Luke stormed out of the house before he could reach him. Michael punched the door and stared angrily at it before turning to glare at Castiel who had still been standing and watching helplessly.

"Well, are you just going to stand there? Damn, Castiel, I swear you are the dumbest fucking kid…" Michael spat at him. Cas flinched at his words. Michael mumbled under his breath and started picking up broken pieces of glass. Castiel did what he used to do when they all lived together: he locked himself in a room and tried to busy himself with books until someone came to get him. Somehow every time he was around his family, he regressed into the scared little kid he was growing up in a turbulent household.

Gabriel had chosen an alternate approach and faced Michael's attitude with his usual passive-aggressive sense of humor. He knew it pissed his brother off, but that was probably why he did it so much. After Castiel heard an hour or two of pointless arguing, Gabriel came to find him, see if he was okay, and continued to talk badly about their oldest brother. They didn't have dinner together that night, and Luke came stumbling in the house in the early hours of the next morning.

Castiel woke up the earliest out of the brothers and ventured to the kitchen. Michelle was cooking and humming to herself- and for a moment, it seemed like he was a part of a normal family. She vaguely reminded Cas of how their mom was when they were younger. _On the good days, anyways._ She greeted him warmly and apologized for the previous night, and he offered to help her cook. They prepped a few dishes together and chatted easily. When Michael came down, the air reverted back to its usual frigidness.

"I see you finally decided to bless us with your presence, Castiel," Michael said flatly as he poured a cup of coffee. Michelle sighed his name pleadingly.

"I, uh- I didn't, um..." Cas stammered out quietly.

"Speak up, boy, or else we might not be able to tell just how stupid you are," Michael sneered. Cas winced and looked away.

Michelle put her bowl down and stared at him effetely. "Michael, please!" The oldest brother excused himself and walked out of the room with his coffee. "I'm so sorry, Castiel, he's-" she whispered sincerely. Cas was still looking down and trying to breathe steadily. He nodded and gave her a feeble smile. She patted him on the hand and resumed cooking.

Thanksgiving dinner that evening wasn't any better. Correction: it was much, much worse. Luke was drunk- as to be expected- but he was silent and brooding in his seat, glaring at his brothers- mostly Michael. Gabriel was trying to lighten the mood by telling a way too personal anecdote. When Michelle laughed nervously, Michael had demanded Gabriel "stop making everyone uncomfortable with his pointless stories." Gabriel made a snide remark with a sarcastic smile and Michael glowered at him.

Michael decided to redirect the conversation to Castiel, who still hadn’t been talking. "So, Castiel, how's life in the _big city_? Is getting away everything you dreamed it would be?" His tone was cold, much as it always was.

Cas spoke cautiously. "Um, it's good. My first roommate dropped out back in September, and they just put me with someone new-"

"What’s he like?” Michelle asked politely. She smiled at him. "What's his name?"

Castiel half-shrugged, absently playing with his food. "Dean. He's okay, I guess. I don't see us becoming too good of friends, but he's nice enough."

Michael laughed humorlessly and shook his head. "Castiel thinking he's above everyone else, as usual," he mumbled. Cas bit his lip and stared at his plate.

Luke snorted into his beer and rolled his eyes. "Wow, I wonder where he got that from."

Michelle dropped her fork on the plate. "Gentlemen, _please_."

"What are you trying to say exactly?" Michael asked, ignoring his wife and boring into Luke challengingly.

Gabriel joined in. "He's saying you're a self-righteous dick."

"We don't need your input, _drop-out_ ," Michael snapped.

"Please stop yelling," Castiel begged quietly, still looking at his lap.

" _You_ have no right to tell us what to do- you're the reason we're all like this. _You're_ the one who tore this family apart!" Michael boomed, standing up and slamming his palms on the table. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and felt hot tears rolling down his cheeks and dropping onto his hands.

"Will you _stop_ bringing that up?! If Dad hadn't left, this never would have happened!" Gabriel shouted, one hand on Castiel's shoulder to comfort him. Cas crossed his arms and collapsed into himself- a habit he'd formed a long time ago.

"That doesn't make it any less Castiel's fault! Hell, he's probably the reason Dad left anyway," Michael yelled. Cas could taste blood on his mouth from biting his lip too hard, but he didn't care. He shut his eyes tighter and started rocking in his seat, hoping it would all go away. He rubbed his sweater-covered wrists and tried to ignore the sharp aching in veins. Michael laughed bitterly again. "But I gotta say, with Luke here, it's like Dad never left at all."

Luke shot up out of his seat and slapped his plate off of the table, sending it flying across the room and crashing on the floor. Michelle yelped and rushed to clean it up. Gabriel wrapped his arm tighter around Castiel's shaking shoulders and whispered in his ear for him to ignore it. Luke stormed out and threw a lamp at the wall before slamming the door behind him as he left.

Just an hour later, Castiel was waiting nervously by the door with his bag as Gabriel apologized to Michelle and offered to give her what little cash he did have for whatever damage they'd caused. She declined and understood their desire to leave early. Gabriel drove him to the airport in silence where he bid Cas a solemn good-bye and promised to get up with him when he could.

They hadn't talked since then. No Christmas gifts, letters, emails or calls were exchanged. Castiel stayed in his dorm over the holiday break, working every day and rereading some of his favorite books. No friends around, no family, nobody to keep his mind out of the dark places it so often slipped into; completely alone...

 

When Cas's memories were about to run wild, he heard the door open. "Hey, Cas," Dean greeted. Castiel slammed the top of his laptop down hurriedly and wiped his cheeks, trying to compose himself. He turned around and gave Dean a weak smile. "What's wrong?"

Cas shook his head and waved a hand. "Oh, it's the rain. Weather, um... Weather fluctuations," he said as he sniffed.

Dean shrugged it off and nodded. "Yeah, this weather sucks." Dean shook the water out of his hair and took off his wet leather jacket. "It stopped raining on my way here, though. Wanna do something?"

Cas chuckled. "As much as I'd like to, I'm really not in the mood-"

Dean laughed and cut him off. "No, I mean, like, actually do something. Like go to the movies?"

Cas furrowed his brow and tilted his head. "Wouldn't that be kind of a... date?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart. I'm craving popcorn, and the dollar rerun theater is playing _Friday the 13th_ tonight. So, you wanna go or not?"

 _If he says it's just a movie, it's just a movie. It couldn't hurt._ "Yeah, sure."

Around 8 o'clock, Cas put his jacket on and reached for his umbrella. "You don't need that," Dean told him.

"It's been raining all day," Cas replied questioningly.

Dean peered outside and studied the sky. "Well it stopped a couple of hours ago, and it doesn't look like it's going to start back up again." He turned around and smiled at Cas. "Trust me." Cas put the umbrella back and they left the dormitory.

"You know, you say that a lot," Cas observed as they started walking toward the theater. The air was humid and gross, their feet constantly stepping in puddles and making their socks damp.

Dean looked over at him. "Say what?"

"'Trust me.'" Cas buried his hands in his jacket pockets and kept his eyes forward. If Dean wasn't going to watch where they were going, he was going to have to. "If you keep saying it, I'm probably going to start thinking you're just trying to get me to do whatever you want."

Dean smirked at him. "So I just gotta tell you to trust me and you'll do anything I want?" 

"Shut up, Dean." Cas huffed out a laugh and rolled his eyes at Dean's cocky wink. 

Dean sent Castiel to find a pair of seats for them while he bought the snacks. Cas chose two seats in the very back- which wasn't very far back at all, seeing as the "theater" was just basically a room with 20something chairs and a projector in the middle of the room separating the sides. _Nobody ever said we didn't get our money's worth._ When Dean came into the room, he was carrying a large soda, a large popcorn, and two boxes of candy. He was walking hesitantly in an attempt to not drop anything, and smiling like this was the happiest day of his life.

"Did you get enough food?" 

Dean grinned even wider and arranged himself comfortably in his seat. "You can never have enough movie food, Cas."

Cas grinned and slouched back in his seat. "Sure."

"You can't, dude, it's just a fact," he retorted as he stuffed a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"I can't wait until the day you wake up with a gut," Cas said.

Dean made a mocking face at him and kept eating. "It's okay to be jealous," he teased with a mouth full of food. Cas wordlessly shook his head with a smile, and turned his attention to the screen. By the time the movie started, there were only two couples and a group of guys scattered among the seats.

Dean had apparently seen this movie enough times to be able to recite it almost word for word. He was mumbling under his breath through mouthfuls of food and drink. " _Dean_ ," he hissed. Cas sent him an incredulous look.

Dean glanced at him. "What?" Cas raised his eyebrows to get his point across. Dean shook his head dumbly.

"Stop talking," Cas whispered. Dean rolled his eyes and threw a piece of popcorn at Cas's face. "Hey!" He picked the piece up from where it fell on his shirt and ate it. "At least make it in my mouth next time... butthead."

"I plan on it," he whispered with a wink. 

Cas could feel his face redden and immediately looked away. Cas licked and bit his bottom lip self-consciously. "Stop talking and watch the movie," he mumbled. Cas crossed his arms and focused on the screen. _What did he mean by that? Is he talking about his dick? Maybe he’s just talking about popcorn._ He glanced at Dean from his peripheral vision again, and Dean licked his grinning lips, still looking at Cas. Cas returned his attention to the screen. _Oh god, he’s talking about his dick._ He tried to ignore the thoughts and focus on the movie.

Dean shut up for the most part until there was about 30 minutes left of the movie. Cas was slouching pretty far down in his seat, barely holding his head up enough to rest it on the back of the seat away from Dean. Dean had eaten all of his food ( _Seriously_ _, how can someone eat so much and still have a nice body?)_ and was leaning away from Cas. Cas felt a warm hand sneak under the armrests and land on his thigh.

He looked down at the hand nervously and back up at Dean who was still watching the screen. The hand started running up and down his thigh slowly, dipping to the inside and back out. "Dean," Cas whispered in warning.

Dean didn't look away from the screen and kept his face blank. "Stop talking and watch the movie," he murmured. Cas looked around the theater to see if anyone could see them. Nobody was looking in their direction, so he settled back in his seat and buried his face in his hand. Dean moved his hand to the inside of his thigh again and up to his crotch. Cas inhaled sharply and tried to focus on anything other than that hand. Dean left it still and gentle for a few moments before pressing his palm to the growing bulge. Cas could feel the blood rush to his groin and his eyes rolled back momentarily.

Castiel bit down on his finger and covered his mouth. Dean worked his fingers at the bottom of his crotch while massaging his palm over Cas's clothed dick. Cas subconsciously began rutting up his hips into the touch and breathing heavily. "I'm never watching a movie with you again," he promised quietly. Dean's lips spread with a smug smirk and rewarded Cas with a firmer rub. " _Fuck..._  I hate you so much."

"Obviously." Cas rolled his eyes and chewed on his lip as he tried to fight back a moan. Dean dipped his hand all the way down the seam of his crotch and worked it back up firmly. Cas bucked his hips forward and sucked in a sharp breath. The screen went black, and Cas stood up quickly. "In a hurry, Cas?"

"Get your shit and let's go. _Now_ ," he growled.

Dean bit his lip and smiled wolfishly. "Mm, I get all tingly when you take control like that." Cas rolled his eyes and walked briskly out of the room to wait at the door for Dean to throw away his trash in a painfully slow, deliberate way. Dean gave him a knowing look before moseying his way over to Cas. Silently, Cas prayed for forgiveness for any future homicides he might commit involving a certain ass named Dean Winchester.

Cas shifted on his feet anxiously, trying not to seem like he was obviously rock hard under the confines of his jeans. A couple walked by and glanced at him with confused expressions; he gave them a fake smile and didn't make eye contact. Dean finally caught up with him, and Cas pushed him out of the door. Rain was pouring down relentlessly, soaking them both.

"I told you I should've brought my umbrella!" Cas shouted over the rain.

Dean grinned at him. "Wanna race back to the room?" Cas smiled in response and immediately shoved Dean before taking off at a sprint in the direction of their dormitory.

"Asshole!" Dean shouted. Stomping in puddles and mud gracelessly, the two ran as fast as they could. People under umbrellas walking on the sidewalk stared at them as they leaped out of their way to avoid collisions. They reached the door to the dormitory at the same time, and Cas pushed Dean out of the way and got in the door first, darting for the stairs. "Foul! That's a foul!" Dean yelled after him. Cas giggled and ran into the stairwell.

He climbed up them fast, briefly slipping on a step. Dean was a couple of steps behind him and bounded them two at a time. Cas reached the floor's doorway first and sprinted to their room, dodging two other guys in the hallway. "Sorry!" He apologized in passing. Dean didn't do so well in avoiding the people and bumped into one of them clumsily, murmuring apologies over his shoulder. Cas hurried to unlock the door and laughed breathlessly. He got it unlocked and open at the same time Dean reached the door, and Cas got pushed inside from behind.

Dean slammed the door and locked it behind him before turning the stereo on. Cas hastily threw his jacket off and stepped out of his shoes simultaneously. Dean took the notion and tossed his jacket aside. He bent down to hurriedly take off his shoes and socks and stumbled. They both laughed, and Cas lifted his heavy shirt off and stared at Dean with hooded eyes. Dean licked his lips and took his shirt off as well. Dean made quick work of unbuttoning his jeans and shoved them down, stumbling around to slide them off of his calves. Castiel chuckled and peeled his jeans off as well. As soon as both of the pants were discarded in wet piles, Dean crossed the room and grabbed Cas's face, bringing him in for a frantic, rough kiss.

Cas parted his lips on Dean's to get words out quietly. "I really-" kiss "-fucking-" kiss "-hate you." Dean grinned and kissed him harder, moving his hands down Cas's sides and settling on his hips, pulling their damp bodies together. Cas gripped Dean's shoulders tightly, rutting his incredibly hard clothed erection against Dean's. He let out a soft moan into the kiss. "I mean it-" kiss "-such an-" kiss "-asshole." Dean surged his hips forward and went to move his hands under Cas's ass to lift him up, but Cas stopped him.

Dean looked at him questioningly as he stood there with a heaving chest. "What?" Cas briefly chewed on his own lip and pushed Dean onto his bed. Dean stared at him with wide, wondering eyes as he sprung briefly on his mattress. Cas climbed on top of him on his hands and knees and brought their lips together. "So hot, Cas-" kiss "- _fuck_." Cas slotted their hips together and began rocking.

He groaned again; he needed to do _something_ if he didn't want to just rut against Dean until they both came in their underwear. He pulled away from the kiss and looked down at Dean. Dean brought his hand up to the side of Cas's face and ran a thumb over his bottom lip while he stared at it with want. Cas instinctively peeked his tongue out and licked Dean’s thumb. _Oh God, this is happening. This is happening._ He knew what Dean wanted, and he didn't want to chicken out now (no matter what the sirens going off in his brain were telling him). He nodded resolutely to Dean- or to himself, he wasn’t sure.

Cas kissed Dean's lips briefly before leaning down and pressing kisses and licks to Dean's neck. He kissed his collarbone and sucked the beginning of a bruise on Dean's chest. Dean let out a contented sigh and went to reach for Cas's head. Cas sat up quickly and straddled Dean's hips. Dean looked bewildered as Castiel grabbed Dean's wrists and held them above his head. "If I'm doing this, _I'm_ doing this," he murmured in Dean's ear. Cas sat back up to look at Dean in the hopes he understood. Dean nodded and pressed a chaste kiss to Castiel's lips- probably to soothe him.

Castiel reached his face back down to Dean's chest and licked at his nipple before sucking another faint mark on his sternum. He situated himself between Dean's legs and kissed down his stomach and met his eyes nervously, but still trying to look confident. "If I let go of your wrists, will you keep them up here?" Dean nodded silently. "Trust you, right?" He grinned and brought his hands to Dean's hips over his damp boxers. He ran his hands up and down the planes around Dean's straining cock and stared at it.

"Cas?" Dean piped up brokenly. He rested on his elbows to watch him.

Cas let out a deep breath. "I can do this. Right? It can't be that hard." Dean scoffed at the wording and Cas rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah... Yeah- uh, just do whatever you know you like getting done to you," Dean said.

"Well, I'm not sucking my own dick here," he mumbled. Dean huffed a laugh that was replaced with a hiss when Cas yanked down his boxers. His dick slapped up against his stomach, and Cas peeled the boxers the rest of the way down his legs. Cas took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly. _You can do this. "Just do whatever you know you like getting done to you." That's easy enough, right?_

He tentatively grabbed the base of Dean's cock, earning a deep sigh from the man underneath him. "Yeah," Dean whispered. Castiel was grounded by his voice and regained some of his confidence. He met Dean's eyes as he pressed a kiss to the head of his cock experimentally. Some precome had gathered there, and it dampened his lips. He licked it off of his mouth, and Dean whimpered at the sight before letting his head fall back. It didn't taste bad, and seeing the reaction from Dean, he decided to go for it. He wrapped his lips around the head of Dean's shaft and swirled his tongue around it. Dean took another ragged breath and brought his head back up to look at Cas. Cas took Dean deeper into his mouth, and he massaged the underside of his dick with his tongue. Cas slowly began to bob his head and take a little more down with each drop of his head. "Fuck, Cas, you're-" Dean ran one of his hands up his face and over his hair. "God, you're so fucking perfect."

Cas hummed a thanks and couldn't hold back a tiny smirk, and another moan was ripped from Dean when he did it. He pulled his mouth off and stroked him from the top to the base to spread the wetness. Cas kissed over Dean's hipbones as he stroked his dick, eliciting pleased hums from him. He licked Dean's cock back into his mouth and began to suck, moving his hand up and down to meet where his mouth couldn't. "Cas, I'm- _hnng_ ," he bit his lip. Castiel looked up at him before swallowing him down deeper. He came back up and pressed his tongue to the slit under the head of his dick. Dean's hips began to buck up slightly. "Cas- Cas, God. I'm close- are you gonna-?"

Cas hummed his reply and reached into his boxers and began to stroke himself. He'd already been so close for so long, leaking onto the cloth restraining him. He began bobbing his head faster, in time with his own strokes, and his tongue resumed its massaging rhythm to the underside of Dean's cock. They both groaned together, and Dean closed his eyes. "Shit, Cas- mm, you're so good- _fuck yeah_ \- like that," he breathed. Cas made a last-second decision to commit to this, so when he felt Dean's hips stutter and his thighs tremble, he closed his mouth tighter around him and swallowed around Dean's length as Dean came. "Cas! Oh- _my_ \- God," he stuttered.

Cas swallowed what he could and with a few more strokes, he came over his own hand. When Dean's hips stopped gyrating, Cas licked up his length slowly to clean him off. Dean watched him with hooded eyes, and Cas grinned at him. When he finished licking Dean's shaft, Cas lifted his own fingers to his mouth to wipe off the rest and sucked on them. Dean groaned with a twitch from his stomach. "Jesus _fucking_ Christ, Cas."

Cas sat up on his knees and licked his lips, still getting used to the taste. "Was it-?"

"Dude, that was awesome." Dean sat up on his elbow and mussed up Cas's messy, wet hair. Cas scrunched his nose and smiled. "Seriously."  

"Well, no one ever said I don't always try my best," Cas joked as he got up.

"That's for damn sure."

Castiel grabbed a towel from his dresser when he remembered something he mentioned earlier. "I can, by the way."

Dean sat up straighter and gave him a questioning look. "Can what?"

"Suck my own dick," he said simply. Dean didn't say anything, so Cas looked at him to imply his seriousness.

Dean fell onto his back and laughed breathlessly. "Oh, man, I gotta see that when I get back on Sunday," he mentioned. Dean shook his head and chuckled again. "You're somethin' else, you know that?"

He smiled and shrugged innocently. _My first blowjob was a success._ Cas shook his head in disbelief. _My first blowjob._ He shrugged again inwardly. _Not a bad way to spend a rainy day._


	8. October 15-21, 2013

The library was packed in preparation for the forthcoming midterms. Despite being in a giant building crammed full of people panicking and pushing themselves to the brink, the library was hauntingly quiet- campus had a way of feeling ominous sometimes.

Their group was lucky to get a table; they just happened to get there at the right time, and scrounged up six unused seats to pull up to a free table. That was four hours ago, and they still hadn't moved from their spots. Needless to say, morale was slipping. "Tell me the significance of the Battle of Midway," Cas grumbled into the pages of his book.

Around the table was Dean, slouched over his books and his head only being held up by a supporting arm as his eyes fluttered shut every minute or so; in the next seat was Castiel, whose head was lying in the crease of a reference book with his eyes closed. Ash was on Dean's other side, leaning back and twisting a pencil in his fingers. A frantic Chuck was in the other seat next to Castiel, hopped up on caffeine and nerves and flipping through the pages of his notes. Rounding it up for the group, Charlie had her head resting on Jo's shoulder, Jo's arm around her and playing with the red hair lazily. "Dean," Cas grunted pointedly.

Dean's head bobbed up suddenly. "Yeah."

Cas yawned, licking his lips and making that history book look particularly comfortable. "The Battle of Midway- tell me about it."

Dean sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Uh, it was in... Japan. And it was… the turning point? Right?"

"Yep, okay someone else go."

"No no no, keep asking me questions, I'm fine," Dean pleaded. "Come on, you guys are all smart. I need this."

"You're not stupid, Dean," Jo responded as her face widened into a tired smile. "Well, I mean, you're stupid, but you're not _stupid_ stupid." Charlie snorted a laugh from her place wrapped in Jo's arms.

Dean made a face at Jo. "Thank you very much for that." Jo tipped her head in acknowledgment. Dean turned his attention back to Cas. "Please?"

"Fine,” Cas said with a sigh. “What was the naval strategy the US used to attack Japan?"

Dean looked at his book and flipped through the pages. "Uh…" _Shit._ He couldn't find anything about it, so he tried to remember. _Naval strategy. Japan? Fuck._ "Pearl Harbor?"

Cas opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Chuck. "It's _island hopping_ , you... _meathead._ This is high school review!" Chuck snapped.

Cas's head shot up and stared at him in disbelief. "Jesus, Chuck-"

"Listen here, you little shit," Dean growled as he slammed one hand on the table and pointed at Chuck intimidatingly. "I need this study time for a reason, and I don't need your mouth or pathetic attitude to make me feel worse than I already do." Dean leaned over Cas and into Chuck's space. "I am much _much_ bigger than you, and I will _not_ hesitate to jump over this table and beat that shitty excuse for a beard _right_ off your face, you got that?" Chuck was visibly shaking and stared up at Dean in wordless desperation. " _You got that?_ " Dean barked. Chuck nodded frantically and looked away.

Dean kept glowering at him until he felt a hand tug on his shirtsleeve, coaxing him to sit back down. He looked down at the hand and up to Cas's worried face. Cas raised his eyebrows and darted his eyes around pointedly. Dean looked around him to notice a couple of people staring at him. He avoided looking any of them in the eye. "Sorry." He sat down and went back to looking at his book.

"You okay, bro?" Charlie asked, sitting up.

Dean nodded. "I'm fine. I'm just..." Dean rubbed his fingers into his eyes tiredly, and felt Cas rub his shoulder for a brief, soothing moment. "Just really stressed out right now."

"You need a break, Dean" Jo suggested. "We all do."

"Seconded," Ash agreed, raising his pencil up.

"No, guys, just- I'm not ready," Dean pleaded.

"Dean-"

"I said I'm not ready!" Dean snapped, feeling his face burning up. He put his face in his hands with a sigh.

Jo looked around him to the people who’d turned their attention to their group. "Is there a problem? You wanna say something?" Her voice was challenging the people who met her eyes. When no response came, she nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Let's get some grub, man. We can come back after we recoup," Ash offered. Dean nodded weakly, and Ash clapped him on the back.

"I'm _starving_ ," Jo said as she gathered her stuff together. Chuck scurried off to put away their borrowed textbooks, and Dean stayed in his seat for a while longer, trying to relax. Ash, Jo and Charlie started chatting, and he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Dean turned his head as Cas leaned in closer. "I can help you study tonight," Cas suggested in a low murmur. The words were simple, but the tone of his voice suggested something else, and an interested shiver ran up Dean's spine.

"Oh yeah? What'd you have in mind?" Dean returned with a smirk. 

Cas leaned back with a small deliberate shrug. "I have some ideas." Cas stood up and gave Dean a look they usually reserved for behind closed doors, the corners of his lips tilting up into the faintest of smirks and his eyes glossing down to Dean's mouth.

Dean bit down on a huffed laugh and put his backpack on. "I've got a few ideas of my own," Dean mumbled, leaning back into Cas's space as they walked closer to their friends who had already made their way to the doors. Cas fought back a knowing grin and looked at the ground.

"Can you guys stop making oogly eyes at each other for two minutes?" Jo jibed as she crossed her arms. "Because I'm hungry, and I'd really like to stuff my face now."

 _I know a face I'd like to stuff._ He laughed inwardly before shaking the thought out of his head. _That was probably the_ dumbest _thing I have ever thought._ "Shut up," he told her as they started walking out.

Charlie turned around to face the rest of the library as they were leaving. "Peace out, bitches!" she said loudly, sticking her middle fingers up to the other students.

Dean grinned and turned to Cas. "She's like the little sister I never wanted.”

On their way to the dining hall, Dean joked around with the girls. He didn’t take notice of Castiel falling back behind the group and walking alone in silence. When they got their food, Dean took the seat next to Cas- momentarily growling at Chuck when he tried to sit there first.

"Hey, someone throw me some questions while we eat," Dean suggested after they all took their seats.

" _Dean_ ," Cas whined. "We've been studying for hours now, on top of the time we spent studying yesterday." Dean pouted out his lower lip and batted his eyelashes. Cas huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes. " _Fine_. Alright, what was the incident that started America's involvement in the war?"

"Okay,  _that_ _'s_ Pearl Harbor, right?" He answered around a mouth full of mac and cheese. Cas nodded silently as he chewed his own food.

"Y'know, we should take wagers," Jo suggested after she swallowed a bite of her apple.

"What kinda wagers?" Ash responded.

"On whether or not Dean'll pass and higher stakes for a specific grade," she replied, raising an eyebrow to Dean. "I'll go ahead and bet $10 you get a D on your history exam."

Dean gave her an offended look. "A D? Please! I could _totally_ get a C."

"At the very least," Cas interjected, like he was just as offended. "I'm helping him, and so are all of you, so why wouldn't he get a good grade?"

"I'm putting my $10 with Jo," Chuck added quietly. Dean glared at him, and Cas just put his hand on Dean's arm in warning.

"Well, I believe in you, Dean. $20 bets you get higher than a C," Charlie said.

Jo looked at her with a smirk and a questioning eyebrow raise. "Oh, you're betting against me now?"

"Oh yeah," Charlie returned challengingly. "We're gonna whoop your _ass_ , baby." The girls exchanged playfully menacing looks in such a cute way, it kinda made Dean want to hurl.

"Well, I'm in. You know I can't resist a good bet." Ash picked at the food on his plate easily. "But I'm broke, so I'll bet you a dimebag in your favor."

"Well thank you two anyways," Dean mumbled towards Charlie and Ash sarcastically.

Cas seemed to be mulling an idea over quietly. "I'll bet $50 that he gets an A," Cas finally said. Everyone turned to him in stunned silence, but his certainty didn't waver.

Dean stared at him with his mouth hanging open. "Seriously?"

Cas shrugged nonchalantly. “There's no reason why you couldn't get an A. You have two geniuses who are here to back you up," he explained, pointing to Charlie and Ash who beamed in response. "You have _me_ practically around the clock. Plus, there's a whole week until your exam. I'm positive we can get an A out of you."

" _Somehow I'll make a man out of you!_ " Charlie sang loudly. They laughed, not bothered by the extra attention from the surrounding tables. "Hells yeah, man. You bitches are goin'  _down_!" Chuck rolled his eyes, and Jo stuck her tongue out at Charlie.

As the group made light conversation, Dean glanced over to Cas who was silently pushing the food around on his plate. Judging by the almost undetectable smile on his lips, Cas _looked_ like he was happy enough, but Dean could tell his mind was miles away.

"Hey, you okay?" Dean asked quietly, leaning into Cas's space.

Cas found his way out of whatever daze he was in and gave Dean a weak smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure? You look…" Dean peered at Cas's face like he might be able to figure it out by looking. "-distracted or something."

Cas opened his mouth to say something, but Jo unintentionally cut him off short. "Hey, loverboys, wanna join us for a game out on the quad? Chuck's ducking out."

"Please don't call us that," Cas returned with an unamused tone. "And no, I think I just need to take a nap."

Everyone else turned to Dean expectantly. "Uh, yeah. Just for a little bit. I still have to go to work at 4." They all stood up and put their trays in the dirty dish area. Charlie and Jo walked ahead with their arms wrapped around each other next to Ash. Dean saw Cas start walking the other way towards the dorms, and he hurriedly caught up with him. "Hey," Dean called out. Cas put his hands in his coat pockets and turned around to wait for Dean. "You sure you're okay, man?"

Cas let out a tight-lipped sigh, and looked at Dean appreciatively. "I'm fine, Dean. I'm just tired," he explained. Dean still wasn't very convinced. "I promise. Go have fun." Finally reassuring himself that Cas would tell him if something was up, he let Cas leave and caught up with the rest of his friends.

 

**& &**

 

Castiel dragged himself into the room and flopped down onto the bed. He certainly hadn't necessarily been lying to Dean, but he also wasn’t being entirely truthful. Cas was tired- more tired than he had been in a long time. Sure, he was happy and content with everything lately: he was having fun with Dean and the rest of his friends, his classes were going more smoothly, and he didn't have to deal with Zachariah almost at all lately. Midterms were notoriously stressful- especially for someone taking four rather difficult classes- so he could just be exhausted from the overexertion.

It wasn't just the impending midterms, though. Cas had let himself get sucked back into the black hole that was his family, not really able to find his way out of the bottomless pit of memories. The tension between Chuck and Dean earlier reminded him of the tension between Michael and Luke. Obviously, it wasn’t anywhere near as serious, but Cas hadn't ever been good at recuperating after a fight. He found it easier to escape to solitude and calm down instead of dealing with his anxiety in public.

Cas took a deep breath and ran his hands down from his face and rested them on his stomach, staring at the ceiling. He still hadn't emailed Gabriel back. It wasn't as if he didn’t miss his brother- of course he missed the only brother who really ever cared about him- but he just didn’t know if he could handle Gabriel being around his life in California. Cas knew that Novak problems were best suited to live and die in Illinois where they belong. What if his friends found out why his whole family hated him? Cas wouldn't have anyone then because there was no doubt that everyone he knew would turn against him.

He'd have to drop out- what's he supposed to do without a degree? Maybe he'd start selling his body on the streets. Become hopelessly addicted to heroin and die alone in a cardboard box at the age of 24. Burn in the fiery pits of damnation for all of eternity.

Cas knew the thought was probably on the side of an overreaction, but that didn't exactly get him to stop worrying. _Then again, Gabriel_ is _the only one who hasn't totally rejected me, and he seems to genuinely want to make up. He doesn't deserve to be ignored just because I'm afraid of what my friends might think._  

Decisively, Castiel sat up and brought his laptop over to his bed. He reopened the email and read it twice more before deciding what he wanted to say. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he began typing.

_"Gabriel,_

_I'm glad to hear from you; it has been a long time. College is going very well, thank you._

_I can't say I blame Michael for not wanting a repeat of last year. I think Novaks just aren't the type for family gatherings. As I'm sure you can guess, I haven't talked to anyone since last Thanksgiving. To be honest, I can't say I'm terribly disappointed about not seeing them._

_I would be okay with you visiting for the holiday, if you really wanted to come. Like most students, Dean will be home for the break, so if you need a place to sleep, his bed will be available._

_It was nice to hear from you, and I hope you're doing well._

_-Castiel_

_PS: No, I haven't heard from her either. Unfortunately, I doubt the status of her absence is going to change in the foreseeable future."_

Cas sat back and reread his email over and over. His finger rested on the send button hesitantly, still debating on whether or not to actually press it. When the door opened suddenly and startled him, his finger clicked.

The email sent in the blink of an eye, and he stared at the screen in shock. "Hey, what's up?" Dean asked after he walked in and got a bottle of water. Cas didn't notice him, unable to tear his eyes away from his laptop. _Gabriel is coming here._ " _Yo_ ," Dean added with a wave of his hand in front of Cas's line of vision.  "Earth to Cas."

 _I suppose this is for the best. I would have deleted it if I didn't really want to send it._ He shook his head and blinked at Dean, completely unaware of what he'd said. "What?"

Dean drank from his water bottle. "You good?"

"Um, yes. I... I accidentally lost a file, but I found it." Dean accepted the answer with a nod. "So, how was your game?"

"Dude, it was so much fun- you should've been there. It was me and Charlie against Ash and Jo, so naturally, we kicked some serious ass," Dean bloated cheerily, and Cas smiled at his enthusiasm. "I actually think Ash might've gotten hurt when Charlie tackled him." Dean paused for emphasis. " _Full speed_."

"You were playing tackle football in the courtyard?"

"Nah, we were playing Frisbee, but Charlie's pretty competitive."

Cas laughed out loud. "Well, if there's anyone who could've been your long-lost sister, it's definitely her." Dean nodded in agreement.

"So… this _idea_ you had..." He swayed a little on his heels, trying to look coy. "You wanna do it before or after I go to work?" Dean asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Cas rolled his eyes and opened the file of an assignment he needed to finish. "As irresistible as that proposition is," he started monotonously, keeping his attention on his computer. "-I'd rather do it after you get off work. One, you smell like ass-" Dean scoffed in mock offense. "-And two, what I want to do might take a little bit more than an hour- depending on participation, of course."

Dean quirked an eyebrow. "That so?" Cas nodded, typing on his computer nonchalantly. "What is it?"

"Now, Dean, you know I can't tell you, or else you might skip work just to study."

"Will studying help me in this little _thing_ of yours?" Dean asked.

Cas finally looked up gave him a humble shrug. "It couldn't hurt. Anyways, I'm not telling you anything else." Dean opened his mouth to object, so Cas turned his attention back to his laptop. "Go shower. I wasn't kidding when I said you smelled like ass."

Dean huffed indignantly. " _You smell like ass_ ," he mumbled as he walked into the bathroom. Cas shook his head and smiled.

 

**& &**

 

"I need you boys to work on that van over there for me today," Rufus explained, motioning towards an old, rusty 1978 Volkswagen Bus that had been sitting in the back of the spare parts lot since before Dean started there. If the faded, chipped exterior paint and lack of tires or working engine were anything to go by, Dean would assume the van had been rotting there since the 80s. Dean accepted the task and looked over at Gordon who looked less than thrilled.

"I highly doubt anybody just decided to drop it off for repairs," Gordon remarked with his arms crossed. Dean tried to shoot him a look, but his friend wasn't paying him any mind.

"You're gonna work on it 'cause I said to work on it," Rufus directed, his tone teetering on annoyed.

Gordon rolled his eyes. "Whatever, old man," he mumbled.

Rufus raised his eyebrows and stared at him. "Boy, I hired you because you're Dean's friend. Now... I like Dean, alright. He's a good kid, and he said you really needed a job," the older man said carefully, giving Gordon those crazy eyes that can only be given by people who've seen some shit. "But I swear: I will not hesitate to send your whiny ass packin' if you disrespect me one more time. You got that?" Gordon pursed his lips and nodded. "Good. Now get to work."

Dean picked up the large toolbox and hauled it over to the van. "Dude, what's your problem? I went out of my way to help you out here. I don't need your attitude getting me on his bad side, too."

Gordon pushed the jack under the van and pumped it higher. "I'm sorry, man, but I just don't see the point in doing work that doesn't need to be done."

Dean crawled under where the van was lifted and put the jack stands in place. "It's called a job."

"I'm not an idiot; I know how jobs work. I'm having some problems, and I'm just not feelin' it today."

"What kinda problems?" Dean waited for Gordon to release the car jack and pull it away.

"Ruby." Dean looked at him questioningly. Gordon rolled his eyes. "You know, blonde hair, smart mouth?"

"I know who Ruby is. What's your beef with her?" Dean rolled a tire over to the back wheels and began to put it on by himself.

"I don't know... We've been- y'know- like, just fucking around, and… Man, I don't know." Dean held out his hand for Gordon to hand him the bolt drill.

Dean shot him a skeptical look. "You're dating _Ruby_?"

"No. We're just messing around. No-strings-attached kinda deal." Dean hummed understandingly, keeping his attention on the task at hand.  _Sounds familiar._ "Shit, you wouldn't know what I'm talking about. Couldn't even pull a hit-it-and-quit-it with Lisa. You must be one of those… _sensitive guys_ ," he teased.

"What's wrong with not being a complete tool and not wanting to straight-up hurt a nice girl's feelings?" Dean scoffed and stood up as he finished. "I don't think that makes me sensitive as it just makes me a regular human being."

Gordon leaned against the van ( _which you are_ not  _supposed to do with jack stands holding it up_ ) as Dean began putting a tire on the other bald wheel. "Maybe it's just women you can't seem to hook up with."

Dean whipped his head around to stare at Gordon. "Dude, are you kidding me? I've slept with twice as many women as you have-" That may or may not be a lie, but Dean stuck with it anyways. "Plus, I've probably had more women come back for more just because I'm that good." Dean felt like he should probably stop, but he knew there was more. It was like word vomit. "Not to mention I'm not as big of an asshole to them you are. So, yeah, I think I'm better with women."

Gordon smirked in silence, pleased with himself for getting a rise out of Dean. Dean shook his head. "Seriously, I don't get it. It's like every day you have some new gay joke for me, and I don't know why," Dean said. "Unless you're trying to get in my pants, in which case, I don't swing that way."

"There's always an exception," Gordon mumbled, loudly enough for Dean to hear.

"You're not my type," Dean said smugly.

Gordon chuckled quietly. "Never said it was me."

"Man, you are _really_ about ten seconds away from getting this wrench smashed into your ugly-ass face," Dean warned, pointing the tool at the other man. Gordon put his hands up in mock surrender. "You want my advice or not?" Gordon shrugged like he was indifferent, which Dean knew meant he wanted Dean's opinion. "Alright, then. If y'all are just messin' around, what's the big deal? Seems like a pretty nice situation."

"It's just weird. She's my _friend_ , and that's really not a good decision." _It's a_ great _decision. You must be doing something wrong._ "Like, what if she starts fucking other guys? Will I get mad? Will she get mad if I fuck other girls? What if she starts to have feelings for me?"

"I don't think I'd worry about that happening," Dean mumbled.

Gordon kicked him in the side. "Come on, man, seriously."

"Alright, well, did you set out rules before doing this?" Dean asked. Gordon shook his head and started to speak. "Hear me out first before you keep yapping your jaws. If you want to keep hooking up, make some rules. That's what me and C-" Dean stopped and cleared his throat before correcting himself. "- _Lisa_ did." _Nailed it._  "Make it clear. No getting feelings, decide whether or not y'all can hook up with other people, and- hell, dude, I don't know, just make sure you both know what you want. Ruby's a pretty independent chick who can make her own decisions, and I don't think you need to worry about her being clingy or demanding a relationship."

"I guess you're right. I just have this weird feeling that if something happens, we won't be friends afterwards." _Won't be friends afterwards… That's not going to happen, right? I mean, we made rules specifically for that reason._ "Whatever, man. At least that pussy's worth it- you know what I'm sayin'?"

Dean laughed and shook his head. "You're a fuckin' pig, Walker, you know that?" Gordon shrugged with a smile. After that, Gordon carried on pointless, light conversation to which Dean didn't pay much attention. His mind was preoccupied, buzzing with a whole lot of questions, and absolutely no answers.

 

**& &**

 

Castiel was studying for his own midterms when Dean came back from work. Cas had always been relatively good at tests if he wasn't distracted, so he wasn't too worried about studying hard. He knew Dean needed the time more than he did, so Cas had no qualms about spending so much of his time helping Dean study.

Dean sighed and flopped down on Cas's bed beside his legs. Cas kept looking at his notes, pretending to ignore him. Dean watched Cas and sighed louder in an attempt to get his attention. Castiel fought back a smile well and kept his focus away from Dean. " _Cas_ ," he whined. Dean started wiggling and made a frustrated noise.

"Tantrums do not become of you, Dean," Cas said. Dean chuckled and reached up to push Cas's glasses higher up on his nose. Cas laughed and swatted Dean's hand away. "What are you even doing?"

"Just like those glasses, is all," he replied easily. Cas rolled his eyes skeptically. "I do!" Cas's expression didn't waver. "Let me try 'em on." Cas silently handed over his glasses and blinked rapidly, rolling his eyes around to adjust. Dean laughed at what Cas was sure was a very ridiculous face as he put on the glasses. Cas watched Dean try to adjust to the prescription. "Holy  _shit_ you're blind."

"Shut up." Cas lightly pushed on Dean's shoulder, and Dean shook his head with a smile.

"Seriously, man, how do you even get around?"

Cas glared at him as Dean looked around the room with wide eyes. The glasses made his features look sharper, made the green of his eyes really stand out. "They look good on you," Cas noted.

Dean's lips danced around a barely concealed smile. "Yeah?" Cas nodded. "They look better on you." He took them off and handed them back to Castiel. Cas began to fold them up and put them away, but Dean stopped him. "You should keep them on."

Cas quirked an eyebrow at him. "I should? Do you have a fetish I should know about?"

"No, I just honestly don't think you'll be able to see me without them," Dean teased.

Cas scoffed as he moved his books to the floor. He saw the anticipating grin spread on Dean's face as he sat up on his elbows and watched Cas put his glasses back on. "I guess they do sort of go with my plan," he said lower as he moved closer to Dean.

"Oh yeah?" Dean replied. Cas nodded as he moved his hands over to Dean's thighs. He heard Dean's breath hitch as he quickly pulled Dean's legs over and situated him with his head at the foot of Cas's bed.

Dean let his already-bowed legs fall open so Cas could settle between them. Cas made to press a kiss to Dean's lips, but he stopped short and watched Dean let out a slightly frustrated sigh. He smirked and leaned into Dean's ear. “First, let’s go over the rules.”

“Oh, like, sexy rules?” Dean asked with a suggestive grin.

Cas lowered his voice. " _The rules_ are: for every question you get right, you get one step closer to a... good grade-" He punctuated his words with a roll of his hips against Dean's, who let out a huffed laugh. "-but every question you get wrong, you go back a step. _So_ -" Cas grazed his bottom lip and his teeth lightly over the outer shell of Dean's ear, earning a breathy sigh from him. “Shall we get started?" Dean nodded, and Cas smirked against his ear. "Alright, we'll start off easy and get progressively _harder_."

"Nice one," Dean interrupted with a chuckle, appreciating the innuendo.

Cas rolled his eyes with a smile. "When the war first started in Europe, what two countries were already at war?"

"Uh… They were in Asia, right?" Cas nodded into the crook of Dean's neck. "Japan and China?"

"Correct." Castiel began to kiss and suck gently on Dean's neck. Dean sighed and leaned his head back further to offer more skin. "What was-" Cas started between pecks. "-the official start of World War II, and-" Cas pressed his lips to Dean's jaw. "-when was it?"

"I know this," Dean said to himself. Castiel’s tongue slowly traced the sensitive skin around his Adam’s apple before he sucked on it gently. Dean shuddered underneath him. " _Shit_ , uh. When Germany invaded Poland on September…" Cas kissed and nipped at the sensitive spot on Dean's collarbone. " _Fuck_. September 1, 1939."

"Very good." Cas moved his hands from where they weren't touching Dean and reached down to slide up his shirt. Cas moved further down- groins _unfortunately_ not touching anymore- and began kissing up and down Dean's chest and tummy. Dean's hips subconsciously rolled forward in an attempt to find some friction- and Cas wanted nothing more than to let him have it, but this wasn't just about release, so he ignored it. "When France fell after a German attack, what country did it begin to focus on, and what major battle had a decisive victory because of it?" He felt Dean's stomach muscles clench under his lips as Dean was about to speak, but he cut him off. "Extra points if you can also tell me why this victory was important." Cas started sucking a bruise into a spot close to Dean's nipple, using his tongue to massage it occasionally.

Dean groaned. "Okay, ugh _God_ \- It was, uh, Britain after France. And it was called the… Battle of Britain. And okay-" Cas moved his hands to the tops of Dean's thighs and lightly began to move them up and down as he swept his tongue and bottom row of teeth across Dean's nipple before bringing it into his mouth. " _JesusfuckingChrist_ , it was important because Britain winning showed that Germany was…" Cas bit a kiss onto his ribcage gently, and Dean's voice hitched as he rushed out his answer."G-Germany's economy wasn't prepared for the war it had to fight."

Cas chuckled into Dean's skin. "How about we amp up the questions?" He peered up at Dean over the thick rim of his glasses and watched him nod quickly. "Which country suffered the most _military_ deaths?"

"You and your fucking trick questions," Dean mumbled under his breath.

"It's not that hard, Dean."

"That's what you think," Dean mumbled with a scoff. Cas chuckled as he kissed the soft skin on Dean's stomach, moving his hands further up Dean's thigh with more pressure. " _Fuck_ , uh. I know it's not Japan because that's… I got that wrong on a quiz before," he babbled to himself. Cas hummed in agreement, gently biting a patch of sensitive skin on his hipbone to hurry him up. " _Son of a b_ _itch-_ okay, okay. Yeah, um... Russia- or the USSR or wha-whatever, right?"

Castiel moved back up and pressed their mouths together for the first time, their groins slotting back together. Dean groaned into the kiss and brought his hands to the material of Cas's sweater at his sides. They began rocking their hips together, getting lost in the sensation. Cas sighed when their tongues slid together, wanting to melt into it, wanting to give up this whole idea and just rut against each other until they both come.

 _Not yet_ , he reminded himself. Cas regretfully dragged his lips back from Dean's, and Dean tried to chase them with his own. Cas pulled his mouth out of reach and opened his eyes to see that his glasses had gotten fogged up. He and Dean both let out breathy laughs. "That was, um..." Cas swallowed and licked his lips with a nod. "That was correct."

Dean huffed another laugh, and Castiel moved his hands to the front of Dean's jeans to unbutton them. Cas leaned back down and returned to pressing thorough bites and kisses on Dean's stomach. "So, Dean," he murmured into the soft skin. "Which location for Allied invasion was met with German resistance on D-Day?"

Cas's hands were still lingering over the open button, his fingertips pressing into his groin teasingly. "Shit," Dean breathed. He ran a hand over his face. "There was Juno, and Gold, and Utah… and Sword, and… Omaha," he listed under his breath. Cas licked up Dean's hipbones and pressed kisses on his way back down closer to his groin, eliciting a mewl from Dean. " _Fuckfuck_ \- Oh..." Cas teasingly began to unzip Dean's jeans. "Omaha!" Dean blurted quickly. "Omaha. Omaha."

Castiel grinned and unzipped Dean's jeans the rest of the way before quickly yanking them down to his knees. The guttural, undiluted groan that came from Dean's throat would probably fuel Cas's wet dreams for the rest of his life. Cas held back his own sigh and started kissing up Dean's thighs from his knees, occasionally stopping to suck a mark into the skin. Dean's stomach was quivering with his effort to remain focused, and Cas was painfully hard against the confines of his own jeans. He noted that Dean was probably worse off, judging by the way his cock was rock hard and leaking onto the material, leaving a damp spot of precome where the head of his dick strained against the thin fabric.

Watching Dean's face carefully, Cas pressed his tongue flat to the cloth covering the head of Dean's dick, applying just enough pressure to make Dean squirm and curse under his breath. He briefly kissed the same area a few times before pulling back slightly and breathing hot air on the moist spot. "Holy shit, Cas- _please_ ," Dean begged in a breathless whimper.

Cas was practically rutting his own restrained erection against the bed, and he figured he should make the questions easier ( _for Dean, of course_ ). “What country did Germany attack on June 22, 1941?"

Cas mouthed over the hard outline of Dean's cock to urge him on. Dean was gritting his teeth, sweating and noticeably shaking, trying to hold himself together. Castiel rubbed his hands up and down Dean's thighs to calm him down. Dean let out a deep sigh. "Uh… Fra-"

Cas mouthed harder at his cock and groaned. " _Please think,_ Dean," he panted into the cloth quietly. If he would realize he wasn't the only one being tortured right now, maybe Dean would try harder to remember the answers.

Dean looked down at Cas to see the seriousness in his eyes. " _Fuck_ , are you that turned on just by working towards getting me off?" Dean let his head fall back again. "Jesus Christ, Cas, that's so fucking hot. I swear to God-" Dean babbled senselessly, hips rocking forward subtly.

" _Dean_ ," Cas warned.

"Oh shit, okay-" Dean ran his hands over his face, obviously trying to distract himself from the fact that Cas was firmly outlining Dean's cock with his lips. "Russia?" Cas let out a relieved sigh and yanked Dean's boxers down. Dean sucked in a painfully sharp breath as his cock sprang free, sticking straight up and blurting a drop of precome down his shaft. Cas inwardly admitted it was kind of a beautiful sight to see: Dean underneath him, panting with restraint, his whole body flushed and trembling, precome sliding down his throbbing dick-

"Please-" Dean choked on his own words and clawed his hands into the bedsheets when Cas pressed the first small kiss to his shaft, unable to resist tasting him. " _Please_ , no more questions," Dean begged in a broken whine.

"One more," he mumbled against the sensitive skin. "And if you get it right, I'll give you an A." Dean glanced down at him and Cas winked. Dean huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes, letting his head fall back onto the bed. Cas briefly swiped his tongue across Dean's balls and listened to the desperately shaky breath that escaped Dean's lips.  "What were the two important surrenders called at the end of the war," Cas asked between kisses he pressed around the base of Dean's dick and trailing higher up on Dean's shaft. "-and the dates for each?"

"That's two questions," Dean grumbled miserably. Cas grinned and licked partway up Dean's cock teasingly. Dean shuddered almost violently. "VJ Day, which was… _shit, Cas_ \- it was, uh, September… 2nd… 1945," he spoke hesitantly. Cas kissed the head of his cock and pressed his tongue into the slit. Dean whimpered ( _actually whimpered,_ which he was _never_ going to live down) and arched his back. Cas pulled back a little to let Dean catch his breath. " _Fuck,_  fuck- fuck. Okay- VE Day… was May 8, right?" He peered down at Cas hopefully, and Cas nodded into his skin, watching the wave of relief wash across Dean's face. " _Fuck yes_ , let's do this, come on."

"Which one marked the official end to the war?"

Dean's head shot up questioningly. "You said I only had one more question." Cas gave him a coquettish shrug, and Dean shook his head. "Son of a... VJ Day because it was later. Now, _please_ -" Dean enunciated slowly."For the love of _God_ , Cas-  _please_ suck my dick."

Castiel immediately wrapped his lips around the head of Dean's aching erection and swallowed him down. "Hhhhhuu- _sweet baby Jesus-_ fucking-  _oh my god,_ " Dean blubbered in a slur. Cas's favorite part of this was the nonsense Dean uttered when he was so lost in his arousal. He liked being able to turn Dean into a puddle of illogical curse words and blasphemy just by touching him certain ways.

Cas brought his hands up from Dean's thighs, placing one so it was flat against his hips except for a thumb that gently massaged lower than the base of his shaft, and wrapping the other hand around his shaft to meet where his mouth didn't reach as he bobbed his head. He pulled his mouth of for a quick moment to run his hand up and down the length to smear the wetness. Castiel immediately latched back on and began pumping his head and trying to take Dean in deeper. "Caaaa- huh- _god-jesus-shit_!" Cas moved his thumb to the pad of skin behind Dean's balls and massaged it firmly. " _Fucker!_  Fucking-  _fuck_!  _Cas, please_. God, so fucking good."

Cas swallowed insistently and moaned around his length.  _Come on, Dean_ , he urged silently. Cas opened his eyes and peered up at Dean through the fog of his glasses to watch Dean's face: his eyes squeezed shut, his mouth hanging open and weakly forming around meaningless syllables. Dean's back was arched almost painfully- it seemed like he would've levitated right off the bed if he didn't have that merciless death grip on the sheets- and his heaving breaths moved his whole torso.

He worked his tongue against the underside of Dean's cock, bouncing his head hard and fast, twisting in different directions. Dean's trembling thighs began to lift slowly and the arch of his back became even higher. Cas opened his eyes again to watch Dean as he dangerously inched his way closer and closer to the edge, his whole body tense like he just needed _one thing_ to push him over.

The sweat of Dean's body made it hard to get a stable grip on his skin, and Castiel's thumb suddenly slipped between the crease of Dean's ass. " _Ah_ -!" The first part of Dean's scream was squeezed out of him immediately, and Cas felt the first spurt of his come shoot down his throat. Quickly, Cas pulled off and stroked Dean as fast as he could. Dean's held breath came out as a series of desperate whines, his hips thrusting forward as he came hard, covering Castiel's face and neck. " _Fuck, Cas, holy shit- ahh_ ," he moaned. Nearing the end of his orgasm, his voice slurred into long, deep groans, and his hips bucked forward into Cas's fist a few more times before his whole body bonelessly fell back on the bed. Dean's mouth powerlessly formed around words he didn't have, heaving harshly with air he couldn't breathe.

Castiel smirked and slowly removed his hand from Dean's spent cock and making Dean's whole body twitch. He could feel the come on his skin, see it on his glasses- _which might actually be hard to get off_ \- but he was trying new things, so he left it.

Cas pulled Dean's boxers and jeans back up as much as he could under the unmoving weight. He crawled up Dean's sweat-covered body and straddled his hips. Dean opened one eye to look up at him and smiled lazily, letting out a breathy laugh. "Jesus, you're a fucking mess, Cas." Castiel grinned widely and bit his own lip, rocking his still-hard, still-clothed erection onto Dean's sensitive groin. Dean laughed and somehow mustered up the energy to flip them both suddenly so Cas was on his back, legs spread and arms pinned by Dean's grip on his wrists. "You're a tease, you know that?"

Cas smiled silently and watched Dean's fond-but-predatory face study the dirty glasses and come-painted cheeks. Dean leaned down to kiss him, almost chastely, before moving his kisses over his cheeks, licking and sucking his skin clean. Cas squeezed his eyes shut and squirmed under Dean to try and get some friction, but Dean didn't let up. He pressed his mouth to Cas's ear and murmured, "Teases don't get off that easy, Cas." Castiel shuddered and Dean kissed in the crook of his neck.

Suddenly, Dean leaned over the side of the bed- which from their position, placed his whole weight on top of Castiel's torso and face. "Hey-!" Cas's objection was muffled by Dean's stomach. He tried to hit him in the ribs, but his arms were also trapped.

"I hope you've been studying for your quantum physics exam," Dean said with a smirk as he returned with a huge textbook, settling on his heels with Cas's thighs on either side of his hips. Cas opened his mouth to object, but gave up. Dean smiled triumphantly and opened the book. "Ah, yes, here we go- _The Copenhagen Interpretation_." Cas sighed. _This is going to be a long night._

 

**& &**

 

A week later, Castiel was outside the science building, chatting to a girl- Tessa, he learned- that had stopped him in the hopes of having a conversation, when his phone started going off. "Sorry. Just one second," he said as he pulled out his phone. She nodded with a smile and stood patiently.

 _New Picture Message: Dean._ Attached to the message was a picture of Dean's World War II midterm with a red 94 on top circled. Cas grinned widely as he began to type out a reply.

"Good news?" Tessa asked.

"Very good news," he replied as he typed. "My roommate just aced one of his midterms and earned us some money."

"Wow! That's awesome. How-" Castiel's phone buzzed again before he could finish his message. He gave her an apologetic look, and she nodded understandingly.

 _New Message: Dean: "I'm getting our money now. Get to the room in 20 so we can roll around naked in our riches, haha. But seriously, dude, this is all because of your help. Thanks."_   His phone buzzed again before he could even let out a small laugh. _New Message: Dean: "God, I'm gonna suck your dick so fucking good, you won't even be able to remember your own fucking name for a month."_ Cas's eyes widened.

"More good news?"

_New Message: Dean: "Can't wait 20. Now."_

Cas blushed and closed out of the message, stuffing his phone in his pocket as it buzzed again. He smiled at her and shuffled awkward on his feet. "You could say that."

"So, like I was saying, would you like to go get a coffee or something?" she asked.

He chewed on the inside of his lip. _Dean and I never talked about the possibility of this happening._ "Um, sure. I actually have to get going now, but here's my number." He pulled out a pen from his back pocket and she extended her palm, on which he scribbled the digits. "Maybe some other time." He watched her expectantly and absently wondered why she looked so familiar.

She looked at her palm and grinned happily. "Yeah, definitely."

He smiled in response and waved before turning around and walking as fast as he could without seeming suspicious- because really, the only thing he could think about was Dean's promising message. The thought reminded him of the messages he hadn't seen yet, and he pulled out his phone as he walked.

_New Message: Dean: "Hurrrryyyyy"_

_New Message: Dean: "Cas"_

_New Message: Dean: "I'm already in the room, come on"_

_New Message: Dean: "I'm tryin to suck your dick and this is how you repay me"_

_New Message: Dean: "caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas"_

Castiel laughed to himself and quickly typed out a simple  _"On my way_ , _"_ as his response. He shoved his phone back in his pocket and walked a little faster.  _Tutoring in exchange for blowjobs. I love college._


	9. October 31, 2013

Halloween has always been one of Dean's favorite days of the year. It's literally the perfect day; anything involving the 3 C's of Holidays (Candy, Costumes, and Crazy parties) are _undeniably_ awesome. 

Unfortunately, though, Halloween fell on a Thursday this year. Nobody liked celebrating holidays during the school week. You can't party as hard as you want because there's class in the morning; some people won't even show up to parties because they don't want to risk not getting enough sleep- _Nerds. Those people are nerds._ Like Cas, for instance, such a fucking nerd that he was working tirelessly to get ahead on all of his work so that he didn't miss anything tomorrow. Dean had _finally_ convinced his friend to come to the big party tonight, and he was positive it would be worth all the begging.

"What costumes are y'all gonna wear?" Dean asked. Dean and his friends were outside enjoying the sunny break between classes. Charlie was sitting against the giant oak tree with Jo between her legs. Dean was laying between Jo's legs with his head in her lap, elbow-deep in the giant bag of candy resting on his belly. Jo ran her fingers over his scalp lazily, and Dean honestly wanted nothing more than for this moment of warmth and comfort and peace to never end.

Cas, on the other hand, was sitting cross-legged beside Charlie against the tree, diligently taking notes from his textbook. _Y'know, just being a nerd._  "Is it really necessary to dress up? We're not ten anymore," Cas replied monotonously, not looking up from his book.

"Aw, come on, Cas. Dressing up is the best part. Don't be such a party-pooper," Charlie said with an elbow nudge to Cas's arm.

"I just don't see how wearing a nonsensical costume somehow magically enhances my having a good time."

"I don't know, man. You could always wear a skimpy nurse's outfit. I don't know about you, but those always enhance my good time," Dean quipped with a grin. Jo stopped her petting and popped him on the side of the head. "Hey-!"

Jo rolled her eyes and resumed her stroking. "Cas, you don't have to wear a lame costume like the ones people wear all the time. It's just easier to buy those at the dollar store. Just have fun with it."

" _Skimpy_ ," Dean interjected again around a mouth full of sweets. "It's the rules: bitches gotta wear skimpy outfits."  _Pop._ "Would you stop?"

"Charlie and I aren't gonna show up lookin' all scantily clad," Jo argued.

"That's unfortunate," Dean mumbled as he kept chewing. _Pop_. "Sonofa-!"

"What are you wearing, then?" Cas asked, ignoring Dean.

"Okay, well you know that LARPing group I'm a part of?" Cas tilted his head in confusion at Charlie.

"She's the queen of Moondor, dude- and pretty solid in duels," Dean informed him. Cas gave him a questioning look. "Okay, so I've been once or twice." Cas raised his eyebrow some more. "Maybe I joined." A skeptical head tilt. "And I go to every gathering, so what? Shut up." Cas laughed and turned back to Charlie.

"Anyways, I'm wearing my knight get-up, and Jo is wearing my queen dress and crown. Because she is my queen- aren't you, sweetie?" Charlie added with her tight-lipped cutesy voice as she kissed Jo's temple forcefully.

"Get a room," Dean said with mock disgust as he threw a candy wrapper behind him and hit Charlie in the chin.

"You're just jealous because you wanted to be the princess," Jo teased, digging her fingers into the back of his ribs. Dean yelped and squirmed at the tickling. The girls laughed, and Cas watched them with amusement.

"I am always the motherfucking princess; I don't need a crown," he joked with a pretend flip of his hair. "And, besides, I already have the best costume ever."

"What's that?" Cas interjected, completely disregarding his note-taking.

Dean looked over his shoulder at him and grinned. "And spoil the surprise? I don't think so."

"Then maybe I won't tell you that I've already got a costume," Cas returned simply.

Dean made an objective noise. "What is it?"

"And spoil the surprise? I don't think so," Cas mocked.  Jo snorted a laugh, and Dean rolled his eyes.

"Fine, be that way. My costume could kick your costume's ass anyways."

"I guess we'll see tonight, then, won't we?"

The girls might not have been able to exactly read Cas's challenging expression, but Dean knew it all too well, and he returned the look. _Such a fucking tease_. When Cas raised an eyebrow, Dean knew he'd understood his thought perfectly. _Just you wait_. "May the best man win, eh, Cas?"

"Alright, come on, loverboys," Jo urged with two quick pats to Dean's chest as she sat up straighter. "Gotta get back to class." Dean sent a quick wink for Cas's eyes only as he sat up. Cas rolled his eyes with a smile as he collected his books.

"We shall bid you adieu until the evening, m'lords," Charlie offered with a small bow.

"A pleasure as always, Your Highness," Dean replied with an exaggerated bow and extended arm. He heard Cas and Jo both mutter something about _such fucking dorks,_ and he laughed. Now he was even more excited for tonight so that he could see Cas's secret costume- _and then get him out of it._

 

**& &**

"So you're coming tonight? Really?" Castiel questioned incredulously. He and Chuck were the only ones working since Thursdays were usually slow. In all honesty, Cas was just ready for it to be 8 o'clock so that he could start getting ready for the party.

"I am. Becky hasn't been to a real college party yet, and I wanted to show her a good time." Chuck leaned in closer to Cas ( _Why? We are alone in this whole coffee shop, why must you be this close to me?_ ) and raised his eyebrows. "This will be our _third date_."

"Congratulations."

Chuck's face dropped to an earnest expression. "No- wait- do- you do know what that means, right-?" Cas furrowed his brow at him. "We're gonna… _you know_." He made a strange expression to try and emphasize his point.

"Ew, stop. I was aware of the implication."  _She must be even more insane than he is._ "So, she really hasn't gone to a college party? Even you've gone to some, and you're  _you_."

Chuck laughed sarcastically and rolled his eyes. " _Oh, yes, I'm a loser hardy-har-har_. Very funny, Castiel. Don't forget you used to be a loser just like me before Dean came along." Castiel was well aware of that fact, and he had no intention of arguing. "And yes, she's an _intellectual._ She prefers to keep to her solitude and read. She doesn't indulge in the debauchery that is frat parties."

"So… you decided to take her to one?" Cas clarified skeptically.

"Well- I just- I mean, she doesn't _party_ , but she mentioned how she would like to try it-"

"You're saying she was gushing about how much she wanted to go to a real party, and you think you might be able to get her drunk enough to have sex with you."

Chuck opened his mouth to reply defensively, but he stumbled over his words. "That- That is just- That's not- Well- Like she- Becky- yeah, she- That-"

"I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor."

Chuck blushed sheepishly and changed the subject. "So, the holidays are coming up." _Shit._  Cas gulped nervously. "What are you doing?" He paused, considering something. Castiel didn't make any move to answer his question. "Now that I think about it, I don't know anything about your family… or about you before college."

 _Did you ever think maybe it's none of your business?_ Cas fidgeted and tried to think of something to say. "That's strange," was all he could come up with.

Chuck pondered it for a second. "Yeah, it is. Where are you from?"

"Um, Washington," Castiel lied.

"Oh, really, what part?"

 _Don't you have better things to do than interrogate me?_ "Spokane."

"What about family? Do you have any brothers and sisters?"

Cas shuffled on his feet. "Just my grandmother," he lied again.

Chuck studied him harder, and Cas tried to busy himself with cleaning the counters. "Wow. Never would've pinned you as a grandma's boy." Cas nodded in some attempt to get Chuck to drop the subject. "I should've been able to tell you were an only child, though. We're all alike."

Cas chewed on the inside of his cheek. _I guess I may as well have been an only child._ "How so?"

"You know, we didn't have anyone our age around the clock, so we grew up to be more independent and self-reliant. We don't feel the need to talk to people our age because we made it this far on our own. Hard to trust people and open up to them- I get it." Cas nodded silently.  _Maybe Chuck is wiser than he seems._ "So you're going back up to Washington to spend Thanksgiving with your grandma?"

"Uh, no. Actually, uh- she…" _Keep lying. Might as well._  "She passed away last year."

Chuck made that over-sympathetic look and put a hand on his shoulder. Cas furrowed his brow and looked at the hand and back up to him. "You poor, poor man."

"Um… Yes, it's-"

Before he could finish his thought, Chuck pulled him into a tight hug with Cas's arms trapped at his sides. Chuck was short enough that his head was resting against Cas's chest and nuzzling in while he rubbed a hand on his back. "Shhh, don't speak. I am so sorry for your loss."

"It's- uh, thanks, Chuck."

"You'll get through this; I know you will. You're a strong person," he said, still constricting him.

"Um…" Cas wiggled to try and emphasize that he wanted to be freed. Chuck got the message and unwrapped his arms with an apologetic gesture. _What a strange human being_. Castiel checked his watch to find it was already five till eight. _Thank God._

"See you at the party tonight," Cas said with a small wave as he clocked out. After Chuck said good-bye, Castiel practically raced out of the coffee shop and back to the dorms to change. Even if his costume wasn't the most creative, he knew Dean would appreciate it.

**& &**

The plan for tonight was to hang out with Victor and the boys for some pre-gaming and get ready at their dorm. This party was going to be huge, and everyone was going- everyone that counted, anyways. Victor was already in his _elaborate_ costume: a plain black tee shirt, jeans with two holes in the knees, some black converses, a shoulder-length brown wig and a trucker hat that says "Wayne's World" on the front- and chugging a beer. Dean was putting off getting into his outfit because he was preoccupied with his third beer and a giant bowl of fun-sized chocolate bars. _A man's gotta have priorities, right?_

"Hey, tubs, you gonna pass that bowl around, or should we leave you two alone?" Adam teased from across the table. Victor laughed a little too loudly, and Gordon chuckled from his place next to Dean.

"Shut up," Dean retorted and threw a piece of candy at Adam's face- not the good kind, though. He's not an idiot. "It's Halloween, I can eat as much as I want."

"Says you." Ruby was sitting on Gordon's lap and leaned over to poke Dean's stomach. "The pudge says differently."

“Hey! Hands off the pudge.” Dean slapped her hand away. "Whatever you say, Miss I-Eat-Two-Carbs-and-Gain-Twelve-Pounds-That-Go-Straight-to-My-Ass."

Ruby glared at him, and Gordon ran his hand up and down her back. "I wouldn't necessarily count that as a bad thing, there, Deano." Ruby smiled in victory and planted a less-than-classy kiss on Gordon's lips, spurred on by a few rounds of shots they'd done earlier. Dean was about to express his distaste when his phone rang.

"Sammy! What's my favorite brother doing on this fine Hallow's Eve?" Dean greeted as he got up and grabbed the bag his costume was in. Needing privacy for his phone call was a good excuse to go ahead and change in the bathroom.

"I'm staying home and reading a book I just got. You know how I feel about Halloween," Sam replied with a sigh.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I know the speech. You should really lighten up and have some fun one of these days. You'll never get laid just sitting around and reading." Dean shucked off his shoes and jeans before setting the phone down just long enough to take his shirt off.

"Y'know, some girls like a guy who's well-read, Dean. That's why only one type of girl ever agrees to go out with you," Sam quipped.

Dean let out a fake laugh. "You say that like it's a bad thing." Dean knew exactly what face Sam would be pulling if this was a face-to-face conversation. "There's nothin' wrong with taking home the girl in the skimpy nurse costume, Sammy."

"Are you _still_ obsessed with that stupid costume, Dean? Let it go, man." Dean scoffed.  _I will never let go of the slutty nurse costume._ "Besides, maybe I don't want a girl who will just go home with any guy they meet. If I take home the girl in the skimpy nurse costume, I want it to be because she's sweet, and funny, and because she likes me- not because we just want to get laid."

"Aw, Sammy. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little," Dean teased. Sam huffed out a shut up. Dean slipped on his navy blue jeans and had to suck in his stomach to button the pants comfortably. He frowned at the slight swell of skin over the top of the jeans and poked at it. "I think I ate too much candy."

"So, it's like every year, then?" Sam joked. "What are you dressing up as this year, anyways?"

Dean told him to hold on and set the phone down so he could put on the white ¾-sleeve v-neck shirt. "What makes you think I'm dressing up?"

"Dude, you've dressed up every year since you were two, except that rebellious year you had when you were 13. Sub-Zero? Gandalf? The Red Ranger? _Wonderwoman_?"

"Hey- that was as a joke, and you  _know it_." He heard Sam laugh into the phone. "I cannot wait until the day you stop holding that over my head." Dean put on his black vest and situated the phone between his ear and shoulder. "I'm not going as any of those. I'm going with the lady-killer this year."

Dean sat down and tugged on his black boots. "Ted Bundy?"

"Man, you are just  _killin'_ it tonight. Have you ever considered doing stand-up?" Sam scoffed at Dean's obvious sarcasm. "I seriously can't believe you still haven't guessed it yet. Dude's a hero." He paused to think for a moment while he snapped his utility belt around his hips. "Okay, I got it. In this world, you'd still be the whiny bitch who gets all the credit. And I get to be the real badass who gets the girl."

" _Oh you're so clever, I'm a bitch ha-ha_. But… I'm guessing Han Solo?"

"Knew you'd catch on, Skywalker." Dean put his fake blaster in its hilt and looked in the mirror to make sure he looked in-place.

"Okay, so I see how Han is a badass that gets the girl- _not to mention Leia is Luke's sister, and that's why_ \- but Luke is the real hero, obviously," Sam defended.

"Whoa whoa whoa, there, kid. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. One, Leia kissed Luke to make Han jealous. Two, Luke whined and complained enough while he was learning how to master the Force so his heroism doesn't even fucking count anymore. His man-points were revoked. Done and done," he argued as he tucked in his shirt.

"Leia could've been into Luke! But when she found out they were siblings, she finally allowed herself to succumb to the dirty criminal because her only other option was an 8 foot Wookie. She is a proud woman, why would she really be interested in a misogynist like Han?"

"Wow, no! I can't- I don't even know what to say. Leia was pickin' up Han's vibes way before she found out about Luke. You're totally pulling this out of left-field. It's like... It's like I don't even know you anymore, Sam." He heard Sam laugh from the other line. " _And_ \- just for your information- Chewbacca is, like, 7 foot 3, not 8 feet."

"You're such a nerd, Dean. It's really a wonder anyone ever talks to you."

"Yeah, I know. But you love me for it. Anyways, we're about to head out to the party. Give mom a kiss for me, and tell them I'll see y'all in a few weeks."

"Have fun, and watch out for the razor blades," Sam joked before hanging up. Dean flipped his phone shut and walked out of the bathroom.

"'Going somewhere, Solo?'" Victor called out in a _horrible_ impression of Jabba the Hutt. While Dean was gone, Adam had changed into his costume: a long, blonde wig, black thick-rimmed glasses, ripped jeans, and a worn-out Aerosmith tee shirt that looked oddly similar to the one Dean lost a few weeks ago.

"Hey- don't dis my costume when you and your boyfriend have matching outfits," he quipped in return.

"Oh, you think you're funny, huh?" Victor said with an eye roll as he walked over to Adam.

Dean tilted his chin up proudly. "I think I'm adorable."

"Don't worry, baby. He's just jealous of our-" Adam pulled Victor into him by the hips exaggeratedly. "-Intense, passionate love for one another."

Victor grabbed Adam's upper arms tightly and held him closer. "Let him!" And then he pressed their faces together so their cheeks were touching, making kissing noises and moans, moving their hands dramatically over each other before pulling back with hearty laughs.

"You guys are so gay," Dean chuckled with a shake of his head. "Come on, we gotta get going." He started walking when he looked around. "Where are the Wonder Twins?"

"You mean 'Blade' and 'The Bride'? They told us not to wait up because their costumes took some time to get into," Adam answered as they exited the room.

"More like 'get out of,'" Dean mumbled, laughing inwardly at his own joke.

Victor let out a loud, fake laugh before stopping and giving Dean a highly unamused expression. "How many times have you made that joke today?"

Dean opened his mouth to answer before he realized it was a rhetorical question. Dean shot him a bitter look. "Shut up."

 

**& &**

The party was across the way in a fraternity house (Dean had informed Cas that sororities typically have "lame-ass mixers" unless they're the fun houses, but those girls prefer to go to frat parties), and it was already going when they arrived. People were outside having beer-chugging contests, doing keg-stands, smashing pumpkins ( _Really where do people even get these ideas from?)_ and talking very closely. Cas had arrived with Kevin (dressed as Frodo) because Charlie and Jo told him to meet up with them there, and Kevin was afraid to go by himself.

"There's so many people," Kevin noted cautiously to Castiel.

"There's typically people at parties," he replied flatly. Kevin gave him a worried look, and Cas didn't snatch his arm away when Kevin grabbed it. Instead, he guided them inside and into the kitchen. The music was loud enough to be heard clearly in every room, but not too loud to the point where it was annoying. "We need to get you a drink so you can relax."

"A drink? I- uh," Kevin stammered.

Castiel tilted his head at Kevin curiously as he retrieved two plastic cups. "Have you drank alcohol before?" 

"Well, not _really_ necessarily-" Cas poured a beer from the keg and extended it to him.

"You don't have to drink if you don't want to, the decision is completely your own. But if you do, remember: 'if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.'" Castiel smiled at him, and the quote seemed to relax Kevin's tension already. Castiel usually didn’t get most movie references, but Dean recently made him sit through a _Lord of the Rings_ marathon, and he’d picked up a few things.

Kevin accepted the drink and took a sip, not displeased. Cas poured his own cup and downed it quickly. He hated being in crowded areas when there was hardly anyone he knew around. He poured another, but kept it to his chest instead.

"'Permission to speak freely, sir?'" A female voice called from behind him. He turned around to see Charlie in her red, grey and brown riding/leisure attire and Jo in a red gown trimmed in gold, topped with a big crown. He'd barely ever seen Jo in anything other than jeans and a tank top or t- shirt, and he would've been inclined to compliment her if she didn't look so uncomfortable.

"'Permission granted,'" he returned with a grin. "You two look great."

"Not too shabby yourself there, Captain," Charlie said with a tug on the front of his sweater. He looked down and analyzed how the Starfleet logo-marked yellow sweater and black pants looked on him. "Sup, hobbit," she directed at Kevin with a nod.

"This dress sucks," Jo griped unpleasantly. She sighed and fidgeted awkwardly. "Well, I vote we start getting wasted immediately," she said over the sound of the music. Charlie voiced her support with a whoop and went to find shot glasses for all of them. "Charlie tells me you're quite the heavy weight. I'll have you know, I've drank about 80% of the people here under the table before."

"And the other 20%?"

"Haven't met me yet," Jo answered with a cocky smirk.

"Is that a challenge, your majesty?" Jo shrugged with false humbleness. "Challenge accepted."

"Did I hear the makings of a challenge?" Charlie boomed in a mock-announcer voice as she neared them with a plate of shot glasses and bottle of tequila. They stood opposite of each other while Charlie poured them four shots each. "Then, by the power vested in me by the state of inebriation: I declare ye a drinking duel! You may take your shots!"

Castiel quickly picked up one with each hand, knocked them out one-by-one and flipped them over when they were empty. He slammed the last one down and looked at Jo. "Is that all you got, little man?" she hounded with a challenging grin.

Cas silently quirked an eyebrow to her and signaled for another round. A small crowd had gathered around them and was cheering them on. Charlie took a swig from the bottle before refilling their glasses and signaling for them to drink. Cas dunked two back simultaneously back-to-back, earning a cheer from the crowd. He flipped the last two and winced at the burning sensation in his chest, but he knew what he could handle, and this was far from it. Jo was downing her last one when he watched her. She hissed and coughed. "Had enough?"

"You wish," she retorted.

"If you guys get hammered this early, it's gonna be lights-out before it's even midnight, and I can't carry you in that big ol' dress," Charlie warned with another sip from the bottle.

"Fine, but next time we don't have anywhere to be the next morning: you, me, a bottle of Jack- we'll see who the true champion is," Jo suggested with an outstretched hand, and Castiel shook met the gesture in a promise.

He was about to ask where Dean was when he turned around and saw him chatting with a few other people. _Han Solo. I should've seen that one coming._ When Dean's eyes found his, Dean smiled brightly and tilted his chin up in an acknowledging nod. Cas watched as Dean's eyes traveled down and registered his costume with an interested expression.

Dean turned to two other guys who seemed to be in complimentary costumes and said something with a nod in their general direction. They started walking towards their group, Dean's eyes boring into his enough to make Castiel feel like the alcohol was kicking in sooner than expected. Cas averted his eyes and turned back to the girls and Kevin nonchalantly.

"Well don't you look like something the cat dragged in?" Jo teased with a side-hug from Dean.

"Bite me, your worshipfulness." He laughed and pointed at everyone respectively in introduction. "Victor, Adam, Cas, Charlie, y'all know Jo, and- and, uh…?"

Dean was looking at Kevin, who was still trying to stand as close by Castiel's side as humanly possible without touching. Kevin's eyes widened when he realized they were all looking at him. "Me? Oh- Kevin… Hey," he stammered nervously with a small wave.

"And that's Kevin," Dean added with a grin. Dean finally turned his attention to Castiel. "Captain Kirk. He was my favorite, you know."

 _I know._ "What a coincidence," he replied, purposefully keeping his expression flat. Dean narrowed his eyes and smirked, sucking on his teeth with an appreciative nod. Judging by Dean's reaction, Cas decided his costume was a good idea, after all. Dean opened his mouth to reply again when they heard heavy footsteps approaching and all turned to look.

Someone in a full-on Darth Vader costume had arrived with a tiny blonde girl at his side. The girl had her hair up in a bun and was wearing a blue button-up tucked into her jeans and all but 3 buttons undone, revealing a white tank-top underneath. She looked like she was shaking with excitement, pulling Darth Vader closer to them. "Uh…"

"Hey, guys," a muffled voice came from behind the mask. Darth Vader took off his helmet, revealing a heavily breathing Chuck underneath. "This is Becky."

"Not tonight. Tonight I'm Buffy the vampire slayer!" She corrected with two quick punches to the air. Dean's eyes widened and his two friends laughed. Chuck introduced everyone in the group- except Victor and Adam, who introduced themselves. "So, what are we going to do? Beer pong? Shots? Chugging from a funnel? Let's party- _Oooohhhh!_ We should play a game!" Becky hurried loudly.

" _A game!_ That sounds like a great idea," Dean said patronizingly. "Doesn't that sound like a great idea, guys?"

"We should play Never Have I Ever- _ooh ooh!_ We should play Truth or Dare!" Becky paused for a second before exploding again. "Both!"

"Both!" Dean mocked again animatedly. Victor and Adam snorted into their beers, and Jo rolled her eyes at them. Becky didn't seem to catch on, probably thinking Dean was just really agreeable.

"Actually, that's not a bad idea. Everybody get two beers each and meet me over there," Charlie directed, pointing to a spot clear enough for a group of their size to sit comfortably. Becky squealed in excitement, pulling on Chuck's armored arm. Dean took over the role of doling out drinks, and Cas accepted his and a quick wink courtesy of Dean that went unnoticed by everyone else.

Castiel sat cross-legged next to Charlie, Kevin hurriedly scurrying to sit on his other side. Jo sat on Charlie's opposite side, Dean next to her, then Adam, Victor, Becky, and Chuck rounding it up next to Kevin. Becky's eyes widened a little bit when she stared at Victor, and her hand went up to feel his bicep. Cas stared at her in confusion, as did Victor. She smiled shyly and removed her hand. Victor winked at her, causing her to blush. Chuck glared at Victor and mumbled unintelligibly under his breath.

"Room for one more?" Came a familiar voice from behind Cas. He turned around and was faced with skin-tight, shiny black leather which he traced up to the top and recognized Meg in a catsuit, topped with cat ears. Before waiting for an answer, she nudged Kevin a little with the heel of her boot and sat between him and Castiel. Cas greeted her with a smile, which she returned with a wink.

"Alright, here's the game: it's Dare or Never Have I Ever Bullshit. It goes around clockwise- i.e. me, then Jo, then Dean, et cetera. You can choose to accept a dare from the group or give us an experience you don't have. If anyone has done whatever the experience is, they drink. If you see someone not drinking when you know they should be, you can call bullshit. Got it?" The group cheered a little in excitement. _I just hope everyone chooses dare- I don't want to risk anyone finding out anything they don't need to know._ "Here we go: Never have I ever… had sex with a guitar player." Castiel looked around to see who was drinking- Jo and Meg being the only ones. Jo shrugged shyly at the people grinning at her, with nobody second guessing Meg.

Cas figured that was everyone until Dean locked eyes with him and declared, "Bullshit." Everyone turned to look at him, and his chest heated up. He gave Dean a confused look and tried to direct his thoughts at him. _No I haven't...?_ Dean raised his eyebrows skeptically and pursed his lips, giving off an I'm-talking-about-me look. Cas rolled his eyes and took a drink from his beer, and Dean smiled victoriously.

A couple of people offered scattered responses like ‘Really?’ ‘Castiel, you sly dog.’ ‘Who?’ and ‘Get some!’ Cas just shrugged helplessly.

"Okay, okay. I want a dare," Jo said.

Multiple voices tried to impose their ideas. "I dare you to moon us!" Adam suggested, cupping his hands around his mouth. Jo sighed and looked to Charlie who just laughed and told her it was the rules. Jo stood up and turned around, hiking up her dress and bending over to reveal a pair of boy shorts with the words "Kiss It" on the back. The group hooted and cheered, someone whistled, and Jo sat back down, her cheeks turning pink and mumbling for everyone to shut up.

"Okay. Never have I ever…" Dean eyed Castiel challengingly with a glint in his eye. "Never have I ever had sex with Meg." Everyone laughed, and Meg made a face at Dean. Cas drank from his cup, as did Adam, Victor, and Chuck. _Chuck?_ Everyone stared at him in shock.

"It was one time!" Chuck defended, flustered. Becky's eyes widened and stared at Meg.

"Hi, I'm Meg. I'm a slut," she directed at the smaller girl with a sly smile. She turned to Chuck and added "And, sugar, I think I'd really only count that as half a time," with a wink. The group ooh'ed and howled, laughing at Chuck. He stammered out a bunch of meaningless sarcastic defenses.

"Alright then. Uh, never have I ever had sex in a public place," Adam added. Charlie and Jo both took drinks with a smile, and Victor and Meg drank as well. "Really?"

"What can I say? Sometimes the lovin' just can't wait," Victor joked. "And you should be thanking me, dude. I could be bringing home chicks every night and making you listen."

"Listen to what? 'Yeah, it's in. _Whoa oh oh oh hugggghhhhnnnuh_ I'm done.'" Adam impersonated in a deeper voice and shaking with his eyes rolled back. Everyone laughed and clapped him on the back. Cas was really feeling his head start to swim, so he just sat and watched with amusement.

"Oh, and you're such a stud. The only sex-related noise I’ve heard on your behalf is the disappointed footsteps of one girl every blue moon," he returned with a smug smile. They ooh'ed and laughed and clapped at the response.

"Wait wait wait-" Dean interrupted. "You guys have sex when the other is in the room?"

Adam and Victor exchanged shrugs. "Just, like, once or twice," Adam answered easily.

"Yeah, it's not a big deal." He squinted at Dean, and then back at Adam, and then to everyone else. "Is that weird?" _Probably not weirder than_ actually _fucking your roommate._ The group gave him mixed responses, and Victor waved them away dismissively. "Whatever, give me a dare."

Everyone's response was the same, but Charlie shushed them so she could repeat it clearly. "So we can settle all this sexual tension, please- _for the love of God_ \- kiss Adam." Everyone cheered their agreement, adding things like ‘Finally!' and 'Right on the mouth!' and 'Don't chicken-shit, dude, you gotta do it.'

The boys figured putting up a fight was pointless, and they exchanged another round of shrugs. _The alcohol probably helps, too_. Quickly, Victor and Adam leaned in and pressed their lips together. They both pulled away with exaggerated disgusted expressions and gulped some of their beers down.

"How was it?" Dean asked jokingly.

"Shut up," Victor responded.

"Best kiss of my life!" Adam bellowed cheerily with a tip of his cup. Victor laughed and punched him in the arm. _They have to be hooking up. They act way more obvious than Dean and I do._ Dean excused himself momentarily, mentioning something about chocolate.

"It's your turn, cupcake," Meg insisted to Becky. The blonde looked around at all of the expecting faces and stammered out lots of nothing. "Do you want a dare?" Becky nodded. "Okay, well, I dare you to chug both of your beers right now. It's not like you'll ever drink to our kind of experiences, anyways," she added sidely. Castiel elbowed her softly in the arm. She looked back at him with an amused grin. "What?"

"When will you realize that just because you've done everything, doesn't mean everyone has," he defended.

Dean sat back down in his spot and watched them. "I don't know, Clarence, when are you gonna let me take you home again?" Amused, Castiel exchanged her small smile.

"When monkeys fly outta my ass," Dean scoffed through a mouthful of a chocolate bar. Everyone turned to look at Dean, and Cas felt like his blood was boiling under his skin. ' _What are you doing, you_ idiot _?'_ Dean looked as if he just realized he'd said that out loud and looked at Cas like a deer in the headlights. Cas raised his eyebrows accusingly. ' _Fix it!'_  Dean swallowed the bit of food in his mouth and tried to look nonchalant.

"It, uhh-" Dean cleared his throat. "It smelled like bitch for days after you left your stink in there." Meg made a face at him, which Dean returned in kind. Apparently nobody had noticed Becky already drank both of her drinks and was waiting. "Well done, Buffy. Your turn, Darth," Dean said, dismissing the previous situation.

"Never have I ever felt someone up in public," he said after thinking. Charlie, Adam, Victor, and Meg all took drinks from their beers. Castiel caught Dean's eye directly and watched him take a sip, never taking his eyes off of him.

"What about being felt up?" Becky chimed in. Everyone turned to her, surprised. Chuck was caught off guard, and he fumbled around his words before deciding it counted. Jo and Becky both took sips ( _Didn't she just not have any drink left?_ ) and Dean watched Cas with the same predatory look as Cas took another sip. Dean licked his bottom lip before looking away again.

"Uh… I think it's my turn, right?" Kevin piped up quietly. Someone told him to speak up, and he continued louder. "Never have I ever had sex when I wasn't in a relationship." Dean and Cas exchanged secret smiles and drank together, as did everyone else except for Becky and Jo.

“Bullshit!” Dean directed at Jo with an accusing point.

She looked taken aback. “What?”

“Your party. The night you two met,” Dean explained. He waggled his eyebrows and motioned between Jo and Charlie. “I know y’all did the dirty.”

Jo scoffed and made a mocking face. “Actually, we didn’t.” Dean looked surprised. “We didn’t have sex until we were already together.”

Charlie tossed her arm over Jo’s shoulders proudly. “ _Yeah_. It was fucking _beautiful_ , too.” She and Jo smiled at each other and kissed briefly. Cas smiled inwardly and some of their friends made disgusted noises.

“I know this is all very heartwarming and romantic, but I think it’s my turn,” Meg piped up, disrupting the moment.

"Meg, we already know you're gonna go with dare because there's nothing you haven't done," Jo teased her friend. Meg shrugged it off easily and took a sip from her cup. Some people piped up their dares, but they went with Jo's suggestion. "I dare you to choose your next victim right now and kiss them."

Meg considered this carefully and pursed her lips, scanning the whole room. Castiel didn't miss the subtle change of expression on Dean's face when Meg turned to look at Castiel specifically. Finally, she turned to her right and decisively kissed Kevin right on the lips. It was a long, wet kiss that took everyone by surprise- especially Kevin. They all cheered and wolf-whistled, chanting Kevin's name. When she pulled away, she pressed her lips together and smirked at him. Kevin's eyes almost bugged out and he gulped in embarrassment.

They all turned to Castiel, who felt like he was swaying, even though he knew he was sitting perfectly still. "Is it my turn?" They nodded. "Okay, I want a dare." _I probably couldn't think of something I haven't done anyways._

Subconsciously, he knew what everyone was going to say, and if the look on Dean's face was anything to go by, he was sure Dean knew it, too. "I dare you and Dean to kiss."

"Really, guys? Come on," Dean griped. Maybe it was the alcohol thinking on Castiel's behalf, but he could swear Dean didn't actually look very upset with the direction he was given.

The girls shook their head with wide grins, and the group started drunkenly chanting both 'Do it! Do it!' and 'Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!' at the same time.

"Dude, if we had to do it, then so do you. It's the rules," Victor said, followed by an agreeing nod from Adam. Cas looked at Dean for his input. Dean licked his lips and shrugged. Castiel raised his eyebrows again to try and communicate. ' _We'd basically be telling everyone the truth.'_

Dean rolled his eyes and gestured with his face pointedly. ' _If we don't, they'd be more suspicious.'_ Cas sighed and nodded. Cas got up on his knees and swayed a little before getting on all fours. Dean followed suit, and they crawled closer to each other from across the circle. The group cheered and howled their encouragement.

When they were an inch away, Dean's eyes moved to Cas's lips and back up to his eyes. "Are you sure?" Cas mumbled. Dean answered by surging his head forward and sealing their lips together. Instead of pulling away after a peck like the other guys did, Dean parted his lips and pressed forward, sliding their kiss deeper. Cas felt like his arms were about to fall out from underneath him, but if Dean was sure they wouldn't be suspicious, he could go along with it. The group around them whooped and whistled and clapped at their enthusiasm.

The way Dean's beer and chocolate-flavored tongue was on his lips as if they were alone had Cas instantly harder than he cared to admit, especially since they were surrounded by people who were never supposed to know. When Dean finally pulled away with one last little pull on Cas's bottom lip, his lust-blown eyes found his again and he smirked like maybe he knew exactly what he was doing.

They settled back down in their spots, and Dean exaggerated an overwhelmed face and took a drink from his beer. Cas, on the other hand, felt very genuinely overwhelmed and downed the rest of the liquid in his cup. The group was still rowdy and making various comments. 'God _damn_ , son!' and 'Holy _shit_!' and 'What have you boys not been telling us?' and 'Was it as good as I told you it would be, Deano?' and 'Oh my God, that was so hot.' being among them.

"Okay, it's official, _that_ is how you win a game," Charlie announced, impressed. She gestured for everyone to drink for losing, and Cas looked back at Dean who was still eyeing him like he could eat Cas alive. Cas gulped and broke eye contact. _I am such a goner._

 

**& &**

 

After they had all had a little bit more to drink, Dean was swaying on his feet. He felt that really nice, warm feeling all over that nothing could really damage. The kind of sensation that makes you feel like you could do anything, it makes you brave (or ridiculously stupid). Either way, after Cas had excused himself to go find the bathroom, that drunken sensation had Dean following him a few minutes later.

Dean had watched him to find out which bathroom he was going into, just to be sure. He quietly approached the door and turned the knob experimentally. It was unlocked. _Cas and his horrible ability to remember to lock the door._ Dean finished twisting the doorknob and peered in. Cas was swaying while he washed his hands, playing a little bit in the soap bubbles, but otherwise unperturbed. Dean took a step in and turned off the light, shut the door and locked it quickly.

"Hello? Somebody's in here," Cas called out blindly. Dean could hear him rinsing his hands in the water and shutting it off. "Hello?" Dean smiled to himself and reached out to place his hands on Cas's hips firmly and keep him against the counter, but he kept the rest of his body away from Castiel's. Cas froze and tried to squirm out of the grip. "Get- What- I think you've got the wrong guy." Dean huffed another laugh, pressing his groin into Cas's ass. "Whoa whoa whoa- You have _definitely_ got the wrong guy."

Dean decided it was time the games were over, and he pressed himself completely against Cas and nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Cas's breath was shaky and his body unmoving. Dean moved his lips and grazed them against his friend's stubbly jaw and up to his ear. "I think I've got the right guy," he mumbled. Immediately, Cas relaxed and let out the breath he was holding. Dean chuckled and pressed a kiss to the skin where Cas's jaw met his neck, and Castiel sighed, leaning his head back slightly onto Dean's shoulder. "Trick or treat," Dean said with a small laugh. He inhaled deeply as he pressed a lingering kiss to Castiel's neck. "Got ya a little shaky, huh?"

"No," Cas muttered lightheartedly. Dean smiled against his skin and kissed slowly over the area of his neck and cheek he could reach. Dean let his hands move from where they were still gripping Cas's sides tightly and used them to roam the front of his torso. "You smell like booze and chocolate." Dean laughed softly again.

"Prob'ly 'cause I've been drinkin' booze an' eatin' chocolate," Dean murmured with a lazy smile. He pulled aside the soft material of the collar of Cas's sweater and bit gently on the skin underneath where his neck and shoulder met.

Cas moaned and relaxed against him further, letting one arm rest on the counter to keep him upright. "What was that kiss all about? You were practically fucking my mouth in front of all of our friends."

Dean hummed and sucked on Cas's throat. "I think-" kiss "-you wanted me to." Dean paused to slide his hand underneath Cas's sweater and up to his chest. "Y'wore this outfit- y'don't even like Star Trek," he mumbled into Cas's skin, his voice slurring. Cas's breath was ragged, and he wasn't trying to hold up an argument. Dean rubbed one of Cas's nipples and rutted his groin tighter against Cas's ass, earning another moan from Cas as he swayed back into it. "But y'know I do- know Kirk's my favorite. Wore it to tease me." He used his other hand not under Cas's shirt to palm Cas over his jeans. Cas almost inaudibly whispered his name encouragingly. "Y’sit there an' watch me... try to judge my reaction to everythin'. Don't think I didn't see you watchin' me." He palmed him harder and began grinding his hips into Cas's rhythmically. Cas pleadingly groaned his name louder and moved his hands to cover both of Dean's. Dean grazed his lips over the expanse of his neck and up to his ear. "Watchin' you, too, Cas. Only watchin' you," he purred.

Dean slipped his hand beneath the waistband of Cas's pants and found his cock hard and uncovered. He chuckled softly and started stroking him. Cas let out a harsh breath and shuddered against him. "Bet you wanted me to follow you, huh? Wanted us to get away from everyone so I can get you off. Wanted me to make you scream in here so maybe people might walk by the door an' hear how fuckin' slutty you are, gettin' off in the next room. But the music is loud enough, they won't care." He pressed a few more wet kisses and bites to Cas's neck and stroked his cock harder and making Cas's body limp against him. "But they'll know. You're in here gettin' off. Bet that makes it even more excitin', doesn't it?"

Cas moaned loudly. "D-Dean," he choked out. Dean bit down on his throat and sucked on it, massaging it with his tongue. "F-f- _fuck_. You've got a filthy fuck-fucking mouth, Dean," he stammered. "One of these days- _shit_ \- someone's gonna fuck th-those wor-words right out of that- _uhn_ -" Cas whimpered and arched his back on a particularly good twist of Dean's hand to his cock. "-m-mouth of yours.”

Dean smirked. "Yeah?" Cas nodded hesitantly, and Dean would definitely be lying if he said the idea of Cas fucking his mouth wasn't hot as hell. Dean removed his hands from Cas, earning a whimper from him, and spun him around so they were facing each other. He slotted their groins back together and resumed their grinding. Cas's breath was hot and trembling on his cheek as he clutched at Dean's shirt. Dean let his hands balance on the counter to hold them up and he rested his forehead against Cas's temple so their mouths were less than an inch apart.

It was pitch-black in the bathroom, but he could tell Cas's eyes were connected with his. "You wanna?" Dean murmured, his lips ghosting across Castiel's. Cas's breath hitched and he nodded slowly. Dean pressed their mouths together, already both open and wanting. Cas moaned into his mouth and rutted against him in a desperate attempt to hurry things along, but Dean was going to kiss him until he felt like stopping. Dean used his tongue to roam Cas's mouth and push against Cas's own. He nibbled and sucked on his lips until they were swollen. He finally pulled his lips away, and they breathed heavily against each other. "Then do it."

Dean sunk to his knees with a loud thud and began unbuttoning Cas's pants. " _Dean_ ," Cas whispered, his hands falling to rest on Dean's shoulders and cling to the material of his vest desperately. Dean grinned into the darkness and tugged down Cas's pants to his thighs, eliciting a small hiss from him.

Dean leaned forward to mouth against the base of Cas's cock, holding onto the back of Cas's legs right above the knee. "Come on, Cas. Fuck the words out of my mouth," he urged. Cas moaned even louder at the sound of him saying it, and when he licked the head of Cas's cock between his lips, all of his restraint broke.

Cas moved one of his hands to hold tightly to the longer hair on the top of Dean's head as he bucked his hips forward while simultaneously pulling Dean's head into them. Dean almost gagged, but he immediately relaxed his throat and swallowed around him encouragingly. "Fuck," Cas groaned with another buck of his hips into the heat of Dean's mouth. Dean swallowed around the head and used his tongue to massage where it could. " _Dean_! God." He gripped Dean's hair tighter as he pulled Dean's head back before slamming it back down to the base of his cock.

" _Holy shit_ , Dean," Cas moaned. Dean grabbed the back of Cas's thighs tighter _because wow, I was_  not _expecting him to be so forceful_. Feeling reassured that he wasn't going to hurt Dean, he began to set up a rhythmic pace. Sometimes he held Dean's face still while he fucked into his mouth with just his hips. Sometimes he kept his hips still and bounced Dean's head onto his cock. More often, he used both simultaneously. Moving Dean's head and his hips back before slamming them back together almost brutally. "DeanDeanDean _fuckfuckDe-ean_ ," he chanted gutturally.

Dean would never admit just how hot Cas losing control was- the way he moaned and screamed like he was paid for it, and all for Dean. How he's standing there _shoving_ his cock down Dean's throat and only giving Dean time to swallow around him before slamming back in... Dean dug his nails into the back of his thighs harder, his own arousal hurting from straining so hard against his zipper. The pressure of Dean's fingers caused Cas's hips to stutter momentarily, the only thing disrupting his rhythmic pace. "Shit," he breathed. Cas moved his hand that was clinging to his shoulder so that they were both gripping Dean's head, this one holding the back where it connects to the neck. _Fuck, he's about to fuck my throat_. The thought itself almost sent him over the edge, but he braced himself.

He slammed Dean's head back and forth on his cock like there was no tomorrow, but he was grinding his hips consistently. He added and extra grind to his hips when Dean's mouth was fully covering his dick, pointedly rubbing his tonsils. "De-De-De-Dean, _fuck it’s so good_ ," he panted loudly. Dean had begun subconsciously humping his own hips forward, consequently rubbing his restrained dick against the unforgiving material of his pants. The friction felt so good, he just couldn't stop, even if that meant creaming his pants like a goddamn 15 year old.

He would never admit it out loud, but he loved Cas using him like this. Just completely fucking into his mouth and throat with abandon. Cas's increasingly louder groans were a sure sign of him being really close. Dean grabbed on for dear life and began sucking and swallowing with all his might while also trying to hum around him. "Dean!” Cas screamed suddenly, hips stuttering again. Dean didn't falter, no matter how close he was himself from coming untouched. " _God_ yeah, Dean! _Fuck_ -!”

With two more thrusts, Cas came right into the tight throat. The hot liquid caught Dean off-guard and next thing he knew, he was coming in his pants right after him with a long grunt. The vibrations around Cas's dick caused him to scream again and his legs to shake, another shot hitting the back of Dean's throat. Dean swallowed around him and pulled off gently, licking and sucking the rest of the mess he could feel. "Dean," Cas breathed heavily.

Dean smiled and tucked him back into his pants and buttoned them as best as he could in the darkness. His own pants were getting cold, and he really hoped everyone was too drunk to notice the wet spot that was bound to be obvious. He stood up slowly, still way too drunk and way too fucked-out to stand upright on his own, and leaned against Cas and the counter behind him. He rested their foreheads together and tried to catch his breath. He was finding it really hard to speak, or even find the words he wanted to say. "Did you-?" Cas muttered against his cheek. He nodded silently, and Cas huffed a laugh. "Did I fuck the words out of your mouth?"

Dean shook with a weak chuckle and nodded again. They stood together in a comfortable silence, and Dean was on the edge of falling asleep right there. Cas nudged him in the ribs, causing him to squirm. "We should really get out of here," Cas suggested quietly. Dean sighed in disappointment but nodded anyways. Dean grabbed his arm and held it behind him while he reached out to find the doorknob and unlock it. Dean opened it enough to peer out and make sure the coast is clear. "Dean-" Without thinking, Dean turned his head and caught Cas's mouth with his own briefly, just to savor the memory before they had to leave and keep acting like they didn't just fool around in the bathroom. He felt Cas smile against him, and he smiled back. Dean took the extra moment to fit his lips to Cas's  _just one more time_ before pulling away and exiting the darkness of the bathroom.

The light burned his eyes and he squinted, trying to see where everyone was. Charlie and Jo were snuggled up on the couch and talking. Chuck was hopelessly trying to chase Becky in his heavy costume while she was storming out the front door. Victor and Adam had both gone off to find their hook-ups for the night, and Meg and Kevin were nowhere to be found. _Good luck, little buddy._

Cas walked around him and stood to face him. Dean got a good look at how debauched Cas was- clothes askew and hanging loosely in a few spots, lips kissed deep pink and swollen- but Dean was sure he looked 100 times worse. If Cas's amused grin was anything to go by, his assumption was spot- on. "Shut up," he tried to say, his hoarse voice caught in his throat. Cas laughed at that and shook his head. Dean pulled out his phone to check the time. It was already 12:48 AM, and he was exhausted from the alcohol and _rigorous_ activity.

He showed Cas the time as they started walking. "Do you want to just go home? I'm really tired, but if you want to stay, I'll leave the door unlocked for you," Cas suggested with a yawn.

Dean tried to say 'I'm tired, too,' but nothing was going to come out, so he just nodded and walked with Cas out the front door, everyone else too wasted to pay them any mind.

"-But it's our third date!" They heard a familiar voice yell objectively. When they walked closer, they could see Chuck yelling at a car window. "Things were going really well between us! What was I supposed to think?"

"Not that I'm going to have sex with you! I'm 17!" Becky screamed back from inside the car.

"You're _what?!_ "

"That's awkward," Cas mumbled to Dean. Dean made a noise to signal his agreement.  _May the Force be with you, Chuck. You're gonna need it._


	10. November 16, 2013

"Joanna Beth Harvelle, I _know_ you did not just hang up on me!" The stern voice of her mom boomed from the receiver. Meg looked over to Jo from her bed with a questioning look.

Jo rolled her eyes. "Sorry, Mom! My hand slipped, and it must've hit the 'end call' button."

"'End call' button- creative," Meg commented with a smirk, focusing on painting her toenails.

"Bite me," Jo tossed at her with a dirty look.

" _What_ did you just say to me? Joanna, I will _not_ hesitate to come down there and whoop your smartass in front of all your little friends. Do you hear me?"

"No, Mom, I wasn't talking to you. I was-" Meg laughed to herself and Jo threw a stuffed animal at her.

"You better not have been talking to me. Now, if I could have your attention, you need to answer my question," Ellen said, returning to the subject. Jo sighed and laid back on her bed. _I hate decisions._

"I don't know what to say, Mom. Char asked me to go to her parent's house for Thanksgiving-"

"Tell her to come here. You have a family, too, you know. I'm not just going to have it be me, Rufus, and Miles. I love that boy- you know I do- but he is just too much for me to handle for that long by myself."

"You'll have Rufus! And his name is Ash, not Miles," she replied.

"That's just more testosterone for me to have to deal with. Jo, baby, please just come home for Thanksgiving. Tell Charlie I'll make her anything she wants. Tell her she can have her parents come here, and we can all meet. How does that sound?"

Jo huffed again. She wanted to go home for Thanksgiving, of course she did, but Charlie was so excited about Jo meeting her parents- how was she supposed to say no? "Mom-"

"Listen, just talk to her about it, and see what she has to say about it. I miss you, baby. I just want a couple of days where I can actually see that you're okay," Ellen said quietly.

"I'm okay, Mama, I promise. I'll talk to her about it today," she replied. She heard her mom let out a relieved breath. "You and Rufus have a fun date tonight. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"I have been with that man for eight years now, I think I can do whatever the hell I want with him," Ellen retorted with a laugh.

" _Okay_ , I do not need to hear this," Jo inserted dismissively. "Happy anniversary, y'all. I love you."

"I love you, Mommy!" Meg yelled from across the room. Jo rolled her eyes, and her mom laughed.

"I love you too, baby. Tell Meg I said to stay out of trouble,” her mom said before they hung up.

Jo turned her radio back on and rolled onto her stomach, squishing a pillow underneath her chin. Meg screwed the lid back on her nail polish and wiggled her toes. "What do you think I should do?"

"You're asking _me_ for advice on family issues?" Meg asked with a raised eyebrow. Jo shrugged. "What do _you_ want to do?"

"That's the problem. I want to spend Thanksgiving with Charlie, and I don't care where we go. I just don't know if her parents are traditional or something and wouldn't want to spend it with a backwoods family like mine."

"Then fuck 'em. Don't go anywhere. They don't want to compromise, stay here over break and hang out with me." Meg tilted her head and admired the polish on her toes.

Jo chuckled. "I can't do that. My mom would kill me. And besides, I want Char to meet my mom and Rufus."

Meg shrugged slightly. "I don't see why introducing them is so important."

Jo gave her a sarcastic look. "She _is_ my girlfriend. That's typically the next step in a relationship, you know."

Meg tensed for a second, and her jaw tightened almost imperceptibly. "Sorry- guess I just don't have much experience in the field." Jo sighed apologetically. Meg had such a strong personality, sometimes it was difficult for Jo to remember she had feelings too. Meg shook her head and returned to her usual calm and controlled expression. "Well, if you really think it's so important, I say ask Red to go to your parents' place and see if her parents will come too. Her parents won't have to worry about space because your mom has the Roadhouse; your parents can meet hers. It's a win-win."

Jo nodded and rolled onto her back. "Yeah, you're right. Thanks." Meg nodded absently and buffed her fingernails. "You can come too, if you want. It's no trouble or anything."

Meg looked up from her nails and gave her a small smile. "Nah, don't worry about me, sugar. I've gone this long without awkward family get-togethers, I can keep going."

 _But why don't you have family get-togethers?_ Jo sighed and rolled off the bed, walking to the dresser to get a clean pair of jeans. "Well, the offer is always going to be extended, so if you ever change your mind..." Meg nodded again understandingly. "So I have a question-"

"Oh my God. Do I _look_ like Google to you?"

Jo rolled her eyes and changed pants, ignoring Meg's remark. "Are you actually interested in Cas?"

She pulled off her shirt and looked for a new one. Meg chuckled at the question. "I'm never interested in anyone who isn't interested in me."

"What makes you think he isn't interested in you?"

"Well, for starters, I'm not a six-foot-fall, Southern dreamboat with green eyes and a cock," Meg mumbled sarcastically.

Jo gave her a confused look. "What... _Dean_?"

"Yes, Dean."

"You really think there's something going on there?" Meg nodded at her like it was obvious. Jo shucked on a worn-down tank top and sat down to lace up her boots. "I don't know... I mean, _maybe_ , but Cas isn't gay-"

"All we _know_ is that he fucks women," Meg replied accordingly. "That doesn't rule out Dean, or any other guy for that matter."

Jo mulled the idea over. "Well, either way, Dean definitely isn't gay- he's, like, the straightest guy I've ever met."

Meg scoffed at Jo's words before turning to give her a pointed look. "Alright- one: that's because you're from Southern California and we've all got a little fruit in our cup here." Jo rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Two: he's _obviously_ overcompensating. I can see past that rugged, manly exterior and into his sensitive, cheesy little heart of his. Besides, why would I be a more believable interest for Clarence than Dean?"

Jo considered the question. "They have nothing in common."

"That's not-" Meg stopped and went a different route. "How much do you and Red have in common?" Jo opened and closed her mouth around words she couldn't quite articulate. She and Charlie weren't  _that_ different; Charlie was just more of a geek than she was.

Meg waved her hand dismissively. "Just leave it, Blondie. If you don't want to consider the possibility of two of your really hot friends fucking, it's alright with me. I'll think about it all I want." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively, and Jo laughed. "You going to work?"

"Yeah. Fuckin' Ruby called out again. I seriously don't understand why she has a job if she's not going to work." Jo pulled on her jacket and put her pocket knife in her boot.

Meg snorted. "Because she's a stupid cunt who likes to make everyone's lives difficult," she spat under her breath. Meg was still looking at her nails, retrieving the polish again.

"I still don't know why you hate her so much." Jo waited for Meg's response, but it didn't come. _Fine, it's not like I already know everything about you. Seriously, how can we be friends if you won't tell me shit about your life?_ Jo sighed once more and ignored Meg's lack of cooperation. "Alright, then, I'm going to work now. Try not to kill anybody while I'm gone."

"Bye, sexy," Meg called from the bed as she walked out the door. Jo smiled without turning back and flipped her off before shutting the door. Even behind closed doors, people can't talk out loud about what they're thinking. _Whatever. Maybe someday._

**& &**

_Dan felt different. Better. Stronger. He didn't feel weak or like something was holding him back anymore. He walked closer to the temporarily unmoving body of his brother and loomed over him. For some reason, it felt right seeing Sean on his back, knocked out cold. His older brother came to and looked up at him. "Dan! We gotta burn Ellicott's bones and all this will be over, and you'll be back to normal," Sean rushed out._

_Dan laughed humorlessly. Sean could be really stupid sometimes. "I am normal. I'm just telling the truth for the first time. I mean, why are we even here? 'Cause you're following Dad's orders like a good little soldier? Because you always do what he says without question?" Sean looked at him in shock. "Are you that desperate for his approval?"_

_Sean hesitated momentarily. "This isn't you, Dan."_

_"That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic, like you," he said. He knew the words would hurt his brother- always so delicate when it came to his being Daddy's good little soldier._

_Sean hardened. "So what are you gonna do, huh? Are you gonna kill me?"_

_"You know what, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We're no closer to finding Dad today than we were six months ago." And it was true. This wild goose chase they were on- it was pointless. They might find Dad, and then what? This was all Sean's fault._

"You do realize you're talking out loud, right?" A British voice interrupted his train of thought. Chuck looked up from his bright laptop screen and over to the figure standing in the doorway. "And why are you sitting in the dark?" He flipped on the lights and Chuck squeezed his eyes shut at the suddenness.

"I was in my zone, Balthazar," Chuck replied sourly.

"Oh, you got into something, alright," he mumbled, entering the room and closing the door behind him. Chuck rolled his eyes and grumbled, pushing his glasses back up his nose and turning his attention back to his Word document. He hoped his roommate would do what he always did and vanish somewhere. "What are you typing?"

Chuck grumbled again and took his glasses off. "It's a novel about two brothers who hunt the supernatural- I've explained this to you several times."

Balthazar made a face and took out a clean change of clothes- a tight v-neck and even tighter black skinny jeans every day. _Why bother even changing?_ "Have you talked to Rebecca lately?"

"Becky!" Chuck blurted impatiently. "Her name is Becky," he added more calmly. "And no, I haven't. Not since the day after Halloween." Thinking of her, he pulled out his cell phone and checked it for new messages, emails, or missed calls. _Nothing._

"That's unfortunate. You seemed to really fancy her from what I saw."

"Well, you didn't see much because you're never around, so you don't know what you're talking about. So just..." Chuck looked away and furrowed his brow. "Stop trying to pretend like you care, and go back to your... manwhoring or whatever it is that you do."

Balthazar pursed his lips and took a few steps closer to Chuck's desk. He leaned his back against the desk and studied Chuck's face. The smaller man sighed pointedly. "You know, Chuck, when someone is trying to be friendly, it's best to try and be civil in return instead of saying malicious things in an attempt to keep your defenses up," Balthazar spoke evenly. Chuck made a point of not looking at him. "You never know what types of people who could prove to be very good friends if only you'd let them." He patted Chuck gently on the shoulder and got up when Chuck remained silent. "Don't complain about not having friends if you're not willing to make an effort in return."

Chuck wasn't a huge fan of Psychology majors in general. Cas was cool for a Psy-Guy because he was Cas, but Balthazar was just his ass of a roommate. Chuck was also, like, ninety-percent sure that Balthazar was only a Psychology major because he could use his observational skills to make women (- _people, sorry-_ ) think he really _understood_ them on a deeper level before getting them into bed.

Chuck thought about Balthazar's advice. _I have friends. What does he know about me? Nothing._  Chuck stood up determinedly and spun around to face him. "I have friends."

Balthazar nodded quietly as he changed shirts. Chuck huffed and shielded his eyes. "It's just a bit of partial nudity. Don't be such a prude," Balthazar mumbled. "Anyways, who are your friends? Think hard about your definition of the word."

"What are you talking-" Chuck broke off to consider it. "A friend is someone you talk to regularly... Someone who will hang out with you and not make fun of you- well, not whenever it means something, anyways. Um, yeah. Castiel is my friend. So is Charlie. And, um... This guy, Jim, is pretty nice to me."

Balthazar wiggled into his pants and considered what Chuck said. "'This guy, Jim, is pretty nice to me.' That's- that's pretty vague, I won't lie to you. If you want my opinion-" _Which I don't._ "-you should try to make more of an effort. I don't mean going out of your way to talk to new people, don't get your knickers in a bunch. I just mean, stop writing everyone off. Stop keeping your guard up. Let someone in if they seem like they want to get to know you. Or even if they're just being friendly, be civil back. I can guarantee it will be worth it."

Chuck's mouth opened and closed around words that never came out. _Nobody wants to be my friend- what is he talking about? It's not my fault. Nobody wants to be friends with the weird, sketchy guy that sits behind a computer all day and all night because of his social anxiety and insomnia. Or the tool who takes a minor to a college party, gets her drunk and tries to sleep with her._ Chuck rubbed a tired hand over his face. _God, even I wouldn't be my friend._

As if he could read his thoughts, Balthazar put a hang on his shoulder. "Whatever you're thinking is wrong. Just stop thinking whatever it is that is stressing you out. I promise there will always be someone who will want to be your friend."

Chuck nodded absently. The larger man patted him and got his jacket. "Hey- uh, what are- uh, what are you doing- doing, uh, today?" Chuck stammered, trying to seem casual as he crossed and uncrossed his arms and shifted on his feet.

Balthazar laughed and shucked his jacket on. "I have a date with destiny." Chuck furrowed his brow in confusion. "If destiny was a busty set of twins." Chuck huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes before sitting back down at his desk. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

Chuck turned on his laptop and put his glasses back on. With a wave over his shoulder, he replied, "Don't worry about it. I've, uh, I've got to get this chapter out by Monday, so..."

"Right. Well-" His roommate clapped his hands, and Chuck heard the door handle turn. "See you, mate." Chuck didn't spare a glance over his shoulder until he heard the door shut behind his roommate.

"'I promise there will be someone who will be your friend.' What does he know? He doesn't know me." _Because you won't let him._ "Shut up. Nobody wants to be friends with the guy who talks to himself out loud all the time." _If you had someone else to talk to, you wouldn't talk to yourself so much; keep your thoughts in your head._ "Stop. Focus, Chuck. This is what Dad was talking about. 'You'll never make it as a writer because you can never focus on anything.' Focus."

He shook his head and let his hands flow on the keyboard.

_"Well, then here. Let me make it easier for you." Sean took his gun and extended it towards Dan. Dan looked at the gun, not moving. "Come on. Take it. Real bullets are gonna work a hell of a lot better than rock salt," he spoke with anger seeping through his voice. Dan didn't make any move yet, so Sean added a loud "Take it!"_

_Dan snatched the gun and pointed it at his brother. He was just so consumed with all of his previously repressed rage, it didn't matter that the person at the other end of the barrel was the only real dad, brother, and friend he ever knew. Right now, Sean was just the person who ruined his life. Dan had been set, he finally got out. He was on his way to getting into medical school and marrying the girl of his dreams. Then Sean had to come back and suck him back in like a black hole. Cleaning up Dad's messes as always. Jennifer would still be alive if Sean would have let him be. "You hate me that much? You think you could kill your own brother?" Sean asked slowly._ _Dan kept the gun pointed directly at his face. Sean's jaw tightened and he snapped. "Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. Do it!"_

Chuck's phone rang loudly from its spot on his desk. He groaned and answered it. "What?"

"Uh... Chuck?" A gravelly voice sounded from the other end. Chuck pulled the phone back to check the caller ID.

"Oh, hello, Castiel- sorry, I was distracted." Chuck rubbed two of his fingers over the bridge of his nose under his glasses.

"Are you okay?" Castiel seemed worried. _Probably just being polite._

"Yeah, I'm fine. What's up?"

"Did you have anything planned for tonight?"

Chuck perked up a little. "No! No, uh... Yeah, nothing planned. Why?"

"I need to ask a favor of you." Chuck sank back down in his seat. _Of course._ "Could you cover my shift tonight? You can close early if you want- that's what I do on Saturdays."

He fiddled with the ripped, worn fabric of his jeans. "Uh, yeah. Sure."

"Oh, um. If you don't want to, I understand. Yes- nevermind, I'm sorry. I've got to call-" Castiel rushed out awkwardly.

"No, really, it's no problem. I don't want anyone to have to cancel their plans whenever I've got nothing going on." _Nothing at all._

Castiel hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Have fun doing- whatever it is you're doing."

"I've, uh-" Castiel let out a faint nervous laugh. "I have a date tonight."

Chuck nodded to himself. _Of course. Everyone does except for me._ "That's... good."

"Yes," Castiel paused, letting a small silence fall over the phone. "Have you heard from Becky?"

"No," Chuck answered quietly. "I, uh- I don't think I'll be hearing from her again."

Castiel didn't laugh at him. He didn't 'aww' at him in pity; he didn't do anything like people usually do. "If you need to... talk or anything, I'm here. Try not to worry about her, though. She was underage and couldn't really appreciate you. You'll find someone way better suited for you, I'm sure."

Chuck snorted sadly. "Or I'll just die alone."

"You won't die alone, Chuck. You have your friends. I'm not going to ever just _not_ be here for you."

"So we're friends?" Chuck asked slowly.

He heard Castiel huff a laugh. "Well, I thought so."

Chuck smiled down at his lap. "Me too." He stayed silent for a moment and Castiel cleared his throat. "So, yeah, don't worry about tonight. I'll cover your shift. Have fun on your date."

"Thank you, Chuck. I owe you one." He said he had to go and they hung up.

 _We really are friends… I have friends._ Chuck laughed inwardly. “Fuck you, Dad, I’ve got friends.”

 

**& &**

 

"Tonight is gonna be boss, man. I'm gonna get wa-ay-hay-hay-sted," Adam said enthusiastically, spinning a football in his hands.

"Stop saying things are 'boss'," Victor said with his lips pursed, intently focused on his video game. "It's stupid."

" _You're_ stupid. And, okay, tonight's going to be fucking _delightful_ , is that better?" Adam made a face and Victor mocked it right back.

"Tonight isn't going to happen if I can't level up. Man, I cannot believe you destroyed my damn computer, and took me out of commission for a _week_."

"How many times do I have to apologize? I just used your computer for homework, you said it was cool."

"Bullshit!" Victor paused his game and saved it- again- and spun around to face him. "You downloaded porn! Onto _my_ laptop! _My_ laptop now has _your_ weirdly romantic porn."

Adam snorted a laugh and flopped onto the desk behind him. "It's not weird, it has a nice soundtrack, and the girls don't have the whole," he motioned to his face, "dead eyes thing. And- hey! You were watching my porn!"

Victor scoffed. "It's _my_ computer! I can do what I want on my computer! Also, who _downloads_ porn? You’re just begging for a virus. And it's not _my_ fault yours broke."

"It actually is kind of your fault." Victor opened his mouth to defend himself. "Remember that girl you brought back two weeks ago?" Victor nodded. "She said you never called and was yelling at me and broke my computer thinking it was yours."

Victor fought back a smile, but a snort escaped him. Adam rolled his eyes and hopped off the desk. "Good ol’ Tiffany. Freak in the sheets, freak in the streets. I wonder how she’s doing.”

Adam opened his mouth to reply again when their room's end of the bathroom opened and Gordon popped his head through. _I really hate these suites. Conjoined bathrooms suck._ "Are you two homos gonna stay in here with your thumbs up each other's asses, or are you gonna get ready?"

"We're just playing football, why would we need to get ready?" Victor asked, and Gordon made a face.

"Just shut up, and tell Dean to hurry his pretty ass up. We're gonna meet on the quad. Nick went to get the beers and should be there when we are."

Victor made no rush of shutting down his computer, and Gordon tapped his foot on the ground impatiently. "You know, if you keep calling Dean's ass pretty and calling us homos people might start thinking you're overcompensating," Adam said with a smirk.

Gordon's eyes lost all amusement and he grimaced. "You tryin' to say something, Milligan? You wanna come out and say what you think?"

"Dude, calm down. He was joking. Besides, being called gay isn't even an insult- just inaccurate in our cases," Victor defended calmly, grabbing their room key and putting the lanyard around his neck.

"You guys suck," Gordon mumbled as he shut the bathroom door and disappeared.

Victor and Adam walked out of their room and rushed down the two flights of stairs to Dean's floor. "Hey- what do you think about Cas?"

Victor looked at him questioningly. "Why?" He took the football from Adam.

Adam shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "I don’t know… He and Dean are BFFs, and we've actually gotten to get to know him a little... Just curious what you think about him."

"He's, uh... He's quiet. And a nerd. But not as quiet and nerdy as he was last year. He's cool, I guess, once you get to know him- which... Which we really haven't done. But I guess he's pretty laid back. Why, what do you think about him?"

Adam shrugged again. "About the same. I kinda wonder how he can be so quiet and get so many girls throwing themselves at him." Adam shook his head and muttered "He must be _great_ in bed."

Victor laughed and elbowed him suggestively. "You curious about finding out for yourself?" Adam told him to shut up and punched his arm. It wasn't his fault he had a bad habit of talking before thinking.

"You know he's going out with Tessa tonight? I heard her telling Pam about it. _She_ asked _him_ out."

"You're shittin' me." Victor peered at him skeptically.

Adam nodded. " _Seriously_. Every time I try to talk to Tess, she just tells me she isn't interested. And lo and behold, Mr. Sex Hair can get her to ask him out within their second conversation ever."

"'Mr. Sex Hair'?" Victor asked with a raised eyebrow as they neared Dean's dorm.

"Shut _up_." Victor laughed at him again. When they got closer to the door, they could hear music playing loudly from within the room. It was some classic rock stuff, so obviously it was Dean's music. "What the hell?"

The music was quiet enough to not disturb everyone in the hall, but loud enough that you couldn't hear inside. Victor returned his confused look and knocked on the door. "Shit," they heard a voice say from inside. _Sounds like Dean, but... different?_

"Dean?" Victor called with another couple of knocks.

"Uh- yeah- uh, one second!" Dean shouted back, his voice cracking a little.

Adam mouthed 'What the fuck?' and Victor shrugged.

The volume of the music increased slightly, and there was a loud bang on the wall. "Holy shit!" Dean all-but-yelled.

Victor knocked on the door again. "Dean, are you okay?"

"Yeah- fuck- guys, just give me a minute!" Victor and Adam exchanged looks again when they heard another bang and a gravelly " _Fuck_."

'Is he-?' Victor mouthed. Adam raised his eyebrows and shrugged slightly. He opened his mouth to respond when they heard the music stop and a couple of hushed whispers. Adam knocked this time, and someone sighed heavily.

"Just a minute- damn, guys, chill. I'm going as fast as I can," Dean's voice spoke clearly and exasperatedly. The boys backed up from the door and waited. They heard the other door inside shut and a couple of hushed voices again before the room door opened.

"It's about damn time," Victor said when he saw Dean. Dean rolled his eyes and walked into the room, leaving the door open for his friends. Dean's face was slightly red, some sweat clinging to the back of his shirt. "Were you exercising?"

Dean snorted and his eyes darted around the room. "No, I was cleaning and it's hot in here. Shut up." Adam gave the room a once-over and nodded even though it really didn't look any cleaner than usual. Cas's stuff is organized for the most part, and Dean's is clean, but he doesn't have a lot of stuff to begin with, so it shouldn't be that hard to clean up. "So, are we ready to go or what?"

"Uh, yeah- is Cas on his date already?" Adam asked. Victor grinned at him slightly and he huffed, stealing the football back. Dean opened his mouth, but was cut off by Cas coming out of the bathroom. Cas had on a bluish-grey and white plaid button up on with a black sweater vest pulled over top and a nice pair of jeans fitting well on his lower half. _If I wasn't straight…_ "Lookin' spiffy there, Cas," Adam complimented with a smile. Victor elbowed him again. _Asshat._

Castiel shyly smiled a thanks to him and grabbed his wallet. When Cas noticed Dean was watching him, he cleared his throat a little and averted his eyes. _Cute_. "So, Tessa, right? What are you two crazy kids getting up to tonight?" Victor questioned.

Castiel looked up, his hair untidy but tidy at the same time ( _Seriously, how does this kid do it?_ ) and chuckled. "Yes, Tessa. We're just getting a cup of coffee and hanging out, as far as I know," Cas replied, walking closer. He held out his arms at his sides. "Do I look presentable?"

The three other guys looked him up and down, studying his disposition. He fidgeted a little bit under the scrutiny, and Adam guessed he meant the question rhetorically. Victor nodded and Dean gave him a small grin that Adam couldn't read if he wanted to, and Adam noticed a little spot on the side of his mouth. "You, uh-" He motioned to his own mouth where the spot was on Cas. "You got a little something." Castiel furrowed his brow and reached his hand up to the wrong side of his mouth. Adam laughed inwardly and switched hands. "The other side." Castiel's thumb landed on the little white, dry spot and Adam nodded. Castiel wiped it off and blushed when he saw it. He glanced over and met Dean's eyes. He looked like he was inwardly debating something before he hesitantly wiped it on his jeans.

"Sorry, I was brushing my teeth and I guess some toothpaste dried," he rushed out. Cas turned away and grabbed his key and shoved it in his pocket.

Dean fidgeted on his feet and clapped his hands together. "Are we ready to go, or are we just going to stand around?"

Victor nodded and headed towards the door. "Later, Castiel." Cas nodded and waved slightly.

"Bye, Cas. Make sure she puts out!" Adam called over his shoulder. He heard Dean snort sarcastically, and he shoved Adam from behind. He and Victor walked ahead, missing whatever it is Dean was saying to Castiel. When Dean caught up, he took the ball from Adam's hands. Adam let him have it and put his hands in his pockets. "So, are there gonna be chicks out tonight?"

Dean sighed and tossed the ball in the air. "There'd better be."

**& &**

_He'd better not be ditching me._ Tessa waited outside of the coffee shop impatiently, her arms crossed to help block some of the breeze rolling in. It was a cool, autumn night and here she was: waiting outside of a perfectly warm building for a guy she didn't even know. She never did this, so why was she doing it now? _Damn that Castiel._

She shivered and held her jacket closer, tapping her foot lightly. Checking her watch, she noticed it was still five minutes before the time they'd agreed on. _So, really, I can't be mad just yet._ A few seconds later, she saw him approaching up the steps with a grin on his face. The butterflies in her gut reminded her of why she was going out on a limb for the first time. There was just _something_ about him that piqued her interest. "Hey, I wanted to be the first one here," he greeted. He walked up to the door and held it open for her.

"What can I say? I'm a stickler for punctuality. Don't worry, though, I wasn't waiting very long," she replied nonchalantly. _If ten minutes isn't very long._ Cas left it at that and smiled at her, offering to place her jacket on the coat rack. She let him remove it and place it on the top of the rack, smoothing it out as he did so. _God, those are some nice hands._ Tessa nodded inwardly and shook her head. _Stop being such a pervert. What would Dad think?_ "So, I'm glad you came."

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?" _Maybe you didn't know me well enough. Maybe I'm not your type. Maybe you're gay. You know, just stuff my friends have been telling me, whatever._ Instead of saying any of that, she just smiled and shrugged. When they approached the counter, Tessa ordered a cappuccino, and Castiel ordered a decaffeinated regular coffee. When she raised an eyebrow to him over his drink choice, he shrugged. "I don't want to be up all night." She laughed inwardly and nodded to herself. _Unpresumptuous. Very refreshing._

They took a seat near the back of the room, away from the louder customers, and she sat her purse on the table. The cashier called their names, and he excused himself to go get them. Quickly, Tessa pulled out her pocket mirror and checked her hair and makeup. _You look fine, Tess. Stop worrying so much._ She took a deep breath and put her mirror away. Castiel came back with their cups and they smiled. "Thank you." She took a sip from her own and settled into her seat. "So, Castiel. Tell me about yourself."

Cas drank from his cup and smiled shyly. "Uh, I'm not entirely sure what there is to tell. I'm from the suburbs in Illinois... I came to California because I hated it back home. And now I'm a Linguistics and Psychology Major," he said deliberately.

"Linguistics and Psychology, that's interesting. Why do you hate Illinois?" Castiel's jaw tightened and he took a sip of his coffee before pressing his lips into a tight line, looking at his hands. _This can go so well. Don't shut me out._

"Just too familiar, I suppose," he said softly. "If you're in one place for too long, it loses its value, I think. I just wanted to get out as fast as possible."

Tess nodded and leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand. "I understand. So, you want to see the world?"

Cas smiled to himself and leaned back into his seat comfortably. "That would be ideal, yes. After school, I want to work for a science journal and observe the different behavioral patterns of various species around the world, so I might be able to be paid to travel."

Tessa watched the little smile that tugged on the corners of Castiel's mouth and smiled in return. _He's so cute when he talks about something that interests him._ "It's really cool that you're into that stuff. Alright, what's your _favorite_ species? Something you could never get tired of?" She took a drink from her cup and watched him think it over.

He squinted his eyes and licked his lip absently, considering the question. "Humans."

She raised her eyebrows. "All of the species in the world and you choose humans."

He leaned forward, eyes glittering enthusiastically. "Just think about it: every single human is unique. We all have our own behaviors, habits, ways of doing things, what makes us tick. But even though we have individual characteristics, we all still have the same core, and a lot of us do the same things even without realizing it. We all like different things, we all look at everything differently, and yet you and I both hold our coffee cups the same way."

He reached out his hand to touch the middle of her cup, the exact way she was holding it, mimicking the motion with his own cup, tucking the top of his pinky into the bottom of the cup. "See? So many people say it's the little things that set us apart from each other, but I feel like we're all obviously unique- it's the small things that make us similar and bind us together as a whole- as _humanity_." Tessa watched him with wonder as he stopped talking and averted his eyes, a small blush spreading on his cheeks. He laughed nervously. "You probably think that was extremely strange. My apologies."

"Not at all. That was super cool. Kind of beyond my pay grade, but I get it. Your look on life is fascinating."

He grinned and took a drink of his coffee before thumbing at the edge of the lid. "What about you?"

"Born and raised in California. It was just my dad and I, but I'm not really complaining. My dad started a business when he was really young, it's been around forever. I'm majoring in Business Econ for whenever he decides to retire- which won't be any time soon, as far as I can tell."

He nodded, actively listening. _Guys don't listen enough. This is awesome. Also, weird._ "What kind of business?"

Tessa hissed and laughed nervously. "You'll probably think we're weird." Castiel shook his head. "We run a funeral home and undertaking service."

Cas's eyebrows raised, but he nodded nonchalantly. "That's not that weird. You deal more with... dead humans, as opposed to my live ones." She laughed again and shrugged. "What made your dad get into the funeral business?"

She shook her head as she took the last sip of her coffee. "You know, I couldn't tell you. It was so long ago, I doubt even he knows." She leaned forward and added in a hushed tone, "He once told me he's as old as God."

Castiel gave her an amused look. "Really? That's... interesting." He huffed a laugh and downed his last bit of coffee. She wasn't sure what else to talk about, but she didn't want the night to end yet. "Do you want to take a walk?" She let out a breath and nodded. He (being the great guy that he is) helped her with her jacket and opened the door for her.

They walked wordlessly down the steps side-by-side, and she mustered up the courage to wrap her arm around his, fitted into his elbow. He looked down at their interlaced arms with a mildly surprised expression. She thought she might have overstepped some boundaries, and was about to pull back when he just smiled a little and kept walking. "So, what prompted you to ask me out for coffee?"

Tess blushed. "I don't know. I just thought you looked interesting, and you're smart and easy to talk to." She shrugged and looked over at the group of people hanging out by the quad. "You seemed different. I like that."

He gave a half smile and kicked a rock. "I'm not terribly interesting. I'm sorry to disappoint."

"You're totally interesting. Whoever says you aren't is an idiot." He chuckled and thanked her quietly. "Besides, I thought you might've been into me from the way we were dancing at Jo's party towards the beginning of the year."

His brow furrowed, and he gave her a confused look. "Jo's party? I remember dancing with Charlie and..." She raised her eyebrows pointedly. Realization and embarrassment spread across his face. "That was you! Oh my God." He rubbed a hand over his face and laughed. "I was so drunk, I'm sorry. I never do that, and I didn't remember hardly anything from that night." She shrugged, disappointed that he didn't even remember her when he agreed to go out. "I'm really sorry. I'm glad that you invited me out, though, because now you actually got to talk to me instead of... making me into a sandwich with another girl." They laughed again at the thought.

As they got closer to the large group of people, she studied them. "What are they doing?"

Castiel looked in their direction. "Drinking, obviously. And playing football."

"So, like, drunk football? Who does that?"

He huffed a laugh. "Dean and his friends, for one."

"Dean's over there? Let's go say hey," Tessa suggested as she pulled him over towards the side of the quad. She spotted Dean holding a beer, his shirt completely soaked through, talking animatedly to Victor. Victor nodded in their direction, and she called out, "Dean!" He turned around with a little sway to his movement and looked around. She waved, and Dean spotted them. He smiled absently, eyes trailing down and noticing the way she and Cas were standing together before the smile slowly died on his lips.

Tessa didn't really understand why his jaw ticked or why he bit his lip and nodded at them dismissively, but it kind of hurt her feelings. Dean downed the rest of his bottle of beer and tossed it aside before looking at them again as he called his team into a huddle. He pressed his lips tight and turned away. "What's wrong with him?" Castiel fidgeted on his feet and looked at the ground.

"Couldn't tell you if I knew," Cas mumbled. He turned around, taking her with him, and they resumed their walk. They made small talk on the way back to her dormitory, she tried to make jokes and he gave her half-hearted smiles and laughs. All in all, it was a really good date from her end. She didn't notice when they somehow got their arms apart and were walking a foot away from each other by the time they reached the doors. Cas turned to face her. "So..."

"Do you want to come up?" Tess blurted, biting at the edge of her lip uncertainly. When he didn't immediately say yes, she panicked. _Shit, why did you ask? He probably thinks you're a slut._

He scratched at the back of his head and smoothed the hair back down. "I actually promised my friends I would go see their... Renaissance fair-type thing tomorrow, and we have to leave kind of early to get there on time." Her face fell, but she nodded understandingly. "I, uh- I had a good time, though."

She smiled at him. "Me too. We should do this again sometime."

He didn't answer, but he leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Castiel," Tessa replied quietly. He smiled slightly and turned away, walking back with his hands in his coat pockets. She smiled to herself and went inside. _He didn't even try to get me in bed on the first date. You really don't see gentlemen around here anymore. What a great guy._

**& &**

Castiel was completely asleep when he heard the door open and slam. He heard a loud bang, followed by a "Stupid- fucking- table- _shit_." He squinted and sat up onto his elbows. Dean saw him and flopped onto Cas's bed on top of him. Cas groaned and laid back, unable to sit up with Dean's dead weight on him.

"Dean-" Castiel squeezed out. Dean chuckled and shimmied up the bed, somehow maneuvering the blankets so they were both under the covers. Dean was drenched in sweat and smelled like alcohol. "You're gross. You need to shower."

Dean squirmed on top of him and nuzzled his head into Cas's neck. "No, I need to- I needa stay here," he slurred. Dean's hot breath against his collar made Cas shiver, and Castiel could feel the weight of Dean's clothed half-hardness against his bare thigh.

"Dean, what are you doing?" He moved his hands to Dean's sides to try and move him, but Dean caught his wrists and held them above his head, pinned to the bed. He was too sleepy to even care what Dean was doing. When Dean began kissing at his throat, he let out a sigh. Dean began moving his hips into Cas's slightly, rocking them together as he kissed over his neck and collarbone sloppily. "Dean-"

"Would you've gone out ton't if I asked you n'to?" he asked quietly. Cas didn't answer. "I gotta-" he breathed hotly.

"Yeah, go ahead, Dean," Cas murmured with a nudge of his hips into Dean's.

Dean groaned, but pulled back, kissing at Cas's jaw. "No, I gotta- I gotta tell you something," he whispered into Cas's skin. "I want you."

Cas furrowed his brow in confusion. "Yeah, Dean, I want this, too."

Dean sighed exasperatedly, nuzzling his face further against Cas's neck. "No, no, no, you're not listenin’," Dean griped. "I want you." Cas shook his head, unable to do much else under Dean's grip and his weight. "I _want_ you. I'm not supposed to want you, Cas."

"Dean, you're drunk, you-"

"This _thing_ was supposed t’be us- supposed t’be us doing _this_ to let off some steam, right? Jus’ two people helpin' each other out," Dean said softly, his tone frustrated. "I could'a had any girl out there ton't. But I didn't. B'cause I _want_ you. Isn't that fucked up?" He questioned rhetorically. Castiel's chest hurt, and he just wanted to go back to sleep. Dean kissed the sensitive spot on his neck, and Cas sighed, letting his eyes stay shut. "Tess wants you, but _I_ want you."

"Dean, please," Cas breathed. Thanks to Dean rocking up against him insistently, he now had his own erection. Dean needed to either touch him, or get into his own bed because Cas would be okay with going to sleep hard if it meant Dean would just drop the subject and leave him be.

Dean kissed up his neck and up to the hollow under his ear, rubbing his nose against the lobe. "Y'know, I don't even like girls tha' much. I n'ver have a lot. They're just..." Dean shrugged a little and shook his head, and Cas kept his mouth tight. Dean's body stopped its rocking, and he just nuzzled closer into Cas's body, fitting the top of his face into the crook of Cas's neck and resting it there like he had the right to be there. "But wh’tever, I jus' don't care." Castiel swallowed thickly, keeping his eyes shut. "I jus' want you- want you... all the time."

"Dean-" he choked out.

"'m not..." Dean let out a particularly deep sigh against Cas's skin before speaking quieter. "'m not in love with you 'r 'nything. Your body is..." He nuzzled in closer and ran his lips over Cas's throat. "'s warm." Dean sighed heavily again. Relieved, Cas let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

Cas could feel all of Dean pressed up against all of himself: Dean's eyelashes against his neck, the stubble of his jaw against the skin of his own collar; he could feel how he was clothed all the way down to his sneakers. Mostly, he just felt Dean's breath on his skin during their bouts of silence. "I like..." Dean laughed against his skin, and Cas bit his lip, trying not to have expectations for the rest of that sentence. "I like your cock." Castiel let out a shaky laugh, and Dean smiled against his chest.

When Dean was silent and unmoving except his head tilting up and down, slowly nosing at Castiel's neck, Cas spoke softly. "I didn't sleep with her, Dean."

Cas didn't miss Dean's sigh of relief. "You coulda," Dean mumbled. He hesitated before adding, "D'd you wan' to?"

"Not when I have a warm body back here," he whispered back. Dean smiled again and nosed his ear.

"You callin' me easy?" Cas chuckled and rocked his hips into Dean's. Finally, Dean pressed their lips together and moved so he was holding both of Cas's wrists in one hand. Cas opened his mouth for Dean to comfortably slide their lips and tongues together and groaned when Dean pulled his boxers down enough to pull out his cock.

He stroked him three times before moving down Cas’s body- taking his wrists with him- and quickly wrapping his lips around Cas’s dick. " _Dean_ ," Cas breathed, closing his eyes. Dean hummed and began bouncing his head on Cas’s lap eagerly, his one hand pressing Castiel's wrists onto Cas's stomach and pinning them there. Cas’s hips bucked up into the warm tightness of his mouth. He chanted meaningless gibberish, losing himself in the sloppy and fast movement of Dean’s lips. Dean’s fingers of his free hand dug into the skin of Cas's hip to hold him in place. “ _Dean_! Fuck,” he grunted. Dean was amazing at sucking dick, by the way- all soft lips and gentle sighs as he pushed his lips up and down Cas's shaft and swallowing him down like he was born for it. 

Dean pulled his mouth off with a wet slurp and he stroked his cock while mouthing the base of his shaft. “You like that?” Dean mumbled against his skin. Cas nodded adamantly. “Good.” Dean hurriedly took Castiel’s cock back in his mouth and swallowed him completely.

Cas managed to get one of his hands in the top of Dean's hair and held on as Dean's head bobbed faster. " _Uhn_ , Dean," he sighed. Dean hollowed out his lips with a purpose, and the grip Cas had on Dean’s hair tightened as he pulled, choking off a sob. Dean moaned around his sensitive length, and Cas pulled harder. “ _Oh my god_ -Dean, I-” Suddenly, Dean’s lips were off him, and he moved to his previous place of laying on top of Castiel with his hand pinning Cas's wrists above his head.

Dean pulled his shorts down enough to free his own cock and pressed their groins together. “Say my name, Cas,” he murmured against Cas’s jaw. Dean took both of their dicks in his other hand and stroked slowly.

“Dean,” Cas breathed. Dean kissed over his jawline and his neck, sucking only slightly at his Adam's apple. They rocked their hips together into the slow pumping of his hand, thumb brushing over the tips on every upstroke. Dean breathed hotly into his ear and onto the skin of his neck, giving Castiel goosebumps all over. Dean mouthed his name into his skin over and over and squeezed his eyes shut, rocking his hips and stroking a little faster. " _Dean_ ," Cas moaned, his hands clenching and unclenching around nothing.

His fingers caught onto the tip of Dean's thumb and he held onto it, the pad of Dean's thumb pressing into one of his palms. Dean slid their lips together just as smoothly as his fingers slid against those of Cas's and _almost_ intertwined their fingers together. Dean groaned into the kiss, his body jerking as he came over his own fist and into the tight heat between their bodies.

Cas moaned into their kiss before Dean pulled his lips away and pressed his forehead to Cas's cheek, working his hand on Cas's dick faster and still rocking their bodies together. "Please- _please_." Even though he was the one who'd already climaxed, it was Dean who was begging. Cas moaned and rolled his body up into Dean's tight fist, edging closer. "Please come for me, Cas, b-" Dean continued in a low voice, desperately kissing over Cas's jaw. "Please."

It only took a few more tugs to his cock before Cas choked off on a sob and spasmed with his climax. "D- _Dean_ -" Cas groaned quietly as he shook underneath Dean, who was languidly stroking him through the last of his orgasm. They breathed with their mouths less than an inch apart, and Cas opened his eyes only to not be met with Dean's. 

Dean was watching Cas's lips, his own mouth parted and daring to move, and Cas expected Dean to kiss him- it wouldn't have been anything out of the ordinary during a moment like this- but he didn't. Instead, Dean let go of Cas's wrists and returned his head to its spot in the crook of Cas's neck, moving his hands to rest on Cas's shoulder and his chest. After they'd caught their breath and probably spent too long laying together, Cas decided it was time for them to both go to sleep. "Dean, you need to get in your bed."

Dean burrowed his face into its place further, his fingers trying to clutch onto cloth, but Cas didn't have a shirt on, so they just clenched at nothing. "No, 'm g'nna sleep here," he slurred quietly.

Cas sighed and rolled his eyes.  _I suppose it's my job to make sure none of the rules are broken. Even if they are unspoken._ He wiped their mess onto Dean's already dirty shirt before wiggling out from underneath Dean's dead weight and managing to slide Dean off of him and further onto the bed. He stepped off and onto the ground. Dean was already breathing evenly, moving only to cling onto Cas's pillow and wrap himself tighter in the blanket.

Cas sighed and walked over to Dean's untouched bed, pulling out the covers and sliding in. The sheets were cold and uninviting, but they smelled like Dean- not drunk Dean that smelled like sweat and beer, but normal Dean that smelled like faded cologne and natural musk. Cas watched Dean snuggle into Castiel's pillow, and Cas sighed again because he was too exhausted to do anything else. _Why do you have to make everything so damned difficult?_


	11. November 25, 2013

The room was full of noise, and Cas found himself frustratingly distracted because of it. Led Zeppelin boomed from the speakers, almost overpowering the small moans from Dean, but it did nothing to lessen the volume of Cas gagging on Dean's cock. Just music. Gagging noise. Frustrated grunt. "Cas..." Slurp. Gag. Grunt.

Cas had already come, so his mind was focusing on what he was doing wrong and trying to fix it. Dean's hand came down and rested on the back of Cas's head, scratching lightly at the base of his hairline- a gesture intended to soothe Cas that Dean did often. It almost always worked, but right now it just embittered Cas even further. _How is Dean enjoying this when I can't stop gagging?_ Cas furrowed his brow and tried to relax, continuing to bob his head. "Mm, 's good," Dean breathed encouragingly.

Cas tried again. And gagged. _Again._ He pulled off of Dean's cock with a wet slurp and slapped Dean's thighs out of frustration. "Damnit!"

Startled, Dean's eyes shot open and he sat up on his elbows. "What's wrong?"

Cas wiped the drool that had gathered over his mouth and chin. "How do you do it?"

Dean looked even more confused at the question. "Wh-? You were doing just fine, trust me. I mean-"

"No-" Cas interrupted. "How do you do the _thing_ that you did?" Dean shook his head dumbly, and Cas rolled his eyes. "At the party. The _thing_ you did..." Cas added some sort of facial gesture to imply his meaning. Dean ran his hand over his head and sighed. "I keep trying, and I'm just getting here-" He pointed to an inch above the base of Dean's shaft, "- and then... that's it. And you-"

Dean held up his hand. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. Uh, I just... Look." Dean ran a hand down his throat, and Cas saw it widen slightly. "You just gotta relax your throat. Not think about it."

Cas nodded and wiped his mouth again before closing his eyes and licking his lips. _Relax._ _Don't think about it._ He wrapped his lips around Dean's cock again and swirled his tongue. He dipped his head down and started bobbing, trying to get lower. Dean let out a long breath, and Cas felt him lay back down.

Cas breathed in and out of his nose slowly, bracing his hands on the tops of Dean's thighs. _You can do this._ He swallowed once before relaxing his throat and slowly pushing his head down as far as it would go. He heard Dean give a choked off whine, arching slightly off the bed when Cas felt his nose hit wispy hairs and his lips hit flat skin. He almost smiled before he remembered the dick currently in his mouth.

He made to try and swallow around Dean's length, and Dean arched farther off of his bed and fisted his hands in the sheets, another mewl getting cut off in his throat. Cas lifted slightly before pushing back down and swallowing again. Dean grunted as he came down Cas's throat without warning. The liquid hitting the back of his throat took him by surprise and he coughed, pulling off quickly.

Cas coughed hard, trying to clear out his throat, and come came out of his nose and mouth onto his hand. Dean was still coming, so Cas stroked him through it. "Jesus," Cas murmured through the coughs. His throat felt uncomfortable, and he had to blow out of his nose slightly to get the come out.

"Holy shit, Cas-" Dean commented in a breath, his chest heaving. He lazily sat back up and looked at Castiel before bursting into laughter. He pressed his thumb and forefinger into the corners of his eyes. "You're a fucking mess."

Cas laughed and wiped his face off on his discarded shirt. He wiped the tears from his eyes and the come and spit from his chest. "Yes, it was messier than I imagined, but I did it!" Dean snorted and snatched the shirt from Cas to clean up his lap and stomach. "Thank you, by the way," Cas added in a more genuine tone.

Dean frowned thoughtfully. "Uh, _no_ , thank _you_ -?" He stood up, shimmying his jeans and boxers back up from where they were pooled around his calves and putting his tee shirt back on.

Castiel turned the music off, leaving the room significantly quieter. "I'm going to shower because this is... highly unsanitary." Cas looked down at himself with disgust. He looked clean, but he could just _feel_ the barely-wiped, drying... _fluids_ on his skin. 

"That's probably a good idea," Dean replied. Cas gave him a playfully flat look, and Dean laughed awkwardly, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.

Castiel studied his face closer. Dean wouldn't look up at him, and instead pretended to be busy with anything within an arm's reach and worrying on his bottom lip. "Is something wrong?" Cas questioned sincerely.

Dean looked up for a second before looking away again, kicking something on the floor. "Uh, no." Dean shook his head quietly. "It's just, uh- I never really thought that someone would ask- I mean... Like, I never pictured that I would be..." He gestured with his hands and pursed his lips before shaking his head and clearing his throat. "Nevermind."

Cas nodded and made to get a clean towel. "Hey, are you..." Cas paused in the doorway to the bathroom, waiting for Dean to continue. "Are you, uh- doing anything for the rest of the day?"

Judging by Dean's behavior, Cas internally began to worry about the forthcoming conversation. "Not to my knowledge," he answered honestly. "Why?"

"Okay, well, I'm kinda..." _Are we about to talk about the other night? Oh God, I'm not ready for this-_  "-failing most of my classes right now-"

Cas had a second of relief before he even registered what Dean just told him. "Dean!"

Dean put his hands up defensively. "I just don't like doing homework, okay? Hear me out, Cas. Please." Cas took a slow breath and nodded, crossing his arms, allowing him to continue. "My professors said that if I can make up all of my work before leaving for break, then they won't make the zeroes permanent. I just- I can't make up all of the work I'm missing in the next 10 hours."

Cas slotted his eyes at Dean, who gave him a pleading look. Cas sighed like he was exhausted from Dean's use of puppy dog eyes. "What all do you need to make up?"

Dean smiled slightly. "A small book report on _The Scarlet Letter_ -"

"Easy enough."

"-And an analysis of a painting from the Renaissance, some pages from the textbook for World War II studies, and two essays for Physics," he finished quickly. Cas's mouth hung open, too stunned to reply. Dean took a step closer and put his hands together in a begging gesture. " _Please_ , Cas. I can't fail out. You know why. _Please_?"

Cas closed his eyes and his mouth, taking a long breath. Dean can't fail because then he'll be stuck in Kansas while his brother goes to Stanford. _I have nothing better to do, anyways._ "We can't do all of that alone. See if we can get some help, at least," Cas offered.

Dean's expression shifted from pleading to blank and then- after some processing- to happiness. "Really? You'll help me?" Cas nodded. Dean grinned and threw his arms around Cas's shoulders, pulling him in for a tight hug and knocking the breath from his lungs. Cas made a strangled noise and squirmed until Dean released him. "Sorry- uh, yeah. Thank you, man. Really, thank you."

Cas returned his smile. "I'll get a shower and stuff while you go and see if you can find some help." Dean gave him a salute as he turned to leave, grabbing his phone from the desk. "Oh wait- where's your specific list of assignments?"

"In my desk! Just look for it!" Dean called from the hallway before the door shut.

Castiel decided it would be better to look at the list before his shower so he could think of a plan. Cas couldn't find it in the left drawer or the larger middle one, so he looked in the far right one just in case- despite the fact that Dean never went in that drawer. Cas might've expected an empty drawer, or some miscellaneous useless items, but what his eyes found was much different- and not at all what he ever would've expected. In the drawer was a large box of condoms and a whole 12 oz. container of lubricant. Immediately, Castiel's stomach dropped, and he heart felt like it was going to jump right out of his chest.

 _When did he buy these?_ Why _did he buy these? When did he intend on using them?_ Did _he intend on using them? Are they for us? Are they for him and someone else? Who else is he sleeping with? Are_ we _sleeping together? Not yet._

He gasped to himself and dropped the box of condoms that he didn't realize he was now holding. _Not yet? No! We're not sleeping together, we're just..._  Cas tried to come up with some word to describe the situation between them. _We're just friends who happen to sometimes occasionally touch each other. It's not a big deal._   _We're not doing anything weird or beyond platonic, and- yes, admittedly it's pretty gay, which is fine, but we're not doing_ that _... Are we?_ His train of thought was interrupted by his phone beeping loudly, causing him to slam the drawer shut. Cas took a deep breath to compose himself before he could look at the message on his phone.

 _New Message: Dean: "I just remembered it's in the front pocket of my bag. And I just saw that hobbit kid, Kenny or w/e. You'll never guess what happened. Tell you when we get back."_ Cas tossed his phone onto his bed and unzipped the front pocket of Dean's backpack. Sure enough, there was a folded up piece of paper that he found to hold a list of assignments. Cas's heart was still racing, but he forced himself to walk away from the illicit desk drawer. Maybe if he ignored the problem, it would just go away.

**& &**

Dean had called Charlie as soon as he left the dorm, and she'd agreed to meet him at the quad so they could go to Ash's place together since it was farther away. He'd tried to call Ash's cell phone for the past ten minutes, but he wasn't answering, so he figured it couldn't hurt to just show up. He saw that _God awful_ bright yellow jacket and long red hair from across the quad and picked up speed to get to Charlie. He called to her and she turned around expectantly. "Sir Winchester!"

He grinned and gave her a bow. "Your Highness." She smiled in return and curtsied with a tip of her head. "Thanks for agreeing to help. Is Jo working tonight or something?"

"I just couldn't come up with a good excuse to say no," she teased as they started walking to the off-set apartments, both of them shoving their hands in their pockets. Dean elbowed her and she laughed. "Seriously, it's no problem. But yeah, she had to go in super early. Working till close, too." Dean hummed in sympathy. "So, how far behind are you exactly?"

"Just homework assignments... For three different classes. Cas said he would take care of the book report, and then I have two Physics essays, an analysis of a Renaissance piece of art or whatever, and then some textbook shit for World War II studies."

"Bummer," Charlie added simply. Dean nodded. _Obviously._ "I think I could probably get that art analysis done in no time. Maybe one of the Physics essays depending on time and stuff. Speaking of time: what are we working with?"

Dean pulled out his phone and checked the time. "It's, like, four right now. I just need to turn them in before ten tomorrow."

"I feel like I should remind you before Cas does: this is cheating. Like, for realsies. We could all get in a lot of trouble."

They approached Ash's apartment building, and Dean turned to face her. "I know. That's why I'm grateful to have such great-" Charlie gave him a look and he gave her a big cheesy smile. "-great and beautiful and wonderful and magnificent friends who are so beautiful and awesome for helping me out?"

Charlie pursed her lips and pretended to think it over. "You are a master of flattery, Sir. Besides, I like rebelling against the system anyways." They approached the door to Ash's apartment, and she knocked on the door. "Housekeeping!" There was no immediate answer and Charlie scratched her head. "Or not?"

Dean pounded his fist on the door. If Ash wouldn't answer to that, he wasn't home. "Hey, Dr. Badass!"

The door opened suddenly, a faint cloud of smoke rolling out of the open space. Dean swatted the smoke out of his face and looked down to see Andy smiling at him. "Hey!" The brunette guy greeted warmly. He looked down before making a funny noise and closing his house robe. "I haven't seen you in forever. What's up, Dean?"

"Hey, man, we're just looking for Ash," Dean explained. For a second, he thought Andy was going to open the door and let them step inside, but instead the door shut and nearly hit Dean square in the nose. Charlie gave him a weird look and Dean shrugged. "They're a pair," he murmured, looking up at the door frame.

There was a loud thump followed by a louder groan before the doorknob turned. Ash poked half of his face through the open door space. "Charlie? Dean? Charlie and Dean."

"I've been calling you all day, man. Why didn't you pick up?" Dean asked.

Ash gave a small laugh and blinked slowly. "We're cleaning out the lizard tank." Dean was about to respond when Ash continued. "I don't know where my phone is, anyways. What's up?"

"We need your help," Charlie offered. "Well, Dean needs your help, really-" Dean slotted his eyes at her, and she stopped with a grin.

"I've got a ton of work I have to make up by tomorrow and I need all the help I can get," Dean told him, turning away from Charlie.

Ash smiled. "Well, hell then. Guess I need my pants."

****

**& &**

****

Cas was trying his hardest not to overthink anything or freak out because that was really the last thing they needed right now. He changed into a comfortable outfit and got his laptop out, settling himself on his bed and opening a new Word document. He put on his glasses and started typing. _"_ _The Scarlet Letter: An Analysis By Dean Winchester."_  Cas chuckled inwardly; he was not confident they could pull this off in the slightest, but he had to try. Looking back on the requirements sheet, the analysis was supposed to be eight pages, single-spaced, and discussing the connection to modern society. Cas sighed and began typing, trying his best to distract himself from the tiny voice in the back of his head that just wouldn't drop what he saw earlier.

The door opened and three loud voices boomed in at once. "I cannot believe you honestly think Spock and Uhura together is better than Kirk and Uhura!" And that's definitely Dean's typical argument.

"Kirk and Uhura never hooked up, man," Ash replied, calmer than Dean. Charlie and Dean both gave him identical skeptical looks and Cas chuckled.

"What are you even talking about? Did you not watch the original series?" Dean asked, taking out a textbook from his backpack. Charlie waved to Cas and took a seat at his desk, both of them listening to the debate.

"The one with Picard?"

"Dude!" Charlie and Dean exclaimed at once.

Cas laughed and Ash just waved his hand. "You know I'm kidding."

Dean shook his head and threw up his hands in defeat. "I'm out."

"Well, I think we all know Kirk and Spock are the ultimate couple anyways," Charlie mentioned.

Dean raised an eyebrow at her as he handed her the list of assignments. "But they're... They're just friends." Cas swallowed around the possibility of a double-meaning behind Dean's words and willed himself not to look at him- because surely he was just talking about Star Trek. _Nothing to do with us. Nope, not one bit._

"How could anyone look at Kirk and Spock and say they're ' _just friends_ '? Because they're two guys? _Please_! Love transcends gender... And species and/or planetary origin."

Cas smiled inwardly and returned his focus to the report. "Yeah, I guess you have a point," Dean admitted. "But still, just because two guys are super close and enjoy each other's company and stuff doesn't mean they're more than friends, right?" 

Charlie sighed and started labeling her piece of paper. "You can tell just by how they interact they're doing the horizontal mambo. That, or they have serious unresolved sexual tension, and they'll be doing the forbidden dance eventually."

Cas silently prayed Dean would drop it, but _of course_ , he didn’t because he's Dean and Dean can't drop a subject to save his life. "Even if they were hooking up, it doesn't mean they love each other or something, like, maybe it's not like that. Maybe the Enterprise gets lonely or something, and they would rather get with each other physically than work to get with the ladies and stuff," Dean rushed out. _Way to be subtle, Dean_. Cas glared at him, but Dean evaded looking at him.

"Yeah, okay, dude. Whatever you say," Charlie yielded with a small smile. "So, won't these professors know what is and isn't your handwriting?"

"Uh, I haven't exactly turned much of anything in for them to know what my handwriting looks like," Dean confided hesitantly. Cas shook his head again. "Maybe just sloppy it up a little bit for good measure." Charlie saluted him and went to flipping through the art pieces in the book. "Ash, you're good with the physics stuff? That's not too much to ask of you, is it? If it is-"

Ash held up his hand and put his feet on top of Dean's desk. "Under control." His hand switched into a finger-gun and pointed at Dean. 

 _“Red: clothing items of this color were discouraged from being worn because they suggested_ -” "And, Cas, you're on top of things, right?"

 _Wait- what?_ Cas perked his head up. _On top of things? Is this some sort of joke? He has to know that I know. But wait- 'on top?' Does he want me to top?  I can't say that would be too surprising... Is he asking if I'm on top because_ he _wants to be on top? Is he questioning my topping abilities? I'm a top. Maybe I could bottom... Why am I even considering this when I know that it's-_ Dean snapped his fingers pointedly, and Cas came back from his train of thought. "Huh?"

"I said: you're on top of it, right? The book report?" Dean clarified slowly.

Cas let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. "Yes, of course. Not a problem." He tried to give Dean a reassuring smile that probably came off as weak, but the smile Dean gave him in return made his stomach twist into a knot, and he looked away. He was going to have a long night, stewing in his thoughts over what's to come- whether a line is bound to be crossed or not. _Not. A. Problem._

****

**& &**

****

Over the course of the last two hours, Dean had migrated to the floor, his back to Cas's bed and knees brought up to prop up his history book. Cas was still near the foot of his bed- _hasn't moved or said anything for some reason_ \- working diligently. Charlie was on Dean's bed now, laying on her stomach and writing every now and then. Ash was typing away quickly on the computer, pausing only to crack his knuckles, his neck, and his back.

 _"Describe the living conditions in Auschwitz." Fuck you._ Dean sighed and put his book down. He stood up and yawned, stretching and cracking his back before flopping down onto Cas's bed beside him and put his hands behind his head comfortably. Cas turned around quickly and stared at him in startled confusion.

Dean's eyebrow line tightened at him. "What?"

"What are you doing?" Cas snapped, turning so they were back-to-the-wall instead of Cas having his back to Dean. If he wasn't mistaken, Cas scooted away from him slightly, but maybe it was just in his head.

"Taking a break," he explained with the same hesitant tone. "What's got your panties in a bunch?"

There was a crick in Dean's back, and he arched his back to stretch it out. He noticed Cas's eyes travel from Dean's face to his stomach, lingering on where Dean could feel his shirt had risen up. Cas's brow furrowed and his tongue darted out of his mouth. Dean sat up on his elbows and fixed his shirt with a small cough to clear his throat. Cas quickly tore his eyes away. "Nothing, we just need to work, is all." He brought the computer back to his lap and stretched his back out, rubbing his neck.

Instinctively, Dean reached up and rubbed the top of Cas’s back with one hand before using that thumb to massage the top of his spine. Cas stiffened at first, but it didn't take long before he relaxed a little and leaned into Dean's hand. Cas closed his eyes and let his head hang. Briefly, Dean used his fingernails to lightly scratch at the nape of Cas's neck before squeezing Cas's shoulder a little more and massaging the top of his spine with his fingers. Cas let out a small contented sigh, and Dean bit his lip in concentration.

"Are we about to start up this massage train or should we leave you two alone?" Ash asked, bringing them out of the moment. Cas stiffened and sat upright.

Dean cleared his throat and stopped massaging, rubbing Cas's back for a second and patting it before sitting up. "Just trying to get Cas to realize he needs a break, too." He walked over and sat against Cas's desk, crossing his arms because apparently he can't trust them.

"I second the break notion," Charlie voiced, sitting up on her knees and yawning. "How far have you gotten?"

"I finished, like, the first two pages of questions. I've probably got another two or three to go," Dean replied flatly.

"I have... three and a half pages typed up," Cas added with a yawn, laying down and stretching out his legs. Dean ignored the way Cas's hips twisted with a stretch, ignored the way his shirt rode up a little to reveal the lines that disappeared under the waistline of his boxers, ignored the way Cas's toes curled as he stretched before relaxing on his bed comfortably. He  _definitely_ ignored the almost overwhelming urge to jump on top of him.

"I finished the first essay; I'm probably a quarter of the way through the second one. I estimate another two hours and I can finish this baby up."

"Dude, how are you so fucking smart?" Dean asked Ash in disbelief. Ash just shrugged and leaned back in his chair. "Anyone else want pizza? I'll buy."

"Yes, _please_!" Charlie agreed, standing up and excusing herself into the bathroom. "I like cheese pizza!"

"What about you, Ash?"

"I'm good with cheese, man. Anything's good as long as it's food," he replied.

"Alright, so y'all are eating the cheese pizza, meat lover's for us, and we're all set," Dean said with a clap of his hands. He pulled out his phone and made quick work of ordering the pizzas.

"You didn't ask Castiel what he wanted?" Charlie asked as she came out of the bathroom and bounced back onto Dean's bed, testing the springs.

He looked at Cas who just shrugged. "He likes meat lover's. I didn't really need to ask," Dean explained.

"He orders for me all the time," Castiel added, scooting up to his pillow and rubbing both hands through his hair as his legs fell open. Dean ignored that, too. He also ignored the way Cas brought his knees up higher and relaxed so they were spread- basically just _asking_ for Dean to situate himself between them. Yeah, he definitely ignored that. Dean shook his head to himself as he remembered the fact that there were people around, and he shouldn't be checking out ( _ignoring_ ) Cas in front of them.

"That's cute- the little lovebirds know each other so well you can order for each other," Charlie cooed with a teasing grin. Cas scoffed and tossed a pillow to Dean, who in turn bopped Charlie in the face with it. "Hey-!"

" _Friends_ know each other very well and know their eating habits," Cas corrected accompanied by an agreeing gesture from Dean. Dean was getting pretty sick of people joking with them about that crap. He was tired of always having to correct people; Dean was certain they'd never given anyone any reason to believe they were more than friends, no matter what they did behind closed doors.

Lately, Dean kept getting this weird, little pricking/burning sensation at the bottom of his chest near his diaphragm, which he just wrote off as heartburn or indigestion. It was almost always around his other friends, but Dean had no idea what brought them on. Dean had only brought up the heartburn once in passing to Cas after lunch a week or two ago, figuring it might've been the cafeteria burgers they'd eaten, but Cas felt fine. Dean went out to buy some Pepto-Bismol later that day, but the bottle must've been expired or something because it didn't really help. Dean rubbed firmly over his chest and winced, making a mental note to pick up another bottle at the store tomorrow.

They all made small talk while they waited for the pizza, and Cas had started typing absently in the essay while still continuing his side of the conversation. Dean wasn't worried about it. If anything, Cas not paying full attention would probably help make his paper more believable.

While Charlie and Ash talked about something related to computers or whatever geeks talk about, Dean kinda let his gaze wander its way over to his dark-haired friend, where his thoughts wandered as well. He really was lucky to have a friend like Cas- someone who would put their education at risk to help out a friend in need, someone who put other people's happiness ahead of his own.

He watched Cas chuckle at something one of the other two people said, still looking at his laptop, and the corners of Dean's lips tweaked upward unconsciously. Cas casually glanced up at him, and that stupid loser in the back of his mind screamed again. Cas looked down at his laptop and back up for half a second before his eyes settled onto the computer, and then Dean finally brought his attention back to Charlie and Ash.

When the pizza arrived, they all sat together on the floor around the pizza and soda. Dean and Castiel sat next to Cas's bed with Charlie and Ash across from them with their backs to Dean's bed. "Your pizza, sir," Dean said as he handed Cas the first slice of pizza.

"Thank you," Cas replied, stuffing a big bite into his mouth. He made a pained expression and held his mouth open with a pathetic look on his face. Dean smirked at him, and Cas covered a hand over his mouth. "'s hot."

Dean rolled his eyes and took a bite from his pizza. "Thank you, guys, again. I seriously don't know what-"

Charlie held up her hand. "Stop. We're happy to help."

"Yeah, man, staying on top of everything can be hard. Friends help friends out, right?" Ash added.

Cas choked on his pizza for a second, and Dean glanced over to make sure he was okay. Cas nodded and stuck up his hand dismissively. "Couldn't agree more," Dean replied, returning to the conversation.

"Oh, didn't you say that you saw Kevin?" Cas asked after he swallowed his bite of food.

"Yeah! Holy shit, this kid is... like, Meg soiled him," Dean tried to talk through his laughter at the memory. Granted, he'd only seen or met him once, but anyone could tell Kevin was a straight-laced kid. "Okay, he was in these raggedy-ass jeans, topless and barefoot, hair all over the place and even a beard growing in-"

"You're kidding," Charlie gasped in amusement.

Dean took a bite from his pizza and nodded. "He totally did! He was in a big group of those hacky sack hippies, and he looked blazed to hell. I don't know what happened that night, but he's definitely not the same nerd boy anymore."

"Little Tran became a man," Ash mumbled with a big grin on his face.

"He became somethin' alright," Dean added.

Charlie shook her head. "I was wondering why we haven't seen him in class in a while," she said, pointing to Cas. "And no wonder he hasn't been playing for shit in the league."

Cas hummed in response. "I don't think Meg did that to him, I mean..." Cas gestured to himself. "I came out fine, and I spent more than one night with her."

"Yeah, but were you really that good to begin with?" Dean teased. Cas's face fell and he furrowed his brow, returning his attention to the food. Dean shook his head, disregarding it.

Charlie finished off her second piece of pizza and reached for another. "So what's everyone doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Drivin' back to Lawrence. Just gonna hang out with Sammy, play some football with some old friends from high school. My mom ain't doin' so hot, so I'll probably be taking over the cooking."

"What's wrong with your mom?" Charlie asked before blurting "Unless that's private- I'm not trying to be nosey. Oh God, I'm sorry- just-"

Dean stopped her. "Dude, chill out; it's fine. She, uh, she was diagnosed with breast cancer my junior year of high school. They removed the lump, but even though they kept a close eye on her, they thought it was returning last year. The doctors had to do a double mastectomy just to make sure. Lessened her risk to, like, 10%, but her medicine makes her sick sometimes, and it gets hard to do work around the house and stuff. But, you know, she's getting better, so I can't complain too much."

He took a long drink from his soda when he felt his throat go dry. He felt Cas rub a hand on his back comfortingly. Glancing over, he caught Cas's reassuring smile, and he squeezed Dean's shoulder. He and Cas had already had this talk a long time ago. It was actually one of the reasons he knew he could find a best friend in Castiel.

"I'm so sorry, Dean," Charlie said quietly. Dean nodded in thanks. "I remember when my mom got into a really bad car accident and ended up in a coma for months. The uncertainty of whether or not..." Charlie's voice trailed off, and she cleared her throat. "It, uh- it sucks. So, I'm here for you." Ash nodded in agreement.

"Thanks, guys. So, yeah- what about you, Dr. Badass?"

"I go to Jo's pad for every holiday. Ellen kinda took me in- Mama Bear and her cubs, ya know?" Dean already knew his story- single mom who was in and out of prison for most of his childhood, spent all of his time reading and studying- and was a total child prodigy. He even got into MIT, but he transferred after a semester because it wasn't his "scene."

"Oh yeah, and you'll be having three more guests this year," Charlie inserted with a bright grin. Dean and Cas gave her a questioning look before she continued. "My parents are coming up from San Diego, and we're spending Thanksgiving with you guys. So my parents can meet Jo, Ellen and Rufus, and so Jo can meet my parents," she said giddily. She smiled so wide she squealed a little, and they laughed.

"That's great, Charlie. They're gonna love you- and I'm positive your parents are going to love her," Cas voiced with a warm smile.

"Well, _duh_ \- who wouldn't love her? _Swoon_."

Dean threw a piece of hamburger meat at her and made a disgusted face. "Your love sickens me."

Ash brought the subject back. "What about you? Got a whole family of blue eyes and strong jaw lines, or were you just created in a lab or something?"

Dean turned his attention to Cas, who looked like a deer in the headlights. "Me?" Cas asked with a mouth full of food. They all nodded, and he swallowed, pushing his glasses up higher on his nose. "Um, not really. I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary, I suppose."

" _Like_?" Charlie insisted.

"Just, erm... Just hanging out, I guess. Really, guys, it's nothing special," Cas replied dismissively. Dean knew there was a lot Cas kept to himself- stuff he wouldn't even tell Dean- and his family was probably the biggest of those things. Cas had opened up a lot since their freshman year, but things were especially intense for him around the holidays. Dean knew better than to push him to talk about it. Instead, he just nodded and smiled, at which Cas flinched slightly and huffed a laugh. _What is with him today?_

"That... does not clear anything up," Ash spoke slowly before clapping his hands together. "But I think it's time we get back to work." Dean checked the clock on his phone and noticed it was already past seven.

Dean sighed. "You're probably right. I'll clean up this mess, and hopefully we can wrap this up."

"Onward to victory!" Charlie declared dramatically as she hopped back onto the bed. Cas laughed and shook his head as he crawled back onto his bed. He leaned his back against the headboard, drawing his knees up and putting his computer on his lap.

When Dean got back from the trash chute, he got his textbook and settled towards the end of Cas's bed with his back to the wall. Dean half-expected Cas to give him a look or scoot away like he had earlier, but Cas just smiled and fixed his glasses before giving the paper his full attention. He didn't even flinch away when Dean later stretched his legs out and covered Cas's feet with the back of his thighs. Whatever was bothering Cas earlier had passed by now, and Dean smiled inwardly. For some reason, knowing Cas wasn't upset with him made him a little bit happier.

****

**& &**

****

"Done!" Ash shouted, pumping his fists in the air. Castiel still had half of a page left to write, but it was just the conclusion so it shouldn’t take long.

"Me too!" Charlie whooped and stretched as she sat up on the bed. "What about you, Cas?"

"Just a little bit more," he replied, chewing on his bottom lip and focused entirely on the report.

"Alright just a... few more..." Dean scribbled fast on his paper before slamming his pencil down. "And done! Thank fucking God, man. I feel like we've been working all day."

A quick glance to the corner of his laptop screen told Castiel it was already a little past eleven o'clock. "Approximately six hours," he mumbled. "And some of us are still working."

"Oh yeah, shh," Dean held up a finger to his mouth as he stood up. "Come on. There's no need to keep you guys stuffed up in here anymore. You're free to go."

"I'm so tired, I think I never want to come back to school," Charlie mentioned with a yawn.

"Man, you guys are wimps. I kicked those essays' asses," Ash bragged with a grin.

Cas could feel Dean watching him closely to measure how bothered he was by them talking, but Cas was too focused on finishing the paper. "Come on, guys." Dean walked them out the door and stood at the doorway while they left. "Thank y'all again. I owe you big time."

"Damn right you do," Charlie replied with a finger pointed at Dean. She laughed and turned to Castiel. "Bye, Cas! Have a good time wherever you're going."

"Bye, Charlie. Have a good time at Jo's," he replied with a quick wave.

"Make sure you text me!"

"I will. _Goodnight_ , Charlie," he dismissed with a teasing look from over the rim of his glasses.

"Notice me, senpai!" She called in a high-pitched kid voice. Cas laughed and put a hand over his face. She flipped Cas the bird as Dean pushed her out the door. When she and Ash walked off, Dean shut the door and sighed, gathering all of his work together.

 _"-and it still remains a very important moral in today's society_." "Done."

"Awesome. Thank you, man. You're the _best_ ," Dean thanked with a huge smile.

"I'm aware," Cas muttered, and Dean huffed a quiet laugh. He took his glasses off and set them on his desk. He stretched his back before laying on his stomach with his hands under his face and shutting his eyes. "You can email that file to your teacher so long as you remember to use your email address instead of mine," he mumbled with a yawn.

"Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Hey- don't go to sleep on me now."

"I'm just resting my eyes." Dean snorted sarcastically from wherever he was in the room.

Castiel was actually calm. He'd been thinking about the possibilities of something happening, and he'd started to accept it as an inevitability. Their sex life had to eventually progress, right? Most people don't just stick to hands and mouths forever. So, maybe Cas finding Dean's condoms and lubricant were just destiny's way of speeding things along. What he still didn't have planned was who would _you know_ and who would _do the other thing_. He just hoped they would just fall into place when it happened. Cas didn't want to dwell on it too much or else suffer another panic attack because of his obsessive tendency to over-think everything.

"Alright, everything is done now," Dean mumbled to himself. Cas sighed in response, too tired to really say anything or move from his position on his stomach. He felt the bed sag next to him, and he opened his eyes enough to see Dean climbing onto his bed and straddling the backs of his thighs. He started to move to maybe roll over or something, but Dean just put his hand flat on his back and pressed down just firmly enough to make him stay. "Go back to what you were doing."

"Okay," Cas replied questioningly. Dean shifted lower on Cas's legs and moved both of his hands to the part of Cas's shoulders next to his neck, kneading his muscles. _Fuck_ , he didn't realize he was so tense until Dean had started massaging him. He let out a small moan and pressed his face down onto the bed inside the space of his bent elbow. Dean chuckled under his breath and used his thumbs to massage harder in small circles. "Mm, is this your way of making it up to me?"

"Could be." Dean moved his hands further away from his neck and closer to the outside of his shoulders, kneading the different muscles.

"That is fine by me," he replied with a small smile dancing on his lips. Dean laughed again and moved his hands down on Cas's back, focusing on the outsides of his middle. His ribcage has always been sensitive and a whimper escaped him and he squirmed a little under Dean's weight. "You're really good at that."

"I know," Dean returned, and Cas didn't need to be looking at him to know exactly which cocky smirk his lips were wearing. Cas scoffed, and Dean dug his fingers into his ribcage, earning him a small yelp and wiggle. "Ticklish."

"Shut up." Dean moved his hands to right outside of Cas's spine, pressing his fingers into the muscles of his back and rubbing his thumbs in circles over his spine. He moaned again, and Dean removed one of his hands to reach behind him and grab the remote to the stereo. Cas made a mental note to work on his volume, and laughed humorlessly at himself.

"Just taking precautions, is all," Dean answered his silent concerns. Dean moved his hands to Cas's lower back above his ass, slid up the back of his shirt and finally brought their skin together as he started massaging the sensitive skin there. His hands were big enough to cover the entire space, from Cas's spine to his hip bones. _T_ _hat's so hot... No it isn't, Castiel. Shut up._

Dean leaned over his back while still working his hands. He breathed hot over the side of Cas's neck and pressed a small kiss to the end point of his jaw, and Cas shuddered under his weight. "I want you to get loud tonight, Cas." Cas whimpered inwardly, keeping his eyes shut.

Dean dug his fingers harder into his hips, and Cas could feel Dean's erection pressing into his ass. Dean kissed the knob of his spine and planted more on the way to the side of his neck and behind Cas's ear. He nibbled on the lobe of his ear, eliciting a breathy moan from Cas's lips. He kissed more insistently, working his hands harder. "Wanna take you apart piece by piece," Dean whispered into his ear, running his lip over the outer shell of it. "Wanna make you scream my name, Cas."

By this point, Cas was practically rubbing himself off on the bed, hips moving of their own accord. When he heard Dean whisper in his ear and breathe on his neck, he groaned. "Dean, please." Dean moved his legs to straddle one of Cas's thighs without separating their bodies and slid a hand between Cas's chest and the bed, the hand snaking its way down to Cas's groin. With two skilled fingers, he popped the button of his pants open and dipped his hand underneath the material of Cas's bottoms and wrapped around his hardened cock. Cas sucked in a sharp breath and rocked his hips back, but Dean's knee was right behind his ass and added to the friction. " _Dean_ ," Cas whined, rutting his hips forward into Dean's fist and back into Dean's knee.

Dean smiled against his neck. "That's more like it," he murmured. Dean nipped down on the skin of his neck and moved his other hand up and down Cas's flank before coming to his chest under the fabric of his shirt and rubbing his nipple. Cas bit down on his lip and reached his hands to touch Dean however he could, one to the back of Dean's head and holding on as Dean kissed his skin, and the other finding Dean's forearms and clinging onto him helplessly. Dean kissed up his neck and skimmed his teeth over Cas's jaw before kissing the point again and nibbling on his ear.

" _Dean_ \- De- _Shit_ , Dean, I-" Cas bit off another groan when Dean's hips grinded especially hard against his ass, his fist tightening a little firmer on his cock. "I want-"

"I know what you want, Cas," Dean whispered. Quickly, he removed his hands from their positions and flipped Cas onto his back. Dean fit between his legs and  _f_ _inally_ brought their lips together. Cas kissed back eagerly, his hands fisting in the front of Dean's shirt and pulling him in tighter.

 _Does he really know what I want? Do_ I _even know what I want?_ Dean's hands found the front of his jeans, and Cas's rolled his body up into Dean's touch. Dean smiled against his lips before parting and taking Cas's bottom lip between his teeth and making Cas's eyes roll back briefly. Dean pushed the zipper down before moving to the hem of his shirt and tugging upwards enough to get it up over Cas's chest.

Dean moved his kisses from Cas's mouth quickly down to his chest, his whole body moving down to accommodate. He licked over to Cas's nipple and grazed his teeth over it before taking it into his mouth. Cas's chest lifted pathetically, and he held onto the sides of Dean's shirt at his shoulders. " _Fuck_ fuckfuck," he chanted. Cas finally opened his eyes to look down at Dean who had his eyes closed, reverently focusing on Cas's body. He worried the nipple under his tongue before switching to the other one and doing the same thing. Castiel was moaning and squirming beneath him. "Dean, please, I want- I-"

Dean shushed him and bit wet kisses down his abs, shucking down his jeans and underwear. "This what you want, Cas?" Dean murmured into Cas's stomach right above his cock.

Cas had an idea in his head, and he couldn't let it go. Even through the kisses Dean planted onto the underside of his cock, even through the pressing of his tongue flat against the slit and sucking a brief kiss there, and  _even_ through the initial wrapping of Dean's perfectly plush lips around the head of his cock, Castiel's idea did not waver. He wanted nothing more than to let Dean blow him, but his stupid brain was so stubborn. He'd never be able to understand why (or how) he stammered around an uncertain "No."

It took a few seconds for Dean to process what Cas had said and he stopped, pulling his lips from Cas's dick with a small slurping sound. Cas looked down at him to explain, but Dean's face looked confused and hurt. "No? You don't-?" Cas groaned and covered his reddening face with his hands.  _Why didn't you just say 'yes'? You're such an idiot!_ "Cas, if you... If you don't want- I- you-"

"That's not what I meant," he explained from under his hands. Cas felt like his chest was gonna cave in out of embarrassment. "I want-" Cas sighed and removed his hands, sitting up onto his elbows and looking at Dean pleadingly.

Dean just met him with a bewildered expression. "I don't understand what you want from me, Cas."

Cas flopped back onto his back and threw his arm over his face. "You said- okay. Okay. When we... agreed to this, we said-" He groaned again, wondering why the hell he was doing this. "We said that we can say what we want honestly, right?"

He opened his eyes and looked down at Dean who was still lying between his legs, his mouth two inches from Cas's dick. "Yeah. Why? What do you want?"

"I want to..." Castiel licked his lips before chewing on them thoughtfully. "Do- um... _it_."

Dean looked even more confused. "We _are_...?"

Cas sighed again and rolled his eyes. "No, I want to do... _it_." He raised his eyebrows and looked at him pleadingly. _Please don't make me say it._  Realization finally spread across Dean's face and he looked... scared? Castiel gulped nervously, silently pleading with Dean to not be mad at the suggestion. "B-but we also said no pressure to do stuff we don't want, right? S-so, it's okay. Nevermind- yeah, nevermind, just-"

"Do you mean that?" Dean asked evenly. Dean's fingers lightly scratched over Cas's hips absently. "You really want to?"

Cas considered it. _Do I?_ He bit down on his lip and took a deep breath before saying "Yes." Cas swallowed and nodded inwardly, mostly for his own reassurance. "I think so."

A smile played at the corners of Dean's lips, and Castiel really wasn't sure how Dean felt about the suggestion until he surged up and connected their lips again. Dean kissed him hard, enthusiastically parting and closing his lips on Cas's, and Cas moved his hands to cup Dean's jaw, kissing him back just as eagerly. "I think I do, too," he whispered between kisses. "Okay." He pecked Cas's lips a few more times. "Okay." Dean quickly stood up and went to his desk. While Dean had his back turned, Cas got up off his bed and tore off his long-sleeve shirt before shucking his pants and underwear off the rest of the way. "I've got-"

Dean turned around and looked at Cas, who was just standing in the nude and feeling completely vulnerable, his fingers clenching and unclenching nervously at his sides. Cas felt like his violently pounding heart was going to beat right out of his chest, and he didn't understand it; he and Dean had been messing around for quite a long time now, and they'd seen each other naked even more times than that. And yet, he felt like he was way more nervous than he'd ever been before. Dean licked his lips again before nodding for some reason and putting the condoms and lube back down.

Cas watched as Dean undressed in front of him, slowly and hesitantly removing each article of clothing- his tee shirt, belt, jeans, and his boxers. Cas swallowed thickly, and they just looked at each other for what felt like an eternity. This was taking that next step: crossing a boundary they didn't even realize they'd set.

He didn't really care that Dean was a guy, if he was honest, nor did he necessarily care that one of them was going to have to... Cas shook the thought out of his head. What he cared about was the fact that this was  _definitely_ crossing some boundary, and he wasn't really sure if he was okay with it. Friends might help each other out every now and then, but  _this_ was fucking.  _This isn't weird, right? This is still just friends... fooling around. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? It's just a little more intense... Right?_

Cas eventually nodded at Dean, and Dean took that as a cue to grab the items and cross the room, putting them down on the bed before pressing up against Cas and kissing him again. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's waist and let his hands roam his back. Cas pressed his hips forward and wrapped his arms around Dean's shoulders, fingers in the back of Dean's hair and sliding down the sides of his neck, bringing their mouths closer.

"This is happening," Cas breathed into the kiss. Honestly, he wasn't sure if he was asking a question or just stating a fact, but Dean squeezed him tighter and kissed him again before resting their foreheads together and nodding hesitantly. They both stayed still, just breathing in each other's air, neither of them wanting to be the first to move again. "We need to decide who is- erm. Who is-" Cas cleared his throat and brought his head back so that he could judge Dean's expression.

"You mean who's the..." Dean's voice trailed off at the end.

“The bottom,” Castiel finally said aloud, his tone completely unsure.

For a second, Dean's jaw dropped and closed a few times, and Cas had a passing thought that Dean was going to volunteer until his expression fully developed into something undeniably afraid. "I c- I can't- We- I'm-" He shook his head and his voice cracked around more words that weren't going to come out, visibly having trouble breathing.

Cas brought his hands to the sides of Dean's face and searched his eyes. "I- I can," Cas offered, shushing Dean. "I can, um- be the bottom."

Dean blinked rapidly and licked his lips, brow still tight. "Are you sure?"

 _Dean can't do this. It's too much, and I can't ask it of him, but... I can do it. I can do this._ Cas nodded reassuringly, and Dean let out a deep breath. Cas kissed him again, slower and more thorough. Dean sighed and moved his hands to the back of Cas's thighs and lifted him up to sit him down on the bed. They broke apart, and Cas scooted back, getting on his knees and turning to face the top of his bed. He felt Dean climb onto the bed behind him, and Cas closed his eyes for a second just to compose himself.

Dean shifted on his knees closer to him, and Cas felt suddenly unsure of how he was supposed to be positioned. "Dean..." Cas started hesitantly. Dean kissed the skin of his shoulder in response. "How... How am I supposed to _be_ right now?" He heard Dean chuckle under his breath before his hand went to Cas's back and pushed forward slightly. Cas leaned over, holding onto the top of the headboard, and Dean's hand moved to his thighs and to spread his knees wider. Castiel felt air in places he really didn't know if he wanted air, and he felt overwhelmingly exposed. He heard the cap of the lube cracking open before clicking closed again, and his heart made an attempt to jump right out of his throat. "Do you- do you know how-?"

Dean's dry hand came to Cas's back, and he rubbed up and down his spine slowly. "Yeah, I know what to do, Cas," he murmured, pressing his lips to the top of Cas's shoulder blade. For half a second, Cas was inclined to wonder _how_ Dean knew what to do, but he decided he didn't care that much. "I'm not gonna hurt you. Trust me." Cas closed his eyes and relaxed, letting out a long, measured breath. "You're sure you want to do this?" Castiel nodded, and Dean's other hand came between the cheeks of his ass, lube-slicked fingers slowly running over his hole.

" _Oh my God_ ," Cas whimpered immediately, stomach twisting in a knot and his fingers tightening on the headboard. Dean shushed him quietly, rubbing his hand even slower on his back before coming up into the back of Cas's hair and scratching lightly. He sighed evenly, and Dean's southbound fingers pressed down more firmly, but not too much. "You can... I'm ready," Cas assured Dean quietly. Slowly, one finger pressed into his hole, only up to the first knuckle. Cas whimpered and bit down on his lip. Dean slid it out slowly before pushing it back in to the same knuckle, at the same pace. He repeated this a few times before working up to the second knuckle.  _Either Dean's fingers are huge, or I'm a wimp._

"How you doin', Cas?" Dean asked quietly, barely audible over the music. They’d started positioning the speakers facing to the door so that they could hear each other, but people outside could only hear the music. He scratched lightly at the back of Cas's scalp again before moving his finger just a little quicker, but still only up to the second knuckle. "Talk to me."

"I'm- go all the way." Dean did as Cas requested, first finger fully sheathing in his ass and Cas moaned. Dean rubbed his back and massaged at the back of his neck. "It was- was tight and burned at f- mm. _Fuck_. Burned at first, but- but I'm okay. K-keep going."

"How 'bout you tell me what to do? So we're moving at your pace."

Cas nodded, letting his head hang. _It feels good, I think. Is it supposed to feel good? I guess if-_ "Fuck!" Dean's finger found something inside of him that made his thighs tremble, and his skin twitch. " _Dean-_ That- do that again." The pace of Dean's finger accelerated slightly, and he hit that spot again. Cas's back arched under Dean's other hand, a loud moan escaping from the back of his throat. "That's- _oh my God._  That's surprising," he breathed.

" _That_ is your prostate," Dean informed him. He could feel the smug smile on Dean's lips against his skin, but this suddenly became very enjoyable, and he didn't care enough to get Dean to stop being cocky.

"Okay, add another." Dean's second finger pressed into his hole next to the other, and they stopped at the first knuckle, again going in that slow pattern. The burn increased a little, but it was tolerable. Dean's fingers pulled out slightly before going back in to the first knuckle. "Same place, but faster," Cas instructed. The two fingers increased speed, still not going in too deep. "Okay, more." Slower, Dean pressed forward to the second knuckle. His fingers moved and slid past one another in a new sensation, and Cas fidgeted. "What's that?"

"I gotta start scissoring, but I don't want to overstretch you. This comes first," Dean told him. He moved his free hand up and down Cas's flank slowly before returning to his back.

"It feels... strange, but good," Castiel observed. Dean breathed a laugh and twisted his fingers at the second knuckle before pulling out and moving back in up to the same place, repeating the movement and picking up speed. " _Fuck, Dean_. More." Dean fully sheathed both fingers, and Cas groaned as his back arched, his hips slowly pressing back onto Dean's hand. Cas moved his hips forward slowly- and taking the silent cue, Dean kept his hand still- before rocking back. "That's good."

Dean groaned behind him and the hand on the back of Cas's neck tightened. " _Fuck_ yeah, Cas, just like that."

Cas rolled his hips a little quicker, not too much, but enough to get him whimpering and breathing heavy. "Do that one thing you were doing." Dean slid and twisted his fingers, still staying in place. "Fuck, yeah. And you said-" Understanding, Dean opened his fingers when Cas was sliding forward, stretching him more and giving him a pleasant burn. " _Wow_ ," Cas breathed.

Dean laughed quietly. "You like that, Cas? Want me to hit your prostate again?"

Cas nodded quickly, way more eager than he intended. Dean's fingers shot forward in a downward movement and massaged the bundle of nerves until Cas screamed, back arching almost painfully. " _Yeah_! It's so good, Dean," he panted pathetically. Dean massaged his spot faster, making Cas's whole body tremble, and Cas slapped the headboard and grabbed on harder. Dean breathed something that was probably supposed to be a laugh against his skin before moving his fingers to their previous motions and giving Cas time to catch his breath. "Can we-?"

"My dick's bigger than two fingers, Cas. At least let me use another finger first," Dean insisted.

Cas nodded understandingly. _Who gave Dean the right to be this caring in bed? First he wants to suck my cock and now he's_ \- Dean pressed three fingers inside of him straight to the second knuckle on the first try. "Holy-! _Dean_!" Cas groaned, his back tensing up a little at the new burn. Cas would've protested if it didn't feel so _fucking amazing_.

Dean leaned in closer and kissed at his back and his neck. "You like that? Wanna fuck you so bad, Cas- so _goddamn_ bad- I don't wanna hurt you," Dean rambled against his skin. He bit down on Cas's shoulder, and Cas's hips surged back at the same time Dean's fingers were pressing forward, all three fingers fully sheathing inside of him at once.

"Hu-hurry- _Ah_! Hurry!" Cas chanted, pressing his hips back. It was so good, but it wasn't enough to take him over the edge, so he could hold off. Dean scissored all three fingers and fucked them into Cas's hole like he was born to do it, pace energetic and knowing. "I'm ready- _please_ , just hurry up." When Dean slid his fingers out, Cas let himself catch his breath and think of other things to make this last longer.

 _Baseball. Baseball? Why am I thinking about baseball? I don't even like baseball._ He heard the snap of a condom and the cracking of the lube bottle again and his heart skipped with the realization that this was  _actually_ happening. Cas licked his lips nervously. "Dean-?"

Dean returned to his spot behind him, and he kissed Cas's back. "Yeah?" Dean's lube-covered cock slid where his fingers were previously and nudged at his hole, but not pushing.

Cas's breath hitched in his chest for a second. "This is okay, right?" He wasn’t really sure what he was asking, and he wasn’t sure if Dean understood either, but he needed to ask.

Dean breathed against his skin before kissing it again. "Yeah. It's okay," he whispered.

Cas nodded to himself. "Okay. I'm ready." Placing a hand on Cas's hip, Dean guided his cock into Castiel's ass and pulled Cas's hips back slowly until he was fully sheathed, and Cas let out a quiet groan.

They stayed still and just breathed for a while until Dean asked, "How does it feel?" His tone was completely curious, not really dirty talking like he was earlier.

Cas winced at the new burning sensation. It was more than three fingers, but it wasn't awful. "It's... It's big," he replied simply. Dean rubbed his face against Cas's spine and chuckled lightly. Cas rolled his eyes inwardly. "How does it feel for you?"

"Hot... and tight." _Tight?_ Cas tried to give his hole an experimental clench, and Dean's torso fell and colliding onto Cas's back immediately. "You're such an asshole." Dean reached up and twisted one of Cas's nipples, earning a laugh from him that really came out more like a soft moan. Dean laughed and kept his chest to Cas's back.

"I can feel your cock vibrate when you laugh," Cas muttered with a smile. He laughed to himself, thinking about how ridiculous this whole thing was. "Oh my god."

"I can feel your heartbeat," Dean replied. They shook with silent laughter until they stilled again, just slightly swaying together. "Is it too weird?"

"No, it's... It's good. You can... You can fuck me, Dean," he breathed.

Dean nodded and straightened up, pulling his hips back slowly until only the tip of his cock was in. A little more confidently, but still without a rush, he pushed back in, and both of them let out soft groans. "Cas," Dean breathed.

He kept up this slow pace, only speeding up somewhat until Cas was trying to fuck himself back onto Dean. "Come on, Dean. I'm not made of glass." Dean hastened his pace slightly, both hands gripping onto Cas's hips like he was afraid that Cas was gonna disappear. "God _damnit_ , Dean, _fuck me_ ," he gritted through his teeth with an insistent push back of his hips. Apparently his tone was challenge enough for Dean because his hips reared back and snapped forward quick and merciless, pounding into him harshly. Each thrust knocked the wind out of him and left him moaning and whimpering like he was getting paid for it. "Yes! _Fuck_! Fuck-fuck- _uhn_ - _yeah-_ Ah! _Ah_! De-Dean, s-so guh-mm, s-so good," Cas cried out brokenly, each syllable pushed out by a thrust of Dean's cock.

"Yeah, Cas- _shit_ \- fuckin' scream my name, Cas," Dean babbled breathlessly as he snapped his hips forward.

" _Dean_! Yeah! Mm, fuck- Dean!" Cas screamed, holding onto the headboard with a vice grip. His arms were tired from being elevated for so long, but he didn't even care anymore. Dean's grip on his hips tightened, and he pulled Cas back brutally, his pace slowing down, but his cock slamming into Cas's hole deep and unforgiving. "Dean! Dean! Dean _fuck_ DeanDean-" Cas chanted breathlessly, crying out every other second. Dean leaned down to press his chest to Cas's back and shifted the direction of his hips, hiting Castiel's prostate and Cas shouted. "Dean! Fuck! Oh- m-my God! G-G-God! De- _Dean_!"

"Sound so fuckin' good, Cas, just like that," Dean murmured against his ear and making Cas moan his name and shudder almost violently. " _Fuuuuck_ , come on. So close, Cas."

Castiel reached down with a numb arm and fisted his cock quickly. Dean pressed more firmly against him, hands reaching down to squeeze Cas's inner thighs and getting his cock impossibly deep, murmuring a dirty string of filth into Cas's ear. A few more strokes and harsh thrusts from Dean, and Cas was coming- and it was _intense_. "Holy- _Fuck_!" He choked out on a sob. He started panting and heaving as he came over his fist. "DeanDeanDean- _Ah!_ " 

" _Jesus_ , so fuckin'- G- so tight, C- _Cas_ -!" Dean's hips stuttered and stilled inside of him with long, wordless groans until his body stopped quivering. They came down together, breathing heavily and silently. Dean's hands slid up Cas's sides soothingly as he pressed a few kisses onto the back of Cas's neck and the knob of his spine. Cas sighed and let his head fall back onto Dean's shoulder. With a wince from both of them, Dean slowly pulled his softening cock out.

"Oh... my God," Cas sighed, his other hand slipping down from the headboard and slapping numbly against his leg. He and Dean both fell onto their backs with their heads at the foot of the bed and laid down in silence. Dean sat up enough to slide the condom off and tie the end, tossing it into the garbage can across the room. Cas heard it land in the bin. "Three points," he breathed with a lazy grin.

Dean laughed and elbowed him. "You'd better be talking about that shot I just made and not what we just did. That was _at least_ an eight out of ten."

"Mm, I've had better," he teased. Dean slapped his chest with a scoff. Cas closed his eyes and laughed easily. "Okay, okay. Honestly, like... a nine out of ten."

Dean looked pleased with Castiel's rating. "Well, thank you. You weren't so bad yourself," Dean replied cordially, putting one hand behind his head comfortably and letting his legs fall open so his knee bounced against Cas's thigh.

They laid there for a while, just looking at the ceiling and listening to the Rolling Stones song coming from the speakers. Cas glanced over to Dean who had his eyes closed and was subtly bobbing his head and tapping his finger on his chest to the beat of the song. " _Let's spend the night together_ ," Dean sang quietly under his breath, his knee gently bouncing against Cas's thigh unconsciously. " _Now I need you more than ever. Let's spend the night together now._ " Dean hummed the other words, his mind obviously somewhere far off.

Cas licked his lips, deciding it was time they both went to sleep. He nudged Dean with his hip lazily. "I'm tired- get in your own bed."

Dean sighed and rolled away, falling off the bed and landing awkwardly on his feet. He reached over and pinched Cas on the chest. "Don't flatter yourself," he teased with a grin as Cas swatted his hand away.

Cas laughed and tossed Dean's stuff onto his bed. Looking at the head of his bed, he realized he'd gotten come where his blanket usually rests against his face. Cas made a disgusted face at the wet spot and reached over the side of the bed to get his boxer briefs and his pillow. He put his underwear back on (which was an extremely difficult task to complete with a newly sore ass, by the way) and scooted to the foot of the bed before putting his pillow down and settling under the blankets there. Dean crawled into his own bed after turning off the lights and the stereo. "Wouldn't wanna sleep in your bed anyways, buttface," Dean muttered.

They hadn't talked about the other night when Dean came home drunk and confessed a lot of things to him- and when he actually _did_ want to sleep in Cas's bed. He didn't know if Dean even remembered what he’d said, let alone if he wanted to talk about it. Dean hadn't brought it up, and Cas definitely wasn't going to be the first one to bring it up, so the subject was left untouched. They hadn't acted any differently after that, though. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking and making Dean lazy enough to sleep in Cas's bed because he hadn't tried to again, thankfully. "Shut up, and go to sleep," Cas said as he closed his eyes. He heard Dean huff a laugh, and everything was back to normal.


	12. November 27-28, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: implied previous abuse, emotional breakdown, implied previous self harm, homophobia/slurs

The campus was hauntingly empty. Cas saw a few people here and there, waving politely in passing, but not stopping to talk or get to know each other any better. They even all avoided each other in the dining hall for the most part. They each had their reasons for not going home; it wasn't anyone's business to pry. Granted, it wasn't as stranded as it was over Christmas break last year, but it was still lonely.

Cas was alone at work, sitting on a stool behind the counter and rereading _Wuthering Heights_. He had maybe two or three customers all day, most people having already gone. The majority of people left yesterday, some stopping in for a cup of coffee on their way out. He worked from open until close, but he didn't mind so much because it was just more money in his pocket. Unfortunately, Zachariah stopped by at random points in the day to make sure Castiel was still there. _As if I have anywhere else to be._

Castiel's heart was racing. After Dean had left, he'd called the number Gabriel gave him and told him he could come by whenever he wanted. Gabe returned with a quick "See you soon, bro!" and hung up. Cas didn't know when his brother would show up, so he was on edge all morning.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, so he dog-eared the page and answered the call. "Hello?"

"Hey, Cassie boy, I'm here," Gabriel's cheerful voice called from the other end. Cas sighed. _And so it begins_. "Where are you?"

"I'm at work. Do you see a big building that says 'Bookstore'? I'm in the building next to it. The sign says 'For Whom the Coffee Brews'." Gabriel hung up and Cas sighed. _Nobody bothers to say goodbye anymore._

A couple of minutes later, he heard quick footsteps coming from the hallway. From around the corner, his now-bearded brother appeared. His previously shaggy golden brown hair had grown to his shoulders, wavy locks somehow looking tremendously better than Cas's hair had ever looked. Gabriel was wearing torn-up jeans and a tee shirt, a jacket tied around his waist and one of those big camping backpacks strapped to his back.

When Gabriel saw him, he smiled and opened his arms wide. "Look at you, baby bro! You got so big!" Cas stood up and smiled weakly. Gabriel hopped over the counter and pulled Cas in for a tight hug.

"I haven't grown in the slightest in two years," Cas corrected tightly. The hug lasted just on the side of too long and Gabe patted his back.

"Eh, technicalities. So what's the plan? Ditch this dump, pick up a couple of babes and take 'em back to their place?" Gabe winked and nudged him playfully. Cas gave him a look and rolled his eyes. "Alright so that might be a little difficult over the holidays anyways. But I bet all the ladies swoon over you, right? Novak good looks and all."

"I can't say they do, Gabriel," Cas replied, sitting back on the stool.

Gabe hopped up onto the counter and dangled his feet. "You got a girlfriend, then? You a one-woman man?"

Cas let out a small laugh. "No. There's no one."

"That's too bad." Gabriel looked like he was pondering something. "I just find it hard to believe that a looker like you doesn't have chicks lined up around the block." Cas shrugged wordlessly. He'd never been the type to date around, and he wasn't really sure why Gabriel thought that would've changed over the course of a year. "Eh, who needs women anyways? Some good ol' brotherly bonding will do us some good. We can just, uh... Get some grub and watch a movie. Sound good?"

Castiel nodded. _Any company is better than no company._ "Since everyone went home, I'm stuck working all day for the rest of the week. You could either go back to my room and hang out in the rec hall or just... be here, if you wanted. It's your decision. But I should let you know that my boss has been checking in on me, so you'll at least have to sit on the other side of the counter if you wish to stay."

Gabriel saluted and jumped off the other side, pulling up a stool to the counter. "I'd rather be here. We can get this brother talking started. Alright, so tell me everything."

Cas sighed and crossed his arms. "What is there to tell?"

"Everything, man. Everything you've done since we last hung out or whatever."

 _"Oh, the last time we hung out- this time last year... Where should I start? You completely deserting me and never calling after Thanksgiving? Or how I spent Christmas alone at school without even a word from anyone? How I..."_  Even in his head, he couldn't mention the incident of Christmas 2012. _"Well, there's the whole getting fucked by my roommate thing- my very male roommate. That's pretty new. Yeah, remember how I said I didn't think we'd be getting close? Well, I think that was not exactly accurate. So should we start at my sexual experimentation?"_

Castiel cleared his throat. "Honestly, nothing's changed. Going to class, going to work, not getting enough sleep-" _Having sex with Dean..._ "So goes the life of your typical college student."

Gabriel's eyes slotted suspiciously. After a few quiet seconds, he nodded. "Mhm. Well, Cassie, I'll give you this: you have got to be the most boring college student I have ever met." Cas laughed weakly and shook his head. "Truly, I don't know where you get it- definitely not my traits. Must be Michael rubbing off on you." As soon as the words left his brother's mouth, Cas felt his stomach drop. Gabriel's eyes widened, and he looked like he was trying to take it back. Cas tried to remain composure, but he felt like he was going to throw up. _I'm nothing like him. Right?_ "Oh shit, Cas- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. You know I'd-"

Cas stuck his hand up. "No, it's fine."

"You know I don't think you're a dick like Michael, man. I only meant, like, hardworking and straight-laced or some shit. I know what he did, I don't know why I said-"

"Gabriel, just leave it," Cas snapped. He felt like he was going to have another anxiety attack, and Gabriel's yapping was making it worse. _Probably because he's out of practice._  His older brother shut his mouth and watched him closely. Cas closed his eyes and tried to even his breaths, absently scratching his wrist. _Just think about something else. What makes you happy? Cheeseburgers? Eating a cheeseburger would be nice, right?_  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bark at you like that," he apologized calmly. Cas opened his eyes and rubbed the part of his wrist where he was scratching.

"Don't apologize. It was me." Cas ignored the way Gabriel's eyes glanced down to Castiel's sleeve-covered wrists where he was rubbing.

 _"Nothing to worry about, Gabriel,"_ Cas considered telling him. _"You won't find anything new there."_ Instead, Cas just nodded absently, wanting desperately to change the subject. Gabriel was the only brother who still cared even slightly about him, the only one who ever tried to help calm him down from his anxiety, so he didn't want to run him off too. "So, anyways- what about you? What have you been up to?"

Gabriel's face lit up, and he reanimated to his usual self. "Dude, you will not believe me, but I've been on a road trip across the country. Just living out of my van, not a single person to answer to but myself. I even lived in one of those hippie communes for a few months. Let me tell you, man... It's _liberating_." He proceeded to divulge his entire story of love, drugs and more love (as Gabriel referred to it, but Cas was sure he just meant sex) and making spare change by selling blueberries every now and then. Gabriel looked so free just rehashing his story- not a care about the past or what anyone thought of him, just living life for himself and being happy. Castiel was jealous.

**& &**

Dean didn't get home until after two in the afternoon, dead tired and sore from sleeping on the uncomfortable motel bed halfway between the school and Lawrence. When he pulled up, his mom came rushing out the door with John hot on her heels, trying to get her to slow down. "My baby's home!" Mary called with her arms open as she got closer.

Dean beamed and ran to meet her, taking her into his arms and squeezing (but not too tight). "Hey, Mom," Dean murmured as he kissed her cheek. His dad clasped him on the back and smiled warmly. "Hey, Dad." Mary reached up and patted Dean's cheek fondly before reaching down for his bag, but Dean stopped her. "No no no, I've got that."

Mary sighed and smiled weakly at him. "I just missed you, is all."

"We all did, champ."

Dean smiled and kissed his mom's forehead again. "I missed y'all, too. But you know what else I've been missing?"

She laughed. "I have a slice of cherry pie waiting for you on the counter," Mary whispered knowingly as they walked inside.

Dean dropped his bags as soon as he crossed the doorway and darted around the corner to the kitchen. He sat in front of the pie and stared at it appreciatively, sighing happily. _It's good to be home._ He reached for a fork and shoved the first bite in his mouth. Dean moaned loudly, savoring the taste. His mom came in and sat across from him, watching him with amusement. "This is _the_ best thing I have ever eaten," he said through a mouth full of food. He took another bite and almost laughed at how good it was. "Where's Sam?"

"Upstairs, probably working on a project," she answered. "I'm sure he'll come down soon-"

"What was that noise? I couldn't tell if it was a car or Dean's roaring overcompensation for his masculinity," Sam teased from hallway as he walked into the kitchen. Dean rolled his eyes. When Sam saw him, he nodded. "So it was the latter."

Dean stood up and walked over. "Shut up and hug me, bitch."

Sam laughed and let Dean pull him into a bear hug. "Jerk."

"Boys, watch your mouths in front of your mother," John warned as he got a beer from the fridge.

"Sorry, Mom," they replied together. Dean sat back down and picked up the last piece of pie. "Hey, do you guys remember Benny?"

"Ben Lafitte?" John asked. Dean nodded. "That boy spent almost every day over here from the time y'all were old enough to get into trouble until you went off to college, I'd hope we would remember him. Why?"

"Is he still in town? I wanted to get up with him and talk about something."

Sam leaned over and tried to steal a forkful of Dean's pie, but Dean slapped his hand away. "I saw him yesterday at the market. Came in with Andrea to buy a turkey and stuff," Sam answered.

 _Andrea? It can't be the girl who was always trying to get in Benny's pants back in school. As if any girl was getting in his pants._ "Andrea who?"

"Kormos- or Lafitte, I guess I should say now."

Dean almost spat out his milk. " _What?!_ " The last time he and Benny talked was at Dean's going-away party – where Benny had pulled him aside and told Dean he was gay.

His parents just stared at him like he was crazy. John answered, "They got married a couple months after you left for school- oh, what was it?"

"February, I think. Yes, a Valentine's Day wedding," Mary finished for him.

"Yeah. Hell, the town didn't even know they were dating, but they sure seemed happy on their wedding day," John resumed. Dean was still too stunned to speak. "Why are you so surprised?"

"Uh, no reason. Just... weird to think someone my age is settling down right now," he lied. _Settling down with someone he doesn't love..._ Does _he love her? Can he just not be gay anymore? Did he just... decide to be straight?_ "He still work over in KC at the docks?" Sam confirmed that he's still exactly how he was when Dean left, and Dean decided to drop by and see his friend tomorrow.

"So how's school? And... Cas- _steel_? Casteel? Is that his name?" His mom asked.

"Castro," his dad added with a small laugh.

"More like Casanova," Sam teased with a nudge of his elbow. Mary playfully slapped Sam's arm to get him to stop.

Dean groaned and rolled his eyes. "My friend, _Castiel_ , is fine. He's actually been tutoring me in a couple of classes. To be honest, if it wasn't for him, I'd probably be home to stay right now."

Mary smiled at him warmly. "Well, I hope we can meet this boy someday. Sam's always telling us your stories about him. He seems wonderful." Dean looked at Sam, who nodded in agreement. Dean shrugged and pressed his palm into his chest, wincing a little at the pain. He must've eaten too much too fast because his heartburn was acting up again.

"If he can get you to make good grades, he's a damn miracle worker," his dad joked. Mary rolled her eyes and told Dean not to mind him. They made small talk for a few minutes before Mary yawned. She signaled for John to come over, and she whispered something in his ear. John took her hand and helped her up. "Your mom's gonna go lay down and rest for a little while. Try not to be too rowdy, alright?"

Dean made to stand up. "Do you need help?"

"No, I'm fine. I think I'm just too excited. I love you," she said to Dean as he approached her. He smiled as she reached up and patted his cheek again. "I'm glad you're home."

"I am, too." He watched his parents slowly make their way upstairs, and he sighed. _Why can't she just be better already?_ Sam walked up and clapped him on the shoulder. "Is she always like this?" Dean's voice was almost a whisper, too afraid to speak about it loudly.

"No, she's actually doing a lot better. It's just one of those days. Don't worry so much," Sam whispered back. He cleared his throat and returned to his normal voice. "Let's go outside and shoot some hoops."

Sam grabbed the basketball and raced Dean out the back door. Dean jumped in front of him and guarded the basket. "This isn't fair; you know I'm no good at basketball. You have an unfair height advantage."

Sam gave him a mock-sympathetic look. "Aw, I'm sorry, does the baby wanna play fair?" He grinned wickedly and made a fake pass at Dean, who blocked it anyways. Sam spun around and made the basket. Dean groaned as Sam gloated. "Baby gonna cry?"

Dean glowered at him and took the ball. "Shut up. It just isn't my sport, and you went all MVP on me."

Sam laughed and blocked when Dean tried to make a shot, slapping the ball across the driveway. "That's because the only sport you're halfway decent at is cheerleading."

"Yeah, if by cheerleading you mean sleeping with cheerleaders. Something a nerd like you wouldn't understand," Dean retorted.

"Nice to see your comebacks still suck. And you’re right, the male cheerleaders aren't my type anyways," Sam said as he stole the basketball and spun into a dunk. Dean froze for a second. _Does he know? Oh shit, he knows. And the Casanova thing? And Sam's already making fun of me? –Wait. What is there to know? Still not gay, or whatever. I like women, always have, always will. Not men- well, like, I've fucked one, but that's just friends, and I wasn't even the bottom, so it-_ "Hey, you just gonna stand around and look pretty, or are you gonna actually give me a challenge?"

Dean cleared his throat and got back into the game. "Shut up and check the ball."

**& &**

"Wakey wakey, sunshine!" Cas groaned and pulled the blankets over his head, trying to block out Gabriel's voice. He'd heard it enough yesterday, practically being forced to talk literally all day and night. Not to mention Gabriel spent a good hour in his shower last night, singing at the top of his lungs. His older brother smacked him on the back and Cas yelped. "Come on, we gotta get this Turkey Day rollin'!"

"Why must we get up early? I don't have to go to work since it's a federal holiday, and you don't leave until tomorrow, so why are you rushing me? Go back to sleep, or leave me be, at least," Cas grumbled. He felt the bed dip at his feet and Gabriel sighed. Castiel reluctantly peeked his head out from the blanket and looked at him. "You're too old to pout, Gabriel."

Gabe looked at him earnestly. "Kali called." Cas sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Kali was Gabriel's on-again-off-again girlfriend for the past three years. Kali could never decide if she wanted to be with him for more than a month or two at a time and always left him without warning. She wouldn't return any of Gabriel's calls, only calling when she decided she wanted him back. Cas remembered a time she'd called him from Mexico, and Gabriel had immediately gotten in his van and drove there from Illinois. Castiel had never met Kali, so he couldn't judge her, but he didn't approve of the relationship at all. It was unhealthy and obsessive, and it destroyed Gabriel every time she left, leaving him a heaping mess for weeks afterwards. Their family was basically cursed.

"I suppose this means you're leaving again." It wasn't a question because he already knew the answer. Gabriel reached out for him, but Cas smacked his hand out of the way and got out of bed. "Don't touch me."

"Cassie-"

"Stop fucking calling me that!" Cas snapped. Gabriel shut his mouth. "Why-" Cas's voice got choked up, and he paused to collect his thoughts. "Why do you do this? You message me out of nowhere and try to pick up where we left off just to leave like it's no big deal. Even when we were younger, and you knew Michael... You knew I..." Cas shook his head, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He hated it, hated being so weak when it came to his stupid fucking family. "You can't just keep abandoning me like this- and don't say you're not because you do this every time! It's all fine and great when you want to be my friend, but the second she calls, you forget I even exist. I'm _alone_ , Gabriel. I'm fucking alone! Everyone hates me and- and-" Castiel collapsed on the ground and buried his face in his hands, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks.

 _Keep it together! What's the point? It's not like he'll change his mind. Nobody cares about me. Nobody. Dad hated me. Mom blamed me, leading to her hating me too. Michael, Luke, and Anna hate me. Gabriel doesn't care about his pathetic, emotionally damaged excuse for a brother either. They all leave. Everyone does. Because of me. All I do is let people down. I’m a fuck up. I’m a selfish fuck up._ His wrists felt like they were on fire, and he wanted nothing more than to put that fire out. He ached for that bittersweet release he hadn’t felt in so long. _Pathetic. You’re pathetic. It’s been almost a year, and you’re ready to give up._

“You’re not alone, Cas.” Gabriel crawled on the floor next to him and wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders. Cas jerked and screamed for him to get away, but Gabriel held on tighter, shushing him. "You're not alone, I promise. You'll be okay." _You don't know that._ "It's just us here, Castiel. It's Gabriel. I'm here. Just Gabriel," he whispered over and over until Cas calmed down. Gabe was the only person who could calm Cas down from his meltdowns. He was the only one who could break the barrier. _Maybe that’s why I lose control when they happen and he’s not here to get me through it._ Cas's tears became silent and he stilled. "Are you okay?”

"What do you care?" Cas muttered. Gabe's grip loosened, and Cas pushed himself off and up to his feet. "You should go."

Gabriel stood and looked at him uncertainly. "What about Thanksgiving? We can still-"

Cas laughed humorlessly. "What _about_ Thanksgiving? Just face it: our family doesn't do holidays. There's no point in even trying anymore." Gabriel wasn't going to argue that, he already knew. Cas was pretty sure all of the Novaks gave up hope in having a normal family a long time ago.

Gabriel hesitated for a while, still gauging Castiel's disposition. "Are you sure?" Cas nodded and wiped his drying tears, crossing his arms tightly across his chest. Gabe reached out to him, but let his arm fall when Cas pulled back. "I need her, man. I can't live without her," Gabriel explained in a low voice, as if Cas didn't already know that.

Cas sighed again. He sniffed and took a deep breath. "I know. You should go."

Gabriel nodded and got his bag, snapping the clasp in front of his chest. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm as fine as I always am. I'll manage," he replied quietly. _Who cares what happens to me when I’m alone? I can’t push back these demons on my own, but by all means, go be with Kali._

Gabriel pulled him into a hug and squeezed him tightly. Cas closed his eyes and actually hugged him back. "I'm gonna call you, baby bro," he promised against Cas's chest.  _No you won’t._ Cas smiled at him weakly and walked him to the door. Gabriel walked away and with a sad, parting wave, he disappeared around the corner.

Looking at the clock, he noticed it was only just before 11. He sighed and closed his eyes, only slightly still on edge. Cas remembered seeing Meg around campus yesterday, so he took out his phone and began typing a message. _"Instead of turkey, shall we intake copious amounts of alcohol?"_

After a few minutes, his phone buzzed. _New Message: Meg: “You know me so well, Clarence. Come to my dorm in an hour and we'll celebrate.”_ Castiel smiled to himself. He would've gotten drunk either way, but it was always better to find someone with whom to share his misery.

 

**& &**

 

Dean woke up bright and early Thanksgiving morning to get started on preparing dinner. He finished prepping four pies and the dressing before anyone else woke up. He hummed as he worked, focusing on the food and nothing else. He didn't want his mom to feel obligated to slave over the kitchen, but he really needed to talk to Benny today. _Nothing to worry about now, just make food._

He heard his brother bound gracelessly down the stairs, his ungodly long limbs still not worn in yet. "Mornin', sasquatch," Dean greeted as his not-so-little brother came into view.

"Shut up," Sam replied with a smack to the back of his head. Dean continued humming and turned away from Sam. "What's got you all happy this morning?" Sam retrieved the carton of orange juice from the fridge and took a long swig.

"Could you not drink from the carton? Jesus, Sammy, it's like you were raised in a barn." Sam huffed an incredulous laugh and rolled his eyes, getting a cup from the cabinet. "And I'm just making the most of being home, is all. I was feeling kinda homesick a month or two ago."

Sam grinned at him. "Did you write a song about it?"

"What? No. Maybe. Yes. Shut up." Sam laughed and Dean threw a blueberry at him. "I'm actually gonna bring my guitar back with me. I think it might make me not feel so... far away, or whatever."

"Maybe you'll actually come back with some talent," Sam said sarcastically.

"Oh ha-ha! You're hilarious, Samantha. Really." Sam rolled his eyes again. "Oh, hey, could you preheat those ovens? I need to get these babies cookin'."

"Why do we need four pies anyways? Doesn't that seem just a little excessive?"

Dean grinned. "There's no such thing as too much pie, Sammy. Besides, I figured... Y'know, one for y'all. And three for me." Dean gave his little brother a cheesy grin.

Sam shook his head. "I don't know how you get anyone to sleep with you."

"Guess I'm just really, really ridiculously good-looking."

Sam gave him a flat look. "I repeat my previous statement." The taller boy laughed at Dean's unamused face and walked out of the kitchen and into the back yard.  _Kids these days have no taste._

By the time John and Mary came downstairs, the pies had finished baking, and Dean was preparing the yams to be cooked later. He and Mary prepped his mom's homemade macaroni and cheese last night, and it was already in the oven.

"What smells so good? I thought you weren't cooking until later," he heard his dad ask his mom from down the hall.

"It's not me," Mary replied. When they came around the corner, Mary's eyes lit up. Dean smiled and wiped his hands on his apron before going in for a hug. "You didn't have to cook, Dean."

"I wanted to. Happy Thanksgiving." John looked him up and down with an amused smile. "What?"

John shook his head. "Just a new look, I see. First it's cooking in the kitchen with an apron, next thing I know, you'll be calling to tell me you're quitting school and running off with your boyfriend to Canada." John laughed and Mary slapped him on the chest. Dean could feel his face get hotter, and he quickly took off the apron. "Oh don't be like that, Dean. You know I was kidding."

"I know. I just have to go. I wanted to catch up with Benny before we sit down and eat," he explained, kissing Mary on the cheek. "I'll be back before five, I promise."

On the drive over to the docks, Dean still couldn't decide that he wanted to say. He didn't even know how he'd start off the conversation. _"_ _Hey, old buddy old pal. Remember how you said you're gay? Well, I heard you've been stickin' it to Andrea- you know Andrea, your wife? Just wondering if you could tell me how to flip your switch to women because I think I might need to learn how to do that. Thanks. Oh yeah, how've you been?"_

Dean laughed humorlessly and rubbed a hand over his face before turning the stereo up to drown out his thoughts. He pulled into the dock's mostly empty parking lot and wandered down the pier until he saw a burly guy securing a big boat to the dock. He smiled to himself. It was almost like back in high school. "Didn't anyone tell you the water ain't safe around here? Vampirates are running amok all over the place," he called out, remembering their old joke from middle school.

Benny looked up and when his eyes landed on Dean, he grinned ear-to-ear. "Well, I'll be damned. Is that you, Hollywood?"

Dean smiled and opened his arms for a hug. "Get over here, you big son of a bitch!" When they hugged, Dean realized Benny must've gained at least thirty pounds of muscle since seeing him last because his arms knocked the wind right out of him. "Alright, alright."

Benny pulled off and just smiled at him like he hadn't seen him in ages- _over a year_. "How've you been, brother? Last I seen you was..."

"My party," Dean finished quietly. Benny nodded, eyes distant. "I've, uh- I've been good. California's pretty far away, but I manage. But I, uh... I actually kinda need to talk to you. Unless you need to get back to work-"

"Nah, I got time. We're closed, anyways. I just like coming out here and making sure my baby's still running." He patted the boat they stood beside and laughed. "Three paychecks to pay for this beauty. Wanna hop in?"

"Yeah, man." When they climbed into the boat and looked around, Dean found a cooler and tipped it open, finding bottles without labels on them. "Beer? Or is this some sort of drug boat?"

Benny laughed. "It's beer. Garth makes it. Not half bad, if I say. Feel free." Dean took one for himself and handed one to Benny before sitting down and taking a drink. _Damn, Garth. This actually_ doesn't _totally suck._ He decided he'd have to tell him how good it was the next time he went to Bobby's. "How's your mom?"

"She's doing a lot better. She has her bad days, but the cancer hasn't come back, so I'm happy."

Benny nodded. "That's real good. We been prayin' for her in church." Dean laughed out loud and shook his head. "What's so funny?"

"Going to church _and_ married to a woman? It's just..." Dean trailed off and shook his head again, taking another sip. He looked away from Benny and into the distance where the sun reflected off the water.

"You heard about Andrea," he said knowingly. "I'm guessin' that's what you're here about?" Dean shrugged silently. Benny sighed and sat beside him. "What's on your mind, brother?"

"What happened to you?" Dean blurted.

Benny started picking at a stray string on his jeans. "You remember what I told you before you left?" Dean nodded. "I didn't really know what I expected... Hell, half of me thought you'd punch me in the face." He laughed to himself.

Dean subconsciously knew the answer to his next question, but he still had to ask. "And the other half?"

Benny chuckled sadly. "Well, that half hoped you would, uh… reciprocate.” Dean’s brow tensed. “Y’know, maybe you’d finally come out, too. Tell me you felt the same as I did- even though I didn't say anything about that... Guess I left that part out," he said quietly. Hearing it out loud made Dean's stomach twist in knots. _Why the fuck was I so stupid? Of course Benny had feelings for me. But I was so fucking concerned about myself, I didn't even think about it._ "I reckon that's why I told you and not someone else."

"And I... I laughed it off and punched you in the arm and said 'awesome.'" Dean remembered with a groan and hid his face in his hand, laughing awkwardly. "Jesus, I'm sure that was a fuckin' great thing to hear."

"Ah, it ain't so bad. I also remember you telling me to be happy with who I am and that it's nothing to be ashamed of." Dean smiled to himself when Benny paused. "I told my old man. That day after you left."

"How'd he take it?" Dean remembered Benny's father vaguely. They never spent much time at Benny's house growing up- the trailer park was dangerous and Benny had always insisted they go to Dean's or anywhere else. The few times he'd actually met Mr. Lafitte, he'd always seemed like a big brute of a man, dark and quiet- and a drunk, from what Benny told him.

"About as good as you'd expect. Beat me within an inch of my life. 'No son of mine is a goddamn faggot!'" Dean flinched at the words, too shocked to speak. "I was in the hospital for a good two weeks recovering. Broken nose, broken arm, couple'a fractured ribs." Benny cleared his throat and took a breath. "He left a note on the door, said 'Your kind ain't welcome here. If you're still queer the next time I see you, you're dead.'"

Dean could see the pain on Benny’s face from the memory, and Dean’s heart ached for him. " _Fuck_ , Ben, I'm so sorry. I didn't know..."

Benny shook his head. "It's not your fault. That's just how people are around here. I should'a expected him to do that."

"No, you shouldn't have," Dean said, face tight with anger. "Why didn't you call me?"

Benny shrugged. "What were you gonna do? You said it yourself, California's far away."

"I would've come back and killed that son of a bitch myself," Dean replied honestly.

Benny looked down and smiled at his hands sadly. "I know you would'a."

They sat in silence for a few seconds before Dean brought the conversation back. "So that's why you married Andrea?" Benny nodded, giving him a helpless smile. "Got any kids?"

Benny genuinely laughed. It came out as kind of a sob, but he laughed through it. "Hell no, man. What do I look like? Some sorta hetero?"

"But I thought-"

"It was just to cover my ass. What the old man don't know can't hurt him," he replied with a wink. Dean rolled his eyes. "I mean, I tried just liking women- honest to God, I did- but when Andrea tried to take the date to the next level, I panicked. Told her everything. She understood and actually took the news really well- hell, she was just happy to know I knew before we went out and it wasn't her that 'turned me gay.' I mean, you can't just choose to be gay or straight. You are what you are." Dean shrugged inwardly. _There goes that option._ "So we made a deal. I don't ask questions if she don't. And now I get to look like the good ol' traditional, God-fearin', straight man the people around here expect me to be."

Dean paused. "Why don't you leave?"

"And go where?"

"Come back to LA with me. There's plenty of gay shit out in California!"

Benny laughed. "That's mighty sweet of you to offer, but I don't have any money. Where would I work? Or live? I'm just better off here." _How could anyone be better off living in fear of being themselves?_ Dean shook his head. If Benny was okay with being here, it wasn't his place to stop him. "I do think it's pretty damn funny I'm the queer stuck in the Bible Belt and you're straight and living out West."

Dean looked down at his hands and huffed a laugh. "Yeah," he said after letting the silence hang. Dean tipped his beer back and finished it off.

He could feel Benny watching him. "There somethin' else you wanted to talk about?"

Dean took a deep breath. He really didn't _want_ to talk about it, but he'd regret it if he didn't. "We've been best friends since kindergarten, right? And you'd be totally honest with me?"

Benny nodded and turned to give him his full attention. "Yeah, brother, of course."

"Okay, um. Growing up, did I ever... I ever-" He laughed humorlessly and put a hand over his face. "I can't fucking believe I'm asking this," he mumbled. "Did I ever give you any reason to think I'd be...?"

"Are you asking if I thought you were gay?" Benny asked bluntly with an amused grin. Dean sighed and nodded. "You really don't remember?"

"Remember what?" Dean's mind raced and he started to panic, trying to go over 21 years of memories within 30 seconds. _Why can't I remember?_

"When we were back in high school and we'd sneak up to your treehouse- God only knows how two fully-grown defensemen could fit in that damned thing- with your dad's alcohol, or we'd score some pot and go smoke it and just shoot the shit all night- remember that?” Dean felt a smile tugging at his lips in memory. “A couple'a times you got... wasted. Just totally fuckin' shitfaced and you... Well, you're one of them friendly drunks," he said with a small smile. Dean laughed inwardly. _Oh, don't I know that by now._ "You'd end up asking me why you didn't like girls yet, or why you fucked them if you didn't like them- but then you'd ramble on and on about how you wasn't gay. Tell ya the truth, you're pretty hard to read. But, uh- you're not gonna punch me in the face, right?"

Dean heart was racing a thousand miles per hour. _I told him all that? I haven't even worked through any of that crap myself_. "Yeah, I just... I need to know everything."

"Well, some nights when you were really lit and it was late, you'd ask me if I've kissed guys before- if I'd kiss you. The older we got, the more insistent you were, even begging me to let you blow me-" Dean's heart almost fell right out of his ass, all of the air leaving his lungs. "-But I never did. I didn't want you to wake up and think I took advantage of you. An' I always assumed you remembered and we just weren’t gonna talk about it. Figured you weren’t ready." Dean groaned and buried his face in both of his hands. Benny rubbed a hand over Dean’s back hesitantly. "You alright?"

"I will be." He sat up and looked at Benny, all the pain and regret in his eyes. That's what hurt Dean more than anything else. _I was such an idiot. My own problems made Benny feel like I didn't care and feel like I was just using him. But Benny stayed anyways._ "Thank you. For not doing anything or bringing it up. I know it sounds shitty, but I'm just-" Dean shrugged, words failing him. Benny nodded understandingly. "Thanks for telling me."

Benny clapped him on the back. "Come on, it's gettin' late. Unless there's somethin' else..."

"Oh, no. That was it." They climbed out of the boat and hugged, not wanting to let go. "Really, brother. Thank you."

Benny huffed a laugh, air hitting Dean's neck. "Any time," his friend murmured.

They parted and started walking away. "Hey-" Benny turned around expectantly. "Uh, could you... Could you not tell anyone about this? Hell, I don't even know-"

Benny laughed again. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

They stood and looked at each other in silence before Dean spoke up again. "I'm gonna get you outta here, Ben. I'm gonna come back here and get you out."

"Don't make any promises you can't keep," Benny said sadly. With that, they turned and walked away.

On the drive home, Dean thought about anything except his shit he had to work through. He thought about how he'd eat a whole pie for dessert. He thought about how this was the longest he'd gone without some form of sex in almost three weeks, and how he couldn't wait to fuck Cas when he got back. But then that thought led to the stuff he was trying to avoid, so he went back to pie.

When they sat down for dinner, and his dad asked what he and Benny talked about, he just smiled and said "Just old friends catching up."

 

**& &**

 

"Fuck you, Thanksgiving!" Cas yelled at the top of his lungs. He spotted a stray paper turkey on the ground, and he ran up to it and kicked it. "Fuck you, turkey!" Castiel swayed on his heels and stomped on the paper again.

"Get back here!" Meg called from behind him. He made no intention of moving except to take a long swig of the half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. It was dark out, and he and Meg somehow made it to the trail in the woods behind the school. Cas didn't remember much of how their day led to this- he remembered getting to Meg's dorm and immediately drinking from the first bottle of Jack; he remembered laughing with Meg about something for a good twenty minutes, and remembered Meg telling him to follow her, and that was really it- but he knew he didn't want to go back.

His problems were stupid and made him feel bad; drinking with Meg was fun.  _I deserve to have fun._ Meg caught up to him and clung to the hem of his shirt, reaching up for the bottle. "Gimme some of that."

He let her take the bottle and he swayed more, almost falling over. "I hate holidays. I hate today. I hate everything." Castiel kicked a fallen branch under his feet. _I hate myself._

"Y'know, you keep saying that, but you still haven't told me why," she slurred, letting Cas take the bottle back. Instead of replying, he grabbed her hand and took off at a full run down the trail. His head was swimming, and the cold air stung his face. The woods were completely silent except for the sounds of them breathing and the ground crunching beneath their fast feet. He closed his eyes for a second, letting the sensation of his legs going numb and the wind blowing around him take him away. _I'm flying._ "Clarence!" Meg shrieked as she pushed him to the right quickly.

His eyes opened and he tripped over his feet, falling onto his ass. "Ow," he mumbled with a grin. He laughed until Meg held out her hand to help him up. "I was flying," Cas whispered as he tried to stop from falling on her.

Meg stuck out her arm and pushed him off, but reaching out to keep him from falling back down. "Yeah, well, flap your wings a little harder next time." He and Meg returned to walking on the trail slowly, not speaking. He took a long drink from the bottle and leaned over to sniff the top of her hair. She jerked her head to get him off. "You're such a freak."

Castiel didn't say anything until he spotted a clearing in the woods. He let go of her hand and ran to the middle. He looked up at the night sky and spun around in circles, letting his eyes fall closed to just feel the air again. _I could just let go. Let everything go._ He stumbled and fell down again. He laid back and laughed until tears were falling down his cheeks, rolling around on the dead grass. Meg walked over and dropped to the ground beside him, lying on her back.

Cas stilled beside her, hiccuping as they watched the stars. There were no lights around, so all of the stars were out, the moon lighting up the night. Cas tried to count the stars a couple of times, always losing count and having to start over. He heard Meg sigh and he turned his head enough to look at her. Her hair was a mess, as were her clothes- and she forgot her jacket. He looked back up at the stars, remembering when he was a kid and he would watch the stars from his window. "Meg, why aren't you home?"

Meg sighed and snatched the bottle from him, getting up on her elbow to take a drink from it. She laid back down and took a long breath. "Don't have one."

Cas rolled onto his side and watched her. "What happened to your home?"

"Never had one. My mom got knocked up when she was 18," Meg confessed quietly. She hesitated before continuing. "Y'know, she always told me how she didn't want me and how my dad was a no-good asshole, but I knew she was lying. I knew my dad was great. Even though I didn't know who he was, I knew," she rambled quietly with a small smile on her face, eyes still fixed on the sky. Cas brushed a leaf from her hair and let her talk. "My mom gave me up to my 'uncle', Crowley, when I was 12. He thinks he's my dad, but he's _not_ my dad. He's not. He's just some wannabe asshole. Fuckin' prick."

Cas smiled at her. "It would seem that you don't like your uncle very much." Meg rolled her eyes, but still didn't look at him.

"I tracked down my dad... when I was 16. I found him all by myself."

"Where was he?" Cas whispered.

"Pitt Memorial." Meg hesitated. "The cemetery." Cas watched the pain flicker across her face, and he took another sip of the bottle. "Died back in '98. He lived long enough to have a family, though, I'll tell you that. One of his kids goes to UCLA with us," she added in a hushed tone.

"Who is it? Is it Victor?"

Meg smacked him. "Shut up, Clarence. I'm sittin' here... tellin' you all this shit for some reason, so don't make me... punch you in the dick or something." Cas laughed to himself and laid back down, cuddling the drink into his side. "It's Ruby. Civil rights preaching, skank-ass, spoiled Ruby." Meg proceeded to grumble unintelligibly. "She doesn't even care about him, you know? He was actually her dad. Gave her a sister and everything. He was there for them, and she doesn't care. She didn't care that I was her half-sister. She just told me he was a lying sack of shit, but she's the liar! She got a father, and I didn't. He wanted her, but he fucking..."

Meg's voice choked off and she sniffed. "He fucking abandoned me, is what my mom said. But I knew he didn't know. My mom probably never told him. I know he would've loved me too." Cas rolled over and wrapped his arms around her, rolling her closer so she was pressing her face into his chest. Her tiny fingers clung to his shirt as she rubbed her face into the fabric. "He would've loved me, too. What makes her so special?"

Cas ran his fingers over her hair to soothe her. After listening to make sure Meg had stilled, he whispered, "He would've loved you more."

"Really?" He nodded with his chin against the top of her head. She sniffed one last time before poking her face out and wiping her cheeks on his jacket. "Don't tell anyone about this or I'll cut your face off, you hear me?"

Cas chuckled. "Of course."

She rolled them so Cas was on his back and she was pressed up against his side, his arms still around her shoulders. She tried to roll away, but Cas kept his arm secure, and she gave up without much of a fight, resting her head on his chest and sighing. "This isn't cuddling. I just forgot my jacket, and I'm cold."

"Do you want my jacket?"

She shook her head and nudged closer. "No," she sighed. "I guess this is fine for now." He chuckled softly. "Alright, your turn. What's got you kickin' turkeys?"

He smiled sadly up at the night sky, searching for the star that reminded him of his mom. "Long story short: Dad was a drunk. Left us- my three older brothers, my little sister, and I. My mom... She... I suppose it's easiest to say she just wasn't around anymore after that. My oldest brother raised us like a dictator. Second oldest turned into a carbon copy of our father." He chuckled, remembering something Gabe called Luke last year at that time. "Last time we were all together, Gabriel called him a 'great big bag of dicks.'"

"I might have to use that one," she inserted with a light laugh.

Cas chuckled a little before continuing. "Sister ran away when she was 16. Can't blame her, though. Nobody would want to stay in a home like that."

"What'd you do?"

He gestured around them. "I came here. With nothing but one physical suitcase and a ton of emotional baggage." He sighed, reaching for the bottle and taking another long drink. "It's just... Everyone has left me at some point. The only brother who doesn't hate my guts leaves at the drop of a hat. So, I suppose I'm just destined to be alone."

Meg rolled onto her stomach to face him, their flanks pressed together. "You believe in that destiny bullshit?"

Castiel shrugged. "Maybe. I stopped looking for God a long time ago." He chucked inwardly, remembering last year when he and Dean had talked about God. Dean had mentioned a sarcastic comment about God being on a tortilla, but this was before Cas knew his sense of humor. Needless to say, Cas took his comment a little too literally, which led to him saying some things he's sure Dean won't ever let him live down for the rest of his life. "I tried to, anyways."

"I still want to believe, though," Cas admitted quietly. "If not God, then maybe there's someone else up there... Someone who cares. I have to believe in something... We all do, don't we?" Cas wiggled a little in his place, getting more comfortable. He could feel one of his theories coming on. "It's a coping mechanism among humans, to try and seek out reasoning behind the terrible things that happen in our lives. It helps people handle trauma, and believe that it all happens for a reason."

"Are you about to go off on some Psy-Guy tangent?" Meg asked, trying to sound disinterested and failing.

Cas smiled weakly up at the stars. "Choosing to believe in God, believing that there's someone up there who has a plan, but lets you ultimately choose your own fate, it's like putting your faith in someone to take care of you. Except that you're still in control, and you still have to take care of yourself. Does that make sense?" Meg shrugged. "The concept of destiny, though..." Cas sighed drunkenly, Meg's head rising and falling with his chest. "You're literally putting all of your belief in the idea that everything is predetermined. Which leads to questions like 'do we even have free will?' 'Am I really making any of these decisions, or did some invisible force of the universe already make it for me?'"

"That's vaguely terrifying," Meg mumbled as she took a swig from the bottle.

Cas nodded in agreement and took a drink after her. He winced a little at the burn in his sinuses. "The point," he slurred. "The  _point_ is this: none of us know what the hell is going on. And life... Life sucks." Cas hesitated and licked his lips. "Life sucks, and we all just have to find our own thing to believe in so that we can make it to tomorrow."

Meg was quiet for a long time after that. Cas didn't mind the silence; it was a peaceful night out, and he was drunk enough to not really care about much of anything. Eventually, Meg's eyes lit up and she gasped. "Unicorns," she whispered with a tiny, excited smile. Castiel laughed. "No, seriously. If you're hellbent on believing in something, let's believe in unicorns."

"But unicorns don't exist."

"Neither does God." Cas conceded inwardly. She moved to rest her head on his chest again, and they looked at each other in silence until she added, "I'll be your unicorn."

He smiled. Cas couldn't tell if it was because they were both completely wasted or if she was really making sense. "And that would make me yours?" She nodded silently. "I guess I could believe in unicorns.”

She smiled and rolled onto her back. "Why are you so sweet on me, Clarence?"

He looked down at her and thought about it. Cas really didn't know. A lot of people were obviously turned off by her frankness- Cas had been, too, initially- but all Castiel could see now was someone who understood. Even before they had this talk, he had seen something in her eyes that made him feel like they could understand each other, but neither of them reached out. He sighed. "I don't know. I think it's your pain."

She looked up at him with a confused look on her face. "You a sadist?"

Cas laughed. "No. I only mean that... I can see it because I know what it feels like. All of that thorny pain. It's... beautiful."

"I don't like poetry," she mumbled with what looked like a smile in her eyes.

Cas chuckled to himself, sitting in silence again until he felt his phone buzz, so he took it out of his pocket to view the message. _New Message: Dean: "Can I call you?”_ Cas typed out a yes and sent it. "We should be heading back."

He and Meg stumbled to their feet gracelessly and walked back towards campus, now-empty bottle of Jack in tow. Cas remembered a quote he read once that he finally understood. " _You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with._ " It made a lot of sense now.

 

**& &**

 

Dean was lying in his old bed in his boxers. He held the phone in his hand tightly, still debating whether or not to call. Dean stared at his dresser, still covered in his old awards and trophies from sports- mostly Little League; his high school team wasn't really that great. He remembered thinking that was who he always was- Dean, the football player. Dean, the “ladies' man.” He laughed humorlessly to himself. _Dean, the guy that gets drunk and tries to fuck all his guy friends._

He texted Cas to see if he could call instead of just calling because he was kind of hoping Cas wouldn't answer. Maybe it was too late wherever he was at, and he was asleep. Cas liked to sleep. Dean turned off his lamp and laid in the dark, still staring at the emptiness in front of him. He was so used to Cas sleeping five feet away, the silence was driving him nuts. His phone buzzed with a new message. _Cas: "yWd"._  Dean chuckled to himself. His friend was either asleep or wasted- and, knowing Cas, it was probably the first option.

 _Just call. He's your friend. You guys can call each other for no reason. And he said yes- well, kind of. He meant to say yes._ The clock read just after midnight, but he didn't really care. He was wide awake. Dean nodded to himself and dialed Cas's number. There was no answer after three rings, so he hung up. _Of course he's asleep. I shouldn't bother him._

Dean decided to give up and try to go to sleep. His eyes were shut for a good five minutes before his phone was buzzing incessantly. He answered with a quiet, "Hello?"

"Hello, Dean," Cas replied in a deep, sing-song voice.

"Cas, hey. What are you doing?" he asked, sitting up in bed, not bothering to turn on the lights.

"I am talking to you," he slurred with a small laugh at the end.

"Are you drunk?" Dean questioned with a grin.

"Wouldn't be a holiday if someone wasn't drunk, right?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Dean chuckled and crossed his arm under his elbow. "Family too much for you today?"

Cas snorted into the phone. "As always. I'm just tired of it."

Dean sighed. "Yeah, I know how that feels. You want me to let you go to sleep?"

"No. I don't want to sleep. I wanna talk to you." Dean couldn't deny the little smile that he felt spread across his face. "How's everything at home?"

"Not bad at all. My mom's doing pretty good. My dad's tolerable, you know. Sammy's been in way too good of a mood, so I might have to take him down a notch tomorrow." He heard Cas give a little laugh, and he stopped rambling. It felt so good to talk to Cas again. "Mostly just spent time with family. Had a long talk with a friend."

"Me too," Cas said simply. Dean was a little curious who he was talking to, but he wasn't going to pry because friends don't care about their friends talking to other people. "I think I have a new good friend now."

"You replacin' me?" Dean teased. And it's totally not a serious question.

"Of course not. You're my _best_ friend, Dean," Cas slurred. Dean heard a door open and close from the other end. "'nless you're replacing me."

"Nah. He's just a good buddy." Dean didn't want to talk about anything like that, so he went back to the small talk. "What are you doing besides talking to me?"

"I am currently taking off my clothes," he said absently. Cas mumbled, "I'm covered in dirt."

Dean laughed inwardly. "You're dirty and taking off your clothes? Man, Cas, say that to the wrong person and they might get the wrong idea." Castiel huffed a laugh into the receiver, and Dean could feel how much hearing Cas again was affecting him. He rubbed up and down his thigh unconsciously. "Hey, Cas, you alone?"

"Should I be alone?" Cas's tone was suggestive, so obviously he knew where Dean was going with this.

"I think so. Can you make that happen?"

Cas laughed again and grunted, bed springs crinkling loudly from his end of the phone call. Dean could tell Cas just flopped onto the bed. "I'm alone, Dean."

"You wanna pretend I'm there?" Dean felt his skin tingle as his blood rushed down his body, and he slipped his hand under the waistband of his boxers. "What would you do, Cas?"

Castiel hummed thoughtfully. "I would start by getting you naked, and kissing your neck- right on that one spot close to your jaw. I'd suck right there and bite on it because I know how much you like that."

Dean closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. He could imagine it like it was really happening. He started stroking his growing length slowly. "Yeah, that's good. What else would you do?"

"Kiss down your neck and your chest. Lick your nip- do I say 'nipple'? It's such a funny word." He laughed quietly, and Dean snorted. Cas got babbly when he was drunk. "Right, back to work." Cas cleared his throat and returned to his lower tone. "I'd lick your nipple while I rubbed the other one with my fingers, stroking your cock with my other hand."

Dean rested the phone between his ear and his shoulder so he could pinch and twist at his nipple while still stroking his dick. Dean let out a small moan and he heard Cas's breath hitch. "You touchin' yourself, Cas?"

"Yes," he breathed in return. "Wish it was you." Dean's heart skipped, and he grasped the base of his shaft momentarily. Castiel bit off a louder moan. "I-I'd suck your cock, Dean. Slow, long movements and swallowing as much of you as I can take. Tasting you- I... _Uhn,_ " Cas made a delicate mewl, and let out a deep breath into the receiver, and Dean made a mental note to never forget that sound. Dean moved his hand the way Cas was describing and his hips jerked up into his fist, searching for more. "I like sucking it, Dean. It's good. I like it because you enjoy it so much. I like – _mm_." Cas let out a breathy moan into the phone, and Dean's cock blurted a dollop of precome.

Dean was speaking before he realized it. "Wanna know what I'd do, Cas? I wanna fuck you again." He heard Cas's breath hitch at his words. "Take you apart with my fingers again. Fuck 'em in nice and deep like I know you like. Make you scream again, beg for my cock. You want it, Cas?"

" _Yeah_ \- yes. Want you to fuck me, Dean," he panted. Dean heard Cas whimper almost immediately afterwards, and he knew Cas was fingering himself. The image put Dean dangerously close to the edge. "H-How do you wanna fuck _mmm_ -me, Dean?"

"Fuck, Cas," he whispered with a grunt, trying to hold on and not jack himself off too fast. "I wanna hoist you up on that desk of yours. Bring your ass to the edge and wrap your legs around my waist while I pound you right into that wood." He squeezed his eyes shut, toes curling with restraint.

" _Yeah_ , keep going- _uhn, yeah_ - k-keep fucking me," Cas breathed into the phone heavily. Dean moaned at Cas's words and tightened his fist.

"Won't ever stop, Cas," he promised. "You'd have to keep your arms around my neck or scratching down my back to try and keep your head from banging against the shelves, but your back's gonna get bruised up-"

" _Fuck me, Dean_ ," Cas moaned wantonly. "Wanna- _ah!_ Feel it- _fuck_ \- feel it for days."

"You will, baby. Feel it for _weeks_ , gonna fuck you so hard-" Dean couldn't speak anymore, the feeling of his hand on his dick while he imagined pounding into Cas was too much.

"Want it, Dean- _yeah_ ," Cas panted into the phone. "Dean-!" With a sharp intake of breath followed by a long moan, Dean knew Cas was coming.

The image of Cas laying on his bed, naked with his own fingers buried in his ass and his hand on his cock was too much. It was all too much. The thought of Cas coming just from touching himself and _thinking of Dean_ was what sent Dean toppling over the edge of his climax, helplessly moaning Cas's name like it was the only word he knew anymore. Dean jerked up into his fist a few more times, coaxing himself through the rest of his orgasm.

Dean panted into the phone and looked to his bedside table for some Kleenex tissue to clean himself up. After he took care of his mess, Dean laid down in his bed and brought his blanket up to his chest, letting his eyes slip shut. He and Cas sat in silence just to listen to each other breathe for a few minutes, and Dean had the lingering feeling like this is what it would sound like to sleep next to Cas.

"Dean-"

"Yeah, Cas?" Dean answered sleepily.

"Did you call me 'baby'?" Dean groaned and buried his face into his pillow out of embarrassment. Castiel laughed out loud. _Oh my God. I'm going to die._ "You- called- _baby_!" Cas choked out through his laughter.

"Oh my God, shut  _up_! It was an accident, I swear."

"Yes, I'm sure it was," Cas teased.

 _He's so drunk, he won't even remember me saying that ever happened. It doesn't matter._ Dean let Cas's laughter die down into a comfortable silence again. _Say it. He won't remember._ "Hey, Cas?"

"Yes, Dean."

"I m- uh." _What? "I miss you?" How gay is that? Do friends even say that to each other?_ "I mi..." Dean sighed and gave up. "I'm, uh... gonna start heading back to UCLA tomorrow," he decided on.

"Good," was Cas's quiet reply.

He heard Castiel yawn, and he decided they should sleep. "I'm gonna hit the hay."

"Okay, Dean," Castiel answered through another yawn.

Dean smiled into the darkness of the room and cozied his face against his pillow. "Goodnight, Cas."

"Night, baby."

Dean groaned. "I'm gonna fuckin' kill you when I get back." Cas laughed one last time before they hung up.

Dean put his phone away and pulled his blanket up over his shoulder as he rolled onto his side, willing his mind to stop turning. Taking that edge off helped, but he still had stuff he should probably think about eventually. There was a lot of shit he had to sort out, actually- stuff that, admittedly, scared the living hell out of him to even consider. Whatever it was, it had the power to change everything about who he's ever been, and he wasn't ready for that.

 _If Benny's dad did that to him, what's stopping Dad from doing that to me? What would Sammy say? And Cas and I have rules... Would he be pissed? How badly would it ruin our friendship?_ He sighed. He couldn't let any of that happen. So for now, he'd pretend he never even considered any of this. He'd pretend everything is exactly the way it's always been. Dean decided he was just going to stay "Dean, the ladies' man" ( _who occasionally fucks his best friend_ ).


	13. December 1, 2013

"Castiel, hurry up with that cappuccino!" Zachariah barked from the cash register.

Cas rolled his eyes. "I'm going as fast as I can." Cas put the large cup on a smaller plate and rang the bell. "Alex!" He huffed an impatient breath and turned around to start the next order.

"Well, go  _faster_ than you can."

The Sunday when everyone was getting back was hectic. Zachariah was taking orders and having Cas do all of the work by himself until Charlie came in later. A knot had started forming in his back, along with the uncomfortable sweat dripping down under his uniform.

Castiel wiped his forehead with the palm of his hand and ran it up through the top of his too-thick hair. He considered the idea of getting a haircut, but then remembered the way Dean pulls it and smirked inwardly. _Maybe not._ "Castiel!"

"Alright, this is the last two orders," Cas stated as he put the lids on the two lattes. He set them on the counter and rang the bell. "Terry and Joanie!" A friendly couple came up and retrieved the drinks with a small thanks, walking out of the store with their fingers interlaced. Cas sighed, his mind somewhere far off. He saw Charlie happily  bouncing around the corner with her headphones on, smiling and waving as soon as she saw him. Cas let out a relieved sigh. "Finally."

She took off her headphones and came around the counter. "Sup, bitches." Zachariah just grunted and rolled his eyes, removing his smock. Charlie made a face and mocked him behind his turned back. Cas snorted and covered his mouth when Zachariah looked at him sternly.

"I'm leaving. Try not to mess everything up," he instructed grumpily as he clocked out. He turned his attention to Charlie and pointed an accusing finger. "And no free drinks for girlfriends."

"Yes, sir," Charlie replied with a sigh. Zachariah huffed past them and around the corner. "Have we talked about how much I hate that guy? Because I _really_ hate that guy." Cas nodded in agreement, trying to clean the messy counters after the rush. Charlie got up close to him and crossed her arms. " _You_ didn't text me."

"I'm sorry. I was just busy," Cas said. _Busy having a slight emotional breakdown. Not a big deal._ "The only person I got around to talking to at all was Dean."

Charlie beamed with a knowing grin. "You would."

"What do you mean by that?" Charlie shrugged and looked away. Cas peered at her suspiciously. "What are you insinuating?"

"Nothing. I guess I'm just not as important to you as Dean..." Charlie teased nonchalantly. 

Castiel could feel the heat rushing to his cheeks. He set his lips tight and pretended to look indifferent. _He texted me first. It doesn't even count as special treatment._

Cas took over the cash register and let Charlie make drinks for the next couple of customers. Charlie was a bouncy person; she worked hard and still hummed and danced, making everything look so effortless.

Charlie hummed something under her breath as she swung her hips side-to-side while making a smoothie. Castiel smiled to himself and watched her with amusement as she got progressively louder. She turned on the blender and swung her arms up, shaking her head passionately as she bursted, " _That's where it is!_ " Cas let out a laugh, and she turned around, blushing when she noticed people watching her. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"You're in a good mood," he observed with a tiny smile.

Charlie sighed dramatically. "I'm in _love_ , Castiel. The world is truly a beautiful place," she said in a dreamy voice.

"Congratulations." Charlie grinned again, and Cas turned his attention back to what he was doing. "What is that you're humming? It sounds familiar."

Charlie handed the smoothie to the customer and turned back to clean up. " _Does he love me? I wanna know- how can I tell if he loves me so?_ " she sang for him. Castiel tried to remember but he just shook his head. "Dude! 'It's In His Kiss'?" Charlie asked incredulously. Cas shook his head again. "Well, my parents are obsessed with oldies music- seriously, our house is basically reserved for music that predates 1987- but it's a classic. Really good."

" _I_ _s it in his face?_ " Cas mumbled, remembering parts of the song.

Charlie grinned. " _No, girls, it's just his charms!_ "

" _In his warm embrace?_ "

" _No girls, that's just his arms._ " Charlie took a deep breath and belted, " _I_ _f you wanna know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss!_ "

Castiel chucked to himself. "I think I remember it now. It is a good song. Unfortunately, the only music I've been listening to recently is classic rock."

Charlie made a surprised face at him. "You don't look like the type." Cas just looked off and pretended not to notice when Charlie's face broke into another grin. " _What a coincidence_ , Cas, you know who  _else_ listens to classic rock-?"

Cas sighed. "Dean is not the center of my life, Charlie, it's only-" He felt his phone go off, and he pulled it out to check the message. Cas closed his eyes and let out a long sigh with tight lips. _Great timing._

"Who's that?" Charlie prodded with a knowing nod.

"Oh just... Stop thinking whatever it is that goes on under that devil red hair," Cas mocked with a particularly menacing squint.

"What does _Dean_ want?"

 _New Message: Dean: "Hey, just letting you know I'm back."_ Cas quickly replied with _"Took you long enough."_

"Cas..." He looked up at Charlie and put his phone away. "You were smiling at your phone. What did he say? That he _loves_ you?"

She made a kissy face, and Cas's chest tightened. " _No_. He was just saying he's back from Kansas, _thank_ _you_."

Charlie nodded and winked. "Now that we're all back, we should totally go to that cafe in town tonight."

Cas furrowed his brow. "We _work_ at a cafe; why would we want to spend our evening in one?"

"No, but their place is so cool! Like, they have musicians, a bar, and open mic night and everything. It'll be fun." Cas looked at her pleadingly, and she shook her head. "Don't give me that 'Oh I'm Castiel and my hobbies include being studious and not having fun' look," she mocked in a deeper voice.

Cas squinted at her. "Is that supposed to be me-?"

"Please come. You even said that you never have any fun."

He sighed. _She's right. All I do is go to class and go to work and do homework._ "Who all do you intend on inviting?"

"The usual suspects: just me and Jo, you and Dean."

"Charlie, if this is you trying to set up a double date, I swear-" he started impatiently, heat rising in his face and the tightness in his chest returning.

"Cas, calm down. I wouldn't consider it a date unless you wanted to consider it a date." Cas looked away pointedly. "Okay, so it's just a group of friends hanging out, I promise."

 _Not a date. Just friends. Nobody assumes you're anything more. -And why would they? We_ are _just friends. What is wrong with me?_ "Alright. But Dean might not want to go, and I won't force him."

Charlie gave him a small smile and whispered, "I bet if you wanted to go, he'd want to go, too." And Cas definitely didn't care if she was right or not. He really didn't. Not even a little bit.

**& &**

 

Dean put his headphones in his ears and turned up his favorite Led Zeppelin album, laying down on his bed and closing his eyes. Dean loved driving while he was doing it, but he'll be damned if it didn't wear him out as soon as he was done. _A little nap couldn't hurt._

The farthest thing from Dean's mind was his dilemma about his... _whatever_. But that wasn't stopping his mind from going straight to what it'll be like when he sees Cas again. _Will it be awkward?_ They have no reason for it to be, but still... _Is Cas just gonna go straight to wanting to get off?_

 _Do we have to have sex every time we're alone? Friends don't do that- even the ones who_ are _hooking up._ He didn't think that's who they were, but that didn't stop that tiny pinching feeling in his chest that hoped Cas would just jump on top of him and ride him till the cows come home as soon as he walked in. _Yeah, I definitely wouldn't be upset about that._

Dean tried to think of when this shit started getting harder than what it began as. _Is it harder? Is there something messing this up?_ If he's being honest with himself, this "shit" with Cas has been getting harder since after Jo's party. ( _So, really, it's kind of all her fault_.) Dean figured if she hadn't have thrown a party, Cas never would've gotten drunk and fucked Meg; and then Dean wouldn't have seen them... or heard them... or got off on it- and he wouldn't have started sexualizing Cas so much.

 _Is Cas really the only problem, though? Is he really the first guy_ \- Dean hurriedly derailed his train of thought and tried to think of something else. He fidgeted on his back, one hand coming between the back of his head and the pillow, the other resting on his stomach. He frowned, feeling around his stomach and pressing his fingers into the softness. Absently, he made a mental note to start getting back into the habit of going to the gym with Victor.

His mind finally drifted off completely, and he fell asleep. Dean wasn't sure how long he slept, but when he finally opened his eyes and took out his earphones, he realized someone else was in the room. He turned his head and sat up on his elbow, resting on his side and admiring Cas. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, thick glasses slipping down his nose, hunched over and completely engulfed in _War and Peace_ , his fingers doing that thing that he does when he's really into a book and pressing against his lips.

Dean smiled to himself. "You were..." Cas looked up from his book suddenly, and Dean cleared his throat, ignoring that stupid, annoying scream in the back of his head. _It's only been a few days. His eyes are the same blue they always were._ "You were reading Tolstoy."

Cas tilted his head in question. "Right now?"

 _"When I first saw you."_ Dean considered saying it, but decided against it. "Nevermind. You didn't wake me up."

Cas's lips hid a tiny smile, and he shrugged slightly. "I know. You just... You looked tired and I-" He lifted his book up. "-have something to occupy my time." He looked back over to Dean and gestured towards his own face. "You're growing out your beard, I see."

Dean's hand instinctively reached up for his face and scratched the newly longer scruff. "Yeah, I don't know. I was just trying something new. Is it, uh- too dumb?"

Cas shook his head and looked back down. "It makes you look like a... a mountain man," he said with an easy smile.

Dean grinned. "Yeah? You like mountain men?" Dean waggled his eyebrows, and Cas gave him a funny look, rolling his eyes lightheartedly. They sat in a small silence, just looking at each other until Cas's brow line tightened and he looked off again. Dean huffed and sat up in his bed.

"Guitar," Cas said out of nowhere, like maybe it was just the word of the day. Dean glanced to where Cas was looking at and noticed his guitar case against the wall. "I noticed you brought one, I mean."

Dean grinned and stood up to retrieve it. He pulled the guitar out and went back to sit on his bed, facing Cas. Cas took off his glasses and set aside his book to give Dean his full attention. Dean tuned the strings absently, eyes flickering back to Cas's wide eyes that were fully captivated by his hands on the guitar. He smiled to himself before looking back down at his hands. "What?" Cas almost looked surprised when Dean talked. 

"Could you play me something?"

"Like, a few strings, or what?"

"Whatever you'd like."

Dean nodded to himself and set his hands up to play one of his favorite songs. _But no singing_. He started strumming the slow tune, plucking at the memorized chords. Cas smiled faintly, eyes still fixated on Dean's hands. "Do you like it?" Dean asked quietly as he kept strumming.

Cas nodded. "You're very good. What is it?"

"'Angeles'," he answered. Cas just silently licked his lips and watched more intently. "It's not that hard. It's just a pretty simple couple of chords- just repeating the same thing over and over."

"You shouldn't sell yourself short, Dean," he replied simply. Dean looked up to find Cas looked into his eyes earnestly. "I mean it." Dean swallowed and looked back down at his guitar, wishing he could beat the shit out of that voice in the back of his head because there's only so much screaming he can take. After the room fell silent except for the strumming of his guitar, Cas asked, "Are there words?"

Dean's stomach knotted up. "I don't... sing. For people, I mean."

A flash of _something_ flickered across Cas's face momentarily, and he kept his eyes on Dean's hands. "Oh." He cleared his throat and blinked quickly. "I understand."

The knot in his stomach untwisted, but was replaced by a sinking feeling in his chest. _I should really see a doctor about this bullshit_. "I could... I could sing- I mean, I could sing for you, if you want."

"Dean, if you don't want to-"

Dean smiled. "It's okay. I should probably have someone else besides Sam hear me anyways." He looked up and saw Cas's hopeful eyes on his face. He cleared his throat and closed his eyes. "I- I sing with my eyes closed, so, uh... don't make fun of me."

"Of course not, Dean."

He let the chords play through a few more times before taking a deep breath and starting. " _Someone's always coming around here, trailing some new kill_." Dean could feel his voice wanting to crack, and he hoped Cas didn't notice. " _Says I've seen your picture on a hundred dollar bill. And what's a game of change to you, to him is one of real skill._ " He took a slow breath to calm his heart. " _So glad to meet you, Angeles_."

The first verse was always the hardest, but the panic eased and he relaxed. " _Picking up the ticket shows there's money to be made. Go and lose the gamble, that's the history of the trade._ Fuck," he added when he could feel himself run out of breath. He heard Cas let out a small laugh. " _And you add up all the cards left to play to zero, and sign up with evil. Angeles. Don't start me trying now because I'm all over it, Angeles_."

" _I could make you satisfied in everything you do_ ," Dean sang with a grin. " _All your secret wishes could right now be coming true, and be forever with my poison arms around you_." He nodded to himself before letting his tone die down. " _No one's gonna fool around with us. No one's gonna fool around with us. So glad you meet you, Angeles_." He let his hands play the chords a few more times before stopping. He kept his eyes closed and licked his lips unsurely.

Slowly, Dean opened his eyes and looked up to Cas. Cas's eyes were dewy-looking, and his lips were parted, brows tight. Cas's eyes met his, and Dean tried to silently ask his opinion. "Dean..." He breathed.

Dean chewed on his lip uncertainly. "Was it okay?"

Cas nodded eagerly, lips still open. "Dean that was..." Cas tried to get something out, but a breathy unsure laugh came out.

Dean smiled and looked down at his guitar. "I hope that was Cas for 'good.'"

"Why do you not sing for _everybody_?"

Dean huffed a laugh and shrugged. "My music is... kind of a part of me. Like, it's who I am, and stuff I don't want to say or can't say, you know? I just- I _can't_ give that to people," he answered as he made to put his guitar away.

Cas was silent for a while until Dean turned back to him. He still looked lost, or like he was trying to find what to say. "Thank you," he settled on. Dean nodded. _It doesn't feel as bad as I always imagined it would be._ "I hope the people tonight have the same talent as you do."

"Tonight?"

Cas winced awkwardly. "I forgot to tell you. Charlie invited you and I to join her and Jo tonight at some cafe that has music and open mic and whatnot."

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Open mic night? That sounds kind of lame."

Cas's face fell slightly, and he looked away with a tight expression. "Yes. Yes, it does. I already promised I would go, but you don't have to. I'll tell her-"

"No wait-" When Cas reached for his phone, Dean lunged forward to stop him. "I could, uh... I mean, I could go. It might be fun."

“Dean, if you're not going to enjoy yourself..." Cas looked at him uncertainly. "Don't just go for my sake."

"No- no, yeah, I wanna go. Besides, someone's gotta save you from being a third wheel." Cas's bright smile made Dean smile in return. _Could be fun._

**& &**

Castiel was glad Dean had decided to go with them. He actually wasn't so sure what time Charlie and Jo were coming to meet them, but he knew they needed to get ready soon. So, he took his change of clothes into the bathroom while Dean got ready in their room.

He'd insisted that Dean keep talking about his break while they changed. Cas loved hearing Dean's stories about his family. He didn't even know them, but he felt like he did. Cas knew they were all good, genuine people, and that really struck a chord with him. It definitely wasn't the type of family dynamic he was used to, so maybe that was why he loved Dean's stories so much. 

"Didn't you say he was dating a girl named Madison?"

"Sammy doesn't like to admit it, but he's probably a bigger playboy than I was- he's dating Sarah now," Dean returned.

Cas pulled up his favorite jeans and wiggled to fit them all the way up. "What's she like?"

"She's a sweet kid. Spunky. They were actually friends for a long time before they decided to go out. Sam says she's the love of his life."

Cas smiled to himself as he buttoned up his blue and black plaid shirt. "That's sweet. Sam sounds like a great guy, too."

"You would _love_ Sammy. Huge dork. You'd get along perfectly," Dean teased from outside the bathroom door. Being compared to the perfect brother that was Sam Winchester was the highest regard Dean could hold someone to, but Cas pushed that thought away.

Cas scoffed and opened the door. "I resent that." Dean shrugged and chuckled. "Maybe you're just jealous because we're both good-looking _and_ smart." Cas tucked in his shirt and pulled on his black sweater vest.

When he looked back at Dean, he was pretending to be offended. "Are you suggesting I am not both of those things?" He put a hand over his chest earnestly. "I'm hurt, Cas. You cut me deep." Dean's expression broke and he grinned, looking Cas up and down. "You looked better the way it was before.”

Cas furrowed his brow and looked down at his shirt. "I like the sweater."

"I hate it." Cas was about to call him rude when Dean walked over and put his hands on Cas's hips, crowding him against the desk. _Oh, I see now_. "I think you should take it off." Cas raised an eyebrow and shook his head stubbornly. Dean grinned and lifted the sweater vest off of him anyways. "And you should untuck your shirt." Cas shook his head again, and Dean stepped closer, bringing their groins together. Not breaking eye contact, he slowly moved his hands to Cas's lower abdomen and pulled the shirt up enough to untuck it, hands slipping to his lower back and doing the same with the back of his shirt.

Cas turned his face so it was an inch from Dean's and looked from Dean's lips to his eyes and back down. "Do I look presentable now?" he quietly asked.

He felt Dean's laugh against his lips. "Not for long," Dean whispered challengingly. Cas surged forward and pressed his lips to Dean's, wrapping his hands around Dean's back. Dean laughed into the kiss as Cas pushed his hands under the back of Dean's jeans and squeezed his ass, bringing him closer.

"What are you gonna do?" Cas asked between kisses.

Dean chuckled again and brought his hands down below Cas's ass and hoisted him up to the desk. "I've got a few ideas."

Cas grinned and brought his hands up to the back of Dean's head and slid their lips closer as Dean grinded their groins together pointedly. Dean gripped his hips and pulled him in even tighter, wrapping Cas's legs around his waist. Cas let out another breathy laugh; the relief of finally having Dean touch him again making him a little dizzy- it felt like they'd been apart so much longer than just a few days.

Dean disconnected their lips and brought his to Cas's neck, his hips still rubbing incessantly against Cas's. A soft sigh escaped Castiel's lips when Dean snaked a hand up the front of his shirt. "Are you going to fuck me?" Cas murmured in a low voice.

Dean kissed up from his collarbone to his neck and up to his ear. "That's the plan," he promised. Cas grinned and pulled Dean in tighter, his hands scrambling to unbutton Dean's jeans. Dean let out a shaky laugh into his neck and sucked a mark into his collarbone.

"Mm _hn yeah_ ," Cas breathed. He reached his hand into Dean's pants and cupped his bulge. Dean's hips bucked forward and he let out a soft moan, biting down on Cas's neck affectionately. "Good?" Dean nodded and nuzzled his chin against Cas's collar. Cas let out another laugh at the tickling sensation of Dean's new beard. "Good."

Cas's phone vibrated in his pocket and he let out a surprised yelp. Dean sighed and slumped against him in disappointment. Cas rolled his eyes at the disruption and pulled his phone out of his pocket. _New Message: Charlie: “On our way. See you soon.”_

Cas gave an unamused sigh. "Change of plans."

Dean sat up and pulled Cas's hand that held his phone towards him to read the message. Cas expected Dean's expression to fall, but Dean just grinned at him and tossed his phone onto the bed. Dean leaned in closer and hovered their mouths teasingly. "How much you wanna bet we can get off before they get here?" He asked before lightly pressing his lips to Cas's. He pulled back just a little to hum in question and raise his eyebrows.

Cas parted his lips to fit along with Dean's until Dean grasped his hips more firmly and rolled their groins together. Cas gasped into Dean's mouth and Dean chuckled, one hand tightly holding Cas's hips on the edge of the desk, the other coming up under Cas's shirt and tugging on one of his nipples. Cas groaned and laughed, letting his head fall back. "You're on." Cas scooted further off the desk and moved one leg between Dean's and grinded his hips down on Dean's leg. "Come on then, Dean. We don't have all night," he mumbled into Dean's jaw.

Dean began rocking his hips down onto Cas's leg and pressing into his hips tightly, lifting and rocking his other leg along with Cas's rolling hips. Cas moved his hands up the back of Dean's shirt and scratched at his lower back and dipped under the waistband of Dean's jeans. Dean moaned into Castiel's ear, pressing small kisses to his neck and jaw. "No time for music. G-gotta try to be quiet."

Cas nodded frantically, licking up Dean's neck before nipping it softly as he grinded his hips harder. Dean's breath hitched and he brought their lips back together, sliding his tongue next to Cas's. "Glad you're back," Cas whispered under his breath into Dean's mouth.

Dean moaned and kissed him deeper, his rhythm faltering for a moment. "Me too, Cas." Cas let out a small breath and moved his hands to Dean's neck and pulled him closer. Dean slowed his movements, his hips rolling deep against Cas's and his tongue dancing with Cas's to the same motion. Cas let out a moan, overwhelmed more by the long, rolling movements than the small, hurried ones. Dean held onto Cas's rolling hips tighter. " _Close_ ," Dean whispered into his mouth, resting their foreheads together.

Cas nodded again, bringing their lips back together and holding on tighter to Dean's shoulders. Dean wrapped both of his arms around Cas's back and brought their whole bodies flush together. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck helplessly and breathed against his mouth, too far gone to kiss.

There was a knock on the door and Cas let out a high-pitched groan he didn't know he was holding in. Dean sealed their lips together tightly, grinding his leg up into Cas's groin and rutting against him quicker. Dean bit down on his lip, and Cas came with a muffled gasp, hips stuttering against Dean's and coming in his boxer briefs. " _Oh my God_."

He kissed Dean deeper, lifting his leg to allow Dean at a better angle. Moaning and thrusting his hips quickly, a tiny " _Cas_ " fell from his lips onto Castiel's as he rutted his way through his climax. Cas slumped back against the desk and tried to catch his breath. Dean stepped back and rested his hands against his knees, leaning over with a heaving chest. "Holy shit," he whispered.

Cas laughed until the knocking continued. "Cas! Dean! Get your mouths off each other's dicks and answer the goddamn door!" Jo hollered from the other side.

"Why don’t you shut up and go fuck yourselves?" Dean shouted back.

Cas rolled his eyes. "We're almost done, just give us a minute to finish getting ready," he called. He looked at Dean whose hair was messed up and lips were a swollen red, small red dots showing up on his neck. He laughed to himself. "You look like shit."

Dean snorted. "You're one to talk." They went into the bathroom together to get cleaned up. When Cas looked in the mirror and noticed his hair practically sticking straight up and his lips an even darker red than Dean's, he laughed. His shirt had the first two buttons tugged open, and the fabric was wrinkled from where Dean had pulled on it. "Told you," Dean mocked. They cleaned up their underwear gracelessly- nudging, pushing, and making faces at each other. They rinsed their faces and gave themselves and each other a final once-over before deciding they looked okay enough to leave.

"Fucking finally," Jo groaned as she got up from the floor next to Charlie in the hallway. "Are you princesses ready to go?"

Charlie looked up at them and giggled as she let Jo help her to her feet. "Well... with that beard, you're more like the Beast to his Beauty."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Let's just get going, alright?" 

They started walking, and Dean made a pained expression as he rubbed his chest. "What's wrong with you?" Jo questioned him.

"I think the fast food from this morning gave me heartburn," Dean answered as he shook his shoulders uncomfortably.

"Is your heartburn _still_ giving you trouble?" Cas asked as he absently pat down his pockets, and Dean nodded. Cas stopped in his tracks, realizing he was missing something. "I forgot my phone in the room; I'll be right back."

He doubled back to the room and retrieved his phone. When he turned back around to leave, Dean came in and smiled at him. Before Cas could ask anything, Dean put his hands on Cas's arm and gently tugged him closer before pressing his lips to Castiel's. Cas smiled and tilted his chin to fit their lips together. "What are you doing?" Cas whispered, lightly bumping his nose with Dean's cheekbone.

Dean pulled back and shrugged. "I don't know. I'm just glad we're back."

Cas looked down and smiled inwardly, licking his lips. "Come on. We shouldn't keep them waiting."

 

**& &**

 

The cafe was… okay. It was dimly lit (for romantic " _ambiance_ " or some crap) and the music was decent, but it wasn't a whole lot of fun. Charlie had insisted on a corner booth in the darkest part of the room, and their overhead lamp was dying and not giving them much extra light.

Charlie and Jo were snuggled up on one side of the booth, arms wrapped around each other and Jo letting her legs rest on top of Charlie's. Dean rolled his eyes. _Love is gross_. He was sitting across from Cas, the girls separating them. Cas was watching the band on stage (a group of guys with acoustic instruments and whiny voices) and sipping his coffee absently. Dean sighed and slouched in his seat, tapping on the rim of his mug mindlessly.

"What's wrong, Dean? You don't like the music?" Charlie asked, sitting up just a little to look at him.

Cas turned his attention to him and Dean shrugged, looking back at Charlie. "Nothing; it's alright."

"Well, perk up a little and enjoy yourself." Charlie looked out in the tables at the middle of the room and nudged Dean. "9 o’clock. Blonde, big boobs."

Dean followed her nod and spotted a _decent_ looking girl who had some features he could probably appreciate. She was leaning over the table to giggle with her friend- also not a bad-looking girl. "Yeah, what about her?"

Charlie nudged him playfully. "Go cheer yourself up. She looks like fun." Jo scoffed, and Charlie kissed her cheek apologetically. "Not as fun as you, baby."

"Damn straight," Jo mumbled into her cup of coffee with a small smile.

Dean admired the girl and saw her look over at them before turning away and smiling secretively to her friend. _Oh yeah. Easy._ He took a sip from his cup and smirked, but not finding himself all that interested, if he's honest. The girls both turned to their table and grinned cutely. He gave them a small wave, and the blonde waved back. The other girl, a brunette with long hair, pointed at Cas, and Dean nudged him to get his attention.

Cas looked over, and the girl waved at him. Cas gave her a small, shy smile and waved before turning back and slipping lower in his seat. The girl frowned, but disregarded it. The blonde rolled her eyes and turned around as well. Dean shrugged and scratched his scruff absently. _Their loss. Cas and I are both awesome in bed._

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dean asked, leaning over the table. 

Cas tilted his head in confusion. "Nothing. Why?"

"That girl totally wanted you," Jo answered for him. Dean nodded, even if he was a little, tiny bit happy that it didn't pan out.

Cas just shook his head and cleared his throat. "I'm just... not really interested." Dean's heart skipped with relief, and he silently cursed himself for it. Cas sat up straighter and gave the girls a forced smile. "Um, if you'll excuse me." He stood up and walked down the aisle and into the hallway toward the side of the building.

Dean sighed. _Is he upset about the girl waving at me? He's gotta know I wouldn't ditch him for some one-night-stand; I haven't done that in front of anyone I've hooked up with, let alone my best friend._ He pursed his lips and cleared the thought from his mind. _Does he want to go talk to her, but he thinks I wouldn't be okay with it? Because I could totally be okay with it._ Even if the last part wasn't entirely true, he still pulled out his phone and typed out _"If you want to talk to that girl, it's cool."_ and sent it to Cas.

"Hey, are you and Cas fighting or something?" Jo questioned, scooting further towards where Cas was previously sitting, and Charlie followed.

Dean shook his head. "No, why?"

"You guys just... seem tense," she replied with a shrug.

"Yeah, you guys have been acting kinda bizzaro," Charlie voiced in agreement.

Dean's phone buzzed. _New Message: Cas: "That's kind of you to offer, but I don't think I'm going to. You may talk to the blonde woman, if you want.”_ Dean quickly replied with an honest _"I don't."_

Charlie nudged him to get his attention. "Are you sure you guys are okay?"

He saw Cas start walking back, and he gave Dean a tiny smile. "Yeah, we're okay," Dean answered the girls as he kept his eyes on Cas.

When Cas reached the table and noticed the girls had taken his spot, he furrowed his brow. The girls shrugged innocently and looked at the space next to Dean. Dean rolled his eyes and scooted further over to make room for Cas next to him. _Subtle._ "Sorry, Cas."

Cas's lips played with a tiny smile as he sat down and reached for his coffee. They were sitting close enough that Cas's knee and arm brushed against him every time he moved. "That's alright. This seat is okay, too." He looked at Dean and shrugged indifferently. Underneath the table, Cas let his knee rub against Dean's slowly, the outside of their thighs rubbing together. Cas took a coy sip from his cup while his leg closest to Dean moved to hook their ankles together. Dean smiled inwardly at Cas's slightly amused smile as he turned his attention back to the band on stage, while his heel rocked against Dean's ankle.  _Fucking tease._

They settled into their seats and tried to enjoy the rest of the band's set. The coffee settled in and made Dean jittery, subsequently making him loud and secretively handsy under the table. Two hours later, the set ended, and they drove back to campus. He and Cas said goodnight to the girls and headed back to their dorm.

"You know, we never..." Dean started uncertainly. Cas looked over to him as they walked side-by-side. "We never, uh- established whether or not we would..."

"Whether we could hook up with other people if we wanted?" Cas finished for him. Dean let out a deep breath and nodded. Cas dug his hands into his coat pockets and looked forward. "What would you suggest?"

"Dude, I have no idea," he replied honestly. Dean's eyes flickered over to judge Cas's facial expression, but it remained unreadable.

"Well, I haven't felt any sort of desire to explore my options-"

"You went out with Tess," Dean blurted before he could stop himself.

"She asked _me_ , not the other way around," Cas said, looking down at his feet as they walked. Dean was about to open his fat mouth and say something along the lines of how that didn't matter, but Cas continued. "Nothing happened with her, Dean." Dean opened his mouth to reply again, but still, Cas knew what he was going to say. "They could have, but they _didn't_ because I wasn't interested." Dean licked his lips and opened the door to their dormitory, walking in behind Cas.

They returned to being side-by-side as they climbed the stairs. "Like I was saying, I don't feel an inclination towards exploring my options, but I wouldn't get in the way of you exploring yours," Cas finished.

Dean scratched the back of his head. "Well, the whole reason we started _this_ was because girls were too much work, right?" Cas nodded without looking at him, and Dean shrugged to himself. "I guess I can tell you I don't really care enough to be chasing skirt anymore." Cas finally looked at him, and Dean tried not to look back as they approached their room. "Rule number one," he mumbled.

"Honesty, yes," Cas returned absently. "We're-" He cleared his throat when another student passed them, scooting close to the door and watching Dean unlock it. When they got in the room, he crossed his arms and stood by his desk, looking at his feet. Dean sat down at his desk chair and unlaced his boots. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did," he answered with a grin. Cas rolled his eyes and looked at him seriously. "Yeah, Cas, you can ask me anything. You know that."

"Yes, I know. We're... We're still friends, right?" Dean's chest tightened and Cas looked back down and started scratching at the back of his head. He huffed a frustrated sigh when he couldn't find the words he was looking for. "You haven't just been hanging out with me out of obligation, or something? I just feel like you wouldn't want to be my friend-"

Dean let out a breath of relief. _Thank God that's what he meant_. "Of course we're still friends, Cas. Why wouldn't I want to be your friend?"

Cas shrugged and let his arms fall to his sides. "I'm not... _fun_." Dean opened his mouth to disagree, but Cas kept talking. "I'm not some hot blonde that shamelessly flirts with attractive men in cafes," he mumbled.

"I don't want some hot blonde in a cafe," he answered honestly. Dean looked Cas up and down, trying to figure out why it's _him_ that he wants so badly.

Cas looked up at him and licked his own lips. "You're not just being lazy? Because you said you just don't care-"

"Cas, I don't _want_ her." ( _"I don't want_ her. _"_ )

Castiel paused and swallowed around something. "Yeah?" Dean nodded pointedly. Cas smiled down at the ground and shuffled on his feet. _That's better_. "What do you want, Dean?" He questioned in a low voice. Dean hesitated before Cas glanced up at him and started unbuttoning his shirt slowly.

Dean watched as he slid the material off and tossed it aside, stepping out of his shoes. "I don't know, Cas; what do _you_ want?" Cas grinned slightly and unbuttoned his jeans and stepped out of them before crossing the distance between them and standing between Dean's legs. Cas let their faces get within half an inch of each other, but when Dean leaned up higher to kiss him, he pulled back just enough to keep the distance. Dean sighed, an easy grin on his face.

"Firstly, I want you out of these clothes," he answered in a murmur. Cas reached down and toyed with the hem of Dean's shirt before lifting it up over his head and tossing it aside. He ran his hands down Dean's chest slowly and traced a fingertip lazily over his nipple, his eyes following his fingers. Cas lowered to his knees and reached up to unbutton Dean's jeans. Dean let out a shaky breath as Cas impatiently yanked down Dean's jeans and boxers simultaneously, throwing them to the side in no time.

He stood up and slipped off his own boxer briefs before kicking them aside. Dean grinned and hurriedly reached out for his hips and pulled him onto his lap, Cas's legs falling on either side of him. Cas let out a small laugh as Dean wrapped his arms around his waist, and Cas rested his on top of Dean's shoulders. Cas's eyes stayed on Dean's lips thoughtfully. "And now I want to kiss you."

"As you wish," Dean yielded. Cas closed the distance between their mouths and brought their lips together, softly at first. Cas parted his lips and let out a heavy breath into Dean's kiss as he rolled his groin against Dean's pointedly. " _Fuck_ , Cas." Castiel smiled against his lips and kissed him again, dragging his bottom lip over Dean's. "What else do you want?" Dean whispered.

Cas leaned in to Dean's ear and licked the shell of it, earning a shudder from Dean. "I want to suck your cock while I finger myself open," he murmured, and Dean had to make a very conscious effort not to come just from Cas saying that. "Because what I really want..." Cas's lip grazed Dean's ear as he paused. "-Is for you to fuck me," he finished as he placed a teasing kiss to the pad of skin in front of Dean's ear.

" _Son of a bitch_ ," Dean breathed, his eyes rolling back. He felt Cas nudge his earlobe with his nose and smile into his neck.

"Good?" Cas mumbled against his neck, sucking wetly on his Adam's apple. Dean probably nodded a little too eagerly, but he couldn't be bothered to give a damn. Cas grinned and unseated himself from Dean's lap, and Dean frowned before Cas was reaching over and fishing a condom and the lube out of his drawer. He seated himself on his knees between Dean's legs, squeezed some lubricant onto his fingers and leaned forward, licking down Dean's hardened cock and taking it into his mouth.

Dean sighed and let his head fall back, scooting his hips forward on the chair slightly. He felt Cas moan around his cock, and Dean hissed. Dean looked down and noticed Cas had reached between his legs and started fingering himself. "Jesus, Cas, you're so hot," he whispered. Cas opened his eyes, looked up at Dean and winked; Dean's eyes rolled back again. "Fucking tease," he mumbled. Dean reached behind him to manually turn on his music, a loud Steppenwolf song sounding from the speakers.

Cas pulled his mouth off of Dean's dick and stroked it while he grinned up at him. "Are you feeling confident about the possibility of it getting loud in here tonight?" Cas teased with a filthy lick of his lips before biting his bottom lip. Dean couldn't even respond if he wanted to because he felt like either his cock, his brain, or both were going to explode. Dean could tell when Cas inserted another finger because he let out a soft, higher pitched moan and squeezed Dean's thigh. " _God_."

"You rockin' your own world there, Cas?" Dean retorted. Cas raised an eyebrow to him and shrugged with a wide grin on his face. Cas then wrapped his lips around Dean's dick again, swirling his tongue around the head enough times to make Dean dizzy. " _Fuck_ -" Cas pumped his fingers into himself quickly, hollowing his cheeks and bobbing his head on Dean's cock at the same speed, making himself groan around Dean's shaft.

Dean cursed under his breath, his hand going to card through the back of Cas's hair and his hips pumping up unconsciously. Instead of gagging and pulling back, Cas moaned again and dipped his head, taking all of Dean's length in his mouth, the head hitting the back of his throat. " _God_ , Cas, just like that-!" Cas swallowed around him and added a third finger to his own hole, letting out a long breath through his nose against Dean's skin.

Dean ran his fingers through the top of Cas's hair that hadn't seen a pair of scissors in quite some time, and grabbed a fistful, yanking his head up. Cas's eyes were completely glazed over, eyebrows tight as his chest heaved breathlessly. "You're fucking perfect," Dean mumbled as he brought his thumb to Cas's spit-coated bottom lip. Cas watched him as Dean dragged his thumb over the wetness around Cas's lips before Cas licked the digit into his mouth. Dean bit down on his own bottom lip and stared at Cas's plush lips sucking on his thumb. "Jesus Christ," Dean whispered. He leaned down just enough to press his lips to Cas's and feel Cas moan into the kiss.

Cas pulled his fingers out and took the condom in his dry hand and his teeth, ripping open the package and spitting the foil out before rolling the condom on Dean's dick. _God, that shouldn't be so hot._ He got to his legs and straddled Dean's lap, putting more lube on his hand and stroking Dean's length. Dean surged forward and connected their lips, tasting himself on Cas's tongue. He wrapped his arms around Cas's back and scratched lightly down the taut muscles. Cas let out a long groan in response.

When Cas moved his hand to spread the rest of the lube on his own cock and his other to lift himself above Dean's dick, Dean rested their foreheads together. "You sure, Cas?"

Cas smiled a wicked smile that Dean rarely saw. "I'm a big boy, Dean. I can take dick like a man." Dean's scoff got cut off when Cas sank onto Dean's cock in one long, slow movement. Cas's mouth fell open into a silent gasp, rolling his hips down to get Dean's length fully sheathed.

"God _damn_ , Cas," Dean moaned, his hands coming to Cas's hips and holding on tight. Cas let out a shaky laugh and rolled his hips down a few times to get used to the feeling. "Feels so good," he breathed.

Cas pressed his lips to Dean's and lifted his hips up before falling back down and rolling his hips again. "Dean," he gasped. Cas lifted his legs momentarily to re-situate himself and yelped when he realized how deep Dean would get when he put his full weight on him. Cas fell backwards slightly, and Dean took advantage of Cas being thrown off by holding on tight and rolling his hips up into Cas even deeper. Cas's hands held onto Dean's neck for dear life. "Dean-! Oh my God." Dean grinned and lifted himself slightly off the chair and gave a few brutal thrusts of his hips, Cas bouncing on his lap helplessly. " _Fuck_ , D-D _ean_ -!" Cas all-but-screamed.

Dean chuckled and sat back down, letting Cas find his balance again and plant his feet comfortably on the ground. Dean happily buried his face in Cas's neck and felt him try to catch his breath. He licked down the column of skin and bit down on his collarbone. "You like that?"

Cas moaned and brought their lips back together as he lifted his hips and slammed down hard, a groan being ripped from Dean's chest. "Ye-yeah, fuck-fucking love your d-dick," he breathed as he increased his pace. Cas moved back, resting his hands on the tops of Dean's shoulders to help lift him higher and fuck himself down onto Dean's cock. Cas smiled and tossed his head back on a particularly hard downward drop of his hips. "Fuck-!"

Cas set up a brutal pace, bouncing and rolling on Dean's lap like this is what he was fucking born to do, moaning and screaming wantonly, and Dean thought he was going to die from being so turned on. That, or the chair underneath them was going to break with the way the wood was squeaking obscenely.

Dean felt himself talking before his brain realized what was happening. "C-Cas? F- _fuck yeah, just like that_ -! Cas- mm, Cas?"

Castiel opened his eyes and looked at Dean as he slowed down just enough to regain the ability to talk, rocking his hips down and getting Dean impossibly deep. "Y-Yeah?"

Dean really didn't know why he was asking such a stupid question at such an inconvenient time, but he had to ask when both of their minds were mush. "Do-do you ever th-think you mi-mi-might be- _fuck_! Might be gayer than you-you originally thought?" he asked slowly, trying to keep a hold of Cas's rapidly moving hips. Cas let out a breathy laugh and resumed his previous pace of lifting and slamming down obscenely, his eyes falling shut again. "It's ju-just you seem- you seem to l-like this a lot-"

Cas opened one eye to look at Dean with amusement as he let out a breathy laugh that dissolved into a moan. "That's pretty-pr-pretty- mm, _goddamn.._. Pretty big talk com-coming from the guy with hi-is d-dick up my ass," he quipped breathlessly. Dean laughed and reached a hand up to twist one of Cas's nipples in retaliation. Cas gasped loudly and breathed a heavy chuckle, increasing his pace. His hips fell so hard, long streams of curses fell from Dean's lips alongside the short and loud gasps spilling from Cas's.

Dean buried his face against Cas’s sweat-covered, bouncing chest, feeling himself getting close. "T-touch me, Dean." Dean reached between them and fisted Cas's cock quickly, rubbing at the slit on every upward stroke. " _Oh_ , fuck-!" he screamed at a higher pitch, his hands coming to hold onto the back of Dean's neck tightly and resting their foreheads together. "Fuckfuckfuckfuck-! _Dean_ -!"

" _Shit yeah, Cas_ \- God. Feels so _fucking_ good," he groaned loudly. He wrapped his free arm around Cas's back and pulled their bodies a little closer, tilting his head up and kissing Cas's open lips. Cas moaned and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, hungrily accepting his kiss and bouncing on his lap erratically. "S-So close, Cas," he breathed before pressing their lips together again.

Cas slammed down onto Dean's cock with a loud " _Dean_!" every time he was fully seated. Dean pumped his hand over Cas's cock faster, twisting his wrist pointedly. "Ah-! Fuck yeah, Dean! Fuck me- fuck me- fuck me. _Oh my god_ -! Yeah, Dean! S-S-S-So f- _fuck_ ing good. _Ah-_ " Cas starting coming with an unintelligible guttural scream as Dean kissed and nipped at his jaw insistently. "Ah- Ah-! _Dean_ -!" Dean sealed their lips together as Cas's jerking body slammed down one last time with a long, muffled shout and spilled over Dean's hand.

Dean kissed Cas softly as he shook helplessly through the rest of his orgasm. "Jesus fucking Christ, Cas," he breathed as he stroked Cas through it. Castiel kissed him deeply and rolled his hips down and got Dean impossibly deep. " _Shit_ , Cas that's so good," Dean groaned, burying his face in Cas's sweat-covered neck and wrapping his arms around Cas's waist.

"Come on, Dean," he whispered insistently. "You feel so fucking good inside me." Dean let out a high-pitched whimper that he'd never admit to and dug his fingers into Cas's back. Cas rocked his hips down and moaned in Dean's ear, his breath making Dean get goosebumps. "God, Dean- _mm_."

Cas brought his lips back to Dean's ear and whispered a sentence that ripped Dean's orgasm from him. " _Cas_ -!" He mewled into Cas's neck, holding onto Cas tightly. Castiel moaned inwardly as he helped Dean ride out his orgasm, kissing the side of his face and raking his hands over his hair. "Oh my God, Cas," he breathed with an overwhelmed laugh.

Castiel smiled as Dean leaned back and brought their lips together one last time chastely. Dean ran his hands up and down Cas's back comfortingly. "Was that good?" he whispered, tone suddenly vulnerable.

Dean sat back and sighed contentedly, raising his eyebrows in appreciation. He carded his fingers through Cas's thick, sweaty hair and smiled. "Dude, that was better than any girl I've ever been with," he answered honestly. Cas's face broke into a shy smile and he bit his lip, looking away from Dean. Dean laughed. _How could anyone ride dick like that and then look so innocent afterwards?_

Cas pecked his lips one last time before unseating himself slowly from Dean and walking over to the bathroom and retrieving a wet wash cloth, cleaning up his stomach and legs. "I really did enjoy that," he admitted with a small smile.

“Oh yeah?” He tossed the rag to Dean as he pulled up his discarded underwear. Dean chuckled and tossed the condom into the garbage can before cleaning up his stomach, hands, and his lap. "I'm glad you enjoyed it because I don't think you'll be able to walk or sit tomorrow."

Castiel laughed breathlessly and turned off the stereo before settling into his bed. Dean got up and pulled his boxers back on and turned off the lights, crawling into his own bed, feeling happy and sated. He looked over at Cas, the light from the moon playing on his face; Dean could tell he was looking at him in return. "Dean?" Cas whispered.

"Yeah, Cas," he returned quietly.

Cas didn't answer immediately, and Dean could see him pulling on his bottom lip uncertainly. Cas let go of his lips and pulled the blankets up even higher on his neck. "I am really glad you're back," he finally said.

Dean smiled warmly, and Cas must've seen it because he smiled, too. "Me too." Dean fell asleep easily, his dreams consisting of replaying Cas's voice whispering _'I want you, too'_  over and over again.


	14. December 10-14, 2013

Finals were getting closer and closer every second, and the pressure was eating away at Dean. The words in his notes were starting to become blurry, and his professor's sentences started running together. Dean felt like he was drowning. There was this huge weight on his chest that was getting harder and harder to ignore.

To make things worse, Cas had been spending more time with Meg. Wherever Cas went, Meg wasn’t far away. _It’s pathetic, really._ She was with them at lunch; she was there laughing when Cas would say something clever- Meg was everywhere, and it was killing him. _I'm not jealous. I just hate her face._ Dean didn't even know how this happened; he used to be friendly with Meg since they ran in most of the same circles, but now every time he saw her, there was this sick, almost angry feeling swirling in his gut. Dean kicked away the lingering notion of his growing resentment being traced back to Cas.

To kick him while he was down, Dean was also pretty sure he was literally getting sick. He really needed to go to the doctor because he was sure there was nothing normal about having this bad of heartburn. All of his friends had started noticing his discomfort as well, so there's no way it was in Dean's head.

"Remember to study for your exam on Thursday. Class dismissed," his professor announced. Dean stopped day-dreaming and realized he had been clenching his fist tightly over his pencil. He hurriedly grabbed his notebook and stuffed it into his backpack, leaving the classroom as quickly as he could. He made a bee-line for the closest men's room and ducked inside.

Dean dropped his bag and examined his reflection in the mirror. He was exhausted, and it showed in the heavy bags under his bloodshot eyes. Classes were overwhelming, and sure, Cas was helping as much as he could, but he had to deal with his own shit too. Dean turned on the cold water and rinsed his face; it wasn't much of a help, but he felt a little better. He took a deep breath before opening his eyes and wiping his face.

The door to a bathroom stall opened and- of all the people in the school- Meg walked out. "Oh, hey, Deano."

Dean bit the inside of his cheek. "This is the men's room," was his response. Meg nodded as she washed her hands. "Y'know… For _men_."

Meg chuckled. "Gender schmender. There's more privacy in here. The women's room is crowded." Dean shrugged. _Makes sense_. "So how's the family holding up without their Golden Boy?"

"They're fine. Sam's the golden one, anyways. What did you do over Thanksgiving? You never did tell us."

"You don't know?" Meg looked at him with a genuinely confused look ( _Well, as genuine as someone without a soul can look_ ). Dean shook his head. "I stayed here and mostly spent time with Clarence." That all-too-familiar pain in his chest returned with the sick swirling in his gut, and he forced himself to stand still. "Yeah, his brother came and then split without warning so he was in pretty bad shape. We talked. It was… It was alright, I guess." Meg had a small smile on her face- and not the mocking one she gave Dean so often.

Dean's heart felt like a dead weight sitting heavily in his chest. He swallowed thickly before he could speak. "I, uh- I didn't know that." He paused. "Cas didn't tell me."

Meg shrugged. "Sorry, toots. Guess your boyfriend doesn't tell you everything after all."

"He's not-" Meg was out the door before he could spit out the rest of his sentence. Dean scowled. " _Succubus._ " Dean reached into his bag for the almost empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol and took a swig from it.

 _How could Cas not tell me about this? I didn't even know he was talking to his brother again. And he told Meg? We're supposed to be best friends. So much for_ goddamn _honesty._ Dean shoved the empty bottle in the trash bin and left the bathroom angrier than he had entered it, heading straight to the coffee shop to confront Castiel.

**& &**

It was a slow day. There were two customers at 'Brews, both typing away on their laptops, practically hidden behind a fort of textbooks. Castiel was leaning over the counter, staring outside the window at the quad. He noticed how angry the clouds looked: dark and heavy- an ominous sign, at least. Finals week.

Charlie's phone kept buzzing, followed shortly by a tiny giggle from the redhead. Her phone buzzed for the hundredth time, and Cas finally turned his attention to her. "What could you possibly be giggling at so much?" Charlie smiled and showed him her messages. Castiel stared at the phone in bewilderment. "What is this?"

"You're such an old man, Cas." He shrugged. "Jo started it. She typed 'heart eyes, heart eyes, kissy face', so I sent her 'pink hearts, blushy kiss, and winky face'. So she said-"

"Is that supposed to make sense?" Charlie gave him a fake laugh. "I thought emoticons were for decoration-" Something behind him must've caught her eye because she smiled and waved. Cas turned around and saw Dean walking towards them, not making eye contact with him in particular. _Strange._

"Dean, I need you to settle this." She turned her phone to him and talked in that weird nonsense Cas couldn't understand. "And she just sent me 'licky face, peace sign, peace sign, kissy face and stars'. I don't really know how to respond."

"Have you _seen_ my phone? How the hell am I supposed to know what those mean?" Cas raised his eyebrows at Charlie, and she gave them both a dismissive wave. Dean sighed deeply, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. "Let me see it again." Dean looked at Charlie's messages and took the phone from her. "Ah, I see." Dean typed something on the keypad, muttering something about red hearts, diamond rings and more red hearts, before handing it back.

"Thanks." Charlie giggled at her phone when it went off with another message shortly after, and she walked away from them.

 _How did he understand that interaction?_ Dean turned his attention to Castiel, noticeably bothered by something. "Can I talk to you?"

Cas nodded. "Hey, Charlie, I'm going to step out for a second; can you watch the counter?" She saluted in confirmation.

He followed Dean to the secluded part of the bookstore. "Dean, what's wrong?" Dean didn’t look at him. “What’s wrong?" Cas repeated, searching his eyes.

Dean scoffed. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” he said quietly, face red with frustration. “You told _her_ , but you didn’t tell _me_.”

Cas's heart jumped into his throat. "Tell you what?"

"Cas, don't give me that bullshit. You know what I'm talking about." Cas stared at him, confused. "Thanksgiving…? Your brother came and took off, and you stayed with Meg? Does that ring any bells?"

Cas closed his eyes and sighed. "Dean…"

Dean started pacing between the book shelves. "It doesn't matter." He quickly changed his mind. "Yes it does- why didn't you tell me?" Cas opened his mouth to reply, but Dean kept talking. "Whatever, nevermind." Cas thought he had a second to interject, but he didn't. "No. Y'know what, actually, I do want to know. Because we're supposed to be friends. We’re supposed to be _best_ friends. We're supposed to be _honest_ with each other, remember? Don't rules mean anything to anyone anymore?"

Dean shook his head and let out a humorless laugh. He stopped pacing and faced Cas, his eyes darting around like a mad man. "You didn't even tell me you and your brother were talking again. God, Cas, I'm so sorry he bailed," he added more sincerely. "You don't deserve that. I wish you would've told me- you _should've_ told me. I could've-"

Cas grabbed Dean's arm, and he stopped talking. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm just used to keeping things to myself."

Dean's face changed from anger to a calm upset. "You told your fucking girlfriend," he mumbled bitterly, again not meeting Castiel’s eyes.

"My what? _Meg?_ " Dean nodded like it was supposed to be obvious. "Is that who this is about? Are you jealous or something?"

"Jeal- _Jealous_?" Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes. He moved his arm out of Cas’s grasp and turned around to walk away. Cas followed him.

"Dean, that wasn't an answer." Dean kept silent until Cas reached out for him again. Dean turned back to face him.

"Why would I be jealous? We're _friends_ , Cas. Are _you_ jealous?" He asked sarcastically.

"No, but I also don't have any reason to be-"

Cas could see a glimmer of something behind Dean’s cold expression. "Oh, so I _do_ have a reason to be jealous?" Cas felt even more bewildered and Dean huffed. "Nice to know, Cas."

“Dean, please. You're throwing a tantrum." Dean ignored him. Cas shook his head. "Meg was here. Meg was just an understanding shoulder. We both come from broken homes, so she understood." Dean still seemed uncertain. "It's not a big deal. She was the closest friend I had in the area. You have no reason to be jealous. I swear.”

Dean groaned his annoyance. "I'm not jealous. I just hate her, okay? And I don't understand why she's suddenly everywhere you are," he spilled out. He took a deep breath. "It's like you two are closer than we are now." Cas laughed at his words, and Dean threw up his arms. "Okay, yeah it's hilarious. Whatever, Cas, just go-"

"I'm not laughing to offend you- I'm sorry. It's just- how could you ever think I'd be closer to _anyone_ over you?" Dean looked up at Cas, and finally something seemed to have gotten through to him. "You're you, Dean." Really, that's the only way he knew how to word it. "Don't be thick."

Dean nodded, having calmed down from his fit. "Well, you need to start telling me things. I let you put your dick in my mouth, for Christ's sake. It's the least you can do." Castiel felt a smile spread on his cheeks when he could see the first hint of a smile playing at Dean’s lips. "I, uh… I'm just really stressed out right now. Finals."

Cas nodded understandingly. "Are you still feeling sick?" Dean sighed and nodded, rubbing his forehead. "You should really go to the doctor."

"I know, I know... I got some more Pepto back in the room, I'll be fine for now," Dean said with a dismissive wave. "I'll see you back at the dorm tonight." Cas nodded again and looked back towards the coffee shop. "Hey, Cas… You know that if you'd have called me, I would've come back in a second, right?"

Cas bit his lip. "I know, Dean. That's why I didn't call you." Dean opened his mouth, but Cas cut him off. "You needed to see your family. I know how homesick you were. I'm okay now. Try to relax. You're going to do fine. Stop worrying so much." Dean nodded, and left the store.

Cas returned to work as usual, head on his hand, and watched the rain start to come down.

**& &**

It was the last day of finals- _Finally_. Dean laughed to himself. _Finals. Finally. Hah._ And Dean couldn't be happier about it. He had passed all of his exams, thankfully. Having the tests out of the way, he had time to think about Cas's situation. Winter break started in two days, and Dean was going home, of course, but they hadn't talked about Cas's plans. _Is Cas going to stay at school? That's just nuts. He can't be alone over Christmas_.

That night, he and Cas had been celebrating the end of finals in the girls' dormitory with Jo and Charlie. The girls got a little too drunk and decided to head up to the room for some "sweet lovin'," as Jo put it so romantically, so Cas and Dean walked back to their dorm. It was pretty late- or stupidly early, he supposed. The two o'clock air was wet and cold, so maybe they walked a little closer than necessary. ( _For warmth._ )

"When are you leaving for Kansas?" Cas asked, breaking the silence.

"Either tomorrow or the next day, I haven't decided yet." Cas nodded, looking at the ground in front of him. "What, uh-" Dean winced, trying to get the awkward sentence out. "What are you… What are you doing for the winter break?"

Cas chuckled inwardly. "Nothing interesting." They walked into the stairwell and up to their floor.

"Have you talked to your brother lately? Maybe he'll want to spend some time with you."

Cas was quiet. "Gabriel is back together with his girlfriend, so I don't predict I'll be seeing much of him until they break up again." He sighed as he opened the door to their room. "Honestly, I'll probably stay here and read."

Dean tossed his jacket aside and clumsily slipped off his boots. "You can't stay here by yourself over the break. That's, like, a month without anybody else around."

Cas shrugged, swaying a little from the alcohol they drank earlier. "It's not like I have any other options. It's what I did last year, and I... I survived," he added in a mumble. He huffed a laugh, but there was no happiness behind it. "I'll be fine."

Dean sat quietly for a while, thinking of a solution. "I've got an idea." Cas's head perked up. "Come to Kansas with me." Cas met his glance with a skeptical look. "Seriously, it's a great idea. We've got a guest room, and my family wants to meet you anyways. I'm sure they'd be cool with you staying with us for a while."

Cas looked unsure. "You're drunk, Dean." Dean shook his head, telling him it was a good idea. "I don't know, Dean… It's the holidays. I really don't want to intrude." Dean stood up and approached him, smiling.

"Dude, it'll be great. Don't worry about it. You deserve to be around people who care."

Cas gave him a weak smile. "Your family doesn't even know me."

"Doesn't matter. They'll love you." He paused. "Trust me."

Finally, Cas smiled up at him. "Okay." Dean's smile brightened subconsciously. "Okay," he said more resolutely. "As long as your family doesn't mind." Dean shook his head and leaned down closer to Castiel. "Now I have to get you a present."

Dean chuckled and licked his lips. "Oh that shouldn't be so hard. I'm sure there are ways you can thank me." Cas grinned wickedly before connecting their lips. He tasted like... Like something between whiskey and mint and something so unique to Cas that he just could never quite put his finger on it, but Dean loved it. "Mm, see? Already brainstorming."

"I've got a few ideas, I suppose," he mumbled against Dean's lips with a smile. He put his hands on Dean’s chest and lightly pushed him up against the desk, sealing their lips together when Dean was cornered. He tugged on Dean’s bottom lip with his teeth gently as he pulled away. Castiel grinned before falling to his knees in front of him. Cas’s hands grazed down Dean’s stomach slowly before locking onto his jeans.

Dean let out a long breath and placed his hands on the desk. “Awesome,” he murmured as he leaned back. Cas smirked and began stroking Dean’s growing hardness over his pants. Dean let his head fall back as he relaxed with his eyes closed. Castiel unbuttoned and tugged down the pants enough to pull Dean’s dick out, inviting a contented sigh from him. Cas placed a gentle kiss to the head and teased it playfully. Dean looked down at him and groaned, “ _God_ , you can’t do this to me, Cas.”

Instead of verbally responding, Castiel went right into sucking him off. Dean inhaled sharply and cursed under his breath, gripping one hand on the desk tightly and one at the back of Cas’s hair. _This guy is gonna be the death of me… And I’m not even complaining._ He even tilted his head back to maintain eye contact with Dean who had full view of Cas’s mouth on him. Watching his dick push in and out of those slightly-swollen pink lips had him panting a lot quicker than he cared to admit, his stomach quivering as he tried to catch his breath.

Cas swallowed Dean down to the base of his shaft, and Dean’s hips bucked involuntarily at the sensation, his grip tightening in Cas’s hair. “Oh my fucking God.” Castiel moaned around his length, and Dean’s knees shook. Cas must’ve taken that as initiative to go faster, and Dean basically just held on for dear life. “ _Shit_!” Every bob and twist of Cas’s head elicited a mewl from Dean, who was pulling Cas’s hair to the point where Cas _could_ have been getting off on it.

“Cas, I-I’m so _fucking close_.” Cas hurriedly reached into his pants and started jacking himself in time with his mouth on Dean, and he wasn’t far behind. Dean’s hips jerked erratically and Castiel moaned around him, holding onto the back of Dean’s jeans to stabilize him. Beyond the point of words, he let out panted " _Uhn uhn uhn_ " moans with every thrust of his cock into Cas's mouth.

Cas pulled off of Dean’s cock quickly. “Come for me, Dean,” he muttered before sucking him down again, stroking his shaft to meet his mouth on every thrust of Dean’s hips.

Dean whimpered helplessly and held onto the top of the desk, bracing himself. “ _Yeah_! Oh my god, Cas, yeah, fuck- _fuck yeah_." He rambled all at once as he came. He closed his eyes and quivered with a heaving chest.

Castiel stood up and kissed Dean a little sloppily, aggressive from inhibitions weakened by booze, and Dean eagerly reached for his cock to finish him off. He yanked on Cas’s hair, tugging his head back and kissing his neck as he stroked him. He grazed his teeth along Cas’s neck and up to his earlobe, nibbling and breathing hotly against his ear. Cas let out a broken moan.

"Want me to take care of you?" Dean prodded in a low voice. He could tell Cas wanted to nod, but the death grip Dean had on Cas’s hair was holding him back. "I love doing this to you," he murmured before sucking a spot on the sensitive part of Cas's neck. “You like that?” 

Cas let out a helpless moan as Dean jerked him off just the way he loved it. “Y-y-yeah, De-ean," he panted brokenly. With a choked-off sob, Cas climaxed over Dean’s fist and shook in his arms.

Dean traced his lips along Cas’s chin and up to his mouth slowly, releasing Cas’s hair to gently cradle his neck. Castiel licked his lips and stared at Dean. “You’re amazing,” he mumbled against Castiel’s lips with a grin. “You know that?” Leave it to his best friend Jack Daniels to get Dean to say things he probably wouldn't otherwise.

Instead of replying, Castiel stuck his tongue out and playfully touched it to Dean’s mouth. Dean chuckled and held Cas’s face still as he licked the side of Cas’s face from his jaw to his eye, causing Cas to giggle and crinkle his nose. “You’re disgusting!”

Dean laughed against Cas’s mouth and kissed him lightly, his thumbs grazing over Cas’s jaw. “You love it.” Castiel rolled his eyes and pushed Dean’s face away from his. “Aw, come on!”

Cas, still grinning ear to ear, wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and kissed him. Dean smiled until his cheeks were hurting in the best way. _Kansas, here we come._


	15. December 15-16, 2013

December in Los Angeles was really nice. This day in particular was especially great. The sun was out and the cool wind was blowing, leaving the temperature at a pleasant 68 degrees. Castiel was walking back to campus with Jo and Charlie, having gone shopping for last-minute trip essentials out in town. Normally with people their age, relationships would be on the cool-down phase around the four month mark, but Charlie and Jo were still as affectionate as ever. The pair were something Cas always enjoyed observing.

"You got my mom a present, right?" Charlie asked the blonde. She was nervous about splitting the holidays between their two families so the outing was practically just Charlie interrogating Jo.

Jo sighed. "Yes, dear." Cas smiled inwardly at the term of endearment.

"And you know she’s allergic to peanuts? You didn’t get her anything with peanuts, did you?"

"What in the hell kind of Christmas present has peanuts?" Jo returned incredulously. Cas chuckled.

"I don’t know! I’m just covering all the bases." Charlie was silent for a moment before stopping abruptly. "Oh wait! My dad is lactose-"

"Lactose-intolerant, I know." Jo put her hands on both sides of Charlie’s face. "Char. Calm down. Everything is going to be okay." Jo pet the sides of Charlie's hair down and gave her a deep look. Charlie’s nervousness lessened, but she still wasn’t at ease. "Take a deep breath."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before breathing out evenly. "Okay."

"Okay?" Charlie nodded between Jo’s hands. "Good." She placed a quick kiss on Charlie’s forehead before they continued their walk, her arm around Charlie’s shoulders. "God, you’re a handful."

They all laughed and continued talking about their holiday plans. "Let’s hear more about this romantic vacation you and Deanie Weenie are taking," Jo teased towards Castiel.

Cas rolled his eyes. " _Again,_ it is not a romantic trip. He just suggested I have somewhere to go for Christmas."

Both girls let out long, exaggerated groans. _It’s like they’re just one person now._ "You two are so annoying," Jo griped.

Cas squinted at her. "What do you mean?"

"Would you like to do the honors or should I?" Charlie asked Jo.

"Get him, baby."

Charlie got in front of Cas and began to walk backwards to talk to him directly. "You two are the most boneheaded, closed-minded… _buttheads_ we know." Castiel opened his mouth to rebut, but she continued. "There’s so much chemistry between you two, so much potential- just _wasted_ on you buttheads."

"I thought we decided on ‘morons’?" Jo inserted.

"'Buttheads' just felt right." Jo shrugged concedingly and Charlie returned to her _totally wrong and unnecessary rant_. "It’s like..." Her hands gestured to try and grasp at the words. "Like watching a TV show with writers who are too afraid of losing fans over having a homosexual relationship between two main characters. Because _god forbid_ they realize just how many fans would be in favor of such a relationship-"

"I understand where you’re coming from, but we're _just friends_ ," he emphasized for what seemed like the millionth time. "Besides, Dean isn't gay, so… That kind of invalidates the argument." Another simultaneous gripe was elicited from the girls. " _Please_ stop doing that."

"The gay vs straight dilemma between boys is _so_ annoying," Charlie wailed.

"I know! It’s, like, you don’t have to be gay. I’m not gay, and I am in a gay relationship. I love a gay woman." Charlie mumbled something about loving a bisexual woman in that lovey-dovey voice she uses, and they kissed quickly. "Bisexuality- or whatever else you want to identify as- can be as simple as this. Maybe for you, it’s just Dean. Maybe it’s a lot of dudes you don’t know yet."

Cas sighed, not really feeling into much of a debate. If he's honest, he wasn't too concerned about sexuality; he'd given it a thought here and there, but he wasn't exactly being kept up at night by it. "I get that. I can't speak for Dean, but maybe my sexuality something to think about on a rainy day- I have no problem with that- but why are you assuming we’re attracted to each other? Dean’s just my friend."

"I’m lesbian as hell, and I can tell you Dean’s a hot piece of ass." Charlie paused and made a disgusted face. "I can’t believe I said that about someone who’s practically my brother."

"Dean’s hot, Cas. I hate to break it to you," Jo said softly. "He’s really, really hot." Charlie pinched her arm, and Jo laughed and shrugged. "You’re hot, too, Cas. Everyone knows." Charlie nodded in agreement. "So there goes that argument."

"Just because we are two attractive men doesn’t mean we have to develop feelings for each other. Maybe you two should watch another show. Because nothing’s happening on this one." The two girls sighed exaggeratedly again. _I’ve got to get new friends._

**& &**

"Is that it?" Dean and Cas were loading their bags into the trunk of the Impala, getting ready to leave. Dean patted himself down. "Wallet, keys, pocket knife. Alright. You good?"

Cas peered off into the sky, squinting at the clouds. “I think… I think I packed everything.” _Weirdo._ Cas lowered his gaze and looked at Dean directly. “Why do you need a knife?”

"Y’never know.” Dean shut the trunk and headed towards the driver’s side. “Alright, let’s do this.” When they both settled into the car, Dean put the car in drive and they started their long journey. “So you know how long this drive is, right?”

Cas kept looking out the window, his head apparently a million miles away. “A little less than 24 hours.” Dean peered at him suspiciously, and Cas turned to look at him. “I looked it up this morning.”

Dean shook his head. “Well, keep that in mind. Make yourself comfortable.” Cas remained stiff. _Or not._

 

**Hour One**

Cas fidgeted in his seat. His back was starting to hurt and his butt was starting to grow numb from sitting. “You know you can recline the seat if you want,” Dean offered.

Castiel reached on the side of the seat and pulled a lever, sending the back of his chair flying downward. Dean laughed loudly, and Cas felt his face get hot. “That was surprising. I don’t think I know how this works.”

"Here, let me help.” Dean put his hand on the back of Cas’s part of the bench seat. “Alright, pull the handle again and sit up to where you’re comfortable.” When Castiel was finally contented, he released the handle. Dean smiled at him. “There you go.”

Cas felt himself smile back. “Thank you. This is much better.” Dean didn’t look away or move his hand, and Castiel cleared his throat. “You should probably watch the road.”

Dean chuckled, still looking at Cas. “Probably.” Dean ran his fingers through the back of Cas’s hair, but then quickly jerked his hand away, clearing his throat awkwardly and looking straight forward. “Sorry.” Castiel smiled to himself. _Don’t be._

 

**Hour Four**

Cas was completely knocked out in the seat next to Dean, partially curled up in a cute little ball, holding the side of his head up with his hand. Dean pulled into a rest stop and slapped Cas on the arm. “Rise and shine!”

Cas sleepily sat up and squinted out the window. “Are we there already?”

"Not even close. I need to stretch my legs.” Cas rubbed his eyes and slowly got out of the car after Dean. Dean yawned and stretched out his muscles. _This drive sucks every time._ He followed Cas into the bathroom. “How was your sleep, princess?”

Castiel made a mocking face at him as Dean went to the sink to wash his hands. “Very nice, thank you.” Cas looked out the door and scanned the road. “You know…”

Dean knew that tone anywhere, and he bit down on the inside of his cheek. "-That there’s nobody around? Possibly for miles?” Cas smiled in response. Dean grinned and waggled his eyebrows. “Lock the door just in case.”

 

**Hour Nine**

"God, I’m starving,” Dean whined.

Cas rolled his eyes. "You’ve been complaining for two hours, Dean, just pull over and get something to eat,” he replied, annoyed.

"You don’t have to be an ass,” he mumbled under his breath.

Cas heard what he said, but looked at him with as much attitude as he could muster. “What?”

"I _said_ what do you want to eat?”

Cas shook his head. ”You’re the one who’s hungry, just pick whatever you want and I’ll get something.”

"Okay, at the next exit there’s a Taco Bell and McDonald's and something else. Taco Bell sound good?” Cas grimaced in disagreement. “God, Cas! What do you want?”

"I don’t care! Get what you want.”

Dean huffed loudly and rolled his eyes. “But not tacos.” Cas shrugged. “So if I stop at Taco Bell, you’ll get something?” He asked, testing. Cas made a pained face, which incited another groan from Dean. “That’s it! We’re not stopping.”

"Well now I’m hungry,” Cas mumbled as he crossed his arms, knowing exactly what he was doing.

Dean laughed tiredly and shook his head. “Y’know, Cas, you’re a real pain in my ass.”

"Yes, well, you’re a pain in _my_ ass, Dean.”

Dean paused before chuckling quietly. “Literally.” Cas peered at him in confusion. “I’m _literally_ a pain in your ass.” He didn’t get it. “Because of the sex.” Castiel huffed a laugh and crossed his arms indignantly. “You’re so sexy when you’re annoyed with me,” Dean teased with a cheesy grin plastered on his face as he looked over to Cas.

Castiel smiled and rolled his eyes. “Shut up and get me a burger.”

**Hour Fifteen**

”Are you okay to keep driving? We still have almost 8 hours left,” Cas asked, staring at the dark highway with partly closed eyes.

Dean yawned and readjusted in his seat. “Probably not. Can you drive?” Cas had a panicked look on his face and shook his head. “Really?”

”I never learned.”

Dean raised his eyebrows in surprise but shrugged it off. “There’s a motel a couple exits away that we can stay at.” Cas nodded slowly- _probably falling back asleep_ \- and Dean drove faster, feeling himself getting sleepy as well.

Fifteen minutes later, they were pulling up to the parking lot of the motel. Dean didn’t want to wake Cas up just yet, so he went to book a room by himself. The attendant was creepily chipper for someone working this late. “Hi! How are you?”

Dean looked at him suspiciously. “Uh, fantastic. I need to get a room. Two beds.”

"I’m sorry, but all of our double rooms are booked,” the attendant said way too genuinely.

"Shit,” Dean mumbled. He looked out at the Impala at Cas’s sleeping face. He sighed. _We can share a bed. Put some pillows in the middle of us or something…_ “Alright, single is fine.”

After the attendant handed him his key, Dean drove to their door and woke Cas up. ”Wake up. We’re at the motel.” Castiel sat up and stretched, yawning. “Do you need any of your bags?”

"Yes. Toothbrush and a change of clothes would be nice. I don’t want to be gross meeting your family.”

Dean opened the truck and grinned at Cas. “You worried about impressin' my family? That’s adorable.” Castiel scrunched up his nose but otherwise ignored the comment.

Dean unlocked the door and threw his bag inside before flopping down on the bed. Castiel stood frozen in the doorway. “Dean, I don’t mean to alarm you, but there’s only one bed in here.”

"Yeah, the double rooms were booked up.” Dean rolled over to one side of the bed and patted the space next to him. “Come on- unless you plan on sleeping on the floor or just standing up the whole time,” Dean said as he toed off his shoes onto the floor. Castiel furrowed his brow and stiffly removed his jacket and shoes before sitting on the bed. _Alright, it didn’t have to be awkward._ “Wanna watch some tv? You’ve been asleep practically the whole way here.”

"That’s true. I’m not very tired, but you must be exhausted.”

Dean shrugged, putting one hand behind his head and flipping through the channels with his other hand. “Just tired of driving. It’s nice to actually lay down, though.” Cas looked back at him, and Dean looked from the bed to him pointedly. Cas caved and readjusted so that he was laying down next to Dean- with plenty of space between them, of course. “Ooh, _Dr. Sexy_ is on.” Dean put the remote down and unbuttoned his jeans to shimmy them off without getting up.

Castiel gave him a questioning face. He looked at Cas innocently. “Really? _Dr. Sexy_?”

"It's a good episode," he defended. Cas's expression didn't waver, and Dean mocked him silently. “Fine, then I’ll change it.” He paused before quietly adding, “not like we’re going to _really_ watch tv.”

"What?”

"Nothing.” Dean finally found some old movie to watch, not remembering the title. “This okay?” Cas nodded and relaxed his body, resting his head closer to Dean’s.

 _"Do you love her?”_ The man on tv asked the other guy.

_"A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her without going nutty! She's my idea of nothing!”_

_"I asked you a simple question: do you love her?”_

_"Yes! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!”_ Dean heard Cas mumbling the words along with the television, followed by him smiling to himself. Dean watched him fondly. “This is one of my favorite movies,” Cas whispered, barely turning his head away from the tv.

Dean watched him out of the corner of his eye. “I’ve never actually seen it.”

"It’s really good.” Cas relaxed a little closer to Dean, but still not too close. Without turning his gaze from the television, he asked, “Do you want to fool around?”

Dean grinned, and Cas turned his head, expecting an answer. Dean reached for Castiel’s jaw and brought their lips together. He felt Cas try to speed up the kiss, but Dean really was tired. Dean’s thumb lazily grazed Castiel’s cheeks, his chin, and his neck as their lips slid together. Dean made a soft noise as he parted his lips a little more, and Cas tilted his head and placed his hand on Dean's chest.

Cas’s breath was shaky against his lips when they pulled their mouths apart. Dean kept his eyes closed and rested his forehead against Cas’s. “We don’t have to if you’re tired,” Castiel whispered. “Really. It was a long drive.” Dean didn’t bother answering, but instead just laid down, gently tugging Cas on top of him. Cas smiled into the kiss and let himself be pulled over, moving to relax on top of Dean.

Cas let out a contented sigh and rested his hands on Dean's collar as they kissed, his fingers gently stroking the skin of Dean's neck. "Tired," Dean whispered before gently kissing Cas's lips again. "Not too tired, though." Cas hummed briefly, and Dean nodded in wordless communication. Dean brought his hands to Cas's waist and up the back of his shirt, digging his fingertips into Cas's back. Cas let out a soft moan, and Dean slid his hands higher up, hugging Cas tighter to his body.

Dean flipped them so that Cas was on his back, and Dean kissed the underside of his jaw and down his neck. Cas's hands found their way to the back of Dean's head and under the shirt of his back, sighing and moaning as Dean bit gentle kisses into his skin. Dean shifted down, lifted up the hem of Cas's shirt over his chest and pressed his lips to the skin there. His thumbs rubbing small circles on Cas's hips, he held on as his lips found the mark on Cas's sternum that was never given a chance to fade, sucking and biting the skin to make it a little darker. 

Dean bit wet kisses along Cas's stomach as his fingers found the button of his jeans and popped it open. "Wanna," Dean whispered into the dip of Cas's hip bone where it disappeared under the fabric. Cas made a tiny noise as Dean lifted him up and shucked down his pants. Dean sat up enough to pull Cas legs up to slide the material off and discard them, leaving Cas's legs settled on his shoulders. He ran his hands down from Cas's ankles to his knees and then to his thighs, kissing his skin and glancing down to see Cas watching him quietly.

Dean leaned over to fit their lips together, pushing Cas's legs up to his chest in the process and making Cas moan when their underwear-clad groins came together. He left his lips to Cas's long enough to taste his name being formed on Castiel's tongue before he moved back down his body.  Dean slid his hands down to the waistband of Cas's boxer briefs and pulled them down, sliding them off before returning to his place on his stomach, kissing his way over Cas's inner thighs that rested on his shoulders. "Dean," Cas whispered. His sigh bled into a moan when Dean bit down on a sensitive part of skin, and Dean let his eyes slip shut. 

Dean wrapped his arms around from under Cas's thighs and pressed down on Cas's abdomen as he started to work his mouth on the base of Cas's shaft. He breathed hotly against the skin wet from his lips, and Cas moaned as his hands found the back of Dean's head again. Dean pushed his lips over the head of Cas's dick and took him all the way into his mouth slowly. Cas's stomach moved with a deep sigh under his hand, and Dean dipped his head further down, taking in all of Cas and swallowing around him. Cas whined and grabbed onto Dean's hair tightly. Dean just rocked his head down there, breathing in the indescribable smell so distinct to Cas and massaging the tip of Cas's cock with the back of his throat. " _Fuck_ , Dean," Cas groaned before biting his lip to muffle more gasps.

Dean splayed his fingers wide as he began to bob his head in Cas's lap, running his hands up and down Cas's abdomen and up to his pecs. Dean massaged the underside of Cas's cock with his tongue, bobbing and twisting his head and sucking him down. This was Dean's favorite way of sucking Cas off: just using his mouth and slowly taking Cas apart so he can relish in those beautiful noises Cas made, touching all of the skin he could and worshiping Cas's body like that's what his life depended on. Maybe it did, who knows?

Up and down, up and down- Dean took Cas all the way down and back up to where only the head of Cas's dick was between his lips in fluid movements that had Cas's whole body rocking into it. Dean moaned, losing himself in all of this. Cas was panting and making tiny moans, sometimes uttering Dean's name in the way only he could, and the motion of his hips began to falter. Dean rubbed his thumbs over Cas's nipples and tugged them as he pushed his lips all the way down and swallowed around Cas again. " _Oh_ ," Cas mewled, his toes curling against their place on Dean's back and his fingers tightening in Dean's hair. Dean pushed down again, and Cas started coming with a gasp that bled into a groan of Dean's name, pushing Dean's head down unconsciously. Dean let him, of course, swallowing as Cas came down his throat and grunting himself. 

When Cas's body relaxed underneath him, Dean sucked and pulled his lips off of Cas and pressed his lips to Cas's hip, looking up at Cas's blissed out face. Dean smiled to himself and pressed another kiss to that piece of skin before coming up and kissing Cas's collarbone, Cas's legs slipping off his shoulders and down onto the bed. Cas let out a tiny breathless laugh, holding onto the back of Dean's neck. Dean smiled lazily again and caught Cas's eye as he peeked a glance down at Dean before Dean moved to press their lips together. Cas sighed and kissed him back, wrapping his legs around the back of Dean's thighs.

In the back of his head, Dean wished they'd brought condoms with them on the trip, but there was no way he could get away with sneaking around in his parent's house. He'd hardly been able to do it the one time he'd tried back in high school, and there was definitely no way he would be smooth enough to do it with someone actually staying in the next room over. It was fine, though. So what if they had to go a few weeks without touching each other? Dean used the taste of Cas's lips to come back from his train of thought and slide the thought from his mind. 

In one motion, Cas flipped them again so that Dean was on his back, and it was Cas's turn to work his mouth on Dean. Cas, who obviously had way more energy than Dean at the moment, brought his hands to Dean's shirt and pushed it up at the same time he tugged down Dean's boxers. Cas kissed down Dean's chest and stomach, biting into the softness near his happy trail and grinning against his skin as one of his hands wrapped around Dean's dick. " _Cas_ ," Dean breathed, letting his eyes slip shut again and fitting his fingers through Cas's hair.

Cas licked the tip of his cock into a kiss, and Dean moaned, his hips pushing up into the sensation. Cas let out a breath through his nose as his lips pushed down, sucking Dean into the wet heat of his mouth. He worked his head faster than Dean could keep up with- not that Dean was complaining (not that Dean would ever complain). Dean held onto Cas's hair tighter as Cas bobbed his head in Dean's lap, swallowing and only occasionally gagging when he tried to go too deep too fast. It only took a few minutes of Cas's head enthusiastically bouncing in his lap before Dean was moaning and rocking his hips up into Cas's mouth, chasing his orgasm. Cas moaned and moved one of his hands to Dean's wrists, just to hold on, and pressed his thumb into Dean's veins.

" _Yeah, Cas- uhn_ -" Dean choked out quietly as he hit his peak, and let out a long groan as he fell over the edge. "Cas,  _Cas_ ," he breathed, hips jerking up into Cas's tight lips that were there to swallow around him. Cas pulled off once his body went limp, and readjusted Dean's boxers back in place for him.

Dean laid there, satisfied and content, just staring at the ceiling and catching his breath as Cas moved around to pick up his underwear and put them back on. Cas got up from the bed and rummaged through his bag, fishing out his toothbrush and going into the bathroom. Dean listened to the water run, listened to the voices on the television, listened to his own heartbeat until he was sure he'd fallen asleep still in that lifeless lump on the bed. 

When Cas came back from the bathroom, he pulled back the blankets, and Dean realized he hadn't fallen asleep yet. Cas tugged on the blankets with a wordless grunt, silently directing Dean to move, and Dean moved to pull back the blankets that were pinned underneath his body. He yawned and settled back into his place under the covers, and Cas resettled in the place on his edge of the bed. Dean rolled onto his side facing Cas- just used to sleeping that way by now- closing his eyes and cuddling his pillow between his bicep and the side of his head.

"Want me to turn off the TV so you can sleep?" Cas whispered.

Dean hummed and cozied in his place. "No, 's okay." Dean smacked his lips before squeezing his pillow just a little tighter. "G'night," he yawned quietly. Cas whispered a goodnight in return, and settled into silence. Not really silence, though- Dean was still listening. Listening to the hum of television and the faint voices from the movie, listening to the dripping noise coming from the faucet, and listening to Cas's steady breathing- closer than usual, but far enough to make a difference- just listening until it eventually lulled him to sleep.

**  
&&**

The bright light of the morning poured in through the open blinds and woke up Castiel. He slowly started to stretch in place when he realized there was a body behind him (or, well, kind of _around_ him rather than behind him). Dean’s face was in the space between the back of Cas’s head and neck, his whole body pressed up against Castiel, with one arm under Cas’s arm and lightly barred across his chest.

When Castiel tried to wiggle free, Dean’s arm tightened and he nuzzled closer to Cas’s body, all the way down to their feet touching. For a minute, Cas laid still, feeling Dean’s slow breaths against his back. _This is definitely breaking some rules._ He awkwardly cleared his throat and fidgeted at the same time until he felt Dean wake up. “Dean?” he whispered.

All at once, he felt Dean’s body tense up and then untangled himself from Cas, getting up as quickly as possible. He clumsily tried to get to the bathroom but ran into the edge of the doorway. “Sorry,” he grumbled.

"Did you just apologize to the door?” Cas questioned groggily. Dean shut the door without responding. Cas rolled his eyes and proceeded to change into new clothes.

Castiel already knew Dean was a cuddly sleeper- back at school, he had one pillow that was practically ruined because he clung to it so hard every night- so waking up like this didn’t surprise him too much. _But maybe Charlie and Jo had a point. Maybe there is something going on that we don’t realize._ If he was honest with himself, he hadn’t stopped thinking about it since the girls had mentioned it. However, no matter how much thought he put into it, he still didn’t have any answers. _Nothing to worry about._

When five minutes had passed and Dean was still in the bathroom, Cas fidgeted. He turned off the television, and put the remote next to it. Dean still wasn’t out. He straightened out the bed sheets and pillows out of boredom. Dean was _still_ in the bathroom. Dean hadn't complained about his heartburn since the last time they'd all had lunch together with their friends, but he might still be sick.

Cautiously, Castiel knocked on the door. “Dean, are you alright?”

The door opened quickly, and Dean evaded eye contact, walking past him. “I’m good. You ready?”

Castiel watched him closely. He didn’t necessarily seem _angry_ , but he definitely wasn’t in the best mood. “I just have to brush my teeth.” Dean nodded in response. Cas brushed his teeth and came back from the bathroom to realize Dean had already left with their bags. _Shit_. Frantic and suddenly overwhelmed with the sense that something was terribly wrong, Cas scurried out the door only to see Dean waiting patiently on the hood of his car. A wave of relief washed over him, and he relaxed.

"Did you think I left without you?” Dean asked, a small smile on his lips. He got in the car and Castiel followed suit.

"I didn’t know that to think. You’re not exactly readable, Dean.”

Dean peered at him with a serious look. “I wouldn’t leave you, Cas.” Castiel’s chest tightened and he looked out the window, dismissing the conversation. They pulled out of the parking lot and returned to their seemingly never-ending journey.

 

**Hour Twenty-Three**

They drove into a pleasant-looking neighborhood, and Cas was reminded of the home he grew up in. The Novak house was hauntingly friendly on the outside, but given the situation on the inside, Castiel never considered it a nice place. The house they pulled into gave Cas the opposite impression. He looked at the smile on Dean’s face as they parked in the driveway, and he knew immediately that this home was filled with love.

"Are you ready?” Dean asked him with a cheeky grin. Castiel smiled back and nodded. Dean gave Cas’s knee a light tap before getting out of the car and going to the trunk.

"They’re here!” Castiel heard a deep man’s voice call from the doorway of the house. They retrieved their bags and headed to the door, where three very happy people were standing to greet them. Dean went directly for his mom, a beautiful blonde woman, pulling her in for a big hug.

The husky-built older man approached Castiel with a hand extended. “You must be Cas.”

Castiel returned the friendly smile and nodded with a quiet "Yes, sir."

“Pleasure to finally meet you.”

"It’s nice to meet you all, too, sir.”

He laughed jovially. “While I appreciate the manners, you can just call me John.” Cas nodded in thanks.

The youngest guy approached Cas while Dean spoke with his father. “Hey, Castiel.” They shook hands politely. “I’m Sam.”

"I’ve heard a lot about you,” Castiel returned. “Your brother thinks very highly of you, you know.”

"He’s _alright_ ,” Sam chuckled, letting their handshake end. “And I’ve heard a lot about you, too.” Cas’s chest warmed up, and he heard Dean clear his throat behind Sam.

"Cas, this is my mom, Mary. Mom, this is my friend, Cas.”

Mary looked at him with wonderment, tears in her eyes. “It’s so nice to meet you, Castiel. Really.” Castiel went to shake her hand, but she pulled him in for a hug. _Which_ , he admitted, _feels really nice_.

"It’s nice to meet you, too.”

Mary broke away and wiped her eyes. “It’s always so nice when Dean comes home. And the more, the merrier. Come on, let’s get inside and we can talk over dinner. I made hamburgers."

Castiel waited to walk in last, but Dean walked beside him, a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Told you they’d like you.” Cas didn’t respond. He was so overwhelmed by the comfort and friendliness of Dean’s family that words wouldn’t have come out anyways. “I’m glad you came,” Dean whispered quickly.

Cas swallowed thickly and smiled. “Me too.”


	16. December 16-18, 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: previous abuse, previous suicide, implied previous self harm

Castiel had always thought that Dean was way more attentive to him than anyone else. The way Dean looked at him made him feel like no one else was around, and surely, that couldn’t be duplicated. However, Cas was wrong, and he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about that. The way Dean looked at his family was intimate and gentle, paying each one of them special attention whenever they spoke. It really showed how much Dean loved his family. And judging by the way they looked at him, they loved him right back.

Cas’s chest felt a little tighter after that, probably with jealousy. His family would never look at him like that. They'd never look at him with pride or with happiness, never with love. His parents were gone, and his siblings resented him. Castiel was broken, after all. Nobody could love something so broken.

He felt his skin grow hotter, and he quietly chewed on his lip as he stared down at the food on his plate. Cas was caught off guard when someone spoke his name, and he suddenly realized everyone was looking at him. He cleared his throat and sat up in his chair, though he didn’t remember slouching in the first place. “Sorry?”

“I was just asking where you’re from,” Dean’s mother clarified sweetly. She rested her chin in her hand and watched him.

The way she looked at Cas was so similar to the way Dean watched him sometimes, it gave him chills. It definitely wasn't the same, though; nobody could look at Castiel and make him feel the same way Dean could, and Dean didn't give that _look_ to anyone else besides him. However, Mary had a way of looking into Cas's eyes and making him feel like he could tell her anything from the moment they met. It was like a pull, like she could see right through him anyways. He knew he  _shouldn't_ tell her everything, though, so he wouldn't.

“I’m from Pontiac, Illinois,” he replied with a polite smile. Realizing his throat was dry, he drank some water to calm his nerves. “It’s not too interesting, I’m afraid.”

“I’m sure that it’s just charming,” she remarked. Cas looked down shyly. “That’s not far from here. What is it, John? About-"

“About 6 or 7 hours, give or take,” he finished for her.

“Were you planning on going up to see your folks while you were down here?”

Castiel fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat. _They don’t know._ Before Cas could find the words, Dean quietly told him he didn’t have to talk about it. “It’s okay,” he assured him before turning his attention back to Mary. “My parents aren’t actually, um... in the picture, exactly.”

Mary touched her chest, looking genuinely apologetic. “I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have brought it up-"

“It’s alright, really.”

Sam swallowed his food and said, “What about your siblings?” There was a thud under the table, and he could tell Dean kicked Sam in the shins, looking at him pointedly. “Ow! What the hell, Dean?”

Dean turned to him quickly, trying to silently apologize for everything. Unconsciously, Cas put his hand on Dean's lower back for a brief moment, hidden from their place at the table. “I have three older brothers and a younger sister. We just… lost touch with each other over time.” The second part was a lie, but it was close enough to the truth. Nobody asked him about his family again after that, for which he was grateful.

“I was thinking tomorrow, we could put up the tree,” John suggested after a small silence. “I’ll get it out of the attic in the morning.”

“I’d like that, honey. We could hang up the lights tomorrow, too,” Mary added with a yawn. “Excuse me.”

Cas saw the way John watched Mary closely. “Boys, could you clean up the kitchen? I think it’s time for us to go to bed.”

Mary sighed sadly. “I don’t want to go to bed yet. Dean just got here.” Cas’s heart skipped at the look Mary gave her son.

Dean put his hand on hers. “I’ll still be here in the morning, Mom.” She placed a hand on his cheek and gave him a tiny, sad smile. “I promise. You should get some sleep. You should save your energy for when we decorate the tree tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she breathed in defeat. John stood behind her chair and offered an arm that she didn’t take. Mary leaned over and kissed the space between Dean’s eyes. “I love you.” Dean quietly returned the words. She did the same to Sam as John pat Dean on the back without an extra word. On her way out, she turned and looked at them again. “It’s so good to have all of my boys home.” She even caught Cas’s eye, and he felt like maybe she was including him in that. A lump got caught in Castiel's throat, and he gave her a feeble smile before she disappeared around the corner.

Sam headed to the kitchen with the glasses and silverware, and Cas helped Dean clear the table. “Hey, are you okay? You were pretty quiet during dinner.”

“I’m just…” Cas shrugged. “I guess I’m just not used to this.”

Dean was quiet. “Yeah, my mom… She doesn’t have as much energy as she used to.”

Cas made sure Sam was out of sight before he placed a hand on the small of Dean’s back and put his chin on top of his shoulder. “I love your mom.” Dean looked relieved. “I meant I’m not exactly used to this kind of… treatment." Cas put his lips flat against Dean's shoulder and sighed. "But it’s good. I like it.” Cas gave his back one small pat before he walked into the kitchen with half of the plates ahead of Dean; he missed the sad look in Dean’s eyes as he watched him leave.

**& &**

Sunshine woke Dean up the next morning. He stretched in bed and turned on his left side, looking at the blank wall. He’d never felt alone in his childhood bedroom until then. It was hard for him to fall asleep the night before, even though he was tired and happy to be home. He just kept looking at that stupid wall, and he couldn’t figure out why. He pursed his lips and studied it a little bit more before ultimately giving up and getting out of bed.

The smell of coffee and bacon coming from downstairs was all the incentive he needed to leave his room. He got halfway down the stairs before realizing it was too cold to walk around in his boxers and a t shirt, so he went back and grabbed an old pair of pajama pants. Not looking when he exited the room, he ran right into Cas. “Shit, sorry, man.”

“It’s alright.” Castiel was fully dressed with the exception of shoes, but his hair hadn’t been tidied so it was sticking up wildly. Dean laughed to himself. Cas shuffled on his feet. “How did you sleep?”

“Uh, good,” he lied. “How about you?”

Cas bobbed his head awkwardly. “Good. Good.” They were quiet. “The bed is really comfortable.”

Dean chuckled and ran one of his hands over his head. “I’ll make sure to tell the innkeepers you’re enjoying your stay.” Cas smiled weakly towards the floor and pushed up his glasses. “Well, uh, they’re serving breakfast now. It’s complimentary,” he joked as he headed down the stairs with Cas close behind him.

Dean felt weird. He and Cas were never this quiet or awkward around each other. Dean just felt like he had no idea how to act around Cas here. He was used to being around Cas in California; he was used to everyone knowing he's Cas's friend, and he was used to keeping their... stuff saved for when they were alone behind closed doors. Being around his family always had a way of comforting him, but Dean felt kind of on edge having Cas here too; he definitely didn't regret asking Cas to come, but still... He felt like his family could just  _look_ at him, and they'd know. So, Dean had no fucking clue how he was supposed to act around Cas, and apparently Cas could pick up on that.

Dean immediately lost track of thought when he got to the kitchen and saw how much food was cooked. _Home sweet home._ He pat his belly enthusiastically and picked up a plate, loading it up with eggs, grits, bacon and sausage, eating a couple of pieces that couldn’t quite make it to his plate.

“Where do you keep your coffee mugs?” Cas inquired from behind him. Dean put down his plate and reached into the cabinet above Cas, his chest brushing against Cas’s back as he did so. Cas blushed and accepted the mug quietly. Dean smirked at him before grabbing his food and heading toward the dining table. “Where is everyone?”

Dean was shoving food in his mouth and looked around. “I actually have no idea.”

Castiel shrugged and took a spoonful of scrambled eggs and two pieces of bacon before sitting across from Dean at the table with his coffee. He opened his mouth to speak right when the front door opened and closed.

“Whew! It’s getting cold early this year,” Sam’s loud voice sounded from the hallway as he headed to the kitchen. Sam looked at Dean and down at his plate and laughed. “Maybe you should’ve gone with me on that jog, man.”

“Jogging’s the worst, Sam! I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but _God_ , at what cost?” Dean countered defensively.

Sam shrugged with a small smile. “I’m just saying. It wouldn’t hurt to put a little effort into your body.”

“Hey!” Dean said with a mouth full of food. “It takes a lot of work to get a body like this, alright?”

Cas and Sam both laughed skeptically. “If you call eating your weight in eggs work, then yeah, Dean, it takes a lot of work.” Dean scoffed into his orange juice.

“Okay, okay, Dean deserves some credit. I have seen him on more than one occasion do bicep curls,” Cas added to the conversation. Dean smiled at him and pointedly looked at Sam. “Yeah, I mean, I’m sure those Oreo's were plenty heavy, but he curled them up and into his mouth without even breaking a sweat every time.” Dean raised his arms in mock exasperation. "It was a whole sleeve, Dean, you should be proud."

Sam snorted into his bottle of water and coughed through his laughing fit. “That was a good one. You’re gonna fit in well here.” Sam raised his hand for a high-five, and Cas proudly accepted it.

“I’m gonna regret bringing you here, aren’t I?” Cas shrugged with a goofy grin on his face. Dean tried not to stare, but he couldn’t help it. Cas just looked so happy right then, looking at Sam and getting along so well with him. Dean always knew they'd get along when they met, and he was glad to be right.

“Oh, don’t say that. I finally have someone who will relentlessly tease you as much as I do,” Sam said elbowing Castiel. Dean snorted inwardly. _I think Cas has you beat on that one, Sammy._ He looked up at Cas and must've thinking the same thing because he sent Dean a quick wink when Sam wasn’t looking. Dean grinned wider and shook his head, looking away.

“So, what’s on the agenda today, Sam?” Cas questioned, taking a sip of his coffee while pointedly not looking at Dean.

Sam checked his watch. “Well, it’s still pretty early. I know Mom wants us to put up the lights around the house today.” Dean bobbed his head in agreement as he finished his food. “And I figured we could just decorate the tree tonight before dinner. So, I mean, the day’s pretty much wide open.”

Dean hatched an idea. “Why don’t we go down to Bobby’s after we hang the lights? I haven’t seen him since the end of summer.”

“That’s a good idea. You should take Cas.” Sam turned his attention to Castiel. “He’s a little rough around the edges, but I think you’d like him once you got to know him.”

“Oh yeah. He’s pretty much our uncle. He served with Dad in the Army back in the day,” Dean told him.

Cas nodded, swallowing his drink. “I remember you mentioning. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

After the boys sat around and talked a little while longer, Dean and Sam got dressed and hung up the lights outside with Castiel there mostly just for moral support and to occasionally hand them stuff. Their mom always loved Christmas decorations. She was always saying that the Christmas spirit was getting smaller and smaller every year- how sad it was that so few people still decorated their houses anymore. Even if it was just as simple as the twinkling icicles around the trim of the roof, she got excited, and Dean would gladly do anything to see their mom happy.

It was about three in the afternoon when they arrived at Bobby’s house. It doubled as a garage, so the property was littered with junk cars he sold for parts. When he parked in the driveway and looked at Cas, he noticed how jittery his friend was.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you nervous, or something?” He asked.

Cas shook his head. “I forgot to bring his gift. I don’t want him not to get it-"

Dean laughed and slapped Cas’s knee. “Dude, chill out. He’s coming over for dinner on Christmas, so you can give it to him then, alright?” Cas let out a long breath and relaxed. “You really got him a present?”

“I got everyone a present.” Dean gave him an appreciative look meaning to say Cas didn’t have to do that. “I know. I just wanted to do something to show my thanks to your family.” Dean gave him a half smile and didn’t say anything. “We should probably go inside now.”

They walked up to the front door and knocked twice before opening the door and poking his head inside. “Bobby?” No answer. “Bobby, it’s Dean, we’re coming in,” he called again. Dean shrugged at Cas and walked inside. Dean looked around, still not seeing his uncle. He walked towards the kitchen, still to no avail. “Bobby!”

“In here,” the voice called back from the next room. “Ya idjits don’t even knock anymore…” Bobby rolled into the kitchen on his wheelchair with the same grumpy look on his face he always had.

“I did knock. And I shouted. Are you going deaf too, Ironside?” Dean joked around with a grin. Cas gave him a pointed look and hissed his name.

“Just shut the hell up and get over here.” They hugged and Bobby patted his back. “It’s good to see you, boy.” He turned his attention to Cas. “You must be Cas.”

Cas extended his hand and shook Bobby’s with a polite grin. “Yes, sir. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you.” Bobby huffed skeptically. “It’s true.” Cas noticed the library behind him, filled with stuff Dean didn’t really care about- mostly war memorabilia and stuff Bobby’s collected over the years. “May I?” He asked, pointing to the antique war medallions.

Bobby nodded and rolled his chair beside Castiel, pointing out the meaning behind each medal. “This one here is mine- Purple Heart, Vietnam.” Dean stayed behind, instead making himself at home and retrieving a beer from the fridge and settling down on the couch, mostly out of earshot.

“What about this one? World War II, right?” Cas inquired.

“Yep. That was my dad’s. We come from a long line of soldiers. Guess we’re just born into it, follow in the family’s footsteps and all that.” Dean already knew all of that. He remembered doing a project on World War I and asking for Bobby’s help. Dean didn’t appreciate the actual history behind it as much as Castiel apparently did. Dean wasn’t complaining, though, it was nice to see that Castiel could hit it off with everyone in his family. Dean's chest felt a little tighter every time he noticed how well Cas seemed to fit in.

Dean took a long pull from his beer and turned on the television, which drowned out the voices of the men in the other room. He kicked his feet up on the coffee table and relaxed. He really missed working with Bobby and being able to hang out there when his folks were fighting- but that was a long time ago. His parents never fought after Mary was diagnosed with cancer. And if they did, it was quiet enough to where nobody else could hear them, and they never lasted long. Dean knew his dad refused to fight anymore because he was too afraid of losing her. Nothing seemed worth bickering over when every day was an uncertainty.

Dean flipped through the channels for what seemed like forever until he gave up and walked back into the library. Cas was sitting in the office chair, admiring the musket that Bobby was proudly showing off. “You see that engraving? R Singer. He carved that in himself.” Dean leaned against the doorway and watched them.

When Dean was growing up, he had a tight, small group of friends. It was just Dean, Benny, and Garth against the world. That's how it was until Dean went off to college, anyways. Benny was still fishing and working over at the docks, and Garth still worked for Bobby. Bobby didn't have a whole lot of company, and he was usually fine with it because he hated most people anyways, but Garth was almost always hanging around and bothering him like he was Bobby's son (Even though Bobby gave him a hard time, it wasn't like he was kicking Garth out either). He wasn't around today, though, and the house seemed a little emptier. Bobby seemed to be enjoying his present company, though.

“ _Another_ Robert Singer?” Cas asked with a small laugh.

“I’m tellin’ you, there are more Roberts in my family than probably any other.”

“That’s tradition for you, though.”

“Tradition, my ass. It’s a lack of creativity is what it is.” Cas chuckled and shrugged. “Didn’t you say you had a brother in the war?”

Dean felt an urge to tell Cas he didn’t have to answer, but Castiel just nodded. “Kind of. He enlisted right out of high school, but he received a, uh… discharge after a year or so,” he finished quietly, looking at another antique on the table. Bobby nodded, not questioning further.

Dean cleared his throat, and Cas looked up at him and grinned. “I see you two hit it off pretty well. You’ve been in here for almost an hour and a half.”

“You’ve got a good friend here, Dean. You could learn a thing or two from him,” Bobby added with a pointed look. Dean rolled his eyes.

Cas’s cheeks reddened with the praise. “It’s just interesting, is all. I love learning about history and you have a rather deep ancestry.” Bobby mumbled a response as he put up some of the antiques and Cas chuckled at whatever he’d said. “What time is it, Dean?”

Dean checked the clock in the kitchen and replied “It’s ‘bout quarter to five. Mom’s probably already started dinner, come to think of it. We should probably be heading out.”

“Alright. Well, Cas, it was nice to finally meet ya. I’m glad this idjit’s finally got a good influence in his life. God knows he needed it.”

“Always with this. I swear everyone is relentless when I come home,” Dean whined as he threw up his hands in defeat.

“Dean’s a good guy, sir. I think you’d be proud,” Cas remarked, shaking Bobby’s hand one last time. Dean beamed proudly. “Thank you for sharing all of this with me.”

“It’s not often I get company, so it was a nice change for an old guy like me," Bobby told Cas.

Dean groaned. “Get a room, you two.” Dean put his hand on Cas’s shoulder and pushed him towards the door.

“Ah, shut up.” Bobby rolled into the kitchen, dismissing the conversation.

“Love you, too, honey." He heard Bobby scoff and Dean smiled. "See you in a few days!” He called out before shutting the door. He saw Bobby give one wave as he rolled out of sight again. Dean shut the door and they headed back to the Impala. “So you’re really working your charm on my family. If you’re not careful, they might just replace me with you, dude.”

Castiel gave a small chuckle, but didn’t respond. On the way back home, Cas was really quiet, just staring out the window. Out of nowhere, he said “Thank you.” Dean pat Cas on the chest in wordless response.

 

**& &**

 

Castiel loved the way he could faintly hear holiday music playing from the Winchesters’ front porch. The house was filled with laughter and sweet voices. _Not at all like it was at home. The only sounds in our house were yelling, glass breaking, the snap of  leather..._  Castiel took a deep breath and immediately dismissed the thought. Now was not the time for a meltdown.

Before Cas could reach for the front door knob, Dean took his hand and quickly pulled him to the dark corner of their porch. Dean crowded him up against the wall and grinned that devilish smile of his. “What are you doing?” Dean shrugged in response before leaning in and kissing him softly. Castiel melted ( _I mean, totally didn’t melt_ ) into the kiss before pulling his mouth away. “Someone could see us.”

“I know,” Dean mumbled against his lips. “Just two more seconds.” Cas faked a reluctant sigh and kissed him back, relishing in the familiarity and comfort of Dean's bottom lip between his own. Dean tugged at the sweater by Cas’s sides to pull him closer. And okay, _maybe_ it lasted a little longer than two seconds, but Cas pulled away eventually. Dean whined, “Come on, Cas. Just two more seconds.”

Castiel laughed and pushed Dean away. “We have to get inside.” Dean pulled him back in with one hand on his sweater and gave him another small kiss. “ _Dean_. Come on.” Dean shook his head defiantly and pecked his lips again. “It’s cold out.”

“I’ll warm you up,” Dean flirted against his lips with a big grin. Castiel chuckled again and lightly pushed Dean away. “But it’s Christmas,” he whined as he lightly stomped one foot on the ground.

“Not yet, it isn’t." Dean frowned and clung onto the sides of Cas's sweater, giving Cas a pleading look that they both knew would work on him. Cas rolled his eyes, and Dean pressed their lips together again. Only for a moment, though, because Cas knew they had to be careful. "How about when everyone isn’t awake, okay? At least make it a little difficult to be caught.” Dean pouted like a child denied of sweets before dinner. “Seriously, anyone could just look out the window or come outside and see us. Then what will they think?”

Dean finally caved and put up his hands. “Fine, fine, fine. Tonight, though. Me and you.” Dean nodded suggestively. Cas gave him a small conceding smile, fixed his shirt and followed Dean inside. “We’re home!”

“’Bout time. We’re decorating the tree,” Sam called from the living room.

The Winchesters were Christmas people. Cas had only been in their house for one day and he could tell. The fireplace was lit and their tree- albeit fake- was rather large; on the ottoman next to them was a big box labeled ‘ornaments’. It was a pretty picture, really: the dad tending the fire, the mom and son placing decorations on the tree, and everyone laughing and having a good time. Cas couldn’t tell if he felt more happy to be here or sick with jealousy.

“Castiel, come look at this.” Cas snapped out of his mood and joined Mary to look at a strange ornament made from popsicle sticks. “Dean made this when he was in school.”

Cas made a cute face at Dean. “That’s adorable. Did he make this in elementary school?”

“He was 16 when he made that,” Sam butted in. Dean elbowed him in the side. “What? It’s true!”

Castiel laughed out loud. “Wow, Dean, you’re so talented. Have you considered becoming an artist?”

Dean exchanged a mocking face with Cas and hung up a trail of silver tinsel. “Yeah, you all think you’re _so_ funny.”

“We’re only teasing, sweetie,” she directed at him. She hung it on the tree and admired it. “It’s one of my favorites.” Dean stuck out his tongue at Sam. Cas looked into the box of adornments and picked out one shaped like Darth Vader’s helmet.

“I’m guessing this one is also Dean’s,” he ventured with a laughed.

Dean snatched the ornament from him. “That’s my favorite one.”

“Dork,” Sam jibed in a mumble.

“You’re the fuckin’ dork.”

John cleared his throat. “Mouth, Dean,” he warned. Dean shrugged innocently.

Castiel was having a better time with the Winchesters than he ever had at home. He tried not to think about his own family while he was enjoying the time with Dean’s, but it was hard. He was used to being alone over the holidays, or miserable at least. There were just so many negative images in his mind, it became difficult to focus on the bright side. The rest of the night, Castiel was quiet. He joined in the conversation when it was appropriate, but other than that, he remained trapped in his memories.

A few hours later, he was in the guest bed, staring at the blanket covering him and idly picking at a rogue strand of string coming from the seams. This was a more familiar situation for him. He was used to lying alone in his bedroom with his door locked, trying to distract himself with anything around him. Michael would go so far as to take away his books to punish him for whatever stupid thing he’d done that day, so Cas would be left alone in an empty room.

Castiel tried to search his memory for the good times. Maybe there was a day when Michael wasn’t angry with him. Cas rolled his eyes at the thought. _There hasn’t been a day where he wasn’t angry for as long as I can remember._ Maybe there was a day when their mom was something other than depressed. Castiel couldn’t remember if there was ever such a day. He sighed. Maybe before his dad left… But that was too long ago for him to remember. The days he did remember his dad being around weren’t exactly pleasant.

Castiel rolled over onto his side and stared at the wall. He felt empty. He didn’t want to envy Dean as much as he did. He was having fun, wasn't he? Of course. And Dean was nice enough to invite him into his family’s house for the holidays; Cas needed to be appreciative. He was appreciative, of course. It’s just hard to show when you’re selfish and concerned with your own problems.

 _Selfish._ Michael used that word against him a lot. Everyone did. _I_ am _selfish. I should’ve been there. I’m such an idiot. I should’ve been there. I’m a selfish piece of shit._ Castiel didn’t notice when it was that the tears started prickling at the corners of his eyes, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to stop.

In the back of his mind, he heard the door opening and closing, and someone saying his name. All he could hear was Michael’s voice, and he remembered Michael coming in his room. He flinched again. __“You can’t go one day without fucking up.”_ _ Crack. __“One-“_ _ Crack. __“-Fucking-“_ _ Crack. __“-Day.”_ _ Crack. He could still feel the weight of the welts on his skin, the memory alone hurting just as much as that belt.

 _“This is all your fault, Castiel! How could you be so fucking stupid?”_ Cas bit down on his quivering lip and covered his ears, even though it wasn’t going to help. _“She’s dead! Are you happy now? Dead!”_ Castiel could feel the sting of the slap on his face as if it just happened, and he flinched. Cas put a hand over his mouth and started rocking back and forth, trying to ignore the sharp ghost pain shooting through his wrists. He couldn’t stop crying; he couldn’t breathe. He wished Gabriel was there. Castiel wished he wasn’t alone because he knew how bad things could get in a matter of moments when he was alone during a meltdown.

 _Stupid! Stupid!_ “Cas…” _Please stop!_ “Cas!” _Please!_ He felt a hand on his shoulder and he quickly cowered away from it. “Cas!” The voice was Dean’s. Castiel opened his eyes and looked over at him. “Cas, what’s wrong?”

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. All he could do was shake his head and sob. _Everything. Everything is wrong. I’m wrong._ "Hey, hey, hey, c'mere," Dean whispered as he immediately took Cas into his arms and sat on the bed with him. Castiel put his face into Dean’s chest and let the tears come. Dean rocked him gently, smoothing down the back of his hair and shushing him. “You’re okay, Cas. You’re okay.”

Cas shook his head, still keeping his hands over his face. “No. No. B-broken,” he choked out between sobs.

Dean shushed him again, holding him tighter to his chest. “I’ve got you, Cas. I’ll fix it.” Dean scratched his nails lightly at the nape of Cas's neck and pressed his chin to the top of Cas's head.

“You can’t,” he whispered. “It’s too late.” _It’s too late._

“Why is it too late? Let me fix it, Cas. Please.”

“You can’t fix me; it’s too late.” Cas sniffed, still not able to get enough air and feeling like he was suffocating. “I should’ve been there.”

“Where?” He didn’t answer. Dean stopped rocking him and put a hand under Cas’s chin, lifting his face to meet his. “Where?” Castiel couldn’t bring himself to talk; he couldn’t look Dean in the eyes. _If you tell him, he’ll leave. Everyone always leaves._ “Cas, please look at me.” Castiel licked the blood and tears from his lips and finally looked up. Dean had a look in his eyes of panic and sympathetic pain. _Look what you’re doing to him. You’re hurting him._ “You’ve got to let me in, Cas.”

“You’ll leave,” he whispered. Dean shook his head. “You will. When you know how selfish a-and worthless and… and how empty I am… you’ll leave. Everyone does.”

Dean still didn’t accept this. “No, no. No.” Dean kissed Castiel’s forehead. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that,” he whispered against his hairline. “I’m here, Cas. I’m here and I’m not leaving.” He pulled back and searched Castiel’s eyes again. “I’m not leaving. I’m going to help you; you just have to let me in.” Silence. “You have to trust me.”

After a few moments, Castiel gave in and nodded slowly. He went to wipe his face, but it was covered with tears and snot. _Disgusting._ Dean knowingly pulled off his shirt and wiped Castiel’s face with it before handing it to Cas. “Thank you,” Cas whispered. Dean pulled him back to his bare chest, cradling Cas’s head and body with his arms. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said softly.

“I have a lot of things to be sorry for,” Cas corrected. He sniffed again and wiped his nose on Dean’s shirt. It was ruined, but it still smelled like him. Dean didn’t say anything, just waited for Castiel to speak again. “My mom…” He choked and swallowed thickly. “My mom killed herself and I wasn’t-wasn’t there.”

Dean inhaled a sharp breath and pressed his lips to Castiel’s forehead. “That’s not your fault, Cas.” Dean held him closer.

“Yes it is.” Another tear fell from his eye and he quickly wiped it away before curling his arms back around himself. “I knew she was depressed. We all knew. We were supposed to- supposed to keep an eye on her when the others weren’t around.” Dean remained quiet, but rubbed Cas’s back soothingly. “I was tired of being left at home to keep her from dying. Why did I have to be the one to watch her die?” He bit down on his lip again.

“It’s not your fault. I promise. They should never have put that burden on you,” Dean consoled him.

“I was the one who left. I went out even though I knew what might happen. I wanted to see my friends. I wanted to get away from her- from all of them. I wasn’t at home because I’m selfish.” He felt Dean shake his head and reach a thumb up to wipe at Castiel's cheek for him. “I’m a bad person, Dean,” he whispered.

“No, you’re not. You’re such a good person.”

 _I don’t deserve you._ Cas closed his eyes. They were silent for a while until Cas decided it was time Dean knew everything. “It started..." Cas swallowed around the words. "Um, with my dad. He... He was an alcoholic.”

He could feel Dean’s muscles tighten. “Did he hurt you?” Cas hesitated before nodding slowly. “Son of a bitch.”

“Not just me. All of us. He… He finally left when I was nine. I honestly don’t remember much else about him. Just his voice.” Cas took another deep breath. He’d never said any of this out loud before; he’d never shared his childhood with anyone. Everything had been bottled up for so long, it almost hurt to say it out loud. “After he left, my mom was ruined. She would stay in her room for days on end. She wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t drink. I don’t think she said more than a handful of words to me after that. She was practically dead already.”

Dean whispered apologies into Cas’s hair over and over again. Cas continued. “Michael kind of took Dad’s place after that since he was the oldest. When he turned 16 a couple of months later, I guess he expected Dad to come home or try to call him or something, but he didn’t. He was especially cruel after that. Michael and Luke dealt with him longer than the rest of us, both of them really hardened over time. And with my mom’s depression, it’s easy to see how they both turned into the people they are now…”

Castiel sighed and took a moment to gather his thoughts. “We were, um... extremely poor for a while. We almost lost the house, from what Gabriel told me. My mom stopped going to work completely. She stopped functioning. Michael had to find a job and support us while staying in school. That definitely didn't help his anger, or how he managed it...” Cas swallowed thickly and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

“Gabriel was only 11, but he took care of us- Anna and I- as much as he could. We were too young to do much of anything to help. He made sure we were fed regularly, at least. That’s the way it was for a while. Luke stopped coming home so much. He would disappear for days on end, sometimes weeks. He got into a lot of fights from what Gabriel told me. Got expelled. He and Michael fought constantly over it. They fought over everything.”

Castiel readjusted and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, letting Dean cling to him tighter. “That’s just how it was for a long time after that. Luke stepped up and got a job as well, but still the only income we had coming in was that of two teenagers. It wasn’t enough. A year or two later, we realized that Luke was also selling drugs… Selling what he didn’t take, anyways.”

“Fuck…” Dean mumbled, carding his fingers through Castiel’s hair.

“My mom was in and out of the psychiatric hospital for a few years. She was put on suicide watch and kept at the hospital for a long time, but Michael was technically old enough by then so we weren’t given up to social services. Michael and Luke had both graduated by then; Michael stayed at home, and Luke enlisted the day after he turned 18. I was 13 when she came back home for good... I still don’t know why the hospital let her out. ‘She’d made progress,’ they said. But it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t healthy. Gabriel and I had to stay home to watch her when we weren’t in school so that Michael could work; Michael stayed home with her during the day. That’s how it was, but I just… I was so young…” Cas sniffled and tried to keep back tears.

“I know,” Dean consoled quietly. “I know.”

“I didn’t want to be there, Dean. I just wanted to leave, but I couldn’t bring myself to go anywhere. Where could I go? That’s all I had."

"I'm so sorry," Dean whispered into Cas's forehead.

Cas stayed silent for few minutes, trying to compose himself and gather his thoughts. "Earlier that day… I... Michael slapped me so hard that day when I came home from school.” He winced, and Dean shushed him. He could hear it start to rain outside, and he closed his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t even remember what it was for that day. It happened so much, I just tried to block it out."

Cas sighed deeply, swallowed down the regret of his next words. "I was defiant. After he went to work, I decided to leave. I don't even remember where I went, it was that unimportant. I..." Dean shushed him again and hugged him tighter to his chest, and Cas didn't let himself appreciate the warmth and comfort. He didn't deserve it. "I tried to come back before he got off work, but when I got back home, she...” He tried to clear the lump from his throat, but when he cleared his throat, tears slipped out of the corner of his eyes. “There were ambulances and cop cars in our yard. I knew- I... I knew what had happened as soon as I saw them. I knew she’d killed herself, and it was my fault.”

The rain started pouring down heavily outside. “I’m so sorry, Cas. It wasn’t your fault, you have to stop blaming yourself.”

“If I was there, she wouldn’t have bled to death in our bathtub. I would’ve been able to stop her. I could’ve-“ Dean tilted Cas's chin up towards him and kissed him gingerly, and Cas could taste the salty tears on his lips. Cas didn’t kiss him back, he didn’t deserve to. Castiel licked his lips and set them together tightly. Dean stroked Castiel's head, and Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. He took a few more moments to compose himself. “After everyone was gone- the medics, the cops- Michael… He beat me within an inch of my life. He usually used a belt, or an open handed slap, but he…" His voice trailed off. "I’ve never been hurt so badly. Not even Dad hit that hard on his worst nights.”

Dean’s grip on him tightened protectively, like maybe if he held on tight enough, that would change the past. “I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch. You didn’t deserve that, Cas.”

“I remember the screaming," Cas whispered almost inaudibly. "Michael was on top of me, and Gabriel was trying to pull him off, but all that did was make him angrier. He hit Gabriel, pushed him so hard, he fell and broke his arm. Anna was screaming and crying from the bathroom that Michael had locked her in." That day was the worst memory Cas had, and it made his whole body ache thinking about it.

"I couldn’t go to school or work for weeks because of the damage he did to my face. Gabriel dropped out of school and moved out a month later. I couldn’t blame him for that. Not really, anyways. He couldn’t take it anymore." _Neither could I._  "Anna stopped coming home, too. She stayed at a friend’s house most of the time, only coming home when she needed to get more clothes, and it was always when no one else was home. She finally packed up and left the city when she was 16, and nobody’s heard from her since. I was alone with Michael after that.”

“What did he do to you?” Dean asked straight-forwardly.

Castiel shook his head. “He tried not to look at me for a long time after that. I tried not to look at myself either if I could help it.” He wiped a hand over either of his cheeks. “I finally got out when I graduated and left for college. I went there for Thanksgiving last year, but that was a pretty horrible idea." Cas decided last winter break was a story he could skip- one that he never needed to ever bring up to anybody. "I haven’t talked to any of them since then- except this Thanksgiving when Gabriel came by, but… you know how that panned out.”

“Yeah,” he sighed in return. Neither of them spoke for a while. Castiel was afraid he’d ruined everything by letting Dean into his life like that, but it was too late to take it back. He listened to the rain and Dean’s even breathing. He opened his eyes to try to read Dean’s expression, but it was too dark. All he could see was Dean’s profile staring straight at the wall in front of him. Cas silently pleaded for Dean not to hate him. “Cas…” Dean shook his head and looked down at him. “You need to know that none of that was your fault. It’s not your fault that your dad was an alcoholic. It’s not your fault that he left. It’s not your fault your mom killed herself. And it’s not your fault that your brother is a miserable, low-life piece of shit that turns everyone against him.”

“But-“

“Stop. I’m not going to let you blame yourself for all of the horrible things people have done to you.” Dean took Cas’s face into his hands and brushed his hair back. “You’re the  _least_ selfish person I know- and you're the best friend I’ve ever had. You're the best... Just..." Dean swallowed around something and brushed his thumbs over Cas's cheeks. "And I wish I could take your pain away. It hurts _me_ to see you in pain like this." Dean held his face firmly and tried to find the words hidden somewhere in Cas's eyes. "I hate them for what they did to you. I hate them for making such a good person feel so empty and worthless. Because you’re not. You’re so far from any of that.”

Cas bit back the sob he was holding in; he didn’t deserve these words. Dean reached down for his hands and felt something on Castiel’s wrist, bringing it up closer to his face to see. Cas looked away from Dean’s face, but Dean was just staring at the healed over scars that were on his wrist. Cas didn't have a lot of them, but the ones he had were pretty bad. He kicked away that stupid voice in his head that reminded him nothing was worth doing half-assed.

“Why didn’t I notice these before?” Dean asked quietly, pulling him out of that blackhole of a memory. Cas didn’t answer; it was a rhetorical question. They both knew Cas always wore long-sleeved shirts, sweaters, and hoodies; when they were naked, time wasn't really taken to stare at wrists. Two tears rolled down his cheeks and Cas wiped them away with his free hand. “When?”

“I haven’t done it since around this time last year,” Castiel admitted in a hushed tone.

“Please,” Dean choked out, still staring at the scars. “I need you to promise me that you’re not going to do this ever again.” Cas opened his mouth to respond, but Dean cut him off and met his eyes pleadingly. “Promise me. This won’t happen again.”

Castiel wanted to agree so badly. He wanted to be strong enough. He wanted to be enough, but he just wasn’t. Dean watched him closely as he brought one hand to stroke Cas’s cheek. His other hand stroked the long scar on Cas’s wrist, and the muscles in Castiel's arm ached. “I… I can’t,” was his quiet, broken reply.

Dean shook his head, not accepting his answer. “You have to. You have to, Cas. You’re worth it.” Cas bit back a sob and let his head fall down. Dean brought Cas’s wrist up to his mouth and placed a gentle kiss to each of his scars. Castiel bit down on his lip and closed his eyes. He could feel the wet tears on Dean’s mouth against the scars, and he could've sworn he could feel them seep through his skin and into his bloodstream. “You’re worth it, Cas.” Dean gingerly picked up Cas's other wrist and repeated the same act of kissing each of his scars.

“I’m… I’m not strong enough.”

Dean put a hand on the back of Cas’s head and searched his eyes. “Yes. You. Are.” _I’ve never been strong in my life._ “You have to be strong. You have to be strong for _you._ You deserve it." _No, I don't._  "You have to fight for yourself, Cas. You’ve got to fight and never, _ever_ stop fighting. Promise me.”

Cas's eyes cast downward again, and Dean pulled him into a tight hug. Dean’s strong arms were comforting, and he felt like maybe there was a reason why he felt more at home right there- wrapped in Dean's arms and pressed against his chest- than he ever felt anywhere else. Cas finally let himself fall into the embrace. “Promise me you’re never gonna stop trying, Cas. I can’t lose you,” Dean whispered into Cas’s neck.

Cas could feel another wave of emotions rising up, and he returned Dean’s hug with all of his energy, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt Dean’s hold on him tighten. “You deserve to live, Cas.” _I deserve to live?_ “Say it.”

Cas didn’t respond immediately and Dean pulled back, releasing their embrace. He looked at Cas expectantly, and Cas could see the pain in his eyes. “I deserve…” He choked on the words. He swallowed thickly and cleared his throat. “I deserve to live.” Hearing himself say the words was overwhelming. _I deserve to live._

“Promise me you’re never going to give up. _Please_. Never give up on yourself.” Castiel agreed hurriedly. Dean nodded back and hastily kissed his lips. This time, Cas kissed him back. Dean pressed Cas’s wrist against his own chest, and Cas could feel his rapid heartbeat against his own pulse. Castiel took his free hand and brought Dean’s face closer. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed through kisses. “Nobody will ever hurt you again. I promise.” Dean's lips breathed the words into Cas's lungs, kissed them into permanence on his lips.

Cas kept nodding and pulling closer to Dean. “You won’t leave?” Cas couldn’t breathe. All he could do was kiss and grasp for Dean desperately, his whole body reaching out to him.

“Never.”

 

**& &**

 

Dean didn’t remember falling asleep that night. He and Cas were talking until practically 4 or 5 in the morning. He had promised Cas that he wouldn’t leave, and he’d kept that promise, keeping his arms wrapped around Cas like a security blanket even after sleep fell over them. Cas had fallen asleep first, with his head resting against Dean’s chest and his arms wrapped around Dean's waist. Dean had watched him as he slept, making sure Cas was safe even in his dreams, before he let himself fall asleep.

Dean dreamed of beating the crap out of Cas’s brother. He dreamed of beating Cas's brother and his dad harder than they’d ever beaten anyone else. Dean didn't even know what they looked like, but he wanted them to pay for hurting Cas. He just didn't understand how they could do that, how someone could just look at Cas and not care. He was so young, and they hurt him. They left scars on him that would never fade, and that thought made Dean want to be sick, or cry, or both.  _What the hell is so deeply wrong with someone that they have to hurt someone like Cas?_

What made it worse was the fact that nobody had even stopped long enough to help Cas- nobody had reached out to him or made him feel anything other than alone in his misery- before up and leaving his life. They left him because it was easier, but... Cas deserved someone who would care. He deserved someone who could care enough to make _him_ care. He deserved someone who would stay.

Dean's heart ached so much thinking about all the pain and suffering Cas has gone through. He wanted to save Cas- he  _needed_ to save Cas. And Cas needed for Dean to save him, too, even if he didn't know it yet; he needed for someone to show him that he needs to save _himself_. So, Dean promised to stay. Of course he did- there wasn't a doubt in his mind. Cas needed someone, and every single fiber of Dean's being wanted it to be him- he _needed_ to be that someone for Cas, like Cas's life was an extension of his own that he personally needed to protect. It didn't matter what it took, what it involved, Dean was going to stay. However Cas needed him, Dean was going to be there. 

The sound of doors opening and closing woke him up that morning. He opened his eyes just as Sam cracked the door open and poked his head in. That immediate surge of emotions he felt as soon as their eyes connected hit Dean harder than almost anything he'd ever felt. In the pit of his gut was shame: shame that he was caught in something he was obviously hiding from his family, shame that he was caught in something even bigger that he was hiding from the whole world- even from himself. He was ashamed because for half of a second, he admitted his deep, dark secret to himself long enough to worry about the fact that someone else knew it, too.

Fear was the main thing he felt; he was afraid of what his brother was thinking, of what his brother would do, afraid that somehow, some way this could ruin every single thing in his life and bring him crumbling to the ground. Dean was panicking and terrified down to his core. Neither of them moved or said anything for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity of just Dean looking at Sam, Sam looking between Dean and Cas.

Dean silently pleaded with his brother to go away, to not judge him, to not tell their parents, anything. He just needed Sam to _leave._  Sam nodded knowingly, and he left, closing the door quietly behind him. Dean let out the deep breath he was holding and looked down at Cas who remain undisturbed. He felt relief for half a second that at least he was still okay. Dean closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall. _Fuck._


	17. December 24-25, 2013

It’d been almost a week since Sam saw Dean in bed with Cas, and it was only brought up once. Dean had gone downstairs a few hours after the incident, and Sam asked him if he wanted to talk about it, to which Dean simply answered “no.” So, they didn’t talk about it. Even so, Dean felt immensely insecure around Sam. Every time Cas stood next to him when Sam was around, he felt like his skin was on fire, like every single movement was being studied under a microscope.  _It’s not like he caught us fucking. It’s fine. He probably forgot all about it._ Dean was a fan of lying to himself in cases like these. It was easier than the truth.

He hadn’t told Castiel about it, either. The last thing he needed was to give Cas something else to feel bad about; he didn't also need to share the pressure of having to sneak around. Instead, Dean kept it to himself. Every night, after everyone else went to sleep, he would sneak into the guest bedroom and sleep next to Cas (usually after quietly fooling around a little). He set an alarm on his watch to wake him around 5 am to make sure he had time to sneak into his own bed before anyone had a chance to wake up.

It was a decent enough routine, but sneaking around so close to his family was nerve-wracking. His and Cas’s fuck buddy situation had been a secret for so long, sneaking around should feel like second nature to him by now. _Right?_ And yet it felt harder to do with every day. It made Dean want to punch himself in the face. _What’s wrong with me? Cas is my_ friend _. My straight, platonic… or somewhat platonic friend._ Dean reminded himself of that same thing every day.

However, today was Christmas Eve. He refused to get caught up in the drama his mind was projecting. After he heard Sam get up for his morning jog ( _and what kind of loser runs on Christmas anyways?_ ) he scurried back into the guest bedroom and jumped on the bed. Cas grumbled unintelligibly, throwing his arm over his face, but Dean bounced on the bed again. “Wake up! It’s Christmas Eve!” Cas swatted at him passively, and Dean stood up on the bed and kept jumping. “Wake up, wake up, _wake up_!”

Castiel opened his eyes just enough to glare at Dean. “It’s too early.”

Dean shook his head like a toddler, lips spread wide in a grin. “No it’s not.” Cas rolled over onto his stomach and burrowed into the pillow. Dean fell to his knees and nudged Cas repeatedly, making pouting noises with each nudge. " _Come on_ , Grumpy." Cas still refused to move, so Dean got on all fours on top of him and bounced him up and down. “You’ve-got-to-wake-up!”

Castiel laughed and rolled over to look at him. “You’re not going to give up, are you?” Dean shook his head. “Hmmm. Well, then, neither will I.” Dean gaped at him, and Cas glared at him before pulling the blankets up above his head. “I’ll see you in Hell!”

Dean guffawed and tickled Castiel’s sides causing him to squeal and squirm around. “Surrender!”

“Never!” Cas shouted with a giggle from under the blankets.

Dean stood up from the bed. “Fine, then. Have it your way.” He gave Castiel a moment before he snatched up the comforter and threw it off the bed, despite Cas’s best attempts to hold onto it. “Still not giving up?”

“You’ll never take me alive,” he hissed with a challenging glare. Dean shrugged and reached for his ankles, eliciting a loud noise from Cas. “No! Unhand me!” Dean proceeded to pull him off the bed by his feet and onto the ground, landing on his back with a thud. Castiel managed to grab a pillow and hit Dean in the legs with it. Dean looked at him threateningly. “Don’t you even think about it.”

Dean grinned and reached down to hoist Cas up over his shoulder- the latter man pretending to put up a fight, swatting Dean with a pillow mercilessly. “What are you gonna do now? Huh?” Dean turned around to face the door and was met with his mom standing in the doorway, arms crossed but an amused look in her eyes. “Uh, hey, Mom,” he said with a small chuckle.

“Good morning, boys." Castiel perked up and looked behind him as much as he could. He gave her a single wave and a nervous chuckle. "Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.” She turned away and took a few steps before adding, “Oh and, Cas honey? It might be a little easier to eat if you're not tossed over Dean's shoulder at the table.” Dean felt Cas slump over him in embarrassment and laughed again.

**& &**

Castiel was happy for the first time in way too long. He didn’t feel like exploding with his bottled up his emotions anymore. He wasn’t miserable and lonely. For the first time in a long, _long_ time, he felt like he had a family. The Winchesters had more than accepted him as one of their own, even going so far as to ask what he wanted for his birthday, and if he’s coming back to stay over spring break. Even John, who was the most gruff and silent of the bunch, smiled at him and clapped him on the back after he told a funny joke. Cas’s insides felt all warm and fuzzy, as stupid as it sounds.

Apparently Christmas Eve in the Winchester household consisted of being lazy, playing board games, and watching movies. They were almost done with a fervent game of Monopoly, and it was down to just Castiel and Sam.

“You should just concede now,” Cas remarked casually. Sam barely had any money left, and Cas was sitting pretty.

“It’s not over till it’s over,” Sam rebutted. Obviously stubbornness is hereditary in this family. Castiel feigned innocence. Sam rolled the dice and moved 4 spaces over… right onto Atlantic Avenue- a Castiel Novak property. Sam groaned loudly. “Seriously?!”

Castiel shrugged angelically. “I’m sorry. I didn’t make the game.” Sam grumbled and handed over the last of his money. Cas tilted his head in admiration and added the money to his pile for a show. “Well, that’s game. You were a worthy opponent, Sam Winchester.” Sam shook Cas’s hand lightheartedly.

Dean sat up and clapped. “Thank God that’s over.”

“You’re just mad because you were the first person to go bankrupt,” Sam jibed as he started to put the game away.

“Sam has a point, Dean.” Cas grabbed Dean’s face with one hand, smushing his cheeks. “Being a poor sport does not become of you.”

Dean swatted his hand away with a playfully bitter expression. “Yeah, well, being a sore winner doesn’t flatter you either, sweetheart," he mocked. Castiel couldn’t help but notice the look Sam had on his face as he watched Dean.It wasn't necessarily negative by any means, but it was definitely... curious.

After they cleaned up the mess on the kitchen table, the boys joined Mary and John who were snuggled up on a sofa in the living room. “Get a room,” Dean joked towards his parents. Cas sat next to Dean on the longer couch, and Sam across from them in the recliner.

“We _did_ have a room until you came in here,” John retorted. “I’m gonna flirt with your mom all I want.” He kissed her on the cheek and she fanned herself jokingly.

Dean and Sam let out matching gripes and gave up. Cas smiled at them fondly. “I think it’s nice.”

“ _Thank you,_ Castiel. See, Dean, if you’re not careful, we might just turn your room into Cas’s bedroom, and you’ll have to stay in the guest room,” John said. Mary smacked his face playfully.

“Kiss ass,” Dean mumbled to Cas through the side of his mouth while elbowing him in the side. Castiel elbowed him back.

Dean relaxed with his arms across the back of the couch, and Cas got comfortable, bringing his legs up under him and sliding closer to Dean. Once again, he observed the curiously amused expression on Sam’s face as he looked back and forth between Cas and Dean, and his parents. At that moment, Castiel desperately wished he could read minds because Sam’s face was as far from readable as possible. Sam caught his eye for a split second in which he gave Cas the most secret of smiles before turning away to face the television. Cas furrowed his brow, slightly taken aback. He shook it off and subconsciously moved slightly farther away from Dean.

They had decided to watch “Elf” ( _Dean_ decided they were watching Elf, rather) and they all got comfortable in their seats, John and Mary sharing popcorn, Sam eating his while splayed out on the recliner, leaving Dean and Cas to share.

 _“Santa! Oh my God! Santa’s Coming! I know him!”_ Buddy cried from the television.

Dean laughed out loud with a mouthful of popcorn. “Never gets old,” he said to himself. Cas chuckled, shivering slightly. Mary liked to keep her house colder than Castiel was used to. “Hey, I’m kinda cold, too- Sammy, can you toss me that blanket behind you?” Sam shuffled and retrieved the blanket, tossing it to the other couch. Dean ate a handful of popcorn as he spread out the blanket across both of their laps. “It’s not big enough, you’re gonna have to scoot in closer,” he absently mentioned to Cas. He blushed a little under the collar of his shirt as he moved closer, his body all-but pressing against Dean’s by the time he was close enough. They resettled and got comfortable again under the cover. “Much better.”

Dean wiggled in his spot and returned his attention back to the screen. Cas got distracted by looking at the light of the television reflecting off of Dean's face, and he made a soft sigh, his mind somewhere far away from that couch. Dean huffed a laugh at whatever someone said on the movie, and Cas found himself smiling despite not even being aware of what happened. With the hand not behind Cas on the couch, Dean reached to the bowl in Cas's lap and took a few pieces of popcorn and popped them into his mouth. Both of Cas's hands subconsciously gripped the bowl of popcorn a little tighter in his lap. A crumb stuck to Dean's bottom lip, and Cas transfixed on that for a moment.

Dean used his tongue to push behind his lower lip, sucking his teeth lightly and spreading his legs more comfortably next to Cas's until his leg nearest Cas brushed Castiel's knees. Dean glanced over to Cas and caught his eye, and the corner of Cas's lips twitched with what was probably a smile. "Do I have something on my face?" Dean inquired, trying to read Cas's expression. Castiel nodded silently, and Dean used a hand to wipe the lower half of his face. "I get it?" Cas nodded again, hugging the bowl in his lap closer to his stomach. Dean winked in thanks and used the hand on the back of the couch behind Cas to rub Cas's shoulder briefly as he returned his attention to the movie. The hand dropped back to its previous place, and something inside him yearned for the weight to return.

Cas's eyes remained on Dean's face long enough for him to let out a tiny sigh. Finally, Cas looked away, and his eyes landed on John and Mary, still cuddled together under an afghan on the loveseat. Mary was curled into John's side with her knees facing him, and he had his arm around her shoulder, rubbing the top of her arm and shoulder comfortably. She relaxed with her head resting on John's shoulder. Cas glanced back at Dean for a second before turning his head back to watch the movie. Somewhere in the back of Castiel's mind, he noted the stiffness in his neck.

**& &**

“Alright, guys, you know the drill,” Dad said tiredly after the movie ended. Dean and Sam reluctantly got up from their spots and started cleaning up.

“Um… what exactly is the drill again?” Cas queried, confused.

“On Christmas Eve, the boys have to go to their rooms earlier than usual so that Santa can come and drop off presents without them peeking,” Mom told Castiel with a smile.

“We’re not kids, Mom. It’s just a tradition of ours,” Sam corrected, directing the last part to Cas.

“I like traditions, so that’s fine with me.” They chatted a little more as they cleaned, but each of the guys went in their separate bedrooms without a fuss.

Dean took off his pajama pants, collapsed onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. There was no way he was going to sleep right now. He pulled out his phone and checked the time. _I can’t believe it’s only 10_. Dean sighed out of major boredom. Coincidentally, his phone went off before he could put it away.

 _New Message: Sammy: “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”_ Dean rolled his eyes and rubbed a heavy hand over his face. _This kid’s going to kill me._

He typed out a response and promptly sent it. _“Nothing to discuss.”_ His phone didn’t go off for a few minutes, so he figured Sam was probably throwing a fit and wasn’t going to respond. _Whatever._ Dean wasn’t going to fight it.

He climbed under the covers and went to put his phone away again, but it rang. “Damn, I must be popular tonight.” He checked the caller ID. _Cas_. He grinned into the phone as he answered it. “Hey.”

“Hello, Dean,” the deeper voice responded. “So, I’m sitting here in bed-"

“That’s hot. What are you wearing?” Dean interrupted with a teasing tone.

Castiel sighed a laugh into the phone. “The same thing I was wearing ten minutes ago.”

Dean chuckled. “ _Mmm_ , Cas, you don’t know what you’re doing to me,” he joked.

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah. Tell me what you’re doing.” Dean rolled over onto his left side and stared at the wall.

“Well… I’m cleaning my glasses… and now I’m putting them back on. How’s that?”

Dean let out a lighthearted groan. “ _God_ , that’s so sexy,” Dean mocked with a laugh.

There was a small knock on the door, and his mom poked her head in the room. He missed whatever Castiel was saying on the other line. “We’re going to bed now. Who are you on the phone with?” Mary asked.

“Just, uh, someone from school,” he lied. “Goodnight.”

“Okay, goodnight, sweetheart.” She left and shut the door behind her.

“Sorry about that,” he said into the phone, quieter. He heard a faint knock on another door and hushed voices.

“Oh no, just someone from school. Thank you. Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning,” Cas directed away from him with an attempt to muffle his end of the phone. Dean chuckled. “Sorry, your parents were just saying goodnight,” he said to Dean with a quieter voice.

“I hope they didn’t catch you touching yourself,” Dean teased. Castiel scoffed into the phone. “You know, it’s probably suspicious that we both _happened_ to be on the phone with ‘someone from school’ at the same time.”

“Yes, well, maybe we’re on a three-way call.”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Mm, a three-way, huh?” Cas let out a breath into the receiver, probably rolling his eyes with that smile reserved for Dean's stupid jokes. “I think they’re in bed now. You should come in here.”

“I highly doubt anyone’s asleep yet, Dean.”

“You should probably be quiet about it, then.” Cas let out an exasperated sigh, and Dean grinned knowingly. “You’re coming in here now, aren’t you?”

“Shut up.” With that, Cas hung up the phone. Less than ten seconds later, he was opening Dean’s door and tip-toeing in, carefully shutting the door behind him.

“What a _pleasant_ surprise.” Dean grinned and pulled the blanket out so Cas could climb in beside him.

Castiel carefully got into the bed and laid by Dean's side. “You know, your bed’s actually smaller than the guest bed,” Cas mentioned as he got comfortable.

Dean rolled over on top of him, sliding between Cas's legs comfortably. “Yeah, but it’s so much softer, isn’t it?” Cas grudgingly agreed with a shrug, slinging his arms around Dean’s neck. Dean leaned down and inhaled deeply while kissing Castiel’s neck. “Mm, you smell like Christmas cookies,” he mumbled into Cas’s skin.

“That's a good thing, right?” Cas closed his eyes and tilted his head back with a contented sigh.

“Mmm-hmm.” Dean sucked a small mark on Cas’s collar bone and kissed a trail up his neck until their lips slipped together naturally, and Dean hummed. “You kinda taste like cookies, too.” Cas grinned against his mouth and kissed him deeper. "Did you steal some of the cookies while we weren't looking?" Dean asked, pulling his lips back.

Cas chuckled and peeked one eye open to look up at Dean. "That depends; is this a formal investigation? Because I have the right to a lawyer."

"Oh yes, we take our cookie larceny very seriously in this town," Dean answered, gingerly kissing Castiel's lips again. Cas grinned and gently tugged Dean's lip between his teeth before sucking it back into a kiss. Dean nuzzled their bodies closer together, wiggling a little and making Cas smile. Cas tilted his head and parted his lips invitingly, and Dean moved with him. Dean couldn’t deny how much he liked the way Cas sighed and practically melted in his mouth. Dean sucked lazily at Cas’s bottom lip when he pulled away. “You know what you do to me?”

Dean ran his hand up and down Cas's side before dipping underneath the waistband of his boxer briefs lightly. “What do I do to you, Dean?” Cas murmured against Dean’s lips.

Dean pecked Cas’s lips a few times before moving back to his jaw and down the sides of his neck. “You drive me crazy.” Dean moved his mouth down to Cas’s chest which rose and fell with his steady breaths. “Every sound you make…” He lightly bit down on Castiel’s shoulder inviting another sigh from him. As his fingers grazed back and forth over the skin of Cas's hip, Dean looked up to see Cas’s eyes were closed. “-Just tears me apart.” Castiel didn’t reply, just smiled and bit his lip as Dean’s tongue danced down his abdomen.

Castiel moaned when Dean pulled down his boxer briefs. “I can’t wait until you can fuck me again,” he muttered.

“God, me too, baby. I just wanna fuck you all the time.” Dean wrapped his lips around Cas’s cock and slowly started sucking.

“You’re amazing,” Cas breathed, bringing his hands down to rest on Dean’s head. Cas’s hips began rolling with Dean’s unhurried movements. “When we… _fuck_. When we get back, I want you…” Dean brought his lips to the base of Cas’s shaft, swallowing around his length and wringing a tiny squeak from the back of Cas’s throat. “I want you to fuck me like you mean it.” Dean moaned at the thought. “I want you so deep in me… _Jesus_. I want to see stars.”

Dean released Cas’s dick with a sigh. “Keep going, baby.” Dean sloppily wet his index finger and pressed it against Cas’s hole. Castiel moaned so softly when he pushed it inside. “So beautiful,” he whispered. He licked around the head of Castiel’s dick again before swallowing him down.

“Use another finger, Dean,” he urged. Dean obliged, rubbing himself against the bed in time with his motions. “ _Yes_ … I want to feel every… inch of you. I want- _Oh_!" Dean massaged his fingers over Cas's prostate and felt Cas's thighs tremble. "Right there, Dean. _Fuck_ me…” Cas’s fingers grasped hard at the hair on Dean’s head, and he moved one hand to hold onto the bed sheet at his side. “You’re gonna _fuck_ me so hard, Dean. D-Dean…” He slipped in another wet finger and increased the paces of his mouth and fingers together. “Dean! Yes, _yesyesyesyes-! Fffuck_ \- Dean!” He chanted in a whisper, trying his best to be quiet. With a broken sigh, Cas came in waves, rolling his hips up into Dean’s mouth carelessly and uncontrollably. He pulled Dean up by his hair. “Fuck me now.”

Dean stifled a moan as he hurriedly pulled down his boxers and pushed inside of Castiel as fast as he could. “Oh my god.” It wasn't nearly wet enough, his saliva and precome from his cock barely helping the push, especially if Cas's pinched-off groan was anything to go by. Cas clung to him tightly, and Dean buried his face into the crook of Cas’s neck as he started thrusting into him. Cas bit down on his shoulder and grasped desperately at Dean’s sides. Dean wrapped his arms underneath Cas’s and held onto him with a death grip, holding on as closely as he could before he started pounding into him. “ _Oh my god_ ,” he breathed. Cas let out tiny mewls with every thrust of Dean’s hips, no longer able to speak. Dean reached one arm down to hold up Cas’s right leg higher on his hip and thrust harder, making the bed squeak in time with their bodies. “I’m g- I’m gonna- _gonna_ -“ Cas nodded frantically and clung to him tighter as Dean came inside of him with one long thrust and an extended groan, muffled only by biting down on Cas's collar.

Dean stilled and quivered with his full weight on top of Castiel, no longer able to hold himself up. Cas ran his hands over his own head breathlessly. Dean felt Cas’s chest shake with laughter even though no noise came out of him. “What’s so funny?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Cas murmured. “Just… Wow.” Dean laughed softly in response. “I mean…”

“I know, right?” Dean winced as he slid out from between Cas’s legs and rolled over onto his back. “I, uh… I didn’t know we were… y’know, so I didn’t have a condom…”

Cas nodded. “I know. I just kinda…” He flung his arm around lazily to finish his sentence. Cas turned his head and gazed at him. “Is that okay?” Dean nodded and rolled into Cas’s side, burying his face in his neck. He let his arm fall across Cas’s waist. They laid silently together for a moment until Cas spoke up. “So, Dean…”

“So, Cas.”

“You called me baby again.”

Dean grumbled into Cas’s neck. “Shut up.” Cas shook with another small laugh and reached up to turn off the bedroom light. “G’night.”

“’Night, baby.” Dean was too tired to put up a fight and instead just chuckled, curled up closer to Cas and fell asleep.

**& &**

Castiel woke up in Dean’s tight embrace again. Every morning it felt less and less strange to feel the warmth behind him. Castiel _may_ have shifted closer to Dean- if that was even possible. Dean felt him move and clung to him tighter. Cas smiled to himself. “I know you’re awake.”

Dean grumbled in response, “Mm, no I’m not. ’m asleep.” Dean lazily nuzzled his face into Cas’s neck, kissing his skin slowly. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Dean.” Cas rolled over to lay on top of Dean and kissed him. “Did you get me a present?”

Dean grinned against his lips. “Yeah, I’ve got your present right here-“ There was a knock at the door and suddenly Cas was flung off the bed and hit the floor with a hard thud. Through the pain, Cas tried his best to hide beneath the bed. The door opened, and Castiel recognized the baby blue house slippers. “Hey, mom,” Dean greeted nonchalantly.

“What was that noise?” Mary asked in bewilderment.

“I, uh, just dropped my phone.” Cas rolled his eyes. _Dean Winchester, you are a fucking idiot._

“Oh…kay, honey. Well, hurry up and come downstairs so you can see what Santa brought you.”

“I’ll be down in a few minutes.” Castiel saw Mary turn around and close the door behind her. Dean rolled over the side of the bed and looked at him. “I am _so_ sorry.”

Cas fumbled to get up, rubbing his aching back. “It’s fine. Maybe next time just _tell_ me to hide instead of throwing me onto the floor.”

Dean grinned and got up on his knees, reaching his hands out to bring Cas closer. “C’mere. Let me kiss it and make it all better.” He tried to pull Cas onto the bed, but Cas resisted. “Come _on_.”

Castiel let Dean pull him in for a tiny kiss and pulled away. “Your parents are expecting us now.” Dean pouted his lip out and shook his head. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?”

Dean kissed him again and laughed. “I can imagine," he mumbled against Cas's lips with a giant grin. Cas forfeited and let Dean hold him for a few wistful moments before tearing himself away. Dean begrudgingly made his way downstairs while Castiel retrieved his gifts from the guest bedroom.

Everyone else was already downstairs waiting for the boys to join them. John handed out the gifts one by one. Castiel was surprised enough when he was handed one present, but even more surprised when he was given two more. “You didn’t have to do this… Letting me stay with you is generous enough.”

Mary rubbed his back. “You’re a part of the family now,” she told him as she leaned down closer to him. Cas bit the inside of his cheek and silently thanked her.

Two were marked “from John, Mary, and Sam”, one from Dean. He was given a new laptop bag and a paperback copy of _A People’s History of the United States._  Dean’s gift was a DVD copy of _“Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.”_ He tried not to laugh out loud at Dean’s gift.

“These are all perfect. Thank you so much, really.” Castiel felt like speaking his appreciation wasn’t enough, but it would have to do for now.

Dean tore into his gifts like anyone would imagine: like a child on… Well, Christmas. “Oh, Sammy. You really get me.” He showed Cas the items in his hand: motor oil and a candy bar. “Fuel for me and fuel for my baby.” Dean laughed and shook his head. “Open mine.”

Sam immediately guffawed. “Skin mags! And… shaving cream. You shouldn’t have.”

“Both of those will come in handy when you actually hit puberty.”

After everyone opened the rest of their exchanges, Castiel decided to distribute the items in his bag. “It’s not much, but… Sam, this one’s for you. You know how to play chess, right?”

Sam beamed and took the chess set from him. “Yeah! We should totally play this later.”

“Definitely.” He took out a rustic-looking knife marked with engravings and handed it to John. “I know you have something of a collection, and when I saw this, I thought it was really cool.” The older man thanked him and admired the weapon. “This is for you,” he directed at Mary. He handed her a colorful binder with _‘Made with Love: A Mom’s Cookbook’_ written on the front. “It’s empty, so you can fill it up with your own recipes and stuff.”

“This is so precious, Cas, thank you!” She hugged him and flipped through the book.

“Alright, what about me?” Dean stuck out his hand expectantly. Castiel looked at him incisively before handing it over. Dean snatched the book out of his hands and studied it.

Cas had ordered the custom leather notebook months prior. It wasn’t anything special, but it had Dean’s name engraved on it. He watched as Dean traced his fingers over the markings. He flipped it over twice before opening the strap and observing the contents. All of the pages were blank, with the exception of the first page. Dean read it carefully, and Cas remembered exactly what he'd written.

_"You have a gift inside of you. Never forget that. I only hope that one day I can inspire someone the way you inspire me.   –Cas"_


	18. December 31-January 1, 2014

“Be careful. Don’t hit it too hard, Cas… Cas! Slow down! Jesus Christ… Okay, well, now this is _too_ slow. Go faster, but y’know, be gentle…” Dean let out a long breath. “ _Theeeere_ you go. That’s it. Now you’ve got it.”

“Dean, I don’t want to do this anymore. What if we get hurt? It’s too much pressure; I don’t like this.”

“Cas, just fucking do it and stop crying. You’re doing fine. Keep going.”

Maybe it was a bad idea to teach Cas how to drive. Really, Dean didn’t completely know why he was doing it; Cas didn’t even _want_ to learn. He was freaking out the whole time. “Dean, _please_.”

“You’ve got to learn sometime, buddy.” Dean pat him on the shoulder to try to comfort him, but Cas flinched. He was staring wide-eyed at the road like it was about to kill him. Cas’s hands were clutching the steering wheel so hard, his knuckles had gone completely white. Dean laughed at how cute it was. “Dude, you’re doing _fine_ , I promise. We’re only going 45. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I don’t want to mess up your car. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

“You already _are_ doing it, Cas. Stop being a baby.” Dean sat back and tried to relax. It was strange to sit in the passenger seat of his car. He’d been driving the Impala for almost 8 years- legally speaking, it’d only been 5 or 6 years- but this was the first time he’d really let someone else drive. It was definitely a nerve-wracking experience, but he trusted Cas.

“You’re a mean teacher,” Castiel mumbled.

“I am not!” Castiel glared daggers into him. “Y’know, not for nothing, Cas, but the last time someone looked at me like that… I got laid.” Cas didn’t respond. “By you.” Cas gave him the same look again. Dean winked in response. Cas looked back towards the road, and Dean sighed. “Alright…” He put his hand on Cas’s thigh and squeezed. “Pull over and I’ll blow you.” Castiel rolled his eyes. “I will! You think I won’t?”

“Oh, I know you will. I just don’t think it would be very constructive.” Cas shrugged. “All that’s going to happen is you’ll get yourself worked up, and I’ll end up on the side of the road with your dick in my ass.”

“Oh, so now you don’t like my dick in your ass?”

“Dean!” Cas laughed loudly. “I swear to God…” Dean scooted closer to Castiel and rubbed up his thigh and grazed his crotch, making him giggle even harder. “You’re such a slut, get off me.”

“Come on, you know you love it.” Dean moved against Cas and nibbled at his ear.

Cas’s neck scrunched up, and he swatted Dean’s face away. “You’re gonna make me wreck your car! I’m nervous enough as it is.”

Dean took his hands off of him, sat back and sighed. “Fine. Fine.” Castiel rattled his head and unclenched his hands from the wheel. Dean pursed his lips and tapped his hands against the back of Cas’s seat absently. “Do you really not like my dick being up your ass?”

Cas burst with laughter. “Dean! Are you really that insecure?”

“That’s not exactly an answer.”

“Oh my _god_. I fuckin’ love it, okay? I _love_ having your dick in my ass. Can’t get enough of it. Does that make you feel better?”

Dean grinned smugly. “I knew it.”

**& &**

Castiel spent most of the rest of the day riding around in the passenger seat of Dean’s car. They listened to music, talked about the things they missed about California, friends they missed. It was nice. Castiel had missed talking to Dean. Somehow over the course of the last few months, it just became easier to fool around, and they kind of lost touch with how friends were supposed to be.

He wasn’t necessarily unhappy, but in a way, he missed the Dean he used to know. They used to get to know each other, and they watched movies together without feeling each other up. Things just got all messed up somewhere along the way to where they were now.

 _Where are we, though?_ Castiel rested his head against the car door and stared out the window. _We’re still friends… But it’s not the same. It’ll never be the same. It can’t be. Why though? Why can’t we get that back?_ Cas let out a melancholic sigh. _Do I really want to go back to the way things were? I mean, Dean and I have never been closer than we are now, right? We’ve shared things with each other that we haven’t shared with anyone else. That’s what best friends do._ Cas shrugged inwardly. _Then again, best friends probably don’t need to reassess the depth of their friendship every other day._

Cas looked over at Dean who was singing off-key to the radio, not paying any attention to him. “ _Some will win, some will lose. Some were born to sing the blu-ues!_ ”  Dean strummed his fingers on the steering wheel and bobbed his head with the beat. “ _Oh the movie never ends-_ ” Dean glanced over and met Cas’s eyes and danced for him playfully. “ _It goes on and on and on and on!_ Come on, Cas, you know the words.”

Castiel chuckled and bit his lip. “ _Strangers waiting! Up and down the bouleva-aaard!_ ” Dean hit the last note especially horribly, and Cas plugged his ears. “ _Their shadows searchin’ in the ni-iiiight. Streetlight people livin’ just to find emotion!_ ” Dean pointed at him like he was putting on a concert and bobbed his head. “ _Hidin’ somewhere in the niiiiight!_ Come on, Cas! It’s comin’!" Dean started enthusiastically playing air guitar along with the song, and closed his eyes as he got really into his performance. Right on time, he stopped and pointed at Cas again, bobbing his head. " _Don’t stop! Believing!_ Never stop believin’, Cas, don’t do it! _Hold onto that feeeeeliiing!_ Hold onto it, baby!” He closed his eyes and held his fist close to his face. “ _Streetlight people! Don’t stop! Believing! Hold o-oooonnn!_ Oh, hold onto it!”

Castiel laughed until his sides hurt, but Dean never gave up, riding the song out till the very end. He milked every ounce of energy out of that song as he possibly could. “Whoo!” He hooted with a heaving chest. Dean relaxed and rested his arm on the back of the seat. “Y’know, I gotta admit, Cas… I don’t think you held onto that feelin’. I think you might’ve actually _stopped believing_.” Dean shook his head and shrugged. “You can’t ride shotgun anymore. Sorry, but I don’t make the rules. You gotta do what the song says.”

Cas couldn’t take the goofy grin off of his face even if he wanted to, but he remained silent. He couldn’t stop looking over at Dean; he was practically glowing. Castiel didn’t know what had changed, but Dean just _looked_ different now. He was gleaming more and more every day, and today he just... He radiated something that Cas couldn't stop staring at. It was almost like looking into the sun, but it didn’t hurt. Nothing hurt.

Castiel turned back to the window and chewed on his lip thoughtfully, still smiling. It was that moment he finally decided he didn’t want to go back. His decision was absolute: Cas liked things exactly the way that they were. In that moment, everything was as it should be; everything was perfect.

By the time they arrived back at the house, the sky was black. The world was quiescent since mostly everyone was inside celebrating the new year their own way. A light shone dimly from the front window of the Winchester’s house. Cas wondered how they were going to celebrate that night. _Surely, Mary can’t stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop._ When Castiel began walking towards the porch, Dean stopped him by tugging on the sleeve of his sweater. Cas peered at him in question, and Dean nodded in the direction of the side of the house. Despite being confused, Cas let Dean lead him away.

The night was cold, and the streets were hauntingly silent. Cas folded his arms in front of his chest and tried to think warm thoughts. Dean held the gate open for Cas and grinned at him. Castiel gave him a curious look, to which Dean just said, “I want to show you something.”

He guided Cas to a big tree at the far end of their yard and pointed upwards. Castiel followed the finger and noticed the- probably very old- treehouse above them. “Come on,” Dean urged.

“How? There’s no way to get up there.” Castiel looked all around the perimeter but couldn’t find a ladder. Dean was already halfway up the tree, climbing it like some sort of ape. Cas shrugged to himself. “I stand corrected.”

Castiel attempted to climb the tree, but having never actually done it before, failed miserably. Dean chuckled from the opening at the bottom of the building. “You act like you’ve never climbed a tree before.” Cas glared at him sharply. Dean sighed in mock exasperation. “Hold on.” He disappeared for a few moments before adding, “Watch your head.”

Cas stepped back and a rope ladder fell in front of him. “You were going to make me climb this tree when you knew there was a perfectly good ladder?”

Dean shrugged. “What can I say? You're cute when you're frustrated.” Cas rolled his eyes and clambered up and into the fort.

It was definitely intended for children, he noticed immediately; he couldn’t stand straight up inside and there wasn’t much room for moving around. It felt cramped and dark. He didn’t make any effort to move until he heard a click and the room lit up incandescently. The ceiling of the room was trimmed with pleasant, white Christmas lights that showed the true interior of the room. It was attractively decorated given Castiel’s original expectations. There was a shag rug on the floor, two medium-sized beanbag chairs, a few movie posters stapled to the wall, and a very large stack of magazines in the corner. It was plain, but decent enough.

“I’ll be honest, I did not expect this. How did you get the lights to work?  There’s not an outlet anywhere near here,” Cas observed before sitting down in one of the seats.

“I built a generator back in high school. I hardly ever use it, so the battery life is pretty much going to last forever.” Dean spoke as if it was the most normal thing in the world, as if it wasn’t _ridiculously surprising_ , to say the least.

“You just… _built_ a generator?”

“Yeah, I got bored and had nothing better to do.” _Well color me impressed._ Dean moved the magazines in the corner to reveal a cleverly hidden box. “Check it out.”

He brought the red toolbox over and sat down next to Cas. “Tools?”

Instead of responding, Dean opened the box and showed him the contents. There was a mostly-full bottle of whiskey, a small pencil case, a bottle of black nail polish, a deck of cards, and a couple of other miscellaneous items. Out of curiosity, he picked up the black nail polish and raised an eyebrow to Dean. “I went through a phase.” Cas fidgeted with the pencil case until it opened, a joint and a box of matches fell into his lap. “Don’t let it unroll! I’ve been saving that for a rainy day.”

Castiel picked the joint up and carefully examined it. “What if I said we should totally smoke this right now?” Dean looked at him skeptically. “Because I think we should totally smoke this right now.”

“Well, then I’d probably say let’s light her up.”

**& &**

Cas seemed to be studying the cards in his hand very carefully. “Do you… have any sixes?”

Dean looked up from his lap and peered at him. “Cas, we’re not even playing cards," he emphasized slowly. Castiel didn’t respond, so Dean shrugged and resumed what he was doing. “Go fish.”

“ _Damn_ ,” he hissed in disappointment. Castiel sat up to reach into the deck of cards, causing Dean’s hand to miss Cas’s toenail and paint the skin around it.

“Man, you messed it up.” Dean used his index finger to clean up the polish on Cas's skin.

Cas looked down from his cards and wiggled his toes. “When did you start painting my toenails?”

“I, uh… I don’t remember,” he said sedately. He and Castiel laughed so hard at that, they probably looked ridiculous to anyone sober. Teary-eyed, Dean set aside the nail polish and picked up the bottle of alcohol. He took a long pull from it and winced. “Here.”

Cas took two smaller sips from the bottle. Dean picked up the half-smoked joint and lit it back up. He held his breath and passed the roll to the other man. He blew the smoke out and slowly spoke, “What if, like, we had an apartment? Wouldn’t that be so much cooler than living in the dorms?” Cas nodded eagerly. “Let’s do that next year, man. We could totally swing it.”

Castiel closed his eyes and laughed. “A swing- we should get a swing,” he said through the giggling fit. Dean chuckled and shook his head. “And a cat.”

“Whatever, man.”

Cas sat across from him quietly as Dean continued painting his toenails. “Did you know that a cat's penis is sharply barbed along its shaft?”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “I did not know that.”

“I’m glad human penises aren’t like that.” Dean huffed an agreeing laugh. _Me too._ Cas continued smoking. “Dean… I've been thinking.” Dean looked up to see Cas’s face was completely serious, staring into space. “Monkeys... are so clever, and they’re sensible in that they leave the skins on the bananas that they eat. Is it really necessary to test cosmetics on them? I mean, how important is lipstick to you, Dean?”

Cas looked at him at the end of the question and shook his head in disbelief. Dean pondered the question thoughtfully. “Not very… I could give two shakes of a rat’s ass.” He laughed to himself. “That's funny, right? I could give two shakes of a rat's ass. Is that right? Do rats shake their ass, or is it something else?”

He and Cas snickered quietly. “I don’t even know what you’re saying.”

That prompted Dean to laugh even harder until he slipped off of his seat. He slid onto the floor and laid there lazily. Castiel handed him the pot, and he sparked another match to light it, drawing from it slowly. “This was such a _good_ idea,” Dean mentioned as he inhaled. Cas agreed wordlessly and rolled onto his side to look at him. Dean winked at him in passing before looking out the window of the treehouse. From the angle he was laying at, he could get a pretty nice view of the sky through a clearing in the branches. “Hey, Cas, go turn off the light and get down here.”

“Dean Winchester..." Cas hiccuped. "Are you trying to seduce me?”

“Nah, I’ll do that later. You should look at this- but you gotta turn off the light or else we can’t see anything.” Cas acquiesced, and with the darkness of the room, the night sky was perfectly clear. Dean stared at it in wonder. _Wow… Look at all those stars... I bet Star Trek is totally real. Like, it’s gotta be real, right? I wish I was Captain Kirk._

Castiel also gazed at the sky with a dreamy, far-off look in his eye. “I love looking at the stars,” he whispered without turning his head.

“Me too. Sammy and I used to drive out to the middle of nowhere and just watch the stars for hours… Mostly after my mom got sick.” Dean sighed and tilted his head, trying to see how deep into space he could look. He felt one of Cas’s fingers graze against his hip absently. “It was hard on him… Hard on all of us. But he loved looking at the stars.”

“It took his mind off of the pain,” Cas murmured. Dean looked over at him and watched his unwavering expression, still lazily watching the sky. “It gives you hope… That maybe there’s a God up there who hears you. And maybe your prayers will be answered.” Castiel paused and licked his lips before relaxing more. “I used to do the same thing.”

“Yeah?”

The corner of Cas’s lip turned up into a small, distant smile. Dean let his eyes linger too long before he returned his gaze to the stars. “All the time. God and I have a very complicated relationship… Especially after my mom died.” Dean felt a tugging in his heart. “I would lay on the floor by my window and just look up at the sky, it was kind of my way of praying. I'd just spend forever lost in the stars..." Cas quieted in thought for a moment. "One night, I, um... I snuck out onto the roof. I wanted- I needed to feel _something-_ " Cas emphasized the word seriously. "- and I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, I could fly… Or I would die trying.” Dean looked back over at him, a sadness lingering in his chest. “I was too afraid, though. I just laid down and looked at the stars. I tried to see Heaven, tried to see God. I needed to know He was real.”

“Did you find him?”

Castiel sighed. “No. But I found a star. It was really far away, and it was kind of dim, but I’d never seen it before- that sounds stupid.” _No it doesn’t._ “It… It just reminded me of my mother.”

“Show me,” Dean whispered.

Castiel tilted his head and squinted before scooting slightly closer to Dean and pointing. Dean admired it briefly before his inebriated eyes resettled on Cas. Dean couldn’t get past how striking Cas looked with his features illuminated by the moon, his eyes reflecting those dazzling lights… Dean watched the soft way his chest rose and fell when he sighed. “You know…” Cas spoke so quietly, it was difficult to hear. “You’re very obvious when you’re staring.” Castiel looked away from the stars and looked at Dean, the corners of his lips slightly turning up into a knowing smile.

Dean chuckled softly. “I don’t care. I don’t even care that I don’t care.”

Cas’s eyes grazed over his facial features searchingly. “What _do_ you care about, Dean?”

Dean breathed in deep and returned to looking into space. “I don’t know… I mean, I care about lots of things.” He put his hand underneath his head and scooted closer to Cas, who did the same until their arms were pressed up against each other. “I care about my family. I care that Sammy’s gotta go to college and do something real with his life. Become a lawyer, get married, have some kids- I’ve got real high hopes for that kid…”

“Do you care about what people think of you?” Cas asked carefully.

“That’s a big question." Dean considered it thoughtfully. "I guess if I’m honest, I do.”

“I don’t.”

Dean glanced over at him. Cas was absently toying with a piece of string hanging off of Dean’s shirt. “You don’t?”

“Not really. I used to, but…” Cas sighed and shrugged. “I don’t think I care anymore. Well, I do care, but I don’t want to let the opinions of other people affect me anymore. I just want to be happy. And… And I don’t think you can really be happy if you’re busy trying to be someone else just to please others.” Dean swallowed thickly, watching Cas closely. “I have… I _had_ a lot of problems with trusting people. You know… I just always had this feeling that they’re just waiting for a good moment to pull the rug out from under me, and I’m gonna be alone again.”

Dean had so many things he wanted to say to that, but he kept himself silent on the matter. Instead, Dean looked back up at the stars and inched his index finger that was pressed to the back of Castiel's hand over Cas's matching finger. Dean held his breath when he felt Cas's finger twitch and slowly turn his hand upwards in invitation. Dean swallowed around the rising feeling sitting at the top of his throat and slid his fingers between Castiel's. Not daring to look away from the sky, he waited until Cas gave Dean's hand a more comfortable, subtle squeeze before Dean let out the breath he was holding. Cas let his head rest on Dean’s shoulder as they both looked up at the stars.

After what seemed like an eternity of listening to that stupid geek in the back of his head scream bloody-murder, Dean finally managed to speak again. “What do you care about, Cas?”

Castiel hummed pensively. “Everything. Nothing. All of it and none of it simultaneously.” He shook his head. Dean closed his eyes, losing himself in the warmth of Cas's palm and the sound of his voice. “I care about words a lot. It’s strange to think that just a particular arrangement of letters and words can mean so much or so little." Cas held Dean's hand tighter and rolled slightly so his other hand was tracing shapes on Dean's side. "I care that people don’t care enough anymore… They take everything for granted. How can we live in a world where words have so much power and so much meaning… and yet nobody uses them? You could say one thing and change so much... Like telling someone how you feel.” He murmured the last part of the sentence under his breath, and Dean wasn’t even sure Cas meant to say it out loud. “Dean.”

“Yeah, Cas.”

There was no immediate response. Dean opened his eyes and looked down to see that Cas was looking at him like the words were hidden in the freckles on his cheeks, and like maybe if he searched hard enough, he'd be able to find them. “Do you care about me?”

 _You have no idea._ Cas's hand stopped tracing shapes and rested on Dean's chest. Dean’s heart pounded achingly under the weight of his palm. He didn’t need to lie, he didn’t need to be coy; Cas deserved the truth. “Yeah, Cas. I do.” Those few words made him feel more naked and vulnerable than he thought possible. It was like his chest was made of porcelain that could shatter under Castiel’s hand at any moment.

Cas nodded deliberately. “I care about you, too.” ( _Scream._ )

Dean nodded wordlessly in return. In that moment, Dean knew he wouldn’t forget the way Castiel looked: the sedated look on his face, the way the moonlight danced across his cheekbones. All at once, the stars in the sky had stopped shining, and their brilliance was completely forgotten because nothing could ever shine brighter than the stars in those endless blue eyes. In that second, there was nothing in the universe more beautiful than the boy so close to his heart, the hand he held was an extension of his own.

Tentatively, Dean tilted his head down to touch Cas's. Cas nudged Dean's cheekbone with his nose and waited. The shaky breath against Dean's lips were finally replaced with the soft press of Castiel's own lips as Dean moved forward the last inch. Dean felt his own lower lip tremble slightly, but when Cas's thumb grazed over the back of his own, Dean fastened his lips more comfortably with Castiel's. The kiss was tender and slow, telling the things to Cas that he could never find in words. The kiss was how he felt, and he felt it tremendously. Dean pulled his lips back and rested his forehead against Castiel’s, not daring to open his eyes. Dean swallowed down the thick lump in his throat and did his best to ignore the feeling of something welling up inside of him- something he wasn’t ready to acknowledge, even to himself.


	19. January 3, 2014

The dreaded day snuck up on him like a thief in the night: the day Castiel would have to say goodbye to Dean’s family and return to California. _Has it already been 18 days? Where did it all go?_

In a way, he could see Kansas becoming “home” to him; there was love, warmth, and laughter here all the time. There was family, happiness. His bed was never cold, and he’d grown especially attached to his source of warmth and the person with whom he shared his nights and his mornings. As much as he loved his friends back in LA, nothing could quite match how special the last few weeks have been to him.

That morning, Cas didn’t want to wake up. It wasn't a bad morning, though, which made things worse because he couldn't hate it. The sun was shining, and birds were chirping outside of their window. Dean's head was on Cas's chest, partially laying on top of him, his arms clinging to Cas's sides like they always did as of late. Dean had found a way to wrap and tangle himself completely around Cas, from his arms to his legs, all the way down to his heart. Cas knew that if he moved, Dean would wake, and it would just make their departure that much sooner, and Cas just wasn't ready. So, he kept still- aside from the fingers of one hand that delicately traced up and down Dean's spine- using his time to concentrate on trying to count the freckles on Dean’s peacefully resting face. (He lost count somewhere around 107.)

Dean took a deep breath in and squeezed Castiel tighter, wrapping another leg around his in the process. Cas smiled to himself and brought the gentle hand to the back of Dean’s head, stroking his hair languidly. Dean hummed and nestled his head into the curves of Cas’s chest.

“You’re so warm,” Dean murmured, his voice muffled by Cas's chest. Cas didn’t say anything in return, just continued rubbing Dean’s head and down his back. _If I’m careful, maybe this moment never has to end._ “How long have you been awake?”

“Not very long,” he lied with a whisper. Dean yawned and rubbed his face into Cas’s stomach. With a moan, he brought his chin to rest on Cas’s chest and slowly opened his eyes. “Good morning.”

“Yeah, it is…" Dean cozied himself closer to Cas, bringing his lip flat to Cas's stomach and inhaling before pressing a small kiss and replacing it with his chin again. "Are you ready for today?” Cas shook his head silently, watching his own hand that still soothed the man in his arms. Dean blinked gently and yawned again. “Me neither.”

 _"So let’s just stay. We don’t even have to leave this room. We can stay right here, just like this, forever."_ He didn't say anything.

“This has been, like, the longest three weeks ever," Dean mentioned quietly. "It’s weird to think that things are gonna be back to normal by tomorrow night.”

The words pulled at the strings of his heart unexpectedly. He didn’t want things to be “back to normal,” whatever that meant. Ever since New Year’s, Castiel had a lot to think about. He was feeling things he never intended to feel- things he wasn’t sure he was ready for. Sure, Cas had come to terms with the fact that sexuality can, in fact, be fluid, but he still hadn’t accepted the fact that maybe it was more than sex with Dean. More than friendship. More than a lot of things.

“Cas?” Dean innocently traced his finger in shapes over Cas’s heart. “Are you okay?”

He gave Dean a half smile. “Yeah.” Castiel was tired of lying, but it was all he could manage to do.

**& &**

The bags were packed and stowed away in the trunk of the Impala. It was real: they were going back to California. Dean insisted they stay for one last breakfast with the family, even if it was just a way of postponing the inevitable. The pancakes tasted bittersweet, but Dean doubted it had anything to do with how they were made.

Everybody was trying so hard to be happy and have fun, but the room was uncomfortably quiet. Nobody was ready to say goodbye again; the time had passed by too quickly- it wasn't fair. Cas especially was withdrawn, eyeing his food and picking away at it absently. Dean knew something was wrong with him, but Cas refused to acknowledge it.

After everybody had eaten their food, it was time to wrap up the vacation. Sam pulled Castiel aside to talk, and Mary took advantage of the privacy by bidding a special farewell to her son. His mom rested one nurturing hand on his and one on his cheek with a smile. “Do you know how much I love you?” Dean huffed a laugh. “Really, Dean. We love you so much… And we will _never_ stop loving you. You know that, right?”

Dean’s eyebrows knit together. “I love you too, Mom. What’s this about?”

His mom sighed sadly. “I just want you to be happy.” Dean’s stomach churned, and he shifted in his seat.

“I am happy.” And that wasn’t even really a lie. Dean _was_ happy. “Mom, I don’t-"

“I know, Dean,” Mary put simply. The pit of his stomach felt like it dropped out of his body completely. “I’ve known for a long time. I know that you pretend it’s not there, but it is.” Dean looked down at his hands and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “It’s harder to ignore now, isn’t it?”

Dean shook his head, still not looking up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do.” Mary held his chin in her hands and brought his face to meet hers. “Dean, that boy looks at you like you hand pick the stars and put them in the sky every night just for him." Dean licked his bottom lip and held it between his teeth, not wanting to acknowledge the truth behind his mom's words. "And I’ve seen the way you look at him. I know that look.” A tear slipped onto his cheek and his mother quickly wiped it away. “I wish you would just let yourself be happy. It hurts me so much to see you like this.”

Dean’s throat was scratchy and dry. “Mom, I…”

His mom stroked his cheek fondly, and he leaned into it, closing his eyes. “I wish the world was different, honey. I know how hard it must be to face, especially after what happened to Benny, but you have to know that won’t happen to you." _How do you know about Benny?_ Of course, his mom could read his mind. She stroked the side of his face. "It's a small town, honey," she said simply. "But we love you no matter what, Dean.”

“It’s not that simple,” he whispered.

The look of pain and sympathy on his mother’s face would stay with him for a long time. “Okay.” She brushed back his hair. “Okay. I know you’ll tell us when you’re ready.” Dean looked at her with thanks in his eyes.

Cas and Sam came back from the other room, and Dean quickly sat up straight and wiped a hand down his face. “Are you ready?” Cas asked.

 _Not even a little bit._ Dean stood up anyways and hugged Sam while Mary hugged Castiel. They walked out to the porch, where his mom and brother stood and watched as he and Cas got in the car and drove away.

 ******  
**

**Hour One**

The car ride was mostly quiet; Dean seemed to be deeply concerned about something. His forehead was tight and he chewed on the inside of his lip solemnly. Castiel wanted to ask him what was wrong, but he wasn’t in the best state of mind either.

Before they’d left the house, Sam had pulled him aside and talked to him on a very personal level. _“If I asked you something, would you answer me honestly?”_ The question had thrown him off, but he accepted. Sam was quiet when he asked, _“Are you and Dean together?”_

Even remembering, Cas huffed a sad laugh to himself.  _"_ _No.”_

Sam had looked at him curiously. _“But you love him?”_ Cas didn’t answer before Sam continued. _“Because he loves you.”_

The weight of the words had been almost enough to knock him on his ass. _“Did he…?”_

Sam had laughed quietly and shook his head. _“No. Dean admit to something like that? That doesn't really sound like him, does it? …No, I can just tell. I just wanted to talk to you about it because, knowing Dean, you’re probably going to have to face his inner demons with him, y’know? He’s got a lot of problems in the, uh, sexuality department.”_

_“Why are you telling me all of this, Sam?”_

_“I don’t want you to give up on him.”_

Castiel put the memory aside and stared out the window, resting his temple against the door panel. He hadn’t signed up for this. He hadn't planned on developing feelings for Dean beyond friendship- Hell, if someone had told him at the beginning of the school year, he'd be having sex with a guy in a matter of months, he would've strongly recommended psychological help. And yet, here he was: falling for his best friend. Falling _hard._

Even so, Cas didn’t intend on giving up on Dean any time soon. Without realizing it at the time, at some point, Cas had already decided he was in it for the long haul. If Dean was in, so was he. His heart told him Dean was worth the wait, and so he would wait.

Dean relaxed and put his arm along the back of their seats, left hand lazily resting on the steering wheel. Cas studied every inch of him and sighed. _Too late to turn back now._ Dean must’ve noticed him looking because he turned his head and gave him a weak half smile. Castiel unbuckled his seatbelt and scooted over to sit next to him. Dean seemed surprised, but didn’t object. He fit into Dean’s side and relaxed under his arm. “Is this okay?” Cas asked uncertainly.

Dean’s expression warmed up immediately, though he still looked forward at the road. “Yeah, it’s okay.” Dean’s arm came down from the back of the seats and wrapped around Cas’s shoulder comfortably. Cas bit back a grin and rested his head between Dean’s shoulder and his collar.

Cas’s phone vibrated in his pocket. _New Message: Charlie: "Two days, bitch! Miss you and Deanie Weenie. Tell the bf Charlie and Jo say whaduuuuuup!’_

Castiel chuckled to himself. “Charlie and Jo said to say hello.” He quickly typed out a response and sent it. _"We miss you too. See you soon."_

 

**Hour Seven**

Dean barely had time to find a secluded parking spot before Cas finally managed to pull him over on top of him. It wasn't easy; Dean's hip got caught under the steering wheel, and he made a pained grunt when he bumped it harshly. "Come on, Dean," Cas urged quietly. Dean nodded and fixed their position so he could slide between Cas's legs, and he surged forward to kiss Cas. Cas let out a soft moan into Dean's lips before Dean pushed forward again and the moan turned into an "Ow." 

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine- keep going," Cas replied as he nodded, shaking away the pain from the top of his head. Dean smiled and kissed Cas again, getting back into the motion of it. Cas rolled into Dean's body and brought his hands to Dean's neck. Dean pressed biting kisses over Cas's jaw and to his neck, sliding further down the seat. He moved his hands to the underside of Cas's thighs and tugged upwards to get them higher on his hips, but Cas's shin caught the steering wheel with another grunt. "My leg," he squeezed out.

"Shit, are you okay?" Dean asked, looking down at Cas's leg that was in an awkward position by the dashboard.

Cas nodded again, dismissively. With a wince, he reached down and rubbed the part of his shin that got hurt. "Do you think the backseat would be better?" Dean looked at it and shrugged. _Worked before._

Castiel nodded in silent direction for Dean to crawl over the seat, which he did gracelessly so, rolling over the hump of the seat and flopping onto his back- smacking his head on the arm bar in the process. " _Fuck_ ," he spat. He rubbed his head for a second before Cas tried to make his way into the backseat with him. He made it halfway before hesitating, and Dean grabbed him by the collar to pull him over. Cas landed in the backseat, alright, but his elbow landed straight on Dean's inner thigh, and they both let out simultaneous curses. 

After Cas fixed himself, he noticed where he landed and rubbed the spot soothingly. He noticed Dean's pained expression, and he gave Dean an earnest look. "Are you alright?" Dean set his face tight and nodded. The hand massaging his inner thigh definitely wasn't anything he was going to object to, anyways. He shook his head and let out a small laugh, and Cas moved up to kiss Dean, straddling his lap.

"This is fun," Dean remarked sarcastically into the kiss with another laugh. Cas chuckled and rocked his hips back onto Dean's lap, kissing him deeper. Dean sighed, hoping the worst of it was over. They set up a rhythm, urged on by the previous heat between them, made only slightly uncomfortable by the position of Dean's neck against the door. Cas reached between them to unbutton Dean's pants, and Dean got too excited, wiggled and bumped his head on the door again. Cas stopped to ask if he was alright again, and Dean just brushed it off, powering through it. 

Cas tried to shimmy down Dean's pants at an awkward angle, so he sat up to get a better angle and his head went straight to the roof of the car. " _Ow!_ " Cas wrapped a hand over the part of his head he hit, and Dean let out a pathetic half-laugh. Cas looked at him helplessly, and Dean shook his head as he brought him down for a gentle kiss. 

"You okay?" Cas sighed and nodded, trying to power through the pain. Dean figured if they kissed enough, the pleasure would outweigh the pain, so he would happily try. "Shirt," Dean directed in a whisper. He held the hemline of Cas's shirt and tugged upwards, and Cas tried to move with it and get it off. Of course, the world had other plans for them.  

They only got Cas's shirt tugged up over his back until it got stuck with Cas hunched over and his arms forward, the back of his shirt pulled over his head. "Dean," Cas grunted flatly. Cas wiggled and moved back as much as he could to slide it off, but the neckline was caught on his head and the angle was too awkward.

Dean held back a laugh and sat up as much as he could to put figure out the course of action. He slid his hands up to Cas's shoulders and to where the shirt still clung to his arms, carefully sliding the material over Cas's skin. Dean sighed with frustration and wrapped his arm around Cas's arms to hold the shirt in place for Cas to slide out of. "Okay, you pull, I pull," Dean said. "Ready?" Cas nodded, and Dean held onto the end of the shirt tightly as he tugged. 

Momentum? Turns out it's not the best idea when stuck in tight places. The shirt slid  _just enough_ for Dean and Cas to both be sent backwards, sending their heads smacking full-force against the door and roof respectively. "Son of a  _bitch_ ," Dean grunted, squeezing his eyes shut at the sharp pain in the back of his head.

He shook his head and rubbed the pain away before opening his eyes. Cas was slumped over with his shirt still pulled over the top of his head, one arm pulled out to the point where it was only caught by the hand, the other still fully in the arm sleeve. "Dean," Cas whined. Dean laughed weakly and reached up to push the shirt back down, freeing Castiel's head. Cas gave him a pathetic and helpless puppy dog look, his hair completely fucked up and his face red with embarrassment. Dean laughed again, and Cas pouted. "This isn't funny." 

That didn't stop Dean from laughing, and Cas pushed his arm back through its sleeve before laying down on top of Dean. "It's a little funny," Dean mentioned into Castiel's hairline as he brushed a hand down the back of Cas's head. Cas shook with one silent laugh, and Dean kissed his forehead. Cas sighed with defeat and stretched his legs out until his feet bumped the other door. "Aw, don't give up now."

"Dean."

" _Once_ , Cas." Cas lifted his head to raise an eyebrow to Dean. "We fucked  _once_ in _three weeks_." And it was true, they'd been fooling around like they did in the beginning, but they'd only had sex on Christmas Eve. It was partly because they didn't have condoms or lubricant- but they could've bought those at the gas station; it was mostly because sex was loud and messy, and they couldn't risk having Dean's family find out. Cas gave Dean an unamused expression, obviously having his resolve broken down by the clumsiness of the moment.

Dean pouted and nudged Cas with his hips. Cas sighed like he was going to give in, and Dean bent his head down to kiss him again. Cas parted his lips and fit them with Dean's with another soft breath. "Okay," he murmured.

" _Yeah-ha_ ," Dean started before he excitedly sat up and  _smack_. "-No! Damnit!" Frustrated, Dean intentionally bumped his head against the glass window two more times before slapping the backside of the seat and slumping back in defeat. Cas gave Dean a weak I-Told-You-So look, and Dean sighed. "I know. I know."

Cas kissed him gingerly, and Dean pecked him back a few times. "Are you alright?"

He pulled back and looked at Dean tiredly. Dean licked his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded. "Yeah," Dean sighed. He pressed his lips to Castiel's a couple more times. He settled back and sighed deeply again. "Yeah. You hungry?"

**Hour Eight**

Castiel plugged up his ears and gave Dean a sassy glare. “Oh so now you’re going to plug your ears? Wow, Cas, that’s really mature. You’re such a child!”

“I can’t hear you, Dean, so you might as well shut up.”

“’ _Oh I’m Castiel and I think I’m so much better than Dean and I’m a child meh-meh-meh._ ’” Dean mocked with a stank face. Castiel mocked him back in silence, rolling his eyes, still holding his fingers to his ears. Dean feverishly stared at the road ahead and kept talking. “Don’t think I didn’t see that because I saw that.”

“Oh, I know you saw it, I _wanted_ you to see it.”

Dean pointed at him accusingly. “So you admit that you can hear me! You’re just being a baby and throwing a fit-"

Cas stared at him incredulously. “ _I’m_ being a baby? Dean, I swear to God-“

“No, Cas, _I_  swear to God-“

“You’re always interrupting me! It’s like I can’t ever get a word in edgewise-“

Dean rolled his eyes. “ _Please_! You talk all the time! I can’t even believe you would say something like that. That is _such_ a _Castiel_ thing to say.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” Cas asked with a scoff.

“I think you know _exactly_ what it means.”

Cas folded his arms in front of him and kept staring at Dean. “No, Dean, I think you should tell me what it means.” Dean opened his mouth to object, but Cas cut him off. “Really, Dean. Tell me.”

“I’m not having this conversation!” Dean threw up his hand dismissively.

“Yes, we _are_ having this conversation!”

“Oh, so you just make all my decisions for me now?”

“If that’s what I have to do, yes, because it’s not like you’re capable of making the right one-“

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh _, I think you know what it means_ ,” Cas hissed quickly.

Dean scoffed and shook his head. “You know what, I’m done having this conversation. We’re stopping at Taco Bell, and that’s final.”

“That’s _final_? What gives you the right to be the deciding factor in arguments? You're so spoiled, I'm just...” Castiel pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, looking away from Dean. “Whatever, Dean, I’m tired.”

Dean let out a long, exasperated groan. “Fine! Whatever! We’ll go to Wendy’s.”

“I don’t want you to be doing me any favors,” Cas remarked bitterly. At the stop light, Dean fixed his sight on Castiel, who was avidly pretending to ignore him and sitting as far away from him as possible. Dean chuckled to himself and shook his head. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, you’re just really cute.” Cas squinted at him menacingly. Dean laughed again. “I mean it!”

“Shut up,” Cas muttered, holding back a smile and keeping a semi-straight face. Dean reached over and walked two fingers up over Cas’s shoulder, and Cas scrunched up his neck. “Stop!” He said with a laugh.

“C’mere,” Dean invited with an open arm. Castiel still refused to look at him. Dean pulled the car into the Wendy’s parking lot and tugged at Cas by his shirt. He brought Cas into his side and kissed his cheek, making Cas scrunch his nose. “Are you really mad at me?”

Cas rolled his eyes, no longer able to hold back his smile. “Yes, I am.” Dean kissed up Cas’s shoulder and his neck and over his ear. Cas grinned, and despite his answer, didn’t put up a fight. “You’re not going to charm your way out of this one, Dean. I mean it.”

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and tickled his sides, and Cas scrunched his face up, trying to fight back. Dean held him tightly so he could squirm but not escape. Dean buried his face in the side of Cas’s neck from behind. “Oh, I think I _am_.” Castiel wiggled in attempt to break free, but failed. Dean pecked kisses up and down his shoulder, neck, and cheek while tickling him with abandon.

“I hate you, get off me!”

“Admit that I’m charming!”

Dean continued tickling and kissing Cas mercilessly, rendering the smaller man breathless. “ _Fine_! You’re charming!”

“No, you gotta say ‘Dean’s the most charming, sexiest, most badass hunk in the history of the world.’”

Cas rolled his eyes and groaned out of annoyance. “’ _Dean’s the most charming, most badass_ -‘”

“You forgot sexy.”

Castiel slumped in his arms. “’ _Dean’s the most charming_ , sexiest, _most badass hunk in the world_.’”

“’In the history of the world’,” Dean corrected into Cas’s ear.

“Shut the hell up, Dean.” Dean loosened his grip and let Castiel turn around to kiss him. “Just shut up,” he mumbled into his mouth.

**Hour Twelve**

The rain was coming down harder than Dean thought it would’ve. It had been clear skies from Kansas through Colorado, but Utah was a bitch. The rain was hitting his windshield so hard and so quickly, his windshield wipers couldn’t keep up. He could actually _feel_ the wind blowing against his car. Out of all of the places they had to pass through in order to get back to California, Utah was by far the lamest, and _of course_ it was the one they had to stop at.

Dean parked his car next to the office at whatever cheap motel they stopped to stay in. He sat still, absently listening to the Aerosmith song playing from the radio. Dean didn’t even want to get out of the car because he knew he would get drenched immediately, even if the walk was only ten feet. Dean gave an annoyed sigh. _Fuck you, Richfield, Utah._ Hurriedly, Dean ran from the car and into the office. As the door swung shut behind him, a loud crack of thunder boomed.

The desk clerk snored himself awake and looked at Dean suspiciously. “What’s up?”

Dean shook the water off of his head and rolled his eyes. _This place must have outstanding reviews._ “I need a room.”

The desk clerk nodded sleepily with a yawn before clicking a few keys on the computer. “So, it’s comin’ down pretty hard out there.”

Dean stared at him. “Yeah.” Another crack of lightning, its thunder not far behind. _Obviously._

The clerk yawned again and  rested his chin on his hands, lazily clicking on the computer mouse. “Are you in from out of town, or…?”

Dean gave the guy a curious look and hesitantly replied, “Yeah.” Dean shook his head. “Look, is there any way we could speed this along? I’ve got someone waiting.”

The clerk looked at him and over to the car and back at him. “King or two queens?”

“One king,” Dean answered without a second thought. The clerk gave him a judging look and wordlessly handed him a key. Dean paid for the room and left without an extra word to him.

Once again getting absolutely soaked, he rushed to the car. “What a fucking moron,” he said tiredly to Cas. “I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“Maybe the room will be nice,” Cas replied with tired optimism.

Of course, he’d spoken too soon. The motel employee had given them a room on the second floor, which wouldn’t have been bad if the stairway was covered at all. Dean and Cas ran up the stairs as fast as they could manage, but it wasn’t fast enough since both of them ended up getting soaked all the way through their clothes, dripping with rain. To make things worse, when they got inside, Dean realized just how ugly a motel could be: raggedy carpet that wasn’t even fully attached to the floor, two lamps- one of which had a burned out bulb- and the ugliest bed Dean had ever seen.

Cas shrugged. “It could be worse.” Dean looked at him with a raised eyebrow and tight mouth. “It could be dirty.”

Dean sighed and ran his hand over his head, trying to shake off some of the dripping water out of his hair. “I guess,” he muttered flatly. He took off his shirt and threw it aside, making it hit the wall with a splat. He threw off his shoes, his socks, and his jeans and fell onto the _uncomfortable_ mattress.

“Why are you so grumpy, Dean?” Castiel peeled off his clothes as well, though picking up all of their discarded items and hanging them over the railing in the bathroom to dry.

Dean scooted up to the top of the bed and folded his arms across his chest. “Who said I’m grumpy?”

Cas walked back into the room and crawled over Dean before falling onto the bed beside him. “I did.”

“Well, I’m not.”

Cas rolled onto his side and watched Dean closely. “Something’s been bothering you, I can tell.”

“Cas, I really don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled, looking down at his knees. For a while, Castiel was silent, just observing Dean with an unreadable expression. Dean laid back and put one hand behind his head, finally making eye contact with Cas. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” He searched Cas’s eyes pleadingly. “Okay?”

Castiel nodded in return. “Okay.” Castiel bit his lip quietly. “You’ll tell me when you’re ready, right?” Dean nodded wordlessly, which Cas accepted. “Okay.”

Dean felt so much guilt about the sad look in Cas’s eyes, even if it wasn’t actually his fault, he still felt like it was. He reached a hand out and ran his fingers through Cas’s hair gently. “C’mere,” he whispered. He lightly pulled Cas against his chest and kissed his forehead. Cas held his waist and they sat in silence, just listening to the storm and the other’s heartbeat.

The motel lost power within the hour, but Dean didn’t really care. The wind was howling and the rain was beating at their windows harder than any storm he’d ever experienced. But Cas was there, and Cas was holding him, and none of it even mattered. “Are you tired?” Cas asked rather suddenly after their long time spent in quietude.

“Not really,” Dean admitted.

“Me neither.” Castiel got up from the bed, leaving Dean cold and confused. He used the light from his phone to rummage through the drawers of the bedside tables and the desk in the corner.

Dean sat up on his elbows. “Cas, what are you even looking for?”

Castiel didn’t reply, and continued searching through every part of the room. He disappeared into the darkness of the bathroom. When he reappeared, he had two candles in his hands. “I figured any place that didn’t own a backup generator must keep candles somewhere in the room just in case.”

“Smart.”

Castiel placed a candle on one bedside table and lit it with a match he found in the drawer. He did the same with the other candle, placing it on the opposite table. Both candles were old and used, but still had some life left in them. “That’s better.” He crawled back onto the bed and laid against Dean’s side, looking at his face wistfully. Dean’s chest tightened much like it always did when Cas looked at him like that, and he ignored the screaming in the back of his mind. “What are you thinking about?”

The candlelight flickered romantically against Cas’s features, and Dean felt like he was lost in the middle of the ocean just by looking into those deep blue eyes. Cas intoxicated him; from every part of Cas’s body all the way down to every spot in his soul, Dean was addicted. “You,” he confessed with a whisper. He didn’t know why, but Dean couldn’t lie. Maybe it was the storm, maybe it was the candlelight, or maybe it was just Cas, but he was already drunk without a single drop of alcohol.

Slowly, almost with caution, Castiel leaned into Dean, eyes questioningly flickering from his lips to his eyes. Dean met him in the middle and caught his lips. They kissed long and slow, neither making an effort to move at first. Dean could feel his heart pounding at his chest. Cas moved a hand up to caress Dean’s jaw, and Dean leaned into it, kissing him deeper.

Cas subtly moved backwards, bringing Dean with him. Dean laid against Castiel and brought a hand to his cheek, running a thumb over his cheekbone. They kissed for what felt like an eternity, sharing breaths that said more than they dared express with words. Dean let his hand fall from Cas’s face, fingers lightly dancing down his neck and collarbone, over his ribcage and down his waist. He could feel the goosebumps rise on Castiel’s skin as he shivered. He brought their lips apart just enough to graze them together lightly. Dean could feel his own lips shaking just as much as the air escaping Cas’s lungs.

Castiel’s tongue flirted at his teeth, and Dean reconnected their lips chastely. With a guiding hand, he sat Cas up and resituated himself so he was straddling the other man’s lap. He tenderly cupped Cas’s jaw in both of his hands, as Cas’s fingers grazed up and down his sides. Dean could feel himself quivering beneath those warm hands, but he couldn’t stop. His tongue against Castiel’s silently pronounced the words his heart so desperately wanted to confess.

The hands on his waist wrapped around him and brought him closer. They slowly rocked together, pelvis to pelvis, chest to chest, lips to lips. He could feel Cas’s barely-clothed hardness pressing against his ass. He brought one hand to hold the back of Castiel’s neck and twine into his hair, the other hand falling to Cas’s collarbone. His hand floated with every long breath of Cas’s chest, their bodies still swimming together effortlessly.

Strong hands caressed his back, fingers pressing into his skin. Cas parted their lips and lightly grazed his teeth over Dean’s jaw and down his neck, slightly licking over the sensitive spots of his skin. Dean let his head fall back and tried to fight back the fluttering in his chest. Castiel pressed small kisses to the curves of his collar and across each of his shoulders before slowly coming back up his neck, lip dragging across his skin as Cas's teeth traced his jaw again. Dean resealed their mouths, and Castiel let out a tiny mewl, and Dean melted in return.

Still moving languidly together, Cas’s hands explored down Dean’s abdomen before resting on his hips, holding onto him and moving Dean the way he wanted. Dean parted his lips as Castiel brought Dean's hips down to meet every upward rock of Cas’s, bringing them impossibly close together. Dean opened his eyes just enough to look into Castiel’s, who was gazing at him with a look so tender and reverent, Dean would never have been able to imagine it in his sweetest dreams.

Cas kept one hand rocking Dean’s hips, the other moving under his ass and down his thighs before sliding up the leg of his boxers and holding onto his ass. Dean closed his eyes again and traced his lips over Cas’s as he held onto Cas’s shoulders. Castiel whispered silent words across his mouth and held him as he laid Dean on his back. He slid their lips back together and held the sides of Dean’s hips, still moving them with his. Their pace increased ever so slightly, and Dean’s hands ran up and down Cas’s arms and back eagerly, getting lost in the movements of their bodies. He completely lost track of where he ended and Castiel began.

Without parting their mouths longer than necessary, Castiel moved so he could remove each of their last remaining articles of clothing and brought them back together. He brought his hand up to frame Dean’s jaw and kissed him amorously. Dean let out a small moan and rocked his ass against Castiel’s groin, wrapping his legs around Cas’s waist. Cas held onto the small of his back and kept them together moving subtly. He moved his mouth to kiss Dean’s cheek and over his ear, his fingers making their way to Dean’s mouth. Dean’s tongue reached out to taste his fingers. Castiel watched the way he licked the tips of his fingers, breathing wordless encouragements against his ear and mouthing at the place where Dean's neck met his jaw.

Dean sucked on two of Cas’s fingers wetly while he had the chance before Cas resituated their hips and began fingering himself. Somewhere in the pit of Dean's stomach, there was a feeling somewhere between relief and disappointment; consciously, he knew he wasn't ready to take that last step for himself yet, but still... Dean pushed aside the train of thought and rubbed his hand from Cas’s shoulders down to where his hands disappeared between his legs and felt Castiel move against himself, urging him on. Castiel moaned with Dean’s name on his tongue, and Dean kissed down Cas’s neck and licked over the curves of his collar. Dean inserted one of his own fingers alongside Cas’s and helped him, his other hand holding onto the back of Cas’s neck.

Dean murmured words of admiration against Castiel’s glistening skin, catching his eyes as Cas mewled again. One of the candles slowly dwindled down and faded, leaving only one to illuminate the skin he found himself lost in. The rain fell against the roof restlessly, encouraging them to forget the world around them. Dean moved his other hand between Cas’s legs and guided it so Cas was straddling his lap. His hands both trailed up and over Cas’s arms on either side of him, one holding the back of his neck and bringing his lips back to meet his. In one long motion, he lined his cock up with Cas’s hole and Cas moved to fully seat himself on it with a muffled gasp.

They both parted their dream-filled eyes, stopped moving and just breathed together. The last flicker of candle burned out and left them with nothing but the moon to light their features. Other than the rain falling heavier still, the world around them stopped turning. Despite the cover of night, Dean could see Cas more clearly than ever. He wanted to memorize every inch of his face, every inch of his body, and every single piece of his soul. He wanted to keep Cas locked away in his mind forever.

A flash of light and a crack of thunder sounded in the distance. Dean didn’t know how long they’d stayed like this- Cas’s warm, shaking body on top of his, just gazing into each other’s eyes and breathing heavily. He didn’t know, and he didn’t care because this moment could last forever- it _should_ last forever- because the world had stopped turning just for them. _Just for us._

“Dean…” Cas whispered his name almost too quietly to hear. “I…” Dean placed his thumb over Cas’s lips, a motion Castiel understood. Dean moved his hand to caress his cheek, feeling Cas lean into it before placing a kiss on his palm.

Castiel was visibly shaking when he reunited their lips. Dean couldn’t blame him because he was trembling too. There was lightning in his veins, thunder in his chest; Castiel was the hurricane that brought him to life. All he could care about was touching Cas, feeling Cas, because when the world stopped turning, the only thing left was “ _Cas_ …”

Softly, he felt Castiel’s hips rise and fall, pushing the breath from his lungs. Without tearing his eyes from Cas’s, he kissed him again, gently and passionately. His fingers pressed into Castiel’s skin as he felt him move against him. Cas moaned softly against Dean’s lips as he moved more effortlessly, rising and falling as consistently as the moon, changing the tides in Dean’s blood.

His hips rocked with Cas’s, moving up into every fall of Castiel’s waist. Dean closed his eyes as Castiel kissed him deeper. He melted into the kiss, and his hands trailed to hold Cas’s thighs so he could feel every muscle work in his legs. Cas’s hands met his for a few exchanges of breath, a few heartbeats, and pulled them off of his thighs. Cas pressed them to the mattress above his head and their fingers interlocked as fittingly as their lips. Every inch of them seemed to fit together so seamlessly, as though they were partnering puzzle pieces.

Dean raised his knees and pulled his hands behind his head, bringing also Cas’s hands. With Cas’s arms around his neck, he used the better angle of his hips to get deeper inside of Castiel, thrusting into him so profoundly, Castiel had to break their kiss to moan helplessly. Dean groaned and thrust into him deeper still, keeping their mouths never more than an inch apart. “ _Dean_.”

In one long motion, he rolled over so Cas was on his back with his legs wrapped around Dean’s waist. He pulled back and buried himself back inside of Castiel, stifling a louder moan with Cas’s lips. Their fingers still locked, he encircled Cas’s head with his arms and felt Cas’s hips roll and match every move he made. Ardently, Dean kissed up and down Cas’s neck and grazed his teeth against his jaw as their hips rolled together. He couldn’t help but murmur sweet nothings into the heat of Cas's sweat-glistening skin.

Dean let go of one of Cas’s hands and reached down to hoist Cas's leg higher up and over his arm. “ _Oh_!” Castiel moaned Dean’s name wantonly with every long, slow forward motion of Dean’s pelvis; Dean punctuated every full movement with a deeper roll and twist of his hips. Castiel mumbled incoherently under his breath with his eyes closed, trying to wordlessly encourage Dean’s hips to move faster. But Dean wanted to go as long and deep as possible, sweating with restraint. Cas pleaded breathlessly over and over again, both of his hands holding onto Dean’s hand by his head.

Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s chastely before plowing into him with five hard thrusts, punctuating the last one with a tender roll of his hips. Dean whispered against Cas’s lips, unsure of what he was even saying, just that the words were falling out of him helplessly. He pulled Cas’s hands to his chest where Cas pressed his hand to Dean’s heart. Dean held it there, resting their foreheads together as they glided together passionately.

He let go of Cas’s leg where it remained on his shoulder. He placed the hand on the small of Castiel’s back and pulled them closer together, sitting all the way up on his knees and getting impossibly deep into Cas. He put his hand behind Cas’s neck and kept their lips together, tongues dancing restlessly. Their pace quickened feverishly with a bright crack of lightning, moaning with abandon but neither willing to part their lips. Dean moved his other hand to hold the other side of Castiel’s neck as he propelled his hips into Cas’s intensely. With a long, stifled whimper, Cas climaxed between them. Less than seconds later, Dean peaked with him, burying his orgasm deep inside of Cas.

Their sweat-soaked bodies stilled as they continued kissing, their chests heaving and breathless. Castiel’s hand was still pressed against his pounding heart, and Dean moved his hand to feel Cas’s heart in return to find that it was beating just as heavy and fast as his own. Their kiss eased from fervent to soft and chaste. Slowly, Dean eased his softening cock from Cas and shuddered.

Dean rolled onto his side, pulling Castiel to lay against him as they continued to kiss. Dean ran his hands up and down Cas’s shoulders slowly before reaching for his hands. Their fingers flirted like shy lovers, meeting from palm to fingertip before twining together. With a deep breath and one last tender kiss, Dean gently pulled his lips back and rested their foreheads together.

Neither spoke as the rain seemingly subsided into a consistent but gentle downpour against the roof and window. Dean rubbed his nose gently against Cas’s nose and cheek, placing one small kiss to his lips. He opened his eyes and tried to memorize the way Castiel looked at that exact moment. He knew there weren’t perfect enough words he could ever use to describe Cas, not enough words in the dictionary to ever articulate exactly what it was that he felt. Whatever it was, he felt it so desperately and hopelessly, it had settled into the deepest parts of him. The feeling resided in every fiber of his being- in his skin, in his bones, in his heart and pumping through his veins. When Cas’s ocean eyes finally opened and met his, Dean's heart knew exactly what the feeling was, and it scared him down to his core. His brain refused to define the notion with the one word that came to mind.

“Hi,” Cas whispered with an innocent smile.

Dean couldn’t help but smile and kiss him in return. “Hi.”

He and Cas kissed gently for what could’ve been minutes, hours- lifetimes, maybe- just holding each other. Eventually they just laid there and stared into each other’s eyes silently. Dean softly stroked Cas’s cheek before bringing him close. Castiel turned around so his back perfectly fit into Dean’s curled body much like they’d grown so used to. Dean held his arm across Cas’s chest, fingers lightly grazing over Cas’s collarbone as they stared out the dark window. Castiel’s arm rested against his and he placed his hand over Dean’s, their fingers locking. Cas nestled his head closer into the pillow and he sighed contentedly. “I love the rain,” he said softly.

That dude in the back of his mind wasn't even screaming anymore (which is saying a lot because that loser's been around to make Dean miserable ever since he first saw a pair of blue eyes behind a paperback cover of _Anna Karenina_ over a year and a half ago, just screaming more and more, louder and louder over time until it was just a constant ringing in Dean's head every time Cas was even within eyesight), he was just curled up in a ball and hyperventilating. Dean ignored himself and nuzzled closer to the warmth of Cas's body, holding his hand tighter, and kissed the back of his neck. “I love the rain, too.”

They stayed like that for a long time. Dean couldn’t sleep. Dean didn’t know what time it was, but the sky wasn’t black anymore. Something was eating at him and he couldn’t hold it in. “Hey, Cas,” he whispered. Cas didn’t respond. “ _Cas_.” He repeated his name a little louder, but the other boy was sound asleep. Dean sighed with relief. “Cas, I gotta tell you something… And I’m kinda glad you’re not awake because I’d probably chicken out if you were,” he whispered with a chuckle. He rested his chin on Cas’s shoulder, watching his dreaming face. _Don’t say it. It’s fine; it’ll pass._

Dean sighed again. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Cas. I just don’t know. I-” Dean shook his head. “You... make me a better person. You make me a better version of myself, anyways. Nobody else has gotten to me quite like you.” He swallowed the lump that was rising in his throat. “I used to be able to pretend like I was… normal. Y’know? I could ignore the thoughts that would come at night. They’d pass with time. But now…” He cleared his throat, growing hoarse. “I can’t. You won’t let me. Cas…”

Castiel purred in his slumber and snuggled into Dean subconsciously. A tear fell onto Dean’s cheek as his body naturally leaned into it. “Cas, I’ve never- I’ve never felt this way before, and I don’t know if I can handle it,” he murmured, another tear falling from his eye. “It scares me so much. You… you scare me, Cas. You scare me because I’m afraid of how I feel about you. So, I guess I scare myself, and you just kinda bring it out of me.” He rolled his eyes, annoyed with how he couldn’t stop his eyes from watering. He chuckled humorlessly. “I swear to God…” He cleared his throat again and kissed Cas’s shoulder and watched his eyes flutter as he dreamed. “Cas, I think I- I _know_ that I- I…” He sighed pathetically. “I can’t say it… But I do." Dean shut his eyes and pressed his lips to Cas's skin, hoping that maybe he could speak the words right into Cas's system so that he would know. "I do so much, Cas.”

He hummed a tune that wouldn’t leave his head. “ _I could stay awake just to hear you breathing_ ,” he sang in a whispered lullaby, gently rocking Cas. “ _Watch you smile while you are sleepin’, while you’re far away and dreamin’… I could spend my life in this sweet surrender. I could stay lost in this moment_ ,” Dean’s voice croaked as he choked on the words. “- _forever. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure_.” He stroked Cas’s jaw softly, tears flowing onto his cheeks helplessly. “ _I don’t wanna close my eyes… I don’t wanna fall asleep ‘cause I’d miss you, baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thing._ ” He sniffed and wiped his face with his free hand before kissing Cas’s shoulder again and holding him closely. “ _Even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do. I’d still miss you, baby… And I don’t wanna miss a thing_.”


	20. January 4-10, 2014

When the boys finally arrived back at campus, it was nightfall again. Castiel was exhausted even though he’d slept almost the whole way back. Dean looked far worse for wear; his eyes were bloodshot, and he didn't seem to be well-rested by any means. Before getting out of the car, the two sat and just looked solemnly at the dormitory. Cas sighed. “I suppose it’s... back to normal now,” he mentioned with a halfhearted smile.

Dean licked his lips and switched off the ignition without looking at him. “I guess so.”

Reluctantly, the two finally got out of the car and carried their luggage in the direction of the dorms. Cas swayed closer to Dean subconsciously, their hands grazing against each other every few moments. Castiel vividly remembered the dream he’d had the night before, wherein Dean had finally confessed that he loved Cas. _But_ , Cas thought while glancing over at Dean’s unreadable expression, _it was just a dream. Maybe there’s something there, but maybe it’s all in my head._

Wordlessly, they walked together up the stairs and to their room. Walking back into their untouched room after a three-week vacation was a little off-putting. The walls were still the bland off-white color, the desks were still plain and undecorated; Dean’s unmade bedsheets were still blue, and Cas’s bed was still grey and white. The air was stale and cold. Nothing had changed, and yet everything felt different. “Home sweet home,” Dean mumbled flatly, tossing his duffel bag aside.

They numbly went about their old nightly routines. Castiel took a hot shower to warm up, but his skin couldn’t feel the warmth no matter how hot he turned the water. He heard Dean come into the bathroom to brush his teeth silently. He tried to scrub the numbness from his skin, tried to snap out of the lull his brain had fallen into, but it was useless. _Maybe I just need to sleep._ Dean finished brushing his teeth and washed his face in the sink before exiting the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Cas stepped out of the shower and it was only then his body realized just how cool the room was. He shivered involuntarily.

Re-entering the bedroom, the only light on was the lamp on Castiel’s desk. He could tell Dean was already in his bed, facing the wall. Castiel’s heart pricked sadly. Cas pulled out a pair of sweatpants and his overly-large hoodie and got dressed. Even underneath the extra layers, he couldn’t feel warm. He turned off his lamp and crawled into his own bed and underneath the covers.

Somehow, Cas felt even colder. His teeth chattered quietly as he wrapped his arms around himself and closed his eyes tightly. In that moment, he resented his bed; he hated the way it felt- cold and uncomfortable- and the way it smelled. How was he expected to sleep in a bed so unforgiving? He curled into himself tighter, bringing his blanket up above his head and his arms inside his hoodie. _I don’t remember this room ever really getting this cold- the thermostat must be broken._ He heard the springs of Dean’s bed squeak as Dean tossed and turned heavily. Dean huffed to himself. Cas tried to calm his nerves and stop shivering. Yet no matter how hard he tried, his bed remained bitter.

The springs of Dean’s bed squeaked a few more times again and moments later, Cas's blanket was lifting behind him. His bed sagged under the weight of Dean as he crawled under the covers with him. Wordlessly, he scooted over to allow Dean more space before they settled close together, Dean pressed against his back. Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’s waist and pulled him in tighter, nuzzling his face against his hair. Soon after, Castiel stopped shuddering and was lulled to sleep by Dean’s steady breath on the back of his neck.

**& &**

Life was finally back to “normal,” as Dean and Castiel would have everyone believe, and the boys had settled into a mostly-comfortable routine. Cas woke up earlier in the mornings than Dean and headed right to class. Dean wouldn’t have class until almost noon, so he typically just stayed in the room and read whatever book Cas had recommended, not finding himself all that interested in joining the outside world more often than necessary. His heartburn was back with a vengeance, burning like goddamn acid in his chest and his stomach pretty much every time he was with his friends, so Dean stayed holed up in their room whenever he wasn't in class or at work.

Castiel went to work after his classes were done, where he stayed well into the night. During the day, Dean and Castiel barely spent any time with each other. Nobody outside of their room would have been able to guess how they shared their nights: wrapped in each other’s arms, chatting and laughing about anything and everything- and usually fucking each other senseless. Nobody but them would be able to guess that Cas was the only person that made Dean feel safe anymore, that Cas was the only person Dean wanted to spend his time with, that being with Cas was the only way he could feel okay anymore and that every second Cas wasn't around, Dean felt like something was wrong.

Dean didn’t think it was suspicious that he and Cas rarely spent time together in public- actually, he figured it was the exact opposite. Unfortunately for him, after a few days, people started wondering what had happened to the guy he considered his best friend. This particular Friday evening, Castiel had told him to go out and see his friends. Despite his best efforts to stay home, he was out playing pool with Victor and Adam, and they had questions.

Adam had brought it up. They were bullshitting around like they always did when they were together; drinking beers, talking about chicks (even if Dean pretended he had more to contribute to the topic than he actually did), and shooting pool. It was a great time until Milligan had to go put his nose into other people’s business. “So, I have been wondering something,” Adam had started. Dean shot a ball into the corner pocket and moved onto his next shot. “What’s up with you and Castiel?”

Dean choked and completely missed the cue ball altogether. He cleared his throat as nonchalantly as possible. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just that you two were so tight before the holidays, and now you barely speak. It’s just weird, man,” Adam replied from his seat on the barstool, sipping his beer.

“Yeah, seriously. What happened? I see him around campus all the time, but you guys just never hang anymore,” Victor added while taking his turn. He missed the shot and frowned.

 _A guy can’t go five days without being seen with his friend and suddenly everyone’s up his ass? I thought this was America._ Dean shrugged. “I really don’t know what y’all are talking about. I mean, he’s my roommate, I don’t really need to hang out with him all the time.” His friends didn’t look very convinced. “What?”

Victor exchanged a look with Adam before speaking up again. “You just seem different, is all.”

Dean shifted on his weight to the pool stick and played dumb, trying not to seem too eager to change the subject. “I don’t know what to tell you guys. We’re just busy, alright?”

“I’m just saying… We thought something might’ve been up with you two.”

“Well, nothing’s up,” he snapped, rubbing his palm firmly over his chest and wincing.

Adam put up his hands in forfeit. “Whatever you say, man.” Dean huffed and finished off his beer, deciding it was his last one because it was making his heartburn act up, while Adam took his shot and barely made his ball in the pocket before scratching. Adam cursed under his breath. “But if nothing’s up, then why doesn’t he come with you to hang out?”

“Oh my god, it’s not like he lives in my ass. The guy’s busy,” he spat in annoyance. He shook his head. “Y’know what, you two are the ones who are always up each other’s asses. Do I harass you whenever y’all _aren’t_ together?”

Victor laughed lightheartedly. “No, but then again, we’re not as tight as you and Cas.”

“We’re not as tight as them?” Adam questioned, turning his attention to Victor.

“Not even close,” Victor answered. _Really, not even a little close._

Adam half-shrugged. “We did watch porn together once.”

Dean looked amusingly at the two, trying not to bust out laughing. “Oh my _god_ , no we didn’t! _You_ watched porn on _my_ laptop, and that’s the end of that.”

“Yeah, but you watched it, too!” Victor face-palmed and gave up, inciting more laughter from Dean. “It was practically like watching it together.”

Dean snorted. “God, you two are flaming.”

“Nah, Vic’s not really my type,” Adam goofed with a chuckle.

“It’s because I’m black.”

Adam looked offended at Victor’s flat statement. “I didn’t say that! Why would you say that?" Dean laughed at how genuinely hurt Adam looked at the accusation. Adam shook his head in disappointment. "You’re just too butch.” Adam crossed his arms and thought hard. “Yeah, I think if I was into dudes, I’d rather be with someone less masculine than me.”

“Dude, nobody’s less masculine than you,” Dean rebutted with a grin. Dean laughed and cleaned up their game. Adam punched him in the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just bein’ real.”

“There are plenty of dudes who are less masculine… Like…” Adam drifted off into thought, sending Victor and Dean into laughing fits. “I’m sure I’ll think of someone.”

“Okay, buddy.” Victor patted him on the head patronizingly. “Oh shit, that reminds me. You know Brady?”

Dean frowned. “Vaguely… Wasn’t he that asshole that got kicked off the lacrosse team last year?”

“Yeah. So, he came back from the break with a boyfriend.” Vic raised his eyebrows for emphasis.

“Brady’s queer now?” Adam asked with disbelief.

Dean rolled his eyes, feeling a little attacked. “He’s not just _suddenly_ gay. That’s not how it works.”

“Yeah, man, educate yourself. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s not ‘gay,’ for the record.” Victor shrugged, kicking back in his chair. “When he was talking about it, someone asked about the chicks he’d been with, and he said he still liked women. He just also likes dudes.”

“Good for him,” Dean mumbled. _Must be nice to have options._ “So what if he’s not straight? It’s his life, right?”

“I guess, man… It’s just kinda weird. He was… bi or whatever, and none of us even knew,” Adam remarked. Victor nodded passively. “What if he, like, wanted to fuck me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Dean chided, trying not to sound disappointed in the attitude of his friend. “You’re no Tayte Hanson.”

Adam and Victor looked at each other with strange faces. “Who the fuck is Tayte Hanson?”

Dean almost responded honestly before remembering _exactly_ who Tayte Hanson was. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Just some guy I know from class. I thought you knew him.”

Victor grinned. “Is he sexy? You got the hots for him, Winchester?”

Dean felt his chest grow hot. “Dude, shut up. It’s just if someone like Brady wanted to fuck someone we knew, it sure as hell wouldn’t be Adam. He was just the first guy I could think of.” Secretly, he was very,  _very_ relieved that his friends were straight and had no idea who he was talking about.

Victor and Adam let his comment slide after a little light joking. “Speaking of dudes Winchester is gay for, we should go by ‘Brews on the way back.” If it were possible, Dean felt himself grow redder under his collar. He remained silent on the matter, but mentally reminded himself to go to the store in the morning because he took the last of the medicine this afternoon after class. Adam lightly pushed his shoulder. “Come on, you know I’m like the brother you never had.”

“Actually, I already have a brother, so you can just burn in hell, Adam,” Dean remarked.

Victor ooh’ed and laughed as they walked in the direction of the coffee shop a few buildings away.  After a few moments of silence, Victor spoke up again. “Oh my god, do you remember when Milligan was crushin’ on Cas?”

Dean shot him a surprised look. “I didn't know that.”

Adam sighed. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you I did not have a crush on him. He’s just an attractive dude, that’s all.”

Dean nodded inwardly. _That’s the understatement of the century._ Victor shook his head. “Nah, you totally wanted to jump his bones.”

“Okay, you know what, maybe if I was into guys, I’d date someone like Cas. He seems nice. He looks like he’d be a good boyfriend.” Dean smiled to himself and put his hands in his pockets, watching the ground. “Bet he’s probably really shy in bed, though.”

Dean snorted before he could stop himself ( _because Jesus Christ, you couldn’t be more wrong_ ) and the boys looked at him with accusing faces. Dean coughed awkwardly. “Probably,” he inserted with a shrug.

By the time they reached the coffee shop, Dean’s face was red with wind burns against his cheeks. He was grateful for the warmth of the store, even if he kind of wished he was anywhere else. When he turned the corner and saw Cas, his heart warmed up without burning, just melting the numbness of his wind-burned skin from the inside out. His heart always did that these days, and Dean was getting fed up with it. He really needed to see a doctor.

Cas met his eyes and beamed at him. He could see Castiel’s mouth moving, though they were too far to hear him, and suddenly Charlie popped up from behind the counter and waved at him with a big grin. “Hey! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” Charlie left from behind the counter and gave Dean a tight hug, pulling a smile out of him. “You didn’t come out with us the other night.”

“Yeah.” Dean rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “I had to work. You know how it goes.” Charlie nodded and started babbling about _something_ to him and the other guys while Castiel quietly worked on cleaning something. Dean walked over to the counter and leaned over it on his elbows. “Hey, Cas.” His tone was purposefully friendly and platonic.

Castiel gave him a humoring look. “Hello, Dean,” he said with a hint of a question. “Did you have fun with the guys?”

Dean hadn’t noticed that over the last few months, Cas slowly stopped belonging to the group of friends he referred to as ‘the guys’. Dean quickly dismissed the lingering idea of Cas being ‘his guy’ and shrugged passively. “I guess. Nothing special.” He absently fidgeted with the straws next to the register. “How’s work going?”

Castiel sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “In a word: terrible. Zachariah expects us to basically take this whole store apart and clean every inch of it in preparation for the inspection tomorrow morning- which by the way, I have to work now. It’s so moronic. I don’t understand why it’s _our_ responsibility to do everything when he’s the only one who would be getting a bonus if we pass the inspection. And-” Cas shook his head in frustration. “-And he’s making me work almost 50 hours this week, but yet he won’t stop riding my ass about overtime.” Castiel took a deep breath and rolled his eyes, looking away from the cappuccino machine. “I’m just ready to go home and go to sleep.”

“You and me both.” Cas looked so exhausted, Dean wanted nothing more than to lean over the counter and kiss him in the hopes it would make him feel better. Instead he just looked down at his hands. “Hey, Cas... I’ve been thinking." He swallowed thickly, feeling Cas watching him. "Do you think we could talk-"

“Hey, _Cas_ ,” Victor called from over Dean’s shoulder as he sauntered towards them. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

Cas nodded awkwardly. “I’ve been around.”

“Around where?”

Castiel shrugged and returned to cleaning the machine. “Just around. I’m taking a full course load and my boss has me working over 40 hours a week, so it gets a little difficult to have a social life.”

“We actually thought you and Dean might’ve had a falling out and weren’t friends anymore.” He chuckled lightly and crossed his arms, looking back and forth between the two of them. “But I’m glad to see that’s clearly not the case here.”

Dean tried not to look at Victor or Cas directly, but he could tell Cas was uncomfortable because of the pained expression in his cheeks and the way he rubbed at his own chest. Dean moved away from Castiel subconsciously and shuffled on his feet. They suffered through an uncomfortable silence until Charlie came back to continue cleaning. “So, anyways,  I was just telling Cas about how Jo and I wanted to go back to that open mic coffee shop place in town, and you two should totally come.”

Dean shrugged and before he could respond, his- _annoying_ \- friends interjected. “A double date?”

“It’s four friends hanging out,” Charlie clarified with a questioning tone.

Adam let out a dumb, drunk laugh. “Yeah, but in a gay way.”

Dean chewed on his lip, glancing at Cas who was busy not being a part of the conversation. Charlie, however, was staring at Adam skeptically. She didn’t say anything to him, instead just shaking her head dismissively and turning her attention to Dean. “ _Anyways_ , you should come.”

Dean nodded casually. “Yeah, if I’m not busy.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to stop himself from checking Cas for any sort of nonverbal communication. But Cas was unreceptive anyways, so it didn’t matter. “We should, uh,” he motioned towards the exit.

He ignored the disappointment on Charlie’s face and moved to leave. After Victor and Adam squeezed in a few more inebriated and ill-advised words, they eventually decided to leave as well. On his way out, Dean looked over his shoulder back at Castiel, who was watching him closely. Cas caught his eye and winked when they knew nobody was looking and Dean bit back a smile before turning around the corner out of the shop.

 

**& &**

Castiel smiled to himself after Dean finally disappeared around the corner. Things were going really well- in private, anyways. Before, Cas really hadn't let himself believe that maybe Dean felt the same way about him, but there was just this feeling in his chest... Cas had felt something that Dean was always complaining about- blaming it on this, that, or the other- and that was how he knew. Well, he didn't  _know_ , but he'd finally let himself see a glimmer of hope for them.

Ever since they started their… ‘thing,’ Dean had been acting more and more comfortable with Cas, all the while becoming even less comfortable around everyone else. Dean’s always been a little antisocial, but lately, he just seemed unhappy to even leave their room. Castiel had to practically force him to spend time with his friends, it seemed. Yet, Cas wouldn’t deny the fact that he might’ve been a little happy that Dean’s face lit up when he was around. It made him feel special.

He didn’t want to admit it, but a small part of him wanted to be selfish and let Dean keep himself holed up in the room, just spending all his time with Cas, but he knew it would just end up hurting Dean in the end. Dean had a lot to work through, after all, and he wasn’t going to get in the way of that. _Didn’t he say he wanted to talk? What does he want to talk about? Is he going to break up with me? Well… Not necessarily “break up,” I suppose… Maybe-_

“Hey, you’ve been super quiet tonight.” Charlie’s voice snapped him out of his daze. He blinked slowly and looked up at her. She tilted her head and observed him. “Is something eating you?”

He desperately wanted to tell Charlie. Honestly, he wanted to tell _anyone_. Their secret was a heavy burden to carry between just the two of them. “I’m fine.” And that wasn’t completely a lie- just maybe wasn’t the entire truth either.

Charlie looked at him accusingly and crossed her arms. “Tell me.”

Cas sighed and closed his eyes. He could feel the words come up, and he knew it was time. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Okay…” Charlie’s face lit up immediately. “But you can’t tell _anyone_. Seriously. Not even Jo. Nobody.”

Charlie squealed excitedly and danced on her heels. “Fine, okay, whatever, just tell me!”

He licked at his lips to prevent his mouth from going dry. “I’ve kind of been… We’ve kind of been hooking up- Dean and I.” Saying the words out loud felt so strange, like they were suddenly becoming real.

Charlie burst with excitement and jumped in place. “I knew it! I knew it! I totally knew it!” Cas tried to shush her, but she was wide open. “Oh my god, this is amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier- oh, don’t tell Jo that- but _wow_ …” Charlie took a deep breath and stabilized. “Since the holidays?” Cas glanced at her awkwardly. “Longer than that?”

Cas cleared his throat. “I think it was actually… Yes, I think it might’ve started around the second week of September.”

Suddenly, Charlie hit him in the shoulder, and he gave her a confused look. “ _Four months_ , and you’re just _now_ telling me?!” Castiel started to defend himself, but he should’ve figured he wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise for a while. “I can’t believe you guys didn’t tell us… I can’t believe we didn’t _know_. I mean, we suspected- women are very intuitive, you know- but we just figured it was sexual tension or something. Oh my God! Like at the Halloween party? I _knew_ you couldn’t fake that!” Charlie leaned against the counter and stared wistfully into the distance. “Wow.”

There were so many words Castiel could’ve said- wanted to say- but couldn’t articulate. “Yes,” he agreed before going back to cleaning.

Charlie was quiet for a while, surprisingly. “So… So, like, are you dating? Do you love him? Does he love you? I didn’t even know you were gay-"

Cas cut her off. “Not exactly. I think so. I’m not sure. And I’m not.”

Charlie lost her train of thought halfway through Castiel’s answers, visibly trying to connect the answers. “Wait, okay. So you’re ‘not exactly’ dating? What does that mean?”

Cas shrugged. “It’s complicated. We both have a lot to work through, and he’s just not ready to admit it to himself, I think. His brother told me he loved me,” he added quietly, looking away from her.

“ _What?_ He told his brother he loved you? O-M-G-!”

“No, no. Sam told me he could tell. Dean’s pretty far from ready to say anything like that. Especially to his family.” Cas chewed on his lip, trying to focus on cleaning, but it was hard. He was talking about this secret for the first time, and it felt so good to say all the things weighing on his chest. “He’s so different when we’re alone, Charlie. I can’t even really explain it.” Charlie looked up at him romantically and sighed. “Dean’s sensitive. And he cares so deeply.” Cas shook his head and leaned against the appliance he was supposed to clean. “It’s like… It’s as if I can look into his eyes and we can make the world stop turning. He makes me feel like nobody else exists outside of the two of us.”

Charlie placed a hand on her chest. “Aww, Cas. That’s _sickeningly_ romantic. I can’t believe this… And so, you’re not gay?”

Cas shook his head. “Nope. I’m pretty comfortable with that. I’ve never really been attracted to another man before. I never even intended on being anything other than platonic with Dean; it was all his idea. I just kind of went along with it.” He bobbed his head awkwardly. “And now here we are.”

“I’ve always wanted a bisexual best friend.” She winked at him, and Cas smiled at the ground. “What about Dean?”

“I think he has to figure that out for himself first. It would be wrong of me to put his business out there.” Charlie understood and proceeded to ask him for more information. “What else is there?”

“Everything, Cas. How it started, when you knew it was _love_ , and just everything! I’m too excited to think.”

Cas chuckled, insisting they talk as they clean. _Because I definitely don’t want to be here all night_. “I’m not sure how it started. We were just getting high and watching a movie-"

“Getting high _and_ having sex with Dean? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore,” she joked.

“ _Anyways_ , something just happened and we started kissing. And it was surprising, to say the least. Then he just kind of came up the idea of a no-strings-attached ‘friends with benefits’ situation. I don’t know what I was thinking, honestly, but I agreed to it nonetheless.”

“It was destiny,” Charlie whispered dreamily. Cas chuckled and rolled his eyes. Charlie had never been quite like this before Jo; he halfway resented Jo for practically spoiling Charlie into becoming a Disney Princess. He finished cleaning the kitchen and gathered a bucket of mop water as Charlie finished sweeping. “Well, don’t just leave a sister hanging.”

“Well, after that, we mostly just found our rhythm.”

“What’s the sex like?” Charlie asked abruptly.

“Um… Well,” Castiel exhaled and set his lips in a tight line. “Well, it’s better than I expected- _much_ better than I expected, actually. We didn’t just jump into it, though, it took a while before we did, erm... _that_.”

“I need _details_ , Cas! Stop being so vague! Now tell me: who’s the bottom?” She demanded. Castiel burst into laughter and wiped the sweat from his face. “It’s Dean, isn’t it?”

“What makes you think that?”

Charlie grinned at him knowingly. “Oh. _Oh_ , I see.” Castiel blushed and rolled his eyes again. “I'll be honest, that's kinda surprising. Dean’s such a bottom.”

Cas gave her a half-shrug and began mopping. “I can see how you’d make that assumption… But, honestly, it’s not really about the sex anymore. Don’t get me wrong, that’s definitely what it was about for the majority of the time, but after Dean helped me through some of my issues, things just kind of changed. We originally set rules, as dumb as it sounds.”

“Rules? What, like, sexy rules?” Charlie gathered their stuff and clocked out, sitting on the counter to wait for Castiel.

Cas laughed again, remembering the time Dean said the same thing. “More like ‘No falling in love’ rules.” Charlie gave him an ironic look, for which he couldn't really blame her. “But a lot changed over the holidays. I don’t know…” Castiel cleaned up the last of his mess and joined her on the counter. “I’m hopeful, but I can’t help but have my doubts." He paused before looking at her earnestly. "I think I love him, Charlie.”

Charlie smiled happily and wrapped her arms around Cas's shoulders and brought him in for a tight hug. “I think he loves you too, babe," she said into the fabric of his shirt before letting go. “Dean’s a stubborn jerk sometimes, but you know him better than any of us. You’d know if he didn’t love you back. Plus, even his brother said he can tell how he feels. That’s saying a lot.”

Cas nodded. “You’re right. I’m probably worried for no good reason. Thank you for being so great about this.”

“Of course." Charlie pulled him in for another warm hug- one where Cas could actually hug her back. "I’m so happy for you guys.” When she pulled back, they headed for the exit. “Just for future reference, don’t keep secrets from me ever again. I’ve got a tough girlfriend, and she’ll kick your ass. Hell, _I'll_ even kick your ass.”

Cas laughed as he locked the door behind them. “I promise. You’ll be the first to know anytime anything happens to me from now on.” Charlie nodded her approval and they said goodbye before heading in separate directions.

The night was uncomfortably cold on his face. He hadn’t realized how late it actually was until he checked his phone for messages. It was almost 3 am, and he had two unread messages waiting on his phone.

_New Message: Dean: "Sorry for ditching. I’m having a weird night."_

_New Message: Dean: "Not feelin too hot. Gonna go to bed. Talk to you in the morning.”_

Castiel sighed dejectedly upon reading them. He’d hoped they could talk when he got back to their dorm room, but it really was late. He couldn’t blame Dean that much. When he finally reached his room, all of the lights were off and Dean was fast asleep in his own bed.

Castiel undressed and put on his sweatpants and one of Dean’s tee shirts that he’d claimed as his own. Cas sat on his bed and watched Dean sleep for a few minutes, observing the tense look on his face despite the steady, relaxing breaths in his chest. Dean was on his stomach, arms clinging to Castiel’s favorite pillow. His legs were only partially covered by the blanket on top of him. Dean snored gracelessly and tossed in his slumber so he was curled up on his side and facing the wall. Watching Dean sleep reminded Cas of how thoroughly exhausted he was, and he tried to lay down on his bed and get comfortable.

As expected, it was no use. He hadn’t slept alone in almost three weeks, he didn't even know why he'd bothered. Cas got up from his bed and crawled into Dean’s. Dean’s body automatically adjusted so that Cas could comfortably fit behind his, Cas's arms wrapping around his waist. Dean sighed and cozied his back against Cas’s chest, smacking his lips before going back to snoring. Castiel smiled to himself, hugged Dean tighter to his body and kissed the back of his neck. _Goodnight, Dean._


	21. January 12-13, 2014

Castiel could tell it was going to be a bad day from the moment he woke up an hour late for work. He was burned out beyond words could comprehend. Cas hadn't gotten home the night before until ten, and then he had piles of homework to finish before he could even think about falling asleep. Perhaps he’d forgotten to set his alarm for the next morning; perhaps he’d slept straight through it. Either way, he checked the clock as soon as he woke up and immediately jumped out of bed and hurried to put his shoes on. _Thank God I slept in my work uniform last night._ He didn’t even have time to brush his teeth because he was panicking too much to stop moving. In less than a minute, he was running out the door as fast as he could.

When he reached the doors of his dormitory, he wasn’t the least bit surprised to see the sky was pouring down rain. _Of course I didn’t bring a jacket or an umbrella._ _Of course._ He angrily charged outside, deciding he was too late to go back now. He ran like nothing could stop him, like maybe if he could run fast enough, he might get there on time. It made no sense, but it was his only sense of comfort in the moment. And so he ran.

He ran unshielded from the frigid downpour, ran through crowds of people and through large puddles on the ground. He ran even though he couldn’t breathe. The distance to work was not short by any means, but that day he made it there in record time- ironic considering his tardiness. Before he ran into the bookstore, he sent a silent prayer to any higher power who might be listening. _God, angels, whoever is up there right now: Please just let me make it through this. Please don’t let Zachariah be there. Please let this pass, and I swear I’ll do anything you ask._

Castiel walked into the bookstore soaking wet from his head all the way down to his shoes and socks, clothes clinging to him and shoes filled with water. Every step squelched loud and wet on the tile, and Castiel's heart was beating in his eardrums. For being so drenched, his lungs were completely dry- each inhaled breath hurting his chest like pins sticking his lungs.

As he made his way into the coffee shop, he realized that either God wasn't real after all, or God fucking hated his guts. Because sure enough, Zachariah was there and he looked pissed. Cas closed his eyes and asked what it was he'd done to deserve this day.

“Where in the _Hell_ have you been, Castiel?” Cas started to respond, but Zachariah held up his hand. “I don’t even want to hear whatever piss-poor excuse you might have. You’re over an hour late. And you’re completely unprepared, obviously- seriously, you’re completely soaked, and you expect to work like that?”

“Sir-“

Zachariah did that _stupid fucking_ thing with his hand again. “Ah-bup-bup, I’m not finished." Cas clenched his jaw, but made no effort to interrupt him. "I have been putting up with your shit for some time now, Castiel. I am completely and utterly through screwing around. You’re a waste of time, a waste of space, and honestly, a waste of my breath. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them, and you know what? You’re one of those people.”

Castiel could feel the tears well up inside of him, but there was nothing he could do to stop them. Zachariah was an asshole more than words could explain, but his words bit into Cas’s skin harder than anything he’d had to deal with in a long time. “I don’t understand. I work more than anyone else, _harder_ than anyone else, and I’ve never been late until now. It was a mistake, I overslept. I swear-“

Zachariah motioned with his hand again, and Cas wanted nothing more than to take his hand, rip it off and shove it right down his throat. He and Dean had joked about how they would kill him someday, and Dean mentioned stabbing him in the face. He’d laughed at it in the moment, but right then, he definitely wished he could do that. “I’m done with this, and I’m done with you. Your time here is no longer needed. You’re fired.”

The words hit Castiel like a tidal wave, knocking the wind out of him. Tears fell from his eyes, and he was very grateful that only a few people were within earshot. He swallowed thickly. He wanted to plead some more, ask for a second chance, but the words wouldn’t come up. Instead, he felt other words rise to the surface- words he had been suppressing for the entire duration of his employment under Zachariah. “You know what? That’s fine.”

Zachariah looked unimpressed, raising a questioning eyebrow as he folded his arms. “Oh, it is?”

Cas nodded and wiped the tears from his face. “Now that you’re not my boss, I can tell you just how much of a _goddamn_ worthless cretin you are.” Castiel spat the words at Zachariah, and it felt _amazing_. The look of surprise on the older man’s face was enough to get him through the next year. “I’ve worked here and dealt with your attitude for almost two years, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I’ve killed myself working for you. I’ve given up so much of my free time to come here and put up with your shit. I’ve lost sleep, and subsequently lost motivation for my classes just because I was so sleep-deprived.”

“Castiel, lower your voice-“

Cas put up his hand patronizingly before poking him in the chest. “I’m not finished,” he growled. “You have absolutely no idea how little people respect you. Nobody respects you or your ‘authority.’ We’re all here just to make some money. We just want to make ends meet, and we put up with your abuse in the process. Well, I’m so glad I’m not a part of that anymore. I’m no longer required to listen to you go on and on about how horrible we are, how we can’t do anything right, and how we aren’t worth your _precious_ time.” Castiel laughed humorlessly, no longer in control of his actions. “You are a real piece of shit, you know that? A real _heaping_ pile of shit.” It almost felt a little like Dean was possessing his body. _Whose words are these? Who said that? Who the hell am I?_

Castiel took off his wet work shirt and threw it at Zachariah’s chest. “You have a lot of nerve talking to me like this.”

“Yes, I do. A lot of nerve. I’ve spent so much of my life cowering from people like you, thinking you were right to assume you were better than me. But you’re not. You’re disgusting and horrible, and you don’t deserve respect. You don’t deserve good people following your orders. You deserve to be treated just as badly as you treat other people." Cas swallowed back the sickness rising in his gut from the surge of adrenaline in his system. "I’m so glad I realized this, and I’m even glad you fired me. Now, I don’t have to stand here and listen to you berate us as an excuse to let out your frustration with your own failure of a life.” Castiel glared at Zachariah’s flustered face and looked him up and down. He laughed and shook his head. “Have a good day.”

He turned away and walked a couple of steps before he heard Zachariah call out to him. “Don’t even think of showing your face around here again!”

Castiel turned around and laughed at him again. “You don’t have to worry about that. This is the last time you’ll be seeing me. Trust me, I have better things to do with my time."

He walked away without turning back, feeling like the weight on his shoulders had finally lifted. It wasn’t until he got outside that the reality of his situation sunk in; he was standing alone in the rain of mid-winter, shirtless, and unemployed. He sat down on the closest bench under shade, put his head in his hands and cried.

**& &**

Dean was teetering on the edge of a breakdown. Like, tip-toeing-across-the-world's-thinnest-wire-from-a-thousand-feet-in-the-air teetering. He could feel it coming on more and more with every day. He used to have thick skin and not let other people’s words get to him, but lately, he’d been getting upset over everything. Every time someone so much as looked at him the wrong way, he wanted to disappear. Every time his friends made a joke at his expense (more specifically, the expense of his sexuality) he felt like he'd swallowed a tub of acid that was eroding away at his heart and stomach. It took every ounce of willpower he had to let things slide and try to keep his composure.

He'd actually gone to the doctor about his 'heartburn' trouble. He told the doctor everything, explained the feeling and when he would get it. He even told the doctor he was practically living off of Pepto-Bismol lately because of how bad it had gotten, and how he was starting to get really worried. As it turned out, Dean was in perfect health. Absolutely nothing wrong with him (nothing he didn't already know, anyways), and the doctor had no explanation for his heartburn. So, Dean had left the doctor's office with a hunk of cash missing from his pocket in exchange for some hack advice telling him to stop drinking alcohol and eating so much red meat. After he'd received absolutely no help from the doctor, Dean finally allowed himself to put two-and-two together, and realized the feeling wasn't heartburn at all, but a symptom of something else altogether- something worse, something life-threatening.

Ever since the realization, literally everything was cutting into him deeper than he cared to admit. The jokes were the worst of it, and even then, the jokes weren’t really that bad, if he was honest. There was almost never any real meaning behind them, his friends have always teased each other like that. Despite knowing that, Dean couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was eating him up inside; he felt like he might actually be dying from the inside out.

The looks and the words only fueled his insecurity. Every day, it got more difficult for him to muster up the motivation to get out of bed. _Today could be the day everyone finds out. They’ll know I’m a fag, and nobody will ever talk to me again. Even Cas will leave._ The thoughts wracked his brain relentlessly, and the doubt was seriously getting to him, like wind howling around him as he tried to not fall off that goddamn high wire he was walking across.

He was withdrawing from his friends and dwelling on himself more than he cared for. He wasn’t even talking to Cas ( _especially not talking to Cas_ ), hadn't in over 24 hours. Dean pretended that maybe if he ignored the problem long enough, it would go away; if he could just pretend to not be gay, he would never have to face it. And Castiel was a big part of that. Dean could tell himself that Cas was the reason he was going through all of this, and he could blame everything on him, but deep down, Dean knew it wasn’t Cas’s fault. The problem was inside of him. The problem had _always_ been inside of him, and it was just Cas who unintentionally brought it to the surface.

The boy in question was blowing up Dean’s phone, but Dean wasn’t answering his calls. He sat the phone on the counter in front of him and watched it vibrate endlessly. He’d lost track of how many times Cas had tried to call and text him. It made Dean want to cry, but he couldn't even muster up the energy to let himself do that. Cas didn’t deserve the silent treatment. He’d done absolutely nothing to deserve the way Dean was treating him. Cas had been nothing but good to him, and all Dean had to offer was an endless pit of self-loathing and misery. Castiel could be in trouble, and Dean wanted nothing more than to hear that he’s okay and to rush to his aid, but Dean couldn’t even gain the strength to pick up his goddamn phone. _How fucking pathetic is this?_

Dean watched the phone as it stilled, and the screen lit up with another voicemail notification. He sat and waited for the phone to ring again. Someone cleared their throat behind him and gave him a jolt. He snapped out of his trance and stood up straight. “Were you planning on actually answering that, or are you seeing how many times it can go off before the battery dies?” Gordon walked to his side and leaned against the counter.

Gordon picked up Dean’s phone. “It’s nothing,” Dean lied as he snatched the phone back from him. 

Gordon grinned and sucked on his teeth. “What’s up with you and Cas? Trouble in paradise?”

“I said it’s nothing.” Dean glared at Gordon and chewed on the inside of his cheek. He shoved his phone in his pocket and walked back into the garage.

Gordon followed him to the car he’d stopped working on. “If it’s nothing, then why aren’t you answering?”

Dean clenched his teeth and ducked under the hood of the car. “Mind your own business.”

Still, Gordon didn’t budge. “Your boyfriend could be in trouble and you won’t even answer the phone.” Gordon sighed. He hated that Gordon was right; he _didn't_ know if Cas was in trouble. Dean felt himself tighten his hands into a fist. “Did he do something to make you give him the cold shoulder?”

“ _I said_ ,” he grumbled, “to mind your own business.”

Gordon leaned down and got in his personal space. “Did your boyfriend not kiss you goodbye this morning?”

Before he even knew what he was doing, he shoved Gordon. “You need to shut the fuck up.”

Gordon chuckled darkly. “Oh, I seem to have hit some buttons with that one.” He shrugged casually and walked closer to Dean, who was grinding his teeth. “Your ass still a little sore from last night?” Blind with rage, Dean lunged for Gordon and shoved him against the cement wall, barring his arm against his chest and glaring at him threateningly. Gordon winced at the pain of smacking his head on the wall, but chuckled anyways. “You’re feisty today.”

“You really need to watch yourself,” Dean growled, never breaking eye contact. “I will not hesitate to beat the shit out of you. Believe me.”

The other man lost the amusement in his face, but still held his stare. “I think that if you wanted to hit me, you would’ve hit me by now.” Dean pushed him harder. “Am I right?” Dean didn’t respond, which Gordon took as a sign of Dean’s empty promise. “I think I’m just pushing the right buttons, which means there _is_ something bothering you.” His voice fell to a low murmur. “I think it’s driving you to the brink, and you don’t know how to deal with your issues.”

Dean swallowed back his self-doubt and emotions. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said flatly.

“Yeah, I do.” Gordon pushed Dean away from him and stepped to the side. He brushed the dirt off of him. “You need to learn how to deal with your own bullshit, Winchester. One of these days, you’re gonna pick a fight with the wrong person.”

Dean stood still and stared at his feet. _I have to deal with my own problems_. “I gotta go,” he mumbled. Dean turned and walked out the door, ignoring the other man calling his name, and headed right for his car.

The sky was growing darker with the forth-coming night. It was quiet out, the rev of his engine filling the air around him. He checked his phone again. Cas had only called once more since the last time he’d checked, and he didn’t leave a voicemail. He threw his phone over his shoulder into the backseat and drove without looking back.

He drove around for about an hour with nothing but the radio and his thoughts. At first, he wasn’t sure where he was going. Dean knew he didn’t want to go home, but he didn’t want to be around anyone he knew. He could hear his phone finally buzz again from behind him, and he ran a hand down his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. _Cas is probably worried sick. I should’ve been back by now. I should’ve answered the phone. I should’ve listened to his messages, called him back. I should be there._

He instinctively reached for his phone and held it in his hands, turning it uncertainly. He even made it as far as opening the phone and hovering over the buttons. When he stopped at a stop sign, he closed his eyes and fought back the urge to call Castiel. He let out a deep breath, snapped the phone shut and set it in the seat beside him. _I need a drink._

With that thought, Dean headed straight for the place that could take care of that. Dean knew of a small dive bar right outside of the city where he could go to escape his friends- and hopefully, his thoughts. With a grumpy saunter, he entered the bar and sat down on a barstool away from the other people. Observing the crowd, it was obvious this was a local watering hole. There weren’t very many college kids, just older people and townies who wanted to drink and shoot some pool. There were no friends here to tease him, nobody around to judge him or question him. There was just alcohol and plenty of people who knew absolutely nothing about him. Dean figured the setting was as perfect as he needed it to be.

Right away, he ordered a double shot of whiskey. He downed it with a small wince and ordered another. And then two more. He silently stared into the empty cup and wished alcohol could make him forget. _That’s what everyone says, isn’t it? They drink away the pain. They drink until they forget, until it doesn’t hurt._ Dean ordered another drink wordlessly. _When does that happen? At what point can a drink take away the pain? When will I forget?_ He heaved a heavy sigh and sipped at the next drink instead of downing it.

He finally looked up from his cup and met the eyes of a woman across the bar. Something about her felt familiar. Her dark hair contrasted the paleness of her skin. Her lips were the perfect shape, the perfect shade of pink. And there was something in those blue eyes that made his heart ache. Subconsciously, Dean knew where the attraction was coming from. And he intended to drink until he forgot all about the other set of blue eyes that had burned their way into his memory.

He finished off his drink and hissed quietly. His skin felt uncomfortable. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be at home with the only person who made him feel good anymore. He wanted to be at home, pressing his ear to Cas's chest and listening to his heartbeat and the sound of his breathing, letting Dean know he was okay. Dean needed to know that Cas was okay. Dean sighed sadly and quickly downed two more drinks. He held his eyes shut tightly, but he only saw Castiel’s face. Dean worried his teeth on the inside of his lip and shook his head.

When he opened his eyes, the girl was beside him. He flinched slightly, and she giggled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She smiled warmly at him, and he tried to return the gesture, but he figured it fell a little flat. “Is this seat taken?”

“It’s all yours,” he replied. Dean motioned for the bartender to bring another round of drinks.

The girl sat next to him and held out her hand. He shook it gently. “Hael,” she introduced herself.

“Dean.” When the drinks were delivered, Dean drank from his and caressed it in his hand.

“So… Can I ask why you look so sad?”

Dean didn’t look at her. “I’d rather you didn’t,” he replied weakly. She nodded in response and sipped her drink. She looked sad at his attitude, and he felt guilty. “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” The line was tired and over-used, but Dean was too exhausted to think of something new.

Hael grinned at him. “What makes you think I’m nice?”

Dean chuckled lightly and finished his drink. She didn’t realize it, but Dean already knew exactly why she was there. Her answer was the same as it always was. And Dean decided to go with it. _We can use each other. Help each other forget._ He gave her his winning smile. “Oh, I can just tell. You’ve got ‘nice girl’ written all over you.”

She squinted her eyes. “I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult.” Dean gave her a half-shrug. He could feel himself getting more drunk, and he welcomed the feeling. “I’m not as nice as you might think.”

Dean licked his lips. “That so?”

The girl nodded and she rested her chin on her hand, sizing him up. She really was attractive. Dean wanted so badly to want her, so he pretended like he did. _Fake it till you make it._ “What if I told you I’ve done some bad things?”

Dean huffed. “I’d tell you to join the club,” he mumbled into his next drink. “What kind of bad things?”

She finished off her drink and studied his face. “Well…” She leaned in and put her mouth by his ear. “One time I approached this _really sexy_ guy at a bar and asked him to fuck me in the bathroom,” she whispered. Dean’s eyes widened. He was just drunk enough to think that was an awesome idea. She pulled back and winked at him before sashaying her way to the bathroom, throwing him a quick smile over her shoulder.

A twisting feeling started in his stomach, and he closed his eyes. All he could see was a man with dark hair and deep blue eyes smiling and looking at him with so much love, it almost made Dean want to be sick. His stomach lurched at the thought as he stood up. He waited a second and his stomach lurched again. _Oh fuck_. Dean ran out the door, realizing very suddenly that he was literally going to vomit. He held his mouth shut as he darted directly for the bushes next to the sidewalk. Once he was safely out of everyone’s way, he threw up all of the alcohol he’d consumed that night- which was more than he'd even realized.

Dean felt worse than he’d ever felt before. His head was pounding, his heart was racing, and his sinuses burned, but still, all his mind could focus on was Castiel. His gut jerked violently one last time. _Son of a bitch._ He stood up slowly and took a few deep breaths, wiping the clammy sweat from his face. Dean decided then he didn’t want to close his eyes anymore because when he did, he was just reminded of the person he was hurting. Whether or not Cas knew at that second, Dean knew he was hurting him.

A few more minutes of steadily breathing in the crisp, night air, and Dean was ready to get absolutely shit-faced. He didn’t care how much whiskey it would take, he was going home with a girl, and he was going to prove that he didn’t have to acknowledge the feelings he held inside. _Dean Winchester is_ not _gay_. He also decided that whatever girl he did go home with, she wasn’t going to look anything like C- _you know who_.

He sat back down at the bar with determination, ordering a round of shots right off the bat. He downed three quickly without even thinking twice. He hissed and slammed them down one by one. The girl he talked to earlier stormed out by him with a glare that could cut him like daggers, but he didn’t pay her any attention. He heard her curse him under her breath before leaving the bar altogether. Dean shrugged to himself. _Strike one._

Dean sat back in his chair and silently scanned the room for any prospects. There weren’t many, but he did take note of a few girls who were attractive and seemingly unattached. There was also a guy at the end of the bar who kept making eyes at him, which Dean was quick to avoid. For some reason, he kept looking back and the guy waved to him. The lump in Dean’s throat came back, and he hurriedly took another drink. The first girl to catch his eye and smile shyly was beautiful: mixed, curly brown hair, brown eyes. Not at all like Cas, and _definitely_ not a dude.

Dean took his drink with him and approached her- clumsily bypassing the dark-haired man at the bar- with as much confidence as he could muster. She averted her eyes when she noticed he was heading for her, but didn’t seem necessarily uninterested. Dean leaned onto the table by her and grinned. “Couldn’t help but notice you were sitting by yourself. I’m also sitting by myself. Mind if we keep each other company?”

She looked at him with a curious smile behind her eyes. “What’s the success rate of that line? Really?”

Dean’s grin widened, and he sipped from his cup. “Who says it’s a line?” She raised an eyebrow to him. “What? You’re alone, I’m alone… You’re beautiful; I’m a _magnificent_ specimen.” The girl laughed genuinely and Dean took that as a good sign. He held out his hand. “Dean Winchester.”

She shook his hand politely. “Cassie.”

And there it was. Dean’s heart felt like it could drop out of his ass. He sighed in disappointment. _God, why are you doing this to me?_ “Son of a bitch,” he whispered. Cassie began to ask what was wrong, but before she could finish her sentence, Dean was getting up and walking away.  _Strike two._  

He finished off his drink before he made it back to his seat at the bar. Dean put his elbows on the bar and rested his head in his hands. The room had started slowly spinning, making him dizzy. He considered throwing up again. He’d actually considered a lot of things: hooking up with that girl despite her name ( _which might even make it easier, honestly… I wonder how she feels about being called Cas-_ ) calling Lisa, and even giving up completely. None of which were easy options. He groaned and rubbed his face into the palms of his hands.

“Someone’s having a bad night,” a woman casually remarked from beside him.

“You have no idea,” he mumbled, lifting his head. His head was still swimming, but he could still see the good-looking woman leaning against the bar next to him.

“Why don’t you relax?” She asked, sitting down beside him and watching him.

Dean raised an eyebrow to her; he wasn’t in the mood to be told to relax. “No offense, lady, but why don’t you kiss my ass?”

“Why, Dean, you’re a poet. I had no idea.” Dean was taken aback by the familiarity, and the girl shrugged, drinking from her cup. “I’ve heard you introduce yourself to two different women now. You’re on a real hot streak.”

Dean stared at her suspiciously. “What, are you watching me or something?”

She laughed. “I find it entertaining to see men come in here determined to go home with a warm body. I find it even more entertaining to see them go home empty-handed.”

“You’re one twisted bitch, you know that?” Dean grinned anyways.

She shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t believe in lying. So what if I get my kicks from watching men squirm?” Dean pursed his lips and watched her with interest. “It passes the time anyways.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m one of the bartenders here. My shift ended about ten minutes ago.” Dean nodded and began to ask why she was still there, but she answered before he could get out the question. “I told you how I like to watch men squirm, didn’t I?” She flashed him a wicked grin before looking down at her drink and finishing it off. “Really, though, I’m waiting.”

Dean hummed. “What are you waiting for?”

“You,” she answered simply. Dean’s interest was piqued. “You’re cute. I wanna take you home with me.”

Dean bit his lip, ignoring the swirling sick feeling in his stomach, ignoring the dude in the back of his head telling him to say 'no.'  _Third time’s the charm._ “What’s it gonna cost me?”

The woman leaned in closer to him coyly and shrugged. “Oh, just your precious time and energy… Maybe your soul.” Dean chewed on his lip and tried to push the guilt from his heart. “Why? You think I’m a prostitute, or something?”

Dean lifted his eyebrows. “Well, now that you mention it…” The woman pushed his shoulder. Dean swayed with the motion to the point where he thought he might topple over. _Maybe I’m more drunk than I thought._ “How far’s your place?”

The woman smiled wolfishly- a look with which Dean was more familiar giving than receiving- and stood up. “Not as far as you might think.” She motioned for him to follow her, and he did.

She was a little creepy, but Dean was desperate enough to overlook it. She guided him to the back of the bar, through the employees only section and around a dark corner. “Where’re you takin’ me?” She didn’t answer, instead kept gliding along, running her hand on the wall as she walked. They reached a staircase and she motioned to him again. The knot in Dean’s stomach was becoming more and more urgent, but he powered through it. He was about to cross the line he needed to cross, and he wasn’t going to stop now. Dean stumbled up the stairs, holding the railing for support. When they finally reached a door at the top of the stairs, she took her keys out and opened it. “You live in a bar?”

“Above a bar, actually,” she corrected. The dark-haired woman entered the apartment and tossed her purse aside. The place was mostly dark and gothic. There were lots of candles, books, and old-school decorations. “You can’t beat the commute.”

Dean bobbed his head and studied the room. He was nervous, and the room definitely did not help ease him. “Are you, like, a Satanist?”

The girl sat down on her black and red satin bedsheets and unlaced her boots. “Does it matter?” The question was rhetorical, Dean figured. It really didn’t matter. They both knew why he was there. Well, partly knew why he was there, anyways. She relaxed on her back and propped herself up on her elbows, looking Dean up and down. He felt naked. “Why don’t you make yourself more comfortable?”

Dean’s throat felt dry. _I can’t do this. I should leave._ Dean knew he couldn’t leave, though. He had something to prove, and Dean always gets what he wants. The girl tilted her head, still not averting her eyes from him. “Do you have anything to drink?” He asked hoarsely.

“Wine in the cabinet, liquor in the freezer, beer in the fridge, water in the tap,” she answered. "Fully stocked." Dean nodded in response and headed for the freezer. The woman scooted up to the head of her bed and relaxed her back against the pillows and her headboard, splaying her legs apart comfortably. Dean found a cup by the sink and poured into it whatever liquor was the strongest. He downed the drink immediately, keeping his eyes shut for a few moments afterwards. He poured another drink and looked back to the woman. She gave him a small smile and motioned for him to come to the bed with her finger.

 _“Don’t do this, Dean."_ The voice in his head wasn’t his own. It was a deeper voice- one that was so familiar to him, he could recognize it anywhere. The pain in his chest increased, as did the violent swirling of toxic waste in his gut, and he fought back the emotions that were rattling through his entire body. He pushed past the voice that kept him still, walked over to the bed and sat down. _“Dean...”_

The girl leaned into his back and kissed the side of his neck. Dean closed his eyes and tried to focus. “You’re nervous,” she mumbled against his skin. She brought her hands to his sides, up his back, and down his arms. “Relax.”

He quickly emptied his cup and she took it from him, placing it on her bedside table. Dean looked at her confident face, the curve of her breasts and down her thighs and ass. He wanted to want her. He _needed_ to want her. She was totally hot, so why wasn’t Dean all over her? Dean reached his hand up to touch her, his hand slowly gliding up the back of her thigh, over her ass and up her back. She smiled and arched her back to give him a better view.

His fingers met her head and he pulled her face down to meet his, kissing her deeply. The taste of her mouth was different, unfamiliar. The way she moved, the way she felt, it was all so foreign to him. His heart pounded in his chest too hard for him to focus. She straddled him and brought her hands to his jaw, turning the kiss to a harsher pace. Dean’s body was rigid and hard against her soft form. His hands explored her body curiously. It wasn’t the same.

Unconsciously, Dean wished he was feeling lean muscle. He missed the powerful, hard body he’d grown used to touching so intimately. The curvy, soft female form had become a thing of his distant memory; he had no idea what to do with it. The thoughts racing his mind only made him feel worse, dizzier, like the wind was whipping around him faster than he could keep up with, and he brought her even closer to him. 

The woman rolled her hips against his groin, and she sucked at his lip teasingly. He didn’t moan. His body didn’t respond to it naturally. Dean kissed her roughly again, desperate for a connection. He was frustrated at his body for not cooperating. She pushed Dean onto his back and crawled over him. She took off her red tank-top and let it slide to the ground beside her bed. Dean’s hands curiously grazed up her stomach and sides before she took them in her own and moved his hands to the black lace of her bra covering her breasts. He rested them passively, not really sure what to do anymore. _Isn’t this supposed to be like riding a bike? You’re never supposed to forget how to do it._

He swallowed thickly and let his hands fall to her sides as she reconnected their lips. His head was spinning to the point where he thought he might fall off the bed, might fall off the edge of the fucking planet, and it took every bit of his consciousness to not vomit right then. Dean desperately tried to want her, tried to touch her like she wanted him to. Dean needed to fuck this girl more than he needed anything at that moment. _Because if I can’t…_

The girl kissed down his neck and pulled up his shirt to kiss down his stomach. Dean breathed heavily, trying to get into it. He was trying so hard, he was sweating with effort. When she coyly started unbuttoning his jeans, Dean tried not to look at her. He was ashamed, and he didn’t want to see the look on her face when she realized what he was.

Dean felt the girl stop moving, and they both sat frozen in that position for the longest moment of Dean’s life. He closed his eyes and fought back frustrated tears that were stinging his cheeks. She eventually cleared her throat and sighed. She patted the tops of his thighs dismissively. “That’s okay.” She stood up and walked to the cabinet, pulling out a bottle of wine. “Totally fucking wonderful,” she mumbled flatly as she drank straight from the bottle. Dean sat up and groaned, burying his face in his hands. _Strike three. You’re out._

Wordlessly, Dean got up and left the apartment, drunkenly storming out the back door of the bar and heading to his car. Dean slid into the Impala and gripped the steering wheel tightly. He wasn’t just frustrated anymore; Dean was _angry_. He was angry that his body was turning against him. He was angry that he was a fucking pussy who couldn’t even fuck a beautiful woman. He was angry that he couldn’t stop missing Cas, thinking of him, wishing he was holding him. He was angry because he couldn’t lie to himself anymore.

Dean wanted to punch something, anything. So he let out his frustration by hitting the steering wheel as hard as he could over and over and over again. Eventually, his anger subsided into sadness and he stopped hitting. The tears streamed down his cheeks hot and mercilessly. He held onto the wheel with a death grip and squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t deny the truth any longer: Dean Winchester wasn't just gay, but he was also utterly and hopelessly in love with his best friend.

****

**& &**

****

Castiel anxiously checked the time again. The clock read 3:28 am. His knees bounced tirelessly under his elbows. He was sitting in his desk chair, chin in hands, and staring at the ground. _He should be home by now. He could be hurt. He could be in the hospital for all I know._ Cas had given up calling Dean three hours earlier. He’d been trying all day, and Dean hadn’t picked up the phone once. Castiel lost count of how many unanswered rings he’d heard that day. Dean’s voicemail box was full, and Cas was worried to the point where he couldn’t do anything except wait.

Of all the paranoid thoughts that plagued his brain, nothing scared Castiel more than the idea that Dean was gone. Dean had left him for good. He’d given up and decided Cas wasn’t worth the effort, much like everyone else had already done so many times in the past. His face hurt from crying. He was exhausted. He hated feeling so useless. He didn’t want to jump to the worst conclusion, but it was such a natural assumption for him.

Every minute he spent sitting and waiting felt like another eternity. He checked the clock again. 3:32 am. Cas closed his eyes and prayed that Dean was safe, that he would be coming back at any moment. He didn’t know how long he sat there without moving anything besides the restless bounce of his knee. Suddenly, he heard the door knob wiggle and Cas’s eyes shot open, his heart stopped. The door opened and he stood up from his chair so fast, he got dizzy with a head-rush. “Dean?”

“Yeah,” Dean responded quietly.

As he entered the room, Castiel could definitely tell where he’d been without having to ask. Dean smelled like a liquor store- and a bit like vomit. Cas reached out for him, and Dean flinched away, staring at the ground. Castiel’s heart pricked uneasily. “What’s wrong?”

Dean kept his eyes on the floor and drunkenly sat down to take off his boots. “Nothin’.”

“You're lying.” Castiel had a bad feeling that he couldn’t shake, and he crossed his arms. “Did something happen?” Dean didn’t answer. “Please just tell me, Dean. I was really worried about you.”

“Nobody asked you to worry about me,” the other man returned flatly.

Cas’s heart started swelling with that burning, acidic feeling. “Of course I worry about you, Dean. I tried to call you all day, and nothing. You don’t call or even text me back to let me know you’re safe. What was I supposed to expect?” He knelt down and touched Dean’s knees gently as he searched his face. Dean bit his lip and still refused to look at him. “Dean, please.”

“Cas, _stop_.” Dean pushed Castiel’s hands off of his legs, stood up and began pacing the room.

Castiel stayed on his knees, watching Dean closely. “Look... I don’t care that you didn’t call me back. You’re back and you’re safe, and that’s all that matters. I promise-“ Cas stood up and tried again to get Dean to look at him. “I promise. I’m not mad, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Everything’s _wrong_ , Cas, what don’t you fucking understand?” Dean snapped, finally looking into Castiel’s eyes. He only made eye contact long enough for Cas to see the pain in his face. Dean had obviously been crying, his eyes were bloodshot and irritated. Cas could feel the sickness swirling in the pit of his gut, and he bit back the feeling. Dean resumed pacing. Cas murmured his name, but Dean cut him off. “Fucking _stop_! I can’t. I can’t do this!”

His entire chest cavity felt like it was going to burst open. “I don’t under-"

“I know you don’t understand, Cas. I know, alright?!” The tone of Dean’s voice made Cas’s skin prickle. “I just can’t.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat and steadied himself. “No.” Castiel tried to sound as strong as he could, ignoring the sensation of more tears welling up inside him. He knew exactly how Dean felt about him, and he wasn’t going to give up on him yet. Sam had warned him about this.

Dean looked at him incredulously. “No?”

“No.” Cas stepped closer to him, eyes unwavering. “No, Dean. You can’t just throw this away. I won’t let you.”

“You won’t _let_ me?” Just the look on Dean's face- the pain, anger, sadness, frustration, the hopelessness- made Cas want to be sick. He couldn’t even tell which emotion he needed to appeal to in order to get through to Dean.

“I know, Dean.” Cas held Dean’s shoulders in his hands. “I know how you feel about me because I can _feel_ it. And I know you can feel me too. You can’t shut me out.”

Dean looked away and a tear slipped onto his cheek. “You don’t know shit about me, Cas," he mumbled.

Cas took Dean’s face in his hands and turned so they were facing each other. “Yes, I do. I _know_ you, Dean. I know you because I love you. I love you so _fucking_ much, it hurts me. Do you know how much it hurts to love you, Dean? Do you?” The words fell out of his mouth because he couldn’t hold them in anymore. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew the last part was probably too much. The tears on Dean’s face came harder, and his mouth opened around a word that wasn't coming out. “I know right now wasn’t the best time to say that for the first time, but I do. I love you, Dean. And I know you love me too.”

The pain in Dean’s face increased and Dean searched his eyes pleadingly. “I can’t,” he choked out quietly.

“Stop saying that! Yes, you can. You have to.” Cas was beyond the point of breaking, with a quivering chin and new tears slipping down his cheeks.

He pulled Dean’s face to his and kissed him desperately. For a second, Dean held on and kissed him back- it was weak, but Cas _felt it_ - and Cas thought maybe the fight was over. Over before it even began, Dean pushed him away, and despite the force of it being less than devastating, it felt like it shattered Castiel's chest. “We have rules, r'member? Rule number three, wasn’t it? This was jus' a no-strings-attached deal between friends.”

“Shut _up_ , Dean! Just shut up!” Cas had snapped and there was no holding back. “Why can’t you just accept the fact that you have feelings for me? Why do you have to make everything so difficult?”

Dean leaned against the desk and buried his face in his hands in frustration. “I don’t love you, Cas,” he mumbled brokenly. Those five words hurt Castiel far worse than any beating he’d ever gotten, and immediately knocked the wind out of him. _He’s lying. He loves me. I know it._ “So stop.”

Cas hesitated, trying to remain on his feet. “You’re a goddamn liar, Dean Winchester,” he spat angrily. Dean didn’t bring his head up, just shook it in his hands. Castiel quickly closed the distance between them and he grabbed onto the collar of Dean’s leather jacket and pushed him against the wall. He pulled Dean up and clung on tightly, searching Dean’s face for a sign of any response. “How _dare_ you say that to me. How dare you let me trust you- let me fall in love with you- and just take it away from me like that.”

“ _Please_ , Cas!” Dean looked up and his face was red, the veins in his face swollen. “Just stop! Stop saying anything! I already told you I can’t do this. I’m not… I’m not…” He shook his head and closed his eyes again. Cas's eyes watched the next tear that slipped onto Dean's lips.

Cas let go of his collar and held Dean’s jaw in his hands. “I’m not going to stop. You need to hear it. I _love_ you.” He kissed Dean’s forehead. “ _I_ love you.” He kissed Dean’s nose. “I love _you_.” Cas kissed Dean’s wet lips and silently pleaded for him to kiss him back. Dean kept his lips tight and tilted his chin away, and Cas could feel himself shattering into a million pieces. “ _Dean_!”

“I fucked someone!” Dean shouted suddenly. Cas’s heart stopped. “I fucked someone else, alright? That’s where I was,” Dean closed his eyes and talked quietly. Castiel’s hands slipped down from Dean's face and landed by his own sides. His eyes slipped down as well. He didn’t have words left. Dean sighed dejectedly. “I met a girl in a bar, we went back to her place and we fucked.” Dean placed his fingers to his lips and leaned back against the wall. Castiel still remained silent, unable to look at Dean directly. “I’m not gay,” Dean whispered flatly. “I can’t do this anymore.”

For a long time, they stood there just like that without moving or speaking. Castiel felt empty; devastation was a word that came to mind. Complete and utter devastation.

He wasn’t thinking, wasn’t trying to reach out to Dean. He wasn’t anything. Cas felt like a black hole had sucked him into an abyss of nothingness. And then, still in his state of shock, he turned away and walked out the door. He didn’t grab his shoes, his keys, or his phone; Castiel just walked away. He walked without breathing or thinking, just staring at nothing. Eventually, he was outside. He sat down on a bench that he came across and stared at the grass blankly. 

 _"I don’t love you.”_ The true weight of Dean’s words finally sank in and Castiel had honestly never felt worse- never felt so utterly destroyed- in his life. The pain was tremendous and indescribable, the devastation hitting him like waves of the ocean crashing during a bad storm- just beating him back down every time he could gasp half a breath of air, knocking him senseless and filling his lungs with water.

 _"I don't love you."_ He closed his eyes curled in on himself, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He buried his face in his arms and let out the pain, gasping for air but finding it impossible to breathe. The tears burned his cheeks (that, or his skin was hot enough to boil them) and his shoulders shook silently with every sob. _“I don’t love you.”_


	22. January 13, 2014

Dean was woken up by the blaring noise of his alarm clock. He smacked it off and slowly opened his eyes, deciding immediately that he wasn’t going to class that day. If he was honest, he didn’t even plan on getting out of bed at all. Last night was the worst night’s sleep he’d ever gotten, and he was left with a massive headache and a disgusting, acidic taste in his mouth (which was nothing in comparison to the acid boiling in his chest).

He laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to make sense of his actions the night before, but there was no logic to be found. Dean knew deep down that no good could’ve come from lying to Cas like that; it wasn’t going to change the reality of his situation. If anything, he just drove Cas away and caused him to resent Dean. Now, Dean was really alone. He was completely alone, and it was all his own fault. Dean closed his eyes again and tossed his arm over his face.

 _I’m such an idiot. What the hell is wrong with me? Cas has done nothing but care about me, and I hurt him… I promised to keep him safe, and I let him down. He trusted me, and I betrayed him just like everyone else did. I’m no better than his family._ For someone who was already so full of internalized self-loathing, Dean felt like he’d never hated anyone or anything with as much intensity as he hated himself in that moment.

Dean was selfish for what he’d done. He’d tried to justify lying to Castiel originally by saying that he was going to hurt Cas at some point anyways, and that it was better to do it now rather than later. If he'd waited, Cas would've gotten hurt way worse because Cas might've gotten attached... He might've gotten as attached as Dean had. Dean thought maybe if Cas believed Dean didn’t return his feelings, it would be easier for Cas to let go.

Deep down, though, Dean knew that wasn't actually why he’d told Cas about the girl at the bar. Dean lied because it was easier than telling the truth. If Cas hated him, Dean wouldn’t have to face the fact that he was gay. He wouldn’t have to tell Cas how he felt, and in turn, wouldn’t have to come out to the public- to his friends, his family. There was no way Dean could handle having a boyfriend. He just couldn’t do it. _I’m a fucking coward._

Dean had almost told Cas how he felt the other day. Something was just bubbling up inside him, and he didn't even know what was possessing his body that night he asked Cas if they could talk. Having Victor interrupt them was a sign, though. The universe didn't want them to get together after all, so Dean stowed the impulse away and kept letting the volcanic lava eat away at his insides. Instead, he tried to run away from everything and hurt Cas like the giant, stupid, selfish coward he was.

Dean groaned and rolled onto his side, bringing his blanket up above his head. _I have got to be the biggest piece of shit in history right now. Cas definitely hates me. I can't even blame him. He_  should  _hate me._ _He thinks I cheated on him- and sure, it wasn’t official or anything, but it was still unspoken._ No thought hurt worse than the fact that Cas believed that Dean didn't love him. Even if that was Dean's intention, it fucking hurt a lot. It was thick, corrosive, boiling magma coursing through his veins. It pumped through his heavy, solid mass of a heart and into every part of his body, eroding any happiness that might've been left in his system from memories with Cas. He deserved the pain. 

He still hadn’t let Castiel’s words sink in yet. His mind kept replaying his voice over and over again. _“I love you.”_ Dean held his eyes shut, swallowing the acid in his throat. There was no way he'd ever be able to forget the pain he saw in Cas’s eyes, all over his face. Those usually deep blue eyes turned into a pale, crystalline grey when Cas cried, bloodshot from worrying about Dean all day and night. His mouth was tight and pensive, bottom lip quivering so slightly, feeling his words just as deeply as Dean did. Dean might have been trying to not look directly at him, but Dean couldn’t help but see the pain under the surface. _“Do you know how much it hurts to love you?”_

Dean had an idea of just how much he could hurt someone. When Dean had told Castiel about the girl and that he didn’t love him, he couldn’t even comprehend the look on Cas’s face. Anger, sadness, disappointment... sheer agony. Dean felt another wave of sickness swirling in his gut to the point where it made him dizzy from his unmoving place on the bed.  _Who would have the nerve to tell someone they don’t love them? Who could intentionally hurt someone like that?_ Dean shook his head. _But_ _I guess that’s what I do, right? I let down the people I love._ He couldn’t be the man Castiel wanted or deserved. So he would have to be alone.

Dean reached for his jacket he’d worn the night before and fished out his cell phone. He hadn’t checked the messages or notifications yet, but now seemed to be as good of a time as any. The text messages started around four in the afternoon.

_Cas: "Call me when you’re free. I could use a friend right now."_

_Cas: "Hey, I tried to call, but I guess you’re busy. Call me when you get this."_

_Charlie: "9-1-1"_

_Cas: "Did I do something wrong?"_ The invisible death grip around his body constricted tighter, making it near impossible to breathe.

_Jo: "Unless you're dead, you'd better answer the phone."_

_Cas: "Are you okay??"_

_Jo: "Answer your fucking phone, Dean."_

_Cas: "I'm really worried. It’s getting late. Please let me know you’re safe."_

_Cas: "Please. Please just call me."_

Dean sighed and rubbed his hand over his mouth. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but he decided it was time to listen to the voicemails. The messages were all jumbled together, as Cas had called and texted at different times. The first voicemail apparently came before the first text message. Dean sat up and moved to his desk chair, taking out a new bottle of medicine from the drawer, sipping it and holding it to his chest. Reluctantly, he started playing the messages.

The phone beeped. “Oh, I guess, you’re busy,” Cas’s voice came from the phone. Dean closed his eyes. “Uh, well, something happened at work, and I guess I just wanted to talk to you…” Cas’s voice broke off at the end. Dean felt so guilty; he didn’t even know what Castiel was talking about. _I’m such a shit head._ “Just, um... Just call me back when you get the chance. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

The phone beeped and began playing the next message. Castiel started this one with a sigh. “I thought you’d get a break by now. They really work you to the bone there, don’t they? Um… Anyways, I’ll try again later if you don’t get up with me. Okay. Bye.”

 _Beep._ "You're probably off work and with the guys, but... Just..." Cas cleared his throat into the receiver. "If you get a chance." He was quiet for a moment before adding, "Bye."

 _Beep._ "Dean," the girl's stern voice threw him off, but he recognized it as Jo's. "You answer _your fucking phone._  I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you if you're not already dead."

 _Beep._ “Call me.” Castiel sighed into the receiver. “Bye.”

 _Beep._ “Hey, Dean, It’s Charlie. Cas said he hadn’t been able to get up with you, and so I was just trying to make sure you’re okay.” There was another girl’s voice in the background. “Jo said to call her and let her know you’re okay. She said she’ll kick your ass if you’re dead.” Charlie’s humorless laugh came and went quickly. “Please call Cas. He’s really worried... Later.”

 _Beep._ He could hear Cas sniffling before he started talking. “Dean,” his voice was broken and hoarse, and a tear slipped out of Dean's eye before he knew he was even crying. “Please. I’m sorry if I did anything wrong. I didn’t mean to.” Dean pressed his forehead against the medicine bottle in his hand, pushing back the emotions that dared to come up. “Please come home." Cas paused and sniffled. "Or at least call me. I need to know you’re okay.”

 _Beep._ The message was the shortest. All he could hear was the faint sound of shaky breathing and a sniffle at the end.

_Beep. “End of messages.”_

Dean put his phone down and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He threw the bottle of medicine aside because it wasn't going to fucking help anyways (not like he deserved relief from his pain) and pulled a bottle of water out from his backpack and took a long pull from it. Heavily, he stood up and used the bathroom, brushed his teeth, and avoided the mirror. He couldn’t muster up the energy to even look at himself. Dean then put his water on the bedside table and crawled back into bed.

**& &**

Castiel had somehow ended up in the girl’s dormitory. He wasn’t sure when or how it happened, just that he was there. He was laying on an unfamiliar bed under unfamiliar blankets, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. He hadn’t slept at all, just kind of stayed in this unconscious state of being awake.

He felt nothing unless he was thinking of Dean, and when he thought of Dean, he just felt... overwhelming anguish. Unfortunately for him, everything reminded him of Dean. The pocketknife on Jo’s desk reminded him of the one Dean carried with him. The dryness of his lips made him think of how they never went dry when Dean’s lips weren’t far from his. His fingers reminded him of the way Dean’s hands fit into his so perfectly. The scars on his wrists reminded him of the promise he made to protect his own life. The black nail polish on his toes reminded him of the night Dean looked at him like he was more beautiful than the world around them; they reminded him of the night he knew he’d fallen in love with the boy with emerald eyes. 

He couldn't even _think_ about the color green without wanting to claw his corrosive heart out of his chest. Cas couldn't even look down at the blanket that was covering him because Jo's blanket was a color all too similar the one that had slowly become his favorite. Thus, he stared at the ceiling. 

When Castiel felt like he was about to start crying again, someone walked into the room and startled him. “Didn’t mean to wake you, Sleeping Beauty.” Meg entered the room and sat on her bed across from him.

“I wasn’t sleeping,” Castiel replied flatly, his voice cracking a little from being unused overnight.

Meg was silent on the matter. He could feel her watching him as he continued staring at the ceiling. It was the only place he could look and not think of Dean. The problem was not thinking of Dean made him think of Dean even more. “So are you going to tell me what happened to you?”

With a side glance, he peered over to look at her. She wasn’t being sarcastic, she didn’t seem annoyed; Meg was just asking a question. “It’s complicated.”

She relaxed on her side and propped her head up with her hand. “Try me.”

Castiel stayed quiet for a beat. So far, he’d only told Charlie the whole story. Charlie clued Jo in on what happened just enough for her to let him sleep there while they had class. Castiel trusted Meg, though. They hadn't talked since finals week, but she’d always been there for him when he needed someone. “What would you say if I told you I... had feelings for someone?” He offered, looking back at the ceiling.

Meg shrugged halfheartedly. “Wouldn’t surprise me.”

Cas swallowed. “And if I told you I got hurt because of it?”

“I’d tell you to join the club.” Meg smiled sadly, looking down at her own hands. Cas wished he could understand the origin of her pain. “Dean?” He looked over to her with a tight brow, curious as to how she could guess that. Meg looked up from her fidgeting and raised an eyebrow. “Call it a hunch.” Cas sighed in lieu of a response. “What’s the story?”

“We just sort of… happened.” Cas chewed on his lip thoughtfully. “It was so... normal, and..." He lost the words. "Things just got kind of lost along the way.”

"That's pretty vague," she observed. "Come on. Spill."

Cas hesitated. “There’s not much else.” Big lie. 

“Yes, there is.” Meg’s face was genuine and unwavering. Cas watched her carefully, looking to see if maybe he could figure out what to say. She really was beautiful, he noted. Cas liked to think if things were different, maybe they wouldn’t have missed their chance. Then again, maybe the universe wouldn't have had it that way anyways. Dean had his heart, as unfortunate as that may be, and he was too far gone to turn back even if he tried.

Castiel copied her position, propping his head up on his hands. “I don’t know where to start… We…” His voice trailed off. Cas furrowed his brow in concentration. “I never thought about another man before Dean. It wasn’t _that_ big of a deal, I suppose. Bisexuality, sexual fluidity… It makes sense for me. But it was just different. Dean… Dean was different.” He shook his head and tried to search for the words. “The sex was pretty great, if I’m honest-“

“I bet.” Cas glanced at her amusingly and she shrugged with a smirk. “You never really had any problems in that department.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Do you want me to tell this story or not?” Meg motioned for him to carry on. “It just all came naturally. In the beginning, it was strictly friends with benefits- we had rules that set our boundaries: no telling anyone, remaining honest with each other, no romantic feelings-“ His friend snorted sarcastically, and he shot her a quick glare. She put up a hand in apology. “And it worked for us. He and I have always shared a bond of sorts.” He smiled inwardly at a far-off memory. “It was easy to get lost with him. Does that make any sense?”

Meg sucked lightly on her teeth and pursed her lips. “It makes perfect sense,” she replied quietly with an unreadable expression.

Castiel nodded, watching her face. “After he found out about Thanksgiving, he was insistent that I go with him to spend the holidays with his family. And I agreed… I wanted to know what it would be like to share a holiday with a real ‘family’… We’ve talked about this.” Meg nodded and rolled onto her stomach, resting her head on her arms so she was still watching him. “It was really nice. It was a little overwhelming to say the least. I actually had a breakdown while I was there. I just…” He sighed deeply at the memory. “I guess I couldn’t handle it. And Dean was there. He let me tell him everything.”

Meg’s face was thoughtful. “Everything?” Cas understood that she was asking if Dean knew more than she did, and he nodded. She couldn’t quite hide the hurt that she felt, and Cas felt a little guilty for it. She bobbed her head and shrugged.

“He didn’t leave. I was so afraid of opening up to someone- one could argue that I have a lot of trust issues… But Dean let me trust him. Things were different after that. It was like… Like I could actually _see him_ after that. That probably sounds incredibly stupid." Cas shook his head. "I thought I could see something in the way he looked at me- the way we touched…” Cas sucked in a sharp breath, fighting down the uncomfortable emotions that welled in his throat, balled his hands into fists in some attempt to stop the pulsing battery acid that had replaced his bloodstream. He rolled onto his back and took a deep breath. “I was wrong.”

“So, how do you feel?” Meg asked patiently.

His breath got hitched in his chest. An unexpected tear slipped unintentionally down from his eyes to his temple. “I miss him,” he admitted quietly with a small shrug. “It’s the only thing I feel. Because even though he hurt me… He’s still my best friend. He’s everything. He was always by my side, in my bed, talking to me, making me laugh, holding me... And now he's gone.” A heavier tear trailed into the hair at his temple, and he licked his bottom lip, taking a moment to chew on it gently. “I miss him.”

A melancholic silence swept over them, and Castiel was fine with it. He wiped the tears from his face and composed himself. _There’s no use in crying anymore, Cas. Let it go. Let him go._ Castiel rolled his eyes shut. _I can’t._

“I’m sorry, Clarence,” she spoke softly. He glanced back over to her and gave her a small, thanking smile. After that, there was an unspoken understanding between them. She didn’t bring Dean back up in conversation. Rather, she distracted him with jokes and conversations about other various things, no matter how menial or seemingly unimportant.

Cas was grateful for Meg. She treated him differently than everyone else, it seemed. He saw something in her that nobody else had taken the time to notice, and he knew she appreciated that in him. She was a good friend, and one he made a mental note of keeping around. Despite their differences, they really were a lot alike where it counted. Both had been disappointed by the world around them and the people in their lives. Castiel was also grateful because she was the only person, place, or thing that didn’t remind him of Dean.

**& &**

Dean stayed in bed all day. He hadn’t slept much at all during the time. He was completely exhausted, but his brain was running a mile a minute, and showed no signs of stopping. It might’ve been okay if his thoughts were meaningless or passive, but they were completely the opposite; every thought he had was aggressively self-degrading, and it was wearing him down until he was nothing more than a pile of dust and ash. If there was a source of wind that could come into the room, Dean was sure he would've blown away into nonexistence.

 _What do you think you’ll do with your life now? It’s too late to pretend like you’re straight. You already know that’s not going to work. And now you’ve gone and ruined the one good thing you had in your life. You have got to be the dumbest, most selfish sack of shit in the city- at least._ Dean tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position where he could drift off to sleep without his brain attacking him every second. _You don’t even know where Cas is, do you? Nope. Do you know what happened to him yesterday, and why he was so upset? Of course not! Because you only think of yourself and your stupid issues. ‘Oh nooo! I think I might be gay! But what will people think of me? Waaah!’ Give me a break._

Dean huffed his frustration and threw back the covers. It was late by the time Dean had finally mustered up the energy to climb out of bed. He instinctively reached for his phone and tried to call Cas. _Please pick up._

After two rings, he heard the electronic chimes of Cas’s phone. He confusedly looked around the room and spotted Cas’s phone, lying abandoned on his desk. Dean closed his eyes and ended the call. “Wonderful,” he mumbled grumpily. Dean knew he needed to see Cas. He wanted to make sure he was okay, even if Castiel hated him.

Dean took a shower and tried to think of any place Cas might have gone. He decided the first place to check would be ‘Brews. After he finished showering the grime from the previous night off of his skin, he hurriedly put on whatever clean clothes he could find and headed out the door in search of Castiel.

The walk over was miserable. Oh the weather was great- it was fucking wonderful: the sun was setting beautifully on the horizon, the wind was nice and breezy, the birds were chirping, and there wasn’t a single grey cloud in the sky. Everyone was in a good mood and seemed to be enjoying themselves, coupling up, laughing, and joking around. Dean hated every single thing about it. _We get it. I did this to myself. You don’t have to rub it in._ He put up his collar, shoved his hands in his pockets, and hurried his walking pace.

Finally, he reached his destination and walked straight for the coffee shop. Scanning the room, he couldn’t find Cas. _Maybe he saw me coming and decided to hide. I couldn’t blame him if he did._ As he approached the counter, Charlie appeared from the backroom. Immediately, she glared at him. _Just as expected._

“I’m not speaking to you,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Oh come on! I’m sorry I didn’t call you back last night. I was having a… pretty bad night.” _What an understatement._

She stared at him questioningly. “I don’t care that you didn’t call me back.” She turned her face away from him again and pretended to do something important. “But it doesn’t matter because I’m still not talking to you.”

Dean was confused. “Wait, so why are you mad at me?” Charlie glared at him with an incredulous eyebrow raised, as if he was the dumbest person on the planet. _Which_ , he thought, _I might be_. Realization dawned on him that she probably knew what happened, and he scorned himself again. “Cas.”

“Yes, _Cas_. Did you really forget what you did to him?”

“Of course not. I couldn’t if I wanted to, trust me. That’s why I’m here, actually, I need to talk to him.” He looked behind the counter. “Is he here? Does he work today?”

Charlie looked at him questioningly again, and Dean was growing tired of getting that look. “Cas didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“He got fired yesterday.” _Fuck_. “Yeah, he overslept, and came in an hour late, and _Assariah_ went off on him. But Cas tore him a new one. Like, _reamed_ him. It was a pretty big deal.”

Dean beat himself up inside. _You just couldn’t answer the phone, could you? Cas got fired and verbally abused- he needed a friend, and you couldn’t even so much as answer the goddamn phone._

“Where is he?” Charlie shook her head. “Charlie, tell me.”

Charlie shook her head again. “No. You lost that right after what you did to him. He’s in a bad place, Dean. You really hurt him.”

Dean sighed and tried to ignore the guilt in his heart. “Look, I know what I did, okay? I was just-" Dean shook his head dismissively. "No, y’know what? I’m not going to explain myself to you. I need to see Cas. I gotta talk to him.”

“Tough noogies!”

Dean made a face at her. “’Tough noogies’?” He shook his head and rolled his eyes. Charlie tried to walk in the other direction, but he followed her. “Please, Charlie, I gotta see him. I have to-“

Charlie turned her back to him dismissively and crossed her arms. “I told you, I’m _not_ talking to you.”

Dean groaned exasperatedly and rolled his eyes. “Fine! Whatever!” Dean pulled out his cell phone and dialed Jo’s number. “I’ll just call your girlfriend.”

Charlie gave him a mocking look. “Do it, then! See where that gets you.” She turned her attention to a customer Dean hadn’t noticed behind him.

He walked away from the counter and waited for Jo to answer her phone. “Hey,” Jo answered tiredly.

“Hey, Jo, where’s Cas? Charlie won’t talk to me, and I really need to talk to him.” 

He heard Jo sigh into the receiver. “You know I can’t tell you that, Dean.”

“Jesus, does he just have The Great Wall of Estrogen protecting him from me?” Dean put his fist into his forehead. He lowered his voice when he saw other people walking nearby. He turned and started pacing between the bookshelves. “Please, Jo…”

“Give him some time. I think you’ve hurt him enough for one day.” Dean wanted to hit something. He wanted to hit himself, honestly, but _Fight Club_ -ing himself wasn't really much of an option. “I’ll try to talk to him tonight when I get back to my room, okay? Just give him some time.”

“Wait- your room?” _Meg_. “Is he staying in your room? With Meg-?” He heard the receiver on the other end click as Jo ended the call. “ _Son of a bitch!_ ” A couple of customers turned to stare at him, and he waved a hand in apology. “Son of a bitch,” he repeated to himself in a whisper.

Dean slumped into the closest chair he could find, feeling himself get lightheaded. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into his hands. He could just imagine them chatting it up all buddy-buddy. Meg would get him to feel vulnerable and appreciated _“-because Deano didn’t appreciate you, Clarence.”_ Dean could practically hear that she-devil try to manipulate Cas into dating her and stealing him away. _She can’t steal Cas. He’s my Cas. She can’t._

As much as he wanted nothing more than to run over to the girls’ dorm room right then and explain everything to Cas, he knew Jo was right. He’d hurt Cas enough for one day, and he should give him time. _She said she’ll talk to him tonight. She’ll talk to him. He’ll know I’m still thinking of him. It’ll be okay. I can wait until tomorrow._ Dean sighed and sat up, putting his elbows on his knees. _Tomorrow._

Dean decided to wait until the next day. He could manage at least that. He could go to class and go straight to Jo’s room afterward and explain everything to Cas; then Cas will come back to him and everything will be fine. _Simple_. Dean promptly left the bookstore and took the long way back to the dormitory. It was a nice night out, as much as Dean wished it wasn’t. When he finally reached his room, he immediately laid down in his bed without so much as removing his shoes or jacket. _Tomorrow._

**& &**

“Alright, first question: ‘When it comes to sex positions, you-‘” Meg read off of the magazine. “’A: Tend to stick to a couple of moves or what he- _or she_ \- suggests, nothing too crazy;’ ‘B: Sometimes try different things, sometimes the classics. Depends on the mood;’ or ‘C: Change it up every night, you’re not afraid to try anything and will insist on it.’”

Cas smiled. “Well, I think we know which one _you’d_ pick,” he remarked.

“Yeah, C, obviously.”

They laughed easily and Cas resumed using Meg’s nail polish remover on his toenails. "I’ll say B.”

“’So, you’re having sex with a new guy- or girl- What are you thinking about?’ ‘A: There’s more doing than thinking;’ ‘B: Just how he can get you off. He’s going to need a little instruction;’ or ‘C: Your appearance. Hopefully he’s okay with everything down there-‘ What kind of answer is that? Who fucking cares about a little pubage?”

Castiel laughed again. “I don’t even know how to answer that… Uh, I guess just go with A.”

“Next question- oh, I like this one, I’ll answer it for you. ‘Honestly, how do you feel about your body when you’re having sex?’ Here’s your answer right here: ‘Hot without question. That guy-  or girl- is lucky to be doing anything with it.” Castiel nodded a silent thanks, and she continued. “’You’ve been at it for a bit, but he just isn’t getting you there-‘”

“Oh, _God_.”

“I know, right? It’s not like it’s that hard. ‘A: You guide him with your hands because you know your body well enough;’ ‘B: Pretend it’s good-‘ _Really?!_ ” Castiel chucked lightly into his hand as he yawned and leaned back on the bed. “Or ‘C: Try to shift to find a good spot, or tell him what to do.’”

“I’ll admit, I’ve never encountered this problem.”

“Must be nice to be a dude.”

Cas nodded. “That it is.” Meg made a face at him. “I’ll just go with A.”

“Mm, this is a saucy question. ‘How big of a deal is masturbation to you?’” Cas groaned. “’A: It’s part of your life, sure, but you don’t have to do it everywhere;’ ‘B: Morning routine or daily basis;’ ‘C: Not a big deal. Not a priority.’”

Cas shrugged indifferently. _I haven’t really needed to do anything like that for a long time now._ “I suppose C would be the closest answer.”

“’How often do you initiate sex?’ ‘A: Never, really;’ ‘B: All the time;’ or ‘C: You don’t really keep track, but it’s about even.’” Meg flipped the pages of the magazine, reading ahead.

“C,” he answered as he ate a piece of popcorn from the bowl next to them.

Meg read the next question and laughed. “This is my favorite question, and I already know the answer.” She waggled her eyebrows at him. “’In bed you are:’ ‘A: Pretty quiet. You’ll occasionally sigh to let him know you’re not asleep;’ ‘B: Very loud, he should know when he’s doing a good job- or isn’t;’ or ‘C: Very in the moment. You don’t really hold back, but you aren’t screaming 24/7.’ So, obviously it’s B.”

Cas squinted at her skeptically. “I am not that loud.” Meg raised an eyebrow to him and he blushed. “Still. I’m ‘in the moment,’ as the magazine says.”

“Alright, alright, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Okay, the results are in, and you are… ‘Pretty Good In Bed.’”

“’Pretty Good’? I can’t help but feel a little disappointed.” Castiel relaxed on the bed and looked down at his now-unpainted toenails. He didn’t know why it made him feel guilty. _I just wanted one less thing to remind me of Dean. Is that so much to ask for?_ Instead of feeling better, it somehow made him feel worse. Maybe Cas just wasn’t sure if he was ready to let go of the hope that maybe Dean would change his mind.

“Sorry, babe. Guess you’re not as hot in the sheets as you think,” she jibed, taking the bowl of popcorn and putting it in her lap.

Cas feigned a defeated sigh and closed his eyes, suddenly becoming very tired. His arms ached and his eyes were still sore from the night before. _I miss Dean…_

The door to the room opened and Jo came into the room. “Hey, guys.” Castiel waved politely from his spot on Meg’s bed. Jo gave him a small smile in return, but seemed tense. “Uh, can I talk to you?”

The question was directed at Meg. “Yeah.”

After Meg stayed in her seat for a few moments, Jo sighed impatiently. “ _Outside_.” Meg reluctantly got up and followed Jo. _That’s not at all suspicious._ The girls stepped outside the door without closing it. In their hushed tone, Cas could barely hear them speak. “What are you doing?”

“Would you relax, princess? We’re just talking,” Meg replied in an equally soft tone.

Castiel strained to hear their conversation without moving from the bed. “Well, keep it that way. He doesn’t need to get any more confused. He’s very vulnerable right now-“

“Oh my god, it’s not like I’m trying to _seduce_ him. I’m not that delusional.” The tone of her last sentence sounded a little pained on Meg’s part. “He and Deano are gonna live happily ever after and ride off on into the sunset on that big rainbow float in the Pride parade. I’m not gonna do anything. Alright?”

 _Except that Dean doesn’t love me. How can we have a happy ending if he doesn’t feel the same?_ “You don’t have to always be such a smartass." Jo paused before she continued in a more earnest tone. "Dean called me.”

Cas’s heart jumped. _Dean called?_ He remembered that he didn’t have his phone and mentally scorned himself for not bringing his phone with him. “He wants to see him and talk. He sounded really genuine on the phone," Jo added.

“So…? Why would I care about any of this?”

Cas heard Jo sigh. “I don’t know what to do. I said I’d talk to him, but-“

“Well, then, talk to him! Clarence is a big boy, he can make his own decisions about who he wants and doesn’t want to speak to.”

Cas relaxed back onto the bed and thought on the subject. _Do I want to see Dean? Of course, I miss him. I miss him more than anything… But I don’t think I’m ready to forgive him. I can’t go back to just being his friend. I can’t…_

The girls came back into the room and Jo sat across from him on her own bed. “So, Cas, I wanted to run something by you…" She put her elbows on her knees and held her hands together. "How would you feel about talking to Dean tomorrow? No pressure or anything, you’re more than welcome to stay here until you figure something out.”

Castiel licked his bottom lip subconsciously. “I… I don’t think I’m ready yet,” he responded with uncertainty.

Jo looked at him sadly. “I understand. I’ll let him know, okay?” Cas nodded a silent thanks. She came over and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Take as much time as you need.” She moved to her dresser and began packing a small overnight bag. “I’m staying at Char’s tonight. You can use my bed. When do you have class tomorrow?”

“My first class begins at 9:30,” he answered as he moved to Jo’s bed.

“Okay. We’re going to your room to pick up some clean clothes and whatever else you might need.”

“You really don’t have to do that, I can-“

Jo stopped him with an understanding hand gesture. “Don’t worry about it. It’s no trouble. We’ll get your clothes, backpack, your phone, and- is there anything else you need?” Cas shook his head. Jo closed her dresser and tossed her bag over her shoulder. “Alright. I’ll see you in the morning. Get some sleep, okay?”

Castiel thanked her again and watched her leave. After she was gone, he settled under the blankets of her bed (without looking directly at them) and tried to get comfortable. Meg was still silently moving in the room. She finished picking up the mess they’d made and turned off the light before getting in her own bed.

The silence wasn’t completely uncomfortable, but it left Castiel feeling just as empty as he’d been that morning. Meg’s distractions throughout the afternoon were decent enough, but they weren’t going to keep Cas going through the night. Castiel shivered, feeling cold despite being under heavy blankets, feeling off-put by the scent of coconut shampoo instead of sweat and faint cologne. He rolled onto his right side and faced the wall, finding it even more sad to not be looking at a bed with blue sheets. Cas felt completely open and vulnerable without the warm, strong arms wrapped around his waist to protect him. Cas sighed sadly to himself and closed his eyes, immersing himself into the depressing nightmares that were sure to come that night.


	23. January 14, 2014

“ _Cas_!” Dean shouted from behind Castiel; there was no response. Dean reached out for him, but he couldn’t touch him. Dean continued following him as Cas walked away. He tried to speak, but no words came out. Cas didn’t notice, and continued walking along, gliding steadily further away. Dean tried to shout, but again, there was no sound. Dean followed Castiel’s slowly fading silhouette for an eternity- shouting silent apologies, silent proclamations of his affections. He could feel his throat strain from screaming, but the silence remained. All at once, Castiel disappeared into the void. Dean tried to run after him, but it was too late. Castiel was gone. He screamed his name. Dean turned in every direction, ran until his legs hurt. There was nothing. “ _Cas_!” The name echoed endlessly, but there was no sign of him. “ _Cas_!”

There was a loud banging noise that woke Dean up with a panicked jolt. He let out a deep, shaky breath and rubbed a hand over his sweat-covered face. _It was just a nightmare, dude. Calm down._ He looked down and remembered the fact that he’d passed out before getting undressed. He rolled his eyes at himself and tossed his jacket aside. The knocking came again, and Dean realized someone was at his door. He checked the clock, and it was only 8:30 am.

Annoyed, he poked out his head from behind the door. “Yeah?” Jo and Charlie didn’t say anything to him immediately, just pushed open the door and walked in. Dean rolled his eyes. “Come on in.” He shut the door and watched them rummage through Castiel’s stuff. “Mind telling me what the hell you guys are doing?”

“Cas needs some of his stuff, and we’re going to bring it to him,” Charlie answered, purposefully not looking at Dean.

Dean tried to ignore the aching in his chest. “He’s not…” He swallowed and shuffled on his heels. “He’s not coming back?”

Jo gave him a sympathetic look. “I tried, Dean.” He looked at the ground, trying to process the information. _Cas isn’t coming home._ “He’s not ready.”

After a moment, Dean began to speak, but Charlie spoke first. “Y’know what? I’m really tired of holding my tongue about this.” Jo reached out a hand to stop her, but even Dean could see the anger in Charlie’s face. It was a new side of her he hadn’t seen before. “Of course Cas isn’t ready. It’s only been _two days_. Two days ago, you _ripped_ his heart out.” The guilt on Dean’s chest weighed heavier than anything he’d felt before. He tried to respond, but Charlie glared at him. “Don’t even try to defend yourself! Cas is one of my _best friends_. Yeah, you are too, Dean, but right now, you’re in the wrong. You did something horrible, and you need to know that.”

“And you think I don’t know that?” Dean snapped back. “Do you really think I don’t care about how much pain Cas is in right now?”

Charlie shrugged animatedly, anger still rising. “You didn’t care when he was telling you he loved you! You _obviously_ didn’t care when you slept with that bitch from the bar!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dean barked, growing more aggravated.

“I think I know plenty, Dean. You cheated on Cas- and don’t act like you didn’t just because you weren’t ‘together-together’. You still slept with someone else-“

“I didn’t sleep with anyone!” Charlie started to respond again, but stopped abruptly. Dean’s chest heaved, and he put his hands on his hips. “I didn’t sleep with anyone,” he repeated in a more calm voice.

Charlie blinked slowly and looked confused. Jo piped up instead, “Wait… If you didn’t actually sleep with that girl, then why’d you tell Cas that you did?” Dean chewed on his lip, unable to articulate a response that didn’t make him sound like an asshole.

Charlie threw her arms up. “What, did you just _want_ to hurt him?”

“No!” Dean ran a frustrated hand over his face. “I just… I couldn’t handle it. I’m not ready.”

Dean leaned against the desk and crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s not an excuse, Dean! You can’t just throw someone aside because it’s easier for you. Grow the hell up!”

“Will you shut her up?” He directed at Jo, who had remained quiet. Jo put a comforting hand on the redhead’s shoulder and murmured something. Charlie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “Look, I know it’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. This is a really big deal for me. I can’t just _wake up_ one day and suddenly be totally okay with something I’ve been in denial about for 21 years.”

“Dude, we get it. It wasn’t exactly easy for us either-“

“Speak for yourself,” Charlie interrupted.

Jo looked at her pointedly. Charlie silently apologized and let her continue. “It wasn’t easy for _me_ either. Y’know, you spend so long thinking that it’s normal to be a certain way, and so you try to be that ‘way’ and ignore who you really are because you don’t want to be different.” Jo shrugged. “I get it.” Dean looked at his feet and fidgeted. “But eventually, you’ve got to stop pretending. Or else it’ll eat you alive.”

Dean let out a deep sigh and scratched his head. “What if-“

“What if people treat you differently?” She finished for him. “Alienate you? Pick on you?” Dean nodded wordlessly. “So- _fucking_ -what if they do? Who gives a shit about other people?” Dean rolled his eyes. _I do, for one._ “I had _no_ friends growing up, Dean. None. I was a freak. But one day I just fucking nutted up and told those people to go fuck themselves. I stopped hiding away from everyone. I didn't let those people prevent me from being myself. And now I'm happy. I'm  _happy_ , Dean, which I never thought would be possible growing up. I'm happy now because I don't let other people get to me anymore. Are you really going to let the opinion of a few insignificant people stop you from being happy?” Dean didn’t answer. Jo approached him and put her hands on his shoulders. “Who makes you happy?”

“Well, not you at the moment, that’s for sure,” he mumbled sarcastically.

Jo glared at him. “I’m serious, Dean. The people who can’t accept you for you, are they the ones that make you happy?” _No_. “No. Now, who makes you happy?”

Dean closed his eyes. “Cas does.” It was overwhelming to admit out loud, even if he barely whispered it.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t quite hear that,” Charlie said, putting a hand to her ear.

Dean rolled his eyes exasperatedly. “Cas does,” he repeated at a normal speaking level.

“What does Cas do?” Charlie questioned, still purposefully looking confused.

“He makes me happy.”

Jo pulled him up straight. “Who makes you happy?” she asked louder.

“Cas makes me happy.”

“I can’t hear you, soldier!”

“Cas makes me happy!” He said loudly.

The girls both grinned at each other and back at him. “Say it like you mean it!”

“Cas makes me happy!” Dean chuckled, thinking of how ridiculous this whole thing was.

Charlie came up and slapped his ass. “And don’t you forget it, bitch!” Dean’s eyes widened. Charlie laughed nervously and backed up. “Sorry, I got a little carried away.”

Jo laughed and patted her on the back. “You did good, baby. And _you_ -” She turned her attention back to Dean. “You need to fight for him. Just telling him isn’t going to be enough.”

“Yeah, don’t be such a pussy.” Charlie put a hand over her mouth, and Dean looked down at her in surprise again. “I’ll shut up now.”

Dean nodded at her and she walked away to continue packing Cas’s things. He turned his attention back to his blonde friend. “Alright, you’ve given me the motivational speech. Now, what do I do?”

“I… honestly have no idea,” Jo said with a sigh. She slapped him on the shoulder. “You’re gonna have to figure that one out of your own.”

“Great,” he grumbled. “That shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll just pick up a copy of ‘How to Win Back Your Man: For Dummies’.” He gave her a fake, tight-lipped smile.

“That’s a great start,” she joked with a smile. She turned away and headed for the door when Charlie finished gathering the items. As she left the room, she looked at Dean sincerely. “You’ll figure something out, Dean. Have some faith in yourself for once.”

Dean nodded and let them leave. He felt better. _Not great, but better. At least now I might be able to make it through class._ Dean ignored the fact that he didn’t have to actually be in class for two more hours and started getting ready. His morning routine took only a few minutes, and Dean noted that maybe he should always just go to sleep fully dressed so he could sleep in longer.

On his way to class, Dean tried to brainstorm different ways he could “fight” for Cas. _Maybe I could just talk to him… He’s always been patient; he’ll understand. I’ll just tell him how it was a lie; I’ll tell him that I love him, and that I’ll be better. He can understand that, right?_ Dean stopped on his way to pick up coffee and thought of Cas even more. It seemed like everything reminded him of Cas. It was pretty annoying, honestly. Dean wanted to go five minutes without thinking of the guy, but the world just wouldn’t have it. He sat down on a bench outside of the science building and started writing.

_To Do:_

  * _Call Sammy_

  * _Somehow tell Sam I’m gay_

  * _Dude, I am so fucking gay_




Dean unintentionally spent way too long writing, erasing, and re-writing the last bullet on his list over and over. It was so weird to admit it on paper. _How the hell am I supposed to say it out loud?_ He checked his watch and decided it was close enough to 11 that he could go to the classroom. While deciding where to sit, Dean noticed Adam waving him over to join his old group of friends. He waved back, but decided then he wasn’t quite ready to face them yet. Instead, he spotted Ash towards the back of the room and took the empty seat next to him.

Ash reached his fist out and bumped Dean’s. “What’s up, dude? Ain’t seen you in a minute.”

Dean chuckled and pulled his laptop out of his bag. “I know, man. It’s been too long. How was your break?”

Ash kicked back with his feet on the chair in front of him. “Primo. I totally hacked into the FBI database- all Big Red’s idea too- and _man,_ did I hit the jackpot. But don’t tell anyone. If the Monkey Suits come by asking any questions about me, you don’t know nothin’.” Dean humored him and nodded with a wink. “What about you? Anything happenin’ with you?”

 _Go ahead and say it. It’ll be good practice._ Dean shrugged with false nonchalance, ignoring the shaking in his nerves. “Not much… I’m gay.”

Ash grinned and held out his fist again. “Right on, man.” Dean beamed and met the gesture happily. Dean nodded to himself and relaxed in his seat. Ash went on talking about the conspiracies he uncovered while in the FBI database, but Dean mostly wasn’t listening.

 _That’s it. That’s all there is to it. He didn’t probe me for information. He didn’t even give me a second look. Nothing is different. Nothing has changed. I’m just gay._ For the first time in a long time, Dean felt proud of himself. “I’m gay as hell,” he said out loud by accident. Someone in front of him turned to look at him questioningly.

“Yeah, you kinda already said that,” Ash replied.

“Sorry, I think I’m just trying to get used to it.”

Ash snapped his fingers and winked at him. “I’m cool with it.” Dean smiled to himself. _He’s cool with it._

 

**& &**

 

 _“Aristotle- humans naturally sociable, necessity which allows us to live together (individual centered approach). Plato- state controlled the individual and encouraged social responsibility through social context (socio-centered approach).”_ Castiel was scribbling notes onto his notebook pages quicker than he could hear the professor lecture. At some point he wasn’t even looking at the overhead projected lesson and completely wrapped himself around his notes. He ignored the fact that his hands were cramping up. _“Triplett- experimental method to investigate the performance of cyclists and schoolchildren on how the presence of others influences overall performance, how individuals are affected and behave in the social context.”_

Castiel loved being in class. He didn’t have time to think about the fact that he’s jobless, partially homeless, and especially the fact that he’s just been dumped. All he had time to think about was the lesson at hand. It was only a few lessons into the class, but Cas already knew how much he was going to enjoy Social Psychology. It was applicable to what he was genuinely interested in, and it was easy to immerse himself into.

The only thing he didn’t love about the class was Chuck. Once again, Castiel was stuck in a classroom next to him for an hour and a half, two days a week. He liked being around his friend most of the time, but Cas just wanted to learn. _Is that really so much to ask for?_ Chuck was writing in his notebook, but not very fast. He kept grunting in confusion every so often, and Cas found it hard to ignore. “What the… What did he just say? Murchison… Damnit, he changed the slide.” Cas squinted at his paper and tried to ignore Chuck’s rambling whispers. “Hey, Castiel, what did you write down?” Cas ignored him, continuing to write notes. “Cas!”

Cas looked at him pointedly. “What?”

“Can I see your notes?”

Cas shook his head, trying to focus on the lesson which was going by quicker than he realized. “I don’t have time- wait, what was on the last slide?” _Damn you, Chuck._

“Maybe I shouldn’t be in this class. You Psy-Guys are way too thorough.” Chuck, obviously in defeat, relaxed in his chair and started jotting down something unrelated.

“Why _did_ you take this class? You’re a Lit major," Cas grumbled while jotting down notes. _“Social Identity Theory-“_

“I don’t know, I thought it would help my writing. Expand my horizons or something,” Chuck mumbled with a shake of his head. “I don’t know.”

“I’d like to stop here for a moment and talk about this,” the professor said, interrupting the lecture. Castiel turned away from Chuck and his notes and devoted his full attention to the conversation. “Tajfel and Turner proposed that there are three mental processes involved in evaluating others as ‘us’ versus ‘them’: social categorization, social identification, and then social comparison.” His teacher moved to sit on the desk, watching the students. “Essentially, we use groups as a way of lumping people together into smaller societies, correct? They become easier to identify and understand. Now, an individual can belong to many groups. One person may belong to the football team, for example. Let’s say they’re white and raised Christian. What other kind of groups can this one person belong to?”

Castiel furrowed his brow in concentration. Someone near the middle of the class answered his question. “Maybe they’re in the Fellowship of Christian Athletes Club.”

The professor looked uncertain. “While that _is_ a possibility, let’s try to think outside of what we’ve already determined about this person. We already know they’re white, raised Christian, and play for the football team.” He paused. “Is that all there is to this person? Is that their _entire_ character?”

The class was silent, and Cas had a thought. “The individual could identify as homosexual,” he said.

The teacher pointed his finger at him. “Yes, they could. So, now we have a homosexual, white, football player, who was raised Christian. That’s a great segue into the second step: identification. Let’s go right off of the last addition. Objectively speaking, this person was raised according to the Christian belief system. So, their environment growing up was greatly influenced by other people who also identified with this religious belief. Some traditional Christian values hold alternative sexual orientation as a ‘sin’. So this person grew up identifying with _these_ people- thinking _their_ way of life was ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable.’” Castiel nodded along with the lesson, deeply interested. “But when you add in the fact that their sexual orientation could potentially alienate themselves from this group, what happens?”

“The individual’s self-esteem could be… drastically affected,” Castiel answered. The teacher nodded, inviting him to continue. “They feel conflicted. The people they used to identify with were all essentially similar in regards to their traditional sexual values, but the individual also can’t deny their inner feelings.”

“Exactly. Now the individual is facing a dilemma: do I identify with the Christians I was raised with? Do I negate my religious values and identify myself solely on my homosexuality?” The teacher shrugged. “Can I belong to _both_ of these groups? If one of the groups I identify with doesn’t accept the other, what do I do? How do I let the opinions of these people affect me?”

The professor got off his desk and slowly paced the front of the room. “The final stage in the theory is social comparison. Once we have categorized ourselves as part of a group and have identified with them, we then tend to compare that group with other groups. If our self-esteem is to be maintained, our group needs to compare favorably with the others. And this individual has the unfortunate situation of being a part of two groups who don’t have the best standing with each other. That’s when prejudice comes into play: because once two groups identify themselves as rivals they are forced to compete in order for the members to maintain their self-esteem. So, what do you do?”

The class was silent again, Castiel found himself completely immersed in the lesson. The professor glanced at him expectantly, and he did not disappoint. “I think that this exact scenario happens more often than we realize. And the way someone deals with their situation is purely based on their character, the way their brain works. At that point, it’s not really completely up to society to identify us. They have options: either deny one of their groups and live a life of unfulfillment, or they can embrace who they know themselves to be, and reject society’s previously conceived notions of what is ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable.’” The teacher crossed his arms over his chest and nodded proudly. “From a personal opinion, I believe it takes a much stronger person to reject society, and live their own life for themselves and not to make other people happy.”

“But what about social acceptance?" Another student behind him asked. "What happens to the individual’s self-esteem when they know they’re going to be judged for being a gay and/or a Christian?”

Castiel shrugged absently. “Like I said, if they’re strong enough, I believe they can- for the most part, anyways- ignore the opinions of other people. If their sexuality and religion is important enough to them, it stops being a matter of ‘How can I get them to accept me?’ and becomes more ‘How can I accept myself?’”

The teacher looked at his watch and clapped his hands together. “I really love the way this is going. Let’s pick back up on this on Thursday.” The students slowly started exiting the classroom. Castiel and Chuck began packing their things up as his teacher approached him. “What is your name?”

“Castiel Novak,” he said.

The teacher extended a hand to him, and he shook it. “Castiel, I have to admit, I am very impressed with your participation today. Do you have a few minutes?”

Castiel looked from his teacher to Chuck and back again. “I have some time.”

His teacher smiled. “Let’s talk on the way to my office.” Castiel nodded and turned to follow him, and Chuck nudged him in the side with a grin. Cas rolled his eyes and walked behind the slightly-older man. “What is your major, Castiel?”

“Psychology, actually,” he answered.

His teacher moved so they were walking side-by-side, his professor a confident and tall statuesque figure by his side. He smiled and nodded. “I should’ve guessed given your enthusiasm for the lecture.” When they reached his office, the other man held the door open for Cas. “Your opinions were intriguing, and I was mostly just interested in picking your brain.” Cas sat down in the chair in front of the mahogany desk, admiring the man’s decorative abilities. The other man leaned against the edge of his desk and crossed his arms, studying him. “I have a feeling you have a lot to offer.”

“What do you mean? Don’t misunderstand me, I’m flattered, I just don’t quite understand what it is you’d like to pick my brain for, Doctor…” His sentence trailed off as he realized he didn’t even know his professor’s name. “I’m sorry. It’s been a crazy time for me, and I’m afraid I haven’t actually learned the names of my teachers yet.”

The man chuckled. “My name is Gadreel.” Cas nodded with a grateful smile. “I’m merely curious as to what sparked your interest in my lesson today. It’s not often that I get anything but apathy from my students.”

“Oh, well, I’ve just always been interested in society and how it affects the development of individuals. Why our brains seek like-minded individuals; why we naturally gravitate to certain people, things of that nature. I never get tired of studying human behavior.”

Gadreel watched him closely, a smile playing behind his eyes. “Humans really are fascinating creatures, aren’t they?” Castiel agreed. Humans really were his favorite subjects. Gadreel moved to sit in his desk chair. “I am wondering, though: in regards to today’s discussed individual, were you perhaps speaking on a personal level?” Cas’s brow tightened, and he fidgeted in his seat. “If it’s too personal of a question, you don’t have to answer.”

“No, it’s fine. The hypothetical individual did seem a little familiar, but I didn’t relate them to myself very much,” he answered honestly. _Dean. It was Dean. Even when I manage to not think about him, I’m still thinking about him._ “I have a... friend who fit the description rather closely. He’s not exactly a Christian, but he does lean more towards the side of a traditional mindset because of where he was raised.”

Gadreel hummed thoughtfully, placing a hand under his chin. “Do you care about this person?” Castiel nodded reluctantly. _Unfortunately_. “Do they care about you?”

“I thought so,” he mumbled, looking at the calendar on the wall instead of his professor. “He is- or _was_ … my best friend.”

“What happened?”

“It’s a long story.” Gadreel’s interest remained unwavering. Cas was tired of talking about it. “To make it short, I fell. He wasn’t there to catch me.”

“He has trouble identifying himself,” Gadreel put simply.

“That’s quite the understatement,” Castiel remarked humorlessly. “He cares too much about fitting into the crowd. He puts the comfort of other people ahead of his own. So… even if he did feel the way I feel- which I’m not still convinced he does- he’s too stubborn to let it happen.”

Gadreel studied his expression carefully. Castiel wasn’t sure he enjoyed the scrutiny. “What do you do, Castiel?” Cas was obviously thrown off by the subject change, as Gadreel registered his confused look. “For work, I mean.”

Cas chuckled darkly to himself. “As of recent, I’m unemployed.” He rolled his eyes to himself. “As I told you, it’s been a crazy time for me.”

“How interested are you in psychology?”

“It’s a passion of mine,” Cas answered. He still wasn’t sure where this was heading.

“How would you feel working under my direction?” Cas was surprised speechless, unable to articulate a response. “It wouldn’t be much since you technically would have to be an upperclassman to be an official assistant, but it would give you some experience in your desired field of study. And I’m not the worst mentor in the world, I can promise you.”

Cas found himself gaping at the offer, shaking his head and trying to come up with something that resembled a thanks. “That sounds perfect, really.”

“Glad to hear it,” Gadreel commented with a smile. “It would only be for a few hours a week, and you might have some take-home work, but if you do promisingly, I might take you on as my teaching assistant in the fall.” Castiel was beaming. _Finally, a glimmer of hope_. “You could grade some assignments; occasionally help me prepare my presentations.”

Cas reached his hand out to shake the professor’s. “You have no idea how much I appreciate this. Thank you.”

They shared a few more words about the job. Gadreel promised to call Cas with more information in the next few days, and they parted ways. Castiel took out his phone and immediately went to dial Dean’s number. Before he hit send, reality once again came crashing into him. Dean wasn’t going to be there to answer his call. He hadn’t even so much as tried to get up with him yet. _Which, admittedly, I probably asked for._ He sighed disappointedly and texted Meg instead. _“Can we have lunch today?”_

He made his way towards the cafeteria. Before long, his phone went off. _New Message: Meg: "Sure thing, sweetcheeks."_ Cas was glad he had at least someone to share the news with- even if it wasn’t the person he wanted to share it with more than anything.

 

**& &**

 

After having a successful morning ( _Me, having a successful morning. Crazy._ ) Dean went to lunch and found a spot away from any of his friends. He sat with his back to the wall so he could watch people without having to actually interact with any of them. One bite into his cheeseburger and he was thinking of Cas again. Dean grumbled miserably to himself and set his food back down. He took out his phone and slowly typed out a text message. _“I know you said you didn’t want to see me, but I really want to talk to you.”_ His thumb hesitantly hovered over the send button for at least a good minute. After much deliberation, he sent the message.

When no response came, to his disappointment, he figured it was as good a time as any to call Sam and tell him everything. Usually when Dean was having a hard time, Sam was the first person he would call. Sam was his person, after all. But lately, Dean just couldn’t handle having Sam know what he was going through. Dean couldn’t accept it for himself, and he sure as hell didn’t want anyone else to figure it out. He was afraid of what Sam would think or say. He held his brother’s opinion of him above that of anyone else.

 _But it’s time._ For the first time in too long, Dean finally heard Sammy’s voice. “Hey, Dean.”

He smiled to himself and watched the food on his plate. “Sammy! How’s my baby brother doin’?” It probably came out weaker than he intended.

“Not half-bad. How’re things with you? How’s Cas?” Dean felt a tinge of pain in his heart and didn’t say anything. “Oh, hey, Mom’s right here- want me to put her on?”

Dean felt his leg shake nervously. “Ah, no, I called because I kinda need to talk to you. Tell her I said I love her, though.”

He heard Sam mumbling on the other line. “She said she loves you too. What’s up?”

“It’s, um… It’s kinda important.” Sam sighed and didn’t respond immediately. “Sammy?”

“What’s up, Dean?” Sam replied in a more serious tone.

Suddenly, Dean was rethinking this whole _‘tell Sam’_ thing. “I, um… I don’t know what to say.”

“Come on. You can tell me; you know that.”

 _I do know that._ “Alright… I’m, uh… Well, Sammy, sometimes when a man… He... When a man thinks he’s a certain way… Sometimes-” Dean cleared his throat and fidgeted in his seat, feeling like his heart was trying to make a break for it straight out of his chest cavity. "Well, sometimes... A man isn't exactly what- hm... Sam-"

“Dean, I’m about ten seconds away from coming over there and choking you,” his brother interrupted.

Dean huffed a laugh to himself and put his head in his hand, looking down at the table. He cleared his throat and swallowed his nerves. “Sam… I’m, uh… I’m gay.” Sam let out a deep breath into the receiver and then laughed. He fucking laughed. Dean’s stomach dropped. “What the hell are you laughing at?”

Sam continued to laugh, and attempted to talk through it. “I’m sorry, I promise I’m not laughing at you. It’s just- just-” Sam laughed harder and Dean could feel his face burning red, and he turned so he wasn’t facing the cafeteria full of people. “I was just wondering how long it was gonna take for you to finally admit it.”

“Wow, Sam, you’re doing a wonder for my confidence right now. Thanks for this. Glad I called.”

Dean went to hang up the phone, but Sam called his name. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’ll stop.” Sam’s tone calmed down and Dean tried to relax. “I’m really proud of you, Dean. I know that wasn’t easy for you.”

“You’re damn right it wasn’t!”

He heard Sam laugh again, softly. “So, now that that’s out of the way… How’s Cas?”

Dean shifted uncomfortably. “That’s something else I needed to talk about.”

Sam sighed. “What did you do?”

“What did _I_  do? Why do you just assume _I_  did something?”

“Dean.”

“Yeah, okay.” Dean huffed, still not sure exactly how he was going to phrase his situation. “Well, we weren’t, like, _together_ … officially. It was just supposed to be casual, y’know?”

“ _Dean_.”

“Will you let me talk?” Sam didn’t respond, and Dean knew exactly the sassy face he was pulling. Sam had always been predictable that way.  "I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t…”

“You couldn’t deal with it. I know,” he said in a comforting tone.

“Yeah. I got wasted, and I tried to go home with this girl I met at a bar… Long story short, that’s kinda when I realized that I was, y’know-”

“Gay.”

“Gay,” Dean parroted. He still wasn't used to the way the word formed on his tongue. “Cas was really worried. He waited up for me because he was so worried. He… He told me he loved me, Sam. And I just...” Dean closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. “I pushed him away.”

“You lied and told him you slept with her,” Sam finished for him knowingly. Dean sighed. “Did you say you didn’t love him?”

Dean shook his head and laughed. “Y’know, I’m starting to think you know me too well.”

“Dude, you're my big brother," Sam inserted gently. "I've been dealing with your shit for _seventeen_ _years_ now. _Of course_ I know you. I know you better than anyone else in the world. This is exactly how I'd expect you to act- it's how you act when you're scared. I get it.”

“Quick: what number am I thinking of?” Dean joked. He heard Sam grunt, and he knew what Sam meant by it. “I know, Sammy," he conceded with a sigh. "What do I do?”

“I think you’ve got to be the one to figure that out.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that? Everyone’s got their two cents to put in, but can anyone tell me what to do? _Nooo_ -” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a familiar figure. He stopped in the middle of his rant and looked up. _Cas_.

He saw Cas for the first time in what felt like an eternity, even if it had only actually been two days. The lame guy screaming from the back of his mind was finally back, and for the first time, Dean wasn't trying to suffocate him into silence. Dean’s throat went dry, and he cleared his throat.

He wasn’t listening to whatever Sam was saying. He was too busy watching Cas. The dark haired boy hadn’t noticed him, and he sat down at a table on the far side of the cafeteria- next to Meg. Dean scowled. _Great. Awesome. Love it. Love that they’re together- sitting together, I mean. She’d better not be trying-_

“Dean!” He snapped out of his trance. “Did you hear me?”

Dean sighed and scratched the back of his head. “Honestly, no. I got distracted, sorry.”

“I _said_ that nobody knows him better than you. If anyone’s going to know how to win him over, it’s you- because you already made him fall in love once before, right?” Dean grunted an agreement. “So, you’re gonna have to be the one to step up and do it again. You’ll figure it out. I know you two can make it work.”

Dean kept his eyes on Cas. He saw Cas smile gently at something Meg said, and mouthed a few words that Dean couldn’t figure out. Meg touched his shoulder and suddenly Dean was standing up. “You’re right, Sammy. Thanks a lot. I’ll keep you updated.”

He snapped his phone shut and quickly walked to where Cas was sitting, his heart pounding against his tightened chest. _He’s gonna hit me. He’s gonna do something. Hell, I would if I were him._ “Cas-”

Castiel turned around and met his eyes. Dean stopped in his tracks, getting lost in those _goddamn_ eyes. “Dean…” Dean almost didn't hear him over the silent screaming. Cas's eyes dropped away with a pained expression on his face, and he cleared his throat. “What is it?”

“I wanted… To, uh...” Dean looked at Meg uneasily. “Can we do this somewhere else?”

“Do what?” Cas replied flatly.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Cas, we need to talk.”

Still, Castiel didn’t meet his glance. “I’d rather we didn’t,” was his simple response.

“I’m sorry. I just…" Dean stepped closer cautiously and reached out for Cas. "I just need to talk to you.”

Cas stood up from the table and snatched his arm away from Dean’s reach. “You’ve said plenty.” Dean’s whole body ached with how badly he wanted to touch Cas, just to touch him and convince him how sincerely he regrets everything.

“Damnit, Cas, please,” Dean urged, trying to not cause a scene in the cafeteria. Cas turned away from him and started walking with Dean hot on his heels. “Cas, just talk to me. I can explain everything.” Castiel’s pace increased. Dean chased him out the doors and onto the quad. “Cas, will you please just _listen to me?_ ”

He reached for Cas’s sleeve and caught it, turning him around. Cas’s face was tight and red with frustration. “You can ‘explain everything,’ Dean? You have an excuse for making me trust you? Making me lo…” Cas looked physically sick at the word that died in his throat, instead shaking the sentence out of his system. “I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you have,” he added resolutely.

He huffed and met Cas’s bloodshot eyes pleadingly. “Look, I don’t want to do it like this… Can we go somewhere and talk?” Dean instinctively reached in some attempt to take Castiel's hand in his own, but it fell short when Cas snatched his arm away again before crossing his arms over his chest protectively.

“No, Dean. We can’t.”

Feeling the uncomfortable watch of the people around them, Dean spoke quieter. “Look, I lied to you.” Cas met his glance and for a second, and Dean felt hope. “I didn’t sleep with anyone else. I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I only wanna sleep with you.”

Dean knew those weren’t the right words as soon as he said them. “That’s very poetic of you, Dean, but I’m going back inside-” Cas grumbled with an eye roll.

“I didn’t mean that, Cas.” He stopped him and pulled him back. “There’s so much I need to say to you, but I don’t want to make a scene.”

“Of course you don’t. You have a reputation to uphold, after all.” Cas’s icy words hurt him, but he deserved far worse, so he wasn’t about to defend himself.

“What’s it gonna take?” Dean asked simply. Cas’s brow furrowed tightly. “What do I have to do, Cas?”

Instead of answering, Castiel just shifted his glance. Dean waited for him; he wanted an answer. “It’s not that simple,” he finally said quietly.

Dean shook his head. “I should just give you time, right? I’m sure it’ll just blow over.” Castiel scoffed at his sarcasm, and Dean shrugged. “Look, Cas, I know that I hurt you. I failed you, and I... I did it in the worst possible way. I know that. I don’t need you to remind me; I don’t need _anyone_ to remind me.” He reached out for him, but Cas flinched away. Dean sucked his lower lip between his teeth before taking a breath. “It’s all I can think about. _You’re_ all I can think about.” Castiel didn’t respond, but he shuffled on his feet and his expression softened a little. Dean took it as a sign to keep going. “For once, though, I have faith. I have faith in myself. I have faith in _us_.” He put his hands on Castiel’s shoulders and searched his face. “And I _know_ we can make it through this. It’s _us_. We have to.”

A tear slipped onto Cas’s cheek and he quickly wiped it away. Cas licked his bottom lip and shook his head. _Don’t do this._ He felt Cas pull away from him, and he knew. “I’m sorry, Dean.” _No_. “I guess I just don't have that kind of faith in you.” _No_.

The words ripped through him like daggers into his chest, and Dean closed his eyes to let them sink in. _I don’t know what it’s gonna take, Cas, but I’m gonna get you back._ He watched as Castiel trudged away from him again, and not bothering to try and stop him. Dean sat on the closest ledge he could find and put his face in his hands. He was frustrated; he was exhausted, and he had absolutely _no idea_ how to fix what he’d broken.

After a while, he felt a presence looming over him. She cleared her throat. Dean knew who it was, but _really_ wasn’t interested in talking to her. “ _Ahem_!”

He made a disgusted face. “Ugh, cover your mouth.” He finally looked up at Meg. “I’ve just been dying to see you again. Really. What do you want?”

“Well, obviously, I’m here to marvel in your pain.” She crossed her arms and glared at him, a look he returned. “What do you think I’m here for?”

Dean rolled his eyes mockingly. “Well, if I knew I wouldn’t have asked.”

“I’m here to help you.” He lifted a skeptical eyebrow to her. “Don’t look so surprised.”

“Why would you want to help me?”

She huffed with an attitude. “You gotta take him back. He's been like the naked guy at the rave ever since you dumped him. Totally useless.”

Dean sighed and sat back, humoring her. “Alright. So, how exactly do you plan on helping me?”

Meg sat down next to him despite how awkward their closeness made both of them. “You know that place you, Jo, and Red went to? That stupid bar or cafe or whatever?” Dean nodded. “Well, they’re having another open mic night on Friday. Our boy told me you’re a musician.”

“He told you that?”

“He told me everything. I laughed, I cried, I puked a little in my mouth." She shrugged a little. "I never was a big fan of soap operas.”

Dean huffed a laugh. It wasn’t much, but it was hope. “So, what, I should just go there and make an ass out of myself?”

“That’s exactly what you should do.” Dean mulled the idea over in his head.

Ever since Dean was young, he’d had performance anxiety, so the thought of going up in front of a room full of people and playing his music, baring his soul to them (to Cas, anyways) terrified him. On the other hand, he'd made a promise. To Cas, to himself- he'd promised to be there for Cas however he had to be. Dean swore to do anything it took to make sure Castiel was safe, happy, and loved, and maybe this was just what he had to do right now. Maybe this was what the universe needed him to do- what _Cas_ needed him to do. He had to sack up and conquer his own fears and demons so that he could be the rock Cas needs to hold onto.

Dean got that feeling in his gut again- not the sick, disgusted, shameful one, but the protective one that wanted nothing more than to see the way Cas's eyes shine when he's happy, the feeling that made him  _want_ to do anything just to see it again. Sure, 20-something years of anxiety and fear were going to be hard to get over, but Cas was worth it. He had to try, right? He had to do anything in his power to at least let Cas know that somebody cares.

“I’ll make sure he’s there," Meg offered, bringing him back from his train of thought. "You’ve got three whole days to come up with something.”

Dean nodded slowly, still thinking, and Meg stood up to walk away. “Hey… You still haven’t told me why you want to help me,” he piped up.

Meg gave him a halfhearted shrug. “He was your boyfriend first… Or second- I’m still not entirely sure about the timeline of the whole thing.” Dean chuckled inwardly, and Meg looked at him genuinely for the first time since they’d known each other. “I just want my unicorn to be happy.”

The comment was pretty weird, if he was honest, but Meg was kind of weird, so he accepted it anyways. After she walked off- presumably going to keep Cas company- Dean was left alone to start coming up with ideas as fast as his mind could go. Dean needed to pull out all the stops with this one because if Cas wanted a scene, then _goddamnit_ , he's gonna get a scene.


	24. January 15-16, 2014

Castiel was sitting in the library by the window, trying to enjoy the view of the quad while he graded his first essay. The paper was on a subject he knew little about, but he was determined to impress his professor with a fair critique. _“According to Freud, personality development depends on the interplay of instinct and environment during the first five years of life. Parental behavior is crucial to normal and abnormal development. Personality and mental health problems in adulthood can usually be traced back to the first five years.”_ Castiel read the first three sentences of the paper over and over again. Subconsciously, he probably had them memorized, but he couldn’t focus.

He gazed out the window and watched the people outside. It wasn’t crowded, but there were a couple of people enjoying the weather. In particular, one couple caught his attention. They were relaxing together under a big tree outside, smiling and laughing, playfully hitting each other every so often. It was nice to observe. The sun was still out, but it was fading slowly. The city had been blessed with particularly exceptional weather in the last few days; it hadn’t rained since… Castiel sighed to himself sadly as he remembered back to when it last rained.

Cas had told himself he wasn't going to pray anymore. He knew that God just... He wasn't something Cas could believe in anymore. If God had some loose plan for him that Cas was responsible for somehow finding his way to, then maybe God should just tell him already. He was tired of making the same mistakes and ending up worse for wear with each one. Maybe letting Dean in was a mistake, maybe every single decision he ever made in his life was a mistake because  _somehow_ he ended up here. And any God that would just let Cas keep getting hurt like this wasn't a good guy at all.

Cas was done. He had no idea what to believe in anymore, and he was just trying not to slip into the unknown. He needed something to hold onto. Maybe the universe really did have a predetermined destiny for everyone, and maybe he wasn't making mistakes- maybe he wasn't even really playing a hand in any of this. Cas put his face in his hands, trying to save the existential crisis for a later date. 

He'd told himself he wasn't going to pray anymore, but still, he found himself sending up a silent prayer to anyone, anything that might be listening. Maybe God would be listening this time, if he was real. He prayed that he could find some peace, just for a period of time, he wanted to find some peace from his thoughts of Dean- from wanting to see him, from wanting to touch him again, from the constant loop of memories and emotions that completely circled around this guy that had wiggled his way right into the very depths of Cas's existence. He pleaded for sanctuary.

This time, Cas made it through two whole paragraphs before he got distracted again. He didn't even know what it even was that got his mind back off track- maybe it was because his eye caught on the word 'urges,' and didn't want to let go. It didn't matter why or how he got distracted, just that it happened. With a sigh, he decided to look back out the window. Cas wanted to see if the attractive couple was still in the same spot because he might be a little bit of a masochist sometimes; watching them be happy made him jealous, but he still loved seeing humans interact with each other candidly.

However, when he looked to the same spot, the couple was gone. Instead, there was someone else sitting by himself. Cas’s heart sank. _Dean_. Above all things he felt in that moment, he couldn’t help but feel especially resentful of God’s apparent disregard for his happiness. Honestly, though, if God was real, he was an asshole. All Cas did was ask for ten minutes of peace, and now- along with the already present emotional and mental invasion- Dean was invading his space physically, too.  _Or, not necessarily in my space, so much as my line of vision._

Castiel looked away almost immediately, trying to pretend like Dean wasn’t there. Cas was intently staring at the letters on the page in front of him, but none of them were connecting or forming words, just sitting on the paper staring right back at him. He was growing increasingly more frustrated with himself for being so weak. It was really unfortunate that such an amazing opportunity was afforded to him at such a bad time in his personal life. He wanted to do his best, but Dean had to go and ruin everything. _Dean always ruins everything._

Cas felt guilty for even thinking it because he knew that wasn’t true. Dean didn't  _ruin_ anything. Sure, he was responsible for their falling out. And sure, he broke Castiel into a million pieces, but he was still Dean- as much as Cas hated to admit. _He's still Dean._ And that was always what it came down to, wasn't it? That's the only way to put it. Over a million words in the English language, and it all came down to one: Dean.

Castiel sighed to himself and let his eyes roam back towards that tree and watched him. He hadn't shaved since before the incident, so his jaw was scruffier than usual. All that did was remind him of the last time Dean tried growing out his beard, and Cas pushed the memory away. Dean was strumming his guitar with a concentrated face. Castiel loved the way he played guitar; his fingers were so elegant in the way they moved despite their lack of confidence. The muscles of his arms moved every so often with the changing of the chords, and it reminded Cas of the way Dean’s arms would wrap around him and his muscles would flex every time he gently squeezed him, or when he was rubbing his hands along Cas’s skin.

Castiel hunched over and put his head on his hands on top of the desk. Dean’s expression changed, and he was obviously frustrated about something. He stopped strumming and put his guitar aside before picking up his notebook ( _the notebook I got him for Christmas_ ). Castiel smiled inwardly, completely forgetting whatever it was he was supposed to be doing. Dean quickly struck out something on the page and scribbled something else down. Jaw clenched, he reread what he’d written down and scratched that out as well. Dean absently put his pen between his teeth and tapped it up and down as he stared at the pages in his notebook. Dean closed his eyes and rubbed his thumb over his eyebrow, still discontented with whatever task he was working on. Cas was curious as to what Dean was so focused on, but he figured it would be in his best interest not to dwell too much on it.

 _Let’s just write this off as a psychological study. That’s all I’m doing: examining the uninterrupted behavior of someone. It’s for science._ Castiel didn’t really need to justify his watching Dean to himself, it’s not like it would’ve stopped him anyways. Dean had always had a way of fascinating him. Out of all the people Castiel had observed, Dean was always his favorite (of course he was). He wasn’t always animated in his gestures or expressions, so he got hard to read sometimes when he wouldn't look directly at Castiel, and Dean didn’t talk more than he needed to (for the most part, anyways), but his mind was always moving.

Cas could tell a lot about Dean by his eyes. They were very expressive. When he was thinking intently, they darted subtly in different directions, grabbing and releasing different ideas, putting puzzles together. When he was sad, his eyes would widen ever so slightly, and the light would catch on the wetness around his green irises. When he was flirting, his eyelids would lower, and he usually did this thing with his eyebrows that made Castiel's heart flutter. But Cas’s favorite time to see him was when Dean was happy. When he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkled; his eyes gleamed and sparkled in ways Castiel couldn’t exactly understand. It was such a warm and infectious happiness; Dean smiling at him was like basking in the sun.

Dean was also very obvious when he was staring, no matter the emotion behind it. He just devoted so much of his focus on Cas sometimes, it was easy to be overwhelmed by it. Over the time they've known each other, Cas would occasionally catch Dean's eye as Dean was already looking at him. Sometimes, Cas's attention would startle Dean out of his fixation, and Dean would play it off and look away. Sometimes, though, Dean would just keep looking; those times were the easiest for Cas to lose himself in.

Dean would keep his eyes locked onto Cas's until one of them eventually looked away, just letting Cas look right into his soul through those green, stained-glass windows that somehow showed Cas all that he ever needed to see. When Dean didn't have the words, couldn't express whatever it was he was feeling, his eyes were always there to get the message across. Key moments made their way into Castiel's memory just because of the specific look held in Dean's eyes. Even if Castiel might not have understood in the moment, the gaze would linger and resonate in Cas's brain for him to analyze later. 

There was a specific instance that Cas would so often go back to over the last few months, and that was the first time- the first time Cas's eyes ever locked onto Dean's. Cas hardly paid it any mind at the time. Dean was just some stranger across the room- on the surface, Cas noticed he just looked like some innately popular guy who wore a leather jacket and would've probably shoved Cas into the lockers if they'd gone to high school together, but there was just something about the way he held Cas's glance that stuck with Castiel. He had a natural kindness in his eyes, even before the familiarity, before the history they built, before it all- Dean still looked at him like he was more than the guy sitting by himself with a fading black eye concealed behind black-rimmed glasses, like he was more than the guy who had scars hidden beneath the sleeves of his jacket. 

Castiel snapped out of his thought process and blinked quickly. _Alright, so I’m definitely still in love with him- but it’s not my fault. It’s his fault. This all started because of him. I was just along for the ride… It’s not my fault he made me fall in love with him._ Cas decided it would probably be best to take himself out of the situation before he did something crazy- like rationalize going up to Dean and forgiving him just to kiss him, just to feel the warmth of him again… _Stop it right there._ Cas hurriedly packed up his things and decided to finish grading the paper elsewhere (somewhere with less distractions).

He quickly walked out the door of the library and realized that his only way back would have him crossing Dean’s path. _Naturally_. He looked around to see if there was any other possible way of leaving, but it was useless. Thankfully, Dean was at least far enough away that he didn’t notice Cas. Castiel fidgeted on his heels uncertainly, going over every possible scenario his mind could come up with. Eventually he took a deep breath and started walking. His mind was racing at breakneck speeds, and his feet subconsciously sped up to match. Maybe if he walked fast enough, he could zoom right by Dean without being noticed. As that big tree came up on his left, Cas ducked his head and watched the sidewalk in front of him, refusing to look in Dean’s direction.

No voice called out to him, there was nobody chasing him- Cas had made it to the other side of the quad free of confrontation. It was a little surprising, to say the least. _Maybe Dean really didn’t notice me… Maybe he’s given up._ He couldn’t deny the little wave of burning acid he felt in his chest at the second thought.

When he figured he was far enough past Dean, Castiel turned around and chanced a glance back to him. Dean was looking right at him, and their eyes met. Cas’s heart leapt and he was momentarily afraid- afraid that Dean would approach him (or worse: that Cas would approach Dean), but he remained frozen in place, unable to look away. After a moment, the corners of Dean’s lips turned up into a subtle half-smile, and he licked his bottom lip.

Castiel's heart made another attempt to leap out of his throat, and he sighed deeply. _God_ , _I miss you so much._  There was nothing more that Castiel wanted than to run over to Dean and take that stupid face into his hands and kiss away all of their problems, but he knew that wasn't possible. A kiss wouldn't fix this- wouldn't fix them. Instead, Castiel slowly turned around and continued walking away, holding onto his books a little tighter than before.

 

**& &**

 

Dean wasn't doing great. He was trying to pick up some momentum with the song-writing, but Dean's brain was just moving too fast for him to keep up with. He had too many thoughts, too many emotions, too much  _everything_ going on at once. Every time he put his pen to paper, he had a billion ideas trying to get out at once. It was all coming out like jumbled nonsense, and Cas deserved something perfect- not this. The trouble was Dean had no idea what  _perfect_ was.

Out of all the crap he and Cas have been through, how could he choose one instance to write about? He could write about the night he knew he had already fallen for Cas- the night the wind howled and rain came down harder than anything he'd ever witnessed before, when he and Cas connected on a level he didn't even think was possible. He could write about how maybe he's always been in love with him, how it took one look, and Dean couldn't get his face out of his head; he could write about how he just fell more and more in love with him every day, with every second they spent together until it became undeniable, unbearable. From the first glance to the last, how was he supposed to choose?

Out of all of the things Cas made him feel, how could he choose one emotion? He could write about how he needed to protect Cas from the world around him, how his happiness was _Dean's_ happiness, and how nothing was worth sacrificing it. Maybe Dean could write about the fact that Cas was the only person in the world who could make him feel the happiest, and was the only person who held all the power in the world to destroy it; maybe Dean would let him, if it meant Cas could be happy. He could write about how Cas could drive him up the wall one minute, then win him back over with just the way he pouted his lips without even trying. Even if every second with Cas was an emotional roller coaster inside of Dean, where Cas was the only person who could take him to the top and drive him to the bottom and back up again, it was a ride he never wanted to get off. How the  _hell_ was he supposed to write that?

Dean scratched all of that out. All of it. He was at the point where he would jot down one fucking word, and he would almost immediately cross it out. Nothing was good enough, and Dean was really starting to hate this whole process. At least it was nice out because maybe it just took a change of scenery, some fresh air, to get his creativity flowing. Mistake.

Dean was outside minding his own business, strumming away at his guitar and absently wondering if he could think of something that rhymed with 'I'm a huge piece of shit' when he looked up just to see Cas. Cas had his head ducked into his chest, his arms wrapped in front of his chest, tightly protecting a book (or himself), and staring straight at the ground as he speed-walked right past Dean. Immediately, Dean's hands fell from their place on his guitar, and he couldn't help but keep watching as Cas got farther and farther away.

He could call out to him to get his attention. He could get up and chase Cas down, pull him back into his arms and just hold him until their problems melted away. He could do a lot of things besides sit on his ass and watch helplessly like a fucking loser as the fucking... stupid love of his stupid life (which Dean's kinda pissed about because he's too young to be feeling something this intensely, but it's Cas, and... It's Cas.) walked as fast as he could just to avoid an interaction with Dean. He didn't do any of that, though. Instead, he just sat there, willing his heart to stop aching for five minutes- just  _five minutes_ of peace.

To make it worse (or better, he's not sure), Cas stopped when he was almost far enough away to not be noticed, and Dean's heart stopped at the same time. For the briefest moment, his heart let him believe that Cas would turn around and run back to him, or maybe just say  _something_ \- anything. His heart's a goddamn son of a bitch not to be trusted, though.

Cas turned around and their eyes met. Dean swallowed back the initial reaction of screaming because apparently he's a giant loser, and held Cas's gaze. There was just so much he couldn't read on Cas's expression. The pain was obvious, like looking at Dean was hurting him, but then there was something else... There was something in the way Cas's tightly knit eyebrows turned up in the middle, in the softness of his eyes, in the wistfulness of his sigh that Dean could see from yards away. That glimmer of  _something_ was what gave Dean hope.

He had no idea how one fucking moment of eye contact could feel like a year, but Cas always had a way of making him feel things that had no good or logical explanation. Dean just kind of lost himself in those few seconds that felt like a lifetime, imagined every single possible scenario for the seconds that would follow. Maybe he would regain feeling in his legs, and he'd get up and go to Cas, take him in his arms and just keep him there and never let him leave again. Maybe he could smile at Cas, and Cas would smile back, and maybe that would be all the hope he needed. So Dean let himself have that little gleam of hope, only to fall crumbling back into a heaping pile on the ground when Cas inevitably turned around and walked away.

He sat in his place, deflated for a few more moments- just in case Cas turned around because Dean  _knew_ he'd seen  _something_ for a reason- before he stood up, picked up his guitar and his notebook, and trudged his way back to the dorm. Immediately inside the door, he let his stuff fall to the ground, and without even thinking, he climbed under the unused, untouched sheets of Castiel's bed, and burrowed his face into Cas's pillow. He inhaled and held onto the pillow a little tighter before pulling the blanket up over his head. Dean wasn't doing great. He didn't want to talk about it.

 

**& &**

 

Cas wasn't doing great. He was losing his resolve, and he could feel himself slipping. It was like every other hour, he had to lock himself away somewhere just to steady his breathing because he was just  _that close_ to a breakdown. He felt so alone, so empty and hollow, he could practically feel the wind echoing through him when it blew. 

Every time the girls would try to drag him out of the room, Cas would just shut down. He didn't want to be anywhere because somehow, some way, _something_ was bound to make him think of Dean. He couldn't take it anymore. That fraction of a moment of eye contact outside of the library was still stuck to the forefront of Cas's mind, and it was taking every ounce of willpower he had not to text or call Dean, just to tell him that he's weak, and if Dean was willing to try hard enough, he could probably break through. But he didn't say anything, so Dean didn't either.

Meg was talking to him about something, but he wasn't really listening. Even though she was the only one he felt safe around right then, he still had no interest in talking (or existing), and he just wanted to lay there in Jo's bed until he withered away. He couldn't even hear what Meg was talking about, let alone actually listen; all he could do was think of Dean. It was ruining him.

Cas didn't even know what came over him, if his defenses were really that low that he was so easily swayed, but before he could even think, he was pulling out his phone and typing a message. _"I love you."_ In a blinding wave that crashed against him and knocked him senseless, he sent the message and immediately put his phone down.

Cas laid there in shock, staring at the ceiling and wondering why he was so stupid, why he would do something so reckless and thoughtless. Then, his mind drifted to what Dean's reaction would be, and he had approximately thirty seconds of heart-pounding anticipation before his phone buzzed in his hand. 

Castiel didn't want to look. He was too afraid of the damage he might've just caused; he was too ashamed of his weakness. He tried to breathe steadily as he prepared to look at the new message. Finally, Cas swallowed down the emotions that were sitting at the top of his throat, and checked the delivery.

_New Message: Charlie: "Aw, I love you too, Cas. We're about to grab some fro-yo down the street, you should come with!"_

Cas didn't respond. He just rolled onto his side with his back to Meg and curled in on himself.

"Um, hello? Kinda in the middle of talking here," Meg scoffed. She hesitated. "Clarence...?" Meg asked slowly. She snapped her fingers, but Cas just closed his eyes. "Cas?" He didn't respond.

Cas wasn't doing great. He didn't want to talk about it.

 

**& &**

 

 _"I’m drowning in your ocean-”_ Dean scratched the words out immediately. _“I’m ready/I’m ready for the storm/So bring your thunder and your pain/And, baby, let it rain.”_ He carefully reread the four lines over and over again. He silently sang the words in his head, but something was missing. He tried to strum a few chords on his guitar, but nothing was fitting. Dean let his head fall back against the unforgiving wall behind him. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine singing the words to Cas. _It’s wrong. It’s all wrong._ With an angry grumble, he once again scratched out the lines in his notebook. Dean tossed his notebook to the desk beside him and laid down on his bed and threw his arms over his face.

Dean felt completely wrecked. He’d gotten less than 5 hours sleep in the past two days- which was probably sadder, given the amount of time he spent moping in bed yesterday- because he was so focused on writing the perfect song for Cas. Originally, he figured the easy part would be putting his feelings onto paper, and the hard part would be trying to sack up in front of a room full of people and actually perform, but the whole damn process was going to be a challenge.

For some reason, none of the words he could think of were good enough. He’d already gone through five sheets of notebook paper just crossing off his failed attempts and moving onto something else on the next line. Dean tried pretty much every idea he had, but all he could seem to come up with lately were cheesy, lame-ass metaphors. Cas was always some form of nature: either the different colors of the sky, the ocean, the moon, a storm… Dean hated all of it. _I am so fucking tired of metaphors. Who the fuck am I? Dave Matthews Band?_

If there was anything Dean hated more than listening to cheesy love songs, it was writing them. _This should be considered torture_. For a second, he was actually so miserable, he kinda started to resent Cas. But, Dean noted, it wasn’t Cas who asked him to do this. Hell, Cas didn’t even know.

There were a lot of things Castiel didn’t know. He didn’t know how much Dean missed him, most importantly. Dean missed every single thing about Cas. He missed the obvious things like his face, the warmness of his skin, the sound of his voice. He also missed the way Cas’s hair got curly when he was sweating. He missed the way Cas’s hands would run along Dean’s skin even while Cas was fast asleep, like the urge to touch Dean was embedded all the way down to his subconscious. He missed the way Cas would get so absorbed in a book, he would curl in on himself and put his fingers against his lips in concentration. He even missed the way Cas would push his glasses higher up on his nose, and sometimes he’d put his finger to the glass by accident and make a smudge mark, and Cas would have to spend the next minute trying to clean his glasses. Cas had absolutely no idea how much Dean loved him, and that made Dean feel even worse about not being able to write him a song.

Dean took out his phone and quickly typed out a message he knew he wasn’t going to send. _“I can’t sleep. I need to hear you snore. I miss the smell of your hair. Please come back.”_ He reread the message a few times before deleting the words and putting his phone back down.

 _I’m such a pussy. Maybe I should be the ultimate pussy and just fuckin’ write down all the stupid things I love about him and just sing that._ Dean snorted inwardly at the thought. _How am I supposed to fit “I love the way your toes curl when I’m blowing you” into a love song?_

Dean slowly sat up and opened his notebook to the first page and stared at the hand-written note. Even before he had started writing in the book, he would read over the note over and over again and remember how special it actually was. _“You have a gift inside of you. Never forget that. I only hope that one day I can inspire someone the way you inspire me.   –Cas”_ Dean absently traced the letters with his index finger. He hated the sick feeling of guilt sitting in his stomach, churning over the shame in not being able to write a song to show how much Cas actually  _did_ inspire him. Cas inspired him too much- that was the problem. Dean shrugged to himself and decided maybe jotting down the things he loved about Castiel wasn’t such a horrible idea. _At least it’s something._

 _“Eyes- crazy, indescribable blue with wisdom that go beyond his years. Lips- they taste_ _like-"_ Dean found himself trying to perfectly phrase that taste so unique to Cas. _"-coffee and sin. Cheekbones. That dimple in his chin. The way he glares at me when I’m being an ass. The way we're both so stubborn, it drives us both up the wall. How cute he is when he pouts, and how I can get him to smile even when he's mad at me."_

 _"That reverent look in his eyes when he’s always looking at me even when I don’t deserve it."_  Dean sighed longingly before reminding himself to stay on track. _“His smile, his laugh- I don’t get to hear it as much as I want to, but he gets a crinkle in his nose every time he smiles too big. How much he cares about me, how much he makes me care about myself. His hands that undo me and put me back together like that's what they were designed for, like we were made for each other.”_

Dean chewed on the inside of his cheek and relaxed again on his bed, resting the notebook on his propped up knees. He couldn’t think of what else to write; not because there was nothing else, but because there was everything else. There wasn’t anything about Cas that he didn’t miss, that he didn’t love. It was everything about him. Dean scribbled on the paper: _“Everything.”_

If he was honest, even that didn't quite grasp at the way he felt. It wasn't just everything individually, it was how they all came together- how every detail about Cas worked in harmony to form  _Cas._ Dean pursed his lips thoughtfully and underlined the last word three times.  _Man, I miss the lobe of your ear. Where the fuck do I go from here?_ The thought was passing, but the words caught his attention. He picked up his guitar and plucked a few strings.

He strummed something slow and deliberate. It wasn’t terrible. _“Where do I go from here?”_ Dean sang quietly. He shook his head and started over with a different melody. _“Where do I go from here?”_ He repeated it a couple more times in different fluctuations. It needed work, but it wasn’t bad- and that was already more than he could say for the rest of the total crapfest he’d come up with so far. _That’s not the best way to start._ He sighed, still playing the same couple of notes on the guitar. _“Where do I begin?”_ His tone matched the way he sang the earlier line. He shrugged inwardly. _It’s really not half bad._

He moved the instrument and picked the notebook back up. _“Where do I begin?/With your eyes-“_ Dean paused, unsure of what to write next. He remembered back to New Year’s Eve when he first thought that Castiel’s eyes shone brighter than the clear, night sky. His lips tugged into a smile at the memory. _“-With your eyes that shine like stars.”_ Dean read the lines over again. It was plain and simple, but maybe it didn’t need to be extravagant to get his point across. Obviously the artsy, flowery lyrics weren’t working for him, so maybe simple was the way he was supposed to go. Dean sang the lines in a murmur to himself. He paused thoughtfully before picking up his guitar and playing the same few chords. _“Where do I begin? With your eyes that shine like stars? With your hands that heal all my scars?”_ Dean raised his eyebrows, impressed. He wrote the line down in the notebook.

He was thinking about Cas’s lips when his phone rang suddenly, taking him out of his zone. A little piece of him hoped it was Cas; he allowed himself that stupid glimmer of hope that he felt yesterday when Cas had looked back. Cas  _looked back at Dean_ , and Dean knew that had to mean something. He could've kept walking away without turning back, but Cas turned back- even if it was just for a second. Dean reached for his phone and flipped it open without checking the caller ID. “Hello?” He tried not to sound too eager.

“Winchester!” Dean was more than a little disappointed to hear Victor’s voice. “What’s going on?”

Dean sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Not much, man. I’m, uh… I’m working on something. What’s up with you?”

“I was trying to write this essay for my Trial Advocacy class. But, man, it makes me want to blow my brains out.” The boys laughed quietly. Dean didn’t make any effort to respond. “How're you doin'? We haven’t seen you around lately.”

Dean could tell his friend was genuine in his asking. “How am I doing? That’s a, uh... That's a good question.” He huffed a laugh to himself and brushed a hand over his hair. “I, uh... I think I’m gonna be okay.”

“That’s not very convincing. Whatever you’ve got going on, don’t let it beat you down.”

“Yeah, man. It’s just a lot of crap going on right now. You know how it goes.” It felt weird talking to someone again. He’d been completely shut in for so long, social interaction- even with a friend- felt unfamiliar.

“That I do. If there’s ever anything you need from me, or from any of us, let me know. You know we’ve got your back,” Victor spoke with a purposefully calming tone. For someone who rarely liked to get personal, he was pretty good at this kind of thing.

Dean looked at his notebook and had an idea. He smiled to himself. “Actually, I think there might be something you can help me out with. Are you still hooking up with Tiffany?"

Victor paused. “Crazy Tiffany, or Big Butt Tiffany?"

Dean laughed slightly. “Dude, I don’t even know. The one that works at that coffee shop in the city."

“That’s Sabrina, and no. We’re friends, but we stopped hooking up a long time ago."

“Do you think you could get her to pull a few strings?"

“Uh… Yeah, maybe. Why?” Victor asked uncertainly.

Dean relaxed in his chair and looked down at his notebook. “It’s kind of a long story.”


	25. January 17, 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: anxiety attack

Castiel was exhausted. Really. Fucking. Exhausted. He was tired of sharing a room with two women. He was tired of walking the extra distance from the girl’s dormitory to his classes. He was tired of being up all night, losing sleep. He was tired of not being able to focus in class. He was tired of _being tired_. Cas was stressed out more than ever, and it made him want to pull his hair out. The frustrations seemed to never end. It was as if every minute he seemed to find something else to be irritated about.

Gadreel had taken notice of his predisposition, much to Cas’s embarrassment. His professor was kind enough, asking questions in the hopes of getting to the root of the problem, but even that exhausted Castiel even further. _I’m done talking about Dean. I’m done thinking about him. I’m done letting this ruin my life. I’ve just got to realize he’s gone, and I have to move on._

Castiel tried to repeat the last thought to himself over and over, but it was driving him crazy. He wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to do _something_. Gadreel eventually decided to let him go without any assignments to help with over the weekend, and Castiel had been grateful. It was time he could use trying to catch up on sleep, or working on his other classwork. _I’m so far behind on everything. How did I let my life get so out of control?_

On the long walk back to his temporary home, Castiel made a mental note to file for a room change. Surely, Jo must want her space back. Autumn couldn’t come soon enough; he would be able to move into an apartment and not have to worry about sharing a room with anyone besides himself. Castiel rolled his eyes at the aching in his chest. _I’m so tired of this feeling. I’m so tired of missing him. Fuck Dean. Fuck everything about this._

Cas knew it was pointless to even think about Dean anymore. He’d given up. They’d both given up. Castiel blamed himself for breaking the last straw. _“And I _know_ we can make it through this. It’s _us_. We have to."_  Cas heard Dean’s words as clearly as he’d heard them that day. He still felt the pain of telling Dean he didn’t share the same faith in him. He knew the words would hurt Dean, but he couldn’t listen to him any longer- he couldn’t take  _another second_ of listening to Dean because it was bad enough that Dean’s voice was the only thing he could think about anymore.

 _"I want you. I'm not supposed to want you."_ Dean was drunk when he first admitted he wanted Castiel. Cas remembered the smell of beer on Dean’s breath and sweat on his skin, the way his words gave Cas goosebumps.

 _"I'm not gonna hurt you."_ It was the first time Dean made that promise back when they first took their… _situation_ to a new level. Castiel remembered how much he trusted Dean. Dean wasn’t going to hurt him. Cas snorted humorlessly to himself at the thought.

 _“I'm just glad we're back."_ Cas remembered Dean coming back from Kansas after Thanksgiving, pulling him into a surprisingly soft kiss and shrugging off the words like they didn’t mean anything. But even then, Dean was giving him butterflies.

 _"I wouldn’t leave you.”_ Dean spoke the words after Castiel had a minor panic attack on their way to Kansas. Cas remembered waking up that morning with Dean wrapped around him; it was the first time they’d slept together in the same bed.

_“Trust me.”_

Castiel could feel himself crashing. He hurried his pace and tried to shake the voice out of his head. He could feel an anxiety attack coming on, so he tried to take some deep breaths as he rushed up the stairs. _Breathe. Don’t think about it. Breathe. Don’t think about Dean. Breathe. Don’t think about the way he held your scars. Don’t think about the way he promised to protect you. Don’t think about Dean._ His heart was racing, somehow he forgot to breathe, but it was too late. Cas was crashing. When he finally made it to the room, he barged through the door and slammed it shut behind him.

 _“I don’t love you, Cas.”_ Castiel threw his things on the desk and sat down on the bed and braced himself, closing his eyes tightly. _“I don’t love you.”_ He tried to breathe. He reminded himself it was over, that he was past it. Nobody was around, all he had to do was breathe. _“I don’t love you.”_

His whole body was shaking, and his attempts at breathing were unsteady. Castiel started rocking in his place and bit down on his bottom lip until it was bleeding. _Breathe. Breathe. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. You can do this._ His wrists were aching; he could feel the scars on his body light up like they used to. A hot fire sparked in the pit of his stomach that he tried to ignore. _Breathe. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret. Remember who you’re fighting for. It isn’t your family, it isn’t your friends, it isn’t Dean. You’re fighting for yourself._   _You deserve to live. Breathe_. Castiel swallowed down the heavy lump in his throat a few times and let out a long, shaky breath. _You’re okay. You’re going to be okay._ He took another slow breath, this one more steady. _You’re going to be okay. You can do this._

Castiel felt his nerves slowly calm after a few more minutes of breathing and trying to meditate. He shook his head and licked away the taste of salt and copper on his mouth. “It’s okay,” he whispered to himself. He opened his eyes and ran his hands over his face. “I'm okay.” _So what if Dean doesn’t love me? That’s fine. It’s all fine._ Cas pretended he wasn’t lying to himself. He pretended everything really was fine.

Deciding it was better to be productive than let himself get sucked into the darkness again, he moved over to the desk where he’d thrown his school things and pulled out some work he needed to catch up on. For the first time in days, he made it through an entire assignment without thinking of Dean. Using the new momentum, Cas kept his concentration and focused all of the little energy he had on the paper he now had to write.

However, he only made it a paragraph into the paper when Meg came into the room and startled him. She noticed his visible jump and laughed. “Spook ya?”

Cas turned his head slightly towards her. “It’s fine. I’m just trying to get caught up on some work.” Meg shrugged off his answer and fell onto her bed with a sigh. Castiel turned back to his work and continued writing.

His friend sighed again, louder this time. “I am _so_ tired, I don’t know if I’m going to have energy for tonight.” For an acting major, she was being terribly overly-theatrical.

When Cas made no effort to respond to her obvious attempts to get his attention, she cleared her throat loudly. He shot her a questioning eyebrow and she pursed her lips at him pointedly. “I’m sorry; can I help you?”

“Aren’t you going to ask what I’m doing tonight?” Meg asked with a tilted neck.

Cas stared at her flatly. “What or who?” Meg slotted her eyes without amusement. “Fine. _What_ are you doing tonight?” he asked with false interest.

“Well, I heard from a guy who knows a guy who knows another guy that they’re having another open mic night at that café in the city.” Cas looked away. _Definitely not interested._ “Oh, come on. You should come.”

“No, thank you.” Castiel turned back to his paper and pretended to type something.

Meg groaned and walked over to Jo’s bed and laid down so she was next to his face. _Please, for the love of God, stop._ “Why not? You allergic to havin’ fun or somethin’?”

“I have plenty of fun.”

Meg snorted and rolled over on her back. “Whatever you say, cowboy. As disgusting as it sounds, going out with the girls could be the pick-me-up you need.”

“Who says I need a pick-me-up?” Cas mumbled below his breath. Meg glared at him knowingly. “I’m fine.” Her look didn't waver. "I'm  _fine_."

“Sweetcheeks, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re kinda bringing everyone down lately.” _Wow._ Cas’s chest hurt thinking about how tired his friends must be of him. _I am so selfish._ Meg cleared her throat awkwardly. “That wasn’t what I meant.”

“No, you’re right.” He took a deep breath and shut his laptop. “I suppose I do need to make more of an effort into not being… _completely_ miserable.”

Meg clapped her hands together. “That’s the spirit…” She could still read the pained expression on his face and made a swaying gesture. “Sort of. So, you’ll come with us?”

Cas sighed. He wished he wanted to go, but he _really_ didn’t. “Did I mention I have a lot of work to catch up on?”

Meg groaned and put her hands on his shoulders and leaned against his back. “Dude, we’re leaving in two hours, so you’ve got plenty of time to work on your precious homework or whatever.”

“You’re really not going to let me stay here, are you?”

He felt Meg grin against the back of his head. “Now what kinda girl would I be if I let a hot piece of ass like you sit in a room alone on a Friday night?”

Cas felt a smile tug on his lips, and he shook his head. “Fine.” Meg slapped her hands on his cheeks and pinched them, ripping a small laugh out of his chest. He swatted her hands away. “Don’t make a big deal out of it. I’m only going because you’re pestering me about it.”

Meg stepped back and shrugged. “Honey, I’ve done a lot more for a lot less.” She pointed at him as she backed out towards the door. “Two hours,” Meg warned. She opened the door and pointed at him harder. “Seriously, even if you’re not ready. Even if you’re _dead_ , I’m dragging your ass out of here.”

Castiel gave her a feeble smile. “Duly noted.” She winked at him and walked back into the hallway, closing the door behind her. Castiel let out a deep breath. “I guess I’m going out tonight,” he mumbled to the empty room.

He went back to focusing on his paper- and definitely not at all thinking about how dreadful it was going to be to go into the city. _Especially to some place I went with Dean. On a date- Well… Not a date, but still._ He rolled his eyes at himself and continued typing. In general, he supposed he should be grateful to have friends who wanted him to be happy. They wanted to distract him from his misery in their own way, and he had been closed-in a lot the past few days. _So, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try to have fun. Be optimistic for once._

He made surprising headway on his paper and decided after an hour and a half, he would rather spend the remainder of his time getting ready for the evening. Castiel looked through his bag of clothes, wishing he could find his blue plaid button-up and black vest, but he didn’t exactly have access to all of his clothes. _Maybe I could go back to the room… Just for the shirt. Dean probably isn’t even there. I could just get in and get out- no harm, no foul._ Castiel sat on the edge of the bed and sighed, knowing there was no way he was going back to that room any time soon. He took out a white button-up shirt instead and put it on.

He sat in the spot silently, without moving or even blinking for a while. Even the little things made him feel hollow. He couldn’t even wear his favorite shirt because that would mean he’d have to see the place he shared with Dean, the bed he shared with Dean, the memories he shared with Dean- he’d have to see Dean. Cas shook his head and covered his face with his hands. _So much for progress._

A part of Cas wanted to pick up his phone and tell Dean how much he missed him- actually call him this time instead of sending an ill-advised text to the wrong person. He wanted to tell Dean how he couldn’t sleep at night because his body yearned for his warmth so badly. But the fact of the matter remained: Dean didn’t love him. Dean didn’t love him, and there was nothing Castiel could do to change that. Castiel groaned quietly into his hands and decided the girls were probably going to have to literally drag him out of the room because he didn’t have enough energy to move.

To his surprise, though, when the girls came back to the room all dolled up and perky, their positive spirits were just enough to get him off the bed. As they made their way to the taxi, the girls joked around and laughed, talking about how nice it was to go out and enjoy a Friday night in the city. Cas remained silent, watching the ground as they walked and watching the scenery pass them by while they rode in the cab.

Charlie finally nudged Cas in the side to get his attention. “Hey… I know it kinda sucks that we’re dragging you out, but I promise,” she squeezed his arm gently and smiled at him. “Tonight’s going to be awesome.”

Cas sighed with a half-smile, looking down at his lap. _That’s awfully optimistic._ “I hope you’re right.”

Charlie obviously bit back a grin and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a half hug. “Trust me, dude.” She tousled his hair, and Cas ignored the pain in his chest. _“Trust me.”_

When they finally arrived at the café, Castiel was taken aback by the giant crowd. Jo whistled appreciatively. “Full house tonight," she mentioned.

Cas fidgeted in his seat. “Maybe we should go somewhere else- or maybe even go back to campus-“

Jo laughed and tugged him out of the cab playfully. “You’re not gettin’ off that easy. Let's go.”

As he stiffly made his way through the crowd outside behind the girls, he couldn’t help but notice how many faces he recognized as peers from school. _Maybe there’s a special at the bar for students._ Somehow when they got inside, there was a sizable booth next to the stage available. Plenty of people were standing around, or sitting in all of the seats around them, but the best booth was still open. The girls decided it would be a good spot and they hurriedly made themselves comfortable.

Castiel got a very weird vibe from the whole thing. He sat rigidly in his seat and fidgeted with his hands, eyes darting around the room. “Why is it so packed in here?” He switched his glance to his friends and they all exchanged unknowing looks and shrugs, which only made him feel even more uneasy. “Do you know something?”

“I know nothing. I am practically Jon Snow, that’s how much nothing I know,” Charlie said innocently. Cas squinted at her skeptically. She threw up her hands in defense.

Meg leaned across the table towards him. “Try to relax, alright?” Cas took a deep breath and nodded. Jo put her hand on his knee reassuringly and Cas tried to calm down. His instincts were screaming at him to leave- like he was about to be ambushed- but the hand on his leg kept him grounded. “I’m gonna go order us some drinks,” Meg said as she stood up.

Cas opened his mouth to tell her to stay, but Meg was already gone. The stage was still empty and the house lights were still up, but the crowd had started making their way inside. The room was packed at this point, and Castiel recognized a good portion of the crowd. Startling him, Jo stood up straight and yelled, “Ash! Over here!” She waved her hand, and Castiel looked over his shoulder to see the mullet-topped boy swaggering over with a smile.

Jo bumped his fist before Ash pulled up a chair to their booth and sat in it backwards. “What’s crackin’?”

“Actually,” Cas piped up. Ash turned his attention to him. “Do you know what’s going on here?”

Ash shook his head slowly. “Whattya mean?”

“It’s just… Last time we came here, the bar was practically deserted, and now…” He gestured to the people to finish his sentence. “And _they_ won’t tell me anything.”

Ash opened his mouth to respond, but the house lights dropped and the spotlight on the stage came to life suddenly. “Show’s starting!” Ash excitedly drummed on the table before turning his chair around and putting his elbows back on the table as he faced the stage.

Jo reached for his knee again and squeezed, and Castiel couldn’t ignore the grin on Charlie’s face- or the looks the girls exchanged. Cas’s heart was racing with anxiety. “What-“ Charlie put a silencing finger to her lips and pointed at the stage.

Cas turned his attention to the person walking up on stage and recognized Victor immediately. Victor walked up to the microphone and cleared his throat, tapping on the mic a few times. “Testing one-two. Is this thing on?” After hearing some feedback, Victor smiled and raised his voice. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I’m your host, and _eligible bachelor_ , Victor Henriksen. I’m here to present a very special guest.” Castiel furrowed his brow in confusion. He glanced at his friends, but none of them were paying attention to him. “Not only is this dude one of my best friends, but he’s also apparently a rock star, and we had no idea.” There was a scattered laughter from the audience, but Castiel’s stomach dropped. _No_. “For the first time ever, making his stage debut! We are very pleased to present-“ _No_. “- Mister Dean Winchester!”

Victor led the whole room into uproarious applause, and Cas suddenly felt like he was going to throw up. He quickly stood up to leave, but someone quickly darted next to him, blocking him into the booth. The boy- Adam, he noticed- grinned at him playfully. “Oh, hey, guys! Crazy meeting you here. Mind if I have a seat?” He didn’t wait for Cas to say anything, instead scooting him over and sitting next to him, making himself comfortable. “Thanks! You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find a seat in this place.”

Castiel couldn’t even find words to articulate, instead just silently wishing Meg would come back. He tried to look around the room, but it was too full for him to spot her. He felt closed in and claustrophobic, and he could definitely feel a panic setting in. “I had _no_ idea Dean was playing!” Charlie declared with wide eyes. Cas shot her a glare, and she laughed. “I’m sorry; I swear I didn’t know until the other day.”

“You could’ve warned me,” Castiel hissed, loud enough to be heard above the murmuring crowd. Charlie and Jo both shrugged helplessly, and Cas shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest.

A few moments later, he saw someone walking on stage with an acoustic guitar, and his heart pounded violently in his chest. _Dean_. He was working his way to the middle of the stage, and- _Damn him for looking good._ He still hadn't shaved, and Cas quickly dismissed the passing memory of how it tickled his lips the first time Dean had grown it out. He was wearing a very plain outfit- black tee shirt and jeans- but it really made Castiel miss the way that cotton shirt felt under his fingertips. Castiel shook his head and looked down at the table.

Jo whistled with her fingers loudly. “Yeah, Dean!” She, Charlie, and Adam pounded on the table in an encouraging gesture. The crowd applauded again, lighter this time.

Cas looked up just in time to see Dean smile nervously at his feet. He leaned into the microphone awkwardly, still not looking at the crowd. “Thank you.” Cas wished he could tell his heart to stop skipping because it was really getting annoying. Dean cleared his throat uncomfortably and slung his guitar in place. “You’re gonna have to, um-“ Dean cleared his throat again and someone off stage brought him a bottle of water, which he gratefully accepted. He drank from it and placed it on the stool next to him. “You’re gonna have to be patient with me; this is my first time.” Adam whistled loudly, inciting scattered laughter from the audience, and he saw Dean blush. “Shut up. You know what I mean.”

Castiel could tell how nervous Dean was; he could practically _feel_ him shaking even with the distance between them. He felt himself silently telling Dean to be strong, and to stay confident. Cas still wasn’t sure what was going on, but his heart still wanted to support Dean.

Dean started playing a few chords slowly, messing up once before finding his rhythm. He leaned into the microphone again, and Cas subconsciously stopped breathing. “I’d like to just say a few things before I actually get into this. Um… So, this song was written for someone really special to me.” Cas’s chest tightened, as did the grip he held on his own arms. “I’m sure you know who you are- if you’re even here…” Dean looked up for the first time and squinted into the audience, still plucking the notes on his guitar. When he didn't spot Cas, Dean let his eyes fall back down. “I, uh… Well, I hope you’re here because there’s so much I need to say to you. I really fucked up. I can never really explain what I did, or why I did it, but I was scared.” The last word got caught in Dean’s throat and he swallowed. “I was scared of you, and scared of myself. But… I hope you’re here, and I hope you’re listening. Because I’m about to make a complete fuckin’ ass of myself, and you’d better be here to see it,” Dean ended with a smile.

Cas felt himself smiling as another scattered laughter rose from the audience. He chewed on his bottom lip and completely missed all the looks his friends were giving him. “Alright, enough stalling," Dean said after he took a deep breath. "This song is called ‘I’m an Idiot. Please Hear Me out Because I’m Sorry I Hurt You, and If You Come Home to Me, I Swear I’ll Never Stop Making It up to You. I’m Also Sorry This Title Sucks, I Couldn’t Come up With Anything Else.’”

A laugh bubbled up from Cas's chest, and he bit his lip to hold back a smile. Dean took a few deep breaths, nodding along while he kept playing the same couple of chords on his guitar. He closed his eyes and leaned closer to the microphone. _“Where do I begin?”_ All very suddenly, Cas realized he was going to cry. Dean had _just_ started singing, and he was already sucked in. Cas shook his head and held his breath.

 _“With your eyes that shine like stars? With your hands that heal my scars?”_ Cas felt Charlie reach over to squeeze his arm, and Adam nudged him in the side. He uncrossed his arms and put his elbows on the table and covered his mouth, hiding his tight smile. _“With your lips that kiss away the pain? Your lips_ … _Those lips of coffee and sin_. _Where do I begin?”_ Dean leaned back and changed the progression slightly, only opening his eyes to look down at his own hands.

Cas found himself silently begging for more. Dean walked back up to the mic and sang with a little more confidence, but still not enough to open his eyes. _“Where do I go from here? I miss the way you crinkle your nose. I miss the way you curl your toes- when I’m going down on you.”_ Castiel laughed with the audience and felt himself blush. Jo and Adam both shoved him teasingly. Dean grinned and shook his head. _"_ _I even miss the lobe of your ear._ _Where do I go from here?”_

Dean licked his lips and changed the tune up again, this time quicker. There was another scattered applause from the audience and someone from the crowd whistled. Dean returned to the microphone and sang louder. _“Oh, it’s everything about you. It’s everything you do. Because you’re everything I see.”_ Dean opened his eyes for the first time and looked over at Cas’s table, finally locking eyes with Castiel. _“And you mean everything to me.”_

The first tear fell onto Cas’s heated cheek, and he felt himself smiling harder than he’d ever smiled before. Dean grinned widely at him, and Cas saw him turn red. Dean played the guitar faster and suddenly the audience was applauding rhythmically after someone started it. Dean eagerly leaned into the mic, never breaking eye contact with Castiel. _“I love your face, I love your waist, I love your chest, I love your zest_ … for… life? Maybe?” Castiel bit back a giggle. Dean shrugged and shook his head. _“I love your laugh, I even love your fucking calf. I love your big, fat heart. Hell, I even love it when you fart-_ “ Dean stopped playing momentarily. “You do it in your sleep.” The audience laughed again, and Dean resumed playing after shooting Cas a wink. _“I love your messy hair, I love your constant stare. Your smarts, your wits, your sass-“_ Dean stopped playing again and pointed directly at him. “I even love that goddamn freckle on your ass!”

More happy tears fell from Cas’s eyes, and he could feel himself shaking. Dean resumed playing quieter, mirroring the way he'd played in the beginning. _“I guess what I’m trying to say… Is in every shape and every way,"_  Dean let his eyes shut as he beautifully drew out the last note. _"I really, really, really, really-_  " He opened his eyes again to look at Cas. "I really fucking love you, Cas.”

He finished playing a few more notes before coming to an end, and everyone in the audience stood up and roared their applause. Castiel shot up faster than all of them and pushed his way past Adam- who had started to move out of the way, but wasn’t fast enough. Castiel darted directly for the stage and couldn’t slam into Dean fast enough. Dean barely had time to move his guitar to the side before Cas was wrapped around him and sealing their lips together faster and with more certainty than anything he’d ever done before.

It was better than a thousand fireworks on the Fourth of July, more powerful than thunder and lightning; it was so much more than Castiel could even put into words. It was _Dean_ , and Dean was kissing him. Dean _loved him_. Dean was wrapping his arms around his waist, hugging him tightly and lifting him off his feet. Dean was smiling against his lips, and they were both crying, but neither of them cared.

The audience started hooting and shouting, banging on their tables and whistling their cheers, and Castiel laughed. He clung onto Dean tighter and never wanted to let go. “I love you,” Dean whispered against his lips. He kissed him deeper. “God, I love you so fucking much. I’m such an idiot. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so-“

Cas shook his head and kissed him quiet. “I love you, too, Dean.”

They smiled and pecked each other’s lips a few more times before remembering they were basically making out in front of the whole university. They parted just enough so Dean could lean into the microphone, his arm never leaving Cas’s waist and Cas’s arms never leaving Dean’s. Dean laughed awkwardly into the mic. “Thank you, guys.” He lifted his hand to wave to the audience and everyone cheered some more. Dean leaned away and looked back at Cas with the biggest grin. He placed another soft kiss to Cas’s lips, and Cas melted into it, moving his hand to cup Dean’s scruffy jaw.

Victor clapped as he walked up to the mic, and the boys made their way off stage. Victor gave Dean a congratulating pat on the back as they passed. “One last time for our boy, Winchester!” The crowd cheered again, and Cas could feel his cheeks hurting from smiling so much, but he couldn't be bothered to care. All he could do was stare at Dean. He’d never felt so proud, so loved, or so happy in his life. This was the moment he never knew he’d been waiting for, the moment everything was put back together just the way it should be. 

 

**& &**

 

“Dude, you were amazing!” Jo quickly pulled Dean into a half-hug when he and Cas reached the booth. It would’ve been a full hug, but Dean didn’t intend on letting go of Castiel anytime soon. Dean’s heart was still racing, and his face felt like it was on fire, but everything was okay. Everything was better than okay, it was perfect. He had Cas, and that was all that mattered.

His other friends agreed and kept nudging him as they sat down in the booth. “Thanks. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”

Castiel scoffed. Dean moved his arm to wrap around Cas’s shoulder. “Not a big deal?” Dean shrugged it off, and Cas slung his arm around Dean’s waist comfortably. Castiel's hand squeezed on his waist in lieu of speaking further.

“Dean, that was literally _the_ most romantic thing I have ever witnessed,” Jo added.

“I know, right?” Charlie exclaimed animatedly. The waitress brought over a round of beers- not bothering to check their IDs despite Dean and Ash being the only ones at the table old enough to drink- insisting they were on the house. “Like, seriously, who knew you were such a sap?”

Dean felt another blush creep up his neck, and he absently fidgeted with his drink. “Shut up.”

Dean ignored the rest of the praise the girls sang about him from across the table. “I’m so proud of you,” Cas mumbled into his ear, resting his chin on Dean's shoulder. Dean grinned at him and looked into his eyes. _God, I missed your face so much._ He gave Cas’s shoulder a thanking squeeze before relaxing back in his seat.

“So does this mean you two are going to shove your pride up your asses and get along?” Jo unconsciously mimicked Dean’s position and cozily slung her arm over Charlie’s shoulders, and they snuggled closer.

He felt Castiel shrug. “Maybe. I mean… He’s kind of annoying, isn’t he?” Dean scoffed playfully at Cas's words, and he dug his fingers into Cas’s ribs, eliciting a laugh from him. Cas elbowed him in the side, and Dean acted wounded. “See what I mean?”

“Ah, you love it,” Dean said with a kiss to Cas’s temple. Cas shrugged again and turned his head enough to kiss him on the lips gently.

Adam made a pained face. “Oh, God, this is just too much," he inserted. "It’s too cute. I might die.” Dean kicked him in the shin, and Adam laughed.

“I agree- it _is_ too cute," Charlie agreed with a challenging tone. "No way you’re taking over as cutest couple.” Charlie defensively wrapped her arms around Jo and pouted. “ _We’re_ the cute ones. We were here first.”

“Ah, you guys are old news.” Dean pretended to give her an attitude. “Maybe serenade your girlfriend in public with a song you wrote, and maybe- just _maybe_ \- you guys might be cute again.” He tilted his head for emphasis and tipped his beer back. Cas huffed a laugh into his drink and shook his head.

“Seriously, that’s gonna be pretty hard to beat. I mean, I’m straight, and I totally would’ve fallen for that,” Adam added in. Dean and Cas swayed together as someone else started playing on stage. Dean placed a small kiss to Cas’s head, and Cas relaxed against him.

Charlie pretended to be heartbroken and playfully sobbed against Jo’s chest and Jo stroked her hair soothingly. “It’s okay, baby. We’ll always be the cutest in my heart.”

“It’s not the same!" Charlie wailed. 

A hand clapped down on Dean’s free shoulder and almost startled him. “Did I hear Milligan say he’s in love with Winchester now?” Victor punched Adam in the arm as he sat down in the last free spot at their table. “What happened to your crush on Cas?”

Cas’s head perked up, and Dean burst into a laughing fit. Adam defensively tried to redeem himself. “How many times do I have to say it wasn’t a crush?” He turned to Cas. “It wasn’t a crush.” He looked to Dean pleadingly. “It wasn’t a crush- tell him it wasn’t a crush.”

“Are you saying my boyfriend isn’t totally crushable?” Dean glared at Adam and clung onto Castiel tighter. “What, he isn’t good enough for you?”

“I’m hurt,” Castiel said quietly, turning away and feigning a pained expression.

“Now, look what you’ve done! Damnit, Adam!” Dean teasingly scorned.

“Yeah, man, not cool,” Ash butted in with a shake of his head. He clinked Cas’s beer bottle with his own. “I’d totally have a crush on you if I was into dudes.” Castiel nodded to him in thanks and grinned.

Adam groaned and put his face in his hands. Victor clapped him on the shoulder. “You’re gonna be okay.” Victor chuckled and kicked back in his seat, admiring Dean and Cas with a shake of his head. “I still can’t believe we didn’t know about you two.”

“I know! I thought the same thing when I found out. We were always saying they’d be a cute couple, weren’t we?” Jo nodded in agreement with Charlie. “But they wouldn’t listen. We figured it was just a serious case of bromance, but wow. This  _whole time,_ you two were fooling around. I’m actually impressed.”

“Tell me about it. I was pretty surprised when you told me last night. Don’t get me wrong, I figured you weren’t straight a while back," Victor said casually. Embarrassed, Dean opened his mouth to ask how he knew. "You're not that slick, Winchester. Plus, I looked up Tayte Hanson."

Dean felt heat rush to his chest. "Oh yeah, you were right; he is way hotter than me," Adam inserted with an accepting nod.

Victor continued on. "But you and Cas, man… I couldn’t believe I was so blind. I mean…” Victor shook his head in disbelief again. “You guys are so obvious! I am gonna be the worst fucking detective.”

Everyone laughed, and Cas sat up straight to look at Dean. “How many people did you tell?”

Dean pretended to count the people in the crowd individually. “Uh… A hundred?” Cas nudged him. “I only told two people- three people if you include Sam. Henriksen was the one who spread it around.”

Cas looked at his face searchingly. “Why?” Cas put his chin back to Dean's shoulder.

Dean took a deep breath, shrugging inwardly. “I wanted to show you that I didn’t care about what other people thought of me anymore.” He gazed into those ocean blue eyes and never wanted to look away. “I only care about you.”

The girls aww’ed cutely, and Castiel’s lips spread into a grin. Dean leaned over and kissed him again. “You are  _so_ cheesy,” Cas mumbled against his lips.

“Oh, get a room!” Jo threw a piece of paper at Dean’s face in mock disgust.

“That doesn’t sound like a horrible idea,” Dean muttered to him. Cas raised his eyebrows in agreement, and Dean hurriedly stood up. He grabbed his guitar case in one hand, Cas’s hand in the other. “ _We_ will see _you guys_ next week,” Dean said with a quick wave over his shoulder. The group collectively made disgusted noises as he tugged Cas behind him.

When they made it outside the building, Dean turned and stopped abruptly, sending Castiel crashing into his chest. They laughed, and Dean brought him in for another kiss. Cas sighed contentedly and balled his fist into Dean’s shirt, bringing him closer. _I’m never getting over this._ Dean parted their lips and pecked Cas’s nose when it scrunched up. “Why are you so weird?" Cas teased.

Dean brought his hand up and stroked Cas’s cheek with his thumb fondly. “I’m just glad we’re back, is all.” Cas licked his lips, and Dean relished in the pink of his cheeks. Dean nodded towards the Impala. “Let’s get out of here.” With Cas’s hand in his, they walked to the car. Dean put his guitar away in the trunk before climbing in the driver’s seat. Quietly, they pulled out onto the road. Dean nudged Cas towards him, and Cas scooted over to press himself against his side. “So, I gotta ask: what happened with 'Brews?"

Cas let out a deep sigh. “We really have a lot to catch up on. I can’t believe it’s only been a few days… Well, basically, Sunday was horrible from beginning to end.” Dean shifted, blaming himself for how badly it ended. “I woke up late, and Zachariah fired me. I don’t know what happened after that… I just kind of exploded on him.”

“Tell me _exactly_ what he looked like when you ripped him a new asshole.”

Cas chuckled and scooted closer, resting his head between Dean’s chest and shoulder. “Completely dumbstruck. Speechless. It was such a good feeling.”

Dean moaned. “Damn, that’s so hot. I’m proud of you. Gotta say, though, I would’ve hit him if I were you.”

“I know you would have. After that, I actually got offered something of a teacher’s assistant position alongside my Social Psychology professor.”

Dean looked down at Cas and shook his head in wonderment. “Dude, that is so awesome! I’ve never even heard of an underclassman being a T.A.”

“It’s not a technical position yet, but Gadreel says it could turn into the real thing in the fall if I do well enough.” Dean wanted to ask who Gadreel was and why he sounded like a sexy professor, but Cas kept talking. “I don’t know how good my first impression has been though… I haven’t been in the best mood.”

Dean blamed himself, still. It _was_ his fault- all of it was. He knew about Cas’s depression, but he was selfish enough to ruin their relationship for the sake of his ‘manhood’. “Cas…” Castiel looked up at him and it took all of Dean’s might to not fall into his eyes, trying to focus on the road ahead of them. “You have no idea how sorry I am. And I’m never going to be able to apologize enough.” Castiel opened his mouth to interrupt, but Dean shook his head. “Please, let me finish.”

Cas closed his mouth with a small sigh. “There’s absolutely no excuse for what I did to you. I was a coward, and I was a jerk about it." Dean clenched his jaw momentarily, still so disappointed with himself. "Deep down, I knew I loved you for so long, but I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t let myself be happy… But _you_ make me happy. I had to man up and realize that, and I was too late. I pushed you away, and I hurt you even though that's the last thing I ever wanted to do.” Dean sighed and shook his head, turning into the parking lot by their dormitory. They were silent until he parked the car and turned off the ignition. He turned and took Cas’s face in his hands, searching his eyes. “I will _never_ be able to apologize enough. You didn’t deserve it.”

Cas tilted his head and smiled sadly. “Dean…”

“ _You didn’t deserve it_. You are such a good person. You are such a caring, genuinely beautiful person; and I love you so much. Cas, baby, you inspire so much in me- you have no clue. I definitely don't deserve you. You make me want to be a better person, and you make me want to work harder so I can eventually deserve you. And I promise I will _never_ stop trying to deserve you.” Cas grinned at him, speechless for a while. Dean licked his lips before nodding finally. "That's it."

Cas's smile widened before he spoke. “You called me baby again.” Dean felt a laugh bubble up inside him, and he rolled his eyes before Cas brought their lips together. Cas brought his hands up to Dean’s collar and stroked his neck with his thumb. Dean sighed contentedly, parting his lips and losing himself in the feeling of Castiel's lips sliding between his own. Cas wrapped his hand around the back of Dean's neck and deepened the kiss, leaning closer to Dean with a soft breath. “I missed you so much,” he murmured into his lips.

Dean moaned and sunk into the kiss, letting Cas push closer until he was straddling Dean's lap. Cas nipped at Dean’s bottom lip before slowly pulling his lips off and kissing the spot just underneath the point of Dean’s jaw, and Dean shuttered. He felt Cas breathe a small laugh against his ear before kissing the spot again. He shivered again, and before Cas got a chance to do it again, he moved his head to recapture Cas's lips. “We need to get inside. _Now_ ,” Cas growled quietly against the side of his lips.

“Mm, yes, sir.” Despite agreeing to go inside, Dean didn’t move, just kept kissing Cas’s lips. Cas eventually pulled away and Dean pouted. Castiel grinned and reached behind him to open the car door and shimmy his way out. Dean licked his lips and hoisted Cas's thigh up so Cas teetered on the edge of falling out of the Impala; Dean took advantage of Cas's position and slapped his ass, eliciting a surprised laugh from Cas and sending him to his hands against the pavement. “ _Hot damn_ , it’s good to be back.”

Dean climbed out after him and helped him back up. Dean began walking quickly towards the building with Cas hot on his heels. With a quick glance over his shoulder, he picked up the pace and started running.

“ _Dean_!” Cas called from behind him. Dean started sprinting, and Castiel caught up very quickly. Dean laughed as Cas passed him, following him through the doors and up the stairs. “You can’t beat me!” Dean bounded up the stairs two at a time and closed the distance between them, reaching out for Cas’s jeans when they reached the top of the stairs. His fingers barely caught them, but pulled Cas back enough to run ahead of him. “You’re such a cheater!”

Dean’s shoulder caught the edge of a wall as he turned the corner to their room and spun out of control. “ _Shit_ ,” he hissed with a small wince. He cursed again when he realized Cas made it to the room before him. He walked to the door and put his groin to Cas’s ass as he tried to unlock the door, pressing against him insistently. Cas giggled and got pushed inside once he got the door open.

Castiel hurriedly turned around and caught Dean as he fell into him again, almost knocking him over. They brought their lips together feverishly, someone slamming someone else up against the nearest desk- neither of them really knew who was doing what, it was all happening so fast. Dean made quick work of unbuttoning Cas’s shirt. Cas quickly shucked it off and immediately brought his hands to the hem of Dean’s t shirt and raised it off of him, tossing it aside and bringing their chests together.

Everything seemed to be flying by so quickly, before he even realized it, Castiel was panting against Dean's lips as he walked them over to his bed. He slid his hands down Dean’s bare back and down to cup his ass before lifting him up. Dean unwillingly let out a laugh and clumsily fell onto the bed. Cas unbuttoned his jeans and undressed down to his boxers with urgency, and Dean followed suit. Cas helped finish taking them off, tossing them across the room, and climbed on top of Dean. “You’re so eager,” Dean teased.

Castiel grinned and slid between Dean’s legs, bringing their barely-clothed groins together with a moan he muffled by kissing Dean's lips. Dean mewled and rolled into the sensation, bringing his hands to Cas’s back. Cas released Dean’s lips and began kissing the side of his neck, rubbing his hands all over any skin he could touch. “I missed touching you so much,” he murmured against Dean’s neck. He kissed the sensitive spot on Dean’s collar and a shiver ran down Dean's spine.

“Fuck, I missed you too,” he breathed in return, closing his eyes. "Missed you so much." Dean loved every second of this, letting Cas do whatever he wanted. Every touch electrified him, feeling like it was their first time all over again. Castiel kissed down his neck and across his chest, continuously rolling his hips and driving Dean crazy.

Cas’s tongue danced over Dean’s nipples lightly before he worried them between his lips. Dean sighed pathetically, melting into every touch more and more. Cas’s fingers grazed down his stomach, over his belly button, down his happy trail and connected with the waistband of his boxers. Excitedly, Dean moved his hands to the back of Cas’s head and pulled him up into a deep kiss. Cas moaned into it and teasingly dipped his fingertips below the waistband and lightly touched the sensitive skin underneath. Dean let out a long breath against Cas’s open mouth, and he saw Cas’s hooded eyes flicker across his features.

Cas grazed his bottom lip on Dean’s as his hand slid down and cupped Dean’s hardened dick. Dean immediately sought more, rolling his hips up into Cas’s hand. “ _Fuck_ ,” he cursed quietly. Cas quickly brought their lips back together for one last unchaste kiss before moving his lips down Dean’s stomach. Dean kept his hands in Cas’s hair and rolled into every touch of his mouth to his body. They hadn’t even gotten their boxers off and Dean was already unraveling quickly.

Castiel kissed over Dean’s hips and the bottom of his stomach as he pulled down his boxers, releasing Dean’s already throbbing cock. “Can’t wait for you to fuck me, Dean,” Cas murmured against his skin right before taking his cock into his mouth.

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Dean groaned. He whispered mindlessly as Cas’s mouth bounced confidently on his cock. “So good, too good, _fuck_ , perfect.” He fisted his hand in Cas’s hair softly just to keep him grounded. He felt Cas’s tongue massaging the underside of his dick, licking around the head on every upward motion of his mouth. He shivered and gripped tighter, moving one hand to Cas’s shoulder. “Need, need, _need- fuck_ ,” he chanted helplessly.

He looked down just in time to see Cas pull his mouth off just to lick a long, slow stripe from the base of his shaft all the way to the tip. Dean couldn’t breathe or tear his eyes away from Cas making eye contact as he placed a sweet kiss to the leaking tip of his cock. His chest quivered and his eyes rolled as he tossed his head back on the bed. “ _Don’t_ \- don’t, I'm gonna… Not yet.” The words were broken and not pieced together, but Castiel understood. He pulled his mouth away, and Dean already regretted telling him to stop.

Cas brought his lips back to Dean’s as he fit their bodies back together. Dean ran his hands down Cas’s neck and down his chest, teasing one of Cas’s nipples along the way. Cas sucked on Dean’s bottom lip and grinned. “Want you to get me ready for you,” he breathed. Dean nodded eagerly and sat up. Cas pulled back and reached into the desk drawer to retrieve their lubricant and a condom.

While he was bent over, Dean let his hands roam up the back of Cas’s thighs, over the swell of his ass, up his back and down again. Cas pushed back into his touch. Dean took his own boxers off all the way and brought himself up to his knees before slowly pulling Cas’s down and off of his legs. “You’re so perfect.” Dean pressed against Cas’s back and slotted their bodies together, his hands roaming up and down Cas’s flank and arms. Dean pressed chaste kisses to Cas’s neck and back. “I love you so much, Cas.” Cas moaned wantonly and rocked back against Dean, who was still murmuring long strings of words as he kissed Cas’s skin. “Can’t tell you enough. Just love you so much." He punctuated each sentence by biting a kiss to Castiel's skin, marking them into permanence.

Cas brought his hand behind him to Dean’s scruffy jaw and turned enough to find his lips. He licked into his mouth, and Dean knew he’d never get tired of that taste. “I love you,” Cas mumbled sweetly against the side of his lips. Dean kissed Cas long and slow as he reached for the lubricant and took it from Cas’s fingers. Without tearing his lips away, he opened the bottle and coated his finger tips and set the bottle aside again. Moving his hand down between Cas’s legs, his fingers immediately found his entrance. Castiel nodded eagerly when Dean rubbed two fingers over his hole. “Yeah,” he breathed. Dean slowly pushed his fingers inside and he felt Cas’s shaky breath against his lips in return. “ _Dean_.”

Dean synchronized the rolling of his hips and his fingers, rocking their whole bodies together in time. He was pulling the sweetest noises from Cas and Dean’s lips were right there to receive them. “Beautiful,” he whispered with reverence. His fingers moved deeper, twisting and finding Cas’s sweet spot and eliciting a loud moan from him.

Dean hungrily met his lips, and increased his pace and scissored his fingers. “ _Dean_!” Cas’s hands braced themselves against the bed and Dean used his free hand to hold Cas’s abdomen. Cas started panting loudly, and Dean wanted to taste every noise that escaped Cas's lips. “Oh my _God_ ,” he groaned, helplessly rocking back onto Dean’s hand. His eagerness was met with the addition of a third finger and Cas’s back arched perfectly. Dean mouthed at the skin of Castiel’s strong shoulders, and he couldn’t help but watch their bodies move together. “Love it, Dean, love you, need-“ Dean thrust his fingers in deeper, and Cas groaned. “- _Fuck_! Yes!”

Dean’s cock throbbed between his legs, not sure if he wanted to feel what Cas was feeling, or if he was just eager to bring their bodies together. He’d always wanted to try, if he was honest. It was Dean's fear of crossing that line- the _stupid_ , imaginary line his mind made up before he could come to terms with his sexuality- that kept him from exploring the desire to feel Castiel inside him.

He continued watching Cas moan and mewl brokenly, so eager for more of Dean. It was perfect. Cas was perfect. One more hard push to Cas’s prostate, and he was shouting Dean’s name. Dean slowed his hand and kissed up Cas’s back and his neck. “Baby?” Cas hummed in response. “Kinda…” He mumbled his question into Cas’s skin inaudibly. Cas hummed again, slightly more confused. Dean’s fingers slid out slowly and Cas let out a soft moan at the feeling. Castiel turned his head to look at him in the hopes of understanding. “Do you think…” Dean looked down at Cas’s glistening body and shook his head. “Nevermind.”

Cas turned around and wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and kissed him gingerly. “What is it, Dean?”

Dean held onto Cas’s lower back as they kissed gently. “I want…” The words fell from his lips again. _Nut_ _up, Winchester. Cas is your boyfriend. I’m sure he would love to fuck you._ “I want…” Dean sighed again, pulling his lips away because Cas’s mouth was distracting. “I want you to fuck me.”

He felt Cas’s breath hitch with a smile on his lips. Cas hungrily resealed their lips and nodded. Dean let out a small laugh of relief as Cas kissed down his neck. “I’m gonna take such good care of you, Dean.” Dean shivered under Cas’s touch and let his head fall back. “Trust me,” Cas murmured against his pulse. Dean could swear he felt the words course through his bloodstream.

Cas gently laid Dean down on his back and slid between his legs. Dean’s heart was racing with anticipation and he clung to Cas desperately. Cas pressed a reassuring kiss to Dean’s lips, and he relaxed. “What did I ever do to deserve you?” Cas smiled in wordless response, pressing his lips to Dean's again before reaching down for the lube. The clicking noise of the tube had never sounded so intimidating. _But I guess it’s a whole different experience on the flip side._ Cas’s fingers were gentle and knowing as they slowly found Dean’s hole. The cold of the liquid was a new sensation, but the pressing feeling of Cas’s index finger was enough to make him want it. “I’m ready, Cas.” Castiel nodded before he pressed his first finger in. Dean’s eyebrows shot up as his jaw dropped. “ _Wow_.”

Cas's tongue traced over his skin before softly biting it into a kiss. “You never did this to yourself?” Cas mumbled against his jaw.

He felt Cas move his finger in deeper, somehow knowing Dean’s body better than Dean did. Dean mewled and subconsciously rolled into the touch. He felt Cas smile against his skin. “I… Not since I was…” Cas pressed his finger in all the way and rocked until he massaged that spot that made Dean's thighs tremble. “ _Fuck_! Fuck! Cas, holy shit-“ Castiel kissed him again and eased his finger back, gently working him until his body was used to the finger. “Just once... when I was younger, but… _fucking Hell, Cas_ -" Dean let his eyes close as he caught his breath. "I wanted you."

He kept his eyes locked onto Castiel's as Cas gently pushed in a second finger. It took all of Dean’s control not to squeeze his eyes shut at the feeling, not wanting to lose his place in those hooded blue eyes. “You’re beautiful, Dean.” The words were so simple, but Dean felt a deep blush creep up his chest and over his neck. Cas worked his fingers in deeper and began sliding them in a scissoring motion. More incoherent babbling fell from Dean’s lips, and Cas chuckled before kissing him again. “Is it good?”

“Y-Y- _huh_ …” When Cas's thumb massaged his taint at the same time his two long fingers massaged his prostate, Dean's whole body shook. He let out an unintelligible moan, and Cas grazed his lips over Dean's. Dean wasn’t even sure he could form words anymore, completely falling apart under Cas’s manipulations. _It’s all too much. Everything is so good._ Cas mouthed over Dean’s jaw and down his neck lovingly as his fingers increased their pace. Getting deep inside him and making Dean feel like he was losing control, Cas was quickly making Dean wonder why it took him so long to try bottoming. “Cas,” he panted loudly.

Castiel hurriedly added another finger and sheathed them in one long, slow motion, pushing the wind out of Dean's lungs. “Are you okay?” Dean nodded eagerly, unable to respond. Dean dug his nails into Cas’s back and bit down on his shoulder to keep himself grounded. Cas growled quietly against his ear and his fingers moved faster, a pace that was met by Dean rolling his body with every thrust.

A few long pushes of Cas’s fingers against his prostate and Dean was uncontrollably begging for Cas to fuck him. Castiel pulled his fingers out and sat up to reach for the condom. Dean used the time to squeeze the base of his shaft and send a silent prayer to help him last. He’d been teetering on the edge for too long, and Cas was _ready_. Dean could tell. Cas’s excitement incited his own and his heart pounded against his chest. Cas eagerly climbed back on top of him and connected their lips in a passionate kiss. Cas used his lube-slicked hand to jerk himself a few times, and Dean mentally prepared for what was about to happen. “I’m so ready, Cas,” he whispered into their kiss. "Fuck me."

Castiel let out a long, slow breath as he aligned their bodies together. Feeling his gentle push, Dean closed his eyes and breathed through the slightly painful sensation. Dean dug his fingertips into Cas’s triceps, bracing himself as Cas shakingly sheathed himself to the hilt inside Dean, knocking the wind out of him again. Somewhere in the back of his head, he wondered if he would ever get used to that.  He felt Cas kiss the space between his eyebrows, silently telling him to relax. Dean hadn’t noticed how tense he was and let out a deliberate sigh. Cas didn’t move, waiting for Dean to give him a sign. Instead, he just placed chaste kisses along Dean’s jaw and neck, licking and sucking small marks on his skin. Dean fidgeted in place, rolled his ass on Cas's groin to get used to the feeling inside him. Cas nuzzled his neck patiently. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered. He brought his lips to Cas's ear and nodded more confidently. "Yeah." Castiel gingerly pulled his hips back before pushing into him again. Dean moved his hands up to Cas’s back and held on tightly. Cas wrapped his arms under Dean's and held onto Dean's back as he thrust into him again, still gentle. “ _Cas_ ,” he breathed. Castiel brought his hips back until only the tip of his cock was still inside of Dean before snapping them back together with a long roll of his groin. “ _Oh my fucking God_.” Whatever apprehension Dean had felt in the beginning was completely lost, and he wanted _more_. Dean mewled and wrapped his thighs around Cas’s waist and urged him on. Cas grinned and kissed him again before increasing the pace of his thrusts, catching the groans falling from Dean’s tongue.

“Do you want me to fuck you, Dean?” Cas murmured against his ear with a quick snap of his hips that pushed a moan past Dean's lips.

Dean chuckled breathlessly. “Pretty sure that’s wh-what we’re doin’ here already,” he pieced together with a grin. Castiel lifted himself off of Dean high enough to get a good look at his face and raise a challenging eyebrow. Dean frowned at him. “What? You think I’m a girl you gotta be gentle with?”

Castiel chuckled at Dean and grazed his teeth over Dean's lips before pecking them with his own. "I don't wanna hurt you," Cas muttered as he slowed down his hips to long, gentle thrusts.

Dean scoffed, feeling almost offended at the suggestion that he was somehow fragile. “Y'know what, you wanna fuck me, Cas, you fuckin’ _fuck me_. I _dare_ you-“ Before he could finish his lighthearted threat, Cas pulled away from him and quickly rolled him over on his stomach. He didn’t even have time to miss the warmth of Cas’s body before Castiel had thrust back into him roughly, eliciting a squeak from Dean (yes, he's man enough to admit he fuckin' squeaked, so what?). He felt Cas chuckle against his back as he wrapped his hands around Dean's shoulders and increased his pace, pounding into Dean harder as he built momentum. “C-C-C-C-!” Dean couldn’t even get Cas’s fucking name out, he was so far gone.

“ _God_ ,” Cas groaned thickly. “So good, Dean.” Cas tried to suck at the back of Dean’s neck, but Dean was straining to keep his head in place. With an especially deep thrust of Cas’s cock, Cas reached up and twined his fingers at the top of Dean’s hair and pulled so he could gain better access to Dean’s skin. Dean let out a whimper as he grasped the blanket desperately. He might’ve been ashamed of the noise he just made if he didn’t feel _so fucking good_. Dean wanted more, _needed more;_ he pushed one of his knees up to get a better angle for him to rock his ass back in time to meet Cas’s hips and take Cas impossibly deep. He felt Cas’s ragged breaths against his neck and Cas’s hands tightened in his hair, sending shockwaves through his nerves. Dean let out another long moan helplessly. “You’re so tight, Dean- _oh my God_.”

Dean felt his lips tug into a smile, and he clenched around Cas’s length and pushed back insistently. “Y-y-you l-like that, b- _huh_ -baby?” Cas let out a groan and bit down on Dean’s shoulder, mumbling something about Dean being cocky. “Th-th-thou-thought you said y-you were gonna f-fu-fuck _mm_ …” Cas gripped Dean with strong arms and pounded into him relentlessly, earning a loud moan from Dean before Dean pushed his own face into the pillow underneath him.

“You were saying?” Cas sucked a mark into the top of Dean’s spine before switching positions so he was on his knees, holding onto Dean’s hips and pulling him back to meet each of his movements. Dean whimpered into the pillow, completely lost in the pleasure. Cas’s hands roamed possessively across Dean’s back and massaged into his skin. Dean squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on _anything_ except how awesome everything was- the noises Cas was making, how amazing his hands felt, how he wouldn't be totally against getting fucked to death;  _Goddamn that’s some good dick_. Cas gripped the back of Dean’s neck and massaged the knob of his spine with his thumb. “You do know you’re talking out loud, right?” Dean laughed into the pillow and found enough energy to lift himself up onto his knees. He arched his back under Cas’s long fingers and pushed back eagerly. “I love you so much.”

The tenderness of the sentiment was a little lost in the heat of their passion, but it made Dean smile nonetheless. He turned around to look at Cas, and Cas leaned against him to take his face in his hands gently and kiss him. Dean reached back and put his hand on Castiel’s cheek and sunk into his lips. They swayed together, Cas’s hips slowly rolling against Dean’s ass as they kissed.

Dean was the first to pull away, lightly pushing Cas back and re-positioning them so that he was straddling Cas’s lap. Cas sat back and relaxed against the headboard, his hands exploring Dean’s torso and back as he watched him. Dean bit his bottom lip as he seated himself on Cas’s lap. Cas tilted his head up invitingly, and Dean took his face in his hands, sliding their lips together in a kiss. Cas sighed when Dean's thumbs grazed Cas's cheekbones tenderly and dug his fingers into Dean’s back as Dean started slowly bouncing his hips up and down.

Dean’s motions became more confident, rolling and bouncing eagerly on Cas’s dick. Dean parted their lips just enough to breathe and moan helplessly into each other’s mouths. Cas’s hands slid down to cup Dean’s ass and push them closer, getting deeper and deeper every chance he got. Wrapping his arms around Cas’s shoulders and burying his face in the side of his neck, Dean let out broken moans against Castiel's skin. 

Cas propped his knees up and gripped Dean’s ass tightly, taking control of him and fucking him onto Cas’s lap as Cas propelled his cock into Dean. “C- _Cas!_ Yeah! _Yeah!_ Don- _Don’t fucking stop_!” Dean moaned wantonly into Cas’s skin, holding on for dear life. He could feel himself getting closer and closer to finishing, and his dick remained untouched aside from the friction of sliding against Castiel's stomach muscles. Cas was moaning right along with him, mumbling sweet nothings against his chest.

 _It’s so good, it’s so good- it’s fucking awesome, so fucking awesome-!_  Dean stifled a sob by biting down on Cas’s shoulder and clung to him tighter as he came without warning. His thighs trembled and he held on tighter to Cas, shaking and panting his way through his climax as Cas continued fucking him and chasing his own orgasm.

Cas's thighs shook with effort, thrusting his hips erratically. “DeanDeanDeanDean- _fuck, Dean! Fuck-!_ ” Dean couldn’t form words or even whole noises, just broken mewls from feeling overstimulated. They panted together roughly, bodies crashing and bouncing, fucking like they were suffocating and fighting for air. " _Dean, I'm-_ " Cas's voice broke off with a soft cry as he toppled over the edge of his climax. With a long, shaky groan, Cas thrust into him a few more times before stilling, pushing in deep.

Dean brought their lips together again, trying to get as close to him as possible. He didn’t know why it felt like he still missed Cas; he was here in his arms, literally as physically close as he possibly could be, but he wasn't close enough. They were back and stronger than ever, but he needed as much of Cas as he could get.

He framed Cas’s jaw with his hands as they kissed gently. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, and they just remained in their place, kissing like the world was going to end if they stopped. Dean’s sweat-coated body started feeling cold and he shivered, breathing heavily against Cas’s lips.

Without tearing their lips apart, Cas pulled out of Dean with a soft sigh. They shifted so they could lay down, and Cas pulled the blanket up over their shoulders. At some point he tossed the condom into the trashcan next to the bed, but Dean didn’t notice. All he cared about was kissing Castiel until he went numb. “I love you,” he breathed softly into Dean’s lips.

“I love you too, Cas. So much.” Dean kissed him deeper still and carded his fingers through the sweaty hair at Cas’s temples. “I missed you. I missed this. I missed us. I’m sorry-“

Cas shushed him gently with a soothing kiss. “Everything’s okay. We’re okay.” Dean sighed and rested their foreheads together and Cas ran a comforting hand down his back. “We’re more than okay.” Dean nodded and scooted down, draping his arm over Cas’s waist and nuzzling his face into the space of Cas’s neck. Castiel rested one hand on Dean’s bicep and let the other graze up and down Dean’s back, giving him goosebumps in the process. “I think we should talk.”

“Was it not good for you?” Dean asked immediately- and it totally wasn’t a genuine question.

Cas laughed quietly. “Oh, it was better than good, Dean.” Dean nodded inwardly. _Obviously._ “I meant about us… I just want to clear the air.” Cas sighed briefly. Dean tilted his head up to watch Cas’s face. “I don’t want us to live in the past. We need to move forward. So, can we just promise to let the past be history?”

Dean smiled and lifted his hand to offer his pinky finger. Castiel grinned and united it with his own pinky. “Deal.” Cas pressed a quick peck to the top of Dean’s head, and they cozied up even closer together. “Y’know, if you’re gonna be my boyfriend, we need to come up with some ground rules,” Dean mentioned as he squeezed Cas's waist.

“Boyfriend?” Cas repeated. Dean looked up and noticed Castiel’s wide grin illuminated by the distant moonlight. “I think I can live with that title. What kind of rules did you have in mind?”

“Well, first of all, we gotta be completely open and honest with each other.”

Cas hummed in agreement. “Oh, that’s a good one…” Dean could feel his eyes grow heavy and he yawned, momentarily squeezing Cas tighter. “I think rule number two should be telling _everybody_ \- even if they don’t ask."

"We could just go into the city and introduce each other to strangers," Dean remarked with a huge grin on his face. "'Hey, this is my boyfriend, Cas.' I like it."

"Why don't you just make us shirts?" Castiel joked quietly.

Dean chuckled tiredly. “That’s a good idea,” he said through another yawn. “Rule number three: no going to bed angry. I don’t like sleeping alone, okay?”

“You’re so needy.” Dean lightly ticked Cas’s ribs, earning a small laugh from him. He felt Cas’s rise and fall with a yawn. “Alright. Rule number four: Nothing can change.” Dean gazed up at him and watched him carefully. Cas was already dozing off, his eyes closed. “Nothing can change from right now… I love you, and you love me. And we’re best friends…” Cas yawned again, and Dean closed his eyes. “Best friends above it all.”

Dean pressed a small kiss to Cas’s steadily breathing chest before tangling their legs together comfortably. As Dean felt himself fall asleep, he sent up a silent prayer thanking whoever it was who sent Castiel into his life. Maybe it was God, maybe it was the universe, maybe it was just all part of this cosmic plan to bring them together. Nothing could feel this right and not be important enough to be planned by a higher power. Dean silently promised himself, Cas, and whoever it was that arranged this: he would never take Castiel for granted ever again. “Best friends above it all.”

 

**& &**

 

The pivotal moment that shifted life as they knew it hadn't even registered in their minds the day Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak's lives were to be changed forever. How were they to know that over the course of a year and a half, they would make the leap from strangers to roommates, from roommates to friends, from friends to best friends, and from best friends to lovers?

How does anyone trace their path back to that  _one moment_ that changed everything? Was it the first meaningful conversation? The first handshake? The friendly "Hey, I'm your new roommate"? The passing moment of eye contact at a crowded school function? Maybe the first opening of an acceptance letter? Maybe it was just destiny twisting and turning through the stems of their lives, tangling their roots together forever.

The seeds of Dean and Castiel took a lot of tending for them to grow: new soil, some sunlight, plenty of water, and a little help from the other's neighboring seedling. Though the beginning of the journey seemed daunting- as the rest of the journey will surely be- they gradually sprouted on their way to becoming the work of nature's art that destiny would have them become. And like the budding flowers in the weeks before Spring, they were destined to bloom.


	26. Author's Note To The Reader

_Dear Reader,_

So, if you're reading this, I assume you made it to the end of the story.

First of all, thank you. _Thank you, thank you, thank you_. Honestly, just knowing that somebody read this means everything to me.

I really hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please remember to give kudos if you loved it, I'll shower you in love. This story is very special to me, and so I kind of owed it to myself to finally finish it. Some of you might have been reading since the beginning (back when I started this in late 2012), and so you know it has been a  _long_ process. And I feel like I owe something of an explanation.

I started this my senior year of high school. When I graduated (June 2013), life kind of swept me off my feet and I slipped back into a really bad depression. I felt hopeless, and I couldn't write anymore. It was literally impossible for me to write _anything_. So, as much as I desperately wanted to work on this story, I just couldn't. So I deleted it because I couldn't stand reading the comments asking when I would be putting up a new chapter, or saying someone was disappointed that it was never getting updated. If you were one of these people, definitely don't feel bad. It was the depression speaking.

But I digress. Eventually, I took control of my life again, and I'm in a much better place. I'm back to writing (obviously), and I'm actually functioning again. And a big part of this story dealt with mental health issues like anxiety and depression, so I want to take a minute to reach out to any of you guys who are also dealing with something like this.

I don't care who you are, how old you are, where you live, or anything: if you feel like you're slipping, you've got to hold on. You've got to reach for  _something_. You can't stop fighting. Because no matter what, you have a future. You deserve to live. You are worth it. You can do this. You're going to be okay. You're not alone. Somebody loves you.

If you need someone to talk to, someone to vent to, if you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on, or just an anonymous stranger on the internet to connect with, I'm here for you. Even if you don't know me, I'm here for you. I care about you. I want you to fight for your life. I want you to live, and I want you to survive. You're beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You matter. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing you are just because you've lived this long. You're stronger than you think. And there will always be hope. Always.

 

 If you don't have someone to reach out to, but still need someone to talk to, this is the number to the **National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255**

And maybe it's not you, but someone in your life that needs that number. Don't lose it. You never know whose life you could save today; it might even be your own.

["Always Keep Fighting"- Jared Padalecki](http://variety.com/2015/tv/people-news/jared-padalecki-always-keep-fighting-depression-suicide-twloha-1201451708/)

["You Are Not Alone" - Misha Collins & Jensen Ackles](http://variety.com/2016/tv/features/supernatural-misha-collins-you-are-not-alone-campaign-support-network-lucifer-the-vessel-1201708654/)

["You Are Not Alone" Crisis Support Network](http://www.randomacts.org/programs/crisis-support-network/)

[To Write Love On Her Arms](https://twloha.com/)

[Suicide Prevention Hotlines](http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html)

[Suicide Prevention Lifeline](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

 

** &&**

 

On a lighter note, seriously I could go on forever about this AU and these characters, I love them so much. They've been my babies for over two years now. Hopefully I'll be writing more for this AU, but I've kinda detached myself from the fandom lately, and I'm looking to start writing my original stories, but I do have more planned for this. I just can't make any promises.

 

I actually made a playlist that gives me California Waiting emotions, so [click here if you're interested in listening](https://open.spotify.com/user/mishaleckis/playlist/28Em0E02YVWX8CxTitroli). 

Thank you guys so much!! Your support is truly awesome, and I really do love every one of you.

 

 **UPDATE (1 Mar 2016):** Hey again! I finally got around to reworking the story and turning it into the story I wanted it to be from the beginning. My writing style/skill level definitely changed from the first half to the second half of the story, and I wanted to rewrite the first half. The story itself (like the plot) is still the same, but I promise rereading it now will seem like a new experience. I really hope you love it as much as I do now.  
I just said it, but just thank you for being so amazing. Your support means so much to me.

_xoxo_


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